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Full Version: I Feel Bad! That Makes Me Mad... And Sad...
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my update: i had all four wisdom teeth taken out wednesday, and have been out of commission since then. today is the first day i haven't been on painkillers constantly, so i think i'm starting to mend. my stomach has been incredibly rocky cause of all the weird liquid diet, and i have thrush on my tongue even though the oral surgeon didn't put me on antibiotics in an effort to try and save my stomach from a complete meltdown. when i went to the doctor last night to get a rx for the thrush (the first time i've left the house since wed. i had explosive diarrhea, and my boyfriend had to take me back home before going to get the rx filled.

i think i'm going to try and go out to pick up my new glasses later on, but i think i'm going to have to write off the rest of the xmas shopping i was hoping to do and just hunker down until we fly out on the weekend.

blah, what a week.
Hugs to both of you.

Kitten, it sounds like you're really overwhelmed right now. I empathize with you for a lot of the shit you're dealing with. The things that really hit home for me were -- wait, now that I think about it, basically all of it! It sucks to realize that the future is going to hold plenty more of the shit we've been dealing with in the past before it gets any better. And yeah- I'm just fucking sick of it, already! And yes, it is so easy to get lazy about health after a while. It just requires so much effort, especially when it seems like there's so little real payoff... I have spent so much time, energy, and money on my knees with almost no results. Today I just realized the things that I was able to do in spite of this injury three months ago, that are impossible now! It was so discouraging! I'm supposed to be getting better, not worse!!!

And Jesus, I hear you on not looking forward to leaning on other people so much. I tend to not trust people to follow through and to be there, and have gotten so used to dealing with things the best I can on my own, that it sucks when "the best I can" doesn't cut it and I have to ask for help help help. (And- it sucks when you suck it up and ask for help and the person won't help you!!! Eg, tonight I asked the previously discussed fellow I've been seeing to drive me to the airport as driving aggravates my knees, and he is "busy".)

But yo, good for you on the working out! Seriously, it does not matter what is motivating you, and it doesn't mean you're shallow if you work out to look good. The bottom line is, you're doing something healthy.

Midge, did you end up writing off the Christmas shopping? I sure hope so, and I hope people are understanding-- those who matter will be! Sounds like a shit week... but then, it also sounds like you're on the up and up now, yes? The recovery phase?

I have been really fucking upset today about my knees. I did something I shouldn't have two days ago (did an upper-body weight lifting routine that required me to stabilize myself with my legs) and they got all fucked up again. I had been feeling a little bit better but now-- fuck. I have to fucking air travel without fucking standing or walking. (I need to stop swearing about this-- or at least use a bigger variety of swear words!) I couldn't stop crying today thinking about how long this has gone on and what a big deal it truly is, regardless of how much of it has largely normalized. And how much nobody seems to be in it with me... it's lonely, having health problems.

I'm scared to get out of my normal routine, in my own city where I have a car (because even if driving hurts, it's better than nothing), a one-story house, and a wheelchair... and instead have to negotiate messes like airports! I'm really scared. I'm anticipating being in a lot of pain this weekend, more than I already am. I also anticipate being in a vulnerable position where I need lots of help and I'm not sure if I'll be able to ask for it/get it. There's so much I haven't been able to do lately, things I used to take for granted so much (eg, being able to go to the library to get books I need for research. Didn't happen today. I got as far as the parking lot and turned around and drove home.)

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I wish someone would just come make it all better.
Happy New Year everybody! Octi_, how is the thing going with that guy?

I am getting ever closer to my big day. I will enjoy living in pyjamas for weeks on end. I will appreciate being able to get an accurate view of the size of my stomach, as the fibroid is pushing out just enough to afect how pants and skirt fit me. I know I won't be thin but at least I will be able to see if my workouts have helped my waist at all. I will appreciate not having to go the the bathroom every 60-90 minutes. And no more wetting the bed because the damn thing is weakening the strenght of my bladder!!! Did I mention that last one before? It only happened once but god was it embarressing. I have never been so happy to be sleeping alone.

I can't wait for the Lupron-Depot to be out of my system. The side-effects have dwindled but the headaches and hotflashes have been stressful. And I miss my sex drive. Even though I have not been doing much with it. cool.gif

But I am scared of the surgery. I am scared I am going to wake up and find out that something went wrong and they had to take my uterus, a very unlikely possibility but a concern that keeps nagging the back of my mind.

I have started to talk to my friends about helping me out. I am asking them to call me and see if I need anything or if I just need company while I heal. I really am considering scheduling them each a day. I tend to hyper-plan when I am scared.

I can't wait to be done with this! I am loosing my sense of humor and I just know that on January 15th, the day before my surgery, I am going to be borderline psychotic!
Kitten, how exciting that you're almost done with this whole mess! I know it's much easier said than done, but try to just imagine how well the procedure is going to go and how relieved you're going to be afterward (instead of worrying). I think the idea of giving each friend a specific day to call you is a good one. I think a lot of people want to be there and be supportive, but they need help with knowing what concrete things they should do and when they should do them. (Or, sometimes they assume someone else has already got it covered when that's not the case.)

Re: wetting the bed: that sucks! After that, did you do the trick where you pin cut-open garbage bags to the mattress underneath the sheets?

Thanks for asking about things with that guy. I actually broke up with him a couple of days ago. I felt good about it. ...But then he called the next day, very sad, very much wanting things to work, very much promising to shape up, even suggested doing couples counseling... and while I'm sort of a sucker for this stuff, I think there's just really not enough worth salvaging. I didn't agree to get back together... though I did agree to talk in person when he gets back to town next week (I had to do the break up over the phone). So I might need some "you go girl" type support when that rolls around...

He says the reason he was being shitty and distant and cold before leaving town was because he wasn't dealing well with my health/mobility issues. Seeing me differently because of it. Not knowing how to handle his frustration/fear/etc. He wants to find a better way to deal with emotions like that, and that's all well and good, but I don't think I need to be part of that process. I've got enough on my plate as it is.

Speaking of which... I've been feeling very fragile lately and very down. Often on the verge of tears. I'm actually finally entertaining the idea of going on antidepressants. My doc/family friend recommended it a couple of months ago, saying there's actually an antidepressant formulated for people dealing with chronic pain, and I totally ruled it out. But now I'm wondering if I might be able to help myself recover better if I weren't so emotionally distraught. (I also wonder, though, if counseling would be enough... after all, I've gotten through much worse without using drugs.)
I have actually started using Poise pads when I sleep. I was already having a little problem when I was awake, much like I hear that pregnant women can experience; that morning was just a low point. I really can't wait to throw the unused ones away as soon as I can.

Anyway...sounds like you are making some good progress on the personal front. As for the anti-depressents, I don't really have a lot of valuable advice as I don't know a lot about them. It can be easier to heal when your mood is better. If you don't want the pills, have you tried other things that elevate your moods? I have learned that acupuncture, when done for relaxation purposes, does wonders for my emotional state. I have a friend who is studying acupunture and Oriental medicine and is giving me a session before my surgery and for a few weeks after. If money is an issue, see if there is a student clinic near you. Or a massage school. The school I studied at did low cost Swedish sessions. That may help your mood. And I am a BIG fan of talk therapy.
Kitten, thanks for the suggestions. Massage sounds like a wonderful idea! And you know, I too have found that acupuncture can have relaxing and mood elevating effects, though I feel like if I'm gonna spend the money massage is maybe the better idea now since I enjoy the process more (nice kneading instead of needles!). And you've also reminded me that it's probably time to schedule another counseling appointment (I just started to see someone before the holidays but haven't made another appointment since being back in town after Christmas). In fact, I'll go see about both those things right now!

Also, a new friend just invited me on a day/weekend trip out of town to do some nature-y stuff, and I think that could be really relaxing and do me a world of good.

Also, I went back to physical therapy today, after having left in frustration about two months ago (when the therapist said she wasn't sure she could help me). Upon arriving, I found out that the old therapist decided to set me up with a colleage instead of herself, to see if I'd get better results. I like the new guy a lot. He's got some new ideas and he communicates with me in a way that really works for me... explains what he's doing, is very gentle, clear explanations, optimistic, etc. He also said that if I don't see improvement in a few weeks with him, I might have ligament damage (which I suppose would be the bad news... though I don't know how serious and permanent that is, and wasn't ready to find out)... in which case he'd send me to a doctor who works at the same Institute as he does and is supposed to be one of the best docs around (which would be the good news). I need to really focus all the energy I can on healing in these next few weeks.
That is great news about the PT! I hope something helps soon. And you need optimism in your life so that must be helping.
I am truly in the countdown to my surgery. Next Tuesday. So this means that I have lost the ability to sleep through the night and I am becoming quite cranky everyday. I am such a joy to live with. dry.gif
Woo hoo! Only five more days til kittenb's fibroid vacates the premises!! I wouldn't worry too too much about the crankiness in the meantime... hopefully those around you understand the circumstances, and I think a few sincere apologies and thank-yous after things calm down can do a lot. Good luck! Check in here if you need to process any concerns or anything!

My latest is that I really like my PT. The stuff he's having me do is helping. !!!! Finally! I'm having some pain at this moment though after a chaotic first day of classes for the semester-- and it's not over yet. Ack. Well, ice ice ice and a good attitude I guess...
Good luck, Kittenb. Hope that really positive, healthy changes come soon.

Octi, I'm so glad to hear you have a new physical therapist and he's already having a great effect on you. Sometimes all it takes is finding the right person to work with you--glad you've found someone positive, who knows how to help, and has a few options others might not know about.
Kitten! How are you, dear? How was your surgery? Has the recovery been going okay?

Hope all the other feel-bad-mad-sad busties are feeling better.
Hello all! Yes, I am back and I survived. The surgery went very well and I was out of the hospital after two nights. Recovery has been very up and down. I have never had surgery before so I was unprepared for the emotional disaster that I turned into between the 3-5 day post-surgery. Apparently, thoes are the hardest days after a medical procedure. Interesting, huh? It was something that my grandma told my mom years ago and also something that a coworker was told by her doctor. It probably has something to do with the morphine being out of my system but I was weak, weepy and very, very sore.
Since the first week, my recovery time has been a little better. Last night was the first night that I actuall felt bored. So today a friend drove me to get pet food and then let me come to his house and get on-line. I have missed Bust and all of you. I really want to get a home computer so that I can talk with you all.
I think my health issues may be coming to an end. I have to have another CT scan in March to monitor my enlarged spleen but I am betting that there will be no problem from it. Curious what makes it bigger than it should be, though. And CT scans suck.
I am just glad that the fibroid is gone! Thank you everyone for all of your help. Good luck with anything you may be dealing with as well. You are all fabulous!!!
Yay, kitten! Congratulations on being fibroid-free. That's awesome! I'm glad to see you again, and doing so much better.

Good to know that days 3-5 are hardest, in case anyone I care about (or even me) has to get surgery.

I hope that my health problems are coming to an end as well. I had another downturn with my knees when my phys therapist was out of town for a week and a half, but now that he's back I'm doing and feeling better again. Today I rode the stationary bike for 13 minutes which is fucking awesome-- longest I've done it for seven months, I think! I didn't realize that until just now! I'm hoping to work up to 20 min/day on that thing, and when I achieve that I will be so so so happy because at the 20 min mark I'll actually consider it a (albeit small!) cardio workout-- the surgeon general's recommendation about exercise is to do cardio 20 min, 3x a week at least.

(At other times, I take a step back and go, "whoa, I'm psyched about riding a stationary bike with no resistance for 13 minutes? That's sad" and almost cry. Esp. since I was so so so active before all this started... and since I live with a marathon runner... et cetera. But I need to remember not to compare myself to either my own past or to other people because that is SO not productive.)

The two things I'm dealing with right now with respect to my injury are: 1.) whether or not I should go pick up the antidepressant that my doc called in for me (as I know I can get through this without them, but it might be significantly easier with them). and 2.) I'm always so damn tired and dragging! I'm trying to figure out how much of that might be depression-related and how much of it is about my body using its energy for healing instead of for making me feel energetic. Also wondering if laying off the weight-lifting is something I need to do. (I hope not, because having at least that form of exercise has been the only thing keeping me sane!)
Eeek! I was totally supposed to come in here and give ya'll an update for kitten-but I haven't been at my computer since she asked me. I didn't forget, dear~just super busy! Happy to hear you are doing well and cheering for your speedy recovery! : )
octin- I understand why you would feel victiorius about riding a bike for 15 minutes even w/o resistance. It's progress! Celebration is damanded! After my surgery, I wasn't even able to open a child resistent pill bottle. It seems that all over body weakness is another thing that the doctors don't think to warn you about. So the first day I was able to do my own dishes was great. Even though it took about an hour and I had to lie down afterwards.
I am also celebrating not having to pee every hour on the hour. Happiness really comes from weird things.
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