One of the members of this site- jessikafessika used to be my girl. We dated long distance for 3 years and I spent the last year trying to fight for her love.
After new years eve, when I drove home from buffalo, she became very introverted like she often does, and wouldn't answer any of my calls from the 6 hour car ride home till one week later.
She told me she needed 'a break', then cut off communication again totally. I freaked out; when I freak out, I tend to panic, think the worst, and behave erratically, I will admit it. But I was so in love with this girl and still am.
Flash forward to now- June 2006.
Despite numerous unanswered calls and repeatedly telling me she didn't want a relationship, and also telling me she loves me, we've gotten together, spent days together in motels since, fooled around but didn't have intercourse (her idea not mine), fought, made up, laughed, cried, you name it.
She came to visit me last memorial day weekend, we had plans to get together on short notice to go camping- I made a noble effort to get a campsite on such short notice, and consequentially, I couldn't get a site before she came- I kept her abreast of all the stages of me trying to make our plans come through, and even offered backup plans- get a hotel in the same area, go hiking etc, or atlantic city in a posh room, she didn't agree or disagree on either, but said, "no gambling"- fine.
The night I picked her up from the airport, she seemed fine, affectionate, somewhat talkative, and at one point we almost even had sex- but she asked me if I had a condom, and I didn't. We eventually fell asleep holding each other.
My dilemma is what happened next:
The next morning she woke up suddenly and said, "we aren't going camping, are we". I tried to come up with alternatives given the situation, and she got very frustrated, mad, yelled accused me of lying to her and bringing her here on false pretenses, then stayed in bed motionless for 5 hours.
The whole time, I tried to make other plans, I had money to burn, a brand new car, and we were together, nothing but potential.
She then said she was leaving, and attempted to get a bus back to buffalo which would have taken her 9 hours, rather than the 1 hour on the plane ticket I had already bought for her.
To make a long story slightly shorter, we went out for dinner and a movie after she calmed down, went to bed- again, sexual contact but no sex- and again when she woke up, she started fighting with me. I bought her a plane ticket change immediately and watched her pack in disbelief of all that happened. About an hour or less before her plane was to leave, I told her how much I really didnt want her to go, when she turned to me and said, "well maybe we could switch the flight". It was too late.
We barely talked on the way to the plane, but I held her hand for some time right as I dropped her off, and she said it "wasn't my fault", no kidding.
She didn't call me when she landed, no big deal considering all that happened. I was about to log her user off of my computer which she left logged in, and noticed her yahoo was open but not logged in, password already typed in; ok, I gave in and logged in under this unfamiliar to me screenname she had up.
This is where I met her firend, I believe she referred to him as Josh on Bust in another thread. As I was talking to this guy- he never once thought it was jessica, he immediately went in to bashing me, calling me by my full name, and calling me a piece of shit. Then the phone rings- its Jessica hysterical telling me to log off her name immediately. I start asking who this guy is, how he knows me, and why she was talking shit about me to a stranger- she answered nothing, but was practically in tears telling me how I ruined everything- she apparently lied to him, telling him she was going on a camping trip with girlfriends.
A few hours later, she calls me to apologize for yelling at me, but not for anything regarding this yahoo buddy lover of hers.
I went in to how much I love her and how much she has actively tied to sabatoge our relationship and bring me to a frenzy- all this inbetween points where I never doubted her love for me, when she was affectionate, loving, making sincere efforts to show me she cared. Of course when I held up the mirror, she became agitated again and hung up on me.
We havent talked in a week, had like 2 handful of lines instant messages- Ive really tried to forget her and move on, but I really love her. I don't want to be a chump, but my heart is too big, and it drives me crazy to think of forgetting her. I meet other women lately too, but my mind goes back to my troubled jessica and all she means to me.
We planned to live together, even actively talked of getting married, but here we are- I'm still alone here in nyc, and shes way up in buffalo, and we don't seem to stand a chance.
But I love her so.