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Been there crazyoldcatlady, I searched myspace found my ex boyfriend. Saw he was doing terrible and ended up feeling awful. I really feel if I reached out to my ex it would be serious betrayal of my hubby. My ex's profile seemed more like a suicide note than a self description and it really seems like he needs to hear a friendly voice. But I adore my hubby way too much to ever break his trust.
I am part of a feminist group on myspace, and i look down on the women in it for not being as good feminists as us busties are.

I dislike one of my friends girlfriends but i pretend to like her because everyone else does. I don't even know why I don't like her.

I am still struggling to find my identity.

When I was little I used to endlessly fantasise about bad things happening to me - being in a car crash, someone i know dying, etc- i still do it but recently its mainly been about my emotionally abusive ex finding me and shouting at me, or chasing me, or being trapped with him again. And it freaks me out and I have no idea what to do about it. I hate these thoughts and they upset me and I just want him out of my mind and forgotton but I can't stop these thoughts.

I too am scared to use the telephone, but I have a strange compulsion to answer it if it rings.

I too pick at zits (including other people's), but I thought everyone did I abnormal...?

I feel like a fake.

I am StReSsEd and it's making me extremely on edge, hyper-sensitive and panicky.

I think I have anger issues too.

A MAJOR case of writer's block is FrEaKiNg me out.
All of you talking about your exboyfriends from high school reminded me...about 5 years ago now, I was pg and laying on the couch watching soap opera's and talk shows and Maury Povich came on. Low and Behold, a guy I almost married instead of exasshat was on there for paternity tests...turns out he had 3 kids with 2 different women on that a couple more in the background! God, am I ever glad I was a prude back then, I would hate to be saddled with his spawn! But I am still mortified that someone I used to date ended up on a classy show like Maury!*rolling eyes*
I occasionaly look for my ex bfs from school on myspace, bebo etc. I've found the very first guy I who ever wanted to be my boyfriend and... oh dear what was I thinking?

The other two of them haven't pitched up... but I consistently scan the society pages of tatler in search of my school-girl crush after I saw him there last year. (oh. god. I've just googled him again. He's stuch a freaking toff)

but he has not yet (to my knowledge) fathered any illegitamate children.
pixie, it could have been worse ... he could have been on Jerry Springer and been an alien?

I google no-one, basically cos I'm scared of what I would find and cringe at ever being in their company. I'm all about the now and being in love and the future happiness that holds for me. Anyone in my past is there for a reason.
Sometimes I enjoy being bitchy a little too much.
I am with you on that, lively. I have been majorly catty the last couple of days, so much so that the Jack to my Karen (well, that might me overstating it slightly) who I continually text ealier in the week with comments followed by "mwah", asked me "so you were in a majorly pissed off mood then"? You know you've been too bitchy when your bitchy queen friend comments.

I do love it so.

Although sometimes I feel guilty for being ugly, negative and cruel.

And then someone pisses me off and I'm in bitch mode again with the claws fully out.

eta: although I am scared that people don't see the sweet,lovable, thoughtful me often enough.
I pick at mr.luci's blackheads all the time. He's so sweet like that.

Ha, pixie! Way to dodge a bullet! Bunny, no fewer than three of my father's former students have been on Jerry Springer. Classy town, that.
I took a break from reading this thread for a while. Now that I've catched up I want to say: ((((((busties)))))).

That's strange so many people have a phone phobia. I used to have one too especially at work but I don't really have a fear of it anymore. I didn't have a phone for a while when I was an adolescent. I never talked on the phone for hours and hours like everyone else and I thought that was the reason why.

I also happened to look up an ex-boyfriends name on Google and he's listed on Bitter Waitress for being a shitty tipper. Ha!

Now for some gross confessions.

When I was in kindergarten I had a Springer-Spaniel named Christmas. I remember one night late at night, we were under the covers and I let her lick my vagina and anus. I didn't have an orgasm or anything - I was only 5 or 6 but I remember it felt good. Later on I remember my mother mentioning Christmas had worms and I could get worms her if I wasn't careful and for a while after that I squirmed in my seat at school a lot thinking I had worms inside of me because of that. I kind of feel weird and I'm pretty embarassed about this. I guess I've sort of committed beastiality... Hey, I was sick kid.

I have both peed and pooped in a catbox. I was living with a roommate who slept in the livingroom (I slept in a seperate room near the kitchen). I had to cross the livingroom to get to the bathroom. She had her boyfriend over and I REALLY had to pee. I had a seperate entrance and I considered peeing outside but I was afraid a neighbor would see me. I also thought about just strolling through the livingroom like it was no big deal but then it dawned on me: I have a perfectly good catbox right here in my room. So I had a good pee in it. The other occasion was a few years later when my toliet was stopped up and I had to go. So I pooped in my poor cat's catbox.
I loathe my sister. She is 47 and still has the maturity of a 13 year old. She caused my parents nothing but heartache her whole life. She was a drug addict and alcoholic and got clean, but 15 years after her clean date she still goes to meetings every damn day. The whole world revolves around her in her mind. The latest is that her therapist, probably out of things to tell her after 40 YEARS OF CONSTANT THERAPY, has convinced her that something sexual might have happened with our father. who died 13 years ago, and was the most incredible, ethical, loving, intelligent, and patient man in the universe.

I feel guilty for hating her because her life is so sad and pathetic she is being punished enough. She had ovarian cancer and could never have kids. She has never been married because she's been hung up on a drug-addled braindead loser for 20 years. She is fat, a chain smoker, and keeps getting fired from the schools she works at for being too "alternative." I should feel nothing but pity for her. But I do feel hatred and a horrible, horrible happiness that she has a miserable life. I blame her for being the worst thing to ever happen to my wonderful father.

I hope she reads this and knows it's her.
gardnerella - I too have pooed where I shouldn't have. I was living in Tanzania and teaching English in local schools. I was coming back up the hill from where I had been teaching that morning, and I planned to stop in at my house along the way. I need to mention that the area round our house was used as a kind of thoroughfare.. people came and went as they pleased so there were always random people sitting in the garden. About half way there, I started getting really awful stomach cramps, and I ran most of the rest of the way. When I got to my house, I was so desperate to get in that my hands wouldn't undo the locks for me (and there were a lot of locks). They just kept fumbling. In the end I ran over to the (totally open, totally public) chicken house and pooed in there. Only it wasn't normal poo. It was pale brown and liquid. Poor chickens. And poor anyone who saw.
freckle, would you be talking about the clear plastic shoes with the soles that light up when you take a step? ah, i know you are.

ok, so i went by the ex's work today. he has something of mine that i want back so i had a perfectly valid reason to stop by and i only stood in the door way for a minute, long enough for him to tell me that he didn't have it, but... i know it encourages him and as much as i don't want him back i like the feeling of having power over another human being. and i'll probably do it again. sad.

actually, 1 of the 2 pairs ARE the light up lucites! nothing says *STRIPPER* like Lucite Platforms!

gah but you've got me paranoid now!
mmhmm, i remember the first discussion we had about your shoes, i think it was in cof, no? i confess that i would keep those shoes a happy secret in my closet too. betcher man loves your collection mama.
pepper, you might be thinking of the bustie that had to wear the tacky lucite stripper light up shoes when she was a bridesmaid. they went with her skin-coloured dress.

people in general make me lose faith in the human race

if i could i would watch only programming from my childhood on tv. mr dressup and sesame street before it got bad, transformers, and as the world turns and beverly hills 90210 and hometime.
yes, yes. that is exactly what i am thinking of. how utterly horrible. i love it.

the show i hated but my sister was young enough to love and now it's retro-ishly cool enough that i wish i had loved it too?

jem. truly outrageous.

there was a tiger/cats super hero show too, what was that thing called? my brother loved it. and astro boy. ha.

confessing; i think i may have a (Mild) undiagnosed case of insomnia. i have some kind of problem with Not going to sleep. i am actually tired but just can't rest, or let myself rest.
do i think i have more value if i do more? i think maybe that's it, i just can't stop *going*. it sucks.

and pepper, i have the same problem, except the thing is all i do when i have these insomnia jags is dick around on the internet. if i was cleaning house or baking cookies or doing my taxes or something it would be one thing, but seriously. as much as i love you guys, i need to keep a healthy balance between physical needs (for instance sleep) and BUSTing.

confessing more: there's this rare condition in which the internal clock is 25 hours instead of 24, leading to never being tired at the right time. and even though it's absurd and hypochondriacky, i think i have it.
Confession: One of my biggest peeves are overly co-dependent couples... particularly if they're my friends. I find it highly irritating when friends (usually female) always bring their guys along. Even when the guys are lovely, the dynamic is different.

I especially hate dependent women who need their men to do everything for them. As a feminist, I just think it's weak and lazy, but I have an evil reservoir of resentment for a few women of my acquaintance who just can't function without their other halves. I'm resentful partly because they are usually attached to friends (in one case, family) who used to be there for me more, before they became encoupled. Now these men are forever defaulting to their women before they can make a decision, or their movements are restricted unless they can bring Miss Thingy along.

I like these women, but I also find this behaviour immensely irritating and it makes me respect them less.
I hear ya, sybarite on those...I must confess, however, that there are times I LOVE not having to do certian things because I have a partner! He fixes my flat tires, kills bugs for me, sometimes lifts heavy stuff for me (I could struggle to do it or he could do it easily!).

I never thought I'd be like that, but I figure I do enough to compensate (like handle the finances) to not feel bad about delegating stuff to him. I never thought I'd have a partner for life that I could count on...that's a confession in itself.

My friends know that I can be really particular about making plans and group dynamics...and that generally, they should NOT just invite more people along (including SO's) without checking with me first. It makes me feel like a control freak, but I guess I am a bit...and they should be flattered that I want to see them in a smaller group or one-on-one! I'm the Queen of the qualified plan..."Lets have a girls-only coffee date!" or "I want to have dinner with just you and old times!"

I make it well known to all that I do not like going out to eat in groups over 6. For birthdays or other occasions, I make exceptions, but I feel like you can't talk to everyone and you may end up at an end of the table that's not as fun or something.

Sometimes I feel too controlling or uptight, though. I try to do it in a taking-care-of-my-needs way, but it's hard to know where the line is...and I wish I were more of a welcoming or open person.
Confession: Even though I have moved on and have a great new life, I am still very hurt/angry with all that went down in my divorce. Particuarly, I am less angry at exasshat, and more disgusted/dissappointed/ect in the people I once thought were my friends! Especially sinc ethey have made it clear that they don't want me in thier lives but continue to hang on trying to keep tabs on my life.
It pisses me off that I trusted some of these people and wasted countless tears on people who are so worthless.
And it really irks me that now there are things I really want to post about but I feel are far too personal to have them violated by the lurkers not just on this site, but another as well.
It irritates me that I am giving into this, but these peopel do not deserve to know my deepest thoughts,hurts, and loves. Andas evil as it is, I really hope karma takes a big old bite out of thier asses.
Confession One: He got the card and the picture. He e-mailed right away with the subject header: "Release Santa and no one gets hurt." We talked on the phone for almost an hour. He is still very kind and sweet and funny. And also, he has a wife and two kids and they all share a house in a tiny town with his mother and his grandfather, and there's church on Sundays, too.

Confession Two: I feel quite giddily released from the ghosts of my past, I feel blessed that I took "the road less travelled" in life, and also, I feel overwhelming joy at relocating a great old friend.
Confession one: I ate a large bowl of pasta just now, and it's making me feel very full very late at night. Which makes me feel very guilty.

Confession two: I just want to be loved for being me, and I keep having boys declare their love (of what? of what they think is me?), want to fuck me, or generally do that. Which only makes me feel sort of cheap and worthless. And yet, sometimes I enjoy the attention. Sometimes it scares me so much I want to vomit or cry. A lot.

Confession 3: I only trust my immediate family, my cat, and my best friend. And I mean, at all. I only really feel safe at my mom's house, and mentally comfortable in my bedroom at my apartment. Also, I only ever feel at peace when I am alone and it is silent. Sometimes it feels like my brain has been rubbed raw I've heard so much music at work, or just noise. People.

does that count as a confession? I just sort of had to tell someone that. So, I guess it does.
Me too about the silence. I especially like to unplug things at the wall. First thing I do when people leave a house I'm in is to turn off the radio or stereo. Or I try to sneakily turn it off while they're distracted.

I don't mind birds in trees, wind, rain, rivers or the ocean, though.
same, about the birds, water, and wind.
If I wasn't related to my sister, she would be the kind of person I would make fun of. I dislike her company and her husband.
I feel superior to dependent women, even when they're better-off and have a more stable life than I do. It gives me a power trip when I walk from Saturday market with almost my body weight in food, and know that it's my life, that at 20 I can devote it all to making something out of myself, and don't need anyone to validate my existence.

Then I feel very very selfish for thinking that.

Confession: I think that when I just got off the elevator now that when the two people laughed when the door closed, they were laughing at me. Because after all these years and accomplishments, my childhood scars will always be in the background.

Confession: Sometimes I think I should have just put all my time and energy into being skinny and pretty, because that's all society wants from a woman anyway. Sometimes I feel the unbearable burden of being the "lesser of the sexes".

Confession: Night brings about too much self-reflection and sadness.
word to your second confession crazyoldcatlady.
the family in-joke that says if you stood me, my stepbrother and stepsister, and my cousin all facing away from each other that the world would turn around the space in the middle of the circle is funny because everyone knows that we all like to be the centre of the world.

there's a boy who i wish i hadn't had so many conversations with, because now i know that things could never be how i wanted them to be in my fickle little bitch romance fantasy world that involved discount prom dresses and drag groomsmen and bridesmaids and a dingy loft in a city with a window box for a lawn with a tiny picket fence, and i know that thinking you'll change someone means you're not accepting the things you cannot change

i cling to the past like it keeps me alive. (seriously. i had an OLD computer in my basement. it only took 5.25 floppies and didn't boot into any OS anymore, and it broke my heart today taking it to the computer graveyard. and i refuse to give up the 5.25" mickey mouse crossword puzzle game.)

i feel like i'm always accepted, but never as much as i'd like to be with the people i'd like to be
I feel the same, tyger, about your last statement.

And word again, the crazyoldcatlady's second confession.
confession: i sympathize intellectually and morally with the fact that it takes some special kind of desperation to risk your life for the chance at a better one, and that mexican illegals take the shit jobs that no one else wants and get underpaid to boot. but it still pisses me off on a visceral level that i can't even apply for three quarters of the jobs i'm overqualified for in my area because i don't speak spanish.
I just ate an entire 8th of a watermelon with a spoon.
I'm embarrassed to be a product of the American public school system
I met the new baby in the family who was born earlier this year. I thought my heart was going to explode from all the love -- and that was even after she spit up (spat up?) all over my arm.

I still want to move abroad, have a baby or adopt, and -- in spite of all the blasted education I've had -- drop out of any sort of career path that's currently being forged. Sometimes I'd rather have a job that just pays the bills. I don't know where or how a future Mr. Raisin plays a role in all of these big plans of mine.

I'm more than a little tired of my bachelorette life and I know I'm more than ready for the responsibilities that come with raising a child. I just don't know if I'll ever have the guts to go through with it and actually do something about it.

I also entertain thoughts of going back to school YET AGAIN, only this time to get a Ph.D. so I can be an English Lit professor. Then there would be no babies, only spontaneous reproduction of books in every corner of the house.
I'm ashamed of the fact that I have no formal education and only earn 30,000 a year.
I spent a half hour today trying to get my moped / scooter started to go get some groceries.

I guess they start better with the keys in the ignition. Gah!
I have never had truly outstanding sex with an attractive, confident, physically fit man and am ever more desperate to do so. I feel horribly guilty that I don't think my husband is that man, nor will he ever be. That while I think he's attractive, and could eventually be physically fit, I don't know if he has it in him to be the kind of sexual that I long for.

I feel guilty that I resent him for it, too.

Sometimes I can look at GameBoy and say that if changing anything would mean I weren't married to him, I wouldn't change a thing in my life.

Sometimes I say that to him and it's a lie.

I don't know who I resent more for the utter chaos in our home - me or him.

I'm not always sorry that his mother is dead. I think his lack of confidence is largely due to the way she treated him for being born a boy, instead of the girl she so rabidly wanted.

I get a little smarter every year and don't always act like it.
I think I made a mistake! In 2 days I'm going home to stay with my family for the summer to waitress in the tourist capitol of the East coast. I'm worried that my so called "brilliant idea" of waitressing, sewing my designs and getting my beach/tan on with my girls is going to backfire on me!!

I've been having horrible nightmares that the sweetest thing to have walked into my life is going to breakup with me because of my "working vacation"...Even if we've been together for 3+ years and he's ok and supports my idea.

I epitomize the stereotype of a Gemini...
is there really such a thing as a laidback fashion designer?? how the hell can I deal with the public and be a decent friend but have crippling social anxiety??

Sorry to sound bitter ((to busties))

silly double post thing! sorry lovely's!
I keep seeing youngish couples with children and I get incredibly freaked out everytime because I get a horrible desire to have that. My desire to have a baby scares me since I know I'm no where near ready.

I registered for MySpace just so I could find people who I went to high school with. I have yet to set up my page (not sure if I ever will.)

I had a little schadenfreude moment when I found that this girl who tormented me since elementary school and was just an all-around bitch in high school (she was a snotty overachiever and voted "Most Likely to be President." I think she had a little fall from grace when she was accused of cheating on some big exam, too...) seems to have dropped out of college, put on some weight, had some kind of traumatic event, like a suicide attempt or a drunk driving incident that put her in the hospital (not that there's anything funny about that- just horribly ironic) and is working lower-end job than me, making less than me. Huh, that's too bad.

I'm a little scared to contact people who seem pretty open to hearing from anyone who they went to high school with. I think I'm afraid they won't remember me as well as I remember them an an awkward situation will ensue.

Maybe I'll wait until next year, a year before my 10-year reunion, to post anything.
Thw watermelon gave me diarhea.
I really want to throw eggs at the lady who drives the volvo and looks at the mr & I like we've just commited a crime just by walking past her house in our neighborhood.
I plan on kicking street dirt into her grass next time we pass by.
I use a fake bubbly personality to keep people at a distance. I feel like only my boyfriend really knows me.
gumby, I do that too, only people misinterpret it as genuine friendliness, and I get stuck having to disengage myself all too often.
to me, real friendship is much deeper than that.
I'm not sure anyone really knows me now, sometimes I wonder too bc there is just so MUCH but then not enough.
confession: The more time goes on, the more passive aggresive I feel towards my ex. I think it's because as I move on and become stronger and more control of my life the more pissed off I become at the fact that I let him treat me the way he did for so long. I am also more and more annoyed that I was forced to settle the divorce out of court because I just didn't have the money to proceed any further. I also can't help being just a teensy bit glad that karma has been giving him fits since we split.
I avoid my flatmates because I don't want to put on my fake bubbly personality.

I still miss my ex; I miss the closeness we had more than the sex. We still talk, and that closeness comes back. I honestly think I will never be that close to anyone ever again.

I still can't bring myself to truly like my friend's gf.
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