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Ellen, I also do NOT want to find out the sex of my baby but my husband is even more adamant than I am about that. I know that I will get weak at times and want to know but Mr. C will be right there beside me saying NO!! All my friends encourage me to find out so the shower isn’t generic yellow & green, along with his/ her bedroom & clothes! But I just like that added element of surprise (besides, green is my favorite color!). That’s crazy about your sis-in-law & Gardasil! I feel the same way you do; these people are telling me to not take Advil, Aleve & my prescription acid reflux pills while pregnant… but it’s ok to inject an illness directly into my bloodstream without knowing any potential side effects??? Frightening!! Someone here had said awhile back that those who get annual flu shots might be more susceptible to contracting H1N1 (again, I set aside teachers & hospital staff as a special circumstance) but I haven’t gotten a flu shot in about 8 years so I feel like I might have that advantage on my side… I might add that it was the last flu shot I ever had because it gave me the worst flu I’ve ever had and then I had a horrible incapacitating reaction to the flu medication they gave me!

Michelina, that is wonderful that your grandma is doing well!! And I am so glad that the ultrasound provided you such positive results & reinforcement!!! You can pee on a stick after you know you’re pregnant, just so you can stare at it and take pictures! wink.gif

Funny, I think you have every reason to be hopeful! It seems like the odds really are in your favor, but it’s of course a great idea to be armed with any & all questions!

Melora, sorry you’re feeling so defeated right now. I think everyone here can relate and agree about how emotionally destructive this process is. My temps are low too and I recently read that can indicate hypothyroid disease (when thyroid doesn't produce enough hormones), but I’m trying not to freak out about that yet since I’m only in month 5 of TTC.

I'm a big fan of vaccinations and get the flu shot most years since I worked at a school library then a public library and they both offered it to staff. I didn't get it while pregnant though and I didn't get it again this year. There's a difference between live and dead vaccines - most flu shots are live and not given to pregnant women for that reason (same with gardasil/hep b which is why I didn't get those while I was TTC/pregnant).

I'm slowly recovering from the surgery - did too much walking yesterday and got to that 'oh god I'm just going to sit on the side of the road until Mr A gets home and get him to pick me up' stage even though I was about 500m from home. I got there though. Fallon had a screaming sort of day - at one point she was feeding, looked up at me smiling around my nipple then threw up ALL OVER ME and started screaming. It was odd. She's been waking up crying as well but when she's awake she's so even tempered and lovely.

eyelet, when I was in hospital a woman I know sent me this site abour lactogenic foods, just in case I started having issues with milk -

melora - I spotted a fair bit with my little one - from about week 4 til week 6 on and off. It was terrifying. I had an ultrasound at week 5 and they couldn't tell anything apart from that there was a fertilised egg and no bleeds. Then week 8 we got the heartbeat. So it is possible.

funny, I'm glad you're going in armed! I always forget to talk about a few things when I go see the maternal nurse.
(((((Melora))))) Uck this roller coaster's the fucking pits, isn't it? I'm so sorry you're feeling so down right now. I have ridiculously low temps (though no hormones issues) and wake up so often during the night that charting looks like a demented rorschach. "Fookie, tell me what you see." ... "Well, Doctor, that looks like a barren field, and oh there's a carot and some tadpoles with no sense of purpose..." Well, I know that every month when the spotting starts, there's pretty much nothing I need to do but let myself feel sad, bitter, miserable, angry, frustrated etc. etc. So I won't try to pretty this up too much, and from what you've written you already know that the old cliché is true ... ride it out, this too shall pass.

Ananke, I'm amazed you're already walking so far after the surgery. You're a force to be reckoned with! I love your Fallon stories, even when they involve puking on your boob!

Michelina, woohoo! Do you think doctors get secret pleasure from knowing we're languishing in agony imaging the worst and attaching every negative meaning possible to every word they utter? I'm so pleased that you got good news and have such a lovely follicle. And it is great news about your gran too.

Funnybird, those statistics are so incredibly encouraging. Good luck tomorrow afternoon. You're very wise to bring in a list of questions. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow afternoon.

Michelina, Mr. F. is also very glad that I have such good online support. One of the things that I have realized about this struggle is that it is teaching me how very much in love Mr. F. and I are and just how amazing he is. I will die a thousand deaths if I never get to know him as a father.

Ellen, I can't believe you're already at 16 weeks! That's wonderful and incredible. Time has truly got the better of me these days. Wasn't it June, yesterday? Great news about winning the delivery lottery! I'm sorry, I don't remember where you are, but I've seen the differences here between the hospitals here that have a birth centres (not sure if that's the correct term here) and those that don't and I'd be skipping for joy too! Until I read your post yesterday I hadn't heard of any issues with Gardasil. Then sure enough today, I read a news story about a young teen dying in Britain shortly after getting the shot. WTF? They're still trying to figure out if it was for sure the shot etc. But holy shit.

Eyelet, keep the Elowyn stories coming. I admit to not being ga-ga for infants, but babies and toddlers kill me. I just love discovering their personalities, quirks, and ticklish spots. When the sense of humour starts coming out, I have eyes for no one else.

Nothing much to update with me. At a baby shower on Friday, another colleague announced her pregnancy. My darling friend at the office msn'd me not to worry b/c her baby would be ugly and stupid. Ha ha. Don't get me wrong, it was done to make me laugh, and it did. I'm of course happy for the newly-announed colleague, but my friends sometimes worry about me. The sillyness of her MSN was what made me laugh. Both parents are gorgeous and insanely smart, so the idea of the baby being the total opposite was somehow humorous (you know what I mean right?). After my crazy-lady CM last wednesday we "did it" four straight days. It's not like we haven't done this before, but I can't help being the sucker that hopes that on this "break" month from the fertility clinic, we might actually get pregnant. Le sigh. I'm setting myself up for misery. By my calculations, I did an OPK on Wednesday and the line was either as dark, or very SLIGHTLY less dark than the test line, I ovulated Friday. So I am 4dpo and trying not to obsess. I have a nice weekend away with two girlfriends this weekend, so that should help with passing the time.

Great news Michelina. That all sounds extremely promising. smile.gif

Funnybird, glad you're finally going to find out more information. I always write down questions otherwise I forget them. I hope what you find out sustains the hope you felt when you posted yesterday.

Melora, that sucks, you poor thing. I quite enjoyed charting and found it interesting but at the same time often frustrating when I couldn't interpret what was going on.. i laughed out loud at Fookie's description. But I kept going so that if I did get to the point where I needed expert help I would have all the records to take with me. Don't deny the crappy feelings but try to do things to cheer you up. My husband and I would have a consolation prize each month - ("if we're not pregnant this time, we're going out for dinner at ... and I'm having cocktails, goddamnit.")

Ananke, I'm also a big fan of vaccinations and definitely plan on having my children vaccinated according to schedule. I have received the seasonal flu vaccine at work every year it's been offered except this year. But since my sister-in-law (well, my 20 year old brother's long term girlfriend) got sick last year, I'm afraid I've become a lot more skeptical of 'new' vaccines, and less trusting of what health authorities are telling me. Thanks for your advice on live/dead vaccines - I've looked into this a bit. Hope your slight overexertion hasn't set your recovery back and that Fallon is having a smiley sort of day today!

Fookie, try to stay open to the hope / possibility when it comes along. Glad you're having a girls weekend which will speed up some of the waiting time!

I went researching today on the Australian Government website. The Panvax vaccine is being rolled out in Queensland, where I live, as of today and I know I should go and get it but I'm frankly terrified. Here's what I found:

"Pregnant Women and Breast feeding mothers
Why am I identified as a priority?
As a pregnant woman, you are more susceptible to complications of the pandemic (H1N1) 2009 influenza than the general population. This puts both you and your baby at risk. Around the world, and in here in Australia some pregnant women who have caught this disease have miscarried, gone into premature labour or died.

Am I getting Panvax® H1N1 vaccine to protect myself or my baby?
Both; vaccination will protect you and your baby. If you are vaccinated during pregnancy your baby will have protective antibodies for the first few months after birth.

Is it safe to be vaccinated at any stage in my pregnancy?
Yes. Influenza vaccines are safe during all stages of pregnancy. With seasonal flu, vaccination is normally offered in advance to women planning a pregnancy, and to pregnant women. As a pregnant woman, you are at risk of severe complications if you catch the pandemic (H1N1) 2009 influenza, so vaccination is strongly recommended. If you are worried about the Panvax® H1N1 vaccine you should discuss the potential risks and benefits of having it with your health care provider.

What are the risks to my baby and what are the risks to me?
Like all individuals receiving a vaccine, expectant mothers may experience similar side-effects, including a sore red arm, slight headache or mild temperature. Panvax® H1N1 vaccine is not a ‘live’ vaccine and cannot give you or your baby influenza, and is no greater risk to you or your unborn baby than seasonal vaccine.

Should I get vaccinated if I'm breast feeding?
Yes, by getting vaccinated you are reducing your chances of getting this flu and of passing it to your baby. There is no evidence that the vaccine affects breast milk, and because it contains no live virus you will not get flu. Your immunity after vaccination will not be passed to your baby through your breast milk.

I've heard there is a preservative called thiomersal in Panvax® H1N1 vaccine. Is it safe if I'm pregnant?
Yes. There is no evidence that thiomersal is harmful to pregnant women or their babies. Thiomersal is a commonly used preservative in multi-dose medicines such as Panvax® H1N1 vaccine, which contains a small amount of thiomersal to keep it safe in the vials.

Pregnant women are strongly encouraged to protect themselves and their baby by getting the vaccine. "

but this is even more interesting:,0.pdf

Especially this bit:
Use in pregnancy: (Category B2)
The safety profile of the vaccine in pregnant women is unknown. Healthcare professionals should assess the potential benefits and risks of administering Panvax® H1N1 Vaccine to pregnant women on a case by case basis, taking into account Australian Health Authorities’ recommendations.
Ladies, I want to respond individually to everyone, but right now I am just looking for some advice.

I feel SO anxious!

The past day or two, I have just started to have a lot of high anxiety related to this pregnancy. I am able to fall asleep, but I wake up after only 5 or 6 hours of sleep and don't feel rested. Yesterday I got the beginnings of a cold which of course made me paranoid (is it the flu?!)...I'm terrified of miscarriage, terrified of the reality of the situation, anxious over being a "good" mom, etc. etc. etc.

The anxiety has only gotten really bad in the past day or first I was thrilled...I'm still happy, please know this. Only now I've got this huge enormous thing to be anxious about, and it's exhausting.

I was in therapy years ago for anxiety and panic attacks. I've always been a "worrier" and Type A...but over the years I've improved. This pregnancy has suddenly spiraled me into just a state of anxiousness.

Oddly enough, work is helping. When I'm at work, I'm distracted, very busy, and unable to let my brain runaway with itself.

Is this normal? Am I hurting the baby? Erg...I feel so foolish. I'm thinking of calling the Employee Assistance Program as part of my work and just talking to an online counselor.

I know some of the TTC women may be like, "Shut up, Zelda! You finally got pregnant!" And that's how I feel on one level...but on another level I feel so much anxiety related to the pregnancy itself...I SO want this baby and there is so much stress tied into it all.

Any advice??

(((Melora))) I wish that I could say something else that would help. I think the other ladies are right - let yourself feel it and do something that makes you feel good. You are not alone. I completely relate to that feeling of being defeated. Please check in and get support anytime you need it. We are all here for the ups and the downs.

(((Zelda))) Not for a second reading your post did I think anything negative of you for having these feelings. First of all, they are your feelings and one cannot fault someone for the way they feel. Secondly you are carrying a life in you - that would cause some anxiety for the most type B personality there is! I have never been pregnant, but I could see myself having similar anxiety, quite honestly. I think talking to / seeing a counsellor is a great idea. You need an outlet to express some of these feelings, and maybe some coping suggestions too. You are normal and this is a normal reaction to a major life event... no matter how happy you are about it. Hugs to you.

Fookie, we are cycling together it looks like. I am 4DPO today. I am trying not to obsess as well. Do you get any coverage for your progesterone? My drug plan doesn't cover it so it costs me $70 a month. That was a little disappointing.

Cristine, how are you doing? I really hope this is your month.

Funnybird, thinking of you and AB today.
Zelda-It is completely normal for you to be going through this. I didn't have one really good night of sleep the whole time I was pregnant--first because of anxiety, then because of pee, then carpal tunnel, and on an on.

If you quit your boot camp, don't quit exercising altogether. I know it's getting dark earlier, but if you can, try to get a walk in every day. And try to establish a few confidantes that agree to help walk you through the anixety phase. Don't feel like because you wanted this so badly, you're not allowed to have doubts and fears. They will wear off for the most part, but you'll still have them sometimes even after the baby is born. You'd be insane if you didn't have some doubts. It's the biggest change you'll ever make in your life...bigger than marriage, bigger than choosing your job. But it's really doable. Trust me, you can do this and you'll do it really well.

Not much time to write, but I just wanted to pop in and tell you that.
Not much time before work, but I wanted to pop in quickly and add my support to you too, zelda. It is completely and totally normal to be anxious about life in general and the pregnancy in particular when you're pregnant. If you think talking to your therapist/counselor would be helpful, I say go for it - it absolutely can't hurt. But you're not abnormal in the least. Heck, I remember my mom telling me that her first thought when she started to show with me was, "Oh my God, what have I done?" (And she really, really wanted kids.) And the early parts of pregnancy are especially nerve-wracking. eyelet had great advice about regular exercise and finding confidantes. I find that women who are moms themselves are especially helpful because they can empathize. Also, I know I keep harping on this, but I honestly found writing in a journal to be really helpful for me. In addition to all my food entries, there are a lot of early entries where I am absolutely terrified that I'm going to lose the baby. I don't know that the baby will ever get to read this journal, but it was helpful to me to put all my fears down and let them out.

Two things to add to the advice you've already gotten: 1) "Hope doesn't make bad things happen" (that one was just a reminder) and 2) in a weird way, the anxiety is actually a GOOD thing because it shows how much you care about being a good parent. Your little bean is a lucky little bean to have a mama who loves him/her so much already! And in the words of Veronica Sawyer from Heathers, "If you were happy every day of your life, you wouldn't be a human being, you'd be a game show host." You can be simultaneously happy/grateful/excited for the pregnancy and sad/worried/scared/disappointed/insert negative emotion here, and it doesn't make you a bad person in the least. It makes you a human.
Oh my gosh, I am so touched by all these responses. I'm at work on my off period and checked this thread and I am so grateful to read all of your notes and know I'm not crazy. THANK YOU.

I think 2 things are affecting me especially, and eyelet, you hit the nail on the head.

1) I'm not exercising anymore. I went from a pretty intense exerciser to not doing any exercise this past week, and that's not okay. I don't feel comfortable doing the boot camp, but I am going to walk (even just a nice stroll) after work every day. I think that will really help. I get out of work around 4 so it is still light out.

2) I'm not drinking anymore! I am definitely someone who unwinds with a glass of wine (or three) after work...this helps me sleep, it numbs any anxiety. I'm not saying this is a good thing, but the sudden loss of my one (and only) vice I think may be having an affect even though I had been trying to limit my alcohol consumption when I was TTC.

I wish I could find a confidante (in real life) who has gone through a pregnancy and experienced BFF is so close to her due date and her mind is there and nowhere else, which I understand. Many of my girlfriends don't have kids, and the ones that do (mostly coworkers) either don't know or just don't "click" with me...they're mostly soccer mom types. I tried to ask one of the women I work out with (she knows about the pregnancy since I'm not doing boot camp anymore and had to tell her) if she had anxiety, and she looked at me like I had three heads.

I will try to write more in a journal, julie...even early this morning after I wrote that earlier post, I was able to go lie down and rest for another hour before work and was more calm because I think I got it off my chest.

I'm just so scared feeling anxious will cause a miscarriage even when I know that's not true...oh, I'll feel better when I get to 12 weeks...even 8 weeks.

((((BUSTies)))) thank you for your help! You don't know how much it means to me.
My goodness, you poor thing. You have every right to be anxious, worried, etc. Like someone else has already said, this is a HUGE change in your life. And I imagine the transition between “OMG there must be something wrong me me, I’ll never conceive” to “holy shit, I’m pregnant” would play a major number on your emotions. It definitely wouldn’t hurt to talk to a therapist about all of this. Especially since that has helped you in the past. Know, though, that you’re not bad for being anxious or nervous. And I don’t think any of us TTC’ers are rolling our eyes at you! I think the advice to find a way to do some light exercise (have you thought about pregnancy yoga? The yoga will really help with relaxation and with the anxiety, plus it’ll do your body good and help prepare you for birth) and to write about it (whether here or in a journal) is great. You are going to be just fine. More than just fine: A fabulous mamma to a fabulous baby.

Michelina … the progesterone suppositories are not covered for me either. I have an amazing plan and it covers all the fertility drugs in perpetuity (no $$ limit), which is extremely rare according to my clinic. But they don’t cover the progesterone. If it makes you feel any better … mine cost $129 every 14 days! Gahhhhhhh.
Good luck Fookie, that will just be poetic to get pregnant the month you’re taking a break from treatments!! Have fun this weekend!

Zelda, I too have extreme anxieties and have had some panic attacks as well… the worst part is that everyone I know thinks that it’s mind over matter, but as I’m sure you know that is simply not the case! I used to work for an EAP provider and I strongly recommend you make use of that benefit. I sat next to the licensed clinicians when they would talk people down from the ledge (mostly figurative) and they were absolutely amazing. Ironically I ended up leaving the company when they made me start conducting health fair seminars for our clients, I would have panic attacks each time to the point where I couldn’t see the words on the paper in front of me. Anyway, long story short, I know I’ll be a total stress case when I get pregnant too… and in summary, use your EAP benefits! But just know that this is normal even with moms-to-be who aren’t prone to anxiety.

Thanks Michelina, I still have high temps (at 8-10 DPO) & no symptoms. I did have an amazing dream last night of holding my sweet daughter, she wasn’t a baby, around 3 years old, and we were just having a precious moment and all of a sudden I was overcome with emotion about how much I loved this little angel & had to hold back the tears! It was a beautiful dream and I hope it means something… but it is just a dream. I’m probably going to test on Friday morning, a bit early I know but I just can’t wait. Anyway, how are the progesterone suppositories so far? Pretty easy to deal with? Good luck in your 2WW!

Fookie, wow, I wonder why yours cost so much more. Mine are $70 for the two-week supply, which are only needed once per cycle. What is your dose? Mine is 100mg 3X daily. I am getting this wierd pinching sensation in my abdomen. I am convinced it is due to the progesterone, but cannot find anthing specific about it online. have you experienced that?
Cristine, it looks like we posted at the same time! The suppositories are going pretty well, but it is a bit awkward at work. It's not as bad as I expected so I'm relieved about that.
And Cristine, your dream sounded wonderful. You will have that one day. Believe it!
Michelina, I don't know. Mine is 200mg x3. So double the dose of meds. There's also something about the glycerine or something being an organic compound instead of the regular stuff used in drug store suppositories... I'm not sure. It's nuts though. And until you get pregnant you only need it for 14 days in your cycle, but WHEN you get pregnant, they'll make you continue it until about four months along, when something (I can't remember what) happens and you don't need to be making the progesterone anymore. I could have those timelines screwed up b/c I've just never gotten that far yet and haven't paid attention smile.gif. I have had pinching on and off in some cycles and not in others. I can't say I've been able to relate it to anything specific. Though I have read of people who had pinching right around when they had implantation bleeding ... so you never know, maybe it does mean something in some cases!

Thanks, Cristine. I'd obviously love it if that happened, but I can't let myself hope too much.
Zelda - as one of the TTC'ers, i have to say that this statement from eyelet captures my feelings on the matter perfectly: "Don't feel like because you wanted this so badly, you're not allowed to have doubts and fears." (thanks, eyelet, for being articulate so i don't have to.) are you familiar with the concept of primary and secondary anxiety? primary anxiety is the stress & fear you're experiencing organically, and secondary anxiety is when you get anxious about having the primary anxiety. as others have stated and you yourself know, you can't really decide to turn off the primary stuff, but you can try to let go of the secondary...the "beating yourself up for feeling bad in the first place" part. does that make any sense? and don't for a second think you're alone with that stress - dude, if i ever get to where you are, i'm going to be a certifiable basket case, no doubt.

i'm also a big fan of distraction as an anxiety-managing technique: work can be good for this, as long as you don't disappear into it completely. and it might sound cheesy, but craft projects really help me too...knitting, working on altered books, soldering pendants - anything that can give you something else to focus on might make it easier. (caveat: i would suggest NOT knitting baby stuff, not because you're tempting fate but because it really defeats the whole "get your mind off of that subject" purpose, yeah?) so combine crafty distraction with a TV-on-DVD marathon and you've got a low-cost, pregnancy-safe tranquilizer right there, yo.

Christine - what a sweet dream! i'm glad you were able to remember it after you woke up. (my own dream last night included my boyfriend and i visiting his high school and finding the graduation robe he had worn, except it was like one of those animal bathrobe things with a tiara on top and "¡felicitaciones, señorita!" printed on the back. so i kinda think you win in the dream department.)

and many, many thanks for your kind words, everyone. i've mellowed out a little bit since yesterday and am just taking some time to regroup & figure out what makes the most sense from here.

oh! i almost forgot: this is an offer both for Zelda and for anyone else who might be interested: i do a fair amount of web design & have my own server, so if you were interested in keeping your journal online as a blog (either private or public), i can totally hook you up for zero cost. (the server space is negligible and the design stuff helps keep me sane; see paragraph three above.) lemme know...
Zelda, I don't have anything to add to the words of the wise Busties who have already posted. Your feelings seem perfectly natural to me (I'm a worrier too); you've waited a long time for this, so of course you're not going to take things for granted. You're going to be fine though.

Cristine, what a lovely dream! And Melora, it's nice to have you around.

So, we saw the oncologist again this afternoon, and after looking at the histology results for himself he has decided that chemo won't be necessary. Instead Architect Boy will be kept under surveillance with regular blood tests and scans for now. It all seems quite an anticlimax after the drama of the past few months, but obviously we're relieved. And we're free to start work on a baby this month, if AB feels up to it (he's still a little sore after the surgery). I'm totally unprepared - I've been drinking coffee and alcohol like it's going out of fashion and not taking my vitamins - and I'm on day 6 of my cycle, so a rapid detox starts tomorrow!

One thing I must confess to (because I feel I can tell you guys anything and you won't judge me) is that I still feel envious of my pregnant sister-in-law. She called today after her 18 week scan with the news that she's having a boy, and I felt this bitter little twinge inside when AB relayed the news. I'm ashamed and confused, because I thought it would go away now we're not doomed to infertility. I should be counting my own blessings right now, not coveting someone else's.
Funny, the feelings you have about your sister-in-law's pregnancy are completely normal... you're only human! And it's not like you have any ill will toward her, it just sucks that YOU don't get to be the one sharing that news after all this time of TTC! And you guys truly are blessed, that is terrific news about AB!!! You guys should really celebrate tonight... before the detox!!

Melora, are you having any more period-like symptoms?
Funnybird--The fact that you have coped so elegantly with a miscarriage and a husband with cancer in one calendar year makes you a hero in my book, and if you didn't feel pangs of envy when hearing other people's baby news, I would worry about whether you were suppressing important feelings.

I'm so glad to hear AB won't need chemo. I haven't commented much on this situation with him much because I felt others' comments were reflecting the same things I would say, but to hear there will be no chemo is cause for celebration indeed! I'm so glad for you guys. And maybe the baby you are supposed to carry to term was meant to be conceived after all this cancer stuff was done. It's your time now.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but it has added relevance in light of Funny's news. My cousin, who is in her early 30's and had Lymphoma in highschool, has successfully become pregnant with her sister's egg and husband's sperm (her eggs were too damaged). We don't know yet if it's multiples. They are hoping not because my cousin is quite tiny and also has religious reasons beyond the obvious personal ones for not wanting to abort any fetuses. I am so happy for her and think it's kinda cool that I, the oldest cousin who was written off for having kids and she the one who couldn't conceive, have both had pregnancies this year.

Back to work...
Hi everybody, I'm so behind I don't think I'll ever catch up properly, there's so much news!

I wanted to weigh in on the swine flu vaccine issue; I saw my midwife today for my 30 week check and asked about the regular seasonal flu vaccine. I normally have the flu jab, either via my GP (I get offered it because I'm asthmatic) or at work where they offer it as a benefit. The midwife said that because your immune system is somewhat suppressed during pregnancy anyway, in tandem with the fact that the flu jab is a live vaccine, that she would not recommend getting it and that a pregnant woman could suffer from flu symptoms that a non-pregnant person wouldn't get. Because of my pregnant brain I forgot to ask her about the swine flu vaccine in particular, I am presuming that the advice would be different as the news is saying that pregnant women would be in one of the primary at-risk groups of people who should have access to the jab. It is confusing.

I have had a very busy few days with baby stuff. On the weekend I bought a new car (one capable of fitting a buggy in the boot and a car seat on the back seat) and also my travel system. I have a set up where the pram body converts into a pushchair but can also work as a crib, with a special kind of mattress and a rocker/stand which means we don't need to get an additional moses basket. Buying the travel system was way more complex than choosing a car!

Today I've had a 4D scan. I originally had this done when I was 24 weeks pregnant but the baby wasn't very compliant and had his hands and feet in front of his face. Today we got a much clearer view, and he looks so much like a chubby little baby! He already weighs 3.5 lbs and I think he's gorgeous. All his measurements are bang on where they should be and it looks like by 9th December he will be with us and taking up the empty space in his new pram. We saw him suck his thumb, put his fist in his mouth, yawn and smile, it was great and we love him so much already.

I've had a rough few days emotionally. I'm guessing my hormones must be all over the place, but I've been feeling hugely insecure about myself and about my place in the world. I've had this terrible paranoia that my partner might leave me, because I am so boring, and this fear has been really rocking me. I've been quite open about it, but of course it makes me feel worse to articulate these feelings because it's the vulnerability in them that makes me feel so weak. My partner has been very supportive, telling me that he loves me and the baby and our little family, and that I have no need to worry about anything relating to us and I do believe him and really he has done absolutely nothing to make me feel this way. There is something in me looking for disaster and devastation, like I am waiting for an axe to fall in some way or just generally for something bad to happen. (ETA I've been feeling that way about work too, a bit.) Partly I think it's because our little family life is so important to me that I would be devastated if something went wrong, but partly I think my self esteem is on the floor due to hormones. Either way, I've been feeling pretty bad. Partly I also think it's a misdirection of the grief I have for my Nan. She died 4 weeks ago exactly. Thanks all for your kind words about her, I really appreciate them.

I'm sorry for gassing on so much about myself, it is so great to have an outlet here!

funnybird, great news that AB will not be having chemo, I'm really pleased for you, and pleased that you can get on with the baby making! The twinges of envy you describe are nothing to be ashamed of and certainly nothing to do with not counting your own blessings - it's only natural, I had those kind of upset feelings when I heard that others were pregnant even before we decided to start trying, so really it is just your desire to be a mum rather than anything meaner inspiring these feelings. I second what eyelet says about how incredibly you have handled such brutal challenges this year.

Zelda, I am still so stoked for you that you're knocked up. Don't be too hard on yourself about the anxiety feelings you're having at the moment. It's a big shift losing the habits that ground you, whether that's serious exercise or alcohol (the fact I've not drunk wine since April is contributing to the emotional freak outs I've been having this week, I'm sure). It's only natural to worry about the pregnancy. I second what Julie says about the early weeks of pregnancy and how worry-making they are - the relief I felt after my 12 week scan felt like a drug! All you can do it have faith that all will be fine, and stay away from Google.

Michelina, really pleased to hear that your US results were good and that your grandma's surgery went well.

Julie, hope you're feeling better after the up and down day you described. I hear you on the feeling overwhelmed thing, it is such a massive adjustment, but as my mum is very fond of saying, no babies would be born at all if they were born just to parents in perfect situations.

Melora, welcome! The absence of references to baby dancing is one of this forum's best features after all the fabulous women that post here. It really has kept my brain in the right position over the past 6 months or so since I found out I was up the duff.

To all the mums with babies, those with buns in the oven and those TTC, thanks for being here. I think of you all collectively and individually so often in my day that you wouldn't believe.
Funny, there is NOTHING wrong with those twinges of envy. You'd be abnormal if you didn't have them. I am SO glad about AB's results and so excited that you can begin baby making right away. That is GREAT news...hurrah!

JennyD, I think your hormones could have something to do with how you're feeling, but it could also be your grief over your dear, sweet Nan...and just general relationship anxiety that is normal when a baby is around the corner. I think it's great you can speak openly about it with your partner. Mr. Z really dealt with a lot of my insecurities when we were first together, and sometimes I think, thank goodness he could handle all that...but he wasn't "handling" it...he loved/loves me just as I am, just as Mr. JennyD loves you. Hang in the way, that scan sounds incredible! And thanks for the info on the shot...just more for me to talk to my midwife about when I go in.

Melora, thanks for the crafty project idea and for the website offer...I'm not quite crafty, but I do like to color and doodle. I think I might try that? Or maybe start haunting Hobby Lobby and Michael's Crafts for ideas? (Or BUST of course...) And yeah, I think my secondary anxiety is worse than my primary...I can tell you know a lot about anxiety lady! Sounds like a conversation I would have had with my old therapist. :-) Glad you are on this thread.

Michelina, I know the suppositories must be awkward at work, but try to make yourself laugh by thinking, "If only my coworkers knew..." Sometimes after Mr. Z and I would have quickie morning sex while TTC, I would come to work thinking, "I just had sex 30 minutes ago...can you tell?" Of course I never SAID that.

Cristine, your dream will come true, I know it. rock! Just wanted to say it. You're a wealth of information for everyone on this thread, and YOUR dream will come true soon, too...I know it.

I'm in a decidedly better frame of mind tonight. When I got home, I went for a power walk and felt GREAT. I decided, "No TV for me," because I think that's where i tend to zone out...had a phone chat with a coworker (didn't talk about pregnancy at all) and chatted with Mr. Z when he came home about our weekend trip coming up.

Now I'm reading. I feel for the most part better. I also called my EAP and have a phone consultation scheduled with a therapist...unfortunately she is not available for two more weeks, but I'm sure I'll still need to talk to someone then...I get 6 free consultations which I think will be great.

I think this spiral into anxiety was brought on by a three day vacation weekend where I did not much but sit around the house reading about H1N1 and miscarriages and the like. I am not someone who can "relax" by sitting around doing fact, sitting around "doing nothing" is one of the worst things I can do!

I think I also was trying to mimic the beginning of my pregnancy after my BFF...who was instantly exhausted and rode the couch for the first three months...after all, she's been my model of what pregnancy is supposed to be like for the past 8 months.

But my mom pointed something out to much as I love my BFF, she is significantly overweight, older, and was not working out when she got pregnant. The symptoms may have affected her differently because of this. My regular workout schedule, state of mind, weight, etc. are different just like every pregnancy is different. Just because she sat on the couch for three months (and she was totally entitled to do this) doesn't mean I have to do this. I can keep exercising, stay busy, and do all these things as long as my body and doctor say it's okay. In fact, I think it will keep me healthier and make more sense for me personally.

So I'm feeling a lot better...and a LOT of feeling better is coming from having the support of the lovely women on this thread!
QUOTE(jenny_dreadful @ Oct 1 2009, 07:48 AM) *
the relief I felt after my 12 week scan felt like a drug!

...So much so that the day after mine, the shift in my energy was so profound that when I walked into my office the next day, my colleague took one look at me and said, "you're pregnant, aren't you?" - She is highly attuned to that stuff but I still thought that was pretty amazing.

Glad you're feeling a bit better, zelda. Remember that exercise releases endorphins so you've had to deal with the come down from your regular hit. Walking will help with that.

Your news is wonderful funnybird and you are amazing.

I went for my 'booking-in' appointment at the hospital today. Heard the little heartbeat again on a doppler, which was great - I do quite frequently wonder whether everything is OK in there, so that was very reassuring. No one even MENTIONED H1N1 vaccinations (this seems weird considering the fact that the Qld Health website said pregnant women are strongly urged to recieve the vaccination) and I didn't ask. I'm waiting 'til I next see my GP to discuss it with him. I think I am tending towards wanting to get it now because if I refused and I did get Swine Flu and compromised the pregnancy I'd feel so irresponsible and never forgive myself, but if I do get vaccinated, if things go wrong at least I can console myself that I was following the best advice of which I could avail myself.
I wish there was some definitive answer on swine flu, ellen! I am sure you will make the right decision for you. I hope I can do the same. What does Mr. Ellen think?

I dream of reaching 12 weeks and feeling a little less anxious!

I'm feeling better this morning despite not getting much sleep (again) last night. My dear old friend from high school who is currently in her second pregnancy called me last night to check on me. We don't talk much on the phone, but it was good to catch up. Like me, she suffered from panic attacks and anxiety in her 20s. She told me she had horrible insomnia with her first pregnancy and is experiencing it again now with her second.

She's a nurse practitioner, and while she's not a doctor, I found it interesting that she said that she blames pregnancy hormones for the insomnia. Even though some women are told to expect fatigue, she said it doesn't seem crazy to her that people whose bodies are wired for anxiety might experience the reverse. At any rate, she made me feel more "normal" about it.

Unlike the night before, I didn't get all panicky about it. Mostly I was like, "Okay fine, I'm going to have insomnia tonight. It won't hurt anything." I ended up watching Larry King Live at, like, 2 am. Eventually, sleep will come for me! :-)
Funnybird, I am so happy for you. And those twinges of envy - like others have already said - just make you human.

Fookie, thanks for the progesterone info (and for all the info you have given to us for that matter!) My gyne told me that under no circumstances should I stop the progesterone until the clinic tells me too. My concern is that Friday, Oct 9 is 13dpo and would be a good day for the blood hcg test. But the problem is that the following Monday is Thanksgiving and therefore, the clinic couldn't get me my result until Tuesday, which would be 17dpo. I am wondering if it would be better to get my blood test at 12dpo and my result on 13dpo. Would 12dpo be conclusive enough? I'll call the clinic, but was wondering what your reaction is.

Zelda, glad you feel a little more "normal" now. It sounds like your conversation provided you with some much needed support.


My twinges seem to be gone now. I am convinced it was due to the progesterone and am not reading into it any further than that. Honestly, I am in this frame of mind where I am just thinking about my cycles and tests, but not actually thinking about being pregnant. If it happens, then wondeful. But I don't want to start expecting it now that I am on these supplements.

My grandma has crashed again - this time her kidneys are failing. We are all just waiting to hear. She hasn't been responsive since surgery and it's not looking good. I just hope she is comfortable and if she goes, it is in peace.
Hey guys...I just wanted to jump in and introduce myself. I'm no longer pregnant but joyfully postpartum with my 3rd baby. (It only FEELS like you're pregnant forever). Anyway I've been a peer counselor for breastfeeding mothers for almost 10 years. Even for me the first couple weeks of breast feeding can be extremely frustrating (especially when you haven't slept through the night in ages). I guess that's why I got into peer counseling...when I had my first baby, I was out in the middle of nowhere, visiting my mother (who never breastfed) and I was miles away from any La Leche League groups. I remember sobbing at 2a.m. with exhaustion/frustration because I could not get the baby to latch properly. I had read a lot of books, so I was expecting it to be sort of difficult. I just wasn't quite prepared for how intense it really was. (I've even known women who survived natural child birth, but couldn't make it through the first difficult weeks of breastfeeding). I made it through the experience, but since have talked to countless mothers who really wanted to breastfeed but couldn't make it past those first difficult weeks. IF anyone is interested in breastfeeding (and I'm in no way trying to sell/convince those who prefer the bottle) and you find yourself in a similar situation, frustrated and without support, you can always PM me. There is no fee for bf counseling, we are just a community of mothers who offer one another support.

I hope this doesn't seem too weird...I feel like I'm barging in with a "Public Service Announcement". Anyway, here's wishing you all healthy babies and no back labor when your time comes!
Jenny, I'm sorry about the feelings you're having... I'm sure it's a cross of your hormones and losing your Nan so recently. I'm glad Mr. JD is so understanding & supportive during this crazy time!

Zelda, I’m glad you have a consultation scheduled… sorry you have to wait a little while!

Michelina, I am so so sorry about your grandma!!! And in my opinion, I think that with your cycle, 12 DPO would be sufficient for an accurate blood test… wishing you all the luck in the world!! So have you had any spotting at all this time?

Koffee, thanks for posting as I’m sure some women here could use your advice… or may need to in the near future.
Good morning all, I had a negative test today... could still be a couple days early but I'm not getting my hopes up since I've also had occasional period cramps. I haven't told Mr. C yet because I know how discouraged he'll get, I'll wait until I start my period to tell him.
Ladies, hi. I'm asking for your prayers and thoughts and positive energy today. I am having a really, really rough time. I didn't sleep at all last night, and I had a massive panic attack the likes of which I haven't had since I was in college when I first started dealing with my panic attack disorder (which has been pretty much under wraps for the past ten years until this pregnancy).

I took the day off from work and am exhausted, panicky, and overall not doing too well. My panic and anxiety have simply skyrocketed in the last few days. I called my GYN who told me I need to contact a mental health professional soon. She promised me that lack of sleep and anxiety will NOT cause of a miscarriage, but I am so scared. She said that the pregnancy hormones are definitely triggering this anxiety that I am genetically wired to have but have mostly kept managed for the past several years. I have not felt this bad and anxious since my college years.

I desperately need sleep. My midwife's office and my GYN both said Unisom is okay and so is Benadryl, but I tried Benadryl last night to no avail. I did just now go buy some Unisom and am hoping it works tonight.

My mind is racing to the point where I am almost wondering if this is a sign from my body that I am not meant to be a mom.

Please send any and all positive thoughts my way, and I will hopefully be able to provide a more positive update in a few days. By the way my GYN did give me the name of a mental health professional, and I contacted her and am waiting to hear back.
Zelda, this is absolutely not a sign that you are not meant to be a mom. You are meant to be a mom, and what's more you're going to be!

While all this anxiety is terrible for you to be going through, and I really really feel for you, it's not going to hurt the baby and in everything you have been doing so far you are taking great care of your baby! You're going to make a great mum, and what you are enduring now will not last and soon you will be back on track.

Please let us know when you've spoken to a mental health professional. You are doing the right thing in talking to someone, and it shows that you are taking good care of your baby and of you.

(((((Zelda))))) I'm sending you positive, calming thoughts and hope that you are feeling much calmer soon. I'm sorry to read that you are feeling so terrible, but it will pass one way or another and you will feel better.
I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. Honey, you are absolutely meant to be a mom - it's just that pregnancy throws everything (body and mind) through the wringer. The key is to try to keep taking care of yourself, and that will help you take care of baby.

Incidentally, I know two people who took antidepressants all through their pregnancies because they had a history of depression or of anxiety disorders. And their babies were just fine. Your midwife/OB and your mental health practitioner can work with you to find the right treatment to take care of you both for the next several months. Also, keep in mind that the worst of it may be happening right now because of where you are in the pregnancy. Until you hit about 10 to 12 weeks and the placenta takes over the hormone management, you're getting hit with the hormone barrage with very little relief. (This is also why the morning sickness tends to be worst during that 6-12 week period.)

I'm with jenny - I think the sooner you get in touch with a mental health professional, the sooner you're going to start to feel better. (And from what I know of my friends with anxiety disorders, sometimes you feel crappy for awhile before you actually feel better...but you have to get through the feeling crappy part first.)

I get the sense that the thing that scares you most that right now you are feeling really out of control. Now, you're not necessarily going to get that sense of control back (as I've said before, there is nothing like pregnancy to make us realize how little we have control over in life), but getting some assistance might help you get a little more stability so you can feel better.

Sweetie, this is a rollercoaster and you are going to feel all sorts of different emotions over the next few months (a lot of them at the same time). We're here for you - and I'm praying for/thinking of you a lot - but you are doing the right thing to reach out for help. You and baby are going to be FINE.

((Michelina)) So sorry about your grandma. Thinking of you too...

koffeewitch, thanks for posting...I may need to take you up on your offer in a few weeks. I've been doing a lot of reading about breastfeeding, am taking a class and will have access to a lactation consultant in the hospital, but I find that the best advice about a LOT of things is to talk to someone who has been through it.

funnybird, so happy that AB doesn't have to go through chemo! That is wonderful news and I'm sending my good vibes your way.

jenny, take care, sweetie - I'm so sorry about your Nan. Also, I have often had similar fears....what will happen to my relationship? Will he still want me after the baby or will we turn into a sexless Mommy and Daddy? What if I suddenly become boring to him? It goes along with the territory, I suspect.
(((Zelda))) I think you have a very wise plan and Jenny and Julie also had great advice for you. I am sending positive thoughts and energy south.

Cristine, I am sorry it was negative. I think you're wise to hold off on sharing with Mr. C until you know for sure.
Hi, I have a really simple question which might be of help, at least I hope. Zelda are you on any special prenatal vitamins? I had panic attacks during my pregnancy and the vitamins made all the difference. Might help. hope you all are doing great--pregnancy's an interesting ride.
Zelda-it really is going to be okay. I had anxiety attacks too--maybe not to the extent that you are having, but that's in part because I had severe ones years back and got a ton of therapy to learn how to avert them. It's along the lines of "this is just a movie, this is just a movie," like you do when you're a little kid watching something scary. I told myself that this was just the anxiety talking, not reality. In reality things are okay--you don't have to fight or fly, despite what your brain chemicals are telling you. You have a home, you have a partner, you have family, you have health, you have health coverage, you have the ability to make good nurturing decisions. You have all the tools you need to do this. I promise.

Also--I used Rescue Remedy homeopathic on a few occasions while pregnant when I felt really strung out. Midwives recommend it.

As usual, not much time to type two handed, but I wanted to try to give you some moral support.
<delurks> i don't particularly want children, but my guy does. i have pcos, and i'm not sure how hard it will be for me to conceive. though iknow it's a few years in the future, i'm worried about it.....i don;'t want him to be disappointed or leave me because i might not be able to have kids.
Zelda, I hope that you are feeling better. Thinking of you lots.

Cristine, how are you doing? Did your period come or did you test again? I am still crossing my fingers for you. I haven't spotted at all this cycle, which is a huge relief. I really think last month's crazy ovulation spotting was due to the aspirin.

P176, sounds like a tough spot to be in. The good news is that there are many more treatments for infertility now than in the past. Having PCOS may create a challenge, but it doesn't mean you won't be able to conceive. You may need medication though. And some women with PCOS conceive on their own. If you don't mind, how old are you?

It sounds like your concern is twofold though, as you are not sure you want children. I know how hard it can be on a relationship when one person wants children and the other doesn't or is undecided. My husband didn't particularly want children either when we first met. He did decide he wants them, and now is as excited as I am. But I know that is not the case for everyone. Have you had discussions with him about your concerns with respect to both of these issues?

It seems to me that you are open to having children, but are concerned that if you make that decision, it won't happen for you. Is that right?
Michelina, I have not started my period but am still having premenstrual cramps... I doubt there's any chance in the world that I could be pregnant with these kind of cramps. I tested again this morning though and it was negative. I did end up telling Mr. C last night and he said sorry. I am so damn irritated that this is a situation in which we both feel like failures and feel the need to apologize to each other! Anyway he said I should have a glass of wine, convinced I'm not pregnant I did... after 3 weeks of not drinking at all it's amazing how much 1 glass can do! Anyway, not looking forward to another month of trying but what else do I do at this point? Sorry, just venting now. How are you doing so far in your 2WW?
Zelda, just a quick note to tell you that one of my favourite authors wrote her first book while suffering from pregnancy induced insomnia (Barbara Kingsolver - she wrote it inside a closet). It's def. read and def. pregnancy related and DEFINITELY NOT A SIGN OF ANYTHING. Except, y'know, the pregnancy. I was lucky because pregnancy seemed to 'cure' a lot of my mental illness related issues but it is super common for it to exacerbate them. I had one panic attack right towards the end and the sheer terror of it was so abnormal and so different after months of being okay that it struck me for days afterwards. I can only imagine it being so much worse for you right now. *hugs* and best wishes okay? You can get through this.
michelina - i just turned 29. i realize that many people have children closer to 40, but i don't want to do that. i also realize that as i lose weight, that will increase my chances of being able to conceive. as i wrote on the 'becoming healthy' thread, my new dr agrees that i'm overweight and in danger of diabetes, so she's actually trying to help. i do sometimes have a hard time believing that you can't conceive when you get your period every month, but i guess that's pcos for you.

i don't particularly want children but he does, and i'd told him that i'd be comfortable having children with him since i know he'd be an involved father and parent (as opposed to former boyfriends, who did not make a lot of money and were flaky).
Oh, honey. I'm sorry you're experiencing all this anxiety. I think there has been some incredibly good advice already on this threat, and I definitely agree with the idea that you should reach out to mental health care professionals as soon as possible. Are there no free call-in services in Texas? Some sort of call-line you could take advantage of until your appointment comes up? I would be surprised if your work-covered support didn't have some sort of emergency guidelines. I mean seriously, TWO WEEKS? By the time most people get to a point where they're looking for help it's because they really need it.

Anxiety can be paralyzing and scary as hell. My sister had a serious bought of anxiety related depression about four years ago. I hope that you're able to get some relief soon. You will get through this, and as Julie said, you have all the tools to be a good mother, and you will be a good mother.

p_176, there are PCOS threads on many of the fertitily websites out there. Back before I found this thread, I followed some of the threads on this board: The ladies with PCOS who advanced to fertility treatments like insemination, seemed to have the most luck getting pregnant out of the bunch. It may be encouraging to read through the thread called BFP status for IUI's. You'll see that the signatures of a huge number of these women say they have PCOS. As for not really wanting kids ... you never know what another couple of years may bring to the way you feel about that, especially if all this time you've been concerned about not being able to conceive. Maybe not wanting them has been a bit of self preservation ... but seriously ... if you're thinking of having kids for any other reason than you wanting them (i.e. for a guy), you're not doing yourself, your relationship, or your future kids any favours. I think Michelina gave very good advice when she suggested you have some good talks with your guy about both of the issues here. The new dr you mention will likely be a good source of information with regards to your particular PCOS and your chances for a natural conception. Good luck with everything.
Everyone, thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts. They mean SO much.

I've had QUITE the weekend. Essentially, I didn't sleep from Tuesday morning until last night (Saturday night), and I was suffering panic attack after panic attack. I couldn't sit still, had a racing heart, was shaking and trembling, and was frantic with exhaustion and fear. As I mentioned before, I went through this before in my early 20s (minus the global insomnia) and a little bit during puberty - all times for hormonal changes.

Saturday morning (yesterday) Mr. Z and I made the decision to take me to the emergency room as I had not slept in 72 hours and was a basket case. I was SO scared...never in a million years did I think pregnancy would create this.

The good news is I am feeling better today. The ER was incredible. The doctor I saw was thoughtful, kind, and instantly understanding (not all doctors are with panic attacks). When I told her I wasn't experiencing a lot of pregnancy symptoms yet, she said, "Honey, this is it. All of what you're experiencing is a result of your hormones being completely out of whack right now."

I had a transvaginal ultrasound done and was able to see the little gestational sac which was really cool - though at 5 weeks and 2 days it was too early to see the heartbeat.

Blood and urine showed normal HCG levels for this stage of pregnancy and everything else was normal, too.

The doctor ended up calling one of the OBs who is also part of the midwife practice. The doc on call suggested the ER doc prescribe me Ambien for sleep and a Clonazapam for the initial anxiety. She also said she wants to start me on Zoloft to take for the duration of the pregnancy.

The Ambien is a class B and is okay for pregnancy even though I was scared to take it. The Clonozapam is not ideal for a pregnant woman to take, but the ER doc and the OB both agreed the situation was serious enough that I needed to be brought down and out of the cycle of panic. The ER doc explained that the panicky surges actually create neural pathways in the brain, and one of the reasons it's so hard to stop a panic cycle once it starts is because the brain keeps revisiting the pathways - thinking it needs to "fight or flight."

The docs also said that it's highly likely a few doses of Clonozapam are not going to hurt the baby. I took two doses yesterday which helped immensely, and the Ambien finally put me to sleep.

I woke up this morning refreshed and feeling a LOT better. I haven't started taking the Zoloft still feeling unsure on that even though I know the literature all says it's okay. The ER doc suggested that I see an OB instead of the midwives because of what has happened and because the OBs can prescribe drugs.

I'm feeling kind of down about that because I really wanted to see a midwife, but I think it might be a good idea to see the OB instead, so tomorrow I'm going to call the practice about that. The good news is that my BFF's mother in law knows of the OB who talked to the ER doc and says she has a great reputation. (I've already looked up her bio.)

From what I've read, mental health issues are the worst in the first trimester because of the hormonal surges, but they tend to level out in the second trimester. Of course I'm already concerned that this all puts me at a higher risk of getting post partum depression, which may be another reason I should start taking Zoloft now.

Oh, and I'm going to start seeing a therapist recommended by my GYN on Thursday.

At any rate, woah...what a weekend. But can I just say...I have the most loving, wonderful husband on the face of the Earth? Mr. Z was right by my side through all of this, and he is just awesome. My family and friends were wonderfully supportive too, and all of you had so many words of encouragement.

This whole ordeal has made me realize how important it is to address mental health issues during pregnancy. Even though I'd battled anxiety years ago, I thought I had it "beat" - had no idea it could come back like this.

I hope to respond more to what's up with everyone else later, but I did want to give you my update. Hey, I just try to keep things interesting on this thread. ;-)
zelda- wow, what a time you've been having! I'm so glad you decided to go to the ER and you are experiencing some relief now. Mr. z does sound like a terrific guy, and you're a terrific gal. I'm thinking about you and sending you lots of support vibes ~~~~

Ananke- I read your post and just wanted to add that B. Kingsolver is one of my favorite authors as well! I hope she's working on something now...

Christine- any news?

I had an OB appointment on Friday. We heard the heartbeat. It was wonderful- I cried. I have decided to get the flu shot, but I'm still thinking about the H1N1 vaccine. Has anyone else decided about what they're going to do? I am 14 weeks along today- officially 2nd trimester! Yay! I can't wait until my energy level picks up.

Zelda, glad to hear you're feeling better.

Yum, no news. Still having cramps, 3 negative tests, temperature is still high @ CD 30, 12-14 DPO. I don't feel too hopeful this month but I just wish I'd start my period already so I can start over! That is great that you got to hear the heartbeat, how precious!! I will not be taking the H1N1 vaccine as it has been presented so far but I have heard a few different people say there would be other options for pregnant women, but if there isn't one without a live virus or if it has a mercury preservative then I will still say no.
Oh, Zelda! Wow, you made some incredibly wise and strong decisions despite your anxiety-ridden state. You should be so proud of yourself for seeing through the haze and doing what you had to do to take care of yourself and the baby. I don't think I've ever had a true anxiety attack, though last year during some in-law upheaval I found myself in a cycle of the worst anxiety I've ever experienced. What you say about the neural pathways. Makes so much sense. I truly felt like I had no control over the cyclical aspect of the thoughts that were in my head at that time. Scary stuff. Have you ever read the blog, I started reading her when she was canned from her job like 10 years ago for blogging about her boss and colleagues. She's quite funny. She then had a first baby and suffered from just about the most horrendous post-partum depression I've ever heard about (that didn't result in self-harm or harming of the children, that is). Anyway for her second baby, she took anti-anxiety/depression meds throughout the pregnancy and popped out a gorgeous, healthy, baby without any of the mental health-related issues she experienced during and after the first pregnancy. You can read way back into her entire ordeal through her blog. She's pretty damn funny, and honest about the whole thing. And makes a very strong case for taking the meds if you need them. So glad you were able to get some sleep and are feeling a bit better. You've taken every right step to get yourself feeling better and I think that may be one of the toughest hurdles.

YumYum and Christine... I thought I read just this week that the flu shot is live, but the H1N1 shot is not live... maybe I'm remembering this wrong? It would be great if they put out a version without the mercury preservative in it too.

Fookie, the H1N1 vaccine is actually the only one I'd consider getting now or during pregnancy, but only because of the fear of the unknown that is being spread around to pregnant women. Aside from that I'm sure I can get through any sickness while pregnant with Benadryl, cough drops & sleep! wink.gif BUT I had not heard that the general H1N1 vaccine available first is without a live virus, that's very interesting... if that's true then it would probably come down to whether or not it has mercury in it, thanks for the tip!
zelda, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you had to go through the ordeal in the ER but I'm so glad that you went forth with getting some help. I know you're concerned about taking the Zoloft, but do seriously consider friend who took it through both her pregnancies (to prevent post-partum depression, as she has a family history of severe depression) said it did wonders for helping her maintain equilibrium when she was pregnant.

Fookie's right, you should be very proud of yourself (and rightly proud of mr. Z) for looking out for yourself. And I'm glad you're going to see a therapist as well. The medication definitely helps with the brain chemical aspects, but like eyelet says there are lots of great strategies for helping yourself through the tough times that go beyond the medication (and can work really well with the medication). Whew! What an adventure.

p_176, ditto to the advice that Michelina gave you on talking with your partner about having kids. And while I know that it's preferable fertility-wise to get started early, I would say that with my own experience (I was ready to get started with the kiddos way before mr. julie was) I'm realizing the benefits of having gotten my relationship ready to take the leap on kids. Because once they arrive, no returns, no exchanges, all sales final.

Also, on the PCOS - there are actually a number of strategies for managing PCOS before going the Clomid or other fertility drug route. Some women have had success with just changing their diet (focusing on more of a high-protein, low-carb diet, since PCOS has been shown to be insulin-related), others have had benefited from a prescription for Metformin. Have you confirmed that you have PCOS? I was actually diagnosed with it when I was 19, but after being on the pill for a long time, then going off in my early 30s, I had another transvaginal ultrasound and they found no signs of cysts and my temperature charts (thank you, Taking Charge of Your Fertility) showed that I was ovulating every month. I don't know whether things changed over the decade or so I was on the pill or whether I never actually had PCOS in the first place, but I would definitely get the diagnosis confirmed if you're not positive you have it.

Cristine, sorry to hear about the negative tests. How long is your luteal phase normally? It sounds like you're getting close to going beyond your usual luteal phase, which is interesting. Not to get your hopes up unnecessarily, of course! I have a good feeling it is going to happen for you soon.

yumyum, how wonderful! I get misty hearing about everyone else's scans and first heartbeats. I'm so happy for you!

I have had a whirlwind week and am gearing up for another one. I worked Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday morning at the office, had our normal OB appointment Wednesday afternoon, took mr. julie to lunch for his birthday afterward, did consulting work in the afternoon, made mr. julie a pie for his birthday in the evening, and packed for my weekend trip (to my alma mater to plan reunion stuff and see friends). Then Thursday I did consulting work for a bit, went into the office and then to a meeting at my part-time gig, came home and had lunch, then went to the airport. Friday and Saturday were a combination of meetings, walking around campus, and hanging out at the pub with friends from college, which was both fun and tiring at the same time. Came home this afternoon, where mr. julie and some of our friends were working on a massive home improvement project that we've been meaning to get done for a long time. Happily, being preggers means that my only duties were to stay out of the way and make a run to Home Depot for extra supplies. This weeked we're going to Chicago to see my in-laws and hang out with some other friends. Then I'm grounded for the duration of the pregnancy.

I was a little nervous about how flying and traveling would go, since I'm nearing the tail end of when I'm allowed to do such things. Happily, other than not resting as much as I should have, I think I did pretty well. I avoided caffeine and wore support stockings and wide shoes on the days I flew, since the swelling tends to be worse then. I probably ate better than I have lately at home, since most of the meals were in the college cafeteria and I found myself drawn to the healthier offerings. Little dude was his little active self, especially in the evenings. Unfortunately he continues to refuse to be a command performer, much to my friends' chagrin, since they didn't get to feel him move.

Sorry about the monster post...geez, apparently I had lots to say! Love to all the Busties...I have been thinking of y'all often.
Wow ((zelda)) what an experience. So glad you've had help. I second what has been said about your responsible and positive decisions during the weekend.

Sorry to hear about your pre-menstrual symptoms, cristine. Positive energy to you at this difficult time.

julie, great to hear you're so active and busy enjoying yourself at this stage of your pregnancy!

I have decided that I will get the H1N1 vaccine but, as it was not tested on pregnant women, I'm going to wait the couple of weeks until my next GP appointment just to make sure nothing crazy happens to pregnant women who've had it (I can't imagine it will). My mum got it on Friday and she had some very interesting discussion with her own GP and the nurse at the practice. I decided that, well, crossing the road, driving my car, drinking a glass of water ... these all carry risks and, in fact, going to work/school WITHOUT having had the vaccine is actually a lot riskier than getting the vaccine. So, yeah. [the shot they're offering here in Aus is definitely not live].

Also, I think I've just felt a few first flutters of movement over the last couple of days. biggrin.gif
Julie I’m between 13-15 in my LP, I had estimated 15 days but fertility friend estimates 13 (crazy temps this month)… if I don’t start my period tomorrow I guess I’ll test again because it hasn’t been 14 days long since I started charting. My cramps are gone today after 3 days of pre-menstrual cramps, I really don’t know what to think! I had assumed I would start by tomorrow at the latest, so I would know if I can drink at a concert tomorrow night. Well, I just had a few sharp twinges right now so I guess my cramps haven’t completely stopped. Anyway, thanks for the good feelings! And it sure sounds like you have been busy, I’m glad that you’ve been up for all of your recent entertainment!

Ellen thanks for the positive energy! And that is terrific about your recent flutters of movement, that sounds heavenly!!
Cristine, I think testing again tomorrow is a good idea. I am hoping for you!

Ellen and Yumyum, what wonderful news! Movement and a beating heart. I want to experience those so badly! Must be really unbelievable.

Julie, sounds like a busy time for you. Hope you get some rest and relaxation in too. Being grounded doesn't sound so bad!

Zelda, I am very glad you got some help and are feeling a little better. You and Mr Z will make excellent parents. Your little bean is awfully lucky to have parents that are so together.

Fookie, how are you doing?

I am 9 dpo and keep thinking I am seeing light spotting. I am talking light, like, examine the toilet paper light. I am very paranoid about the progesterone not working. As much as I do not believe I am pregnant, I think I'll take it harder than usual finding out I'm not this month.
YumYum and Ellen, how exciting! I'm so happy for you both.

Crisitine, I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Michelina, if I could I would have a magnifying glass in the bathroom so I could check that toilet paper. Maybe even a mass-spectrometer (sp?). Last friday night (7dpo) I thought I saw some faint pink on the toilet paper. Implantation bleeding didn't even cross my mind. I just rolled my eyes and thought "stupid OPKs, I KNEW I didn't ovulate a week late!" Now I'm not even sure I saw the pink. I've had nothing since then. And nobody's allowed to get me hopeful that it could have been implantation bleeding. I think I imagined it anyway. It was dark and i held the toilet paper up to a nightlight. Michelina, every time I do something "new" in my treatment I let my hopes get really high. Those months it is tougher when I do get my period. I'm thinking about you and glad to have such a lovely cycle buddy.
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