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Sometimes I want to drop everything in my life, despite how deep into it all that I am, and create an entirely new one. I don't have a bad life, but I feel that there is so little freedom to change it, and that terrifies and suffocates me. This is a secret because it would fuck up so much if I told the people who it would really affect.
humanist, i feel like that, too. the only thing that keeps me here is i can't ever imagine making friends like the two that mean most to me ever again
I'm feeling antisocial again. And my friends are inviting me to spend time with them. But I'm just... so... I don't know. *sigh*.

I don't think the prozac is working.
early in my professional training years, i had to work with a chaplain. we exchanged a few professional emails, until one day i got one that was out-of-the-blue, thinly veiled come-on. i showed my friend, and she said to ignore it, just not respond. i showed it to my bf at the time, and he went off, basically saying i must have done something to provoke that. i wish i hadn't listened to either of them.

i'm homesick.

i'm feeling antisocial too, but then get upset when i'm alone.
I had sex with a perfect stranger this past weekend. He is a 35 year old divorced man with three children. We are fuck friends, and it feels great. I don't know if I can go back to men my age, I have been fucking men significantly older than me since I was 17. I do not want to go back to men in their twenties. It isn't satisfying because all they care about is getting themselves off.

All I think about is sex. All I want to do is have sex.

I am very left wing, but working at the job I am at, I think that people who are capable of working, (as in single people), are lazy and unmotivated and it makes me mental that my tax dollars are going to support 18 years old fresh off their parents file.

I blame my mom for everything in my life that doesn't work...I have disowned my family because they are toxic...I fear that I will end up old and alone and on the street...
my ex is in town for work and we got together for dinner tonight. We ended up making out afterwards. i had to stop it before it went too far...but I do not feel guilty about making out with him.

All I think about these days is sex also. I just wanna have sex.

I can't sleep lately. I have horrible insomnia. its fucking with my life, cause i am tired all day
Does anyone else feel like the bad one, or is it just me?

I'm always the bad friend, the bad daughter, the bad co-worker, the bad pet owner, the bad neighbor, the bad student. Or I'm the weird one and not in a good way. This has been a theme in my life and I hate it. It makes me boo hoo like a little baby. Of course, it's my fault but even when I try to be a good person I always end up right back there.
I feel I have to "confess" that I'm not a nut and that makes the actual nuts defensive. And I'm not narrow minded about it, but I have to "confess" about my dad's illlness and my mother's stress about dealing with it when I get to know people to a certain intimate degree because at some point family will come up.

They'll say their mom gave them a check or ask what I'm doing for Christmas or whatever -- and even then it's not the first thing I say to people, and probably never at work or something -- I'm not STUPID

But then say I told someone I was really close to that I could trust not to be a jerk -- or I know it's gotten out because some of my former roommates were gossipy catty substance abusing jerks and my dad would call and say weird things -- i know it must be going around my friends in town some way

my friends from los angeles have not called me and they always come back on fourth of july. I called and told them I would be away thiis year for the weekend, but they usually come for the week and they didn't call with any regrets either. Now, i should stay in touch with them more, call them and not just see them when they visit -- but they have always called me and my guy to go hang out -- even after one of our mutual friends dumpted us.

They were really cool and I have this nightmare that the reason they did not call is that they found out my parents were wack and this guy that we broke it off with had been working and working and working to try and get other mutual friends not to like us -- it had not been working but maybe now it is working.

I dunno.
I had a reasonably stable home life despite it all, went to school, wrent to work, acquired skills, learned how to eat properly and exercise and meditate, made friends, got involved in music and art and sex and traveled and did wild things with my looks ...

when I finally got my degree I had two jobs and a student loan and a maxed out credit card and a car I bought and paid for and maintained myself -- hardly enough time for sleep - that's when this guy dumped me and my guy and tried to turn people against us -- I don't know if he "found out " or what but he told me he thought I was crazy or on medications -- never have i been either one .

He said this to be mean to me because he must have known that is the worst thing he could say to me . because a friend of a frriend must have told him about my family so when he gets mad at me that's what he comes up with. Also he and some of his friends are married to women that they keep down by reminding them of their clinical level of depression. If they get too rebellious or angry they must be having an episode and should take more medication, according to him. he has this "righteous hippie dude" judgement and condemnation toward anyone who is ever angry for any reason at any time, especially -- a woman!! All I did was tell his girlfriend -- now wife -- that the reason I was walking funny after I'd driven them to a holiday weekend six hours away is because I had had surgery on my back and it was nothing to laugh at, and that I knew she hadn't known that before hand -- it's like -- and then I dropped it - one sentence, no more -- not some kind of drama for the whole weekend - and I just feel like, what, did this "righteous dude" judgemental control freak jerk get to them?

I just feel like -- no crazy person, or even person with depressive episodes, medications, substance abuse or whatever could ever have done what I have done -- could ever have gotten through the years of sacrifice it took for me to get skills and schooling.

and then -- sometimes people who have had these problems are next to me telling me that they will take advantage of me, that they will try to win artistic recognition or skilled jobs away from me, or a better position at work and that there is nothing I can do about it -- ha ha, I should be a sleazy manipulative hustler too or I'm just stupid!! And I better not RESENT them.

Most people resent people who take advantage. Taking advantage - that's what it's called -- It's a deeply unsavory thing.

I already suffered financial and emotional deprivation unjustly because of someone ELSE's problems - that they didn't CARE ENOUGH ABOUT THEIR OWN CHILD to FIX. I was forced to accomodate them.

This is not in any way a judgement of people like the depressed moms on this board because they DO something about it -- they don't just leave their kid to sink or swim and get self-absorbed.

What's happening with me now is I finally have prosperity and security and a nice apartment and a nice man and i can have people over -- and I wonder where my friends have gone. I still have some left, but have i just neglected people too much? All I've done is work work work work work,

Finally I can get back to the gym and I can do my writing again in a beautiful spot -- i had to give both up for two months!!

I started to do something I dreaded -- get snappish and withdrawn at work . It was just a ton of work at home and a ton of work at work and no play time and no satisfying payoff and a disruption in my gym and writing !! waah!!

I need to be happy at work and sociable and I need to have people over -- I need to save money for a laptop and not spend it on eating meals out because I'm too stressy to cook -- I've got a nice kitchen now.

It's time for me to realize I have a good life, but , I don't know, have I blown it? Are there some things I have to restart from scratch? Have any of you been through this? I can't look back, ya know, I thought I was cool with it but I don't like to lose friends.

Or neglect my body or soul or anything.

fam dam.
You look an awful lot like me with black hair in that picture of yours. Now I'm wondering if it's just the angle, or if maybe we really do look alike, or maybe I'm just vain.
I was *thisfar* from busting some skulls last night. We played a team everybody hates because they're total dicks. They kick the machines & generally tear shit up. Anger management issues, they FLIP out if you're not playing fast enough because they're lives are so busy & important. Then why did you sign on for something that starts LATE at night, spastic? How busy you are tomorrow didn't mean dick to me right then. I was having fun/getting my drink on/bad fried food on. I was also forced to spend three hours with a guy in an A&F shirt & a crass handle.
Half the time when Mr. Dusty puts on a cd at my place, I don't recognize it. Do you think I might have too many cds?
Confession: I produced some tears in an auto shop yesterday, hoping it would "encourage" them to get my car fixed sooner. It did.

Confession: I produced some tears in an auto shop yesterday, hoping it would "encourage" them to get my car fixed sooner. It did.

But I just want to say that I sat quietly in the corner and did it. I didn't start crying during a conversation or anything. PLUS I actually was crying for a reason...if they didn't fix my car before they closed, I would have had to spend my grocery money for the next week to stay in a hotel (peak season, B.C. tourist town).
Dusty, the same thing happens to me all the time. It's rather embarassing, especially since that's happened in front of a couple of acquaintances more than once.

confession: Yesterday I spent the morning looking up old classmates on MySpace and gloated how I look better than them. Never mind that my life isn't that great, but I think I needed something to make me feel like I'm not a total waste.

I want to google this old crush I had in high school, but I think it's to see if I've managed to do better than him or to find out if he's fat and balding yet.
Even after I "flounced" I lurked on Bust just as much as if I had continued posting. dry.gif I think I'm addicted!
"hello, my name is pixiedust, and I'm a bust junkie"
Dusty same. And it can be really embarrassing.

Children annoy me. I say I don't want them. I still daydream about being pregnant and am jealous of women who are pregnant.
There is a chance that my new boy toy is moving away, and this makes me slightly sad. It's not like I like him in a romantic sense, but he is a good person. Fuck.

To humilate my ex, who humilated me, I was thinking of telling people the reason for the break up was because he was bisexual and he met a man, whom he is now living with. This would be humiliating for him because hecomes from a traditional Mexican family and the Latin community in this city is small and this would spread like wildfire....but then my fear of karma kicks in. Double fuck.

I would like to get my shit in order, but I am too lazy and all I care about at this point is having sex with my boy toy. Triple fuck.

Oooo, I jsut noticed the number of posts in here was 666 and even though I am not religious or generally superstitious, it made me feel a bit funny and I had to break it.

I have no idea what I want in my current relationship.

I can't help but love it when the boys at work flirt with me.

I flirt back.

OT-punker, I just have to note that it has recently been discovered from ancient texts that the number of the devil is actually 616! I heard this on NPR..

QUOTE(saktii @ Jul 11 2006, 09:14 AM) *

You look an awful lot like me with black hair in that picture of yours. Now I'm wondering if it's just the angle, or if maybe we really do look alike, or maybe I'm just vain.

Hehe-neat! Is there a photo of yourself that I can see anywhere?
Huh, I guess I didn't need to freak out then! We should check to see if post 616 was by a troll!
sad.gif Dammit, I told my crush at work it was 636.

I think I'm developing some sort of brain disorder.

I forgot to take my birth control pills for about three days a couple weeks ago, fortunately my period came soon after that and I was able to get a refill after it ended. I am feeling rather lucky right now.

I am beyond happy for the ignore feature here not just because of the known trolls, but because there is a certain regular poster who annoys the living fuck out of me with their know-it-all posts and the blatant rudeness to others. I've seen this person be a complete asshole in a thread with highly sensitive subject matter, and have been thoroughly irritated by every post I've run across by them since. I know we don't all like eacother, and never will. But when your comments are disrespectful to other members, yet you claim to be a legitimate BUSTie, I don't want to have to read the asinine shit that is spewing from your idiotic mouth.

There, I said it.

Sometimes I feel like being married makes me boring.

I used to care so much about social injustice, and I feel like I've become too comfortable in my life to give a shit anymore.

I can't be bothered to get involved in community activism because I'm too selfish with my free time and have no hope that any of it actually makes a difference.
QUOTE(humanist77 @ Jul 11 2006, 07:58 PM) *

OT-punker, I just have to note that it has recently been discovered from ancient texts that the number of the devil is actually 616! I heard this on NPR..
Hehe-neat! Is there a photo of yourself that I can see anywhere?

There are a few of me on "Say Cheese"... I'll upload a couple more over there. That would be awesome if we really did look alike.
confession: every time I see the intro to CSI where William Peterson's name comes up, I think of aural and speedy and wish I knew how the whole fat thing got started.
I need a shower. I hate the loud-mouthed women that live across the street that insist on sitting on their stoop squealing & cackling. I have too many men in my life. The fates are conspiring against me. I still hate my mother, but I'm playing nice so I can lure her into a false sense of security & fuck her over down the line. I'm wondering if my baby saw the 616 stamped on the back of my head when he was cleaning my wound.

It all started in Media Whores, lot49. Speedy was talkin' shit about how emasculated Wm. Petersen is now compared to the To Live & Die in LA/Manhunter period. Personally, I think he's just gotten better with age. I have a fondness for middle aged spread & salt & pepper. The man I'm seeing now looks nothing like Wm. Petersen, but they've got the same kind of mad scientist vibe. My baby is a scientist, but Petersen only plays one on tv.
aw, thanks for that aural!

I'll just go off and nurse my deep sense of satisfaction now.
I really do love all you fabulous BUSTies. Sometimes I feel even closer to some of you than I do with my real life friends. I mean, I know it's not the same. It's virtual freindship and love, but somehow I feel it's more than just that. I feel like I am more myself with many of you, than I am with them. I feel uncensored here, in a way that I am often not with people I interact with in person. It's like I am afraid of disappointing them. But here I feel accepted even when I am being my ugliest self.

So yeah, I am feeling like a big, mushy, marshmallow now, and all weepy and shit. *group hug*

And about my earlier confession, the poster in question wrote some pretty inflammtory stuff in some of the F-Word threads, most specifically the Survivors Space thead quite a while back, and I've been harboring a grudge. I just plain don't like the antagonistic tone of their posts and frankly find them to be a nasty douche. The funny thing is I've never had any interaction with them myself, but have watched how they've responded to others and just been disgusted. Oh well, that is greatest part about the new board, to each their own.

Wasabi is back! hi!
I feel you, Yuefie(((((yuefie)))))))

*flings both arms around yuefie*

Can I admit to feeling the same?
Um, not only do I agree with Yuefie, but she's hella hot. Babe, you could never be ugly in my eyes. You could burn down my house & I'd be cool with it. *wolfwhistle*

Jebus, why couldn't you have made me a charming & persuasive dyke instead of a lovelorn hetero geek magnet?

I get off on having people towed. The super cute tow boy knows me by name. When I had whomever towed last night, I came down & presented my parking permit to super cute & he just waved me away. "If he'd just have said it was Aural we wouldn't have needed to go through all this. You know what to do." He really is cute, though.

P.S. It's not fair that I'm not a fag either, because Mr. Magnetic Fields/Merrit is one of the boys o' my dreams.
*waves* hi!
agent_wasabi = island_girl. i couldn't get my old username to work, so i changed my name. just wanted to clarify my secret identity because i think there used to be a wasabininja on the boards, but she's a different wasabi. smile.gif

QUOTE(opheliathemuse @ Jul 13 2006, 11:55 PM) *

Wasabi is back! hi!

I want in on the group hug! Can we add a little boobiesquishing just for fun! I haven't had me soem boobiesquishing in a while!
QUOTE(auralpoison @ Jul 14 2006, 09:14 AM) *
Um, not only do I agree with Yuefie, but she's hella hot. Babe, you could never be ugly in my eyes. You could burn down my house & I'd be cool with it. *wolfwhistle*

*blushing and batting my eyelashes*

Why lil' ol moi? Tee hee, thanks Aural!

I too get off on having people towed. But last weekend I was so tired that when I came home to no parking because of all the unauthorized cars in the lot, I actually broke down in tears of frustration and drove the 2 miles to my sisters to sleep there. It was late, I could hardly see and I felt like a giant wuss for some reason. I hate when I feel like that, like I used to when I didn't know how to stand up for myself.

When I was younger I worked for this wretched bitch who used my low self esteem to her advantage. She hired me, semi trained me and then crowed to anyone who'd listen about the "faith" she had in me when I had "no work experience at all", save for all the babysitting I did growing up. Once I was finished with the required schooling and had some practical experience under my belt, she forced me to do the majority of the work while she took all the credit. She mostly sat at her desk with her feet up, licking lolipops while playing games on her ancient computer or chatting on the phone, all while I illegally taught a classroom full of 3, 4 and 5 year olds, with no help. If I had to go to the restroom, I had to wait until she felt like mozying herself back in to relieve me. And to top it all off, I was on salary, and working for a church, so if you broke down what they were paying me for the number of hours I put in (not including the weekends spent santizing the classroom, and shopping to restock supplies), I was making something like $2.25 an hour. She was embezzling from the preschool, and was awful to the kids, but of course nobody believed me. When I went to the Pastor, he accused me of being "hysterical" and "overly emotional". That's why it was so hilarious to me that when I quit, so did she. My last day there, she left early and I was later told never came back. She and I built that school together, from the ground up, while she got all the glory. In the end, she knew she couldn't do it without me, because she didn't really know what to do. Her fancy degree did nothing for her practical knowledge of the job, and she was terrified of being there with someone else she couldn't boss around. The reason I finally left that job was because one of the parents that befriended me outside of work, told me that I was letting her treat me like that because of my own issues with self esteem. She began volunteering in the class with me and noticed who was really doing the work and who the kids really loved. She said to me "I don't know why you are so afraid of her, what is she going to do to you? Pull your pants down and spank you?" This made me crack up, but has also stuck with me. Whenever I am afraid of someone I ask myself that. It has helped me stand up to many a bully and develop my fuck off and kiss my ass 'tude I sport (mostly) today.

I heart this thread and all the posters in it. A heeyoooge group hug and boobiesquishin's for all!

What? YUEFIE! You're SICK cute! I ain't stoopid! Um, that's a WILD post that will take me a bit to respond to.
I had sex without a condom because it felt good. And it wasn't just for a few seconds and then condom. I stopped us before he came. I went and got the morning after pill afterwards. I know. Not good.

I can't stand the co-manager I've been put with on a project I'm working on. I actually wrote more but I took it off because well, I don't wanna put it out there. Suffice to say I can't F***ing stand the guy.
I have not had a real period since early April, yet all 3 pregnancy tests I've taken have been negative. I'm secretly disappointed, because all I really want is to have a normal happy family complete with loving husband. Though if I were to become pregnant, I'd probably abort because the idea of actually having to be pregnant actually terrifies and repulses me.
I don't want to go to university, because I don't want to do the course I've chosen. I don't want to tell my mum because I know she'll be disappointed in me. I don't want to feel like this because I don't have the qualifications (or talent) I need to do the type of course I'd like to. All the courses I want to do don't have solid job prospects.

I want to move to Brighton to set up a 50's style diner with one of my BFF.

I worry all the time that I will hate what I've done with my life and who i've become, 10, 20 or 30 years down the line. I'm not even who I want to be right now. I worry too much about other peoples opinions of me.

I suck. Or at least I feel like I do.
I was potentially offered a job, I will find out this weekend if the offer is firm. I told them I defnitely wanted it and it sounds like it's going to be offered to me and that they are already making plans for me. Now after some thought, I don't know if I want the job. It's with a very big organization in my field. I don't exactly know what to do. I'm scared.

Some of these thoughts have to do not only with me wanting to make a go at my own thing, but also some social plans and possible visits from and to boys.

I fear that Condi Rice will become the first female president. It's such a shame because, if you'd asked me a decade ago, I'd have been thrilled by the idea of a black female in the White House. Now it frightens me.
I had a dream last night about giving my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend/my ex-best friend a vicious verbal beating (I dream about her at least once a month, even though they've been broken up for nearly six years and I haven't felt insecure about her for more than four.) I woke up with a big smile on my face and can't get her out of my head now. I looked up her younger brother (who was actually a very nice kid) on his college's directory. I'm in a stalker-y mood and seriously considering driving past her parent's house,, since my boyfriend is gone for the night. I don't know why I'm so obsessed with her. She probably doesn't even live there anymore.

I want her out of my head! mad.gif
I saw the person I lost my virginity to last night. At the end he treated me badly and used me and yet I was happy to see him.

Because I didn't feel a thing

I didn't hate him or care about him in any way good or bad. I didn't even have that slight moment of panic I usually get when I see an ex. I didn't feel a thing. He could have been anyone.

And thats brilliant.

What makes it better is that he was blatently trying to take me home with him and I got the chance to walk away. biggrin.gif
I cackled with glee when I put heffalump on my ignore list. Mr. P thought I had gone mad!
I moved out of my parents house to another city almost 3 years ago, and I have not been homesick once. I do not miss my parents at all. I miss my kitty cats, and my sister who still lives with them, but that is it. (For the record, this is not the house I did most of my growing up in, so I have no attachment to the place.) I feel like I should feel guilty about that, especially since I know my Mom misses me, but I can't even bring myself to feel that.
When things are going well with my job, I feel like I'm on top of the world. When things feel like they are in the toilet, *I* feel like *I'm* in the toilet. I know this means that I still have way too much of my identity and self-worth tied up in my work, but knowing it doesn't seem to be helping me change it.

I feel like I am in limbo. I know I need to leave my job, but there is still work I need to finish up before I can leave. I also need to feel confident that when I leave, the women who inherit the Centre are going to be able to keep it going. AND I am kind of terrified of the prospect of having to find another way to support myself, and especially, finding a way to support myself without having to move to a big city and/or take on this ridiculous level of responsibility.

I am a horrible procrastinator, and I keep getting myself into the same messes over and over again because of it.
I'm scared of most people I meet, and it takes quite a lot to ease those fears. I'm pretty much scared of anyone who isn't a close friend (as well as many who are)

Every day I wait for life to begin.

I'm really really fucking lazy. I was almost too lazy to post this.
I'm making myself do it. I'd rather lie down and do nothing.

I don't think this is a new or original confession, but, I sleep w/ a small stuffed animal.
when the mr was gone, it was the teddy bear in dessert cami's he gave me the night before he left, and now he's back but things are so shitty, so I have Smedley Sue, my tiny white & black pound puppy an old boyfriend my sr yr of hs gave me. Smed has been w/ me the first time I ever gave blood, and when I gave birth to frecklette (I bit him on the ears thru my contractions and you can still faintly see the teeth marks to this day). except for the years he was lost in frecklette's toybox, he's always been there for me and here I am at this age and I need him again.
I also have a fist sized jade budda ornament I am keeping close at hand, rubbing his belly, just bc it seems to also give me some sort of deep comfort though know virtually nothing about Buddism.

I am still a total wreck though no one, including my utterly clueless mr, seems to realise it.
I am a total liberal snob. I look down on people who have never questioned their religious beliefs. I still hold a huge grudge against everyone who voted for Bush.

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