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That does make sense, GT. Thank you for the suggestion because I honestly never thought of that. I think this is just a strange form of paranoia - two other friends on my FB have joined the event and I would never think that about them so why would they think that about me? I don't know, I guess it's just nervousness.
confession: the mr is pushing harder now on the emo-abuse front and getting ,as is his pattern, progressively physicaly agressive again (hard pokes, squeezes "play" flat fisted slugs) & I honestly think it's a combination of both that his male sperm-donor will be here for T-day so he can show him that 'just like dad' - he's the MAN over his woman too! and that I am getting out & about & making real life (as opposed to online) friends & doing things that make me happy.
my confession is: how the FUCK did I ever marry this jackass & why can't he stay the good, decent guy I fell in love with?

confession: beyond my extreme, I will cut your fuckin' balls off if you push me too far fury, is a scared, wounded & abused child who thinks not again.
it hurts, so. much.

last confession: I am starting to think that as a result of being abused as a child, and now this with the mr, I am afraid I might honestly literally Snap & harm the mr.
it makes me want to go to the police & turn myself in pro actively to save him.
((((rosey))) some people are just assholes. I say you have events and don't invite them. Pecker heads.

((((rogue)))) we have a depression thread you might want to check out.

((((gt)))) wub.gif

((((freck)))) the misters behaviour worries me. I'm worried about your safety. Not to make any excuses, but did something happenw while he was deployed that may have pushed him to start bad behaviour again?? Please, be safe.

confession: ever since I named my depression Beetlejuice, is has made the world of difference to me.
((((rv))) The same thing has happened to me lately with one friend. She got a job with the CDC and I get she's busy with the HINI crisis right now, but it seems she's just dumped me. Yet when she was unemployed we were acting like best friends. Even time I call her to even invite her to coffee or something she makes up some excuse. So she's not coming to my wedding.

((rogue)) I'll see you in the depression thread.
(((freck))) Please be safe. I was engaged to an abusive man 5 years ago. He ended up hurting me.

Confession: Upset with my bridesmaids today. We were just supposed to go dress shopping today. I got a vm from her saying she broke up with her current boyfriend, and is acting all me me me. She even told me she was going to kill herself. I'm worried, but she tends to be a drama queen.I know I shouldn't be pissed, but I consider even laughing about killing yourself a very bad thing. Also, I really don't want to go shopping by myself for my dress.
I'd just feel depressed about it. She keeps putting me off.

Confession: I hate seizures.

(((hugs to all confessing busties)))

((sassy)) sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time with your bridesmaid right now. I went through a lot of bridesmaid drama myself when I was planning for my wedding as well. Sometimes it can feel as though you are doing everything you can to include them in the process but that they actually don''t want to be part of the process. I actually went wedding dress shopping myself on several occasions and then just made one group outing so that the girls could see the final picks and help me with the decision regarding which one to choose. Not the way I thought that it would be but I actually found that going myself was easier than I thought. I could put dresses on, take my time, take them off and put them on again if I liked because I didn't care if the sales person had to wait but I did care about making my friends wait smile.gif

I also suspect if the break-up with your friend and her bf is fresh - she is going to be me me me for a while - especially if she is stating that the break up is making her feel very vulnerable/suicidal. Most people don't state things like that - jokingly or not - unless it is pretty emotionally dire. They usually want help because they are serious or at the very least are asking for emotional support (although you know her better than I do obviously). Perhaps with a little emotional support she could come around a little more quickly and then wedding dress shopping with you would seem like more of a 'fun outing to get her mind off of the breakup' rather than 'something she has to do.'
(((rose, rogue, sassy, all)))

"deployed?" Again, i don't know the story, have no right to advise, but I can't read your posts without wanting to get in a car and drive over there, and just sit and GLARE at him. So he knows people are watching him. Is he in therapy? Don't people who get deployed get counseling free and even... obligatory?
Please post more, Freck?

Confession: Somewhere in this house I have some old-ass ecstacy stashed away from the last rave I attended (2007). Every so often this knowledge worms its way into my brain and I wonder if I can roll at night, and still function in the morning to run our homeschool. I haven't tried it yet; please no calls to children's services.

Confession: I also named my (rather severe at times) depression. I call it the Beasties. Beetlejuice is better (nod to Culturehandy). It gives the depression far less power than something scarey like "beasties". Maybe I should change my depression's name to Frank or Debbie, or something innocuous.
((((((busties)))))))) thank you all so-much for the love. it's exactly what I've needed right now as it's been a rough day of tears (at long last) & thought.
if things don't change drastically, I'll have to either leave or seriously harm him & I really don't think jail looks all that inviting.

he does seem different since his last deployment, worse, but this is a cycle that has been on/off throughout the 17 years we've been married only the twist this time is the increasing physicality of it.
I'm not petite and have learned quite a bit about hand-hand fighting through him over the years but there is no question that if ever he wanted to, he could harm me easily. the things is- if I fought back in a serious manner I'm afraid the situation would escalate quickly.

as for therapy " I don't need someone to Tell Me what to think." that was as recent as tuesday afternoon.

.. I want to be protected and safe but am realising that it is up to ME to make that happen for myself & frecklette and I need to be ready (financially, logistically, etc) before I take that step bc there is no going back.
in the meantime I am carrying the # for the domestic hotline hidden in my purse so if need be, I can get frecklette & myself to a safe place in the immediate.
this is not what I want. this is not what I signed up for but like it or not, this is my life.

ch: if you say " beetlejuice beetlejuice beetlejuice" 3 x's in a row does it make it go away?
I named my fat roll Stan when I was working out at the gym & I agree- bizzare or not- it Does work.

do please be safe freck. and please start those plans. you mean way to much to me. can you ask him not to be physical with you in any way that is not loving because it frightens you? could you tell him that x(poking, grabbing etc) wasn't loving if it came to that?

Did you ever hear my song, Mama Says? It's a true story, about my mom, the morning we left my dad.
Freck, I'm really not trying to dig here but when you say deployed, you mean he went to Iraq? I don't really know much about your husband so I'm just drawing my own conclusions here. Do you think that he might be getting worse because of (possible) PTSD? I ask because the (nice, non-hating me) stepbrother that I lived with this summer is in the military and has PTSD from being over in Afghanistan/Iraq/Darfur/etc five or more times, and it is very serious but he is getting help for it from counsellors. I wonder if that might help your husband? Although I'm sure this has been tried or at least suggested before. Again, I don't know much about your situation, except for the fact that it sounds terrifying and we all love and care about you and want you to be all right. Like I said before, you know where to find any one of us if you need us. We love you.

((((Freck & Frecklette, too))))

Glad to hear you have plans and a safe place to go. It sounds like you have a good safety plan in place. Never be afraid to put it into practice. You have a lot of support here.

confession: I am sick of being every guy's best friend. You know, the one that they have a crush on, who they tell their secrets to, who they want to introduce their girlfriend to cause they know she'd love you - or the one they say they'd want to marry (if they're single) I'm sick to fuck of being that "amazing" girl who is all that, and yet that's the extent of what she gets. Nothing more than talk and being a "good friend." I was sitting tonight listening to "Somebody" by Depeche Mode, and I realized that there is not one person in this world who I am that for, even though they say I am all that.

...completely, 100% over it.
(((((zoya))))) I am so with you on that one. I feel your pain. Want me to thwack them with my smelly tuna? Oh can't see my crackbook status.

maybe I should move this to the inebriated ramblings thread because I am really stoned.

ch: you think maybe you could thwack the mr while you're out there swinging please?
I don't expect it to be a fatal blow or anything, but it sure might make me laugh.gif .

zoya luv- you are much.too.good to be any guy's "bff w/ the great personality".
maybe you need to be more forthright & demanding?
the next guy you encounter that heads down that road stop them cold & say ' listen, I don't need any more [i]Friends. what I'm looking for is a ______ [/i]'

noelly- thank you so much.
you know I'm a fighter but today has laid me low & stolen my wind.
I even called my shrink- in tears- asking for an appt Tonight- then called back 2 hrs later telling her No, Nevermind, but she never called back at all. I realllllllllly needed her today.
I've tried telling him that he hurts me when he pokes & "plays" but he accuses me of being a whiner & a baby & the mocking & belittling go on from there.
Freck, the things you've described remind me sooooo much of my time with my ex. I know how scary it can be, yet how hard it is to walk away. My situation wasn't nearly as complex as yours, so this must be 10 times harder for you. I'm sure the people at the domestic violence service can help you through this even if you don't want to leave.

Your body is STILL your own. And if he is doing ANYthing to it that you don't like - even if it's "playful" poking or tickling - he NEEDS to stop. If he calls you a baby, then maybe you can just say, "So what? That doesn't change the fact that I don't like it. It's my body and I don't want you to touch me like that anymore. End of story." I told my ex something similar and, miracle of miracles, it worked. Unfortunately, that won't fix everything, but it's a start.

It's common knowledge that physical abuse - hitting, pushing - is unacceptable in a relationship. Lesser known is the fact that physical intimidation has no place in a relationship, either. The poking and tickling is part of that, but it isn't all. He doesn't even have to lay a hand on you in order for you to feel threatened. I think you know that all too well.

You have my number. I'm only 90 minutes away. I'm here if you need me.
I say we definitely sick CH on the Mr and also on those silly BFF boys that zoya is referring to.

To you, zoya, I say word. I get that shit all the time, too! The "you're amazing, you're great, you're awesome, you're so pretty, if I were single I would be with you in an instant" bullshit. But that's all it is - bullshit - and it's exhausting. ((((zoya)))) Whack away, CH!
((((freckle)))) I'm worried for you, chica.
i think rosey is right, freck. perhaps you should tell him it makes you feel unsafe, and you maybe a baby but you're should not have to feel unsafe, in your house, in your relationship, in your life and you will not put up with it. i wish i lived closer. :/
(((freck))) Have you ever called him on this shit during a neutral moment, like when he's not being a jackass, so he can see that this really is hurting you physically and emotionally, and it's not just you being a "baby" in the heat of the moment? Not that the time/place/context of the conversation should matter. He needs to just stop.

Please stay safe, you and frecklette. Take up rose on her offer of help if you need it.

polly: I actually did that yesterday when he called from work, in just fine & dandy mood. (fucker)
I told him all of it- that wether he realised it or not- what he was doing- how he was treating me w/ the "play" stuff & the Threat on monday- it is ALL considered abuse and it's Got To STOP.
that my telling that I will leave if it doesn't isn't a threat, just a matter of course and that as much as I don't want to break up our home, he leaves me no other choice bc I will NOT be treated that way.

- see- there have been a few times in the past when we've been able to discuss this rationally- and he's even asked me to call him out on this when he starts acting this way.
and so I do- like yesterday- and all is does is piss him off even more bc he's already in that mode.

aside from briefly discussing the horrible shooting at Ft Hood last night, we're not much speaking, or, he's not speaking to me anyway, which is fine.
he left this morning without a goodbye or a kiss, which is also fine as I am repelled by him right now anyway.

I am still gathering my ducks for the what if in the future and the love I am getting from here--- I am weak enough to confess that when I posted yesterday, was what I had so hoped for bc it's a new level of low and none of you let me down. your support and encouragement, no words. honestly just none.

thank you all for being the sisters to me that you are.

freck, just to clarify, what was the actual threat? I'm sorry, I went back and tried to find where you first posted about it but I didn't see it.

Either way, I really hope that you are okay and safe. Do you know where you would go if you did have to leave?
please do get those ducks lined up, freck ninja. you keep yourself and frecklette safe. you are to precious a soul to let him hurt. wub.gif just do a little every day, k?

i'm curious tho, what was his take on ft. hood? more importantly, what is yours?

confession: i had a huge falling out with a friend-- the one i've been helping open her bar-- i think in one single day i might have lost a job and a friendship, and honestly, i don't care. i understood why our romantic thing all those years ago didn't work out. i sent a somewhat diplomatic email, but if she said that we are done "on all fronts", i'd breathe a huge sigh of relief. i might still call it quits, i just feel disgusted that i would work so hard for someone who thought so little of my time, my work, and our friendship.... and i want my speakers back.
ccg: he said ' one of these days you are going to cause me to do something STUPID !" and his eyes were jet black pools of rage. there was no misunderstanding the tone of his voice nor his body language.
as for where we'd go- yes, I have some ideas- multiple actually, all designed to cover our tracks I hope.
making phone calls to friends he might call to find us today was very,Very hard, but I want them to know if it comes to that, we're not missing & are safe.
rv is that person here too- I will try to call her & she will relay to all of you what's going on.
(thanks again much rv)

gt: his take on the Hood shooting was racial & ugly, based on the gunman's ethnic name.
I'm still hopeful enough to feel completely Opposite of that- bc crazy trash comes in every color & ethnicity under the rainbow.
me? I don't really know what to think. I've thought about going to the base hospital to donate blood for the wounded if they need it.. and my heart cries along with and for all the family's at that post.

I saw my therapist this afternoon & she wrote down everything from this past week that I told her- on a seperate legal form that can be used in court if need be, to document what's been said. she's also going to review past session notes for other relavent things too.
she also thinks I have a very good chance of getting Disability (Double- with my back And my anxiety- but does that mean I'd get more money? I have no idea) & is helping me get all the paperwork & forms together.
her father is a lawyer who has helped one of her clients in this same situation before & he works pro bono until you get your first check. even goes to court For You. and then if you are still denied, charges nothing.

I realise that I think I Could make it on my own... that the world is a very big place & the idea of starting over, scary as it is, is pretty breathtaking.
I've never lived on my own before!
I could go AnyWhere I wanted.

one last confession before I end this w/ apologies for de-railing things so badly here --- when I came home today, the mr was home. and I cried and hugged him & he said he didn't want to fight anymore.
-- it's sooooo much MORE that 'just a fight' and I told him again that things have GOT to CHANGE & he started in about how " well if you didn't do this- and if you didn't do THAT- I wouldn't be like that" but you know- I didn't accept it. I told him NO- I didn't do anything wrong. and yes it pissed him off hugely & started to get that look of bad anger in his eyes again, but then calmed down & I hugged him again & for the moment, things are less bad.
holding hands with the devil to keep from being burned.


ps: gt? I'm so sorry your friend has turned to such an utter shit.
she doesn't sound very worthy of your friendship but moreover, I am sorry she hurt you.
I wanna barrow that big fish from ch & thwack her.

super short PS: he's going out of town for a few days at the end of the weekend- HURRAH!
freck, don't apologize for the derailment, it happens in the threads when need be. you know that. do still make those plans please. thank you rosey for helping to look after freck. you are 31 flavors of awesome.

as for my friend, i got a diplomatic reply back, saying we both need to take time off, and telling me we should talk after the weekend. i suspect she is just keeping me at bay so she can use my speakers for the weekend, while she looks for some replacements for me and them, but then i have a pretty low opinion of her right now. i'm still debating just having done.
Oh darling Freck, your description of the interaction, the "jet black pools of rage", I know that man, I have spent years of my life in toxic lockdown with that man's need to overpower you. That man wants you to submit and even if you submit (which I don't think is good for Frecklette to be around), he will still find fault because he gets off chemically on the black rage of needing to make you submit further.
Unfortunatelly, these people can smell the child abuse on us from two states away and it can be years before their need for rage and our memory/submission to the abuse are re-triggered and looped together.

Yay for plans, Freck. I have no clue where you live, how can we all help?

PS: I got goosebumps at how thrilled you sound when you describe your New Free Life! I got tears in my eyes, love. *I could go AnyWhere I wanted!* That is such an amazing place to be in. I am getting high just imagining you say /think /feel that power.

you all would need to understand that after I moved from Indiana to TN & met the mr, the Army dictated where we've lived for the last 17 year - can any of you (besides wunderful rudder) imagine not having that sort of personal freedom over your own life?
the thought of being able to decide.. being The' Decider (hee georgie bush!).... awestriking.... the score and magnitude of the weight and depth of that.....
my therapist pointed out that I could make our new place ~~~any~~~ way we wanted it to be- to reflect the happy-hippy-freespirit I am. so I see crazi colors (robins egg blue- sunny yellow-pale pink-maybe an orange or a purple) on the walls.... tons of colorful paper laterns w/ long ribbon hanging from them.... beds on the floors w/out frames to them w/ oodles of throw pillows all over & around them...
probably our papa san chair.. my rockers of course, and colorful scarves as valances for the windows (bc I don't sew). and I think I'd like a set of double french door that I can put sheers on. that would be most loverly.

the mr is back, again, to crazy. I am pretty sure I've heard him talking to himself several times tonight & he went into a cleaning frenzy in the kitchen not 10 minutes after her reminded frecklette to do the dishes.
he was mutterng and stacking & frantically drying & then re-stacking & then re-drying the same cups multiple times.
finally I just stood there & looked at him & asked him What Is Wrong ??
and he went into the tirade about how he isn't going to tell me again bc it doesn't do any good bc he's the only one who does Anything in our house and I cut him off to as (sweetly) ' did something happen to you downrange?
bc you are not the same as you were before & I am Worried about you.
but still he denies it and went back to his previous rant. sad.gif

so frecklette & I are laying low upstairs to stay away from him, counting the hours till he leaves on Sunday. (which he won't tell me the time of).

Doodle: I listened to your Mama Says song. - I too am 38.
- how old were you at that time? were you aware that it was just as much for You as it was for Her that you left?



your vision sounds amazing, and healing. and way to go for laying low, that's so what's needed sometimes and takes so much courage, especially in the situation you're in. i hope you realize how much strength you have to get through, because it's shining through so much.

have you ever visited the local women's shelter? sometimes it can help in just knowing what it's like there and that there is a safe place to go. i know the one here welcomes women in for coffee and a tour if they are thinking of leaving their partners (even just for a bit of respite before they go back home). it makes it less scary if the time ever comes that they do need to go there, and the workers can help with safety plans and preparations, such as making sure you have copies/originals of all your important documents like birth and marriage certificates, driver's licenses, health cards, etc. that you can leave somewhere easy to get them such as at home or with a trusted friend/family member.

((((((freck, i just love you so very much.))))))
able: that is such a really good idea, and one I hadn't thought of before either.
tonight has gone from bad to worse, after trying to be downstairs w/ him to watch a funny movie.
we let the big dogs in with us & they dd nothing but constantly climb on us that had him yelling the whole time- and then he screamed at frecklette when she came down & drew their attention making them super hyper.
she wants us to go NOW. tonight. just to be away from him, but I had to explain to her that I need her to have faith in me and let me decide. that it takes time & planning and MONEY (untraceable cash which I have none of at the moment- nor knowledge of the visa pin # to get any from there either).
right this moment though, I am seriously thinking she might be right.
he's erratic & volitole & super over-reactive to small things.
I don't want to not wake up in the morning.
I think I will sleep in her room with her tonight.

I love all of you so very much~ know how I am ( & I have relayed to frecklette too) leaning on all of you.
as I hear him pacing & stomping downstairs, tonight may be the night after all.
please keep us in your thoughts.

If you need to go tonight, if you think it's worse than ever - we can probably raise some cash right now. Maybe someone you know/are going to stay with has a Paypal account, where we send it and they will draw it out from their card at an ATM?

And just know that every Bustie's eyes and heart are on this thread, thinking of you two, Freck!
(((((((((freck)))))))))) I really hope you are okay. I wish I had some kind of sound, logical advice to give you but I don't. Just know that we are all here for you.
Freck, do you have a place to go? You don't have to tell us where. I simply want to know that you have a place to stay ... preferably a place that the Mister doesn't know about.

Just so you know, when I go to bed I always keep my phone on my nightstand & I keep it on all night. Call if you need anything.


confession: I phoned my brother today to tell him our step-grandmother died this morning. I did it so my mother wouldn't have to. They haven't talked since they fought however-many-weeks ago. And then when my brother said he didn't understand why mom didn't call him, I told him why, and that I didn't give her a choice. I just told her I would do it, and I did. Which I realized was actually true. I'm a take charge kinda gal, I guess. Pushy, some people call me. Whatever. He phoned her and they made up. Pushy bitch, family leader - same difference.

confession: I haven't shed one tear for the lady who died. I'm not really surprised, or sad. She was nosey, gossipy, narrow-minded, and terribly, terribly racist. But I still loved her, in that way you can't help but love someone who has crocheted you five afghans and taught you how to make raspberry jam.
(((((freckle))))) I hope you and frecklette stay safe and things turn out okay.
(((freckle & frecklette)))

Sevenseconds is onto something with the Paypal account idea. There was a girl on the wedding message board I participate in who needed to raise about $300 so she could fly her dog from a family emergency going on at her parents' house in Arkansas to her house in Maryland. She set up a Paypal account and other people donated whatever they could and she had it all in a couple of hours.

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline whenever you can- they should have some good advice and resources for you:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

And speaking of your dogs and cat, I know they're not your #1 priority right now, but if you're looking for options for that, the Humane Society has some resources for people in domestic violence situations to take their pets to:

Please be safe and keep us updated!

I really hope that you and Frecklette are safe. It's tomorrow morning and I missed all this trying to catch up on sleep that I missed Thursday night and I too am worried about you and I will do anything that I can to help if need be. We love you!

Oh and polly, those are some really great suggestions, particularly about the animals. I know that it is more important for Freck & Frecklette to get themselves to safety, but part of me can't help but think of the poochies and the cats, too.

Stay strong, girl. We all have your back.
i'm with polly and 7, paypal is a great idea. set up an account asap, and if this blows over, apply for one of their debit cards so you can have instant access. you can have it mailed to a friends address too.

i think it might be a good idea to have an emergency word too. if things get bad you can just post some innocuous word you can post here and facebook that lets us all know you are on the move. you can post what word you choose in the super secret bust group on fb, and if rosey or someone gets a call from you, she can post it there, and we can all do what we can wherever we are. if that makes any sense. be careful to cover your tracks, tho, k?

i'm worried about you....


has anyone heard from her? can someone please, even just a quick update say if she's ok??

confession - I realized yesterday I'm in love with someone who's been a very good, very close friend. And no, it's not just an illusion because we're close. I am. Unfortunately, it's not something that can come to fruition any time soon. and so now, I have to tell him my feelings and that I'm gonna have to back off our friendship for awhile. UGH.
Yes, the safe word and PayPal card are really good ideas. I remember there was an Oprah show a few years ago about domestic violence surviviors and this woman set it up with her neighbor that if she called her and in the conversation said, "We're out of coffee" it meant she needed her to call the cops or that she was making her escape, I can't remember which.

Using Facebook to keep networked would be good. Does everyone on there have a list for just Busties so we can all be contacted at one time? It would be a really helpful thing right now.

Oh crap, just checked mine and to be able to contact a bunch of people at once, the group can't be more than 20 people, and I have over 40. Ok, time to split the group into a couple different parts.

I don't know how much you want to get them involved, Freck, but does the military have any resources for this, given the increased rates of their members?
QUOTE(zoya @ Nov 7 2009, 08:05 AM) *

has anyone heard from her? can someone please, even just a quick update say if she's ok??

I PM'ed her my cell phone # last night, but haven't heard from her. She may be laying low until he leaves today. Let's hope so.
QUOTE(pollystyrene @ Nov 7 2009, 02:08 AM) *
(((freckle & frecklette)))

Sevenseconds is onto something with the Paypal account idea. There was a girl on the wedding message board I participate in who needed to raise about $300 so she could fly her dog from a family emergency going on at her parents' house in Arkansas to her house in Maryland. She set up a Paypal account and other people donated whatever they could and she had it all in a couple of hours.

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline whenever you can- they should have some good advice and resources for you:

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

And speaking of your dogs and cat, I know they're not your #1 priority right now, but if you're looking for options for that, the Humane Society has some resources for people in domestic violence situations to take their pets to:

Please be safe and keep us updated!

*BUMP* This was an awesome post.
Freckle, I hope everything is okay today and to here from you soon. I agree with everyone else, the paypal account is a great idea and will give you some resources asap. ((((freckle and frecklette))))
Thinking of you, Freck.
Freck did not call me last night, so I think she's holding tight for a while ... at least until the Mr. leaves town. I'll be sure to tell you all if I hear anything.
I just sent her a text as well. Nothing yet.

You know, she could come to Canada. There are a number of places to slip through the border in the province I"m in. No partols, no nothing. It's in the middle of fucking know where.
anna k
(((freck)))) I hope you and your daughter are OK.

CH, I just watched Frozen River where on Mohwak territory, people could cross the border without any notice. I didn't know if that was true or not.
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