Jun 23 2009, 07:36 PM
(((((thebeesknees))))) My condolences. The loss of a parent, especially so quickly (No time is ever enough.), can be so traumatic. Vent away, hon.
Jun 23 2009, 08:32 PM
I'm not saying there's a "best" way to die, but I do feel lucky that I got to be with him every day when he was sick, that I got to hold his hand while he slept and tell him I loved him 20 times a day. I wish I would have had texts saved from before he got sick. I have a good ten or so from when he was sick though, and they make me happy.
I was disappointed today to find out that the funeral home didn't take his thumbprints, especially after we talked to the guy about it at length [for a thumbie, which is a pendant with someone's thumbprint on it - some of you are probably familiar with these]. I'm going to try to find an alternate source for his thumbprint.
Something that I've noticed I do, and maybe it's my OCD at work, but I consciously and unconsciously count the days since his death. Has anyone ever caught themselves doing that? I keep thinking of it like someone in prison keeping track, or someone lost on an island. I guess that's how it feels. Even though I know it's not, it still feels like a punishment.
Thanks for the Bustie hugs
Jun 23 2009, 08:48 PM
Oh, honey! (((((TBK)))))
I didn't have the 'ship with my mom that you had with your dad, but the last three weeks I spent with her were the only few where we didn't fight for *years*. I made her baby tea, I bathed her/washed her hair, I massaged her swollen limbs, I made her nutritious food that I knew she'd eat all of & enjoy. We didn't talk a lot, but we got along better than we had in a long time.
I'm sure that there is a thumbprint out there for you somewhere, TBK. Birth, military, employment records, etc. should get you something. I actually looked into LifeGem until I realized how crazy expensive it was. There was something romantic about mixing my parents' carbon together to make a pendant or some such. Instead I have my father's wedding ring & a plate from my mother's arm on my keyring so they are close at all times. Morbid, I know, but oddly comforting.
The death OCD. The day before the service, I went through hundreds of pictures of my family/mother trying to find good ones to display. The one I liked the most was of my mother, grandparents & her brother who died in infancy. First I noted that everybody in the picture was dead & then started on the math of the ages, years, etc. Oddly, my end number was forty-two, which we all know is the meaning of life.
Anyway, you're probably gonna be keeping track of those numbers for awhile. I still do & it's been a year & a half.
Jun 23 2009, 08:57 PM
(I don't know what TBK is! Ummm...I'll google it!)
Your post made me cry. My friend lent me this book called Healing Foods, and I so naively thought we had a shot at this. I was so anxious for him to come home, so I could make him stuff to eat, but he didn't have much of an appetite. It made me so happy though when he'd eat ice cream with me or drink the veggies I juiced. I would've done that forever if I could have.
And I don't think that's morbid! Or maybe I'm a little morbid too. I'm keeping my eye out for a little container I can wear around my neck to keep some of his ashes in. I think that would probably flip some people out, but I just think it would be nice. For now, I sometimes have conversations with his urn. It helps, so I keep doing it. I've been trying to journal, but I've never been much for writing. Walking helps [but not when it's a hundred degrees out! Yuck!]
And I'm definitely going to look into tracking his print down through his military records. My only complaint with the birth records would be that the brochure said that baby prints are too smooth or whatever, so they generally shrink it down and use the handprint. So I shall persevere!
Jun 23 2009, 09:07 PM
Oh my crap...don't pay attention to me...I'm TBK...dur...
I'm not used to that yet [the whole acronym thing]. That, and I usually post under some variation of my name [Susie]...
I looked it up on urbandictionary.com and baffled myself. Some of the results were pretty funny though
*smacks head repeatedly*
Jun 23 2009, 09:29 PM
Sorry, TBK, I'm lazy & TheBeesKnees is long! Auralpoison is long enough, so I'm usually just AP. There's also AmazonPrincess, who sometimes gets called AP & I get confused. Sorry! There's a gal called something like Annabananahannahmontana that's mindboggler to type!
I wasn't trying to make you cry, but I'm not gonna fault you for doing so. Tears are healthy. Our stories are different, but you did what you could to try to help. Crying is natural.
For some background, I'd already been through this with my mom a few years before she died. I naively thought I could get her through it *again* via healthy food & exercise. I walked into taking care of her again sure that I could work the same regime & get her healthy. I didn't realize that she'd strayed so far that it was a complete & total impossiblity. This is why it was such a hard kick in the teeth to take. I really thought we could do it again. I was wrong.
Look into perfume pendants if you want to keep him close. I used to wear a bit of my father around my neck in a sterling silver ovoid pendant. A tiny funnel, some cremains, & bam! You've got somebody physically near your heart forever. Also, because my father chose cremation, I purchased seven colorful Indian cut-glass bottles & gave an ounce of him to his parents/siblings because there was no stone for them to visit. I sealed them with wax & they all hold places of honor in their homes.
Jun 24 2009, 03:38 PM
TBK, yeah, I think it is part of the grieving process regarding counting the days since the burial or saving txts. When my good friend passed away (we were roommates also), the moving of his things and eventually moving out myself were totally traumatic for me. It was hard to hear some songs or artists that I knew he liked because they reminded me of him which would lead me to cry. As the date got closer to his actual passing 1 year later, I was a wreck. I didn't expect his death to impact me so much.
So, I guess I would encourage you to take things one day at a time and seek the support and love of your friends and family through all of this. (((TBK)))
Jun 28 2009, 07:06 PM
Thank you lovely ladies Don't mean to bump the thread, just wanted to say that.
Jul 13 2009, 05:20 PM
Okay...so I hope I'm not a huge jerk for bumping this thread, but I have another question, and this unfortunately seems like the most appropriate venue for it. I was wondering if any Busties have any experience with will situations? Basically any whatsoever. I'm curious because of the situation I'm in with my father having passed away. I'm uncomfortable with the changes that were made when he was heavily medicated [basically our stepmom of 4 years got everything, my sister and I are intended to get half when she passes away, but she's guarded with what information she'll share and gets defensive when it comes up, etc.]. I battle with feelings of guilt, thinking I must be greedy to even question things...and then I flip to the gut feeling that it's just not right. Any advice ladies? :/
Jul 15 2009, 11:32 AM
Um, the whole will thing is uncomfortable, but necessary. My father had one, my mother didn't & it's been a hell of a hassle without one. You have EVERY right to see the will, he was your father. It's not greed, it's seeing to his legacy. You also have every right to contest it if you think it was changed under duress. It should be filed with your local county, so you should be able to get a copy there if she's unwilling to share the information with you. Her not being willing to share/being defensive makes me suspicious, so I'd probably make an appoinment with an attorney when you do get a copy.
Jul 15 2009, 04:12 PM
She actually let us see it, but wouldn't allow us to copy it :/ It's just frustrating, because I don't really have much left over [emotionally, financially, etc.] for something of this magnitude, but my gut is telling me that my dad would not have wanted this, and the conditions the will were written under makes me feel he was taken advantage of. She was incredibly angry in the beginning, and defensive, insulting [I'm not sure I was a peach, but I tried to not hit below the belt]; ever since however, she's been really nice. She texts us, wants to go out to eat with us. But it's like...hang on a second...you're sitting her calling me names and screwing me over, and now you're gonna be my best buddy?! I talked to one lawyer, and he was saying how it could cost about 5 grand to go through the whole process and I could end up getting nothing. Which is really daunting, to say the least. He seemed very informative, but I'm a total laymen, and he was using terms I'm unfamiliar with. One of my sister's acquaintances is a [young] lawyer, and he's supposed to talk to me sometime this week and give me some advice based off what he knows thus far. I don't want a war; I just want what my dad would have wanted.
Aug 3 2009, 04:41 PM
Today was the end of a long hot holiday weekend by myself and I started listening to a Nina Simone album which reminds me of the things me and my sister used to enjoy together, good thoughts, but the line of that only ever leads to the night when cops were at our dining room table, telling me and my mother that she had been found in a park in the suburbs hanging from a rope. What I feel stops being about me and her or even about her at all because she's dead and doesn't care, but I care. all the time and too much. I miss her so much.
Aug 3 2009, 05:17 PM
Aug 3 2009, 07:17 PM
Aug 8 2009, 12:57 PM
Aug 8 2009, 04:35 PM
Aug 19 2009, 11:23 PM
I am now officially alone in my abode. In yet another devastating life or death blow, Yoshimi shuffled off this mortal coil tonight. They coudn't find anything wrong, I think he died of a broken heart.
Aug 19 2009, 11:40 PM
Aug 20 2009, 01:11 AM
sorry I'm so new I don't know if I have earned the right to do this but
Aug 20 2009, 10:05 AM
We're in to what is probably the last few days for my uncle. He's been incredibly strong these last couple of months but he looks like a skeleton now. His hands are white and covered in sores and he's in so much pain the hospice is just keeping him sedated. He stopped eating and is drinking a sip or two a day but the nurses said it could be any day - however they also said they've seen people hold on for a couple of weeks in this state. I feel horrible for my cousin (her dad) and my nana (who is 91 but all there in the head). It's hard on my mom too and it feels like everyone is just waiting. Like my grandma, I wish he could just let go, but he's only 63 and isn't ready. It's so hard to watch. Harder than my grandma because she was 82 and it was time. This feels too soon.
Aug 20 2009, 11:04 AM
Aug 20 2009, 11:58 AM
(((((Ketto))))) I know this has been going on for you for a (lightning quick, but awful) while now & that you've been watching the sad process of a loved one dying. It's horrible & it's hard, be glad that your family is there & that you're going through this together.
And thanks, guys. I appreciate it even though I'm just whining about a damned cat.
Aug 20 2009, 01:01 PM
(((AP)))) Grieving for a damned cat can hurt just as much as grieving for a family member. Especially when they've been a family member and not just a pet.
Aug 20 2009, 02:01 PM
(((AP))) pets are family members too. It still hurts to lose them.
(((ketto))) I'm sorry your family is going through this.
Aug 20 2009, 02:51 PM
AP, my cat is 16 and looking her age so thinking about her dying really freaks me out. She's been with me since I was 8. Last night I dreamed that she was run over by a neighbour and when I woke up my pillow was wet and I was crying. Pets are family too and it hurts just as much to lose them.
Thanks for all the kind words. It has been a long haul. We went through a very similar deterioration of my grandma 3 years ago at the same time of year so it kind of feels like 'here we go again'.
August 23rd is the day my granddad (my uncle's father) passed away in 1992. I won't be surprised if my uncle goes on Sunday.
Aug 27 2009, 04:16 PM
This last stretch is awful, for everyone involved. On Tuesday the hospice staff told us my uncle would go at anytime. He certainly looked like it and we all gathered, but he's hung on still. He's very heavily sedated but today he woke up a bit and said to my mom "help me". He's like a skeleton. He hasn't had any water since Sunday.
On Tuesday my cousin (who lives out of town and hasn't been able to see him too often) said she thought he was ready to go. I didn't say anything but I sure as hell don't think he is. I think he's fighting with all his might because he's terrified. He's only 63 and he's had such a hard life. That's one of the hardest parts of watching him go through this. He's not ready. When my grandma went she was 82 and it felt like she was ready, there was no fight in her, it was peaceful. This is pain.
I feel so awful for my other cousin, his daughter. She's had it rough all her life, taking care of her brother who is developmentally disabled and dealing with a mom with severe mental problems and my uncle who's had drug issues. She's not doing well at all. I feel even worse for my nana because she's 91 and didn't want to live to see this. On Sunday (the day my granddad died in 1992) she went to a little memorial thing where my granddad's name is and touched his name and said, "James, you've got to help your son."
I just wish he could let go.
Sep 1 2009, 11:59 PM
So, I just had a dream with my good friend who passed away little over 2 years ago. I was in my room and I remember laughing and seeing him there. He was making me laughed like he always did. Then, I remember him being a little blurry and moving closer, wondering if I could touch him. Next thing I knew, he was holding my hands and I swear it felt so real. I never saw his face, but, I could feel him there. I just remember having my head down, crying really hard, and holding his hands. It was a good feeling to touch him in my dream. And, I thought I felt a tear fall on my head like maybe he missed me.
I woke up and was alittle freaked out. Definitely anxious. Then, I've started crying and the tears haven't stopped. I really need to go back to sleep since I have work in a couple of hours. Damn. This dream was so out of left field. And it just reminded me how much I miss him and still grieve the loss of him in my world.
Sep 2 2009, 12:50 AM
(((((Stargazer)))))) How dreadful! I would make you some tea & rub your tummy until you went back to sleep.
Ketto, when my maternal gran (Round the same age as your uncle, cancer of the bowels that spread.) finally passed? She had a helping hand. She was basically begging to be free & cried for help every lucid few moments she had. They chose to keep her at home, they discussed it, & her hospice worker basically OD'd her on the powerful opiates she was on. Not on the up & up medically, but in the long run it saved everybody a lot of pain, *especially* my gran.
Sep 2 2009, 07:27 PM
Well, he finally passed today around 12:15. My best friend works with me but we're usually at different locations. Today we happened to be at the same one. Her Grandma is in the same Hospice but not at the same stage of cancer. We spent the lunch hour talking about my uncle and her grandma. We were just about to go into staff meeting when I saw there was a call from home. I called my younger brother and he told me. I'm really grateful that my friend was there because I got off the phone, grabbed a kleenex and burst into tears and she just hugged me and held me. Another co-worker realized what happened and she came and gave me a hug and told me to go home right away and don't worry about the rest of the week.
Today has been kind of a blur. My mom was shopping at the mall and doesn't have a cell phone, but I know where she usually parks so I managed to drive to the mall and find her right away and then we both went to get my aunt from work. We all went to the hospice with my aunt, mom, dad, older brother, and cousin (my uncle's daughter). When my mom and I walked in the door of the hospice a volunteer was waiting and he just hugged my mom and held her and said that he was with my uncle when he passed and it was very peaceful. The Chaplain came and said some kind words and then a bunch of my relatives came to our place for dinner. So exhausting.
It was such a long process and he deserved to let go. I'm glad he was finally able to. We stopped by at 8:30 last night and his breathing was quite laboured so I figured today was the day. A lot of mixed emotions going on right now.
Sep 2 2009, 08:15 PM
((ketto & family)) I'm glad he's finally at peace.
((stargazer)) Sweet dreams, tonight.
Sep 3 2009, 06:09 AM
(((Ketto and family)))) I am glad he passed peacefully. Take care (((you)))
SG, that's some dream/experience. Hope last night was more tranquil.
Sep 13 2009, 02:14 PM
((((stargazer)))) It felt like he was visiting you, and was a reminder of how much he loved you, and letting you know that he's OK. I hope you have peaceful dreams tonight.
(((ketto))) I'm glad your uncle is released from his pain and can be at peace. And your note about your grandmother speaking to her husband almost made me tear up.
Jan 13 2010, 09:38 PM
My brother's girlfriend was diagnosed with cancer in early 2009, and she went through chemotherapy. We were told it was considered terminal on Boxing Day, and that she has about a month to live now. This is the first time in my adult life that I'll have to deal with death of someone I see often, and all the emotions that my brother will be having too. My brother is only 37 and his girlfriend is just a few years older than him. She's much, much too young to be dying.
She was brought home yesterday. Today I had to go buy her some comfortable clothes to wear while she visits her family on the weekend. I felt awful, like I was going to burst out crying at any moment while holding up shirts and thinking, "Is this comfortable enough? Is this what someone is going to wear the last time they see their famly?".
It feels like a horrible dream. It really doesn't even feel real.
Jan 14 2010, 04:15 AM
(((((Foryoursplendor))))) I cannot even begin to imagine how hard this is for you. Much love.
Jan 14 2010, 12:02 PM
Watching someone you're close to go through something like that is so hard, but it's even harder when she's so young. Having recently gone through the death of my uncle due to cancer, I know how helpless it feels. I wish there was some advice I could offer but it sounds like you're an amazing support for your brother and his partner.
Jan 14 2010, 12:08 PM
Jan 14 2010, 08:41 PM
Jan 14 2010, 11:44 PM
Jan 22 2010, 07:52 PM
Wow, thanks for all the well wishes. I wasn't expecting so many! You guys are awesome.
Feb 2 2010, 04:25 PM
So, she died this morning. She'd been sedated since last week. I feel weird, and foggy. I went to work today and was trying to decide if I should stay or come home. I stayed for a few hours, and I'm going to try to hang out with some friends tonight. I don't feel like being alone right now.
Feb 2 2010, 04:42 PM
Feb 2 2010, 05:28 PM
(((foryoursplendor))) Make sure to take care of yourself however it feels best for you.
Feb 3 2010, 11:00 AM
Jun 10 2010, 12:47 AM
((((Foryoursplendour)))) How are things?
Not someone I loved, but someone I knew and went to school with for years, committed suicide in December. I'm so out of touch with my old high school crowd that I didn't even find out until a few weeks ago. I was still vague on the details until this morning, though, when I had coffee with an old friend from school. It turns out that he was the subject of a particularly gruesome news story I kept hearing about on the radio all winter. I woke up every morning to news updates about the guy and had no idea. They never released his identity to the public. We didn't know each other well, but we were in the same program, so we were always in the same classes and had the same friends. I always had a crush on him, but he was so out of my league it was just peripheral, a diversion, like having a crush on a celebrity. This dynamic, outgoing, talented, charming, gorgeous, confident guy, the guy everyone liked, who always had something funny to say, who never lost his composure....apparently he was bipolar, not coping well. He doused himself with gasoline and torched himself in the hospital parking lot.
Jul 7 2010, 05:56 PM
I was thinking today how soft and privileged my life must be, because I still have a lot of problems accepting the concept of "never" like, never again.