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I LOVE Sex and the City wub.gif.
My armpits smell like marijuana.
At times I wonder if I'm the only one who can recognize unbridled, unadulterated, downright dangerous stupidity for what it is.

On the rare occasion when I discover I'm wrong - that such things are just as clear to others as they are to me - I feel probably far more vindicated than I should. I am also exceptionally grateful.
I must confess,
I feel jealous of my childrens father. I have all of the responsibility and he has none. I hate that I still love him dearly, when it seems that he has forgotten that I exist. I feel jealous of the fact that it seems he has moved on mentally and emotionally, when I feel like I haven't moved on as much. (Though I don't want to be with him, I don't want anyone else to have him) sad.gif
I want to get rich quick.
I want things to be handed to me.
I sometimes feel that my dreams are too big, even though I know that should never be the case.
I want plastic surgery.
I don't ever want to work.
I think I am unreasonable and unrealistic about my life.
I am closer to my best friend than most of the people in my family, but I wasn't raised to let "outsiders" supersede (sp?) family.
I feel like I want to have an addiction to something, but I'm too strong to let anything consume me in such a manner.
I started becoming "fast" (in my own eyes) after my children's father hurt me, but, amazingly, I didn't feel like a whore or slutty about it, I felt*free* with life, in charge and in control. - I don't know if I am in denial about this issue though. I used to be very strict and uptight about who I slept with, now not so much. I don't know if its age, experience, or what, but I feel like its not *so* bad if I do something I choose to do, even if soceity thinks otherwise.
(ETA: I have since stopped, don't know why though, its FUN.)
I don't really care too much for my little sister.

Confessions are hard when they can be judged by someone else.
I wish my grandfather would die. He's a hateful, miserable, controlling old man who makes my life hard. He belittles my schizophrenic mother and laughs at me when I stand up to him. He's an old-school homophobic right-wing Christian zealot sexist martyr and it burns me up. No one can do anything right but him. I'm so sick of everything he does and says, I wish he would just get on with it and die and leave the rest of us in peace.

I'm terrified about my mother coming to live with me. She'll be here in less than two weeks, and while it's a relatively temporary arrangement, I'm still scared. I'm worried I'll lose my patience with her. I'm worried she won't be happy. I'm worried I'll stress out too much and make myself and my husband miserable. I'm worried that after all these times I've told her and others that she's capable of so much more than she realizes, I'll turn out to be wrong. It has to be done. Grandpa needs to be in a retirement home with people who can keep a closer watch on him than Mom can. But it's going to be so damn hard. More so because she's terrified of the move as well. I feel like I'm going to be raising two children for the rest of my life.
I've been missing this guy who I was involved with earlier this year a lot lately. He was so great at the beginning, but at the end he turned into a spineless shithead who could not tell me that it just was not working for him, but instead, dragged me through a shitpile of passive-aggressive emotional fucked-up-ness making it seem like it was my fault when all I was trying to do was figure out where it all went wrong and get him to communicate like the guy I had always known. It put me in a shit ass tailspin for months and at this point, I never wanna be in the same building with the guy again.

And still I miss him. ugh.

I love young, pretty boys.

i get so offended when i open up my email account and there aren't any emails in it from anyone. like what the hell?
same with the mailbox. what's a day without mail? i get so pissy, it's an effort to snap out of it.
it's ok with the mailbox 'cause i only check that once but the email, well, i can check that out a thousand times a day. it makes for an irritable start and finish to my day sometimes. good thing i can't check it from work or i'd be pissy all day long.
I am really dreading returning to school, so much so that I'm having panic attacks about it three weeks before it all starts. I have a long, annoying commute and long hours (even a fucking saturday class). I understand my program is rigorous, but they honestly tell you that you shall have no life outside of the conservatory. Or if you do, it should in no way intrude on work. As it should be, but do they have to be such dicks about it? I'm probably freaking unnecessarily; I'm not 18 years old, this is not my first college experience, all their talk about the adjustment being difficult probably doesn't really apply too much to me...

I'm terrified that this is going to fuck my relationship up. I'm going to be getting home late, probably be too tired for sex, Mr.Luci has no clue about theatre shit, so I can't even involve him really.

We are being royally screwed on the rent in our illegal sublet, so we're planning to take some legal action if necessary in order to take over the lease. According to every source we've sought out, we're in the right and our sublettor really doesn't have a leg to stand on, but I'm still scared that it's going to backfire and we'll be homeless. This guy is such a dick; according to his mail (which is still sent to our apartment, since he can't be bothered to change his address) he's apparently already in some legal trouble and the lease is up for renewal. He's getting married, but he's overcharging us by well over the legal 10% limit, so I'ma thinking he's going to keep the lease on this place because it's a nice source of drinking money or some such shit. I really want to screw him over here and the intensity of that scares me. Usually I'm really nice, over-accomodating, and take a lot of shit. Meh - I should just go with it, I guess.

I don't know if I like NYC very much. So much of it is so corporatized and sterile, and our neighborhood is slowly going the way of the uber-gentrified areas of Manhattan, thanks in part to NYU. But I don't want to move to Brooklyn, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes I just wanna pack up and move to a commune in Oregon...
I am, yet again, having a sexually explicit conversation with a coworker. Its getting me hot.

I am sad that I am not returning to university in the fall, I am done my first degree and am taking a year off from my Masters'. But alas, I miss it.

I am lying and saying that i am student so I may keep my job with the job I am currently at.

If I had to go back to retail I would cry. For a long time.

I went to the park with the other dog I have, and I felt like I was cheating on my old dog that my ex has. I cried. I wasn't ready. I miss her. I would steal her from my ex to get her back. I just want her, and I miss her more than anything.
I have a slight crush on my gyno. He is a really thoughtful and caring doc and he is kinda cute. I would never try to hook up w/ him or anything that would be wierd. But I don't loathe the anticipation of my anual pap smear as much .

Is that wrong?
anna k
That's OK. I like going to the dentist because I like his gloved fingers in my mouth and him looking directly at me.
Hee i thought i was the only person with the dentist fetish. Doesn't matter if the dentist is male or female, good-looking or not. Shame it's so expensive, otherwise i'd be spending time in the chair every month or so.
I love the feeling of dentists' gloved fingers in my mouth too. My dentist is also incrediby softly spoken, and I always leave his surgery in a lovely, relaxed daze.
Heehee I share the dental fetish! It doesn't matter if the vet is male or female, I like going.
um funnybird, i leave dental surgery in a relaxed daze as well. its called happy gas and pain killers lol. not sure if you can attribute it to the dentist.

apparently dentists have the highest rate of suicide in terms of professions cause every hates them (including myself). you guys should start a "save a dentist club", i am sure they would love to hear how you guys enjoy going:)
how can you hate a dentist? a good one anyhow. by the time i go to see him i'm usually in an agony of pain which he oh so gently and effectively makes go away. i'm so grateful by the end of it that i generally drool out words of adoration until the receptionist pushes me out the door. that even happened after a tooth extraction! and it's not that happy gas either, i've never even had a whiff of that stuff.

i have to confess to having told more than one chiropractor that i love them too. it just slips out after they make you feel so lovely all over the achey bits. i mean it when i say it too.
I like going to the dentist too. All my friends thought I was nuts growing up, but I just like getting my teeth cleaned. Maybe it's because I didn't have a cavity until last year. Plus he's easy on the eyes. tongue.gif
I am sitting here alone in my bf's apartment on a Saturday night (he's out doing his geeky roleplaying stuff), while the unit below is throwing a very loud, huge party. Half of me would like to go down there and walk in, just so I don't feel like such a loner, but the other half is scared that they would be like, "who are you? why are you here?" I know that wouldn't happen..They usually invite us to their parties (probably so we won't get too upset about the noise), and there are enough people who are all so drunk that no one would even notice me. What would really feel odd is that I don't know anyone there, and I'm afraid no one will talk to me. I like going to parties full of strangers, but have at least one friend with me.... I think I just sort of sunk into my loner-ness tonight as well and don't feel like coming out of it. But the music is blasting and I keep thinking about how much more fun I could be having..

is this really a confession?
i ADORE my husband, but a fuck buddy from the past has found me via the internet and he was SOOOOOOOOOOO hott and i can remember him vividly, and i reeally want to fuck him.

it is a VERY good thing that i live in africa.
I love going to see my gynecologist... because he's hot.

I just hope it's not too obvious sometimes!
I truly despise my living situation, but I feel bourgeouis guilt about it since I don't live in a third world country.

I hate my roommate's cats. I mean, I really do. Sadly.

I think perhaps I am narcissistic because I love modeling for my friend.
I hate doctors and I hate hospitals even more than doctors.

My dentist was a gay guy who would talk about John Waters movies with me while he examined my mouth. That was fun! But then he had to go be an ass and stop accepting any and all insurance, so I have to find a new one now.

My confession is that I signed up to go to an alumni event for my college. When I signed up for it, I thought, oh cool, I should have done this years ago, I hope there are some people there that were in my graduating class. And now as the day is approaching, I'm secretly hoping that I don't know anyone there. I have very mixed feelings about becoming reacquainted with my old college friends. Sometimes I want it, sometimes I don't. And I still haven't called the parents of the one friend who I dearly miss. Their phone number is the same as it's always been. I have it written down here at my desk and I don't know how long it's going to be before I pick up the phone and talk to my friend's parents with the hopes that I get to see my dear old friend again. I don't want her to think I'm some psycho stalker former friend or someone who can't let go of the past or whatever. Then again, maybe she's wishing that we were friends again, too. It's hard to read the mind of someone I haven't talked to or heard from in several years. I secretly hope that she and her husband aren't together anymore; none of her college friends liked him because we all knew he was a manipulative jerk. I fear calling her house, only to get him on the phone or leaving a message on the machine that I know she'll never get. He'll intercept the call like he always did for her college friends, never tell her that I called, and then I will still be left wondering what the hell happened.
anna k
I am really dreading returning to school

I hate school too. I transferred two years ago and lost credits, so I've had to do a ton of classes to finish up. I've taken a winter classe and three summer classes in addition to my fall and spring classes, and have to do another year of school to graduate. I'm lucky to have my parents and grandparents' money for tuition, but I hate being nearly 23 and seeing my peers from my old school graduate and live with their friends while I finish school and live in a hotel in NYC. I'm itching to leave and start my post-college life. I also repeated a grade as a kid because of a learning disability, so I feel sick of being in school.
i'm tempted to start an 'average girl' thread. well, several really.
'average sized boobs', 'what i'm wearnig is really... meh', 'i cooked an average meal', 'my house is so-so', 'at least my plants aren't dead'. you know.

sigh, sometimes i feel so exhausted from trying to keep up with myself.
I am very horny. This is bizarre, it seems like I can't have enough sex. All I want to do is fuck my brains out. I do not know what to do about this. my play things just aren't doing it for me, and I don't want to have random sex. This is a real problem for me. Fuck.
anna k
Same deal here. I think about sex a lot, yet don't want to have it randomly.
i was at a coffee shop in my hometown this weekend, and saw a picture of an ex posted as part of a photo collage on the bulletin board. lusty nostalgia washed over me, and i momentarily contemplated leaving a note for him (because i know he visits that coffee shop often; he's close friends with the owner), even though i'm married and it would've been a stupid thing to do.
Ha! That's why I love you, pepper.

But really, from FAMILIES LIKE OURS, being average required huge amounts of work and vigilance and resilience.

It wore out my tolerance for "poor little me" effed-up exploiter types, though.

Go ahead and try to cheese out of following the same rules the rest of us have to follow, is what I feel like saying to THEM, you try to smirk and act like you're big and bad, but I know where that's going to get you.

Oh, yeah.

They think my avoiding them is a weakness.... of mine.... just don't want any of it to splash on me when they hit the fan. "You won't SAY anything cause you're too NICE" *smirk, gloat* "Ha ha"

Oh, yeah, that's why. mm hm. Just go right on, go go go. I'll be over here staying out of... ALL of your... self-imposed, self-destructive trouble.

That sleaze is gonna blow up in your face -- the way I know it has before.
i want to do a shit load of drugs, smoke cigarettes, drink relentlessly, hang out/sleep with/ be a muse of a "deep" but psychicaly tortured artist, have some sort of creative job that pays the bills/for the drugs that doesn't require normal business hours, and have relatives be concerned that i'm too skinny/sleep too much/generally living too fast and too hard.

this is what i fantasize about in the down time of my straight-laced social life and "white collared", well-paid but creatively devoid profession.
anna k
When I was 13 I was really depressed and miserable and out of my mind. I had rape fantasies and wanted to run away at 16 to be a hooker/street kid and lose myself in anonymity. Luckily I got put into therapy and Paxil and become healthy. But sometimes I think about what my life would've been like had I actually run away.

That's why I'm fascinated by peoples' stories of being runaways, teen strippers, drifters, vagabonds, etc. It's the life that I am fascinated by but haven't lived because I like money and security.

I also wanted to be a slutty groupie and tour around with bands and be a wild untamed tigree with an insatiable sexual appetite.
I am having continual dreams about being sexually threatened or molested by my father, and occasionally someone else.
I confess I am a big old doodyhead.

There! I said it!
When I hear people say they'd keep their jobs even if they won the lotto, I inwardly roll my eyes and think they're full of shit. Even in my job where I've been dedicated to a cause with all my heart, I still would have walked away cheerfully if the jackpot ever landed in my lap.

I wish I had samosas right this very minute.
I would keep my job if I won the lottery, but as I'm writing a thesis fulltime at the mo' the word 'job' may not apply... I'd buy a house with my own study though!

I can be extremely lazy and have come to realise that I work best under pressure, when I get shitloads done. This scares me as there aren't enough fires under my ass to get this thesis done quickly!!

I worry that I have chosen academia as a career to facilitate this laziness.

I yearn for greater material comfort even though I have not taken any of the steps to achieve it.
Feeling really guilty because my partner's mother died and I'm not at all sad about it because she was just a shade lighter than evil and was super manipulative.

Also, have just eaten about six brownies and haven't offered to share with anyone.

I just bought a really campy television series on DVD. I justify my love for these things because I like seeing what people do with production values when they have a teeny budget. But mostly, I love the bad jokes.

As school approaches I find myself second-guessing everything I've ever done. I live this loop inside my head which is perpetually saying "You fucked up when you left that college, you'll never amount to anything, you'll be financially dependent on Mr.Luci forever and everyone thinks you're a pathetic tool for that, you're ugly and fat and uncreative, you're stupid for thinking you have any artistic talent whatsoever, you've destroyed your potential with years of stagnation and everyone in your program will secretly think you're stupid and pathetic and old." Really hateful stuff. But I'm not cutting anymore, so I guess that's positive.

i'm still not over my dogs death and i don't know how long its gonna take to heal.

Ms GB, I'm still not over my dog's death. And, it's been over 6 years. sad.gif
I never followed the JonBenet Ramsey case. And I still don't really give a shit.

I wish the media and the public cared 1/1,000th as much about all the victims of child and youth sexual exploitation in the world.

I wish the media and the public cared 1/10,000th as much about all the victims of child abuse in the world.

I wish the media and the public cared 1/100,000th as much about all the victims of child poverty in the world.
(amen, doodlebug)

I am leaving town in 5 days and i am sitting in my pjs doing this (even delurking for once!) instead of completing The List. I have packed nothing!
So my confession is that i am a procrastinator and can't be left to my own devices ...
confession: I think my bf's brother is hot. He's not my type, but I always have to stop myself from flirting with him. Or staring at him. And drooling. They look very similar really, except his brother has a more boyish face, and he is lean and well built. I can imagine that most ladies his age find him very attractive, so these are just natural instincts. I can't help it!
I have zero interest in seeing mothafuckin' Snakes on a Plane.

On my way to work last week, I stopped at a crosswalk to let someone cross the street. It was an old friend from high school who was walking to her office. We had funny little nicknames for each other, would write notes to each other all the time in school, and then after school we'd hang out and listen to records and/or watch MTV and eat junk food. We'd get our crushes du jour to come over the house if our moms weren't home. A few years ago, we got back in touch again with each other and tried to be friends again, but that didn't go so well. It was an exercise in learning how people can drift apart as they get older, no matter how close they were when they were younger. Because of this, I didn't beep my horn at her to let her know it was me behind the wheel.

The alumni event I went to had not one old friend at it. I was simultaneously relieved and disappointed. At least I got it out of my system and know that these kinds of events probably hold no allure for me. I'm not so sure I'd relate to a lot of my college friends at this point, with the exception of the one I dearly miss whose parents' phone number I still haven't put to use.

And while I'm on the subject of friends, I hate coming to the realization that I have nine trillion friends all over the fucking planet, but very few close ones in my immediate area. The closest friend I've got here can't shut her trap about how she can't wait to move the fuck out of here. But now that I've got this solid job and probably won't be moving again anytime soon, I really need to change this situation, even though I don't want to. Sometimes I'd rather renew old fucked-up damaged friendships than start all shiny and new ones with strangers who I have no solid foundation with. I'm too old to keep starting over and over again.

Even though I strongly identify with an urban life as opposed to a rural life, I have been thinking more and more about buying a house in the suburbs just because I'm sick of landlords who let me only have one pet, who don't want me painting the walls and drilling holes so I can hang shit up, so on and so forth, and apartment neighbors who slam doors, smoke, leave their laundry in the machines and aren't there the minute the goddamn thing stops spinning, and cook things that smell HORRENDOUS. If my TV is off, I don't want to have to hear someone else's TV. The only thing that stops me from moving away from the city is the fear that I'm going to MISS SOMETHING EXCITING HAPPENING IN THE CITY. It makes no sense.

Having a garden in the backyard and the space to have big parties would be pretty sweet, though.

One more: I did some serious grocery shopping this weekend but all I want for dinner is a big fat slice of spinach Sicilian pizza from a place I can walk to. (Note to self: you can't do that in the suburbs, now, can you?!)

I am feeling it again. I want to go in the woods for a week, way in the remote woods where there's no humans at all. I know a remote spot, you can only get there by backpack, pitch a tent, and bring a journal and sketch pad. It's been fifteen years, I think it's about time. Nobody will know I'm going until my voice mail message on my cell phone changes.

I think I have some hermit in me.

a - i need a good solid crying jag.
b - i need to be fucked hard and fucked well.
c - all of the above.
Ditto what Mando said. Snarling, angry sex.

Add to that, I am fascinated by serial killers and abnormal psychology.

I think that I have BPD, but could never be sure because I read too much on the DSMIV. Actually, I am convinced that EVERYBODY has it, but that is just irrational. tongue.gif

I have spent so much time in compromised relationships and insane family units that I question my perception of events. I feel like Ingrid Bergman in fucking Gaslight.
Ooh, Minx -- Read "Silence of the Lambs" and "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin Lambert.

I had an acquaintance that accused me of having a "mood swing" because I got angry about something.

We were on a camping trip, it was really hot, I was going to have to drive 5 hours on a scary turnpike because my guy can't drive, I was hungover, we were trying to leave as soon as possible and all these people kept scampering in between where we camped and where we were allowed to load the car because it was a hippie festival on a ski place, there were stupid little tiny vines with thorns on them that tore my ankles at odd moments on certain trips, and there was a lot of equipment for a very tiny trunk, so it had to be packed a certain WAY to fit, and my boyfriend was doing that thing where he just totally flakes out, and I say something to him that is just common sense and in plain, complete, logical english sentences and said pleasantly, and I turn around ten minutes later and he's totally doing the opposite/blowing off what I said and what he agreed to. So when my acquaintance came over, I was finally like GODDAMMIT I TOLD YOU TO PUT THIS IN FIRST!! NOW WE HAVE TO TAKE IT *ALL* OUT AND DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN! I TOLD YOU AND YOU SAID YES!! IF YOU DIDN'T AGREE WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO! !@$*$*#@!! @$&)@!!

To my acquaintance, I *suppose* this looked like it just came out of the blue. But -- doesn't he trust me enough after knowing me for three years at that point to figure it didn't?! Like, there was a whole CONTEXT of place, time, the ten things that had happened leading up to it, and the miscommunication that can happen in our personal and private relatonship, our individual faults sometimes colliding.

Because all NORMAL people just walk around like robots. Great. Can't wait to try it.
Minx, after reading the description of BPD I think that describes almost every teenage girl I've met, and some of the boys too. Maybe you are right and that everyone has it to some extent.

Actually, I think almost everyone has some sort of disorder listed in that book. Maybe "normal" for this culture is walking around like a robot...


((((any busties who need hugs))))

confession lite:

a- i have a cereal and pb&j addiction that threatens to destroy me

b-i've had two cans and three bottles of soda (aka pop, coke) today. in my defense, one was caffeine free, and i worked 14 hrs yesterday and today

confession intense:

c- i need a fat line of coke.
(d- i've never done coke)

e- bleh, nm

f-i've met someone who is, so far, nice and funny and fun to be around, but i'm turned off by his general lack of discernable pigmentation
Luci, I have to know what DVD you bought!! Because I bought Facts of Life!

I guess that's enough of a confession for
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