2017! What a year, huh? If this year tried to be a beverage, it would be spoiled milk mixed with cherry cough syrup. If this year tried to be a person, it would actually just be a cartoon drawing of the devil. With cartoon flames. And here’s some really good news: It’s only February! If this year was a week, it would still be Monday! Want even more good news? Yes, I thought so, so I put together this little list just for you.
1. When you finally die of a rage-and-panic-induced stroke at the sight of a headline, you can ensure that your ghost will haunt each one of these jowly old racists forever by shrieking, “TO CAPITOL HILL!” as you float out of your body.
And the haunting will be extra effective, because you will be a loud and assertive female ghost.
2. Now, when your relatives ask for the thousandth time when you plan to start having children, you can tell them that it’s not even up to you anymore!
It’s up to a bunch of identical, wrinkly, dead-eyed men who have never changed a diaper or made a baby smile in their too-long lives, and who wouldn’t be able to identify one single part of your baby-making machinery! Ha ha!
3. One serving of red wine is good for your heart.
Ergo, the number of servings you now consume nightly in bed while scrolling through the news on your phone and crying is...really, REALLY good for the old ticker.
4. Nuclear Winter = optimal photo lighting.
5. Uncontrollable sobbing = core-strengthening exercise.
6. Anguished wordless screaming = Building up your vocal endurance and breath control to become an amazing singer.
7. You no longer need to waste precious time with social pleasantries like “What’s new?” or “How are you doing?”
We all know what’s new, and we all know how we’re doing. A LOT, AND NOT GREAT.
8. Nobody can accuse you of being overly dramatic or hyperbolic when talking politics ever, ever again.
9. Barack looks good in all of these (agonizing-to-look-at) vacation shots, like he’s getting enough sleep and vitamins.
Frankly, he’s glowing.
10. I know you’re not in an emotional place to “make dinner” or “eat vegetables” right now, so here’s the best news of all: They make Girl Scouts Cookie cereal.
I repeat: Thin. Mints. Cereal. Stock up, hunker down, and bask in the warm sunshine of all these bright sides!
Top photo: The Day After Tomorrow
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Hannah Matthews is an organizer, activist, and writer based in Portland, Maine. Her work has appeared in Time, Inc., SELF, and BUST Magazines, and online at McSweeney's Internet Tendency and Ravishly.com. She can be reached at email@example.com