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freckle, reading your post made me cry. It wasn't that long ago I had the same thoughts. I hope things get better, or you find a way to make things change. You are a ridiculously cool Busty and I hate that we are powerless to help you.
i have a meeting to go to this evening for work. i really don't want to go. i mean, i don't even HAVE to go, but the VP was so proud that i volunteered to attend and i know it will be good for me professionally if i go. but that was weeks ago that i said i'd go and now i really don't want to. i want to go home and veg and smoke a bowl instead.

i've been trying to think of a "good" reason not to go all day. but nothing has come to mind except what i said up there and well, that's not going to cut it.

if only VP wouldn't be going to the meeting herself tonight, i'd no-show.

i don't even know that i WANT this job and here i am trying to earn kudos.
(((Busties))) I missed not having a modern internet connection for so long!

I'm so unhappy rate now that I just want to sleep or hobble'away!

I went to Nova Scotia to work and see my family for the summer...3 wks in Mr Db (whom I've been with for 4 yrs stayed in Mtl) decided that tho the idea of me being away for 2mths was ok. In reality he missed me / was lonely and wanted me to come back... This was very sweet and it really broke my heart so I came back this past weekend. I'M SO MISERABLE HERE!!

I left Mtl for the summer because I can't take the humidity and I miss my family like a homesick kid at camp! I broke my foot 3wks ago so my mobility is limited/non existant in a city that I have to depend on public transport. As soon as I got back in the door of my apartment all my creative juices dried up (I was sewing like a mad fool at my family's home)! It was so nice in Nova Scotia! I was successfully losing weight, seeing my girls whom I missed and sewing more than I have since I finished school. Not to mention the beach being 5min away and I could get around foot or not because I had a car. Now back in Mtl everythings the polar opposite...

I'm sorry Busties to sound like a whiny brat! (I'm sure this post belongs somewhere else, but haven't figured out where)

I came back because it was the right thing to do but am miserable! My parents are driving thru Mtl on their way back from Niagra Falls in 2 weeks and they offered to drive me and Mr Db back for vacation. He hasn't been too resposive about going...Will it be really bad if I go back with them for the rest of the summer?

I think going back w/ your folks makes sense, but is there maybe a larger issue than just what you wrote at the underlying of it?
don't mean to read too much into it, so disregard if you want smile.gif
I am very sorry about your broken foot. lots and lots of gentleness w/ it and really honestly try to stay off it as much as possible.
in looking thru pictures from 6 years ago, i came across a particularly striking one of me. where i weighed 35 lbs less. i am now in full-throttle self-loathing. and i hate myself even more for how i allow my weight to affect my self-image.

i also stumbled upon a picture of long-estranged bestgalpal. (i thought i'd ripped them all up, dammit.) and with all the alleged "closure" i've convinced myself of, and no matter how justified i feel in my good-riddance vitriol ... just seeing her again ... hit my like a jackhammer ... and i'm horrified to realize that, if she emailed me tomorrow, i'd take her back in a heartbeat. i thought i was over her. i thought i'd moved on. but now i'm depressed as hell to realize that, no matter how toxic, she was a fucking riot and i'll never have a best friend like her again. fucking bitch can still melt my heart.
You're overweight? Seriously?
QUOTE(mandolyn @ Jul 18 2006, 08:12 PM) *

in looking thru pictures from 6 years ago, i came across a particularly striking one of me. where i weighed 35 lbs less. i am now in full-throttle self-loathing. and i hate myself even more for how i allow my weight to affect my self-image.

i also stumbled upon a picture of long-estranged bestgalpal. (i thought i'd ripped them all up, dammit.) and with all the alleged "closure" i've convinced myself of, and no matter how justified i feel in my good-riddance vitriol ... just seeing her again ... hit my like a jackhammer ... and i'm horrified to realize that, if she emailed me tomorrow, i'd take her back in a heartbeat. i thought i was over her. i thought i'd moved on. but now i'm depressed as hell to realize that, no matter how toxic, she was a fucking riot and i'll never have a best friend like her again. fucking bitch can still melt my heart.


the freakish nature of our parallel lives is spooking me right now.

I had a friend like that once, too, and just yesterday found a photo of her, probably one of the last times I ever saw her, along w/ an article copy of a newspaper collum she used to write, much of which detailed the craziness of our adventures together. and now I think ' I had NO idea who she really was and how much she was hurting.' and that hurts, but it also reminds me of why we parted ways. she was sick, scary crazy mentally go in the hospital sick and had been manipulating me for quite some time. breaking up was really the only choice I had, even though I realise now I probably will never get over her, and yes, I do still read where she posts online (I should be ashamed but I can't stop) bc my heart and mind still miss her, even though I know she's toxic. partly I read her stuff (not often) to remind me of why I can't be friends w/ her anymore, bc I'm sometimes still so tempted to contact her again.

I don't know what happened between you & your friend Mandi, but I know You (or sorta, you know?) and for whatever reason there was, you deserve better. you are such a good, Kind person and you have a HUMONGO Heart, one of the biggest, and sometimes sweet & silliest I've ever encountered and a friendship like yours should be valued and appreciated.

I hate that you hurt, and let me just add, your friend was a real dumbass if she let you go.

sorry for intruding on your private thoughts,
yeah, i farted. probably from eating all those peanuts.
I'm still in love with Cute Roommate, even though he' hasn't been my roommate in more than a year, even though he no longer talks to me (I wish he'd tell me why so I could do something about it), even though the whole friendship we had was questionable in many ways and crossed many boundaries. I miss him something fierce.
in looking thru pictures from 6 years ago, i came across a particularly striking one of me. where i weighed 35 lbs less. i am now in full-throttle self-loathing. and i hate myself even more for how i allow my weight to affect my self-image.

(ohgod. word. for. word. how i feel.)
I peed in the shower yesterday--the first time in like 20 years.
(((freckle))) i PM'd you, sweetpea.

and (((crazyoldcatlady))). because you know.
((freckle)) thks for the well wishes. What underlying issue do you see?
Any advice at this point is welcome! My issue is that I really have no more love for Montreal! I am here for MrDb and cheap tuition (that's what i've been telling myself)...I've had enough of the partying and cosmo life! I'm from the country and prefer the life and pace of the Maritimes. When I'm in school I can put the negative aspects of Mtl aside by keeping in mind that I will settle there when I'm done school. However, being on unemployment w/ a broken foot in the city during the hottest months of the year makes me wilt physically and mentally! I can't even bring myself to sew and I have been sleeping for 10+ hrs a day since I got back! not good!!

((Mando)) and ((other busties looking at old pics)) - I feel like I've been hit by a bus when I look at photos from years ago! I know I'm better off without these people, toxic friends and galpals is not where I'm at...Still brings a tear to my eye and a big smile remembering the fun times we had and how hot I looked 15lbs lighter!

confession: I'm hobbling off to the public pool to roast myself a beautiful shade of tan and to read myself into calmness...I feel no guilt for the tan or waste of afternoon cool.gif
db, that is in NO way a waste of an afternoon. Just don't burn! tongue.gif


I used to raid both my father's porn and his weed when I was growing up. My excuse for the weed was that he smoked it so rarely that he probably wouldn't notice I was replacing what I took with oregano. No excuse for the porn except horniness.

I feel like I'm supposed to hate being as dependent as I am on Mr.Luci, but the truth is, I really love the feeling of being taken care of. As it's only for the summer, I'm trying not to beat myself up about it too much.

I'm terrified and exhilarated by the prospect of returning to college, yet again, in the Fall. I keep trying to put it out of my mind, and by procrastinating on some Very Important Forms, but the orientation of Monday and Tuesday really threw everything into sharp relief. My program is demanding as all hell, and I'm terrified that Mr.Luci is going to feel slighted when I have to stay on campus until 10, 11, midnight, what-have-you, until the job is done. He is supportive, but I know he's also pouting about it, as well as concerned for my safety so far from home (Purchase to Manhattan is about an hour with train, subway, and car changes)...which is why I just KNOW Mando will let me stay the night with her if I need to wink.gif

That said, I'm also hella full of myself about my program and accomplishments. I'm afraid I'm going to either go in too humble or too arrogant and screw myself either way.
anna k
Sometimes I want to drop out of college (I have about 50 credits left) so I could start my career in newspapers. But I'm scared that I wouldn't get a job due to detective work finding out that I didn't graduate, and no well-paying job. So it's school for now.
I have suddenly become an insomniac and I hate it. I went from getting 8hrs or more a night and now am getting 4hrs. This of course happens when I am in Boone N.C. taking two graduate level classes. I am doing this instead of working on my final project because I am so tired that I can't think. Not being able to get a full night sleep sucks and i still have another week of class
I LJ-spy on a dude I had a month-long thing with because he's such a goddamned entitled asshole and I'm a fucking masochist (if anyone recalls as far back as last year in the crushies thread, this is Mister "Sex later, we're watching TV now"). When his bills would arrive in the mail he didn't even open them; just put them in the parchment pre-addressed and stamped envelopes and sent them along to his grandpapa's lawyer. He's moving to NYC and has posted pictures of his twice-the-size-of-our-one-bedroom-for-two-people huge studio loft in Brooklyn. I wish his trustfund would suddenly dry up. So there. Because I'm so fucking envious.
I need to focus on finding a new job. But I've been avoiding anything that smacks of responsibility...I don't even think about job hunting. Instead, I've been having lots of sex with an alcoholic womanizer and thinking about buying new shoes (not at the same time).
i was right. i am isolating myself and self-destructing.
I think I'm afraid of listening to my voicemail. It takes me days before I listen to any messages I might have, for fear it might be some bad news, especially if it's a number I don't recognize and I'm not expecting any calls.

I used to hate phones for the longest time, and still do a tiny bit. I'm still a little scared to call people. If I could get rid of my phone, I would, but I need it.
I'm scared of phones too.
I == trumpet trumpeting sound here please ==

learned how to access my cell phone voicemail yesterday!!!!!!

regular phones don't bother me, but I hatey hate hate my cell/cells in general.
it heats up like a curling iron next to my cheek if I talk on it more than 5 minutes or so, but as I try not to use it very often, don't feel it's worth the effort of taking it in to exchange.

up to now I've just been telling everyone my voicemail was broken when I've had it almost 2 whole years now.
Me too, lilacwine. I think it's actually become a full-blown phobia at this point
add me to the phone-phobic list.

i don't like even answering my phone at work because i just don't want to deal with it. i don't call friends like i should, and you can believe i'm not calling a mere "acquaintance" unless i have to. i don't like checking messages unless they're from people i know and that i know aren't going to be asking me for something.

i think i'm a bad friend because i always feel like people want to take something from me that i'm not willing to give. friendship is too much work sometimes. unless i can find people who don't expect phone calls.

if i could live by communicating only through email and text messages, my anxiety would be cut in half. well, at least a quarter...
Wow, I always thought I was weird! Mr. Pixie hates it when I ask him to make important calls for me because I just hate doing it. Especially when I have to ask someone to do something for me or fix a billing problem ect. I could never work in a sales job where you have to make cold calls, or a call center. *shivers*
I HATE answering the phone. I'm getting better about it, but when I DO answer, my dad will just wait for the beep, so will my mom. I'll answer and say "Hello?" and they'll just say nothing, they are so shocked that I'm actually answering.

I feel bad, my mom's always saying "I miss hearing your voice."

I just don't like the way it's expected that you will talk to someone right when they call. Like, drop everything to answer the phone? No way, I want to watch this show, or finish this conversation, etc.

At my old job as a therapist/etc. I had total dread of checking my voice mail in case it was something bad. I would feel so happy and relieved when the voice would say "you have no new messages." Yay!
On the other end of the phone spectrum. I am obsessed with my phone. I get sad when people don't call me, and I love love love getting text messages, especially when they are something like my now ex boy toys cock. So bad its good. *sigh* I'm lonely.....
culture, that's exactly how i feel about text messages. my phone makes that special sound that i have a new text and my belly flipflops wondering who it is and what it could be about.

but when the phone RINGS, i get nervous and usually let it go to vm and then call the person back (maybe).

pixie, calling about billing issues or ordering things on the phone is the sort of thing i DON'T mind. i get satisfaction out of getting my way out of a false bill or whatever. it's those pesky FRIENDS that i hate talking to...

i'm pathetic!
haha before I got a cellphone, it always annoyed me when someone called me back after I left them a message, without first listening to the message. But now I do it all the time because I hate listening to voicemail as well. I'm also always scared that it's something bad.

Falljackets, I feel the same way as you about calling friends, as well as keeping in touch in general. But that's how I've always been-it's no secret. I'd always rather have any conversation in person, rather than on the phone, no matter how serious, uncomfortable, or light-natured it is. There is just so much sincerity and visual gesture lost on the phone. I'd be delighted if they just showed up at my door instead. And I think that caller I.D. is the best invention EVER. I think most people can agree.
I hate phones too. The problem is, I also hate text messaging and instant messaging, so the only way to get ahold of me is email, and that drives a few people I know crazy.

I'm getting better at using a telephone at work though. At first I'd be afraid to phone people because I didn't want to interrupt or bother them (probably because that's how I feel when people phone me) but I'm able to get over it if it's my job to make that call, and their job to answer it. I am important enough, damn it. I could never work at a call centre though. And I'm glad that my desk at work doesn't have a phone, cuz I hardly ever have to answer it.

But I almost never phone friends. I have one friend who I love, but I know if I get her on the phone we'll talk for hours because we haven't talked in so long and she's a chatterbox. I hardly ever have 3 hours at a time that I can just spend chatting, so I don't call her, making it even worse the next time we talk. Oy.
confession: i lack sympathy for people whom i believe to be less emotionally evolved than me (which is totally unfair because it wasn't so long ago that i was emotionaly un-evolved). like, if you've almost reached 30 and you're still too afraid to deal with your shit and you're still repeating the same old tired patterns over and over again but expecting different results, then i can't be bothered to listen to you whine. pull your socks up and get over yourself. we are all in charge of our own happiness and we are the ones who choose how we react to situations. there, i said it. i know it wasn't very nice, but it's honest.

also, i'm not a big fan of the phone either. i owe so many phone calls right now but i just can't be bothered to pick up that phone. i hate sitting around with a phone attached to my ear - i always feel like i could be doing something better with my time or like i might be missing out on something. i find talking on the phone really awkward too - there are no facial expressions or bodily cues to go with the words, and i wind up feeling totally socially inept. especially when the reception isn't good on cell phones and there are those awkward pauses or the beginning of your sentence gets cut off...
Also about the phone. I hate it when people do not call me back, but I am the worst for phoning people back. Especially my clients. I work for social assistance, and find my clients whiney, annoying, and generally to be a pain in my ass. I also HATE it when people call me and leave me a message that says "I don't have a phone, how am I supposed to call you back?" What the fuck are you calling me on then you half fucking wit????

The only reason I ate today wa because I had too, I didn't really want to.

I want a boy toy, I want to seduce a few men, but it just is not working, what the hell is wrong with 30something men now? Who the hell doesn't want to be friends with benefits only? I am not looking for a relationship in the slightest. Fucking men.
I stereotype. When I'm angry at one man, I hate ALL men.
I am sooooooooo angry.

So angry.

I must be doing this to myself.
anna k
I don't like cell phones. Sometimes I talk on them in front of people, which makes me uncomfortable. I like the idea of them, I just don't like all the additives and toy-like features to them.
I thought I was alone in my phone fears. I'm glad to know there's others yet sorry we go through this. I hate making calls, I have to do a whole bunch of psyching up to make one, personal or professional. Except to those I am really close to which is about 3 or 4 people. Answering is not so bad. Most of the time I'd rather answer the call because that will prevent me from having to place a return one.

I've been feeling really depressed lately. I should be happy, I got the job I wanted (or thought I wanted). I was doing so well lately-even starting to exercise and do yoga again. Now this.
You know, I don't feel bad about not liking telephones. I used to, but now I think that they don't match how human beings communicate. We aren't meant to communicate without either the body language that comes with in-person communication, or the carefully thought-out time that we can take with written communication. The telephone offers neither of these, and I think that while there are some people who've adapted to that style of communication nicely and therefore have no problem communicating by telephone, there are other people (like us) who just can't deal with communicating with a disembodied voice. I mean they've been around for about one hundred years? There are so many things in our lives that we take for granted as being necessary and unquestionable, when really time has not yet shown if they are useful or harmful.
wow, i never would have thought i had a little phone phobia, but after reading all of your posts, i think i do! i sometimes cringe when my phone rings, because it doesn't have caller id, and there are just some people, that some of the time, i would rather not talk to. but once i pick up, i'm stuck. and i don't have voicemail on my home phone, so i can't just let it go to vm. if i don't pick up, then i obsess over who it could it have been.

my cell phone has caller id and voicemail. sometimes i'll just let it go to vm if i don't know who is calling, because i'm nervous to answer it. gah.

and i worked in child protection a couple of years ago, and i *hated* answering the phone, and making phone calls. sometimes i would write everything i needed to say down on paper and read off of it. most of the time, voicemail was a saviour. and then i could prepare myself to make the call-back.

i once heard on the radio (i live in canada) this song that was done by bruce mccollough (sp?) from kids in the hall - called something like "i love my answering machine". there were lyrics in it that went something like "my friends all call and they tell me to pick up and i say no"...i'm really not doing the song justice, but i loved it. i've searched for it on the internet, but have never found it.

so, my confession for tonight (and my life, really), is that i let worry dominate and run my life! i worry obsessively about everything...every little tiny thing! if i am not worried, i am out of my element! damn it, i wish i could just let things happen, do my own thing, and not have to worry about it. i worry about what i did, what i didn't do, what i said or not said, how i said it, etc.

i wish i were more carefree...
At my national honor society induction in high school, they had the senior members read little biographies of the incoming folk. Mine was written and read by a good friend of mine from the tennis team, and was really funny, if you knew me. The first sentence was "Luci enjoys chewing gum, brushing her hair, and talking with boys on the phone." Big laughs from my friends and parents. Superintendent takes the podium a little while later (I was last - last name at the end of the alphabet), and makes some really inappropriate joke about how the two us will be talking on the phone later that night. It was creepy and I was embarassed, and felt weird about it for a week, like I was somehow at fault. Pissed my parents right off, too. I wish I had had the resources to articulate how I felt at the time. I would have demanded an apology, I think.
Your post reminded me of something I did at a school function, lucizoe- somewhat unrelated, but my 8th grade graduation, they had us all sitting on chairs on risers in front of the auditorium stage. I got stuck sitting next to this kid who was part asshole, part class clown (funny when he's making fun of other people, not so much you), but he was cracking jokes under his breath the whole time, making sarcastic comments about the speakers and stuff...I was nervous about being up there and giddy about getting the hell out of junior high (the deepest pit in hell) and I was basically laughing uncontrollably through the whole ceremony. Not out loud, but very obviously laughing, red-faced, trying to hold it in...the ceremony just went on and on forever and this district administrator got up there and made this very dull long speech and this kid kept making me laugh. I couldn't help it. One of the teachers who helped organize the ceremony got up to go hand out diplomas at the end, and I was on the aisle in the second row, and as she got up from her front-row audience seat she hissed at me, "shut up, you're embarrassing us" or something like that. I stopped for a second, but then started again...oh, it was awful. I was totally ashamed of it for a long time afterwards, but no one ever said anything to me about it, not even my parents.
confession: going ahead a reading a lot of the posts of the people that are on my ignore list. For some reason I find it amusing to see them spewing off to themselves. It gives me a wicked sense of pleasure! And Yuefie...the one we the most amusing of all!
I am uber vain. It brings me great joy when I go somehwere and realize I am the prettiest person there.

I can't make I eye contact w/ people standing on corners holding signs(like when businesses go out of business) b/c I know when I was a evil teenager I would have driven by and shot them w/ a water gun or sprayed them w/ silly string. But now that I am older thier job seems super degrading and I feel bad for them.
Phones kind of creep me out too, but I feel bad I don't call my friends more so I force myself to do it. But I feel I have probably lost some friends cause I didn't call often enough. I don't listen to the messages very often cause we get crappy telemarketers, so I don't return their messages and some have stopped leaving them.

that said though, I love to talk if a friend calls me, and my favorite call is one where me and a friend arrange to meet IN PERSON.


I should give out more of what I like to get!!

But I'm afraid the person on the other end hates phones as much as I do and it makes me paranoid to call...

ha! circular kind of thing.

I really hate cell phones, I only got one because I figure they are a basic presumption/minimum necessity to survive in this world and do any sort of business function any more...
I laughed at the valedictorian speech at my high school graduation. I couldn't help it. That girl was such a freaking dunce. My brother and his girlfriend said they could see me rolling my eyes the whole time. Meh.
I'm jumping in on the telephone hate. I answer the phone all day at work and by the time I get home I have NO interest in listening to the phone ring. I screen all my calls so I can avoid anyone trying to sell me cable or new windows or solicit my opinion on something (and yes, I'm supposedly on the Do Not Call registry, but it's pretty worthless IMO.) And lots of times I don't want to talk to my friends or family, so I just pretend I'm not home. My answering machine message is pretty bitchy sometimes, too - amazing how much grief I get for that. I'm allowed to be as misanthropic as I want at home, people, 'cause I have to be nice to people all day at work and that's not really my nature - I gots lots of spillover hostility to get rid of. cool.gif
Oh ginger, I am the same way. I am highly vain, think that I am fantastic looking, and think I am highly intelligent. I also think that when someone doesn't like me, it such a huge loss for them.
oh goodness. confession. i am going to buy a pair of those hideous plastic holey shoes. i picked out the bright bubblegum pink pair 'cause i guess if i'm gonna go that way i can at least do it large. ooh, they are just so ugly. but so comfortable. tragic. my friend was with me, alls she could say was "why? just...why?"

i got another one but it belongs in sins so here i go.
i bought some of those bubblegum pink holey shoes too. then i bought a black pair because they are so damn comfortable and i was too embarrassed to wear the pink ones out of the house. so now i wear the black ones around and even though i feel like a total dork with them on, my feets are so very very happy in them!!!
I'm jumping on the wagon when it comes to phones and those silly high school grad stuff!

I had a cell phone practically glued to my ear for 4 years! I missed my everyone back home and I just talk too much!! To top it off I worked for ATT and was a supervisor at a call center for 2 years...If I have a tumor as a result of this gross over use of phones I will not be suprised! I'm sure I paid someone's tuition with the bills I had, too bad it wasn't mine! Now it's the other way around, at some point I had enough of calls that started "where are you?" The whole cell phone thing has made some of us forget our manners! Now when the phone rings unless it's family you have a less than 50/50 chance of us (Mr db) answering.

I was late for my highschool grad because I was hungover from a party and was sunning it away on the beach with my best friend (who I really miss now that we don't really talk anymore). I still remember my Mom threatening me because I was being so nonchalant and had sand on me as I was putting on that stupid gown! I spent the whole ceremony laughing playing the game of "where will they be" with the guy next to me.

Last confession: Because of la broken foot aka"flipper" I have 3 pairs of flip flops that I can wear without pain and pressure...I had enough of seeing my pretty summer shoes staring at me all sad so I bought a pair of cork wedges and had them stretched out so I can at least wear one pair of sexy shoes before it snows!
Wow, I'm surprised so many people here don't like phones. I don't mind answering it, but that's because I won't have to listen to the voicemail, and I won't have to call the person back. About the only people I can stand talking to on the phone are those who live great distances away and I don't talk to on a regular basis, but I would much rather talk to anyone in person than on the phone. When I was in high school and one of my friends would call me up just to talk, it would annoy me because I'd be wasting my time and we didn't live far apart. Even now, when I talk to someone for longer than five minutes, I find myself doing chores around the house, watching TV, etc., because I feel like I have to be doing something.

Ambercherry, I am a huge worrier too, and I can't seem to stop.

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