America’s Next Top Model: Vulva Edition!

Perhaps you suffer from the same problem that I do. I desperately want to be a vulva model, but I was cursed with a faulty vulva. Lucky for me, there’s correctional surgery - invasive and non-invasive - to fix this terrible problem.

Seriously. There is cosmetic surgery for your vulva. If you have a vulva, and it’s where it belongs, it’s between your legs and you can’t see it. And if someone else is seeing this vulva, I’m sure they’re feeling pretty dang lucky just to see it and wouldn’t dare criticize it. So why is there cosmetic surgery? Adjusting the size of your vulva (for cosmetic reasons, not medical reasons such as sex changes or health problems) will not enhance your sex life. It will not make you “tighter,” and nobody has X-Ray vision through your panties (so that you’ll attract more people, now that you have a “prettier” vulva). Yet companies are telling those with vulvas that they need to be fixed. Some of the reasons to have labioplasty:

  1. Correct the size of your labia minora

  2. Correct the size of your labia majora

  3. Labia asymmetry

  4. Skin looseness on and around the labia

  5. Lack of self-confidence (due to how your vulva looks)

I don’t know about you, but I had no idea there was a “correct” size of your labia minora or majora. And a crooked vulva? Heavens, no! Not a crooked vulva!

Maybe you have a fat pubic region. Did you know you could have one of those? Talk about body shaming. Not only is it wrong to be fat (it’s not), but to have a fat vagina? You’re basically doomed to be a social recluse, you and your fat pubic region. If you want to avoid this, though, you can get yourself a pubic liposuction and lift. Sure, you’re no longer 18, but you don’t need people to know that you’re a real human being that ages! Go all Edward Cullen on their ass and tighten that pussy up, fool them all!

So, yeah. Surgery is an option if you want to spruce up your snatch. There are other options, though! Personal anecdote, coming your way:

Once upon a time, I decided that I wanted to dye my pubes. Why? Just for fun. Shock factor. Imagine, it’s your first time with a new partner, the panties come off and BAM. A shock of color like a shag carpet for your pubic bone. I thought it sounded charming. I labored away for months growing my pubic hair, which had been trimmed short for the past few years. Au naturel, here I come! It grew, and it grew, and it grew until I decided that it was an appropriate length to dye. Then I dropped my panties, and pulled out my box of Betty, Color for the Hair Down There. Color of choice? Aqua blue (it’s actually called Bridal/Malibu Betty but dude, I don’t even have a boyfriend). I dreamt of having a Smurf Snatch. A blue puff of hair like everyone’s favorite troll dolls. Seductive, am I right? First I had to bleach the hair. When I rinsed my luscious locks, I was shocked to see that they were the most platinum blonde I had ever seen. I had Barbie pubes! I quickly lathered on the dark blue dye and let it soak. Many, many minutes later (I wanted an intense color), I rinsed again, and was greeted with a smurf snatch! A real, live smurf snatch. I was like a proud parent. Or a proud farmer. I had sowed my seeds of pubic hair until they grew long and strong, and sprinkled them with color until they beamed blue. I shone with pride. Unfortunately, after a few days my pubes began to fade and my shocking blue turned to grey, so I cut them off. The end.

It’s understandable to be concerned about how your vulva looks. Perhaps more concerning than the rest of your body because you may not see many other vulvas to compare to. There are so many different shapes and sizes, asymmetry, discoloration. It’s okay! Embrace your vulva, love your vulva, and if you’re really feeling it, vajazzle that baby.

Images via @LookAtThisPussy and Amazon
 
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