May 26 2006, 09:23 PM
My boyfriend's ex (who I know by site, but have never actually talked to) came into the bar and her group stood right next to mine. I managed to bring the conversation around to the boyfriend. None of the people I was talking to knew about us, so they were full of questions.
And I think I did all of it just to make her feel bad.
May 27 2006, 02:19 AM
I think the sin bin is just everyday bad stuff you do, intentional or unintentional, sometimes just impulsive stuff...this is more like deep dark secrets. Maybe not always deep dark, but more serious than the everyday stuff.
May 27 2006, 03:13 PM
i have an unhealthy relationship with food. it's so much easier to just give up drinking (which i did, because i know deep down if i didn't i would be an alchoholic), or just stay away from drugs. you can't quit food cold turkey. it's always present and it's always a fight.
i don't want to grow up. ever.
May 27 2006, 03:17 PM
"terror sex" lol
May 28 2006, 08:32 PM
i just want to be held.
May 28 2006, 09:36 PM
I'll hold you, Mandi. And brush your hair, too!
May 29 2006, 10:54 AM
My boyfriend of six years and I broke up friday. He emotionally abused me the entire time, I never recognised it. I hit him, he called the police. I have been arrested and charged. Nothing happened to him. I never told anyone about the abuse, because I did not recognise it. I feel weak and pathetic for not knowing. The sad part is I miss him and would like him back. But I know it will never end. I don't know what to do. I just want to curl up in a little ball and die.
May 29 2006, 11:57 AM
God loves you culturehandy. You will pull through this.
I have been going through many problems in the past two weeks and just trust God to pull me through. Without God life would be empty.
May 29 2006, 12:27 PM
Oh crap...and I complained about Alligator.
May 29 2006, 01:25 PM
*biting my tongue and ignoring the tr*ll*
I am dreading my next birthday because I'm not comfortable with getting old and turning 29.
I think I have some sort of sick fascination with Catholicism and other branches of Xtianity, and I feel weird about it. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I seem to be attracted to Catholic boys. I'd never actually convert (there's too much of the doctrine I disagree with), but it's interesting that the one person I'm closest to in AZ Guy's family (besides him) is also the one who's the most conservative in her beliefs.
May 29 2006, 02:07 PM
I want to be held too (I think I need a hug)
although I want kids (I think, and not right now) I don't want to have kids with a disability. I don't think I would be able to cope.
I suspect myself of not trying in these exams just to prove to everyone that I am what I suspect, a failure.
I avoid my flatmates because I can't be bothered to talk to anyone & pretend to be happy
May 29 2006, 06:49 PM
I believe and feel strongly that I have lived possibly several other times before this life.
((((((mando & confessors))))))
May 29 2006, 11:00 PM
My mother believes I am her mother reincarnated, but I don't. Not that I don't believe in reincarnation (haven't made up my mind), but I don't believe I'm the grandmother who died four months before I was born, either.
The other night, I had a dream that my high school boyfriend was at the door of my current home...and now I can't stop thinking about him...or wondering if I should try to track him down, after almost twenty years.
May 30 2006, 02:38 AM
I pray for the same thing every night.
I just don't pray...I beg.
But yet that prayer doesn't get answered.
I can't accept no.
And I no longer understand.
It makes it really hard to BELIEVE sometimes...
But I still do,
even if I don't know why.
May 30 2006, 08:16 AM
I tend to balk at using the word 'reincarnation' bc to me, it conjures up shirley mclaine & flaky weirdness (part of the reasoning I don't/haven't told anyone else what I just confessed), rather, it's about the soul's (spiritual) evolution, that you are comprised of energy that comes through at different times in different ways. it's a celtic philosphy I study.. soul recognition of one another, like if you've ever just met someone totally new, but instantly feel you've met before, or known them forever? there ya go bc you probably have
oy vey, sorry to be so o/t !
mando sweets, you ok? pm me if you want?
(((((culturehandy))))) it sounds as if you'll be ever so much better off without him, once you get your second wind and perspective again. think of it not as a loss so much but as a gain of Self.
you're a Wonderful woman who deserves MUCH more than to be mistreated!!
==shutting back up==
my current ongoing sin- checking a friends blog, to see if he's written about me.
I found him accidentally after 20 or so years, short email to him, he emailed back a catch up, I sent My catchup, and now nada.
maybe that's all he was interested in?
gah. if you have a blog, can you see who accesses it and how often?
May 30 2006, 09:06 AM
I defined myself in terms in this relationship and now I don't know what to do. I want him back so badly, but I know I will further alienate myself. I just don't know what to do. This is my nightmare. I feel weak and pathetic, and anry, all at the same time.
Thank you (almost) everyone.
May 30 2006, 09:34 AM
As Freckle said, use this as an opportunity to redefine yourself and claim your own space. You're better off without him. You're your own person, you deserve better than an emotionally abusive asshole. And you're not weak or pathetic. We're all much stronger than we believe. Don't get back together, please.
I've been half-seeing this guy who has a girlfriend for the past 7 months. Now he left her. And I'm suspecting he'll get together with his high school crush of almost eight years. Even though I don't have feelings for the guy (we're just friends), it would piss me off because I wanted to go through the powertrip of denying him a relationship with me.
I feel selfish. But I'm glad he left her. She's better off without him.
I'm a hypocrite.
May 30 2006, 09:41 AM
culturehandy...there is a thread called survivors space in kvetch if you feel like dropping by. I went through the same thing a few years ago with my exhusband. What you are feeling is totally normal! Drop by if you need some support...or you can pm me. A lot of the people in there are dealing with rape and it can be hard to look at emotional abuse and look at that and think we are going through the same emotional turmoil.
My confesion: I emailed a friend the other day that moved a few years ago. It was very random, I just saw the e-mail address in an old file and thought "what the hell". I used to talk to this person at like 3 am on the nights I was alone and my ex husband was on the road. This is the first person to recognize my depression and tell me to do something about it. Why didn't I listen then instead of waiting over a year? Anyway, summing up the last 3 years or so of my life to this person has brought up some old memories and feelings I had forgotten about. I had forgotten about all the night terrors I used to have. But it is nice to reconnect with a friend from my "former life" since so many won't even speak to me anymore. And it shows how far I have gotten myself under control that it has been so long since I had night terrors that I have forgotten how bad they used to be.
ETA:To those who know my history...I just wanted to clarify this was just a friend who knew me, my ex, and the guy I dated after him.
May 30 2006, 12:39 PM
culturehandy....while the relationship thing and how you feel about him is important (dont get back together with him) i think the more important thing here to worry about is being arrested. how are you holding up with that? did you retain a lawyer?
May 30 2006, 02:06 PM
I cut myself yesterday for the first time in over a year.
I thought I had cured myself of my addiction, but I hadn't.
I don't want to think about why I did it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to do it again.
May 30 2006, 02:09 PM
May 30 2006, 02:33 PM
((((culturehandy))))Don't beat yourslef up, honey. Everything heals with time.
((((beansalad)))) My husband used to cut himselfback before I met him. It took him a really long time to get to a place where he finally regrets doing it.
My confession is that I despise someone in my life very much. And I can't find forgiveness for this person in my heart. Even if my bitterness is troubling to others.
May 30 2006, 02:58 PM
I am GREEN with envy as my friend was taken by her new boyfriend (of two months) to the swankiest restaurant and hotel in our city. I should just be happy for her as this is the first time she's had a boyfriend on her birthday; instead I'm being malicious and thinking "oh well, everyone will go downhill from now on." It was even me who match-made them so I should feel pride in them being so happy!
I feel disloyal to my boyfriend for being so jealous; he spoils me rotten but I still wish he could be more romantic. That was really hard to say as I love him with all my heart and he doesn't disappoint me. I just wish we could spend a great night in the same hotel - although now it will be jumping on bandwagon!
May 31 2006, 05:19 AM
double-post but I'm confession (un)happy.
I think I'm depressed; I can usually work myself out of it when I'm feeling down but this time it's not working. It's gone on for too long. I know it's because I'm stressed but I can't afford to feel this badly; I'm already behind in my dissertation and I'm terrified. I've made an appointment with a doctor and my tutor so that's a start; I can't keep hiding under the duvet wishing it would all go away.
May 31 2006, 08:09 AM
When I was in school, someone singled me out for a few years' worth of weird covert abuse. I wasn't called any names or picked on outright, but every piece of artwork I created that wound-up displayed somewhere was scribbled over with black marker or ripped apart or stolen. It started in third grade and the last time it happened was my senior year of high school, when someone broke into my locker with the sole purpose of ripping apart some sketches I had hanging on my door. Nothing was taken; they just destroyed my artwork.
It was weird and I have a vague feeling as to who it was, although I have no idea why. This one girl was always angry at me, like my very existence somehow offended her. But as far as I know, no one else had any sort of problem with me. Weird.
May 31 2006, 11:17 AM
I miss the '80's.
May 31 2006, 12:07 PM
I want to clarify my last confession, as it was really un-confession-like...
I have been thinking about my childhood quite a lot, lately, in my neverending attempt to understand my brain, and the question of my oversensitivity to the world is foremost in my mind lately.
I have a really thin skin. I've never been confident in myself, despite any accomplishments I might have under my belt. The criticisms, deserved or not, constructive or simply mean-spirited, stick in my mind while any praise just disappears. I am convinced of my own mediocrity and incompetence in everything, particularly the things I love the most. Makes it hard to do anything.
As a kid I could never relax around my classmates, relatives other than my parents and brother, large crowds, teachers, you name it. I think the incidents with my artwork really hurt me more than I thought, because anything I create is a piece of me. It's like someone was trying to destroy and hurt me, my physical body. And why?
That sort of hostility, that sort of vitriol some people have for others for what seems to be no discernible reason other than an untreated mental illness - that scares me, because I have no defense against it. It's part of my social phobia problems; I'm so irrationally scared that someone will single me out for some reason. Interacting with strangers freezes me.
I know I should just toughen up, accept that some people are just assholes, not take it personally, I know. But I can't. I've never been able to. And that's really limiting and is making me feel like utter crap lately.
May 31 2006, 12:12 PM
(((lucizoe))) that type of abuse is sometimes the worst, it's a personal attack against you, your art and your talent. I read the first post as the girl being completely jealous of your talent; people choose to ruin/critcise/focus negatively upon the things you are most proud of because they know it will hurt the deepest.
btw, thanks for the hug, it was needed.
May 31 2006, 03:34 PM
beansalad -- i suspect you use your body to express things, which can be quite a strength. Do you have any space in your life for a "free-throw breaking stuff zone" where people would understand it wasn't insane or criminal? well, most people dont... ah, -- dancing? massage?
bunnyb-- you are so very interested in things, curious, thorough, honest and tough-minded. Graduate school is tough for everyone. I'm sure that they will be very interested in helping you, as we would, when the world gets to see what you are writing we know it will be great!! go out buffy like and kick those demons' asses!
Ack, wish I could read and write more but I have big deadlines at my cool new job and must move into cool new apartment toMORROW. tons of work to do for the next few days.
but i want to say I'm sorry for being rigid and snarky friday if it was noticeable. I tend to dig my heels in when I feel stressed. Natural reaction, but except for that bust is the *friend* zone!!
confess: someday I will be more consistently 'there' for my friends IRL.
May 31 2006, 03:55 PM
I like this thread quite a bit.
I also I get impatient with people who are wilfully ignorant.
I also have a problem with finding people's emotional weak spots and exploiting them for my own purposes. I'm good, as peterbilt says, at reading the animal subtext of someone's desires.
I use my looks to get my way.
I like being found attractive, because it is a currency, especially where I live.
I want to be 20 lbs thinner, even though that would be extremely unhealthy for me.
I like looking like a little girl for all the wrong reasons.
I have been anorexic for a brief period. I want to be again. I like that control over food. I too have a really unhealthy relationship with food. I love haute cuisine restaurants and like to cook, but I prefer to feed other people if I'm not out at a very expensive restaurant. Food makes me feel either worthwhile or worthless. I don't know what to do about it.
I'm a commitment phobe.
I'd rather be treated indifferently than well in a relationship.
I feel like a survivor of something, but I don't know why, and I feel intensely guilty about it because I know there are people with worse stories than I have.
I'm also a perfectionist/procrastinator. I don't get things accomplished because of this. I'm better than my brother at this, but my self-esteem may be lower because I allow myself to let less-than-perfect things slip past.
lucizoe, I have really thin skin where girls are concerned. For some reason, not where guys are though.
May 31 2006, 04:12 PM
My confessions du jour:
After having that dream about my high school boyfriend on the weekend, and thinking about him ever since...I located the address of a person with his name in our old hometown, and I spent all last evening carefully composing a "light, breezy, and casual" note to send. (Nothing like the one I wrote in the letters thread!) I've gotten as far as transcribing it onto a card, addressing the envelope, and sticking the card in the envelope, but I haven't sealed it or taken any steps towards mailing it yet.
I also dug up an old picture of the two of us sitting on the mall Santa's lap together, both of us seventeen and both wearing our thick glasses and our school choir costumes. I haven't decided whether or not to include it in the card. Well, I haven't actually 100% decided whether or not to mail the card, so the photo is just an extra complication.
I have stupid, naive, and unrealistic hopes and dreams.
May 31 2006, 04:42 PM
May 31 2006, 06:51 PM
Thanks for the hugs everyone, they are very much appreciated. You are all such wonderful people.
Whammy - you're right, an alternative outlet would help, but the trouble is that that I usually want to cut in social situations, as a means of coping with what's going on in my head so that I can continue to remain in the situation. When I used to cut a lot it was mostly on nights out... I'd be laughing and drinking and messing around with my friends and then feel myself dip, disappear to the toilets to cut, then come back out and get right back into the party, then do it again and again. I struggle to find something 'portable' that would take the place of cutting as an alternative.
Wanting to cut has never gone away, even though I haven't given into it in so long. I feel like I'm repeating a never ending pattern. I'll cut regularly for a year or so and then stop for a year, then start again. I thought I had finally stopped for good. Now I feel like such a failure. I feel that I can't talk about it with my friends as I am so ashamed of myself for giving in. I'm also scared that that they will come to their own conclusions (probably right) as to why I did it and then they'll pity me, which I could never cope with. I've spent all day actively *not cutting*. It's been exhausting and I've got hardly anything done that I needed to do.
However, tomorrow is another day and I am resolved to get up at a decent time and attack my to-do list!
May 31 2006, 07:24 PM
I'm scared of the phone and my voicemail. I haven't done anything wrong, I'm not anticipating anything bad, I don't owe any money, there's no reason to screen my calls, but I'm scared to answer it. And afraid of listening to voicemail, because I never call people back. Because I'm scared of the phone.
May 31 2006, 07:33 PM
I mailed the card.
May 31 2006, 07:35 PM
lucizoe, i'm scared of the phone, too. and of people. so i went and got a job where i answer the phone and deal with people. sometimes it's okay, and sometimes i want to run and hide. i still wait as long as possible to answer to phone to give ANYBODY else a chance to grab it before i do.
i don't know if i want to keep going to school. but i'm going to finish my degree if only because i'm stubborn and refuse to do anything remotely quitter-ish
May 31 2006, 07:44 PM
Ha, tiger, I did that too. I worked as a receptionist for four months at an environmental lab (where I was harassed daily for being a progressive anti-war feminist). HAD to answer it, interact with strangers, etc. I think it helped.
doodle - exciting and scary *eep!*
May 31 2006, 08:27 PM
doodle- with or without the picture?
confessions: I am also afraid of phones, especially of calling people
I'm angry at the effects my sister's depression is having on me, and I feel selfish that I'm making it about how it's affecting me instead of her.
May 31 2006, 08:45 PM
battygurl, I don't think it's selfish to be concerned for your own mental health as well as hers. It affects you too, and neglecting that won't help anyone. I wish the people in my family would be more honest with me about how I affect their moods (I have depression as well). It would make me feel less like an emotional leech. Obviously that's just my situation...and everyone knows I'm frail, so they don't feel they can talk to me honestly.
Just wanted to say, I don't think you're selfish.
May 31 2006, 09:26 PM
I mailed the card with a photocopy of the picture, and black rectangles over the eyes of me, him, and Santa. I scribbled a note at the bottom promising the real photo upon proof that he's one of the people in it.
Oh god, I think I've officially watched Amelie too many times.
May 31 2006, 10:18 PM
hee, doodle, that's so sweet and funny and cute.
May 31 2006, 11:23 PM
Some friends know that I was raped, and two know that I loved him, but no one knows how damaged I still am, and how I still think about the fucker, and want him to hurt and how sometimes late at night I get so depressed I can't breath.
May 31 2006, 11:33 PM
i'm afraid to go to the dentist.
i never liked it much as a kid, for a variety of reasons. and then due to parental neglect and later my own lack of dental coverage, i haven't been in 10 years.
which scares me even more because i just know there's going to be a thousand things wrong with my teeth which are going to require endless visits and painful procedures and I HATE THE DENTIST!
even though i know that it's better to go now and get it taken care of than to wait till my teeth start falling out or something.
but i'm too scared.
oh, and (((((erinjane))))) the exact same thing happened to me, and even though it was years ago now i still hurt over it. pm me if you ever need to talk.
Jun 1 2006, 04:12 AM
Amelie w/ audry tatou?
good for you for mailing the letter & w/ the picture!
I have a thing for cheap, really slutty shoes, which I buy, but then never wear.
I'm forcing myself to part w/ 2 pairs of them in the yard sale, but am now worried what my neighbors will think when they see them. 'ex stripper? reformed whore?' I hate living out here anyway but these shoes do sorta scream Pole Dancer. (not that there's anything wrong w/ that mind you!)
Jun 1 2006, 06:52 AM
Thanks for the hugs all. Just to let you know I saw my lawyer yesterday and things went great. Chances of me with a crimnal record are zero. In fact, I probably don't even need to go to court at all! So relieved. The other good thing is that I do not have a criminal record at all, nor have I ever had a run with the police, previous to Saturday of course.
Okay confession time. Now I am trying to fuck a new man, just sex that's all, and he is being receptive to it!
Jun 1 2006, 07:44 AM
As we get older we learn from our mistakes and those others have made...things will always get better; sometimes it takes time!
I'm scared of uncertainty and always doubt myself and my artwork. Today's my birthday and I hate it! I don't like having people fawn over me because I'm a year older. Can we just start subtracting years? I'm not scared of the aging it's that I had better expectations for myself.
Jun 1 2006, 08:53 AM
wishing you a great celebration for your life as it stands today!!
great news on the court stuffs, and woo woo on the new guy
Jun 1 2006, 11:27 AM
(((dirtybunny))) & (((culturehandy))) & (((erinjane)))
I sometimes read this thread without confessing anything ( this is my first confession)
I get very easily irritated with one of my flatmates. I think it's because he's so relentlessly chipper. That and he is a complete fucking know-it-all who never socialises with us because he's always busy doing something somewhere else. And gets shirty when we don't tell him things... because we haven't seen him for three days because he's never fucking here. *whew* (maybe this should go in the cob thread)
I still love my ex dearly, and despite him being one of my closest friends, I know I will fall apart if he finds somebody else. At least before I find someone, although part of me smugly believes this will not happen.
I cannot wait to move out of this flat.
Jun 1 2006, 11:28 AM
I just found this thread yesterday and have gone back and read the entire thing. While at work.
I surf at work so much that sometimes I think I should be fired. I guess it's yet another compulsion to add my OCD menagerie.
When Alligator mentioned how much he(?) loved the song Hey Hey Guy I immediately went to iTunes and downloaded. I want alligator to post more eurotrash disco confessions so I can be reminded of more wretched music that I love.
I've spent over $300 downloading songs on iTunes in a year and a half
I have been fighting with trichotrillomania (hair pulling) for most of my life, but especially since high school. Over the years I've learned many coping and avoidance mechanisms in therapy and should be able to keep it under control, but sometimes I'm just too freaking lazy. It's too much work to control my urges and I'd almost rather just pull out my eyelashes.
I also pick at my husband, pulling stray hairs and trying to squeeze his zits. I know I have to stop in order to maintain a healthy and trusting relationship, but sometimes I'd honestly rather have the satisfaction of popping a big zit.
This is really embarrassing.
Jun 1 2006, 01:08 PM
doodle, that is too cool how you sent the photo.
Thanks lucizoe. I know I have a right to be upset, but I still feel guilty.