The end is nigh, my friends. After Monday's episode of the sequined acid carnival that is RuPaul’s Drag Race, we are down to the final three, a final three that I find completely unacceptable. Allow me to copy and paste my notes on last night’s elimination for you here: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO." A lot of O's, I know, but it was an involuntary reflex that could not be suppressed. But before that happened, this episode was a great one, because it had dogs!
As the winner of the mini challenge, Chad assigned each queen one dog to use as inspiration for a series of three looks with dog-related themes: Daytime Dog Park Realness, Pooch in a Purse, and Canine Couture. Unfortunately these looks were for the queens, not the dogs, but we still got lots of close-ups of the dogs being super cute, which is really all anyone wanted. Chad gave himself Flan the Chinese crested, Latrice got Babyface the Pomeranian, and Sharon had Callie the poodle, but Chad delivered Phi Phi a serious burn in the form of Hunter the giant, drooling bloodhound. Phi Phi hated this dog, for RuPaul knows what reason—Hunter was adorable! Drooly, yes, but probably no more than Phi Phi is after a night of heavy drinking. Shade, I’m throwing it.
Hunter the bloodhound
The contestants began the runway show with an ill-advised Broadway-style number about peeing in the park, as you do when the show is about dogs. Phi Phi said her daytime look was Nicki Minaj meets Barbie, which would make sense except Nicki Minaj already thinks she IS Barbie. Get your references straight, O'Hara. Phi Phi also said her party girl outfit was "Rihanna if Rihanna had a dog," which, no if, Rihanna does in fact have a dog, and it is cute. Just stop it, Phi Phi. Just stop it.
Anyway, Sharon Needles won some crystal body jewelry because she was amazing. Her party look involved a SCRAM bracelet, and according to guest judge Rose McGowan her couture looked like "Liza Minnelli in Cabaret and Jean Harlow had a baby." Everybody loved Phi Phi—UGH—and Santino declared that he doesn’t see intense ambition negatively. Yeah, dude, we know. We saw you on Project Runway. Chad and Latrice squared off to a Wynonna song, but Latrice’s trademark soul swagger just didn’t hold up in a country music context. She gave a weepy goodbye that had everybody else on the runway (and me at home) in tears, and then I immediately stopped caring about this show. Now that my beloved Latrice Royale has sashayed away, what do I have to live for? I am only kept alive by the hope that Phi Phi O’Hara will meet an epic demise in the very near future. Make it happen, Sharon Needles. Make it happen.
Catch RuPaul's Drag Race Mondays at 9/8c on LogoTV