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How To Introduce Sex Toys In A Queer-On-Hetero Relationship

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Q: I’m queer as heck but currently in a relationship with a man. Things in the bedroom can sometimes get a little excessively hetero for me (i.e. penis-in-vagina sex is his No. 1 move). This is a problem because I also really like simulating experiences that tend to be seen as “more queer,” like prostate stimulation for him and a lot of touching and vibrator use for me. The thing is, this guy sometimes has a problem with my lovely vibe (he thinks it’s “too intrusive”). Are there any quiet vibrators that you could recommend or ones that can be used easily between partners? –Queer Vibes

A: Yes, definitely! Of course, any sex toy can be used by almost any human given enough creativity and interest, but there are a few products that have been developed especially for couples, particularly female-and-male couples. The We-Vibe is perhaps the most notable because of its magic U-shape that allows it to penetrate the vagina while stimulating the clit and buzzing your partner as well. Lots of people with penises forget, or never learned, that the head of the penis and the clit are made up of the same type of nerve endings, and are equally sensitive to vibration. The We-Vibe Touch and the LAYA from Fun Factory, which are both handheld vibes, also deserve a shout. If buzzy noises bother him, try the extra-quiet Tenga Iroha vibrators, the Blue Venus, the Jack Rabbit, or the Mini Magic Massager. If you’ve historically been a Magic Wand person, the rechargeable Magic Wand is definitely quieter than the old-school plug-in kind.

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Part of the challenge of your queer-on-hetero relationship is that your sexual interests don’t exactly dovetail with his. This isn’t a deal-breaker, but there must be an element of willingness on both your parts to show up for the other’s interests unless you have negotiated otherwise. This makes me think of Dan Savage’s invaluable notion of “Good, Giving, and Game”—you want to show up for each other, be good in bed as far as you’re able, be generous, and be down to fuck the way your honey likes it. Or in this case, the way you like it.

Have you gone toy shopping together? Have you talked about what you like and the fantasies you have and perhaps want to act out? You have to determine whether he takes your sexuality seriously enough. Talk to him about it, and see how he responds.


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Top photo: BRoad City

This article originally appeared in the October/November 2016 print edition of BUST Magazine. Subscribe today!

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