I know Toddlers & Tiaras is messed up. I know! It goes against so many of my core beliefs as a feminist. I shouldn't feed into a society that gussies up children in layers and layers of makeup, spray tans, and false teeth. Not to mention the problematic revealing costumes and way-too-mature dance routines. But every once in a while, I have to watch, because hot damn those kids say the darndest things about pizza and cats. And I don't care what anybody says: there's nothing wrong with a 25-year-old woman sourcing child beauty-pageant queens for poses to use in bar photo booths. Every so often, there's a girl featured on the show who forces my jaw to drop in sheer, giddy delight rather than abject horror. I want to introduce y'all to Alana, hands-down the best thing to ever come out of TLC's controversial show and the brains behind every other phrase that will be coming out of my mouth this week.
Alana is magical, sassy, and confident. She doesn't need any coddling--she knows she rocked her Daisy Dukes. To her, the beauty part is boring and pageants are all about making that paper, an attitude that is refreshing and and unnerving all at once. Her favorite part of the whole process (other than the "monaaaaay" she hopes to win) is that magic moment when she gets to show the judges her belly. At one point she points to her stomach saying, "Look at this big thing. They don't know a good thing when they see it!" Preach, sister! I'm going to turn to Alana's wisdom anytime I overindulge and have a food baby hanging out over my jeans.
It wouldn't be an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras without a few moments of questionable parenting. At one point, Alana's mom is seen feeding her "go-go juice" which makes Alana go-go completely bonkers moments later. It appears to be Mountain Dew, a beverage that not only peps up our precocious beauty queen but also turns a mouse to goo in 15 months! Alana's mother is convinced the brew is her daughter's key to success, explaining it works heaps better than the bag of pixie sticks she used to pour down her throat. Alana agrees, stating that go-go juice makes her feel, "laughy and playey" and like she wants to pull her mom's hair.
In the end Alana doesn't win, but I think she has so much ahead of her that this small bump in the road doesn't matter. At the very least, she has given us at BUST the gift of honey boo boo child, a term of endearment I hope we never stop using.
VH1's Best Week Ever created a master supercut of all Alana's best moments, or you can check the video below for the full extent of Alana's glory.