OOH! I'm so glad to see this thread again! I wasn't sure whether or not to resurrect it (no pun intended), because of the other thread, but the other one is not really the flavour I'm looking for....
QUOTE(doodlebug @ Aug 29 2006, 04:24 PM)
I haven't come to terms with death and dying either. I'm struggling with my fear that there's nothing after this life. I don't want it to just end! At the same time, I think, well, maybe I'm depending on the idea of a next life as a salve to my fears of really living this one.
Feels egotistical to quote myself, but....WOW! How amazing to even find this quote! For those who don't know, about five months after I made that post, I almost DID die! And seriously, ever since then, I've been completely throwing myself into living - really living.
It's really strange, but when I was in the hospital, trying not to die, it never occured to me once - not once - to call on god or a higher power or any kind of supernatural entity to help me. I put all my faith in medical science, and my own will to live, to save me. And since then, I've become really comfortable calling myself agnostic. I don't know if I am agnostic, but I'm not really worried anymore about whether or not there is a god, or about what might or might not come after this life. It's like suddenly I'm not afraid of dying anymore - I'm afraid of dying without having lived the life I want to live.
Does that make any sense? I'm not trying to come down on religion or spirituality, but man, what a wake up call I had.
The thing is, I still consider myself a very spiritual person. I feel so fucking ALIVE these days. I feel like every atom in my being is vibrating with life. I feel connected with everything. I feel equal to everyone. I feel so happy and eager to embrace the day. And I'm hardly afraid to do anything anymore - my confidence in myself has grown eight million percent. Even though I am living a lifestyle that is kind of "regressive" for my supposed age (working 2 low-paying jobs for their flexibility and making music 'round the clock), I am finally living the life I WISHED I was living when I was still in my early twenties, but didn't have the guts to go after. And I've got music....do I ever have music.
Music, I think, has become my spirituality. I play guitar and sing, and write songs, and the songwriting has only come since nearly dying. In fact, the way I sing has only come since nearly dying. (Guitar is more a technical skill for me, that I only really started learning because I want to sing, but I am definitely becoming more "one" with the guitar - sometimes I can't keep the rhythm on the guitar if I'm not singing!) When I sing and play, I feel....I don't know how to explain this, but I definitely feel something that is not of this world. It's like being in a hypnotic trance. I totally lose myself, just like I hear about some people losing themselves in a "godly" experience. And I start channeling all this music, and my voice is just...wide open. Writing music - holy crap, I never thought that would happen, and I have no idea where it comes from, but it's just there. It's always there, in my head. It's like all these years, I've been looking for something to fill me up, and now I am completely filled up with music. I am filled with music when I walk around town, I am filled with it when I'm working - it even permeates my dreams. Often I don't even listen to music, because I'm so filled up with it already. I can't stop the music. My entire being is made of music.
Does this make any sense at all? I don't know where I'm going with this. I just had to post it.