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 zodiac

Whore-o-Scopes

Astrological Advice For Ladies Looking To Get Laid

by Jonna Bond

Aquarius: 
Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
The new moon on February 2 will help you manifest the perfect sexual partner, so get your wish list ready. (This goes for coupled-up folks too!) Gird your loins for mind-blowing sex when Mars enters your sign on February 25. Beware: Venus will enter Taurus on March 16, so things may get serious with your lover; set the rules beforehand if getting mushy isn’t your thing.

 

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Pisces: 
Feb. 19 to Mar. 20
Venus and Mercury are both hanging out in your sign, which will have you feeling yourself—and a potential suitor could be, too. Buy some extra-sexy underthings and werk. You will be feeling thirsty, but be careful of letting your work dominate during March. You may find yourself fantasizing over a co-worker, but don’t take the bait! Get out there and start swiping right.

 

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Aries: 
Mar. 21 to Apr. 19
A Venus transit in your sign brings new opportunities to flirt and have flings, thanks to a boost of charm from the planet of love, although you could also find some possible long-term suitors. Uranus in Aries might rain on your parade on March 12 when an old flame returns to prove her/himself worthy of your heart. Look inward and see what you’re truly worth.

 

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Taurus: 
Apr. 20 to May 20
Neptune shows up to give your social life a boost, so even though you’re still licking some emotional wounds, you’ll attract plenty of peeps who want to make out or more. Be wary of becoming the other woman in March. Temptation may strike, but it could come back to haunt you in the form of an embarrassing FB post, tweet, or ill-advised Instagram.

 

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Gemini: May 21 to June 20

Jupiter in your fifth house wants you to fall in love so hard and fast that you may feel like the star of a cheesy rom-com, but you deserve something sweet in your life. When March comes, things could speed up too fast for your liking, while also bringing some blasé banging. It’s up to you to take charge with whatever/whomever is coming your way.

 

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Cancer: June 21 to July 22
Uranus moving into Pisces means major potential to reach out and touch someone. You could also get lucky with a vacation or work opportunity abroad. Celestial body Chiron the healer steps in to help you cut ties with toxic people; great sex requires partners who respect and worship you. Your libido will be in overdrive so make sure to expel that energy the best way possible.

 

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Leo: July 23 to Aug. 22
A Leo lunar eclipse on February 11 will shake things up for you emotionally. You may use sex as a weapon or tool to have the upper hand in your relationship, but use caution because eventually you’ll have to use your words. March promises a more positive shift and a happier sex life as long as you vocalize your needs to your partner.

 

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Virgo: Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Venus popping into your seventh house, the house of love, makes things super romantic. For all my single ladies, get ready for a Tinder tsunami; paired-off Virgos will continue to experience pure bliss with their partners. Mercury, the planet of communication, teams up with Venus to help get the point across in March, so expect things to get more intimate and experimental.

 

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Libra: Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Leo’s full moon will have you venturing outside your comfort zone, sexperimenting, and trimming the fat from meaningless relationships. Abandon ship or stick to your guns. Remember, if you’re not feeling confident and attractive, a potential partner won’t see you that way either. Take care of yourself in March, especially if drama strikes. Avoid messy situations where you can.

 

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Scorpio: Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Neptune in your fifth house during February may make you start looking for love in all the wrong places. This is a time to put your foot down and reclaim your sexiness and power. Bending over backwards for partners isn’t for you if it’s not reciprocated! New love interests pop up in March, but don’t lose yourself and take on their interests as your own.

 

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Sagittarius: Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Mars, Venus, Jupiter, and the moon are teaming up to re-decorate your bedroom. You’re missing a certain ingredient, so invest in new bed sheets or maybe even a new sex toy or two. Creating your ultimate love nest will bring you and your lover so close that you’ll be BFFs, too. Focus on your physical body in March so you’re ready for all that sexin’.

 

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Capricorn: Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
Mars moves into your sign on February 6, which means it’s a great time to take charge in your career. This is also a great time to master the art of managing a sidepiece. Although you’re not interested in anything serious, don’t neglect your feelings or the feelings of others. Saturn will step in mid-March to remind you that intimacy and relationship goals are important, too. 


ILLUSTRATED BY Ada Buchholc

 Top image: L'etoile double by Luis Ricardo Falero, 1881 via Wikimedia Commons

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