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I'm terrified of failing in my new job.

Just as much, I'm afraid that because of my new position, that I'll get a big head and start to think I know it all. I'm afraid of not remembering to remain thankful and down to earth about things. I don't want to be someone like that.

I'm also aware that when I am really busy with work, that's all I talk about with people. I am so much more than that, and I don't want to be 100% defined by my work.

I asked a crush of mine today if he would be my date for a work event I have to go to. I asked him jokingly like "I need a friend to hang out with at this thing" and I also offered to cover his transportation since it's out of town for him. I'm afraid that might be too much, 'cause I'm already concerned that he might think that I want more with him than I do. But I'd ask any friend the same thing the same way, pretty much. (he said he'd think about it)
I won't pick up my phone at home unless I know who it is. I don't mind talking to people on the phone at work, but not really after hours, with some notable exceptions: Mr. Dusty, BFF, the X who is completely unavailable by phone now that he is back in town, hee, but we used to talk a lot when he lived in the US.
I find my job way too emotional draining, and I hate how government policy fucks people over. I don't want to do this for life, but I don't want to leave this job right away either.
Big ditto on the phone avoidance. If I don't recognize the caller OR I just don't feel like talking to that person I just let it ring. Mr redhead finds it oh-so-annoying.

Another unrelated confession: I have a crush on Justin Timberlake. It's wrong for so many reasons I can't even list them.
I feel like I never have any fun. It's all work, work, work. And when I finally do break down and do something that's supposed to be fun, I feel guilty because I'm not doing other things I should be doing.
I just spent fourty dollars on shampoo and conditioner and feel reallly guilty about it.

I try to rationalize by saying that I saved money for almost a year knowing that I would be taking two grad school classes in another state and that I bust my ass and I deserve to spoil myself.

then I rationalize it by saying that it would cost more to buy it in Chicago than where I am which is Boone, North Carolina

then I think I should go back and spend another 40 bucks on the sea weed shampoo and conditioner.

why can't I just enjoy the purchase? What the hell is my problem?
I feel movie ticket prices are incredibly too high, so when ever I get the chance, I sneak into extra movies after I watch the movie I paid to see.

I didn't used to mind talking on the phone, because my number is unlisted, so I never got sales pitches or weirdos. (I de-listed my number - which I have to pay extra for! - to stop from being harassed by haters because of my job.) But now, after ten years, so many people have my unlisted home phone number that I dread picking it up. Most of the time, I let it go through to voicemail. If they can't be bothered to leave a voicemail message, they can go fuck themselves. The press is the worst - they don't have any qualms about calling you at 7 in the morning (when you are asleep), or 10 at night (after you've opened up the wine!)...and there is always some deadline urgency on their part...there have been times I feel like the media have been worse than any harasser I've ever had phone me. And I do understand that we want the press to be interested in us, but it's not like I'm sending press releases to their private homes at 10 in the evening. When I move on from my current job, I'll be getting a NEW unlisted number.
i definitely don't know how to relax anymore.

i'm relying on xanax waaaaay too much these days.

after spending 2.5 days with my ever-bickering sis and her mr, i realize how we - myself and my mr - must annoy the shit out of other people. cuz we're the Bickering King & Queen.

tis hard to have a mirror held up like this.
good, if you learn from it.
but ... still ... hard.

and even after being with him for more than half my life, i'm fairly certain i don't want to even work and fix what's wrong, either.


minor confession: revision bores the shit out of me. I could procrastinate for england these days.
confession 2: sometimes I don't think the prozac is working.
Sometimes I want to meet a guy of my own ethnicity/nationality just because I think certain things in life would be easier and not have to be explained. There would be a common bond of tradition and history that is just sorely lacking in my life. On the other hand, I also think I want to do this for the novelty factor, just because none of my siblings or cousins have ended up with someone of our ethnicity/nationality. But then the pressure from my parents would be on even more than it already is to have biological children, and I just think I don't ever want that kind of pressure. It's hard enough as it is having the burden of my entire ancestry on my shoulders when I'm not even paired up with someone.
I have been done smoking cigs for 2 days now, and it has been pretty easy actually...but I think if I thought I could get away with smoking just one more, I would. I'm not that stupid though.

I really wish my dad would move back to this area instead of being so far away. I hate to admit it, but I miss him.

Speaking of parents getting older scares the hell out of me somedays. I just can't imagine ever losing them.

I alternate back and forth between being incredibly attracted to my new boyfriend and finding him horribly annoying.
I was at Mr. Dusty's cottage on Saturday and the phone rang. Before he answered it, I suggested why we couldn't have dinner with his relatives. It made me aware that I must have this habit, from my own cottage, of negotiating whether we are available for dinner while the phone is ringing, because I am at my cottage, when the phone rings, its generally an invitation to dinner from extended family. I don't know if I am explaining myself but I realized it was kind of an automatic reaction that I had brought with me to his cottage.

Cottage as in summer cabin.
I am embarassed by the part of myself that wants to stand in the middle of the Lounge like a frightened child with my hands over my ears screaming "STOP FIGHTING!", *sigh*

me too, yuefie.

I have done NO work today.
I am equally as embarassed by the other part that wants to join in the squabbling by yelling at everyone to "STFU already!". But what good is that going to do?

I've done diddley squat today too, mornington. Nada.

Do we have a naughty bustie corner? where they can go and calm down (joke. sort of)

I have exaaaaaaaams. fuuuuuuuuck. I don't want to do exams, exams suck. I didn't think it would ever be this hard to be a vet, but I am NOT going to walk away. /stresses out.

I have no idea why I keep posting in arial, I don't like arial.

I want a normal summer holiday, in which I am not required to shovel horse poo, feel guilty because I haven't arranged to look after pigs, or travel anywhere that requires a passport. Or revise. I do not want to revise.

I hate flying. I really really do.
lol, yuefie & mornington. Too true. Can we just chalk it up to a bad day and have a time out?

I've noticed stuff like that, too, dusty. No specific incidents come to mind, but co-habiting with someone makes me notice weird habits like that, that I never knew I had.
I really want to send my ex friend Paul (who I just knowis friends with my ex again, but is avoiding me instead of telling me) a text message asking him who the bride is going to be. This is absolutely a poke at how close him and my ex are again. Either that or "whose wearing the dress". Of course if I do this, it will make me appear neurotic. I am so tempted, that fucking ass wipe.
i'm far more superficial than i'd ever care to admit.
i love my mom. i don't like her all that much. she annoys and embarasses me. i mean, most of the time i like her. but then she doesn't know when to just shut up and leave me alone, and my coping mechanism for that is to be incredibly rude. and she doesn't pick up on the rudeness and keeps on talking at me. so i stew and am annoyed for the rest of the day.
i want to go over to my friend's house and ask to sleep over on his floor just so i can be asleep next to someone i trust and listen to them breathe.
i need a hug machine
also, douglas coupland has irritated me because i decided i was a high-functioning slightly autistic years ago, but now if i say so it just looks like i picked it up from his book.
i almost wish my insomnia would remain as bad as it's been since i've been back from vacation so i can listen to more music and read more books.
I am scared shitless about my new job. I know I can handle the work part, no problem. But interacting with my bosses scares the crap out of me more than I will ever let on. I am so nervous that my personality just won't click with them or that I will make some mistake and I'll get let go.


I want to have sex so bad. seems like it ain't gonna happen any time soon. ugh
i'm unemployed and broke and i feel like a great big loser because i just can't find a job that i'm qualified for that will hire me.

i have completely dropped out of society and spend all my time either alone or with my family. i just can't seem to face the effort of talking to people.

i know that this is unhealthy, but i just can't seem to do anything about it.
lowredmoon, i do that a lot too, just stop going out and feel like interaction is just too much effort. I'm there right now, it happens every few months.
Zoya I am in with you on the sex thing.
I can spend an entire day in front of my computer and generally be busy but at the end of 8 hours I have nothing to show for it and I couldn't tell you what happened to my day. Add to that I am under a set of really tight deadlines to get my thesis done so I spend the last 36 hours before the deadline doing everything that I had the entire week to do.

I panic about money when it comes to things like meds (that aren't covered by my plan) or tuition but will spend piles of money on training and racing related stuff.

I want to find a part time job in my field instead of working full time or doing the acedemia thing. I just don't care about it enough. I'd rather spend my time taking care of the house (preparing dinner, cleaning etc.) and training. The boy is ok with this plan but I still feel incredibly guilty that I have wasted everyone's time with this school thing and that someone else would have better deserved my place in grad school. I feel that there is too much pressure on me to go into research and academia and I don't wanna because I am sick of the politics.
The way I see it, runningwestward, is that getting a degree is a kind of generalist, "acceptable to corporate HR types" and "can stick to a project till it's done and is reasonably intelligent" kind of credential that can be used in many ways. As your life goes on, you may find an academy that is just right for you, or a position related to your major that is friendly to your other goals and interests. You may even be able to integrate it with your training somehow. Just because you don't want to use it RIGHT NOW in the EXACT NARROW DEFINITION of it, don't think it's a waste.

Your training will also look good to money-types down the road, it shows you're tough, disciplined, healthy, passionate and directed about something, outgoing, courageous -- you see?

Also, the better shape you are in the less your illness or side effects from medications will affect you.

SOOOO I think you're on the right track and as long as it's okay with your significant other you have nothing to apologize for.

My two cents. For me, my father did very well despite his prognosis, also, my guy did a lot of cooking, cleaning and paying for me when I was working my way through school. In some ways, I feel guilty, like I owe a lot to people and I was a burden. On the other hand, I feel cherished and adored and happy to have had the support, and I give him a lot of good things in this relationship. He would never have done the things in sex and travel and culture and friends if not for me. He would have done SOME, mind you, but when it comes to certain things I am the firebrand in the family. I have done some work to make a contribution, in other words.

I'm sure you do as well
My payroll was messed up this week and I got over payed. But I didn't tell a soul at work. My job sucks and my bosses are assholes so I think this is karma shining a little light on me for all the misery I have endured over the years. I plan to shopping this weekend (for the first time in like seven months) and spoil the shit out of myself!
I have a very silly confession.

I can't sleep with one or both feet uncovered; and if they are covered, neither can be off the side of the bed by a millimeter.


Because I have an irrational fear that Something is going to come from under the bed and eat my toes. It's almost a superstition, I suppose. And as a kid, I was never afraid of the dark, monsters under the bed or in the closet, etc. I'm strange. rolleyes.gif
Thank you Wombat.
ginger_kitty, I was over-payed a few times at the family owned grocery too. The first time I told them and the owner said he'd correct it off the next check but he never did. The next two times it happend I kept my mouth shut. I figured it was karma too for the crappy pay.
(Just be careful in case they catch it and reduce a later paycheque because of it. Happened to me once. After I'd spent part of the "extra" money on frivolous stuff.)
I went to Bonnaroo in June, and when I got back I found a skid mark in my new white panties.

I brought 6 pairs of black underwear with me to the next festival.
I am still having frequent nightmares, which is what I think fuels my insomnia. Most of them involve the ex asshat, and I wake up with my heart pounding out my chest. Logically I know he could care less about me, yet this feeling lingers. It's been over half a year, my life has moved on and there has been absolutely no sign of him or anything that has to do with him. Why am I still waking up shaking? I wish my emotions and my subconcious could just be rational and move on. I don't want to be "damaged" like this. I don't think that it's because of how scary and physical the end of our relationship was, but more because I've had to come to terms with the fact that he was emotionally abusive for a long time. That is a hard thing for me to admit. I was always so proud that I would *never* let someone abuse me, having been abused as a child by my step dad. I've had to accept that I did indeed allow him to manipulate me and that I was in some major denial. And now I am feeling so humiliated. *sigh*
ETA: I've gone to post this several times and deleted it, and even considered changing it now.

((yuefie)) It's been 2 1/2 years for me and I still have the "damaged' feeling. I wanna say more, but I think I will take it to pm.
I did something feel good. There was a butterfly in my office today that was trapped against a window. Instead of letting it keep on doing it, and die. I trapped it in a big mug and took it outside and let it be free. I feel like i did something that was good karma toady. Makes me feel good for all of my sins of the past.
(((yuefie))) there's nothing I really can say except that I understand. Too well.

My confession is that my mother has Alzheimer's disease and I hope she has a heart attack or that she burns the house down or otherwise kills herself. Soon. Because I can't cope with what I know she will become if she lives much longer.

And I am afraid. Her mother had alzheimer's too. There's a part of me that resonates with that...that maybe it passes down the female side of the family and that I will get it too.

I don't want to get it.

I will not have children. I've had a tubal ligation. I have to find somebody to put me out of my misery if/when I get alzheimers.

I hate thinking about things like this.

I never "liked" my mother very much. I was very much a Daddy's girl. Our personalities are so different.

But I'm terrified that I'm turning into her.
oh shit. my brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia about 10 years ago (at 17) which was an absolute nightmare for him, and not much better for the rest of the family either. he's been in and out of hospitals and homes since then and always, always ends up getting away, stopping his meds, getting totally mental and disappearing. mom and dad find him eventually and the cycle starts all over again.
my sister and i both have moved across the country and want our dad to come and live closer to us. i have a son, she wants children in the next few years, we want papa/grandpa to be closer. but he'll never leave our brother and bro can't move away from his mental health network or his mom, who will also never leave. so no papa/grandpapa for us. and my dad's life just stays in limbo, no carreer, no girlfriend or partner, no life. just waiting to rescue our brother from the next psychotic episode.
i feel so selfish but sometimes i think the best thing for everyone would be for him to pass away. he'll never get better. he lives in a nothingness of drug induces fog or a totally insane world of his own where he's a danger to himself and others. what the hell kind of life is that? for him, for his parents, for his siblings. we all lose.
i feel shitty for thinking it but there it is. i want my son to have his grandfather. i want my father. and i Don't want to not have him at all because my brother needs him more..
I wish my dad would tell me that he loves me. Happily, willingly, tell me that he loves me. Without any prompting from Mom. I wish he would walk up to me with a big smile on his face, tell me how happy he is to have me as a daughter, give me a big bear hug, & tell me that he loves me more than he could ever say.

I cannot possibly imagine him doing this. Ever. And it makes me terribly sad inside. The fact that this man - this man who has been in my life since my first breath - does not feel a desire to say this to me ... it hurts. And yet, a part of me has come to accept it. That's why I really don't expect him to ever say these words. To do these things.

I wonder why he's like this. I wonder if it's because he's adopted. I wonder if it's because his parents were alcoholics. I wonder if it's because his father committed suicide. I wonder if my dad is still haunted by the image of his father's body when he found him. I wonder if this is why he keeps his distance.

When I talk with my husband about possibly having children, I find myself constantly warning him that I will not allow him to be like my father. The father of my children will be warm and loving and encouraging and he will tell his children that he loves them and he will let them know that they are good enough.

I feel bad because I just keep telling my husband that I don't want him to turn into my own father. And that's a terrible terrible way to feel.
My entire life, I never knew what "home" meant. Until I started making one for myself.

The other day, when I told my mom on the phone that my hours are going to be cut and I just got a rental increase notice, she immediately offered to help me with my rent so I wouldn't have to lose my apartment.

I am crying.

I can relate. My thing is nowhere ever feels like home. i've neen trying for years, but it always seems like something is missing. Honestly, I don't remember the last time I felt like I had a "home" to go to. Probably when I was 14, right before my mom got really sick and I found that I suddenly had to be the "grown up" to take care of everything. That is when life began to close in and I felt like nothing was ever going to be okay again. I admit that as an adult, wherever my mom lived had a feeling of home to me. But I didn't really live there so it wasn't my home.

I sometimes feel resentful for having to be the older sister and always being the responsible one. Not that I don't relish in being the mother hen of them all. But sometimes I just want someone to coddle me when I'm feeling out of it without having to direct everyone.

But I never, ever resent my siblings themselves. Yes, I get frustrated, or annoyed with them. I'm sure I drive them apeshit too. But I always know what a lucky girl I am to have such strong ties with them.

I had a few hits off a joint. It calmed my stomach and nausea down tremendously.

I do not feel the least bit guilty about it. In fact, I am really enjoying the buzz.

lowredmoon: i understand. i did the same thing for nine months. and now i'm back being social and i've found nothing has really changed in that world. focus on you and what you need to do. stay hopeful, your perfect job is right around the corner. what is it you want to do?
((Doodle, yuefie, rose, treehugger, pepper, pixie))

Treehugger & Pepper- I think that if anyone in my family were in that situation I'd feel the same way, dreading the future. I remember a few years ago, there was this special on TV about mother & daughter relationships, and they had these pretty candid interviews. Your situations reminded me of that because there was one woman who was about 40, so I assume her mom was in her 60's or so. She said that she hoped that when her mother got older she became really sick and crazy, and made her really angry because if she lost her mother the way she is now, a sweet woman with a close relationship to her, it would just crush her to have her die. It's irrational, but it kinda makes sense- it's terrible to wish misery upon your own mother, but it would almost be easier if her death was a relief.


(((Pepper))) My hubby's uncle has paranoid schizophrenia. So I really feel for you. Most of them time he deals with it pretty well, he is little off but a seriously sweet man, we just have to be patient with him. But when he goes off his med he becomes extremely difficult to deal with. Over the past few years, he has made amazing strides though. His meds, really keep in check, he got a full time job, and last year he got married. I hope maybe that gives you, some hope.

My confession is that I am elated that my hubby recently discovered what an incredible B*TCH his older sister is. She has been interfering w/ our relationship for the entire six years we have been together. But my hubby has never gotten to upset w/ her since she is family, and she tends to burst out into (Fake) tears whenever she is confronted. But his brother finally sat him down and went into details about things she has said behind our backs and it was a huge wake up call for him. He know hates his sister and never wants to speak to her again. I feel guilty that makes me happy but she has been such a monster over the years! It's a relief to see him actually discovering the real her.

Pollystyrene, building on that point (which I understand): My grandmother had had Alzheimer's for +10 years when she passed away. She was, at that point, like a baby; my mother, aunt, and I took shifts changing, dressing, feeding, bathing, and watching over her. And when she was gone, I felt less like I had lost a mother figure, and more like I had lost a baby/child, because that was the way our relationships with her had been. She was so sweet and loving toward us without having any idea we were her daughters/granddaughter; she depended on us as though we were her mothers. And we loved her in the unconditional, maternal way, though it was strange because we still loved who she had been before. Maybe it would have been easier if she had been irrational and angry.

I'm not saying that I know what it's like to lose one's own child, but that was the event that made me start to question having any of my own, because I knew I'd never get around/over it, just like I never really recovered from losing her.

(((pepper, pixie, yuefie, rose, doodle)))

On a side note, I was not with her the morning she died; my father was gravely ill when she was dying (we almost lost him as well) and I was sleeping in after a adifficult day/night. Anyway, I was dreaming that she was herself again, telling me the story of something that had happened when I was young. And then she walked away, looked back at me over her shoulder, and winked. At that moment, the phone rang, waking me up. It was the news that she had just passed. I feel like she came to tell me goodbye on her way out.

Lest I forget: (((treehugger)))
I'm obsessed with exposing this woman who I've never met as a fraud and a liar. I'm thinking about it way too much. I don't even know her, I'm not personally harmed by her actions, nor do I personally know anybody who is, but I know there are other people being harmed by her, and it's driving me crazy.
confession: i fucking hate the tourists.

my home is located directly next-door to one of the main tourist attractions in this city, and it's a constant stream of buses belching out blue smoke, screaming kids, loud-talkers, people standing in my yard with their cameras (so rude!), SUVs and minivans hogging up all the parking space on the street, and tourists who stare at me like i'm a zoo animal when i'm outside in my yard.

grrrr. mad.gif
I hate tourists too, wasabi, after growing up and working in places that rely on them. One of my favorite bumper stickers is "If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"

When I was fifteen I remember telling my mom that I wish my grandma would hurry up and die. (Not her mom, but my dad's.) It wasn't because she was mean, it was because she was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's and at that point that she was practically a vegetable. so I think I was hoping that her suffering would end soon. I felt horrible afterwards, especially since I saw how emotional my dad was at her funeral, and he never cries. The dumb thing is, the more I learn about her, the more I see my personality in hers and now I'm rather angry at not being able to get to know her better because of this disease that I'm seeing start in my own mom. I wish my life was stable enough now so I could have kids so they could know my parents for who they are, not for what they might be in ten years.

God, I hate worrying about that sort of stuff.

Confession: I called in sick from work today because I had worked thirteen days in a row, did a ton of overtime and was plain old exhausted. I watched Office Space and Monster, redecorated, and ate some good, homemade food and now I feel a hundred times better, but I feel like a wimp because I didn't go in today.
girlbomb, I can't stand people who get away with being cheats and frauds. I'll help you take her down if you want. I could use a project. wink.gif

agent_wasabi, I too hate the fucking tourists. Especially the oh-so-bohemian, pseudo-punk, entitled teenagers who swarm my neighborhood. They roam in packs, wandering around with their mouths hanging open, gaping at storefronts. Yes, storefronts. I guess a lot of the buildings on my street have been photographed for album covers or something, and I can respect a pilgrimage, but pick a spot on the sidewalk and keep moving, dammit! And the kiddies who hang out on the stoop, begging for change and harassing the people who ignore them...if it wasn't totally frivolous, I'd call the cops on them. I don't care about the panhandling, but threatening people because they won't give you any money is too much. Sigh. We're moving soon.

I'm not loving the new lounge so much.
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