Sep 5 2007, 04:38 PM
Just posted this thread out of curiosity. When do you guys think alcohol becomes a problem? Any personal experiences?
Sep 6 2007, 01:04 PM
QUOTE(silverhalide @ Sep 5 2007, 06:55 PM)
Just posted this thread out of curiosity. When do you guys think alcohol becomes a problem? Any personal experiences?
I knew that alcohol was a problem when, realizing that I couldn't stop drinking on my own, I decided to step off the roof of a pretty tall apartment building. Obviously I didn't do it, but instead experienced what some folks call a "moment of clarity;" that is, I made a call for help. That was the end of the line, though, the rooftop experience. What led to it was a number of years of problems caused by alcohol. Or, more specifically, by my consumption of alcohol.
At first it was a touch of promiscuity here and there. Then it was waking up (read: coming to) in the homes of people I didn't recall meeting. Ever. Blackouts were the norm, actually, from my very first drunk. But here's the summary version: When the unacceptable became acceptable... that is when I knew it was a problem. But even then, silverhalide, the knowing alone didn't do a thing. I really had to be brought to my knees to be at a place where not only was I willing to ask for help, but more importantly (imo) actually ACCEPT it. I went for years knowing it was a problem - I felt helpless and unable to deal with it.
I should say that I do believe some people just drink a lot, either once in a while or through stages of life / life events. But when it's time to get serious (grow up, face life, deal with responsibilities, etc.), they are able to set drinking aside and step up to the plate. Everyone who drinks a lot or is a "problem drinker" is not necessarily an alcoholic, is what I'm trying to say.
So after all that, I'd say that, based upon my own experience, alcohol is a problem when you can't stop drinking. And/or when you know it's a problem, but you can't imagine life without alcohol - it feels like two different brands of death: Can't life with it, can't live without it.
That was probably way more than you really wanted... so sorry! It's probably not good form for the new girl to get so yammery right off the bat!
Sep 6 2007, 02:30 PM
When the use of alcohol creates problems for you, then alcohol is a problem. However, many people will deny that thier problems are due to their alcohol consumption. Rather, they will blame other factors (society, individuals, rules, laws, etc.). I agree with everything the previous post says, and it is true that you can have a temporary problem and later resume normal drinking. That's not the case for me, but I've seen it happen with others.
Sep 9 2007, 06:36 PM
I have a close friend who has an alcohol problem. Most of our friends drink alcohol when socializing, at the bar, hanging out...but this one friend will get drunk at home alone. Completely drunk. I think that's when we realized he has a problem is it's not even social anymore...it's necessary for him to drink.
Sep 9 2007, 07:02 PM
Hey, Shannon- That's how it was for me in the last years of my drinking: I HAD to do it. It wasn't fun anymore, no longer social - a solitary task because any other way would have raised way too many eyebrows. I couldn't really afford to drink in bars the way I needed to, so drinking at home made the most sense (using the word "sense" loosely). So there I was, alone every night, just drinking. Pretending that the next day would be different.
Do you have plans to intervene or anything to help your friend?
Sep 9 2007, 07:05 PM
Thanks feline, yeah we're just talking about it right now between our friends. We thought about bringing it up to his parents and maybe an intervention. Just not sure the best way to handle it.
Sep 9 2007, 07:28 PM
It's a tough thing to do - check out this page: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/interventio...ntervention.htm
for possible tips.
Another idea is to go to an Alanon meeting in your area - people there may have had some experience doing interventions. Not knowing any of you, I won't give any advice regarding the parents.
About a year before I ended up getting sober, 3 girlfriends showed up unexpectedly, poured out my wine, then dragged me from my apartment in what I now call The Failed Intervention. We went to the hospital where I was examined and given the diagnosis of "borderline personality disorder," told to quit drinking and go to AA meetings. And then I was released back to the care of my friends. They were all pretty mad, as they'd been hoping I'd be held by the hospital. I'd become a cutter, so had hash marks on my arms, not to mention the lovely vomit stains on my clothes. (Ah, the glamor of active alcoholism!) It *is* kind of a wonder they let me go, but maybe it was a busy night i the ER. After they took me home, I dug out my HIDDEN supply of booze and finished off the night in my usual fashion.
Now... don't let that keep you from helping your friend... I'm telling you that because while the intervention itself didn't have the outcome my friends wanted, it did plant a seed - I was at my most unlovable point in life. I completely hated myself, was humiliated and horrified by my drunken behaviors. And these 3 women cared enough to go through all of that. When I finally did "turn myself in" to AA, those 3 women were among the very few I had left as true friends. And they were still there for me.
So don't be afraid to do something. Just be prepared for an outcome that doesn't match your hopes. And remember - you cannot make anyone get sober. I have a brother out there (somewhere) who we haven't been able to sober up and it breaks my heart. I completely expect to get a phone call about his untimely death. Why? Because nobody can make an addicted person change - such is the nature of this beast, I'm afraid. As much as I've observed, thought, studied and pondered, I can't figure out why it has to come from within, but it does.
Anyway... sorry for the length here. This is a subject I know and care a lot about - because I *am* a recovered alcoholic, because I'm involved in 12 step work and so it is dear to my heart. If there's anything I can to do to help, please let me know.
Sep 13 2007, 09:39 PM
alcohol is a problem in my marriage. my wife drinks. she's an alcoholic but unless and until she's ready to claim it, i don't get to say that. i hate it that she drinks. i hate the way booze smells on her breath. i hate how unpredictable she is when she's been drinking. she doesn't understand that her drinking effects my life at all. she goes to her mom's one night a week to drink. i know, it sounds like i'm being extreme but it doesn't feel extreme to have to live with it.
alcohol scares me. what it does to people scares me. i see how it ruins lives. i see how helpless people become in the face of it.
Oct 3 2007, 12:41 PM
fiddler - sorry that things are like that in your marriage because of alcohol. i dated an alcoholic about 5 years ago, and i'm still getting over the side effects - namely, i drank more when i dated him, and so have continued that habit. i'm only recently cutting drastically back on my level of drinking (i was at the point where i could drink an entire bottle of wine, drive my car to meet friends, drink more, drive home, and wake up the next morning with barely a hangover. since i cut back to only 2-3 drinks per week, i'm losing my tolerance level. it's so great!)
i could see how close i was to becoming pretty dependent on alcohol. so i had to stop.
Oct 7 2007, 08:19 PM
I call myself a high functioning alchoholic. I need it to socialise enjoyably. I'm banned from drinking alone (the last time ended up destroying four years of not cutting, a 1am phonecall to a friend and storming out of my house in bloodstained pj's while not wearing my glasses). When I drink, I drink heavily. It's been a long time since I went a week without a drink, if not drunkeness. I drank over a litre of vodka in five days during the first week of my holidays.
But, most people insist I'm not an alchoholic. I think because I don't flip ot so badly if I drink with friends and I'm not a mean drunk. I don't do stupid shit. But I'm just like my Da, who was a raging alchoholic for 30 years. I don't want to end up like that.
Oct 7 2007, 08:38 PM
glad you feel like you can share here. i don't drink because it's a trick for me. i know myself well enough to know that i'm an addict. i can become addicted to almost anything, it seems, alcohol, drugs, cutting, eating or not eating. so i'm careful. and i've had to learn ways to deal with situations and feelings (life). it's not been easy and it's taken a long time. i still resort to old ways sometimes. after years of not cutting, i cut this spring. i felt so shamed to have done that. last time i drank, i drank to blackout. it scared me. i drank because i was depressed. it didn't help.
i hope you are able to find your path to healing. everyone's path is different. you don't need your friends to agree with you to have it be your truth. I applaud you for having the courage to speak your truth.
Oct 7 2007, 09:38 PM
(((((hugs to everyone here)))))
I am sorry to hear about your wife's alcohol dependency. Alcohol ruined my marriage. We were perfectly happy until his drinking got out of control to the point where ~ he became another person. Not the person I married. That person was gone. And he still is the alcoholic to this day. Just wanted to say I hope you can get through without giving up your marriage. I know it's difficult. The problem for us is that he refused to talk about or deal with it in any way. I really hope you can get her talking and accepting she has a problem. My ex is an alcoholic still to this day and I fear for his life...no way can a person live like this for long...also he smokes cigarettes like crazy (the whole alcohol/nicotine reciprocation effect). It sickens me. And I'm always afraid of receiving a phone call, you know? So I know what you mean...alcohol scares the hell out of me too, worse than any other addiction I think. I'm glad you've found a place where you can lay out your feelings. I just said a little 'prayer' for you.
Oct 8 2007, 08:44 PM
I can't believe I found this thread. I'm just getting over a hang over as we speak.I've been a binge drinker for over 10 years and will be turning 30 in a few weeks.
My last binge took place in a recording studio and a couple of pubs.I went out a 2pm and got home at 3am.I drink sometimes to the point of blacking out.
I've lost my licence dui in the past.I am living on borrowed time.Last weekend I drove my car and was so drunk that I had to close one of my eyes to focus.
I've tried AA,alcohol councelling ect ect.I'm a musician so I'm within that whole drinking culture.My father had a problem with alcohol and I do too unfortunately.
I'm very scared.I'm living on borrowed time.
Oct 9 2007, 10:46 AM
datagirl: It's a huge step you've taken ... and a positive turn in your life ... for you to have admitted that you have a drinking problem. Remember that a journey of 1,000 miles begins with one little step and you have taken that step. Now it seems you need to figure out what direction to go in to get where you want to end up. ((((hugs))))
Oct 9 2007, 08:00 PM
I was driving to work today (now very sober and recovered) and was wondering how I'm going to simply not drink anymore.
AA is an option but as I said,I've tried that.I didn't commit to it because I would usually attend straight after a bender.Sort of like damage control.So when I'd half way thought I'd redeemed myself I'd stop going. I began to hate it actually because all we talked about was NOT DRINKING!!! I know,I know......that's the point ect ect.
I remember one time driving home after a meeting and just crying because I couldn't imagine my life without alcohol and crying also becuase I was just so
stuck in this thought,paralysed.I love alcohol but it's going to kill me.I'm so stuck.If only they had an AA for younger people. Anyone got any ideas?? I'm in Sydney,Australia.
Oct 9 2007, 08:34 PM
Maybe AA isn't the place for you? Do you have friends that can help? I've learnt to control my drinking (mostly) without never drinking. If you want to email me, we can talk if you'd like.
Oct 10 2007, 09:53 AM
datagirl: You don't need to drink to be happy. There is joy which comes naturally in life when you get sober. I understand how hard it must be since you are in a band, but you do not need to drink to play your instrument and do a show, even though it might seem that way.
Maybe you could think about giving AA more of a chance - like commit to it 100% - and then if it doesn't work out, try Plan B. I say this because it is a proven effective program that has worked for tons of people - all kinds of different people - for many years - and until you begin working the 12-step program, you can't really feel it working.
I have a friend who had an alcohol and cocaine problem. He hit bottom. He said he HATED the thought of going to AA because he felt he had NOTHING in common with the people there (he was younger, like you, and was a lawyer). Eventually he HAD to go...and he said, once he started getting to know the people there, he found out he had TONS in common with them. That whole behavioral drinking issue starts from the same place ~ the same patterns ~ in everybody, no matter your age, class/race, etc. My friend got sober through AA.
Oct 10 2007, 12:56 PM
there's also this support group: http://www.secularsobriety.org/
it's called SOS.. standing for secular organizations for sobriety. here's part of their org statement.. "We respect diversity, welcome healthy skepticism, and encourage rational thinking as well as the expression of feelings."
anyway. i've determined i think i was meant to survive on alcohol. when i'm drunk is the only time my brain feels normal. not that i necessarily
strive for normalcy, or that i think my thoughts are normal when i'm drunk.. as it is that i feel more comfortable with whole self (neurosis and issues included) when my brain is under the influence. BUT i realize i have to look to the bigger picture, look to my daily goals, look to what i really want, and determine if alcohol can be included in that equation. you know, it's as though you have to weigh out your priorities. this is going to sound so ridiculous, but i'd just like to be rich so that i could be free to live however i wanted. wait- that is like the american dream or something huh..
Oct 10 2007, 03:49 PM
QUOTE(knorl05 @ Oct 10 2007, 07:13 PM)
i've determined i think i was meant to survive on alcohol. when i'm drunk is the only time my brain feels normal. not that i necessarily strive for normalcy, or that i think my thoughts are normal when i'm drunk.. as it is that i feel more comfortable with whole self (neurosis and issues included) when my brain is under the influence.
That is interesting to me. My ex was a (functioning) alcoholic and I never quite understood why he liked it so much, why he had to drink. I wonder if it had something to do with that though.
Oct 10 2007, 11:16 PM
i_am_jan: self medication perhaps.
the reason i like SOS support groups, although i havent participated, is that it offers people who do not believe in religion, an intelligent (and i feel enduring) alternative to aa.
Oct 18 2007, 08:48 PM
Grrr. . . Here's an example of how alcohol is affecting my marriage. Today is my birthday. My sweetie is at her mom's drinking because she has to drink on Thursdays or the world might end. For fuck's sake, it's one day a year. Gees. . . She invited me to go over to her mom's too, knowing that I don't enjoy being at her mom's, especially when she's drinking. So, happy birthday to me, now go get drunk. Yup, I'm mad. Grrr. . .
Oct 18 2007, 09:20 PM
Aw damn, fiddler, that sucks. Happy birthday though!
Oct 30 2007, 12:53 PM
Happy Birthday, Fiddler, hope you found a way to enjoy your evening : )~
knorl05: Some of the things you've said are helping me to get a clearer picture of my ex (the alcoholic). Your personality and his sound very similar. He is in a band. I guess I never *really* realized he really had issues...he seemed to be a person who had it all together and then some, great career, great musician, great personality, funny ~ the main thing is he was a very comical person (*always* making people laugh, in any conversation with him, anytime of the day, cranking out jokes and laughter)...lots of people including myself would love to *be* him ... so maybe that's why I never felt he had serious issues even though I know his childhood was rough? Anyway, from the way he presented on the outside, he never seemed to be hurting in any way. But he does, like you, feel he functions better/feels better with alcohol in his system.
But I have a question for you...something you said about feeling more 'normal' when you are drinking...as I told you, he is a 'functioning' alcoholic. He calls me when he's drinking/drunk. The things he says ~ I can't tell whether they're how he really feels, or if they're feelings he thinks because he's drunk. Could you shed some light at all? I mean, you proclaim to be a 'functioning' user, so~when you are on the phone with the intimate people in your life, and you're drunk~are the things you say how you truly feel? Or are they confused with alcohol?
I realize that's a subjective sort of question but if you have any answers at all, it would really help clear up some of my confusion in dealing with him. One of the things that's been hardest is that the only time he would discuss our relationship is when he's drunk. It's just that I'm not sure which him is him anymore ~ the sober one, the drunk one, some combination of each?
Oct 30 2007, 04:32 PM
blah blah blah..
Nov 3 2007, 06:44 PM
knorl: Yeah, okay...I see exactly what you're saying...he probably still feels the same way about me as usual, but it's now intensified (really bursting out of him)...so I needn't think a whole new feeling has come into the equation...thanks girl, that goes a long way toward my sorting out the confusion...
love out to all my busties...next one's on me
Nov 4 2007, 11:51 AM
right. that's it i'm sure i_am_jan. glad you've sorted it all out..
Dec 6 2007, 12:58 PM
I'm bumping this thread for knophusion26.
Dec 6 2007, 03:39 PM
i personally have been drinking too much this week. it's been an annoying week, with jury duty and the rain/snow. since i have not cooked at home, i have been getting takeout, so it's extremely easy to just run to the store on the way for some wine or whatever. i'm just frustrated, because i don't sleep as well when i drink a lot, and i feel all bloated and icky.
just wanted to vent quickly. i am going to try to reduce my alcohol intake this weekend.
Dec 13 2007, 12:31 PM
I haven't posted in here until now, but I think that now is the perfect time.
I have had a problem with drinking for a long time. I just didn't realize what a huge problem it really was until right after Halloween when I tried to quit drinking. I didn't. I actually felt like suck a looser cause I couldn't that I really ended up drinking more.
last weekend I decided that I should look into some rehab programs, but the health care system is so fucked up in this country.
I have actually BEGGED places to take me...but I am still here at home. I have insurance too!
I have started looking into alternative ways to kick the booze without going to rehab just now.
Obviously I would start attending some meetings in the area...I have already called about all of those.
I was just wondering if anyone here has any other suggestions? I am looking into yoga classes and other things that i could do to relax and get my nervous energy out
, but does anyone have any other ideas?
Dec 13 2007, 07:32 PM
talk to your doctor, jay. i don't know the extent/use/duration of what you do, but abruptly stopping, esp. in someone with heavy, frequent use, can cause a slew of medical issues. he/she may also be able to direct you to some good, cheap, effective resources. AA is definitely a good idea, like you said.
in the meantime, exercise can help lessen the blow. change/slowly phase out your peer group, if need be (aka, avoid enablers.) easier said than done, right?
check out the library, book store. great resources there; it's not like you have to get a text book, but i actually read some great addiction memoirs, and the Bill W. Alcoholics Anonymous book and movie were great.
you are a strong person right off the bat if you can do such a fearless analysis of yourself and even take steps to correct it. good luck!
Dec 14 2007, 09:37 AM
well,i have thought that i would start going back to the last psychiatrist that i stopped seeing a few years ago. being so dependent on booze and other things for the past twelve years and not really realizing it...and then stopping is going to be a huge shock to my system...after all i am only almost 26. i am actually going to join a local gym that three or four of my "good for me" friends belong to, some have already said that they want to make dates to work out together to keep us both motivated. i guess i am doing the detox now...i haven't had anything to drink for 3 days....IT SUCKS. i have had a couple of panic attacks and have been sweaty with those stupid shaking hands. it scares me to think of how much my body hates me right now for not drinking. i am just trying to bide my time until this part...the worst part is over...and trying to get up the courage to go to my first meeting. it's one thing to admit to yourself that you have a problem....even to admit it online to strangers....but to go somewhere and have to look other people in the face and admit it then...
well, i am working on it.
Dec 15 2007, 08:32 PM
Wow! This thread is the perfect place for me! I just read over some of the postings and I will most definitely check out the SOS website that was mentioned.
I have had a problem with drinking and all of my friends know it, but I am afraid to really admit it. I used to be in the Navy and drinking is what we did when we were bored. But as I grow older, I realize I don't have much control over myself. I am a single woman and I enjoy going out with my girlfriends on the weekends. It is hard not to drink and I always swear I am only going to have one drink...well one drink leads to a night where I don't remember a thing. Matter of fact last weekend, I got so drunk I couldn't find my own car! Thank God I haven't gotten in any trouble with the law, but I swear alcohol is going to be the death of me. And just to think that scares the hell out of me!! But not enough to stop drinking...because as I type, I have a drink next to me.
As someone mentioned, alcohol makes me feel "normal" or at least calms the thoughts in my brain. Sometimes I just don't feel like thinking about serious life issues (bills, relationships) so I drink and I have a good time. It never became an issue until I realized that there were more than one nights out of the week that I couldn't remember really what I did/said.
When I drink I am a free spirit, but when I am sober--I am neurotic.
I always thought that I could just stop drinking or not drink as much, but now I am realizing that this is an illness and perhaps I do need help.
Wow....never thought I would "say" that.
Dec 16 2007, 05:29 AM
sugasnuf: i understand that. i think the objective is to learn to be comfortable with ourselves. so that we are not deluded by the false promises that alcohol brings.
i think it's important that we are comfortable in our own 'neurotic' minds, to be at peace with ourselves, so that we dont feel the need to escape our thoughts/problems via intoxication. when we're not happy with ourselves, we look to alcohol (et al) as a respite for our distress. but we've got to weigh out our options. discover our priorities. is the temporary high really worth your life? your well being? because if you'd really like to break free from your neurosis, alcohol is not the way to go. alcohol in fact creates more, compounded many times with guilt, shame and embarrassment. i would suggest you start to cut back, perhaps look into therapy, meditation, art, music, exercise... healthy distractions to allow you to enjoy your life for real, not merely through altered states.
Dec 16 2007, 05:31 AM
ps. the only way to overcome our problems is to work through them... they're not going to just go away.
Dec 27 2007, 12:33 PM
Just reading over the posts, as I have family members who have some probs...
Drinking is just so common & acceptable that this whole thing can't be easy. I myself am a would-be alcoholic if I actually LIKED drinking. Cuz every time I've ever gone out to "have a drink" I've lost it, drank too much, blacked out. The only reason it's not a problem for me is that I really don't enjoy it and it scares me too much, I'm a control freak...
Knorlo I really like what you said...how you can still have "distractions" but if they are healthy ones, such as exercise or music, you can still indulge, but you will also truly enjoy your life's activities. That is good advice that I've seen to be true. If you can break a bad habit and pick up a new one to replace it, well...
Good luck everyone and stay safe.
Dec 28 2007, 07:59 AM
i am jan: yes i do agree about replacing unhealthy/nonproductive habits with healthy/productive ones.. i've found most people really do want to live more meaningful lives, they just dont always have the insight to go about doing it. my point is that i think we need to determine if how we're functioning is worth our time, and if it's not we need to change something. it's our responsibility.. and if we decide not to change anything, well then, we've just got to stop bitching. know what i mean? lucky for you alcohol hasnt been your friend through the years... it really isnt the best of relationships for one to have.
Dec 28 2007, 09:37 AM
QUOTE(knorl05 @ Oct 10 2007, 02:13 PM)
i've determined i think i was meant to survive on alcohol. when i'm drunk is the only time my brain feels normal. not that i necessarily strive for normalcy, or that i think my thoughts are normal when i'm drunk..
i like to drink b/c it quiets down all those constant noises in my head. most of the time my head is just stuffed full of everything
and i feel like there's not much room left to relax. alcohol helps, but when i drink i always drink in excess. i'm a sloppy drunk and i don't even like it anymore. i feel stupid about all the stupid shit i've done and i hate that i can't trust myself with alcohol. i'm not quite sure how to fix it either... i just hate knowing that i left the bar a little too sloshed last nite.
Jul 12 2008, 12:10 PM
I haven't visited the lounge in years but I remember it being a good place for insight--however difficult it may be to hear.
My boyfriend is an alcoholic. We have been together for just under a year but we dated in the mid 80's when we were teens working in the club scene. Ours is a weird love story which is probably for another forum, but suffice it to say that my feelings for this man are much more like those of a lifelong partner than a new relationship. I am trying to decide whether to stay or leave.
I went into this with my eyes at least partially open. I knew within a few weeks of getting involved with him that he had a problem. I stayed because every other aspect of who he is delights me. He is able to moderate for several days at a time, sometimes even weeks. But he is not able to last beyond that. The longer he abstains or moderates, the more extreme the binge that follows.
I have taken to disappearing when I know a binge is coming on (a handle of vokda shows up in the freezer, or I get a slurring phone call). I take his call and politely ask him to call me back when he sobers up. When he does, I hear from him, and we pick up where we left off.
If I'm out of the equation, this man has set up his life in such a way that only he is hurt by the drinking. His closest friends are addicts, he supports himself well with his own business, he has no children or nearby family, and he doesn't drive drunk. It's hard to make an argument for sobriety when the drinking is victimless.
Right now we're in the midst of one of these times apart. It troubles me that we have this arrangement--that I'm "okay" with it. He talks about marriage or living together, about traveling and other plans, but I can never really join him in this daydreaming because I can not be locked into a situation where I can't escape.
It's not difficult to guess that I grew up with addicted parents and learned to insulate myself quite well. It's most likely the reason I am 42 and single. None of my previous boyfriends nor ex-husband were addicts, so this is not a pattern for me. But the fact that I am more in love with him than I was the other guys seems significant.
I want the perspective of people who themselves have this addiction. Am I making his problem worse by staying and "cooperating?" Is there something that I could say or do that would change things?
Jul 12 2008, 12:45 PM
as a person married to an alcoholic, i can hear what you're saying. i haven't found anything i can do or say that will change my spouse. we have an arrangement wherein she drinks one night a week at her mother's house (thursdays). the rest of the time, she's sober. we're expecting a baby any day now and i've asked her to abstain until after the baby is born. i felt that it was important to be able to count on her being there for me and sober even on a thursday. boy have i had to pay for that request. you'd have thought it was the end of the world. she's abstaining, but only because i told her that i wouldn't allow her in the delivery room if she wasn't sober.
i love her very much. when we entered into our relationship, i knew she had a drinking problem. she was sober then, but only because of a court order. the day the order expired, she drank and i was crushed. i can't think of anyone else i'd want to be in a relationship with - anyone else i'd want to raise my child with - but i also don't know for sure if i'd do it all again had i known that the drinking would be such an issue. i think i was blissfully naive when it came to addiction. i though she'd stop if she loved me enough. nope.
i do feel trapped at times and that makes me mad. i get mad that i've allowed myself to be trapped by her drinking. we're planning on her adopting our child and that scares me too. after she adopts our baby, i'll be even more trapped. am i stupid? do i expect too much? i don't know. hard questions to answer.
anyway, i think i understand where you're coming from. i don't have the answers, only my own experience.
Jul 14 2008, 11:07 PM
Fightrisk: It seems as though one of the reasons you are so comfortable with him, is due to the familiarty involved (parents being alcoholics). And you may also, on some level, want to save or help him. It could be the appeal of the tragic ones.. that we see their potential and hope that our loyalty to them will allow them to care about themselves. Or that you dated him in the past and always wondered what would have/could have happened? It sounds like a complicated situation. If you want to continue investing in the relationship, I feel you will need to evaluate the situation objectively. Although he may not have gotten into legal trouble yet, and although he may be able to maintain his financial standing, and even though his health has not suffered from the unhealthy lifestyle, is this really something you want for yourself, long term? - That is of course, if you can see him not getting help. I can say, from my own experience with addiction, the only thing that usually works is a hard-core intervention. But even then, if the addict is not ready to change, s/he will not change.
I admire your willingness to love him unconditionally, but I think to put our own well-being first in an intimate relationship is the most important thing; not only for the sake of our health, but also because it leads to a more loving and stable relationship. So then what it really ultimately comes down to, is what you want from the relationship... what you are looking for, emotionally, physically, intellectually, spiritually... and if he is not providing it, perhaps you should communicate that to him and start looking elsewhere.
Oh and if you are willing to continue to invest in the relationship, I think the main thing is to just go into it with open eyes.
Jun 19 2009, 08:15 PM
Jul 12 2009, 03:52 PM
I'm glad this thread was bumped. I am quitting drinking. I occasionally drink too much and had a bad incident on Saturday.
Has anyone else here quit drinking? Do you find it hard in social situations? That's what I'm worrying about. I don't want to become anti-social, but I don't want to be pressured to drink either. I'm going to go for counselling (for my depression as well as the drinking) and see if there's some sort of underlying issues I need to work through to help keep me strong, so hopefully that helps.
Jul 12 2009, 06:35 PM
lananans, the one thing you should watch for--if you were a heavy enough drinker--is withdrawal. shakes, cravings, feeling flu-like, etc. quitting alcohol cold turkey isn't quite like quitting others things abruptly. good for you with the counseling; outside support is crucial to success. social situations will undoubtebly be hard, especially if your core friends were your usual drinking buddies. slowly disconnect from those activities; get your friends to do something non-bingey/non-bar-like/non-frat partyish, and if you find that all you have in common with them is the bottle, well, time to get new friends.
small steps. you can do it.
Jul 13 2009, 04:43 PM
thanks catlady... it's nice to have support
I'm not a heavy enough drinker that I'm going through withdrawal. It's just more of a binge drinking problem. I won't drink for a while and then once I start having a couple drinks I have too many.
I do drink with my close friends, but they understand that I'm going to stop so that's good.
My main problem is going to be that I'm doing my masters in Journalism and there's kind of a whole drinking culture associated with it. I just have to step away from that. I can do it!