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Julie, thanks for the reassurance! I had a stern talk with Ponyo last night, too, demanding he move for me. (And he did, 20 minutes later.) I know every new mom goes through this, but...feeling movement is such a blessing and for me has been the best part of pregnancy so far, but it also comes with he moving enough? Too much? Not enough?

He's been VERY active today, so I've been enjoying that!

Cristine, ARGH!!!! It's nice of your friend to send that note, but gawd if I wouldn't want to bash the head in of someone who said the don't stress thing to me. In addition to having little to no medical support, that claim is often said by women who never had to try to get pregnant. So fucking annoying! Hang in there, my dear.
Zelda, that must be a worrisome feeling. I am so glad that Ponyo is active again and your fears are alleviated for the time being.

Cristine, I fume when I hear / read comments like that. It makes me feel like women are being blamed for conception not happening. It sounds like her intentions were good, but she needs to understand that those comments are hurtful (and wrong!)

I am 9DPO and am not at all hopeful. We see the doctor tomorrow and then I go in for my initial Accupuncture session right after.

It sounds like there is some serious cyber cycling going on! Fingers crossed that someone gets knocked up soon. :-)
Michelina, when do you go to the doctor to test? I am anxiously awaiting your results...I'm sorry you don't feel hopeful, BUT I am excited for you to try the IUI! I have very good feelings for you with regards to that procedure. And you never know...this month just might be it.

Ponyo is moving like a little monkey tonight! In fact, he's moving as I type this. It is crazy amazing...I wouldn't mind feeling him move every minute of the day... :-)

Coming up with names is so hard...I told Mr. Z if we don't come up with a name soon, I'm going to have a hard time not thinking of him as Ponyo. Right now we're thinking Elliott, Clark, or Nathan...boy names are tough!

Talk soon, everyone...
Zelda, thanks for your excitement for me. I wish I were as optimistic! I feel we have about an okay chance with 5 medicated rounds of IUI. Right now I think we have about a 3% chance per month without. :-( Took a test this morning and it was negative. It's a really sensitive test from earlypregnancytests so I believe it. I just wanted to know before having a big conversation about IUI just in case. Wishful thinking. (Sigh). A huge part of me believes we will need IVF.

Boy names have got to be tough! Mr M and I used to spend endless hours talking about our future children's names.
Michelina, keeping my fingers crossed for you!! Keep us posted!

Zelda, I have always liked the name Nathan but Mr. C doesn't so it's been tough finding names that we both like. We have 1 solid girl name & 1 solid boy name... beyond that it's back to the drawing board. And I haven't met anyone named Clark in a long time, I really like that name!

CD 22 and approximately 6-7 dpo, I'll keep you guys posted. The good thing is that I'll know before Superbowl if I can drink or not. wink.gif
Zelda, those are great names. I especially like Elliott. It reminds me of the cute little kid in the film 'E.T.', and of Elliott Smith, who wasn't so cute but wrote some great tunes.

Michelina, how did it go with the doctor? I'm hoping that your negative was wrong, but if not, good luck with accupuncture. It's something I'd like to try - let us know what it's like!

Cristine, sorry to hear about your friends maddening comment. One of the few friends who knows that we're trying to conceive advised me recently: "just book a holiday somewhere hot, sunny and relaxing! That's all you guys need to get pregnant!". Riiiggghhht, 'cause there wouldn't be any pressure in that scenario, would there? Having spent money on plane tickets and a hotel I probably wouldn't even ovulate! Needless to say, this friend doesn't have any children of his own (conceived on holiday or otherwise).

Julie, it's good to hear from you. How are you and the little one doing?

I'm 10 dpo, with a funny jabbing sensation in my abdomen all day today. It's sure to be gas. If/when it does happen for me, I'm betting that it will be a Zelda month, and I'll be totally oblivious and symptom-free.

Christine, Michelina, and Funnybird- I'm keeping my fingers crossed for all of you this month. I'm another one that conceived during what I thought was a throwaway month... I was positive that my period was right around the corner. Oh and that stress thing- the week I conceived was finals week for the class I was taking at the time, so screw that theory.

I'm thirty weeks along now and baby has been moving around like crazy. I felt baby hiccups for the first time last night while we were in birthing class. It was sweet. I have noticed a definite increase in fatigue since entering the third trimester. I'm seriously tired all of the time. I'm also feeling the pressure to get things ready. I've started prepping my diapers (we're using cloth), our mattress was delivered today, and I made a baby blanket yesterday. There's still a lot left to do. Anyway, things are going well; just ten weeks left!

Ellen- how are things going with you?
zelda, I forgot to add that I agree with you- boy names are difficult! We have decided on our boy and girl names, but we had to weed through about a million of each before we found names that we liked.
A friend and coworker who is almost at 34 weeks found out today she is already dilating and has to be put on bedrest. This threw me into a tailspin of anxiety seeing as Mr. Z and I have done almost nothing to prepare. Of course I am only 22 weeks, so...but still.

Well, I started a registry on Target, but I also have to get my Family and Medical Leave paperwork straightened away, make an appt. with a pediatrician (hopefully we will like him - my BFF does), not to mention clean out and paint his room.

I'm not near the third trimester, but I'm feeling a level of exhaustion in the evenings that is new. I can get through work fine, but when I come home, I just want to collapse. Don't know how pregnant women with toddlers do it all!

Mr. Z and I decided going out this weekend to purchase a crib, changing table, and dresser will help me feel a little less anxious.

Cristine, hoping you WON'T be able to drink come Superbowl Sunday! Yumyum, great to hear from you! Funny, hoping good things for you as for that idiot man's comment...he is probably someone who thinks women are fertile every day of the month. Erg!!!
I just reread what I sounds like we need to clean out and paint the pediatrician's room. Ha!

You can see where my mind is at.

Yumyum, I want to commend you for being so patient in not knowing the gender. I couldn't stand the suspense!!!
Yumyum, 30 weeks already! Great to hear from you.

Funnybird, I hope those jabbing sensations are a little emby burrowing its way in. Fingers crossed! And for you too Cristine!

My appointment today went very well. We had all of our questions answered thoroughly and feel we are well taken care of. Our doc is quite optimistic that medicated IUI will do the trick. I did not know until today that back to back medicated IUI is not recommended. We will start in April, skip May, resume in June, then break for the summer. We'll try a couple more times in the fall and then get a referral to the IVF clinic nearby with the great success rate. I feel excited that our chances will soon be increased. Still hard to believe it's only 15 - 20% per month though! And my first accupuncture session was good. The doctor is well versed in infertility. I also got some herbs for cycle days 6 - 26.

Thanks for all of the positive thoughts!
Michelina, I am so glad it went well! It is so important that you have a positive experience with the doctor, and it sounds like you have it in spades. That is awesome. Thinking every great thought for you and feeling very full of hope for you, too. :-)
FunnyBird, I hope those jabs are precursors to great news. Keeping my fingers crossed.

YumYum, 30 weeks already! Amazing! So fun that you could feel the hicups.

Zelda, I had a good chuckle imagining you showing up at the paediatrician's house with paint supplies smile.gif

Michelina, I'm so glad your appointments went so well. Yes, with IUI most people have to skip a month. The extra follicles you create tend to turn to cyst (this happens most of the time with your one follicle each month, but because there's only one, your body's hormones get rid of it fast) and further meds grow them. So if they get big enough there are risks like your uterus flipping over (yep!) which could lead to a medical emergency. So it depends on how many cysts you have after each cycle and how big they are. We had a month where we could have done another round right away. In the end, skipping a month was a nice mental break for us, and a way to regroup financially too. I also did acupuncture and absolutely loved my naturopath.

Adoption qualification is rolling right along. Feb. 11 we will be officially able to register (no waiting for government approval) and can literally "shop around" our file. We're working on a multi-page "viewbook" to sell fabulousness to prospective birth parents ... after Feb. 11 the real waiting will start. They keep telling us that we need to prepare ourselves for the waiting etc. etc. like it's this thing that will totally break us... to me the wait isn't at all scary. Waiting is what we've spent the last three years doing. At least this time it feels like we have some control over the outcome, and that's a great feeling.

sorry, editing to delete double post.
Woo hoo, Fookie! Great news. SUCH great news. I bet your viewbook will be so cool. Will prospective birth parents be viewing it that live in your province, or could it be anywhere in Canada? What is the age range you are considering?

I can't know exactly how it must feel, but yes, it sounds like this kind of waiting will at least feel like productive waiting with an element of control that you didn't have before, and that is so important. I would imagine it will also make the waiting seem less nerve-wracking and just, well, enjoyable! I await your updates!

Ponyo was really quiet today but on the move tonight. He is starting to move hard enough I feel him outside. Of course every time Mr. Z tries to put his hand there in time to feel it, he stops.

Tonight I started to feel very overwhelmed by what we have to do...but I ended up (at Mr. Z's suggestion) making a list which made me feel better. I also try to remind myself we have lots of time.

Actually, a woman I work with who adopted her first baby (and went on to have a second bio child after being told she couldn't - one of those crazy stories)...anyway, she was telling me that because they didn't know they were getting their first daughter until a week before, they had done nothing to prepare in case it didn't go through, but in end everything was done in time and even if it hadn't been who cares! They had their baby and that's what really mattered.

A friend of mine who is Jewish was telling me in the Jewish faith you never get anything ready for the baby until he or she is here because it's considered bad luck! Don't know how they do it then!

Anyway, it will all get done, and like my coworker told me, in the end the baby will be here and we won't care about anything else but him.

I am feeling more and more certain about Elliott. I really like the sound of it and Mr. Z does too.

Fookie, that is so exciting! I can see what you mean about having more control over an adoption process than you did when TTC. Other than having well-timed sex, nothing is in your control!

Zelda, I really like the name Elliott. And I don't think it's very common either, which is always a bonus. You will get everything ready - you have a lot of time yet. Glad to hear Ponyo continues to kick away.

Well, this month was another bust. That makes 13 months of negatives now. I was deep down really hoping that this would be it so we wouldn't have to go through all of these treatments. The stakes are going to be so much higher now that we'll be paying to TTC. I am very worried about how I'll react to negatives from now on. I am feeling pretty low right now. It just feels so unfair.

I had a dream that my sister was pregnant last night. I am seeing her this weekend and now I am wondering if she has news. Last time she got pregnant, I had a very vivid dream about it and then she announced it to me. Then again, I've been having dreams that I was pregnant lately so obviously they haven't all come true. :-)
I forgot to mention that I have one frustration right now with the clinic. Everytime I was in, I asked my doc if she had Mr M's semen analysis report. Every time she told me she would get it, but didn't. So finally on Monday I asked again and she got it right in front of us. Mr M has high leukocytes, which indicates an infection. It's not a common STD - we had all of those tests - but could be some other bacteria. I am a little annoyed. Now we both have to go on antiobiotics and it seems that this should have been dealt with long ago. I understand that the leukocytes can affect the sperm's ability to fertilize the egg. Ugh.

Well, at least it gives us some hope that there may be an answer even though it's a long shot! (No pun intended!)
Wow, Michelina, I'm shocked that no one had mentioned / noticed that throughout the investigations and treatment you've been having. If antibiotics are all it takes to sort it out then they should have been administered to Mr. M right after his SA! Are you hoping to try again once the antibiotics have done their job, or go straight ahead with the IUI?

I'm sorry that you're feeling down. I'm feeling that way too. I'm 99.99% certain that I'm not pregnant this month, which makes it 15 months since we started trying. I know that out of those 15 we've missed about 5 months for various reasons, and that we did succeed once (although that seems a lifetime ago...) but if anyone had told me back when we started that we'd have nothing to show for our efforts more than a year later, I'd have been horrified. It's not fair at all, is it?

Fookie, your news cheers me up! I'm sure your viewbook will do your fabulousness justice. What sort of stuff do you put in it?

Zelda, I meant to say how much I love that you're singing to ponyo! I was blown away when I first read how early on foetuses can hear what's going on 'outside', and recognise voices and sounds. Unfortunately I have no musical ability and absolutely cannot sing, but AB plays several instruments and sings beautifully, so he'll be in charge of that if we ever get the chance.
Michelina, that seriously sucks that they couldn't have given you that information until now! So, like funnybird said, are you going to try again next month (after the antibiotics) without IUI? Really sorry this month didn't work out, I hope this month is a little easier than others... I know how random it can be, one month I'm numb to it and others I'm devastated! I feel like if it doesn't happen this month that it won't hit me as hard, but I just never know til I get there... I'm 8-9 dpo right now.

Funny, how many dpo are you?

Fookie, congratulations on the green flag to get this ball rolling! These people apparently don't know the amazing amount of patience you have! wink.gif Keep us posted, I'm dying to hear about your exciting journey.

Zelda, now that my team is not in the Superbowl, I'd be fine not being able to "party" that day! smile.gif How's Ponyo (or Elliott???) today?
No, we are going to proceed with IUI. I have been doing some reading on leukocytes in semen and it sounds like a very controversial issue. Some studies have found no effect on conception rates at all. I think my doc wants us on the antibiotics to cover the bases, but it is HIGHLY unlikely to be the cause of our infertility.

I think I told you guys that everyone at work knows that we are infertile. Today someone brought in their child and it felt awkward to me - like everyone knows that I want one too, but can't.

Funnybird, are you going to test soon? Why do you think that this month will be a negative? It is just a feeling? I am hoping for you anyway!
I'm 12 DPO. I'll only test if my temperature is still high by Monday (day 17), but I really doubt it will be. It's mostly just a feeling, but I'm so down and cranky today it can only be PMS!
Michelina, I find in awkward situations like that to just embrace the moment before anyone has chance to react... in your case, being the first one to congratulate them, maybe hold the baby (depending on the scenario & your relationship with them). Just a bit of advice that might help your state of mind in those crappy situations.

Funny, trust me I hate getting false hope but I'm going to give you some hope anyway. My friend, who I recently found out was pregnant, was convinced she was about to get her period because of horrible cramps & "PMS", but considering she was 8 days late I advised her to take a pregnancy test. She swore up and down, since she has been pregnant twice before, that "no pregnant woman would ever feel cramps like this". So I said they could be implantation cramps & she said she never had cramps with the first 2 kids. Anyway, long story short, she's pregnant.

On a side note, I just found out that a girl (literally, a girl) at work is pregnant. I've already been having a crappy day at work and just didn't need that news!

Funnybird, I second Cristine about PMS symptoms mimicking pregnancy symptoms. A friend of mine told me she felt nothing other than her PMS was worse than usual the month she got pregnant.

Cristine, hearing that news must have made your day tough. However, you never know - this could be YOUR month!

I am thinking positive thoughts for you both.

I have had a very hard day. I started crying at work (again) but was able to stop quite easily. I have spent the last 30 minutes at home sobbing... hard. Mr M is not at home, which always makes it so much worse. I am questioning whether I am strong enough for what is ahead. I mean really questioning it. I am worried that I will have a breakdown. Today some of my co-workers were joking around and talking about "cracking" and ending up in the psych ward. I felt emotional when they said that because I worry that it could be my reality. It's really not very funny! I bought a book on coping emotionally with infertility. Maybe I should open it.

Oh, Michelina, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I so wish I could find the right words to make this pain go away. Sometimes I think it is good to just cry and let it out. Just let the pain out.

I do think a book is a good idea, but have you also considered talking to a counselor? The therapist I started seeing for my anxiety (related to those anxiety attacks I had early on) actually specializes in counseling couples who are struggling to get pregnant.

I know the whole "talking to someone" phrase gets thrown around a lot, but I for one have found therapy so valuable. Sometimes it only takes 6 to 8 sessions to be able to reframe your thinking or develop coping skills. I certainly don't want to tell you what to do, but I did want to suggest it.

I am thinking of you...right now, just let out the pain.

By the way, I think you ARE strong enough for the journey ahead...I do believe that with my whole heart.
Michelina, I think what you're going through is completely normal for the situation! You're not going crazy, this is just an incredibly emotional process which could make you feel that way. Have you ever been in an all-out crying fight, with like a boyfriend, when you were younger that you were so passionate about that it made you feel crazy? I have before and some months I feel that same exact feeling that this going to make me lose my mind. I second Zelda about counseling, I think it could really help to speak to someone who specializes in this and not just a friend who may or may not understand what you're going through. I hope that book gives you some insight into yourself so you can maybe develop some coping mechanisms... personally I agree with Zelda though, a good cry can make all the difference in the world! If I still had my mom, I imagine I would end each month crying on her lap. You're on my mind Michelina...

Oh Iím so sorry youíre feeling so low. I start to cry just reading about you crying. I fully relate to everything youíre writing and I so wish you werenít going through this. My heart aches just remembering those days. Everyoneís advice has been very good. If you do consider therapy, get in touch with the fertility clinic near you. Mine had a counsellor that specialized in dealing with infertility issues on staff. You had to make appointments to see her and Iím sure it was an additional bill, but hopefully covered by any benefits that cover therapy. I didnít end up making an appointment, but when I think back to one month, where I found myself wedged between our office couch and the wall, sobbing uncontrollably and had no memory of seeking that small space for comfort Ö I probably should have. I was doing (and still do) yoga during that time, and I canít even begin to tell you how helpful the final 10 minutes of relaxation in class is. Between that and the acupuncture/naturopath visits I was able to pull myself out of the darkness that I sometimes felt would never brighten.

From everything you have written on this board, I have no doubt that you are strong enough to do this. I think that if you look at any of the ďgrieving processĒ models youíll recognize that youíre going through a process of grieving now that youíre moving onto fertility treatments. All of the phases of denial, bargaining, anger, depression etc. apply even though nobodyís died. Itís important to let yourself go through the stages as you start to accep that you might need some help with conception. I found it very hard to come to terms with the fact that my body had let me down, and not only that, strangers were now going to play a role in whether or not Iíd ever be able to start a family. And dealing with the unknown of the treatments and how those will go and what they will feel like, and how many it would take before it would work, and how would I know when to call it quits if it didnít, and how to know whether I should move on to IVF or adoption etc. etc. So many things are going on at once. Itís completely normal that youíre feeling this way (which doesnít make it any easier, I know). You will absolutely be fine, and getting there faster with the help of some counselling sounds like good advice to me.

If you ever want to PM me about anything specific about IUI treatments or anything you think might be too personal to ask on the forum (though note, that thereís absolutely nothing Iíd be unwilling to share with this magnificent crew) please donít hesitate. Coming to this forum played a big part in keeping me sane through my infertility journey and if thereís anything I can share that might help you, I would only be too happy to share it.
Fookie, you are so smart.
Thank you so much for the support. Zelda and Cristine, I agree - now is the time to link up with a counsellor. I am going to insist on someone who has experience and expertise in infertility if at all possible. Thank you for giving me a gentle nudge to get that going. And Cristine it's interesting that you brought up that crazy past feeling after a fight with a boyfriend. I had the same thought when I was sobbing and screaming. I hadn't done that since I was about 21 and it was after a ridiculous squabble with a boyfriend. This experience is bringing emotions out in me that I haven't felt in ages.

And Fookie, you have eloquently described everything I am feeling. I hadn't even really looked at this next step as being accompanied by a stage of grief. But it is. I felt the other evening like I was mourning the fact that my arms are empty - grieving for a baby that never existed. A different form of loss - but loss nonetheless. Thank you for understanding and for your offer of information. I am sure I will have many questions, and I'll likely just post them right here in case someone else can benefit from them too.

Oops - double post.
Just had to pop-in and report the conversation I had just now with a co-worker. She was bringing round a card for everyone to sign for someone who is about to go on maternity leave.

Her: So when are you going to have one [a baby] then?
Me: Umm, I don't know. Maybe never. *I'm feeling gloomy today*
Her: Why? You should have one!
Me: Well, not everyone can, even if they want to.
Her: But you can! You're healthy! *And walks off*.

I actually quite like this person too. *Sigh*

(((Michelina))). I don't really have anything to add to what these wise people have already said. Just that I'm thinking of you.
Funny, that kills me... "why? you should have one!", what the hell is that supposed to mean?! First of all, let's say you didn't want children for now or ever... you should have one because that's what's expected??? I'm so sick of people's unwelcome commentary on the lives of married couples!

My friend who recently found out she's pregnant said she wants me to get pregnant now so we can be pregnant together, I said I'll do what I can. So then she goes on to say she doesn't want to be pregnant (still breastfeeding a 7 mo. old) but is trying to be positive. Like I really want to hear that so I just said, well you should have used protection then! Here we all are dying to bring a child into the world and people who don't even want one get pregnant with such ease! I stupidly took a pregnancy test today at 10-11 dpo, way early as the earliest my period would come is in 2 days... anyways, negative of course.
It was the "you can - you're healthy!" parting shot that made me laugh. Umm, thanks for the vote of confidence, I guess!

Cristine, did your friend think that she wouldn't get pregnant because she was breastfeeding? I once met someone who that had happened to - she had a 5 month-old and was eight weeks pregnant. Yikes!

Don't be too sure at of that negative at 10DPO - it's still too early to be definite. I can be certain that the (negative) test I took this morning at 15DPO was right. I decided I needed to get over my phobia of testing because the long luteal phases I'm having at the moment are just prolonging the misery of the TWW, so I did, and now I know that these cramps are my period on it's way and I can drink guilt-free at the party we're going to tonight. I'm beginning to identify with the line in that Cynthia Kaplan essay about thinking that home pregnancy tests are just a con because she never got to see the two lines or smiley face or whatever.

I'm not too bad this month though - I have a job interview on Wednesday and if I did get offered the job, I wouldn't really be able to take it if I was already pregnant, so it's probably for the best. Maternity benefits here in the UK are not too bad, but you need to have been in the same job for at least a month before getting pregnant to qualify for them.

Michelina, I'm glad to hear that you're going to talk to a counsellor. In my experience the worst thing about dealing with fertility issues / struggling to conceive / miscarriage is how lonely it can feel. Because they're such taboo subjects and no one can really understand how it feels unless they have experienced it themselves, it's difficult to discuss them even with people you're otherwise close to. I can imagine that talking to someone who isn't going to either treat you with pity or try and comfort you with glib platitudes will be just what you need.
Okay, I've just done something so crazy that I'm really, really ashamed of it. But I'm going to tell you all anyway so you can all laugh at me.

The test I took this morning was a real cheapo, chemists own-brand one with really tiny result windows. As I was getting undressed to shower the thought popped into my head - "what if the tiny windows are misaligned with the result strip underneath?". Which is where I should have stopped, right? I mean, the control line was visible when I took the test. I should just accept that this wasn't my month and focus on the job situation instead.

Still, I decided to dig the thing out of the bin and look to see if there was a visible evaporation line - so I did and there wasn't. Probably should have stopped THERE, but no, I actually pulled apart the plastic casing and sure enough, underneath was the faintest of lines, that didn't LOOK like an evaporation line (it wasn't thin and grey and sharp), even though it was more than an hour after I took the test. I had to make myself put the thing back together and back in the bin.

What the hell is wrong with me?? I'm turning into one of those looney women who post photos of their test sticks on the Fertility Friend boards with the caption "Can you see it? CAN YOU SEE IT???" when there's fuck-all there to see! Sitting naked on the bathroom floor squinting at an hour-old torn apart test stick is definitely a low point for me.

I'm probably going to seriously regret sharing this...
Funnybird, it's not shameful, but it is a little humorous! It sounds like what I did a few months back when I peed on the window and pretty much tore the stick apart waiting for a strange second line to show up. It did show up, but I wasn't pregnant. I really hope that is not your outcome, and I would be dehydrating myself and off the the drugstore to buy another brand if it were me! Are you going to wait to tomorrow to test again? You are not crazy - you just really want to be pregnant. I think it makes us all do interesting things with our sticks sometimes! :-) I am still crossing my fingers for you in case it's not an evap line.

I got a chuckle out of the "you're healthy" part too. 20% of couples struggle with infertility. Does she think that we are all visibly ill? The things people say never cease to amaze. We should be keeping a list!

Cristine, how are you?
Well apparently she's better than a doctor to diagnose fertility health on appearance alone! wink.gif

Funny, when are you testing again? That was hilarious about tearing apart that test! Maybe it didn't feel that funny to you at the time, but it's exactly the kind of levity we needed on this board right now!

Michelina, I'm fine... a little frustrated & hopeless but what else is new! I'll test again tomorrow, because I felt like today might still be too soon. And because I bought a 3 pack, I'm sure I'll waste the last test within 2 days after that. I'm getting small cramps right now, feels premenstrual.

Oh Funny, in regard to my prego friend, no she didn't think breastfeeding women couldn't get pregnant. As a matter of fact she's been a little bit annoying since she had her baby... in that she keeps telling me when she's ovulating, when they had sex, followed by "OMG I'm worried I might be pregnant". This happened for several months so I am CERTAIN she was testing fate and not just trying to relate to my TTC conversations. So fucking annoying!!
It was funny even at the time! I KNEW how ridiculous I was being, but I just couldn't stop myself! Anyway, it was definitely an evaporation line. My temperature dropped this morning and the cramps are worse - I'm just waiting for the bleeding to start.

As I say, I'm okay with it this month. If by some miracle I do get offered the new job, we'll have to take a break from TTC for a few months anyway. Even though I'm so paranoid about running out of eggs, this will probably be a good thing. If I don't get it, then bring on month 15, I guess!
Funny, you should never be embarrassed about sharing that stuff here...remember the time I posted about walking in on Mr. Z masturbating and I started crying because we were supposed to have sex the next morning and he forgot he needed to save his jiz? Girl, it can't get more embarrassing than that. :-)

What you did was totally normal - don't feel bad. I'm just sorry this wasn't your month, but I know the time will come for you.

Cristine, that "you're healthy" line is so dumb...does you coworker not know about all the crack addicts who get pregnant, too? They're just pictures of health. My mother in law kept saying that same annoying line during my first trimester when I was worried about having a m/c - she would just say "you're healthy" even though I explained to her that that has nothing to do with it!

Ah, people...

I had a rough few days with another bout of pregnancy related insomnia. Slept a few hours on Wednesday night and didn't sleep AT ALL on Thursday or Friday night. Fortunately I didn't whack out like last time because I knew this was normal. I did call my OB's office and the (very nice) nurse said it was normal and associated with hormones, and that after the baby is born it should go away. I had to take Friday off work and make take Monday off, too, depending on how I feel.

She told me to take Tylenol Simply Sleep (which is essentially Benadryl), and I'm not sure if it had a placebo effect or what, but I finally got about 6 hours of sleep last night, thank GOD. Ugh - insomnia SUX.

I guess it's only fair I put up with this since I didn't have a stitch of morning sickness!

Funny! Don't feel embarrassed. If I had been using the fancy tests, I probably would have done the same thing ... every single time smile.gif

Cristine, people are idiots. Sheesh. I'm amazed at how clueless people can be.

Well, we're down to one training session and one final home study visit. I can't believe how quickly this has gone so far. I know that we're probably up for some waiting next, but I can't help feeling incredibly optimistic that our wait will be short. Our adoption profile booklet is 28 pages long (sounds long, but the example one we saw was longer). It includes a letter to the prospective birth parents, as well as spreads and spreads of photos of us, our families, the kids we love, our house etc. Honestly, I didn't think I could be more grateful for who I am and the relationship I have with MR. F. and our amazing families and friends ... but seeing it all in 28 pages ... it's one of the most beautiful gifts we've given ourselves. I think everyone should make one of these books. It's such a lovely testament to our lives, where we come from, who we are now, and what we stand for.

Our training sessions have been exhausting. A lot of cry-worthy videos and presentations by adoptive parents. So much to think about and consider. One of the final things we have to do for our last home study appointment is fill out a form that specifies ranges of tolerance for everything from drugs/alcohol exposure in utero to birth parents with diagnosed mental illness ... to diagnosed developmental delays ... I'm staying up awake at night. The guilt of having low tolerance for anything on the list is huge. Compounded with the guilt of knowing that ultimately we're staking our "dreams" on the heartbreak or bad situation of someone else ... it's a lot. I'm doing a lot of crying between all the optimism and joy.

Mr. F. and I have been renovating our main bath since before the holidays. He rigged up the bathtub so that I could soak in bubbles the other day ... in the middle of studs, gutted walls, and a giant hole in the wall smile.gif Have I mentioned lately how crazy I am about him?
Fookie, I love hearing about your journey...that booklet sounds awesome. Your ups and downs and emotions sound natural, too...any road to parenthood is going to include these ups and downs, I do believe. I also understand your feelings about low tolerance for things like exposure to drugs/alcohol, etc...I think you have to be honest. The mental illness thing would be more difficult...because you just don't know how that will affect the baby.

For example, since Mr. Z is adopted we have no real idea what our baby will inherit (other than what we know of him). He could have a lot of mental illness in his family and we just don't there is a risk for us in a sense as well. (Another reason why open adoption is so great, so you get this info!).

The way I look at it...there is a risk associated with any leap into parenthood. Right now, I have no idea if this baby inside me is healthy or what (other than what the basic tests can tell us). We have no idea what delays he may have. Of course I can control certain things like what I eat and drink, but ultimately there's a lot of chance involved...I think you have to just guesstimate the risk level you and Mr. F feel comfortable with, knowing that there is a risk for everyone who becomes a parent...just my thoughts.

Man, I am so happy for you!!! And I understand what you mean about just loving Mr. F. I feel the same way about Mr. Z right is a good place to be in, knowing you are bringing a child into the world and your relationship feels solid.

Tonight I went online and preregistered for the hospital as well as signed up for a one-night breastfeeding course, a one-night infant care class, and a three day Labor and Delivery Boot Camp type program...birthing basics. It made me feel a bit more together and less overwhelmed.

Have gotten two good nights of sleep and am feeling better about the OB called me today and said at this stage there's absolutely nothing wrong with taking an Ambien and she will write me a scrip for it on Wed. when I have my appt. I don't want to take it, but perhaps just having it on hand will help.

Having some achy round ligament pains...other than that, doing pretty is everyone?
Fookie, I agree - everyone should creat a booklet like that depicting their lives. What a wonderful project and gift! I would have a hard time answering those questions regarding tolerance too. Do you and Mr F agree for the most part?

Zelda, what is your official due date?

I am currently on CD6 and have an ultrasound on CD11 for follicle tracking. That way we'll have a good idea when I will ovulate as my follicular phase is now all over the place - between 12 and 17 days. I am nervous about our first round of IUI. I am more nervous about the meds, which I'll start at the end of March or early April - not long at all!

Something has been on my mind lately. Mr M gave up smoking weed, but he has replaced it with cigarettes. At first I thought he would only smoke one at night - sort of like he did with weed. But now it seems he is smoking several (maybe 4 or so) throughout the day. I am concerned about his health and about what this may be doing to his sperm. He is very reasonable, but I know he feels he needs something to take the stress away. And I get that. It's why I enjoy my booze now and then. I am almost tempted to tell him to go back to weed and smoke just a tiny bit. Does anyone have any thoughts?
Fookie, I think I understand why you feel guilty about that form, but at the same time it so natural to want your future child to be as healthy as possible. After all, if you were pregnant you'd be doing everything you could in terms of nutrition and looking after yourself, and I don't see how this is different. You and Mr. F are doing an amazing thing! I'm in awe, and I love hearing your updates.

Michelina, that's a tough one. I'd be tempted to say 'weed', but that's only because in my experience it's more fun than cigarettes! Was he smoking weed when he had the SA? The results from that were good, weren't they? I've been trying to persuade AB to drink a little less. It's hard - I feel mean because I know how much he likes it and he's been through so much crap recently. He is taking zinc supplements now, so I'm hoping they will counter any negative effects caused by booze.

Zelda, how's Ponyo-Maybe-Elliott doing? Has he kicked for his Dad yet?

I had my job interview today. It went okay, but I'm not getting my hopes too high. I'm about to have a glass of wine just to celebrate getting through it!
Hi all, it's been a while since I've posted here but I am still reading and wanted to drop by while I've got a bit of internet time.

Fookie, your adoption journey is amazing to read about. The booklet you've put together sounds wonderful, I wish I would've thought to put something similar together while I was pregnant, I think it would really help any prospective parent to think about who they are and the life they have to bring a child into.

Michelina, I'm so sorry to read about the tough time you've been having, I'm thinking about you and am keeping everything crossed that IUI will work for you. I second what Funny says and say 'weed', not just because my Mr is a weed smoker and we got pregnant, but because as an ex-cigarette smoker I'd worry that 4 cigarettes a day could become more quite easily, with all the impact that can potentially have on fertility. However, that's me (and that's why I can't be trusted to have the odd cigarette!)

Funny, your story about breaking the test apart is hilarious, it's not embarrassing, I totally understand exactly the thought process that took you through that! Fingers crossed for the results of your job interview!

Cristine, your friend sounds quite challenging! Who has sex around ovulation unless you're trying to get pregnant?

Zelda I'm enjoying reading about your pregnancy! Although my pregnancy only ended 6 weeks ago I kind of miss it, all the anticipation and planning and excitement! Also, having your baby inside you is an amazing kind of intimacy that I did not fully appreciate until my wonderful baby was on the outside. Really enjoy it.

My Archie is now 6 weeks old - I can hardly believe it! He's smiling and cooing and reaching out for me. I'm just about to go and wake him for his final feed of the day. He's a joy, and all the hard work of parenthood (and the massive culture shock I suffered for the first couple of weeks of motherhood which I won't bore you with!) is totally worth it.
Funny, good luck on the job!

Good to hear from you Jenny, so glad you & baby Archie are doing well!

Michelina... weed! Weed is one of the purest drugs on the planet, no additives & the only treatment is drying it out! As a smoker, and I am smoking again today because I started my period last night, I can say it is at least physically addictive... meaning that I am obviously able to go 2-3 weeks without smoking and my only "withdrawal" is I don't know what to do with my hands! (Hence the weight gain while TTC) Mr. C is now cutting down his smoking because it DOES have an effect on sperm as well! And if Jenny got knocked up while Mr. JD was smoking pot AND Mr. M had a good SA while smoking pot, then I would say it's not as bad as people might suspect. When I get pregnant I swear I'll never smoke again, it's an annoying habit that I hate going back to.... and I believe it's hindering me from getting pregnant, at least to a certain extent. But now that Mr. C is cutting back, that will help me as well.

Now let's see if this Valentine's season will get us TTC'ers knocked up this round!!
I didn't get the job, and I'm secretly a little relieved. It would have been nice to earn a little more, but it also would have meant a nightmare commute across town. So instead of focussing on my career I'm back to Plan A (getting knocked up).

Jenny, so good to hear from you! I was wondering how you and Archie were getting on during the cold snap - thinking it was probably lovely to be snuggled up indoors on maternity leave, with a little warm bundle to cuddle.
funny, congrats???? sorta?

i've beenl lurking and i'm pleased to read everyone's experiences and how they differ. good luck and best wishes to everyone here!

mr.nick and started ttc this month. we got to bed late last nite and since we've been trying to make a baby every day this week, i thought yesterday was no exception. the boner wasn't happening and he snapped that it was because i'm "pressuring" him. this morning he apologized and said he was tired and cranky and distracted by work stuff and that yes, he is truly ready for baby. similarness happened when we shopped for a house to buy and a dog to adopt. we talk about doing something and agree on the timing, and when it comes time for action, his anxiety sets in. with the house purchase and dog adoption, it seemed i did most of the legwork, he helped made the final decision, and then he admitted how happy he is with our choice and how happy he is for me pushing him through any worry. but with baby making, i literally need him every step of the way. at 34, i'm having anxiety that every near-ovulation opportunity needs to be seized.
Woah! So much to read at once... weed and cigarettes. As you know, Mr. Z smoked a little weed each night. When we started TTC, he cut down quite a bit....the month we actually conceived he cut down to smoking weed on weekends only. Now he did always smoke three cigarettes a day - one in the morning, one at lunch, and one before going to bed. It's a terrible habit and since he smokes so few, I wish he'd quit. BUT...he is one man who smoked weed and cigs to some degree and still managed to get me pregnant.

If you remember his motility numbers were *slightly* on the low side (but still normal)...I think that was the weed, but clearly they eventually got to where they needed to go. I have no idea if his reduction of weed during that last month affected us or not.

I'd say if Mr. M's sperm count was so good even when he was smoking weed, you should encourage him to do that instead of cigarettes because frankly cigarettes are so bad for you and weed is much more natural. Maybe he could do what Mr. Z did - just smoke a bit on the weekends. I hope this helps...I think you should remember his SA results whenever you start to worry because they really are encouraging. Bottom line I think things like weed, cigs, and drinking only affect men whose sperm health is borderline to begin with, and that's not Mr. M. Hope this helps.

Funny, I'm glad you didn't get the job...sometimes it takes the opposite of what we think we wanted to happen for us to realize we never really wanted it in the first place (if that makes any sense). Let Operation Knocked Up proceed! Elliott/Ponyo kicked so hard for my BFF the other night, but Mr. Z still hasn't timed it right to feel him...hopefully as his kicks get stronger he will be able to feel.

Ponyo was very mellow today which I do NOT like! Just now he started moving a bit which was such a relief.

I had my 23 week check up this week and was freaked to discover I'd gained SEVEN POUNDS in one month...should have been more like four. Woops...I've been eating too many sweets. My doctor was so kind about it, but she asked me to slow it down. I've gained 18 pounds so far, so if I slow it down, I should still be on target to gain 30 to 35 which is reasonable...other than that all is well. Ponyo's heartbeat was 144 and my belly measured 23 and 1/2 inches...up and inch and a 1/2 from last time, so that's good.

Next month I have the glucose testing, so we'll see how that goes!

Jenny D...thank you for your kind words. Glad you and Archie are doing well. I feel a mixture of enjoying this special time with Ponyo hanging out inside, but also feeling so curious to meet him out here! Keep us updated with how you're doing.

Cristine...hope to hear some good news from you soon...hope you have a lovely Valentine's...

NickClick, I think everyone on this thread could relate to what you me, I had problems with Mr. Z's performance a couple of well as him getting anxious and pressured. It's really, really frustrating TTC and feeling pressure to have sex.

My advice...even though there were a few months when we did it every day, I found this exhausting and it also freaked out Mr. Z. There's no reason every other day couldn't do the trick. I remember one month we did it five days in a row and I didn't get pregnant...the month I conceived we did it once. Sometimes I wonder if doing it every day is actually bad as it could diminish sperm count although the experts say that can't happen...I dunno...but I don't think you have to do it every day - at least not every month!

Try to have sex outside your fertile window to keep Mr. NC from feeling like a sperm bank...and try not to get bent out of shape if it doesn't work sometimes. Easier said than done, I know, but it is SO normal for guys to freak out during this time. I remember Mr. Z freaking out several times even tho he really wanted a baby too...but for guys, I think this is all a scary time and pressure to prove their masculinity, etc...and for many of them they've been raised to think Just Once and she'll get pregnant...when they realize they may have to work at it and their sperm isn't magic, it can be kind of a blow.

Hang in there...I'd say aim for doing it three times during your fertile window. Two days before ovulation, once on the day you ovulate, and two days after just in case you timed ovulation incorrectly...and just try - as hard as it is - to love each other and remember you guys are an awesome couple...don't let the babymaking ruin that.

Hope this helps...we've all been there...
PS Nickclick...I just went back and reread your post to make sure I'd answered your question, and I had to laugh because Mr. Nickclick sounds EXACTLY like Mr. Z. He did the same "I'm not sure...." about buying a house and I did a lot of the legwork, and then in the end he got all into it and now is like, "I'm so glad you talked me into buying this house."

Men! ;-)
Hello all!

First off, let me tell you all how glad I am to have found this thread. I haven't posted in the Bust lounge since I was young enough to post on the Teen Spirit board, ha ha. Seems like you guys have just about every corner of Mommy-dom covered (pregnancy, infertility, TTC, adoption...).

Anyways, this is my story . . . .

Found out I had endo at 22 (are you there god? it's me leah. this sucks). Hysteria sets in. Who the hell should have to deal with infertility at 22!?!? Is this what I get for responsibly practicing birth control since I was sixteen? Wonderful.

So the Mr. and I decided to make haste with the baby making. Waited about six months after my lap procedure, decided to postpone our wedding, what the hell let's get preggo, I'll take a year off of school and we'll make it work. . . I always dreamed of being an unwed mother with no career . . . (NO judgments to anyone out there in cyber land, we just still had a lot to do before we really wanted to start our family)

Went off the pill, basically expecting nothing. Got pregnant right away! That was too easy, we say. Wow, what were we so worried about? We're so fertile!

Except not. Pregnancy over by the end of week 5, most likely due to a progesterone deficiency, which is very common in women with endo.

So off to the RE we go. We think, this will be easy, right? Sigh. We got to try on our own for three months, with no luck, but lots of yucky shots and progesterone lozenges. Problem with endo is, it's very risky to be off the pill for longer than six months (endo is fueled by ridiculously high estrogen levels, progesterone based BC keeps it all in check and keeps leah from becoming bedridden with month long cramps). So we are told that we have three months left to do IUI and then its on to IVF. At this point, I am positive that we're going to have to go the IVF route anyways, as that's the only option for many women with endo.

Michelina - this one's for you . . . We got pregnant on our very first round of IUI. I had a really weird cycle that month too. The insemination was way less intense and scary than I thought, too.

We are now 16 weeks along and expecting our Buggo in late July. Infertility take that!

And to the poster who has gained 18 pounds by 23 weeks (so sorry I can't remember your name now that I'm typing!) . . . I'm 7 weeks behind you and I've gained 19! My ass will undoubtedly be bigger than yours by the time we pop. If that makes you feel any better!

Sorry about the long post guys. Being 23, I don't have a lot of Mommy friends, especially those who went through infertility treatments, so I'm kind of bursting!

Good luck to all in their pregnancies, on their TTC journeys, and in their adoption plans! Hope I am hearing good news from everyone soon!

Just one thing to add . . .
The month we got preggo the first time, we had sex every day for three weeks straight. Obviously it worked, but I also ended up with a nasty case of BV from doing the deed so often, which is no good for mommies or bubbies! Be careful! Sorry if TMI, but . . .you know.
Aphelendra...welcome to this thread! Your post made me laugh multiple times. Congrats on your wee one and I hope you come back often. I'm the one with the 18 pound weight gain halfway through, so you're making me feel a little bit better.

Are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl? Mr. Z and I are having a boy. The second trimester ultrasound is one of the coolest things ever, even if you don't find out the gender.

I'm pretty sure you're the youngest on this thread, but please join us...I have a friend who got pregnant at 25 and she, too, had trouble finding mommy/pregnant friends and communities. By the way, there's no such thing as TMI here, so no worries...and no signature lines with angels and hearts either.

Had to laugh when I read you used to post on the Teen Spirit thread...I am 33 and when I was a teenager, there was no such thing...this is why I spent those days depressed in my bedroom reading Sylvia Plath. That was the early 90s version of Teen Spirit. ;-)
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