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I am a serial relationshipist and I don't think my past year of "singlehood" has really broken that habit as I had one guy or another on call for more then half of it.

I'm procratinating breaking it off completely with B until something better comes along which I know is a) a horrible thing to do b) selfish c) just going to make things really complicated and d)just plain stupidity.

I'm scared that I have missed my chance with the one I'm supposed to be with.

Having said that I still want someone else. He is the only person with whom I had the thought that I could spend the rest of my life with one person. Even if we weren't the perfect match we just worked together.
sometimes i think that i'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

sometimes i think that might be ok.
*whew* you are all so brave.

and now for my confessions, some of which i've never even thought about until i started reading here.

i feel guilty for no longer being straightedge or vegan.

i am terrified that since dysfunctional relationships have become my norm, a regular guy will register with me as a total freak and i won't pursue anything.

i'm pretty sure no one will ever want me again, which actually makes me consider going back to the relationship i had. it's a physical effort not to cave in to that, especially when i know he wants me back.

i hate myspace and secretly despise everyone on there. but i have a myspace page so that i can snoop on them and i'm also a total livejournal whore.

sometimes i hope that the ex.boy really will have to go to jail, just so that i can keep his dog.

ditto the vegan
your myspace, my tribe
the dog thing made me laugh.

confession. i'd rather stay inside on weekends and play videos for the kid so i can clean the house and do all the dang laundry then take him outside to play. it's all the time i gots and i don't want to piss it away at the park. i feel awful.
I'm a strict vegetarian, but very occasionally I eat a secret tuna sandwich.

I think I may have a drinking problem.

I think I may have a gambling problem.

I thik I may have a shopping problem.
I have food problems. As in, I'm either not eating enough or I'm eating too much. I had a balance for about two months once and it was great, but I feel like I'll never get back to being that healthy and happy again, so I don't even try.
I am supposed to be saving up for when I go to university. I spend all my money on eating out, taxis, alcohol and ebay.

I have £200 saved. I tell everyone its more.
i always say i'm poor, even when i know i have between four and five thousand dollars in my bank accounts. i continue to say i'm poor because i know within a year or two tuition will eat everything up, and i figure i should get used to thinking like a poor person now so it's not a shock to my system.

i constantly sabotage my own efforts to lose weight. and i really don't know why.

I just came back to say, I was more triggered by some people's confessions to think of what it was I did not like and had a hard time dealing with, than I was against the people themselves.

In other words, I'm not judging you all for posting here or for what you generally say, but sometimes I will not like *someone* (not wanting to name the person-in-real-life) and you may feel offended because you feel you live up to that description. Same with me.

Someone could easily say, "I'm totally COBBED by cheesy middle aged women like Mimi on Drew Carey who can't throw their ugly TROLL DOLLS away. What are you thinking?!"

Uh oh -- I just confessed I have troll dolls. Yes, I have my troll dolls from child hood so I might take that personally. Gak.

but, i was trying to make a more coherent point about how to deal with stigma.

I knew a woman, JD, who was the woman with the snapping turtle face and body, and all she did was take maniacal care of her hair and constantly be very pushy and nasty in social situations. Now, in a way, it was "You go girl, don't feel bad and hold back" -- but she went way over the top and got obnoxious.

I had another friend -- ex friend -- I'll call Ann, who started a feminist magazine, who was also the daughter of a mentally ill man and figured since I was too that it would be easy to exploit me -- I must be low in self-esteem. I had to break up that friendship.

I know a couple of other women who have had major depressive episodes and can also do the "depression to grandiosity" mood swing of narcissism about their looks, and yet, they are still my friends because instead of being hostile about it, they have developed charm and humor and will pull back when they start feeling nasty.

All four have money from their parents to lean on.

I was talking about my frustration with never being able to complain about mental ill relatives without fearing to hurt vulnerable and oppressed people. Also, i hate it when i'm the one who is nice to the person whom others pick on, and then the picked-on person is crappy to ME instead of to the fascist jock types

sometimes people's posts remind me of that -- it seems like their cheering themselves for being shitty as a way to make up for past victimhood and I don't think that's good thing.

but but but

I do respect people here.

tyger -- oh,the whole rich/poor thing is something I am sensitive about, and I appreciate your commentary. I am going through a change in my life that costs money, and also WANT to spend, but have to remind myself not to do it!! Paying the movers comes first!! And after that, rather than trying to get all darling with my house, I need to save for a laptop and software for my career. So I will try to be one of those annoying fake poor people ;-) -- no offense -- make myself scrimp for a good career move like your dear self.

also -- I got so drunk once on Jagermeister I can remember nothing of that night but a river of vomit, one of my tougher friends leading me home by the arm because I was BLIND, and fond memories of a nice big sturdy chromium trash can that I clung to for HOURS.

I can still see it in my mind.

And before that, I had considered myself the Jager Mistress. I would brag about how well I could handle it
I'm going to be self-indulgent here, because I rarely feel so good about myself. I broke down yesterday reading about a documentary about suicide and peoples' reactions to suicide in their circle of family and friends...I got really angry at the comments about how selfish suicide is, nothing can be that bad, blah blah blah

I can't believe how fucking close I have come to offing myself on more than one occasion and the judgemental tone of the comments I read, while no doubt fueled by grief and confusion and rage, and in no way directed at me personally, still stung AND pissed me off. Who the fuck are they to judge someone for taking an action like that? I would love to invite some of those people to sit in my brain during suicidal periods and see how well they can snap out of pain like that.

The fact that I have survived that, so far, makes me proud of myself. I know it probably sounds pretty pathetic - I'm proud of myself for still being alive. But I certainly don't judge the people who couldn't see their way out. And people who do fucking piss me off. Rawr.
I used to sneak up to my old roommates room and listen to him having sex.
lucizoe, completely random story to tell that's not really a confession but you made me want to post it: my ex-best gal pal said in class a couple of months ago how selfish suicide was, KNOWING that I had attempted it 5 years ago and after feeling that way herself for a long time. Yes, there are valid reasons why we are no longer friends!


I do miss her.

I wish I didn't.
oh dear. You definitely deserve credit for working your way through that and surviving. Perhaps the person in question was telling *their own* defense against suicide -- trying to turn it around in their brain.

It's very difficult because, I was once trying to tell one of my friends who had had some major episodes about Phillip K. Dick's "Valis" in which he made some tough and humorous points about his hospital stays and lifelong schizophrenia, except the minute I started talking about some things that happened in the book I saw that she got really upset, and her boyfriend moved in protectively, and then I felt really crappy, and I told her that I didn't mean it in a bad way but I couldn't go on talking about the book because it was uncomfortable, and to talk about how the character had worked it out etc.

I felt bad for weeks afterward.

Luckily she forgave me and we're still friends -- we're able to fight or to go through things that are uncomfortable and still be there for each other.

I will say that I have a real sense of integrity and discretion -- I hardly ever "out" myself and would never "out" a friend. And that is including if I got mad at her or we broke up as friends. It's just a shitty, shitty thing to do to someone.

Even having a relative or parent with mental illness is still a stigma, and to have it yourself is worse.

However, it sucks when people take advantage or attempt to take advantage of someone who has tolerance and compassion. I guess the same would happen with drug addicts or criminals, none of whom are in my circle.

There is an almost instinctive sense, antennae picking up who is going to be cool with it.

It stinks that people would make comments in public where you don't necessarily feel like getting on a soapbox in public but feel bad inside, which they should be able to figure out unless they have a brain the size of a pea.

Im not excusing them at all, I'm on your side, just trying to explain why it is it might have happened. When you think about it, there are so many things that are "wrong" with people, that supposedly disqualify them from having power and glory and respect and safety and money-- Oh you're too tall or too short or too fat or too skinny or too ugly or too sexy or your sexuality is wrong or you express the pain in your life and circumstances by illness, suicidal thoughts, drugs, despair, drink, food, you or one of your family had an "expensive" illness, you did something that is a crime or a misdemeanor -- you learn things in a different way than others -- there are so many things used to exclude people --your parents don't live in the right neighborhood or belong to the right club, the college degree is from here instead of there, you're too old, you're too young, you do or don't have a kid or "too many" or the "wrong" kind of kid... and I think it is all bullshit. It is no different from out and out racism or anti-semitism -- it's all just EXCUSES to try to narrow the pool of COMPETITION for THE GOOD THINGS in life that we ALL want.

Take someone who could be competition and try to tie a can to their tail.

It really sucks, I know

It's what I've been bitching about all along.

I have this horrible way of running into the ruling classes cast-offs. They buy their own house or their parents buy them a nice apartment and a fancy school, and every time I go over there they try to make some remark to make me feel like a turd because I wasn't born to money. And meanwhile, here they are with me -- they've been CASTOFF for being ill or fat or gay or whatever. And, I have nothing against people like that at all, but they feel if I'm nice to them they have a free punching bag and it's OKAY. At least IIIII have MONEY, it seems they are thinking. my family treats me like garbage and it's hard for me to get jobs, but LOOOOOK I have MONEY. damn.

That is so not cool.

I wish we would all get over it already. I'm sad to say I have been a couple decades on this earth in a supposedly liberal city and sophisticated part of the country and blah blah blah and I still haven't met a short person that doesn't feel BAD about being short and a fat person that doesn't feel BAD about being fat and for GODS SAKE. I really wish we were over this shit already!!
Wow. I just read this whole thread and its archives, which leads to my first confession, which is that I have a Spanish exam tomorrow for which I have not studied.

I feel like I am pushing and pushing harder and harder to see how much I can get away with before I get kicked out of whatever I do/my programme. This is bad, as it's how I have money to live.

I want to violently beat one of my co-workers because his OCDish tendencies are driving me up the wall.

Whenever I walk into a room of people I don't know anything about, I assume I am smarter than all of them until someone proves otherwise...and if that happens, I hate her/him for being a stuck-up know-it-all. I also assume that if I were skinnier, I would be much more attractive than any of them.
lys, i should confess to your last confession, too. also, i assume people who try to out-knowledge me actually don't know much, but are desperate to appear more intelligent to impress me.

i've noticed that none of my friends are unattractive, and i wonder if this is just how it ended up or i subconsciously don't want to be around people i see as ugly
i make fun of people with eating disorders/food issues because i don't understand them.

i said mean things about a friend who was in the other room while on the phone. I was aware of how loud I was.

i am still in love with a boy. he's been in love wtih another lady for six months. I feel so lame but i still dream we'll be together one day and he'll remember the brief thing we had before he had her.

I've risked a lot while getting intoxicated. I wonder what people think of me. I often assume acquaintences know everything i've done and are talking about me. I worry that I'll never get any professional respect because a few of my professors have seen me in such sorry states. I remember everything, which is the worst part.

i am proud of myself for not dying yet. the only thing that matters to me is that my parents are proud. I don't really give a shit about the important stuff. it will probably lead downhill, as i have no work ethic but parents who love me.
I saw my ex in the office I work in, and nothing has given me greater pleasure in life that he ended up where he did! I am getting pleasure out of his misery.
i am damaged. and i seek out other damaged people. i am highly suspicous of undamaged people. i instinctively love misfits more than i do perfect people.

that being said, if someone with excessive issues sends up "red flags" to me, i'm immediately wary and place them at arm's length. and pretty much keep them there.

i'm scared my life will lose all purpose once my son leaves home. k. that one was really hard.
On that note... basically I feel the same way about people. Not too many issues, but not too few either. I'm the goldilocks of friendships.

I work hard to conceal my damaged-ness from being seen. Except maybe here.

I had a lovely flatmate who became a friend. We got on so well and agreed on so many things, but secretly I always felt like an unstable rackety unfocused person next to her. Still do.
mandolyn oh. the son thing. i know.
i think one of the reasons that i want another baby is that i couldn't bear it if anything happened to this one. ugh. that is a hard one to face up to but it's the truth. i'd have three or four just to ensure that i always had children to love and dote on. what would i do without him? better not to even tempt the universe with the asking. he is my life.
i can't wait until my favorite smutty ebook publishers put out new titles each month. so i can fire up my filesharing program and download them for free.
Sybarite - i know that feeling. I had a wonderful roommate (the perfect stranger type roommate). We are very close and tell each other everything now. She moved out to live with her boyfriend who is wonderful. She is beautiful in that effortless way. She treats people wonderfully. She is just a joy to be around. She has the prefect job and the perfect wardrobe. And I am soooo jealous of her sometimes that I can't be around her but when that happens I miss her almost right away. I try to be more like her and practice her way with people and everytime I end up feeling like a child dressing up in mom's clothes. When we go out (even in casual stuff) I feel like a slob and a little rough around the edges in dress and personality.

I have only recently confessed to people about being damaged and broken. They already knew. And those I thought weren't damaged are too.

I am unwilling to admit that I have found someone who maybe perfect for me and I find myself looking for escape routes. I feel safer knowing I can run. And I am scared that I will run. I know that at this point I would still go back to a certain someone who isn't right for me if I was given the chance becaues with them there was always an out and it didn't feel so scary to be involved with them because there was so little commitment.
ugh, i have that girlfriend too. effortlessly beautiful but puts in the effort to look stunning. perfect wardrobe, interesting job, nice home. when we go out i feel like the ugly duckling every time. she's so good to me though so it's hard to not love her. i'm jealous of her and it makes me feel like a yicky friend.
sin: volunteering in my girl's school today, observing the 8th graders, and I systematically categorized and labeled some of them :
".. I'd put you, you ( big lipped surfer kinda boys w/ shaggy hair, the 'don't notice me/I've got a secret' bobbed hair girl and the shy looking girl in the way back that I think could really rock out if given the chance, in a band together"
".. future criminal." " and I know, you're Cool and I'm just a M-O-M and I don't know anything about anything, yah yah, I got you. this mama knows more than you'd imagine kiddo and I know that life is going to be rough if you live the way you are trying to pretend to. where are your role models?"
".. future criminal but not really & you need to realise this before you do something stupid."
"..short stubby & annoying and no Way had my girl ever get a crush on anyone like you bc you just look irritating.."
".. YOU though, look like a nice kid. yes, YOU may have permission to think my girl is Cute. but just not yet. not ever. YOU'RE BOTH TOO YOUNG!!"
"..strange girl that I can't figure out: I don't know why I always notice you. at first I thought you might be special needs, but you're not. you're kick-ass smart. but there's this aloof aloneness about you, like a bubble of space that seems to isolate you and you seem to function within it unaware of anyone else but yet I still strongly sense a very real Lonliness that makes me want to reach out & make things better for you. have always tried to be extra nice when I've seen you, have even tried to get my girl to befriend you but you don't seem interested.
what is it with you? you make me sad and I don't understand why."

and that was my day, as I proctored mandatory testing at my girl's school the last 2 days.
sometimes I shame myself w/ my own biased thoughts :-(
freckle - I do that. Constantly, to anyone and everyone.

I think I sometimes pick fights with my father just because I can.

I am not studying for my exam. I'm procrastinating on here.

I don't want my friend's two (female) friends to move in with us. When you add his gf, that makes five people - and the friends & gf and him are all friends, but I am only his friend. I don't want to live with lots of people, and I don't want to live with girls. I especially don't want to live with his friends.
Forgot to say thank you for the support pepper and misspissed! You rule. Julia Cameron and Clea Simon are two cool writers with "those very special family members" Otherwise it's pretty much under the old rug - also, Sheila Ballantine "Norma Jean the Termite Queen" is hella cool funny book about her moving out from under negative expectations.

Confess; well, I too feel smarter and prettier than most people.

I also feel I trust smart and attractive people more. Why? because people that consider themselves to be ugly or stupid are often very defensive and envious and do the whole "suck up to authority so you can pick on someone" or gang up kind of thing. What did the t-shirt say? Never underestimate the power of large groups of stupid people?

Something like that.

It's amazing to meet people who are quite attractive that still think they're ugly though. It's like what they say about bears. They won't hurt you unless you corner them!!

But you never know what THE BEAR WILL CONSIDER being cornered.

Another: I will behave with great virtue and discipline for awhile and then get sick of it and just want to sit around and read and write and draw and eat sugary things. It's like slumping back to childhood. It's not just resting, it's really blowing things off.

And i would MUCH rather blow money on eating out than cook for myself. I'm just happy I had good lunches this week. What's so hard about it fer fecks sake. I'm hoping a more bright and pleasant kitchen with a stove that's gas instead of electric will help with this but I wouldn't count on it.

I think my guy is getting annoyed at how little housework I do. But then it's cool I've got a guy who doesn't think he's entitled to "services"

Also I resent women -- mostly -- who think all they have to do to get through life is have relationships with people. Not just living off a man, that's not what I mean -- you might stay home for many different reasons -- but people that show up for a low-level job, barely can do any of it, never want to do anything, and try to jive, connive, backbite and gossip all fricking day long. Or, you know them socially and they are really powertripping on the friends, and defensive about how little money they make, and always trying to pay less than their fair share on shared bar tabs or apartment roommate things or something, and yet, they do not make, nor have they EVER made, nor do they have any INTENTION of ever making, even one single move to get an education, skills, or any other credentials. grrr!!
sometimes i wish i could have an eating disorder, just long enough to get skinny, and i resent that my self-esteem's too high and i'm too well educated on the dangers to let myself starve.

i'm jealous of my 7-month old niece because my brother's already giving her a better life than i'll ever be able to give my daughter.
I confess.... I hate Steve K.....
I recently asked a couple of friends if they think of themselves as damaged and they said no. This is why I keep my secrets.

I sometimes hate one of my best friends because she makes me feel really guilty over stuff I did when we were in middle school or high school. When someone brings up that they feel bad about something they did to me a few years ago I tell them it's in the past, no worries, and I mean it. I feel like she wants me to always feel guilty sometimes. She can be a very caring person but she often hurts people in deeper ways and I hate that.
*It's my I'm bumping*
I used to steal condoms from my parents before I was on the pill! I always felt weird about it, and it's not that I was afraid to buy them myself, it's that we had no money! Better safe than sorry!
Happy Birthday ((((lucizoe))))! *mwah*
humanist, i bet your parents would rather have had you steal condoms from them than not use them at all, right?

sometimes i think i'm too selfish to ever be in a real relationship. i like my space too much.

ETA: happy b-day lucizoe!!!! you rock!!!



When I was in Catholic school everyone thought I was Jewish because I wasn't Catholic (apparently Not Catholic = Jewish). On Jewish holidays everyone would say something to me, very nicely, and I was too shy to correct them. I always felt weird about that.
Happy belated b-day lucizoe!

Confession: I really really really like taunting and making fun of those associated with the right wing, particularly one pesting, beasty tr*ll. I so thirve on seeing these people miserable. Hmm maybe I was associated with death in a past life? Either that or I am a sadist.
Happy Birthday, Lucizoe!

It's a strange phenomeonon, people putting non-catholic kids in catholic schools if the public ones in their area are scary. It happens a lot in Boston, I would imagine any Northern US or Canadian urban area. In my suburb, catholic kids were a minority --there wasn't even a catholic church, or *gasp of horror* synagogue in our town. I used to think the catholic girlls were kind of cool, they'd come in wearing their communion dresses or ashes or something.

Have you seen "The Sixth Sense"? My take on that movie is that M. Night Shymalan was a little freaked by his sudden, rather late immersion into some of the weirder catholic beliefs. His parents in Philadelphia put him in a catholic school because it was prestigious. "You mean if I'm a nice person, people who were tortured to death will show themselves to me and give me advice? AHHHHHHH!!!!"

Nothing against catholics though, some of my irish relatives are catholic. I used to think it was kind of cool.
I'm too lazy to edit the typos in my last post.

But obviously (I hope) I'm not anti-semitic, either.
Did you ever know anyone who would only show up if you were in trouble or pain of some kind? Creepy, isn't it?
I've never known of any local Jews who went to Catholic school (and I know a lot Jews) - it's not really a common practice here, as far as I know (I'm in a large urban Canadian area). Also, in Quebec, Manitoba, Alberta and British Columbia I believe that all religious schools are subsidized by the governemnt. . .though don't quote me on that one, it's only what I've heard/read. Here in Ontario, only Catholic schools are and it's been a very contentious issue b/c Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, etc. schools are not. Still, in most cases, people are more likely to try and send their kids to a public school in a "good area."

*apologizes for further derailing this thread from confessional mode*
Um, I confess ... I'm a Catholic.
In Scotland (and I'm thinking this differs from the rest of the UK...) we have denominational and non-denominational schools. However, you do not have to be Catholic to go to a predominantly Catholic school, I had Protestant and Muslim friends at school; the criteria for school choice is mainly good school/location. As an aside, I know of one Jewish nursery school in my city, many synagogues and many mosques but no other religious schools (even private - fee-paying).

end of my derailment.
I just charged a neighbor my full consulting rate, that I normally charge for professional work, just to install her DSL.

I don't feel guilty about charging for my time. I feel guilty because I did it to make her think twice about asking me to come over and help her with stupid shit. I wish I were not capable of being so disdainful.
Sometimes I'm afraid my relationship is going to fall apart and I blame my boyfriend for not changing things I have addressed...but really, I think the issues I have that I am unable or unwilling to change is what would really cause us to break up.

I'm really ashamed of the fact that I find it impossible to say "I love you" to anyone, much less him, after 5 years.
every once in a while i watch the evening news to remind myself why i don't.

today: a man with a dog who sniffed out a cancerous side of his head, sports, a grocery store with a caved-in roof, and a sexual predator is being released.
it makes me lose even more faith in the human race.

i honestly don't know if i'm pretty
OT, but...M. Night went to a Catholic school that only goes up to eighth grade, so I don't know how late he really could've entered it. Additionally, I read that he was sent there because it was a very disciplined school and, being from the area, I know that to be true of the school. However, he graduated from an Episcopalian school, which I also know had many students who were children of Indian descent, because we all rode the bus together.

And in the Philadelphia area, you are more likely to be sent to a Quaker school and not be Quaker, because we have lots of those and there is less focus on non-inclusive religion in the schools themselves than in the parochial schools, something which non-Quaker families obviously like.

/end OT
misspissed's one that took me YEARS to figure out, even though it was staring me in the face:

i have a food addiction. i have a very unhealthy relationship with food and my weight, and have been diagnosed as a Compulsive Overeater.

it is hard to talk about this because so many people feel that it is not a "real" addiction, like say alcohol or drugs. i guess because we need to eat to live, people just don't realise how one can have a food addiction.

just like they teach in all the other 12-step programs, it has to be one day at a time.

OT -- i went to a catholic grammar school / junior high..and we had a few non-catholics. although i don't think we had any jewish kids in our class, i do remember we were taught a lot about the jewish faith. i liked that, and it retrospect it makes perfect sense, as catholicism is an off-shoot of judaism (IMO)
OT/ If you first go to catholic school or immerse in catholicism at the age when most kids would be in fourth or fifth grade, you have missed a lot. The foundations of the faith, the first communions, etc, are installed in the early kindergarten and primary grades. I went to school with them, so I know that to be true.

food addiction is in fact a lot like other addictions -- it crops up when the person is distressed about something, they can't stop even though they are spending a lot of money and time, losing relationships, having bad physical effects, etc.

That said though, a person who has a food addiction - if it's overeating or bulimia, anyway -- is a lot healthier, both psychologically and physically, then those who abuse drugs or alcohol.

This vast knowledge comes from reading women's magazines -- weight obsessed that they are.
I sent a copy of my book to my ex's mom, partly because she and I were close, but mostly to annoy him.

I googled everybody I had terror sex with in Fall 01 because I'd like to send books to their fucking mothers, too.
I got banned from posting on the Weight Watchers baords because I coulnd't stop harrassing the fat ladies. I am a troll.

(And before anyone gets all up on me for being sizist please bear in mind that I am myself a fat lady ,which makes the whole thing even creepier. Am I acting out? is it a self-hatred thing? In my defense, they are NOT NICE fat ladies)
I am lonely. I feel like my friends have more of a life than I do. They all always have plans to do stuff and go places and I just don't. All my close friends from years back have moved away and I miss them. I miss being able to just call up and hang out. You'd never know I feel this way if you were around me, but I do.
"a person who has a food addiction - if it's overeating or bulimia, anyway -- is a lot healthier, both psychologically and physically, then those who abuse drugs or alcohol."

huh what? physically ok, but psychologically? like that 1000lb friend of richard simons is any worse off in the head than a crack addict. i don't think so. addiction is addiction is addiction, be it beer, burgers, meth or pussy. that's why they treat all addiction with the same 12 step program. because it's all in yer head.

ok, i work with a freaking witch with a b at the bank and i want to killify her. but instead i am super sweety-pie nicey nice 'cause i am killin' that wench with kindness. and then im a gonna go to the bank manager and complain. mehbee she'll get fired. cranky, nasty little twat.

i am such a tattle tale.

hey, what belongs in the sin bin and what belongs here? sometimes i think they're meshing into one thread. not that i mind, i just don't know what to put where anymore.
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