May 18 2006, 03:56 PM
I'm afraid I might regret this, but I really need some help. Prepare for a long story.
My bf and I have long been having troubles because of our religious differences. He's an atheist, and I'm Wiccan. He's long been of the opinion that my practices are just a crutch for my feelings of powerlessness (I've heard that one before) and only add to my lack of motivation in life. Because, see, I have problems with anxiety and depression...it gets in the way of school and my social life. He would tell me that I was wasting my time in turning to my religion for healing, which makes me feel better about myself without any effort on my part.
It should be noted that I'm on medication for my anxiety, and until recently I was regularly seeing a therapist.
Going on, he would accuse me of being disinterested in politics because of my absorbtion in mythology. (I have this big Jungian sort of philosophy about mythology and how it relates to politics and the media and such.) That I am only interested in politics insofar as they relate to my religion. (Feminism=goddess worship, environmentalism=earth worship.) And yes, my religion and my politics are compatible. I think that's fortunate, if anything. But I found a faith to suit my politics; I didn't go and find politics to suit my faith. I've always been concerned about the environment, and feminism is in every woman's interest...these things have value outside of a religious context...I would say these things to him, and he would stay his ground, unconvinced.
I can see how he, as an atheist, sees religion as the enemy of politics and liberty. I can see how religion has been used as a tool of oppression throughout history. So, yes, I understood his concerns, but I was always unable to ease them - unable to show him that my religion was different for me.
So we would have these long, drawn out discussions where he would ask me antagonistic questions about Wicca and I would get really defensive and hurt. Unhappy times. There were many other things about my religion he took issue with.
But now the problem is this - after our last big discussion, he's decided that he's going to "support" me - "support" meaning that he's just going to blindly endorse anything and everything that I say, and not talk about news, politics, religion, anything. Quote: "Under the new paradigm, I'm no longer interested in or concerned with rationalty, argumentation, persuasion, objectivism, fact-based knowledge, criticism, news, politics, or personal disagreement. I am now focused on faith, cohesion, style, personal myth-making, entertainment, passivity, listening, and praise. I'm still adjusting to the new frame of mind."
I ask him if he's really changed his mind about me and whether I'm capable of being self-critical and whether I'm able to choose what's right for me. And he responds that he has faith in me now, and doesn't need me to argue my case any longer.
So now's he's totally flip-flopped. He's using Baphomet and Cuchulainn icons in his blog now and robotically "supporting" all that I say. And it's almost worse than all the disagreements from before, because I know that he's just witholding his true opinions from me. His responses aren't enthusiastic, or even just kind...they're praising but non-committal, the verbal equivalent of smiling and nodding your head. I tell him that these gestures just don't seem genuine, and he continues to say that he's just trying to make things better. He asks me if this isn't what I wanted...
I can't help but feel that this is all just one big sarcastic joke from him, his passive-aggressive way of giving me what I supposedly "want." He assures me that it isn't, but I'm not really convinced. I think I'll go crazy if I can't have a real conversation with him ever again...gods, help me!! What am I supposed to do?
I just wanted him to accept my ways. I never wanted it to be like this.
May 18 2006, 05:05 PM
I think if your man really cared for you he'd support you no matter what religious background you were a part of. If he cant support you on that then you deserve someone who really appreciates you, your spirituality, and your uniqueness. Someone who'd accept you just the way you are. If he doesnt, then he doesnt deserve you and you deserve so much better. On the contrary, if he's starting to support you and makes you feel comfortable and good about yourself then i suppose it wont hurt trying to work things out and communicating your differences, all the while ACCEPTING the other as is. Listen to your heart spiderella. Your instincts will guide you. But then again being wiccan you probably knew that. Divination and all. Anyway, i hope everything turns out for the better. :-)
May 18 2006, 05:18 PM
spiderella, you're probably going to get a better response in an already established thread (i think we used to have one for dealing with religious differences in a relationship, but i can't find it now, it might have died). You can try the general relationship advice thread. Bust doesn't work like many message boards, we try to keep the number of new threads created to minimum to keep the boards from being cluttered, and run new threads by the rest of the users in the community forum (in as the world turns)
stop by the newbies thread (also in as the world turns) and introduce yourself. there's usually a party going on in there. Good luck with your boyfriend troubles, and welcome to BUST!
May 18 2006, 08:18 PM
spiderella_rock: a healthy relationship involves respected the other's feelings, opinions, beliefs, thoughts. how is his approach affecting you on a deeper level? would communicating your feelings to him resolve this? what do you honestly think you should do about this?
May 22 2006, 07:10 PM
Quote: "Under the new paradigm, I'm no longer interested in or concerned with rationalty ... fact-based knowledge, criticism, news, politics, or personal disagreement. I am now focused on ... personal myth-making, entertainment, passivity ..."
What a dickhead. Seriously. What a patronizing, head-patting, "Don't you worry your pretty little head baby girl" bullshit way to get out of a dynamic that may be annoying, but was at least genuine.
My apologies if this has moved to another thread - but seriously. Sheesh. What a tool he sounds like.
May 22 2006, 10:01 PM
"Smug git" were the first words that came to mind. With "patronizing jerk" not far behind.
May 23 2006, 12:21 AM
If it were me I'm sure I would have dumped his ass a long time ago. From the get go it seems that he never respected your beliefs, hence not respecting you!
I think you are totally right about your view on his new "attitude" towards your belief system... it seems for him perhaps to be a way to avoid conflict and at the same time just do the whole nod and smile thing. I can just imagine that his only reason for agreeing and "supporting" you is so that he hopes he can shut you up and secretly think that he is right and you are wrong.
May 23 2006, 04:29 PM
I ought to apologize, but it's impossible for me to get past the key words I edited his quote down to. I have to tear it apart bit by smarmy little bit.
"Under the new paradigm, I'm no longer interested in or concerned with rationalty ...
The underlying presumption here is that the beliefs he is so "magnanimously" "accepting" are inherently irrational. Dick, dick, dick.
"fact-based knowledge ...news, politics"
Clearly, the only empirically redeemable outlook on faith or politics is defined by MY parameters, which I have decided to assume are outside your understanding. I have decided to consider you ill-informed, possibly uneducated, unwilling to open your mind, eyes, and ears, and sadly out-of-touch. Because you do not come to the conclusions I do, clearly, you are ignorant to all the useful information out there which has led me to MY conclusions.
"or personal disagreement."
But I disagree with you. Completely. It's simply unworthy of my effort to discuss anymore.
"I am now focused on ... personal myth-making, entertainment, passivity ..."
I find your beliefs and perspectives frivolous to the point of mere amusement. I have decided not only not to take you seriously, but simply to sit back and laugh silently to myself.
DICK. DICK. DICK. (And not in a good way. Agh!)
kog3100 and I have entirely different beliefs politically, and religiously his well-defined faith is likely incomparable to my own spirituality, if not actually incompatible. But he would NEVER, EVER dismiss me so haughtily, any more than I could hope to question his intellect for being more conservative. The bases from which our beliefs sprung are actually quite similar, and we've been fascinated how fundamentally similar understanding leads to often quite disparate conclusions. What matters to me most, we share - priorities, needs, expectations, emotional respect. Seems to me, Spiderella, you and the guy aren't coming from the same place, AND are reaching different means of handling yourselves.
I can't help but hope the guy manages to learn, either sooner or later. What an utter, sanctimonious prig. What a superior prat. What a total dullard.
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