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Full Version: Ack! The what do I want to do with my life thread! Finding your passions for career and otherwise.
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This thread is for the unlucky ones that don't know what it is they want to do. Gather around, and share the frustration. You see, this is for life period.

Career wise, I havn't a clue, but I know that I do not want to work for the government my whole life. I know that I want an exciting career doing something that challenges me and gives me a sense of personal freedom.

Life wise, not sure, still young, do I want to get married, and have kids, and if so, how would that impact my career search? Then, I have fantasies of being a housewife, as does my boyfriend. But then, when I am sick, and I have to stay home for three days I get cabin fever like you wouldn't believe. So, I dont know, I just dont know.

I am actively searching, and making decisions.

I want to hear from other busties having these dilemas, if there are any?

Yeah, I have no clue. I wanted to be a social worker/therapist, got my master's, worked for a while, left the field. Now I'm in research, which is ok but not like so amazing or anything. I have no idea what I'd want to do for a living.

I know I don't want kids, I know I want to own a house eventually, but other than that, I really don't know what the hell to do with my life.

I don't feel like I have a sense of purpose or meaning in my life. I feel like I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I see other people who are just living and seem to be ok with that. I feel like I need some path to be on or something, instead of just floating around living.

I'm happy for this thread, I could go on and on:-)
Oh I hear you maddy29, I went back to school last year to get my master's in psychology, MFT. After about a month & a half I withdrew from the program because it was too regimented (the program required too much in a short period of time) for my full time work schedule. But also, I realized that I wasn't sure if I wanted to actually do that kind of work. I mean, I love helping people to empower themselves, but I don't want to be depleted emotionally and energetically to the point where there is nothing left for me to feel empowered in my own life. It's a draining field. I think I made the right decision, but what to do now.

Part of my problem is I am an artist. But I have major creative blocks. I am stoic (sp?) and very uncomfortable around large groups of people, so even though what I desire is to be working with people doing creative things that challenges our sense of reality as a culture and individually---->making that leap is boggling.
yep. i'm lost... can't help but feel like college was a waste of time. graduated 6 months ago & i'm still working in a coffee shop. (incidentally the same job i had in high school/first year of college - it seems like i'm back where i started). i've been applying for everything that's not sales. my hope is if i get some steady income i'll have time to figure out where i'm going, but i'm not hearing back from prospective employers. i got a rejection letter about a week ago. actually felt really good... some response means my resumes aren't stuck in some dark cold void.
i'm definitely lost, but i seem to find comfort in stressing myself out about it. got a degree in anthropology and worked at a museum for awhile but that ended...moved around for a bit and now i'm doing prereqs for nursing. i never know if i'm making the right decision, but i figure it's better than no decision at all...

i feel like i have a lot of passions, but i find difficulty in expressing them lately (namely, since college...) i love writing, photography, health, and travel. i was just never one of those people that always knew what they wanted to do with their lives. i feel i'm more of a jill-of-all-trades/master of none.

last year, i bottomed out with depression over it and just decided to pursue something at which i can make a living, would find some level of joy in and that would free me up to do all the other things i do like/care about - writing, traveling, photography.

i hope i stick with it...
Good for you opossum, i also feel like deciding on something is better than no decision at all. At least that way, there's movement and a sense of agency. I don't know.

I have some interests, I wouldn't call them passions; painting, writing, owning my own business, traveling, taking care of myself: body, mind, emotion, and spirit.
I have climbed so many hills and mountains in my life. Growing up, the career thing wasn't really discussed in my family. I know, now, that this contributes to my ambiguity around career choice. I am not content to just stay at this good government job. I want to turn my interests into full fledged passions. So, I've decided to write about something everyday. To really focus on loving myself and working out everyday and sleeping enough. I am giving myself two years to find another source of income, I want the same pay or higher. I have to believe that I am own the right track or path, I have to believe that if I take some action, opportunities will present themselves. Hang in there ladies, it's one day at a time!
I'm in the same boat!
I'm glad that we have this group here to talk about this.
I have a bachelor's degree, as well as a degree in Education. I've been out of school for a year, and I'm unemployed, and I feel like such a sludge. I'm beginning to think about going to college and try something else. My 5 years in University have gotten me nothing. It's so frustrating.
The politics involved in School Boards, and unions and everything is really making me think twice about being a teacher.
My husband and I also want to have kids soon, and maybe move, but we can't do it right now on his income. I can't have kids until I am able to get maternity leave, we can't move until I have a job, we can't even insure our second car until I have a job. So, it seems that I need to get a job. If I went back to school, it would be at least, 3 years before we'll be in the position to have kids.
AND, i've been totally depressed sitting at home stewing about all of this! UGH!
yes! I can so commiserate. A friend and I were discussing this last night, actually. It is so hard to know what to do. When I think of all the possible careers out there, I am left feeling overwhelmed.

I went to graduate school & got a MA in sociology. Have been working for the state government for 5 years doing research. First housing research, then governmental research. Ho hum. Hence Masters #2. I'm now about a year and a half into a MA of counseling program. I am enjoying the program, though that is no guarantee that I'll like the work. That is interesting that two of you on here were doing similar work or on the path to doing it. I am hoping I like it. I just know I'm tired of desk work.
hummmingbird- yep, that's pretty much what happened to me. I burned out in record time-just about 1.5 years:-) I was also going through realllly bad depression ptsd and stuff of my own, and I just felt hopeless about helping myself, much less other people. And yes, it is a very draining job, especially if you really care. I'm just not tough enough to be a therapist. Sometimes I see myself doing something like that when I'm much older-like 50+.

I'm in a research desk job. It's a decent job, not great but it'll look good on the resume and I'll have great refs and stuff. It's really easy and chill and laid back, which is great. I'm kinda over the whole "i have to have a job that is meaningful" thing, becuase I see so many people who work some boring job but then do awesome stuff in their time off.

I feel really strongly about helping people, that the world needs to change, etc. But, do I help people anymore? No. All I do is online activism voting and personal stuff. I don't volunteer or anything. I don't know if I'm just lazy, but I feel soooo guilty about not helping the world.

This is one thing I've been struggling with but am not sure I can quite express in words. I feel like I "should" be doing things that I'm not-mostly giving back/helping others/changing the world. But, I also know that I'm still slowly working my way back into living a life that isn't just depression and pain.

Glad you are all here:-)
heh. another anthropologist here. any girls reading this if you are an undecided college student STUDY SCIENCE! ANY FIELD! :P

i always though i would go to grad school and be uh archaelalagist... but i really didn't have a good experience at this university... grades were good, but my experience at the institution has given me a pretty dark view on the role of privilege in education in this country.

in the back of my mind, i keep thinking about studying nursing or medicine... but i'm mostly occupied by finding something that pays me enough to move into my own apartment.
I envy all you people who have degrees! I never went to college because I nearly failed high school and didn't like any of the majors in the local JC. So I just didn't go.

I think I've resigned myself to the fact that I am lazy and uninterested in life and will never have a "good" job that I love or even like. That is why I should win the lottery.
I was going to ask about starting this thread!

So I've been majoring in Ceramics for the past 2 years. I got into 2 of the best art schools to finish my degree, and I got really big scholarships. I started to think that I was just proving my point with art school. Sure, I'm good at it I guess, but where is it ever going to get me? I called them and told them both that I was no longer interested in attending their schools and applied elsewhere. Today I began my veterinarian internship. I actually really enjoyed it. I guess I'll just see if I can get into vet school in the next 2 years....?
So, three years ago when I finished up with my undergraduate education with a degree in Sociology, I needed a job that would sustain me. I found one! It's been grueling because the training was like 1 1/2 years. Some of the people are extremely ghetto. The environment is full of worker bee drones. But, I get to come in whenever I like from 6 to 9:30 am. Leave is awesome! The atmosphere is laid back. I am a cubicle monkey, but I get to post on Bust when I am feeling it.

I want more than security though...
gardnerella- i have degrees, but i am just lazy too. i mean somehow i worked through those, but now i just don't care so much about thinking or being smart or anything. i'd rather have fun, just chill out, then have some stressful job with tons o' responsibities.
I am lazy too! I just realized this over the course of last weekend. Lazy!

gardnerella, it's never to late to go back to school or start your own business or anything.
mumblestutter...please tell me you are kidding telling people to study science! It is one of the worst paying fields; I have a biotech degree and going back to school to become a writer (which should give you an idea of how much the pay in science sucks!).
i have a social work degree - and worked in the child protection field for a couple of years until i started burning out...and am now back in school studying massage therapy (which i am really liking).
but i worry that i won't be able to find full-time work when i'm finished school and that i'll be stuck working a few part-time jobs to make ends meet.
i hate not having a full-time job and being able to save up to buy a house, etc...hopefully one day...
lol:-) i AM lazy, and why is that suuuuch a bad thing? i like a quiet slow paced life. i've lived the higher paced stressful life being busy all the time, and it just sucked the life outta me. now i'm very miserly with who/what i expend my energy on.

is that true about science? what about say, chemistry? my mom's dream was that i'd do that, or be some type of engineer. i'd love to tell her they don't make much. i bet engineers do though, right?

my poor mom, she's got one brilliant daughter who is a stay at home mom, and one daughter who is a lazy pothead slacker (me). my mom has a career, worked my whole life, and raised us pretty dang awesomely. she had grand dreams for us, lol. now she just wants us to be happy though.
i think being happy is the most important thing in all this - of course, it's important to be able to support yourself, too.
i am very much liking the quiet slow paced life, and i consider myself to be in the lazy camp, as least right now for the summer...
but house chores call, so i better get my lazy ass in gear before the day wastes away.
No, being lazy and slowing down to enjoy life is not bad (although having balance is important). I live in a place where lot's of people are doing doing doing all the time and if your not they try and make you feel like some kinda loser.
well well count me in!

i have a double degree in English Lit and Communications, currently work in retail management, and have NO idea where to go/what to do next.

i do have passions, but they aren't financial viable career options. which is why i chose a career in retail - at least the flexible hours allow me to perform and be involved in live entertainment.

i wonder about my future, though -- things are OK right now, but what about 10 years from now? will i have the energy to work retail in 20 years? the hours make it tough to have a remotely "normal" schedule.

sigh. i would love to go back to school and get my MA -- but in what? English Lit? Linguistics? and then what? do i get stuck teaching? i feel like all the subjects i excel at in school are pointless career choices.

i feel like a flake most of the time -- i've thought about going to massage therapy school, but worry about getting a job. i've even thought about going to cosmotology (sp?) school and going into hair/makeup -- but i worry that i might be too old to start at the bottom at a salon as a shampoo girl or hair-sweeper.


we should all win the lotto :-O
Count me in ladies... I too have a degree in English/Art History (that song from Ave Q pops in my head--What do you do with a BA in English) presently working in the communications field for Dept/Labor. I'm basically back to customer service rep, which I hate. But, it pays the bills. I'm just so happy to be in a company that has nice benefits...

I'd love to go back to school, but to get a degree in what? Teach? I hate kids. Ugh.

Le Sigh.
hehe, I love Avenue Q. i too have a BA in English and piano performance, also just got my music history master's. but basically am really burnt out on school and the subject, don't want to teach, so am stopping while i'm ahead i guess. it's weird, i thought all my life I'd be a professor and now I'm having to readjust my thinking. i have an IT job lined up but am worried it will be somewhat soul-sucking. at least it will pay the bills i guess.
Well I majored in music and work in PR/Marketing...I guess it's more related than I originally thought, but I like it a lot better than being a starving musician! I agree with nightswimmer, you just get burned out after awhile.
Hey guys, I am so there with most of you too. I have a job, just got another one for more money, so in terms of money thats stable, but i know that if i dont eventually break away and do what i really want (which i am not entirely sure about but is deifnitly not this field) then i will have wasted my true calling and intelligence.

graduating college was the hardest thing i have ever done, and i feel like my best years are behind me. i dont know if i want kids or to get married, but i know those things wont be nearly as carefree and as fun as college was.

does anyone else sometimes just feel like the best option would be to quit everything, move to fiji or some other exotic locale, and be a bartender/beach bum/ surfer? because i feel like i consider that as an option way too often
katiebelle2882, when do we leave?!
hummingbird, even see blue crush? stupid movie by all accounts, except the life those girls lead would just be fucking AMAZING. we could work in a hotel as bartenders, live right on the beach in some little hut, and surf ALL the time. man, ok, wanna leave now?
Count me in gals! :-)
Well, I've applied for 26 teaching jobs so far, so we'll see what happens. I applied for about that many last year, and I had one interview. Soooo... Hopefully I'll find out if teaching is really what I want to do.
I think what I want to do is try this networking marketing company, being an independent consultant where I would basically be selling their products to people, and signing them up if they wanted to sell to (whereby I would get 4% of whatever they sell). Email me if you ladies want more details.

But also, my bf is going to start buying and selling houses. I want to do this with him after he does a few by himself.

And, I want to try to learn how to make t-shirts.

And finally, I need to write everyday.

If only, I could just focus on these things without having to deal with life, I could prolly do it easy. And if I didn't get my period every month I would prolly not cry so much trying to get new things going.
please dont blame it on your perioud. that is the excuse evey guy uses for why women are too emotional to be trusted with every little thing.
katiebelle2882, I was kinda joking although when my hormones are constantly readjusting themselves every two weeks, it does make me a little more emotional than my boyfriend, but thank god he's a good one because he would never say that I was too emotional to be trusted or anything like that.
Great idea for a thread. My situation is I've been at my healthcare administration job for six years. I'm applying for jobs in another state because I want to relocate, but I really don't know what to apply for. I have an associates, but never got my bachelors. I am seeing so many ads that say you must have a bachelors, what happened to work experience counting for something? Anyways my sister and husband both have creative talents, writing and drawing. I don't have any specific talent except maybe negotiating. My passion is politics and social issues, but I also don't want to make a low salary.
I'm in a weird place too. I took a year and a half off of high school, then started going to community college. I have no idea what I want to do with my life! As in NO IDEA. I work at a gas station and despise the job most of the time because of the customers but I need the flexible schedule for school. Even though I don't know what I want to do I figured I might as well keep taking different classes since financial aid covers it (but doesn't cover enough of a 4-year) and I like school anyway. I'm sure I'll be glad I've gotten a lot of core classes out of the way once I finally do realize what I want to do.

I'm also trying to get myself out of my mom's house on my gas station wages. And how will I afford school when I transfer? I don't want to graduate into a ton of debt from student loans. Plus the community college is the only place within reasonable distance so if I transfer to a 4-year I'll have to move anyway.

I know I can do things slowly and the smart way but I can't help feeling that it would be so much easier if I knew what I was slowly moving TOWARD. Then there's the added pressure from family. I always got good grades and did well in school and I still do; was in the gifted programs and all that; and they all think that I'm really smart, but I really don't think I am, at all. I feel fake or something. And my mother, who never went to college, has deluded herself into thinking that all I have to do is "go to college (like it's comparable to taking out the trash or washing dishes)," graduate, and the next day a high-paying job will fall into my lap and I'll be able to support her for the rest of her life and buy her a new house. I already go to school and work full time and it can be pretty draining. It's frustrating getting crap from someone who has no appreciation for the nuances of the situation and acts like it's so simple and easy.

Sorry I wrote a book, but I've been stressed out about this for a while and writing about it has been cathartic.
hellotampon, I hear you. That's why I wanted to get this thread started because actually writing about it, having other people read it, giving and getting feed back, and others writing their own stories has really REALLY been helping me. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. It can be hard blindly moving down the dark tunnel, when we havn't even a match to help light the way, but somethings got to provide the light whether it be a friend or the light from inside.

I just realized one of my passions...advocacy for women...decreasing the violence against women and girls...empowering women...I would love to do this for a living...I would love to do advocacy and healing work with incarcerated women...what have I been thinking and doing...oh yeah...healing to get there and make a living...that's where faith comes in and action, of course and seizing opportunity...
From this kind of work I want creative work to spring. Women's stories...Empowerment through Art. Gosh! I am excited just thinking about doing this kind of work. I have to make it happen.

Also, ladies, I am all over the place with this thread, I am sooooooo trying to figure this out.
I want to create a life that is fulfilling and filled with passion and desire and love and one where I don't have to go to a 9 to 5 to do mind numbing or backbreaking work where I have to be involved with people that are making this world worse be being ignorant.
"I just realized one of my passions...advocacy for women...decreasing the violence against women and girls...empowering women...I would love to do this for a living..."
This is how I feel now too! Or some kind of advocate for children who are involved in the court system, or something like that. I have a bachelor's degree, as well as an education degree. I just feel like I went in the wrong direction. I wasn't too sure what I wanted to do, and now I think I do, and I feel like I screwed up. Who knows...
Yeah, women's issues is a major thing with me. I totally forgot until recently that I CAN major in women's studies. I'm not totally sure what I'd want to channel it into though. I did just join a women's studies research collective and I'm going to be presenting on microbicides at a conference in October. Maybe along the way something will jump out at me.

I've also dabbled with the idea of linguistics- for a while that's what I told people I was going to major in- but that really just meant I wanted to stay in school forever and study dead languages. Not too realistic.

And I've thought about natural medicine or something along those lines but I've never considered myself a "science person." I'm pretty good at science and math and I've always liked biology but my favorite subjects have always been English and history. I LOVE writing, especially newswriting, and I'm exceptionally good at it. I've been told this by every teacher I've ever had. I took journalism and publications classes in high school and did the school newspaper and yearbook and liked it. It seems like that's my obvious passion. But I don't think I would fit in that career. Reading the article about fashion writers in the last issue of Bitch really reinforced that for me- I don't have the personality for it.

Hmmm. Once again, I have written a huge post.
I'm starting my fourth year of university as a sociology/women's studies major, going for a double 4-year BA, and i'm so freaked out about what i'm gonna end up doing. I'm really thankful that I've got my foot in the door working in a great Women's Resource Centre, but I don't know if a centre like the one I'm at is where I see myself in the future.

I have absolutly zero doubts about my majors, and i'm thankful for that, it's just the jobs in the future that scare me. I feel like I can't picture that perfect job. Ahh! I'm not even 21 yet.

I think the other thing that freaks me out is really how close I'm getting to graduating now.
hellotampon, you sound like you are on the right track... my sister dropped out of high school, went to community college getting her ged along the way. Now she's finishing up her first year at a university. so... just saying, it *is* possible.

i just graduated from university after going to community college. i would say don't worry about how much a university will cost. you're saving alot of money at the community college. take your time and explore your interests there. then transfer & take out all the loans you want knowing that you have saved about 20 thousand dollars by shaving about 2 years off the time you spend at a university
A while ago,I dropped out of college and was planning on taking a year or so off to figure out what I wanted to do. I got a job at an insurance company, and I've been with them for over two years. They paid for me to get my insurance license in every state (except nj) to sell and write personal lines for auto & home, but I'm now thinking about going back to school for marketing, which they'll pay for.

Does anyone know from experience, how difficult it might be to go back to school after a few years and to work full time still? I don't know if I'm prepared for the work :-(
Yeah, working full time and going back to school full time, it's like-kiss your life good bye...

School...I don't think I will be returning...unless I really have to...
cstar124, if your company is willing to pay for it, there are great schools that are geared towards business people getting a degree (and not the trade-school/DeVry types!). Around here there is one called Baker University, which from my understanding is one of the top business schools around (they have marketing degrees and such). These type of schools have non-traditional schedules, because they expect you to be working full time at a "real" job. Baker generally does one class at a time for 4-6 weeks at night, but they go year round so it doesn't take longer to finish than at a more traditional 4-year, and they use whatever credits they can that you've already taken from before.

I personally dropped out after a year when I went to uni straight out of high school, started cooking in restaurants, went to chef school but dropped out before I finished, and now have a reg. corporate-type job that is paying for school. Because I'm not getting a degree that relates to business at all, I have to attend a traditionally-semestered college, and it's so much harder because they are not geared for students to be working full time, and expect you to be able to do stuff during working hours and have all sorts of time available. Suck! One of my co-workers is graduating from Baker, and I've been so jealous she has been able to work/finish her degree no problem, where I have to explain to every new prof. that I work 40 hrs/week during the day and cannot meet up or do crap M-F 9-5 without very very advance notice. Meh.

my current job does not actually know that I'm not getting a business degree, I'm officially getting an Associate's that I've given the impression I'll apply towards Business, so my major-specific classes are paid for by me.
I hope it's ok to post here. I thought there was a topic somewhere about the glamour industry but I can not find it. I am tryyying to make a career change from graphics designer/production manager to hair styling which might sound silly but it's what I want to do. I'm actually a finalist in a scholarship competition at a major cosmetology school and need a model for the final leg of it! (I have to give someone a style make over from head to toe w/o cutting or cloring hair). I was wondering if any one has ever tried anything like this and has any pointers? I was wondering if anyone has ever had to get a model before (I'm afraid I have to hire someone since my friends seem unreliable these days). I was wondering if anyone in NYC might want to volunteer? This is all a long shot since I am a total amature (I have never given anyone a makeover and, in fact, look pretty sloppy in an "arty way", ha ha) but..By the way, I am turning 35 this year and have no savings so this competition may really help propell me into a new career. If I don't win, I may take out loans to go to school. I hear a lot of you frustrated with where you are and I totally understand. But I figure life is short and at some point, you have to bite the bullet (nervous knots in my stomache!!!!!)
Caroline I hope you've found someone!

A (tiny) seed has been planted in me to possibly go into physical therapy. I am currently a licensed massage therapist and I don't know if it is what I hoped it would be.

After doing a little research, I found out that I need a bachelor's degree to get into a physical therapy program. I never went to a 4 year university or took any gen ed after high school. The idea of doing this is daunting, but it's the only way I can get into physical therapy. As I said, it's only a tiny seed, but I don't want to let go of it before I've examined all my options. I have no idea where to go right now-where do I find one of those career counselors??
Volunteer work is a good place to start when considering other careers. You can talk to people who work in your area of interest and get the real scoop! Much better than committing to a program w/o having much knowledge of the work involved or even if you will like the work!
I don't know why I haven't posted in here and I'm sorry for my first post being self-centered and ignoring everyone else but i really need to get this out.

I took my A-levels in all science subjects and I am due to start a biology degree in september but it isn't what I want to do. I want to do a humanities degree of some sort but I don't have the qualifications to do one and I am too worried about this to tell my mum i don't want to go to uni (yet).

Also I feel I have no talent. Jack of all trades and all that. I'd love to be artistic or a brilliant writer but I don't feel I'm that good and I feel like I can't decide what I want to do until I've found my talent, but then how long is that going to take?

I'd like to work in an art gallery, or a feminist none profit organisation, or own a business or be a body piercer or something but not the usual! And it is stressing me out beyond belief.

I hate it. I just want to know what I want to do! Argh! *tears hair out*

(((punker))) Have you tried ringing universities? Try the department for the course you want to do, and speak to the course director. Explain yourself - and if nothing else, they will tell you what you need to do. Have you thought about doing an intensive a-level course or night courses? I'm not much help, but ime if you show enough enthusiasm you stand a fair chance. Do you know what course you want to do - do they do it at your uni and could you transfer? There honestly is no real point in doing a degree you don't want to do. *sudden idea* apprentiships - depending on what you want to do. Or even an open university course.

but you're not to be down on yourself. it does take ages to discover what you want, and no matter how sure you are, you're allowed to change your mind, as often as you want. And I'm fairly certain you do have talent.
I am 28 and work at a not for profit. While my job so far is the best one I have had yet it is certanly also the least paying.

My point? Follow your passion but be ready for it not to pay well at least not in the begining.

I had a job where I was making 35,000 a year and I hated every second of it.

Now I make barely 8,000 a year but I feel like I have flexibility and I actually help people. Which in a way is enough payment, but that may just be me.

The only problem is I don't know what course I want to do instead which mkaes it sound even more flaky just to drop out. Also I'm really scared of telling my mum. How pathetic is that??

I have been thinking of history of art with philosophy but then I just think - "And what exactly is that going to lead me to?"

(((Mornington))) You're a legend.
*bows* tongue.gif I'm just a fucking know-it-all, really. or at least I like to pretend i know it all.

history of art = art gallery. While philosophy doesn't neccessarily lead to anything specific, it is an interesting course, and leaves you a lot of options. Not everyone does exactly what it says on the tin when they go for a degree - I know a guy with a degree in archeology who's an EFL teacher, and someone else with computer sciences who's a social worker. Why not ask around, I don't think philosophy has much in the way of previous requirements (although it might be handy if you had an essay A/S).

I might be (read probably am) talking out of my arse, but you can switch courses - I can't remember the uni you're going to exactly (I'm guessing ucl) - to something you like more, especially if you're not enjoying things. You'll get yourself sorted, no fear.

When I was waiting on my last reply from my second round of applications, I announced I was going to do archeology with geography. My father replied "and what use is that going to be?". I didn't have a clue, but I did have a place for it. Why not wait until you have some solid suggestions to tell your mum - at least if you have a plan, she'll see you've given it thought.
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