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(((((((Funnybird))))))- I'm so sorry to hear that. How terrifying. Please feel free to vent here anytime, that's what we're here for.

zelda- I'm glad that you're back.

God, Funnybird, I am so sorry to hear this news! Do what you can to freeze his sperm for future use. I donít know much about testicular cancerÖ but when it comes time, will it not be a possibility to conceive naturally and thatís why you are talking about IVF? That question may be way too soon for you, I hope Iím not coming across as insensitive at all! I am so sorry for Mr. F, but very glad that you caught it so soon, and you are an amazing woman for being able to put on such a brave face for his benefit! But I know how devastating this must be for you!! Please donít feel the need to apologize for venting!
(((funnybird))) I'm sorry. Life is SO unfair. You must be feeling many emotions. Stay open to their flow. Let them be felt. Don't apologise for bringing them here.

As ananke said, good they got it early. I'm sending hope and strength to you and Architect boy.

Hope story for you: My brother's partner's sister's husband (I'll call him my brother-in-law!) found that he had cancer in his back about three years ago. He had to have some hardcore chemotherapy. I think they froze some of his sperm and I don't know whether they ended up using it but they just had a son in March!
((((((((funnybird)))))))) good grief! I am so sorry this is happening. Michelina is's good to be brave for him, but make sure you have some private space where you can vent and grieve. The good news is testicular cancer is incredibly beatable, and he is going to be just fine. All initial reports sound like he is going to make a full recovery. I am just glad he found it and went to the doctor unlike a lot of men.

As for getting pregnant, plenty of men (like Lance Armstrong), freeze sperm prior to treatment so they can father a child later in life. I just read this article in People about a man who froze his sperm at the age of 16 before being treated for leukemia. He now has a healthy baby girl. And could they not just do IUI instead of IVF? For your peace of mind, try to get some answers from a medical professional and make a plan. I think it might help (or, it would help me).

Please come back and let us know what's going on. We're all thinking of you and pulling for you both.
I'm so sorry. I'm thankful that they caught it early and that signs look good for a full recovery, but I know this is a blow for you and him both. I'm thinking of you both...keep us updated and remember to get the care and support you need for yourself as well.

zelda, I immediately thought about Lance Armstrong as well. Three kids via IVF, plus I believe his girlfriend is pregnant with a fourth kid who was conceived the old-fashioned way. funnybird, I know this doesn't take the sting out of things, though. Like Michelina said, it's perfectly right for you to grieve both your boy's cancer diagnosis and the change in your plans for a family.

zelda, glad to have you back. Sounds like an internet break was a good thing...I think we all need to step back from things every so often.

eyelet, great to hear from you! Please continue to pop in and let us know how motherhood is going...I'm sure you have very little time to do so, but we love whatever you can spare.

Love and good things to all....
(((((funnybird))))) I'm so sorry about Architect Boy's diagnosis, but I'm thrilled his prognosis is so good. You have every right to your emotions don't feel bad about sharing them with us or with Architect Boy. You will both be in my thoughts. Please do keep us up to date. We're definitely here for you.

IUI cycle is well underway. Tomorrow is day 7 when daily monitoring begins. I've got an insane amount of plans and work over the next three weeks (not to mention an incredible road trip coming up) so I am hoping this will keep my brain from going into obsessive-drive. When I was at the clinic on Wednesday the blood nurse asked me how many cycle's I'd done and she told me that after my sixth they usually re-evaluate and move on to something else. The something else would be IVF and we cannot afford it. I'd rather put $15,000 toward adoption and end up with a baby, rather than just roll the dice with IVF anyway. So ... the news that after this cycle I've got two chances left was kind of shitty but also kind of a relief. It means that by the end of this year we'll either be pregnant or planning for something else, which has definite appeal for me.

I'm glad you've got things to distract you with the IUI, Fookie...keep us posted. I've got a good feeling.

Funnybird, I'm just thinking of you tons. Tons and tons. I went back and reread your post, and it sounds like there might be a chance Architect Boy won't need chemo and radiation? Depending on what they find? When will you know this? Of course that would be the best outcome, but I still do believe that there will be a way for you two to get pregnant despite all this.

I had dinner with a friend last night...not a super close friend, but a woman I like very much, and I think we both want to develop a stronger friendship. We'd discussed babies before, and she revealed to me that she had a very early miscarriage in June. She'd known she was pregnant for a matter of days before it happened. Emotionally she said she was not attached to the idea of a baby, but physically it was quite painful. For a while there, they even thought she may have had an ectopic pregnancy because of the pain she was in. (It wasn't.) She's 34 and we have a lot in common, so we both just vented and discussed all the ups and downs of was a good, supportive night, and I'm glad I know her.

As for us, we had sex on CD 12, 14, and 16. I did no monitoring of any kind this month, so I don't know...I didn't even look at my cervical fluid. Mr. Z is calling the doctor Monday for the SA. I don't know. I'm so up and down over everything I don't know what to think.
Zelda, I'm so glad you have a friend you can connect with re: TTC. It's wonderful to have all the support here, but I sometimes really wish I had a friend in person in my situation, or who has struggled with TTC and can relate. The friends I mentioned who took a long time to get pregnant don't live in the same city, and I am not a phone person. Being able to got for dinner or a drink and chat about it now and then would be wonderful.

Fookie, I'm glad to hear you two are giving it another go with IUI. I hear you about the adoption vs IVF decision. At least with adoption, you are almost certainly going to get your baby. With IVF, it's another gamble. I waiver a lot between the two although we are not quite yet faced with that decision.

Funnybird, thinking of you.

I am at 11dpo and no spotting yet since 6dpo. I am not getting too excited as it is only 11dpo, but it's unlike me to go this long without any spotting. Of course now that I say that, I'll probably discover that my period is on its way. :-) Well, if nothing else, at least I am having a much healthier cycle than normal. Maybe the B6 is finally kicking in. My temp was still elevated today, but then again I had 2 glasses of wine last night so who knows if that was accurate. I will test tomorrow at 12dpo if no spotting shows up by then. I think that's reasonable as 12dpo would be considered *late* for me!
Fookie, I'm assuming IUI is not completely covered & there's some sort of out-of-pocket costs... so they may want to try IVF after another couple of months but if you want to continue IUI at a cost, I'm sure they won't stop you. I'm not sure where you live, but in the U.S., doctors will continue almost any treatment if you're willing to pay. I hear you on adoption... I told a good friend the other day that I was on month 4 of TTC & he told me I should go to the doctor! I swear some people are just ridiculous and I'm sick of talking to anyone about it if they're not TTC! Anyway, he then proceeded to tell me about a friend who went through IVF and now has twins, but I told him I wouldn't do it because of the cost & because there are so many babies who are out there in need of parents!

Zelda, I know you're so down about TTC... this is such a crazy process that I never anticipated! I heard some teen girls in the restroom at the movies last night talking about how one of them might be pregnant! I swear this world is just so unfair sometimes! Anyway, I'm really crossing my fingers for you! I can't believe you were so strong to not check your CM or do an OPK! I'm proud! wink.gif How great would it be if the one month of not checking your signs was the month for you guys?!! And I'm so glad you found a friend you can relate to & confide in!!

I'm on CD 9 and waiting til Monday for a week long of laborsome sex, geez that sounds awful! I'll do an OPK starting Tuesday just to see where I'm at. On a sidenote, fertility friend isn't as useful after the 30 day trial VIP membership because it stops giving me trends, predictions & estimates (I'm assuming it won't draw me a coverline when that comes time) unless I pay! I think I learned enough from it to figure out everything myself now, and I think it was 1 day off from my ovulation last month. Being the Excel nerd that I am, I put together my own chart so I can monitor my cycle by myself.

Funnybird, I hope you guys are doing ok!!!
Michelina, looks like we were posting at the same time... still no more spotting??? Ok, you can try to not get too excited but I will do it for you!!! This does not seem to me to be typical with your cycle so I'm really hopeful for you this month! Please post first thing tomorrow, I'm dying to hear good news!! smile.gif
Cristine, Fertility Friend will still draw your coverline and tell you your ovulation day even if you're on the free service. The thing they won't do is all that extra analysis and predicting your fertile days, predicting day of period, etc. You can still look at past charts on the free service too. If I remember correctly, the free service also will still give you the basic stats (average length of cycle, average luteal period, average ovulation day). I actually paid for a few months of the extra analysis but let my subscription run out (so it just reverted to the free subscription) and for me, the coverline and charting my temps for me was plenty. But hooray for Excel geeks nonetheless!

Michelina, crossing my fingers for you...glad to hear the spotting stopped.

Zelda, no matter what happens, I think it is good to take a slight break from the madness every so often. I'm also glad that you found a friend in real life (that is, in person) to share your TTC thoughts with. I think because things get to be so painful at times, it can be hard to open up about TTC and a lot of times folks are dealing with similar issues but don't know it.

Fookie, fingers crossed for you as well on the IUI. Glad to hear that you have some distractions.

I had a minor freakout yesterday afternoon, but I think all is well now (*crosses fingers*). I had just had lunch with friends, went to the bathroom and found a couple of spots of what I think was blood on my underwear. One of the friends with me was my preggo friend, who goes to the same OB/GYN, so she recommended I just call the office. Which I did, and since it wasn't much and I wasn't absolutely sure it was vaginal (after all, we are getting into hemorrhoid territory at this point in the pregnancy) the doc told me to just monitor the situation and to call if I got any more blood, which I did not. I didn't think I was such a worrywart before I got pregnant, but MAN do these little things throw me sometimes. I tried to concentrate on work but was preoccupied for awhile, so I went and laid down for about an hour (and rejoiced when baby got a number of kicks in...that always helps). I've been fine since, everything seems to be cool, but in thinking about it today, I realized that this whole worrying thing is never going to end. There are going to be times I worry in the midst of my pregnancy, and once he's delivered I get to worry about a whole new set of things. So I guess I'm going to have to chill out and once again accept my lack of control in the matter. ;-)

Otherwise, things are good here. mr. julie is away at a conference this week, so my wonderful friend J is coming by daily to clean the cat box for me. It's nice to have her company...I'm starting to sound like a crazy person talking to my stomach and the cat all day.

Julie, sounds like a scary experience. Glad to hear that it stopped right away. How are things now?

Cristine, I haven't used Fertility Friend so I have no insight to offer on that. Charting on your own is great, and for people like me, the benefit is that if you do need to get medical advice at some point, a lot of your work is already done!

Just a quick update. I had no spotting yesterday until late at night, and it was very minimal. I took my temp this morning and it was still elevated so I took a pregnancy test. Negative. I am almost certain I am not pregnant, but at least feel more positive about my luteal phase this month. I think the earliest I'll get my period will be tomorrow and that will be 13dpo. So woo hoo for that!

Mr. M and I chatted a lot about the whole TTC thing lately. He is pretty relaxed and positive still that it will happen, but I am getting awfully impatient. I have to remember the stat that it takes on average 7 - 10 months for a woman in her early 30's.

Yumyum, how long did it end up taking you?

This article references a book with the same stat about the 7 - 10 month TTC time and some other interesting stats.
Hello everyone!

Fookie- I'm so glad you're going ahead with the IUI. I also think keeping busy is the absolute best way to go. I'm sending good vibes your way.

zelda- It's so nice to hear that you've got someone you can commiserate about TTC with (in person). They seem to be hard to find (I know I was never able to find anyone who had any difficulty whatsoever)!

Michelina- My husband would say I got pregnant during the sixth cycle of trying. We "officially" started in February (with charting and planned out sex). However, January we had unprotected sex twice during a time where I was probably fertile. Also, last summer we tried for 2 or 3 cycles but stopped because I changed jobs. My OB said that she only counts consecutive cycles of TTC, but I feel like it would be dishonest to say it took six months without telling the full story. I've got my fingers crossed for you- it may be too early to get a positive.

cristine- that's one reason why we didn't really tell many people that we were trying- everyone has different opinions about what is normal or not, and it can just make you feel worse about things.

Julie- I would be freaked out too if I found blood. I still get moderately freaked when I get a bad cramp. I'm sure I will worry throughout my pregnancy (I'm a worry monger anyway, so no surprise there).

We are going on vacation tomorrow for a week. I'm looking forward to getting away. On the downside, I have been having morning sickness (but mine lasts all day) so that's no good. We're stocking up on ginger ale and other snacks that sound at least moderately appealing. Problem is, what sounds appealing changes every day. I'm hungry but nothing sounds very good and some things sound absolutely disgusting. It's pretty weird. The only thing I can think of right now that sounds like it might be good is a seven layer burrito from Taco Bell. I can't even tell you how many years it's been since I've had one of those- I wonder if they even have them anymore... Anyway, I'm unplugging for this trip, so I will check back in next week some time.
Julie, that would definitely cause concern to see spotting but I think everything is ok... I guess the worries never stop! Stress during TTC, then during pregnancy, then during the entire time of raising them! I think it's all worth the reward though! And I can't go back on fertility friend to see last month's chart with ALL of the data, I wish I would have known so I could have printed it out before the free trial expired!

Michelina, I really hope you don't start your're so far along in your LP that I'm still encouraged!

yum, only 4 friends know I'm TTC... I wish I wouldn't have told anyone though! That's great about your vacation but I'm sure the morning sickness sucks! I find that salty foods really help with regular non-pregnancy nausea, personally sunflower seeds are my favorite snack! And Taco Bell still serves the 7 layer burrito!!! I haven't had it in years because I try not to eat carbs like tortillas at lunch... and I usually cook dinner @ home every night.

I'm on CD 10 and we had sex last night just for fun. I don't think I'll ovulate til the end of the week & I'm going to start the OPK on Tuesday. I haven't taken my temp for 2 days cuz I woke up too late, but I'm sure I wouldn't ovulate this early!

Thanks for the concern - all is well so far, no further developments, so I think we're cool. Little boy is bouncing around a bit as I write this. (He was a little quiet earlier, but that was probably because I was running around trying to clean up a little bit this morning.)

I'm starting to agree with my friend E that maternity pants are the devil. Yes, sometimes they are very comfortable, but today I have had to constantly pull up my stupid maternity jeans. Blerg. Oh, and now that fall is coming I find myself looking longingly at fall clothes that I will not be able to wear until at least next year. That whole Mad Men vintage vibe I love does not work on a preggo belly. Hmm, maybe Betty Draper will have some inspirational maternity clothes on tonight.

yumyum, I am almost certain that you can still get a seven layer burrito at Taco Bell. Have fun on your trip, and good luck with the food thing. I was lucky enough to skip the nausea thing in the first trimester (although my preggo friend tells me that sometimes it comes BACK in the 3rd trimester, so I'm not out of the woods yet) but most women I know did well with lemonade and crackers with cheese or peanut butter. I do think it's different for everyone, though.

Michelina, glad to hear that your luteal phase is holding out until 13 DPO...that's a good sign. It will be interesting to hear what your referral doc says about the spotting in between.

Okay, gotta run...picking up mr. julie from the airport in a bit. Hope y'all are well...keeping you in my thoughts!
Just a quick update. I got my period. :-( Had a good cry and am ready to move on to the next month.

Julie, I agree - it will be interesting to hear what the gynecologist says about that 6dpo spotting. And I'm glad to hear you are doing well.
yumyum - if you do actually start vomiting DON'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTERWARDS! I did and I've ended up with a whole lot of enamel damage and decay because the acid from throwing up softened my teeth so much that bushing led to hole which led to three damn fillings this morning and drooling on the CuddleMonster when I hugged her because most of my face was numb. My dentist said just rinse your mouth with water (warm and salty if you need something a bit more than just the plain water) if you can, otherwise a non-alcoholic mouthwash - I asked because the gall bladder thing is making me throw up if I eat too much fat. Damn krispy kremes.

I'm so pissed off that pregnancy has had all these delayed problems for me - I'm dreading my month-late six week check.

Apart from all that, we're going well here! CuddleMonster is in the 75th percentile now which is awesome (the nurse charted her growth and you can see the underweight premmie for the first month then BAM big ole fattie baby!). She's gabbling a lot and feeding heaps and loving the massive amount of spoils from my parents who are visiting.
Thank you all so much for your support and wise words. I was hesitant about posting because I was worried about derailing the thread.

I have good moments and not-so-good ones. Right now Iím generally okay, just the pregnant sister-in-law thing really threw me Ė mostly guilt at my own reaction. As I said, I love her and her boyfriend to bits and under other circumstances Iíd have been jumping round the room whooping with excitement for them, but with everything thatís happening now plus the miscarriage at Easter I just felt as if it was easy for everyone else to get pregnant and stay pregnant but me (not true, I know) Ė like I was such a failure compared to her.

In my good moments Iím just grateful that Architect Boyís chances are so good, that he doesnít feel ill or in pain (just sore after his surgery) and that our families and friends are being so supportive. Things are still fairly uncertain right now. Weíre hoping to hear the histology results on Wednesday, so we will know then if he needs further treatment. In the best case scenario, the operation will have removed all of the cancer and he wonít need any chemo or radiotherapy, just close monitoring for the next 10 years. However, they may decide to give him some anyway to be certain that it doesnít come back. I guess thereís no point worrying about the fertility issue until we know for sure. We moved house last week (great timing, I know!) which was horribly stressful but has actually provided a welcome distraction. Weíre living amongst half-unpacked boxes and climbing over piles of stuff to get from one room to another. Fun!

Itís also nice to come here and read all of your news. Michelina, and sorry to hear about your period, but the 13-day luteal phase sounds good - well done to you and your uterus! That should be plenty of time for a little embryo to get itself comfortably implanted.

Zelda, Iím glad you found someone to talk in Ďreal lifeí and that Mr. Z is going for his SA. Architect Boy has provided his first sample for freezing, so they can both join that exclusive club of Bustie husbands and boyfriends whoíve wanked into a cup in the name of baby-making.

Julie, your experience sounds scary, but itís great that you felt the little guy moving afterwards. It must be so lovely to feel him bouncing around in there. Are you showing much yet?

Yum yum, enjoy your vacation. I have no idea what a seven layer burrito is, but they sound great!

Ananke, ďbig ole fattie babiesĒ are my favourite sort. Happy to hear that sheís doing so well.
Michelina, I am so sorry to the hear the news!! Whatís going on with the referral for any tests your doctor is considering for you?

Funny, Taco Bellís 7-layer burrito is a vegetarian burrito with rice, beans, cheese, quacamole, tomatoes, lettuce & sour creamÖ they are delicious & now Iím really craving one!

Itís CD 11 and I think Iím ready to get down to business this week, Iím buying an OPK tomorrowÖ weíll see!
OMG, Julie, I am a HUGE Mad Men fan and was instantly craving Betty Draper's maternity top in the last scene...and I'm not even PG yet. I've even Googled "vintage maternity" to see what's out there. I love vintage stuff from that era. Wasn't the premiere soooo good?

Michelina, I'm sorry to hear about your period, but glad your LP hung in there! Perhaps the supplements you are taking have made a difference?

Funny, thanks for the update. I've been thinking about you. I'm crossing my fingers for the best possible scenario - that Architect Boy doesn't need chemo. By the way, I read recently that Lance Armstrong's latest child (just born) was conceived naturally...and he had a ton of chemo after his testicular cancer. Just wanted to share that good news. I am pulling for you as is everyone else on this thread, so please don't ever think you are "derailing"'re part of this community and we want to hear how you are.

As for me, Mr. Z made an appointment today for next Wednesday. The urologist requires a consultation first. I wish he had called last week so he could have had the appointment for this week, but at least now he has the appointment. Once the consultation is done, the SA part should be pretty simple.

I'm at CD 20 and no mom called me today to tell me she had gone to her GYN for her annual exam and asked the doctor about me. My mom asked her advice, and the doctor relayed to me (via my mom) that 7 months is not anything to worry about, but it's also perfectly okay to want to do some basic checks. She also told my mom it's great that I have regular cycles and have no risk factors like childhood appendicitis and such.

Do you think it's crazy to want to wait for Mr. Z's SA results before I go in for anything myself? If my cycles were irregular or I was having any weird symptoms...but I guess...not to be presumptuous, but I guess I feel pretty confident that things are okay down there...but maybe those could be my famous last words. I'm just trying to decide if I should go to the doctor right now too or just wait for the SA results first. I suppose if I had the results and they were normal that could push my doctor to really check everything on me.

Cristine, good luck doin' the dirty dirty!
zelda, I loved the Mad Men season premiere. I want to be Sal Romano's hag. And I especially loved Betty Draper's nightgown in the first scene. I have a thing for vintage clothes...I just love that whole look.

And re: all things TTC, I don't think it's crazy at all for you to wait for the results of the SA before going in for further tests. I think either way it makes sense - it just depends on what works for you. You may feel more like you want to get the testing show on the road and start doing everything at once, or you may feel like taking it one test at a time.

funny, glad to hear an update from you. Honestly, I would have been worried if you HADN'T had that kind of reaction to hearing your sister-in-law's news. Of course you're thrilled for her, but to have this come on the heels of such tough news for you guys...of course it's bittersweet. Hang in there, sweetie, I know you're trying to be there for Architect Boy and I know it's tough when you have your own losses to grieve. Like zelda said, you're part of this community and we want to keep hearing how you're doing.

ananke, loved the baby update! I love it when they chub's sooo cute. Sounds like things are going well!

Went to the dentist today, which I was dreading because I generally have good teeth and crappy gums, and pregnancy isn't known for being kind to the gums. So I was all braced for a reprimand, only to be told that considering that I'm pregnant, my teeth and gums look great. They're still puffy and bleeding, but that's the usual side effect and can't really be helped. Then the dentist (who also treats mr. julie) came in to check me and kept raving about how excited mr. julie is about the baby and how cute he is. I believe her exact words were, "You'd think he was the first guy to ever make a baby."

Honestly, if you'd told me 10 months ago that people would be saying these kinds of things to me about mr. julie, I wouldn't have believed you. For him, having a kid was always for the "someday" file, and frankly (I think because of his own crummy non-relationship with his father) he was scared shitless of going for it. I always figured he'd sort of tolerate the pregnancy part and then fall in love with the kid after he was born, but I never expected him to be so gaga and cute over the whole thing during the pregnancy. I'll try to remember all these happy glowy things months from now when he sleeps through late night diaper changes and such and I'm tempted to kill him.
Zelda, I think I would chose to wait to have any tests done on myself until after the Mr.ís SAÖ just because his is so easy and quick! Then if his results came back good, Iíd get any & all tests that are available to me! So no I donít think itís crazy for you to wait. And we got in some dirty dirty last night! wink.gif My temp dropped pretty low today on CD12, way too early for me to ovulate as far as Iím concerned, but Iím going to start the OPK todayÖ and I usually get sharp ovulation pains so weíll see if I feel anything today, I hope not.

Ananke & Julie, I never knew there were teeth and/or gum issues during pregnancyÖ oh all the wonderful things to look forward to.

Julie, I hear you on the Mr. being excited. My husband has also been of the ďsomedayĒ mindset, I never thought heíd ever get into the TTC mode so Iím incredibly stunned at how heís jumped completely on board. Every month he tells me ďOh Iím GETTING you pregnant!!Ē, which I know is probably partially a pride thing but itís still completely different than what I had expected of him. I know heíll fall in love with the kiddo when he is born, but I am so excited to see how he is during pregnancy. (Hmmm, I said he and not sheÖ interesting.) FYI, Mr. C has NEVER changed a diaper in his life! I have kindly informed him that will change soon!!

Julie, I really hope Mr. Z acts just like Mr. Julie because I have always thought he would be more along the lines of "eh" about the pregnancy and more excited about the I hope he reacts just as you described. That is so cute. Glad your teeth are okay.

I totally want to hang out with Sal. And if I were into dating women, it would be Joan. Va va va voom! She is gorgeous. And what about Pete's wife's hat in the last few scenes? Okay, okay...we've got to take this over to the Mad Men thread (I think it exists).

Christine, good luck with the OPKs...I didn't use them this cycle because I was all discombobulated from vacation, so I didn't get the chance. I hope we timed it right anyway.

Speaking of, it's CD 21 and I have to say my boobs started hurting last night. They are sore when I cross my arms, and last night they felt sore just me lying in bed. I think I'm 7 dpo, so it really may be too early, and I may just be imagining things, but it is a little odd. Oh I hope hope hope this will be our month. Mr. Z's SA consultation is scheduled for my CD would be so awesome if I were pregnant and he didn't even have to go! Hope hope hoping against hope!
Zelda I am really hoping for you too!!! And I'm glad your boobs are sore... what a strange thing to say! Anyway I hope it's a symptom!!
Sore boobs are definitely a symptom, but I want to reiterate that they are barely sore...just a touch. And my nipples were itchy. Again, I could totally be making this up.

The other thing that's different this month is usually a few days after I ovulate, I have a day of very heavy, creamy CM. I didn't have that this month. I don't think that means one thing or another, but I did notice it.
So great to read all your news. There's lots going on!

Today I am 10 weeks pregnant. This is the day of my pregnancy on which I miscarried last time. I've had a nervous couple of days and I've been working hard to focus on visualisng big pregnant bellies and the continuation of this pregnancy, rather than dwell on frequent memories of the awfulness that finished the last one. My hubby quoted from The Fellowship of the Ring movie before we went to sleep last night - Sam: "If I take one more step, it will be the farthest from home I've ever been." (This was very endearing of him!).

I'm very relieved that I've made it to here. Now the next milestone is the scan in a fortnight. Once that heartbeat is confirmed and I'm past the first trimester, I'll feel so much better.

I'm hoping with you zelda.
Michelina, glad your LP seems to be lengthening.
Fookie, all the best for the IUI this time. Don't work too hard.
go for gold this month cristine
julie, your experience sounds SCARY but I'm so glad that all seems well., Baby's movements must be very reassuring.

Sounds like I am missing out on the Mad Men front. I've never heard of it! Must look into.
Ellen, glad to hear from you! I'm glad to hear all is going well. I can imagine why you have anxiety at this time, but chance is definitely on your side. I have a very good feeling for you!

Zelda, I am happy to hear your mom asked her doctor about 7 months. This month has really been tough for me. I cried multiple times - sometimes an outright sob. I have moments of wanting to take a break, but then I remember that this is not that long in the grand scheme. I am hoping for you! I also would likely wait until after the SA results for tests, but maybe book an appointment to chat with your doctor about them now. That way you partially have things going by the time the results are back.

Cristine, hope you are enjoying this time! ;-)

Julie, your story about your husband at the dentist made me smile.

Funnybird, I hope you will not worry about derailing. I hope you continue to come here as a place to share and vent.
Ellen, Iíve never heard of Mad Men either but it sounds interesting! So your scan is in 2 weeks?? I know this must be hard to wait, but it seems like youíre doing great! And that statement from your hubby is really cute!

Iím on CD 13, we got 2 productive days in so far, I really donít want to take a break and skip days though because my cycles have been all over the place! I started the OPK yesterday and I really wasnít planning on getting the digital ones, but to my luck they had a ClearBlue on clearance because the sell-by date is in October, though Iím sure Iíll use them all up well before then! wink.gif I was so relieved to see that the lack of LH Surge is not a frowny face but simply a blank circleÖ of which Iíve had 2! Iím fine with that cuz I want to get at least another 2 days in. And I am really trying to remember to have funÖ itís just not always that easy.

Zelda, howís it going?

Cristine, I used the Clear Blue digital, and I do want to offer one warning. The first month I used it, I never got a positive read, and I am almost sure I was ovulating because all the signs were there. The problem is I was using urine that was too diluted. Because it is an all-or-nothing read, you need really concentrated urine to have enough of the LH show up to get the smiley face.

Just an FYI.

I'm tired today, but that could just be the fact that I've been getting back to work after a summer off. I still feel like my boobs are slightly tender, but really only slightly. I'm just feeling like this is going to be another bust. I'm really beginning to have a gut sense that we may be one of those couples that needs extra help. I don't know why.

Michelina, glad my mom's doctor's words were able to make you feel better. Another thing she said that made me feel better is that technology is such that an overwhelming number of couples with infertility are eventually able to conceive - of course that means IVF, and I, like Fookie, am not sure I would ever want to go that route. I hope you're hanging in least you have Mr. M's great SA results to smile about...and a nice long LP!
Zelda, in regard to the OPK I waited about 2-1/2 hours to pee yesterday and today I was able to hold out for almost 4 hours... and I'm of course drinking very little & using afternoon urine. Seriously I don't tell these kind of details to even my best friend and certainly not Mr. C, he's on board with TTC but I think he would go nuts everyday hearing about my CM & temps!!

Oh speaking of, he accidentally said just about the worst thing last night! I did the OPK last month too but didn't really give him the daily results, he just knew when to let me jump on him no matter how tired he was. So last night I was so excited about the discounted digital OPK that I told him all about it and told him I was going to test, so of course he asked afterwards to which I simply replied "not yet". Ok, he prides himself on knowing more than I did about reproduction (because his school had sex ed & mine didn't) but he didn't know that sperm can live up to 5 days & now the thoughtless remark... when I said later "ok let's have sex now", his confused response was "but you're not fertile". I did not overreact to his poor choice of words so that I first could explain to him the life of sperm and the life of an egg and then I followed up with telling him that those are about the worst choice of words a man can ever say to his wife when TTC. He realized then how it sounded, and of course didn't mean it that way, but he just didn't understand the OPK or the whole sperm thing.

Just had to share that with you guys, I almost forgot so I guess that's a good thing! Anyway, thanks for the advice Zelda. I'm not relying too heavily on it, especially after I had the strongest LH surge the day after ovulation last month!
Ellen, that's good news. I hope the next two weeks go lightening-fast for you, and before you know it you'll be at the doctor's hearing that heartbeat and seeing your little bean for the first time.

We heard the histology results yesterday. The good news is that Architect Boyís hormone levels indicate that the surgery was a success and the cancer is gone. The bad news is that he will need 12 weeks of chemotherapy to make sure it doesnít come back. So itís goodbye to fertility, and hello to vomiting, exhaustion, hair-loss and all the other horrible shit that chemo brings.

We were hanging on to the vague hope of me being pregnant this month (we gave it our best try under the circumstances), but my temperature dropped this morning. I cried in front of him and then felt like shit for doing so because the last thing he needs is me cracking-up on him. I know Iím being a crazy obsessive freak about this because people keep saying things like ďoh well, thereís 50 percent chance his fertility may return in a couple of yearsĒ, and right now I donít find that particularly comforting. Itís too long to wait and the odds are too low.

Iím sorry for the self-pity binge. Iím trying hard to be positive. Heís going to be fine, after all. I guess I need some time to adjust to our new circumstances
Funny, Iím so sorry!! Sometimes life just sucks! My 36 year-old mom died of breast cancer when I was 14 years old and seeing her go through chemo was about the worst time in my life, so I kind of understand what you must be going through. The good thing is that you guys caught it so early, my mom had shitty doctors (gotta love the U.S. healthcare system!) and they waited forever to do a biopsy on herÖ at that point it was too late and I think the chemo & radiation, following the mastectomy, was just a formality. Itís almost going to be impossible for you to be positive all the time, this is a really crappy thing to happen to you guys!! Weíre all here for you and I really hope you do end up pregnant this month. I know your temperature is discouraging for you but 1 dayís temp doesnít necessarily mean youíre not pregnant, I read up a bunch on that last month but unfortunately for me I wasnít pregnantÖ but I read a womanís story in which she just knew she was pregnant but had a temp drop and sure enough it shot back up the next day & remained elevated. I canít remember, how old are you? I really donít think youíll have to wait a couple years though, it varies from person to person in the situation that your husband is in. Plus, you guys put some sperm aside correct? So if I were in your situation I would just continue to have sex anytime heís up for it and if a year goes by, consider using his frozen guys. I know this situation isnít ideal for you but it can still work, so donít lose all hope!!

So an update on me, my temp dropped dramatically today on CD14 so Iím hoping I ovulate today. Weíll see what the OPK predicts for me today and what my temp is tomorrow. I've got lots of CF today but no real EW to speak of this month. Just waiting for some ovulation pains! We got another productive day in yesterday and I plan on it again tonight, I'm feeling quite ambitious & desperate this month!!

Zelda, any more symptoms??
Funny, I'm sorry about the chemo. That sucks. We're here for you, there's a very, very strong chance you will still get pregnant, but sucks and there's no two ways about it. Please don't beat yourself up for crying in front of Architect Boy. You need to be need to allow yourself to be sad just as he is sad. Try to make time for yourself, try to arrange time for friends. But (in my humble opinion), you need to treat Architect Boy like the loving partner he has always been - and that means going to him for support when you are down. I've known people who have battled cancer, and the bottom line is they want to be treated like whole people. I know it's hard when you're worrying about his health, but ultimately in the middle of all of this you want to lean on each other - even though AB is the one who is sick.

Thinking of you big time.

Ellen, I am sure it is scary to cross this window - but exhilarating as well! Congrats to you and I cannot wait to hear more about the bean!

Cristine, sorry about Mr. C's weird making sex can make everything weird and crazy. Just try to hang in there and keep communicating. And try not to take things too personally. There's a great chapter in Taking Charge of Your Fertility about Babymaking versus Lovemaking that may be worth checking out. Good luck this month!

As for me, I continue to be hopeful in the face of negative thoughts. I had a lot of creamy CM today, and I am around 8 or 9 dpo. Usually I get creamy CM around 3 or 4 dpo. I've read creamy CM later in the cycle is a good sign. I still feel like my breasts and nipples are slightly tender and sensitive, but it could be my imagination. On the downside, I had diarrhea this morning which is usually a sign of a progesterone increase and my impending period. Once again I am torn between being hopeful and also thinking this month is yet again another bust.

At least Mr. Z has his appointment and soon we will know half of the equation.
(funnygirl) I'm thankful that the surgery was a success, but sorry that AB still has to go through chemo. That sucks. zelda's right, he needs you to continue being you during this time (which means leaning on each other for support, like she said). The baby thing is going to happen for you, though I know it's so hard to have to wait. But you are absolutely right to not be comforted by the prospect of having a baby "in a few years." I'm not worried about you having your priorities in order - you clearly are putting AB and his health first - but this situation hurts you too and there's honestly nothing folks can say that is going to help. So grieve when you need to, just try not to beat yourself up for taking care of your feelings too.

It's going to happen, it's going to happen. I feel like I should be giving that as a mantra to all the TTC'ers on the thread. It's going to happen. It might not happen when and the way you want, but it's going to happen.

zelda, keep hope alive. We'll just see what happens...the diarrhea could mean impending period (I always used to get that the first days of my period too) or it could mean nothing (I got it a couple times early in my pregnancy too, which was kind of interesting because I was expecting to be constipated instead...which came later). Thinking about you...

ellen, congrats on making it to the 10 week mark...thinking good thoughts for you and the little bean. I'm sorry you have to wait two weeks for the scan, but making it to 10 weeks is great! The longer you go, the smaller that risk of miscarriage gets. Enjoy the bean....before you know it you'll be in the second trimester.

Michelina, hope you are doing OK.

Cristine, glad the boy's poorly-worded comments rolled off your back! Sounds like you are having fun making a baby, which is great. And yeah, sometimes boys have no concept of how something sounds on the other side of things.

We are doing pretty well here. Little dude is still bouncing around at various times of the day. Sometimes I feel him a little higher now, though he still seems to like to hang out down in my pelvic area. Someone asked awhile back how much I'm showing...honestly, I don't have a good sense. People who know me know that I definitely am showing quite a bit but then sometimes I'll go somewhere and I can tell that people can't quite tell whether I'm expecting or just have a pooch. Actually, the ladies in my knitting class could tell, but not until I stood up at the end of class. Maybe it's the classic having-a-boy-so-I'm-carrying-low thing.

Today I totally fell off the healthy eating wagon. I started out so well at breakfast...and then I was coming back from an appointment at lunchtime and answered the siren song of the drive-thru, then this afternoon decided I needed some junk food while I was writing a grant proposal for a client. I'm craving nothing but crap lately. Last night I was reading Jezebel and someone posted a picture of a cake and I thought, "Mmm, I want CAKE!" I managed to resist as cake would have entailed going to the store. I still kind of want cake, though. Like really moist, white wedding-like cake with a little bit of frosting.

Oh yeah, I feel like I should add one little caveat on my earlier mr. julie story....yes, he is being super cute these days, but he didn't do that the instant I got pregnant. It was good that I wasn't expecting a big excited reaction from him, because when I showed him the pregnancy test all he said was, "Well, that was fast." And he was kind of freaked out for a few weeks, I could tell. He didn't really talk about it. I just kind of left him alone with it and then pretty soon after the first appointment (when he saw the first scan on the ultrasound) he started getting more into it. The latest thing that made me go, "Aww" was that when he went out of town, I found out that he brought one of the baby books (actually, I think it was the Dr. Sears one called "The Baby Book") with him and was reading it on the plane. He told me that he had started reading the breastfeeding chapter and then thought maybe it was weird for him to be reading that one in public, so he switched to another chapter.
(((Funny))) I am sorry that chemo is required and am glad to hear that the surgery was successful. You both have been through so much. Zelda is right, you need to be able to lean on each other for support. Pretending you don't need his support will only create distance between you. It sounds like you have a strong partnership and you will get through this. All you can do now is hope because everything else is out of your hands. You are justified in being frustrated with people who try to reassure you with the 50% odds in two years quote.

Zelda, I am really, really hoping for you. It will be a relief to get the SA done if this isn't your month. I felt so much more postive after Mr. M's results. Of course this last month was awful, but that was because I got so excited (even though I knew better!) about the 6dpo possible implantation bleeding. I am trying to also focus on the wonders of modern medicine, and the fact that success rates just keep improving.

Cristine, have you ovulated yet? In the beginning I was finding charting kind of fun, but now I am getting frustrated by it. I thought about not bothering this month with temps and strips, but considering I'll be seeing a gynecologist soon, I should probably continue as I know she'll want to see those charts.

Julie, Mr. J sounds so sweet. It's adorable that he bought that book. Keep those stories coming. They give me warm fuzzies. :-)
Zelda, I actually barely glanced at that chapter of TCOYF because I was thinking ďOh thatís not a problem for us!ĒÖ I guess I should take another look. I think if Iím not pregnant this month we should probably take it a little slower next month. Iím on CD 15 and weíve had 4 productive days, yet since I have had 3 negative OPKís I want to keep goingÖ Iím really nervous about missing the most fertile days again! Iím still crossing my fingers for you, the CM sounds like a good sign especially if that is not typical for you this late in your LP!

Julie, that is so cute that he bought that book for his trip! Mr. C only reads the newspaper and business magazines so when it comes to books, if itís not on tape then heíll never know whatís in it!! And I think when I show him a positive pregnancy test heís just going to sigh in relief at being able stop TTC and just start having sex again! Anyway, I love to hear you describe your little bean bouncing around! It just puts a smile on my face and gets me so excited! And please go have a piece of cake this weekend!! wink.gif

Michelina, my temp (Fahrenheit) dropped dramatically yesterday from 97.17 to 96.34 so I really thought I was going to ovulate yesterdayÖ I kept waiting & waiting for the ovulation pains, but nothing. Then today it went down a bit more to 96.24 which now makes me think Iíll ovulate today, I really hope so cuz we both need a break from sexÖ which I find funny because Mr. C always acts like he could never tire of sex, well I have definitely set him to the challenge these last 4 months!! And yes the fun in charting has definitely gone away, but I still like to see my graph change daily so thatís my incentive to keep tempingÖ so why not enter the rest of my data while Iím at it?! rolleyes.gif My CM has been a poor indicator this month as it has been the same exact consistency every day, but yesterday and today have been intermittently heavier so thatís been my only sign of impending ovulation. I know you're sick of charting but I think you should keep it up at least until you see your gyno, I think it would be very helpful information for your appointment.
UPDATE... I believe I'm having ovulation pains!! smile.gif
ANOTHER UPDATE... LH SURGE!! I just took a picture of the smiley face! rolleyes.gif
Cristine, I remember when I finally got that damn smiley face, I was so excited, too! Good luck with the baby making!

Michelina, I agree with Cristine that temping may be good to show the GYN although you certainly have been doing it long enough to show her/him what your average cycle looks like. I'm actually thinking about trying temping next month if this month doesn't work out. Lately (and with school starting up again), my sleep schedule seems to be more regulated, so it may be worth it. We'll see how I feel.

As for me, I don't really have any symptoms. I was constipated this morning and then had diarrhea later (TMI), so who knows what that means. I feel like my breasts feel achy and itchy at the end of the day, but not the beginning. The soreness comes and goes...I had a little creamy CM today, but not much.

I was talking to a pregnant coworker today, and she said the only sign she had was that she felt grouchy.

I'm still hopeful, but my gut tells me no. I hope I'm wrong, of course, but for some reason, my gut is telling me that we are going to need intervention of some kind. I don't know why. I'm not *trying* to be defeatist...but my gut is saying that, and usually my gut is right. I don't know.

Sigh....well, I'll know in a few days. Today is CD 24. I should know by 28 or 29. I'm resisting the urge to test early. Last month when I tested, I was SO heartbroken. It really is much worse to stare at that negative PG test than to get your period. At least for me.
Hi everyone.

Christine, I laughed out loud when I read that you took a picture of the smiley face. Ha ha. Did you ever think your life would end up revolving around lines on a stick? Or smiley faces on a stick. Ha ha. Well, I'm thrilled you got your surge, now just have all kinds of crazy chandelier swinging "dirty dirty". Good luck.

Zelda, I hope your gut is just protecting you and that you see those double lines in a few days. A few posts ago, you mentioned going forward with tests for yourself before getting Mr. Z's results. I don't think there's anything wrong with being proactive, but if your doctors are anything like Canadian docs, they won't start putting you through your paces until they see Mr. Z's results. So go ahead and book the appointment to get things going, but maybe try to book it so it coincides with his results? That way you won't be put in a holding pattern if your docs want to wait for his SA results. I am holding out HUGE hopes for you that this will be your month and you won't even have to think about any of this. The odds really are on your side that this will work out without intervention. And of course if intervention becomes necessary, there really are some incredible things being done out there.

Funny, I was so glad to read that Mr. F's surgery went well. I think that like everyone else said, you should own your emotions in this process and not worry about being Mr. F's never-faltering rock. I know that in terms of my struggle with infertility (and I know that this is a very different situation in medical/life impact terms) it really helps me to see Mr. F get emotional now and then. I need to see that I'm not the only one who falls apart every now and then. And of course you're always welcome to share it all with us on the board.

Julie, I love the book story about Mr. J. It's so sweet and touching.

As for me ... I have been waiting until the end of the workweek to post b/c I haven't had time to let myself have a good cry yet and I knew the second I started typing about this, the floodgates would open. From Sunday-Wednesday of this week I had my regular cycling appointments at the clinic (blood and internal ultrasound to monitor my cycle and follicle size). Each day when I got the results, they told me I was responding so well blah blah blah. But the measurements did not sound right to me, compared to where I was in previous cycles on the same days. I asked on two different days if they were sure my follicles were growing fast enough, and was reassured that everything was great. Well, sure enough I got a call on Wednesday afternoon telling me I was surging and to hurry back in for my HCG shot (to ensure ovulation within the next 36-48 hours) and to schedule my IUIs. When I got there, I asked again if this all looked ok to them b/c that morning they had told me my largest follicles were 1.6 cm (you need at least 1.8 for this type of cycle). The nurse said "yeah, and you're the one that had some shrink, even" ... as you can imagine, I was not at all pleased to hear this then and from her. So I questioned the point of even going through with the IUIs and she told me that since I'd invested the time and money into the meds I should do it anyway, allowing for the possibility of error in the measurements. As we were talking she received a call back from my doc (she had called her b/c she felt it was weird the on-call doc was ordering me to go through with the IUI) and my doc agreed with my assessment and said we should cancel the cycle and do timed intercourse just in case.

So I'm so mad and frustrated. Out of the four cycles I've had so far, I feel that only two have been handled properly and are worth counting. I can't imagine that it's my job to be monitoring my follicle size and comparing it to previous months and sounding an alarm... I feel so friggin mis-handled and betrayed by this. The other shitty cycle was the one where no one thought to put me on progesterone after I ovulated 6 eggs ... and I got my period 7 days after ovulation. I have an "update" appointment with my doc on Wednesday. She's never on-call so I haven't seen her since my initial appointment. I'm going into this meeting knowing that she's going to be pushing me to do the laparoscopy that I don't think I need and am convinced will somehow kill me ... and I'm going into this knowing that I'm going to have to mention the fact that I think the on-call staff is clueless about my actual file. I'm totally dreading it. And although Mr. F. says he supports my decision not to do the laparoscopy, I can tell that down deep he thinks that this might just be the magic trick we need to get me pregnant.

I'm not actually crying. I'm kind of shocked. I've been holding back tears since Wednesday and somehow they've disappeared. Hmmm. Maybe I'm finally losing it for real.

Anyway, that's that. I'm sorry I don't have better news or more optimistic thoughts to post. Tomorrow I'm going on a picnic. I will eat baguette and patť until I explode. Then will go for a nice swim.
(((Fookie))). Pardon me but FUCK!!! Hearing your experience made me so angry. I think its pathetic that you're the one monitoring the follicle sizes, asking questions REPEATEDLY, being given misinformation and getting right to the point of HCG injection and IUI to then have to turn around and not go through with it.
Nothing angers me more than paying people to do a job that I have to then coach them through because they don't have the intelligence or initiative to make things work.
Are there any other options in terms of clinics you can be referred to? Your doctor doesn't sound like she's all that in tune with who you are and what you want either (is that too harsh? sorry) but finding another one would feel like starting from scratch.
I hope your picnic helps you feel better. That sounds so trite. I hope your picnic helps you figure out how you're feeling and what you should do next.

(((funnybird))) so much wisdsom in posts below. I can't offer any more than those who've gone before me. I'm thinking of you heaps and hoping you're both doing OK.

Good to hear, Cristine. Go nuts.

Zelda, body chemicals are funny things. I hope the signs are good and that this is your month. BUT if it's not, you've again got a positive from the universe in the form of the SA about to reveal information you must be dying to find out about.
Oh, Fooks....Fookie, I always want to refer to you as Fooks. :-) I echo everything Ellen said. She's right! I was thinking you should go to another clinic, but I imagine you'd have to start over once again with tests and info? And that's more hassle than it's worth. I think I was reading somewhere (Urban Baby?) a woman's posting about how her fertility clinic literally felt like she was on a factory line. The workers were so accustomed to shots, ultrasounds, injections, etc. they forgot she was a human being. In the end, she got pregnant, but I think that must be (unfortunately) a common experience. Still - it is outrageous they would make a mistake. Do you have to pay for this cycle? Thinking of you and encouraging you to blow off your frustration however you see fit.

I had a sleeping experience last night that Freud would have had a field day with. In the first part of my dream, I was in my kitchen, and a little toddler (girl) came running in the backdoor from the backyard. She was all sweaty from playing, so I scooped her up, took her to the bathroom, washed her face with a washcloth, and brushed her hair. It was a *wonderful* dream - and she had dark hair like Mr. Z. Then I had a second dream that involved my mother telling me that I should have never stopped going to Mass and I can't ask God for things anymore since I'm no longer a practicing Catholic. Now my mother *is* hurt that I'm not a practicing Catholic (or anything), anymore, but she would never say or do anything like that! Well, in the dream I started screaming at the top of my lungs at my mother.

The dream shook me so much I woke up short of breath - like I was having a panic attack in the middle of the night. I used to suffer from panic attacks in college, and I was able to control my breathing and relax and now I'm fine - just a little out of sorts. But tell me - is that not the strangest combination of motherhood images and emotions in one night???

Of course I immediately began hoping it was a sign of pregnancy.

I had creamy CM this morning and am hoping it's a good sign.
Aw Zelda and Ellen ... thank you. I can honestly feel your indignation (and hugs) through the computer. Thank you. This is my second clinic, so you can understand my reluctance to start all over again. The first clinic was total assembly line. This clinic is much better in that sense, but I do think they take on far too many clients at once. I don't have quite the herded cattle feeling I had at the other one, but I can't imagine how they can keep track of so many patients at once. It's mind boggling. Another problem is that this and the first clinic are the two closest to me (still a 30 minute drive each way). If I were to abandon ship and go elsewhere, I'd be looking at probably about 1.5 hours each way to make it into the downtown of Toronto during rush hour. I just can't even imagine how I'd get that okayed at work. Gahhhhhhhhhh. I'm so frustrated. And yes I did pay for this cycle (thankfully not for any IUIs, and I do get reimbursed 85% of the meds ... that's still about 300 out of pocket for me and they want me on the progesterone just in case I get lucky and that $150 is not covered at all. So it sucks, but not as much as it could have sucked.

I do meet with my actual endocrinologist/fertility spec. on Wednesday. I have not seen her since my initial meeting last January. It will be good to re-evaluate things, but as I've mentioned before, as far as I'm aware my next step is IVF and we can't afford to go there. THOUGH ... it occurred to me the other day that the meds are essentially the same as for IUI. So maybe I'm not looking at $15,000, but just the cost of the actual egg retrieval etc. It's the meds that are the doozie... I will ask about that on Wednesday. See if I can get a clear cost picture of what IVF would look like for us. I'm very curious to at least know if Mr. F's sperm and my eggs are compatible. If it cost us $5,000 to find out that it will never work for us, I almost feel like it would be money well spent. Then we could truly just move on. And if low and behold it resulted in a pregnancy then it would be the best $5,000 I'd ever spend in my life.

Zelda, that dream sounds beautiful (well the first part anyway ... the second part reminds me of the kinds of dreams I often have that involve my mother and sister). It's amazing what a good dream can do for the soul. Two weeks ago, I had a dream that my maternal grandfather was alive. I was the age I was now, but had just finished having the converation I had with my mom when I was 12 and she explaned that because of grampy's chemo (prostate) he was too weak for us to jump in his arms anymore. So adult me, gave him a gentle hug when he walked into the room, but he hugged me so hard and picked me up and twirled me, twice. I woke up from that dream with the most incredible sense of happiness. A few days later, I dreamt that he was driving me somewhere. I can't even write this without crying (happy crying). I haven't dreamnt of him in years. He lived a long life past the prostate cancer, but he's been gone for about 15 years. He was a true gentle giant of a man, and I think is the example I looked for in my life partner. And sure enough Mr. F's strength is in his gentleness ... and he's got the same birthday as my gramps ... and I was born on the same date as my grandmother ... how's that for twilight zone? Anyway, this is rambling, but all this to say that I totally believe that dreams tell us things and I hope yours is foreshadowing some wonderful news. I'm convinced my dreams were my grandfather (whose motto was "you've gotta have faith") lifting me up and taking me where I need to go. So I have faith.
I'm feeling really down right now...I don't want to sound so sorry for myself, but I just do. My period is due Tuesday, and I just have a feeling it is going to come. I had diarrhea and stomach cramps (not menstrual cramps) this morning which is always a sign it is on its way. I don't have any symptoms except for a little creamy CM which I've had before my period anyway.

I just can't take getting my period again. I mean, I really, really, really do not want it to come. I don't want to deal with the heartbreak and disappointment. I don't know how to keep doing this. Honestly, I just don't know how. I'm glad Mr. Z is getting his SA this week, and I will go for tests as soon as we know his results, but I just can't handle that horrible moment when I go into the bathroom and realize my period has started yet again.

I am just feeling SO LOW right now. Argh. I'm sorry ladies...I know there are women on this thread with bigger challenges and concerns than mine, so I really wouldn't be surprised if y'all slapped some sense into me, but I don't know how much longer I want to keep feeling like this. Like a failure.
Fookie, I am so sorry that the clinic put you through this! What a huge disappointment and enormous amount of frustration. It sounds like having that conversation about the next step will be valuable even if it leads you to believe that this needs to be the end of the fertility treatment. That way you can move to the adoption step if you are considering that (and I think you said you are.) I am curious - is any part of fertility treatment tax deductible in Canada? I sure hope so!

And I hear you on not wanting to change clinics at this point. For me, I don't have an option on clinics, however, it is at least convenient as it's very close to where I work. For that reason, if we go the IUI route, getting time off work hopefully won't be a huge deal. How did you approach it with your boss? Did you tell her / him the reason you need those appointments?

Zelda, you have a right to come here anytime you feel sad and frustrated. None of us are going to virtual slap anyone! :-) I relate to that feeling of being a failure when my period comes. As happy as I am that Mr. M's sperm count is good, I think I felt more guilt and worry that it's ME last cycle than ever. I feel like it's so unfair that my body goes through the preparation to bear a baby every month, and every month I am met with blood and cramps. I know how you feel in this way. Keep some hope. You have a couple more days to feel hope so try your best to focus on that. I know it's hard!
((Fookie)) I am some combination of indignant and sad about all that you've had to go through. I agree with ellen, while I can deal when things get screwed up and it's nobody's fault, it absolutely enrages me when something like this happens because people can't get their shit together. I'm glad you're going to see your specialist and hopefully talk options but I know how anything money-related can be super-stressful.

Also, I loved your story about your gramps....what a beautiful dream. It reminded me of my grandpa who died when I was a little girl (he died when I was 6, when my mom was pregnant with my sister). He was a truly gentle giant too and I think a big reason why my mom's family is so wonderful and close. I agree that sometimes dreams come to tell us might not be as direct as "this thing is going to happen for you this month," but sometimes I think maybe it's a message to keep hope alive, to reassure us that somehow it's going to work out.

((zelda)) I know this has been heartbreaking for you, and I know it hurts to hope and then have your hope dashed. I'm thinking of you a lot and hoping and praying for you. As for your dreams...well, I'm no dream interpreter, but the thing I often come back to is this idea that in a lot of dreams, all the people are actually YOU. So your mom yelling at you that you can't have what you want and you yelling back could be you trying to battle the inner voice (that is inside all of us at times) that says you don't "deserve" to have what you really want. You know that voice is talking bullshit (which is why you've given it the what for) but you still have to fight it, because it's there. If life worked on the merit system exclusively I'm not sure whether we'd all be much happier or we'd all be screwed, but there is always that voice saying that we don't get this thing because we weren't "good" enough, whatever that means. You know you have to fight that voice, and I'm glad you did. The toddler girl in the first dream, I don't know. That could be you, too, both you as mother caring for that precious little girl, caring for that dream of the little girl that you and Mr. Z will have someday and tending to that hope, and also caring for yourself (the little girl inside) and tending to her as well.

zelda, sweets, know that you are not a failure even though I understand the feeling. I know you will do what you need to do to care for yourself. And as far as other people having it worse than you - remember that just because someone else's life might have more challenges in it right now than yours doesn't disqualify you from needing love and care for your own needs. It's okay to need, and it's okay to put out there that you need even in the midst of other people's needs. (You would not believe how much therapy it took me to figure THAT one out, and I still find myself re-learning it a lot of times...)

Cristine, your posts tickle me. Just the sheer excitement of it's so great. Have fun and good luck!

funnybird, thinking of you and the Mr.
Michelina, hope you are doing well.
ellenevenstar and yumyum - thinking of you and the lil beans!
jennydreadful - hope things are going well for you and your little guy....
ananke and eyelet - thinking of our newest mommas and your little ones....
(and if I left folks out of that, I'm very sorry....chalk it up to preggo brain)

All is cool in the home front at the moment. I went baby consignment store shopping yesterday and snagged a great little crib bedding set for way cheap. Little dude is still bouncing around. Sometimes it's actual kicky kicks, sometimes I think of it as being like that big bubble that comes to the top when you get water from one of those office water bottles, and sometimes it feels like acrobatics in there! One thing is that he is definitely not a command performer. It never fails, he'll be kicking and I'll pull mr. julie's hand to my belly to feel it, and then he'll stop, the little booger.

I have not had cake yet but that is definitely on the agenda for today. I think I'm going to allow one more day of the all-I-want-to-eat crapfest and then I'll start being a (relatively) good girl again tomorrow. ;-)
Julie, Michelina, thank you SO much for your kind words. Julie, I especially like what you wrote about re: the dreams I had. I, too, have heard that you should examine all people in the dream as you, and I think it's a great way of getting some insight into what's really going on inside.

By the way, if the time comes for me, I plan on doing a LOT of consignment shopping for baby gear. So much more affordable and practical - recycling, too! As for the kicks - SO cool. I cannot wait to experience that!

I'm feeling a little better now. I woke up, did a ton of laundry, and went to the grocery store. Tomorrow is the first day back at school with students, so that is *definitely* going to be a distraction for me. Of course, I hoped I would be going back to school pregnant, but I've realized I have got to stop thinking that way or I'll drive myself crazy.

Michelina, I know just what you mean about your period seeming unfair...every month I think my poor body is just trying to do its job - get pregnant - and it doesn't. I know that's silly - plus, it's not really honoring my body, which does LOTS of jobs every day for me for which I am not grateful enough!

I'm starting to really worry about Mr. Z's SA. What if it comes back with poor results? I'm assuming the first thing the doctor will tell him is stop smoking pot. Mr. Z has said he has NO problem with this, but what if deep down inside he resents this? What if the pot is not the problem and it's something else? What if he's smoked enough pot that he's permanently damaged his jizz? (Although from everything I've read that's not possible.)

I am really, really starting to get nervous about it!

Well, at least we'll know soon enough.

Ladies, THANK YOU for listening to me. It means a LOT to come here.
Zelda, glad to hear you are feeling better. Sometimes distractions (even mundane ones) are helpful. And I love what you said about honouring your body. You are right. I need to focus on the fact that I am mentally and physically healthy and my body is a truly wonderful thing.

I started doing some research into adoption lately. Something I had never considered is that both physical and mental health are considered. I am so thankful that both Mr. M and I are mentally healthy. I have a family history of depression and anxiety and I am so grateful for my emotional health.

Julie, your post was full of insight and wonderful advice. Thank you for that!

Something I forgot to mention recently is that one of the women I work with just announced her pregnancy. Luckily she announced it before I got my period so I didn't take it too hard. As we were all talking about it in the hallway, someone else said she thinks there will likely be a "string of mat leaves" ahead and looked at me and the other recently married woman. Now I think I would have lost it right then if I had just gotten my period. And to make matters worse, everyone from the receptionist to my manager has been bringing up me having kids lately. I yawned the other day and someone said, "I see you're tired - hope you're not pregnant!" followed by a chuckle. I really really hoped I would be pregnant by this time, and it is only going to get harder to deal with these comments. I am not sure how to deal with them. And I realize my response will change based on where I am in my cycle so I won't always burst into tears, but know I am at risk to do this at some points in time. Anyone have a good way to handle these comments diplomatically?
Michelina, I, too, have considered adoption. Mr. Z is adopted, and I have positive feelings toward adoption, but I am not quite ready to let my mind go there yet.

I totally understand the comments at work (or anywhere). I work at a school which is full of family-friendly types. There's at least one pregnant teacher every year. This year, one woman showed up three months pregnant.

The first day back, another woman showed up with her baby who was born in June. That combined with the pregnant coworker created the perfect opportunity for three - yes THREE - coworkers to come up to me and ask me if I "would be next"...I did cry that day (in the bathroom)...and I didn't even have my period! In fact I was in the middle of my fertile window - when I am usually most hopeful.

I don't have any really good advice, I'm afraid. I try to say, "Well, we'll see" or "Yes, maybe someday." The good thing I have going for me is that my fellow teachers - while I love them - see me as a little offbeat. I wear vintage clothing to school, am married to a part time musician, wear combat boots in the winter, etc. I think I wouldn't be surprised if I found out *they* thought I was the type who never planned on having kids (based on stereotype, of course). Of course I desperately want to have a baby, but I think it does work to my advantage that my answers of "We'll see" are more believable due to how I come off at work. Hopefully they'll leave me alone.

Only two women (including the one who just had a baby) know about my situation, and they have been 100% supportive and tactful. I'm *really* glad more people at work don't know I am trying. *Really* glad. Wish I had followed that plan in the rest of my life.

That said, fortunately, Mr. Z and I are blessed with a group of friends who are gay, straight, single, coupled, have kids, want kids, and definitely don't want kids. So at least the only time I have to deal with those questions is work. The only thing is that by sharing with them that I want a baby, I do feel like a watched pot at times, even though our friends never ask.

Michelina, in regards to my earlier post concerning Mr. Z's SA...did your doc ever say anything about pot permanently affecting Mr. M's sperm? (Obviously, it didn't!) But that is what I am worrying about now. He's been smoking for twenty years at this point!
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