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I was mad when some one from my h.s. graduating class figured out who I was on myspace. I do all I can to make sure only people who I want to know, know who I am.
spending time with my family is exhausting. physically and mentally. I only do it so that I can help my mom deal with shit and to have a relationship with my niece. Everyone else can fuckin bite me.
confession: i think i'm better than everybody else because i drive a shitty used car with good gas mileage and because i reuse ziplock bags and shit. i have carbon footprint snobbery in the worst way because i don't buy into the green consumerism trend. therefore i think i'm better than everybody else who recycles because i've always done it.

confession #2: am drunk. kind of.

confesssion #3: i just left a scintillating and kind of hilarious conversation about conceptual art, affluence & success with two cute smart art boys because somewhere in the back of my mind i didn't feel that i *should* be there since my *connection* to these people had already left. even though we were having a good conversation and i had nowhere to go. there was a lull, so i stood up and said "i should go" even though i didn't have anywhere to go (see? i am instead here at home on the internet). why do i not feel that i alone am valid as being part of any social interaction? why do i have to have an excuse to be there? why can i not just feel comfortable and not that people are thinking "why is she still here" when we are obviously having an engaging conversation?

this is shit that needs worked on.
I ignore the fact that even though I don't drive (thank you, European public transport systems) I probably have a sizeable carbon footprint due to a lot of longhaul flights.
confession: i resent the hell out of mr. trouble's roomate. he is a real lummox, who doesn't know his own strength, constantly breaking things, and in the time that i have known the two of them, he has broken 2 toilet seats! WTF? HOW DO YOU BREAK A TOILET SEAT?! after that i took to calling him 'ol' iron ass.' i have to admit, i'm mean to him because he's a slob. he spilled ground coffee on the floor and two days later... still there! and he takes no responibility! he's 60+ years old and he's like a f'ing child! he gets food in his beard, and when i call him on it he says, "nuh i don't." i started calling him captain foodbeard after that.

confession: i love talking to him. he's taught me a lot, he's one of the best people to talk to about some of my favorite subjects: politics, labor/union history, film or music (but no, i don't want to hear shit about dylan or the beatles AGAIN), and he is the best pain submissive to learn and bdsm thing on from whips, floggers, canes etc, on, but fuck if he doesn't PISS ME THE FUCK OFF! FUCKING GROW UP.

confession:i love how sharp my tounge is. after years of muzzling myself, it's nice to know i can insult someone to their face and have them be none the wiser.
Confession: I do not want to hang out with my 5 year old niece today. I was in a decent mood when I got up but now my brother and her have come over and I just want them to fucking leave. Actually I want my entire family to fucking leave! My parents leave for a month on Monday. Living at home is getting real old real fast.
confession: I drank last night after I ate, and was sorely disappointed at the lack of buzz acquired;
granted, it's wrong to drink to get drunk straight off I know and I was somewhat ashamed to drink in front of frecklette at all, but really, still thought it'd be worth the mother-guilt price and then it wasn't at all.
I felt guilty & still totally sober.
what shit.

confession: both the puppy's and my kitchen floor are insanely, nasty dirty, but am not sure I feel up to bathing either of them, as it's not one or the other but always absolutely Both and am just feeling kinda blah right now.

confession: being an "adult" really bites sometimes when I am feeling lazi & resent the hell out of not having people come in & do shit for me.
confession: I am a little pissed off at people not making the effort to spend time with me before I uproot to another city NEXT MONTH. I suppose I'll be out of sight, out of mind. I understand that people are busy but I'm the one who has to do a shitload before I leave and yet I'd still like to hang out with my friends before I do. I cannot help but feel slighted and selfish although it may succeed in making me less nostalgic about home.
bunny: do not expect it to be much different later when you go back to visit where you started from; people will still expect you to come to them, even if you have already at that point, traveled hundreds and thousands of miles to get back there, the same place they took you for granted to start with. they will be terribly hurt & put out if you don't make the effort to then travel the additional hour-2 -whatever.
sometimes, people just suck.

where are you moving to?
good luck! I hope it's a wonderful expereince for you!
((Bunnyb)) I've been there. The friends worth your time and affection will make time to see you.

Confession: piggybacking on other people's confessions. To wit: EJ, a friend of the mister's has a really irrritating 6 year old and I hate it when they come to the house. She sits in front of the TV and watches kiddy shit, and screams if I try and change the channel... in our house. Grrr.

Freckle, I always feel guilty if I'm drinking when the mister's daughter is around. And last night I was totally drinking for the buzz: it's been a long week (year?) and I was determined to unwind however possible. I'm sorry to hear you couldn't get your buzz on.
Thanks (((freckle))) and (((syb))). freckle, I'm moving from Glasgow, Scotland to London, England so not that far away that I can't go home to visit regularly and people can come visit me (if the want to).

I have a lot of confessions and ambivalent thoughts surrounding uprooting. I am doing what's right for me, my career and my relationship (the boy and I are going to live together for the first time) and that's all great but I am also relieved to be escaping from my home life, especially my sister and the problems that come with her. Having a lot of distance and living my own life is what I need, even if it does make me selfish. It sounds harsh but the only thing I am upset about leaving is my cat (who, for the time-being is staying at home).
confession: how very odd, that no less than 2 former boyfriends have contacted me in the last 2 weeks now;
I'm trying to figure out if it means something.. but can't fathom what?
(see Gt? the 2nd one's wife sent me a sweet note on our myspace tonight)
kinda feels like a 'this is your life 20{million} YEARS AGO freckleface..'

(((((((bunnyb))))))) all things will fall into place, just wait & see. but my heart hurts for you having to leave your cat behind; I did that once and it almost killed both of us as my parents said she Mourned me for weeks after I left.
sad.gif (((((((((bunnyb & kitty))))))))))) are you Sure you cannot take her with you?
confession: i think i need therapy. but i don't want to deal with the time or expense.
confession: i know i need therapy. but i'm annoyed that i do. it pisses me off i can't figure my shit out by myself, but it's very obvious to anyone who really, really knows me, i can't.
and what mouse said.

confession: i really don't want to get a job. i'd much rather go back to school, something i thought i'd never say. the job market has been so heartbreaking cruel for me in the last year, i really don't want to face it again.

confession: i wear my heart on my sleeve, and i hate it. i feel everything waaaaaaay too deeply.

I miss her already.
confession: I'm afraid that I will never be happy. in love, in career, in location, with myself. or content..content is the word I'm looking for.
I get the feeling that everyone else I know is just peaches n cream, and I'm the one who just can't seem to make a smoother ride for myself. that life for them is just ho-hum and normal and they are in happy relationships or engaged, in school, or working on some art show, or working on some album, or already have a jump start on their career, not in debt, and what not...I dunno. I know it's not true, but I get that pinch in my stomach about how my insecurities have disabled me from doing all those things myself.
I feel like I've made mistake after mistake in the past couple of years. I try to think of it as a growing experience. that all my upheavals will have a positive outcome. but, sometimes I just don't know what to think or do anymore. I'm not trusting my intuition. not trusting my judgments. So I fear making decisions. I'm so in the thick of living with the consequences of my judgments.

(((Bunnyb))) I'm so sorry about your kitty. I would be devastated if I had to leave mine, but at least your kitty will be safe. I hope for the time-being means that you will soon be reunited. I've had to leave my kitty with my parents before when uprooting. It's hard, but safety is what matters for my little chewy.
I think your move sounds amazing and exciting otherwise!!! GL!!
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Aug 18 2008, 07:59 AM) *
confession: i know i need therapy. but i'm annoyed that i do. it pisses me off i can't figure my shit out by myself, but it's very obvious to anyone who really, really knows me, i can't.

girl is speaking my BRAIN.

gt, DARLING, you couldn't have said it better. that's exactly it, beyond the time/money hassle. like "come on. just get on with it. why are you dwelling on this, just get over it. SUCK IT UP". i actually have major disdain (which i know is probably something i have to work on, ha) for people with issues who can't get over them. but i think i'm actually one of them. it's also frustrating because it's like--i had a great fucking childhood. i was raised to have such self-confidence. i used to think i was remarkably well-adjusted. why the hell aren't i????

Confession: I'm a pedantic old biddy, which is why I got into education. To illustrate: if you feel you're ready for therapy and your health insurance doesn't cover it, or only covers a certain number of visits, there are several counseling centers out there who use sliding scale fees, based on what you can pay at the moment. The reason they're able to do this is because they employ therapists who are in the process of finishing their internship hours. Which means it might be a little harder to find a therapist who is a good fit for you, but if you're not comfortable with the therapist they set you up with, you can always ask them to find you another, which they're usually glad to do.

After breaking up with a long term boyfriend in '98, I was a mess. I went to my community counseling center, had the intake appointment, and they set me up with a woman who was my age. I told them I couldn't afford more than $20 per session, which they accepted. But I was a little worried about my therapist's youth and seeming lack of experience. As our sessions went on, though, I realized she was actually good for what I needed at the time, which was just to have someone listen to me vent about the ex-b/f for 9 months. We did briefly get into some other personal stuff, but I wasn't ready to dig any deeper at the time and she didn't push me. After a year, I ended our therapeutic relationship because I was ready to move on. ...But about 2 years later, I returned to the counseling center, having realized there were deeper issues going on with me that I needed some help to work out. I was finally ready to dig. They set me up with a different therapist this time, and again accepted my offer to pay $20 per session.

That started a therapeutic relationship that has lasted 8 years. The woman they set me up with was the right therapist for me, in so many ways. We have worked on so much stuff and been through so much stuff together. Over the course of our therapeutic relationship, she became licensed and was able to charge more money for her services. The counseling center did a fee re-evaluation every year as it was, so my therapist's fees didn't exceed that when she raised them.

My experience has shown me that when you're ready to do the work and you've found the right therapist for you, you can make a lot of discoveries, have some breakthroughs and accomplish a lot. There are different schools of therapy, too. Some therapists are more directive than others, and some focus on rationality, which works for some clients and doesn't work for others. My therapist is more Rogerian, meaning she follows therapist Carl Rogers' practices, which involves a lot of reflective listening (repeating back to the client what they just said, which serves to help enforce the therapeutic relationship, since the client really feels as if they've been heard). A large part of the therapeutic relationship is finding the right therapist for you with whom you can develop the therapeutic bond, which isn't like any other bond in your life. It's not parental, friend, or partner, but a person in your life who listens to you and sees you in ways that friends, family members and co-workers don't or can't. And you have to feel comfortable enough with them to allow them to see the emotional, scary stuff when you're ready to go there, and feel ok that they're in it with you. Or at least be ok with starting to let them in.

'Nuff said. I've blathered on too long as usual. But I'm all about good therapy and know how it can be helpful. As a secular humanist, I guess this would be the equivalent of a fundamentalist christian 'witnessing' about the 'glory of god' in an attempt to convert you. Can I get an 'amen' for the witness?? Testify.
mouse, thirtiesgirl is right (here's your amen).
if you feel you are ready for it, listen to your gut and do it.

I started about 6 or 7 weeks ago out of extreme neccessity & it's one of the best calls I've ever made.
each time I see her, I walk out feeling 1000x's better.
it's a good sounding board for your own sanity if nothing else.
I don't think there's any issue to it anymore, everyone does it and it's probably one of the smarter societal trends for a change.


gt sweets, you already know; do it for that wonderful teenaged girl in your heart. give her a break & let her talk to somone bc if she's hurting, that's not right.
confession: i'm wondering if all of these setbacks are a sign that i'm not cutout for psychology. i feel like i give up.
confession: after some internal discussion with myself.. the resurfacing of 2 ex boyfriends (both happily married, which is wonderful) is maybe the universe showing me that while yes, I did have shit relationships w/ a good # of really shitassed men in the past, there were also some really nice, good ones too that still think of me well, that care enough even 20 years later, to hope I am ok and have no ulterior motives past that.
that's cool. that says as a reminder to me ' you are worthy of love & affection based on who you are bc who you are is O K. you're not too much or too little but just right as you are and those that don't get it, or make you feel otherwise were never worth your time or affections to begine with.'

it's a heady thing to begin to internalize but I'm working on it.

say it w/ me busties....

" I Am O K ! "

confession: I'm sitting up here busting bc I'm afraid to go try my new meds. unsure.gif
I'm gonna jump in on the therapy is a great thing bandwagon...

the way I see it, it's not a weakness to go to therapy - it's a strength, to know that you want to become a more well adjusted, healthy person. It's a strength to face your issues dead on and walk through them with the assistance of someone who knows how to truly help you grow through it all. There are so many people that have issues that color their whole world, how they deal with people on a day to day basis, relationships, etc etc in a counterproductive manner, who don't choose to deal with those issues.... I think it's a sign of huge personal strength to care enough about yourself that you are willing to reach out for the assistance and do the work to become a more whole, healthy person and have a more content life, relationships, etc.

so yea, that's my .02 cents. Therapy with an amazing therapist has changed my life hugely for the better.
I agree with what Zoya said. I went to counseling but with a therapist for just a few months but it really helped me when I needed it. I sort of felt like I already knew what I needed to change but I didn't know how to articulate it. The therapist was there more to help me face the stuff I already knew and once I'd done that I felt like I didn't need to go anymore. I feel like people aren't honest enough anymore in everyday interactions and we've gotten out of practice of how to deal with our shit. I liked speaking to someone because I felt like I could be totally honest and I knew she was being honest with me because I was paying her to. tongue.gif
it's not as if i see it as a weakness, it's just that i don't see that my problems really amount to a hill of beans. honestly, like mouse said, i just can't understand why i can't just get over it, and get on with it. and it's not that i haven't gone to therapy before. it just seems like the issues i have are a pebble, and i've gone up mountains before, it just seems like this pebble is too much for me and it seems ridiculous.

i'm not really looking to be talked into it or be convinced. i'm just stating where i'm at, and how i'm feeling about it. it's just annoying that i can't figure out it myself. i don't think there's anything wrong with anyone whose seen a therapist, it's just what is wrong with me, from my pov, is that that i can't figure this out.
QUOTE(stargazer @ Aug 18 2008, 02:31 PM) *
confession: i'm wondering if all of these setbacks are a sign that i'm not cutout for psychology. i feel like i give up.

I'll share my personal experience, and also having studied this in grad school, I know it's something that happens to a lot of people in therapy. After I'd been in therapy for a while, a bunch of issues started coming up at the same time and I started feeling a little 'stuck' because I was feeling overwhelmed. I didn't know that's what it was at the time, but when I finally found the words to talk about it with my therapist (and she helped me find them), things slowly evolved and we were able to work through most of the issues. I eventually became unstuck with most of them and was able to move on and make progress in dealing with my issues.

QUOTE(girltrouble @ Aug 18 2008, 06:18 PM) *
[color=#ff0066]it's not as if i see it as a weakness, it's just that i don't see that my problems really amount to a hill of beans. honestly, like mouse said, i just can't understand why i can't just get over it, and get on with it. and it's not that i haven't gone to therapy before. it just seems like the issues i have are a pebble, and i've gone up mountains before, it just seems like this pebble is too much for me and it seems ridiculous.

GT, I know you don't want to be convinced, so I'll try to be as brief as my pedantic self can handle. According to every school of therapy I've studied, if you don't deal with stuff from your past, it will continue to effect your current life and can lead to feelings of being 'stuck' because you're relating to things in your current life by employing patterns from your past. Or you're reacting emotionally because things in your current life are bringing up emotions from your past.

To give a personal example, I grew up with a mom who has borderline personality disorder. I won't go into the specifics because it can be a hard disorder to describe, but to put it in a nutshell, it can often lead to a very judgmental, highly critical personality, which my mom definitely has. She literally can't accept anyone else's feelings but her own which lead to a lot of emotional neglect for me when I was a kid. To this day, I have a very hard time accepting criticism. Even after years of therapy, I still often react to criticism like I have post-traumatic stress disorder. But I'm getting better, slowly but surely, with the help of my therapist. I'm not going to let that part of my past fuck up my life now.

Anyway, I'm sure I've written more than enough. When/if you're ready for therapy, GT, you'll know.
.....actually thirtiesgirl, I think that stargazer isn't meaning she's stuck in her issues in therapy.. I think she means quite literally psychology. She's a PhD candidate in Psychology!!!! smile.gif
Hubby is out of town and I am here by myself totally missing him. I even miss how he would annoy the shit out of me. I will never be annoyed again! Plus, soooo boring without him. He makes me laugh all the time.
i failed chem

i tried really hard and i learned a lot more from this course than any other math based course i've taken.

but i could have tired harder. now i've bought myself a whole other year because of scheduling and how this was an important prerequisite. i'm a mom. and a girl who has no interest in being supported by her man. i dont have 2 more years for this shit. fuck.
QUOTE(zoya @ Aug 20 2008, 01:54 AM) *
.....actually thirtiesgirl, I think that stargazer isn't meaning she's stuck in her issues in therapy.. I think she means quite literally psychology. She's a PhD candidate in Psychology!!!! smile.gif

Oh! Duh. Well, best of luck with that. I know several people who went through a big struggle in my masters program. My own therapist had to take her MFT licensing exam twice because she didn't pass it the first time, after she'd finished her 3000 internship hours. Then again, she wasn't going for her PhD in psych. But I believe the reward is worth the struggle. There's no better investment than investing in yourself, and education is like a Roth IRA.
This is going to sound really shallow but I wish I could afford to buy a new wardrobe and look like I'm not from the area. I like being from here, but I don't like the way people dress--very Wal-Mart, outdated and boring. I'm don't necessarily want glamorous or uber-trendy but I want to look better than the average person my age around here. Yep, in addition to being shallow, I'm also being petty and vain.

To add to the therapy topic, I've been mulling that over in my mind as well. It feels like I'm stuck and I'm not handling my anxiety well, so maybe it's time to talk to someone and get a new perspective. However, the last two times I decided to get help, I got burned by who I was stuck with (insurance and affordability were the deciding factors as to who I could go to). I know there are good therapists out there, but I can't even find a decent hairdresser around here, so I'm pessimistic about finding a competent therapist. I also feel a little silly for not being able to handle this myself, since it's the same shit I've been dealing with for a long time now.
furthering the therapy discussion, i KNOW my friend desperately, desperately needs therapy but he won't/can't make the appointment (even though i encourage him to every time we speak), his family doesn't realize the severity, and i'm his only friend. i can't do anything about it as i am on the other side of the country, and he either won't listen to me or can't listen to me when i beg him to do something about it. i don't know what do to and it's gotten to the point where i worry every day that something is going to happen to make me regret not doing something more, but i really don't have any idea what else i could do.

more confession: as a result of this, my patience with him has become very short.
i'm a bad vegetarian. and after 14 years, i'm wondering if maybe at this point, i'm actually doing my body a disservice.

(but meat is yucky sad.gif )
you know were all fucked up. therapy comes up way too often. i wonder... do you suppose... that so many women takin the birth control pill and that on top of all the other pharmaceuticals... were all peeing into our local waters and water is recycled... do you suppose that were all fucked cuz our drinking water is medicated? loaded with hormones? hmm...

i confess my finger is pointing at myself
I'm pretty 100% sure that I'm screwed up bc of my childhood, but who knows, maybe there is something in the water literally.

mouse: if you don't mind me sticking in here, I really think you ought to try to call your friend's family and do your best to Make Them understand what you know.
there have been times when my brother has been MIA (homeless by choice a few times, indigent by self-neglect, sometimes disappearing just to spite my parents, you name it) and all they had was a few so-so contacts here & there to call to see what they knew but never any really good friend who knows all his troubles.
your call can make the difference.
been meanin' to ask you, is your name here from the Jimmy Buffet book?
I went into counselling after my break up and the relationship that was one which was truly unhealthy. It really worked wonders. Of course get fucked that first time after the break up also helped.

Confession: I am scared fucking shitless.
I just finished it and when I saw the chapter title of the very last one, I had a ! moment & thought about you rudder, lol.
I love his books and wish he wrote more.

confession: frecklette & I got the yards mowed & raked finally, but I still haven't paid the bills yet. unsure.gif
confession: I'm at home by myself this weekend for the first time in...years probably. And I'm kind of lonely now, not for my folks or my brother (who I live with) but lonely relationship wise. *sigh* Been a while since I felt that kind of lonely.
QUOTE(freckleface7 @ Aug 22 2008, 01:19 PM) *
mouse: if you don't mind me sticking in here, I really think you ought to try to call your friend's family and do your best to Make Them understand what you know.
there have been times when my brother has been MIA (homeless by choice a few times, indigent by self-neglect, sometimes disappearing just to spite my parents, you name it) and all they had was a few so-so contacts here & there to call to see what they knew but never any really good friend who knows all his troubles.
your call can make the difference.

freck--thanks. i think about this often, but it's not the easiest thing. he's actually an exboyfriend, my first one ever, and we got back in touch about a year or so ago (we dated in 2000, to give you a timeframe). sometimes i think he's ok, sometimes i'm convinced he's not. he goes to an incompetent doctor who prescribes him things like adderol or wellbutrin but then he (my ex, not the doctor) decides he knows best and messes with the doses and then complains that they don't work for him and then stops taking them. i think he probably could benefit from medication but i think he REALLY needs someone to talk to. his family has always been kind of distant and fucked-up, he's a total black sheep and they don't understand him, and like i said, he doesn't have any friends. i'm his only friend, and i live 3,000 miles away.

his family is supportive in the sense that they've said "make the appointment and we'll pay for it" (his family is really wealthy and they've been basically paying his rent since he graduated college four years ago), but of course he never makes the appointment. the worst part is i don't have any way of contacting his family; his father is out of the picture, they moved to a different address, and his mother and sister both married and changed their names in the past few years, and i don't know what they've changed it to. if i ask him, he won't tell me, because he knows i might call them. that said, though--i'm not sure how much they could do. he's an adult, and he hasn't yet endangered himself or anyone else.

I couldn't tell him in person so I told him in email. I feel slightly freer so he'll now when he checks his email.

Le Sigh.

I think I'll spend the rest of this weekend sedated so i don't have to deal with the outcome.
oh culture. you don't need to sedate yourself. trust me. you two have been growing closer. mostly because of him.
When I said that today I wasn't helping anyone with anything , I meant it. Felt good. It also meant I am not coming to pick your ass up at the airport. But I think you know that.

Know what else felt good? Hearing the misery in hubby's voice cuz he knows I am super pissed and that he did me wrong. but will still make sure the house is clean upon his return. He better get ready to apologize and won't get a piece until he does.

Sincerely. I don't think I have ever held out in the 10 yrs we've been together but I am so angry that witholding sex seems the best way to punish him. I'm feeling extra bitchy today. Watch out!
I really don't want to go to work tomorrow.

I mean, I am this close to calling in and telling them that this is a mistake, I've changed my mind about accepting the job, and that I'd much rather stay at home or go hiking.

Also, this is making me depressed to the point where I haven't been applying for the jobs I really want. And because this is where I was about six months ago on the whole career path, I would like to find another method of dealing with this shit because I'm rather disgusted with myself right now.

I can only be mad when I don't see him. The minute he walks in the door, I melt.

Plus he apologized. sometimes all I want is for him to admit he is wrong. Once he does this I can't continue to be angry.

Does this make me a wuss?
I emotionally manipulate the man I love. i want to constantly feel and know that he loves me that I sometimes emotionally manipulate him to explicitly say or do somethng that will assure me of his love.

I have this hot friend that threatens me when my man is around. She is the best friend, love her, but shes too hot that I hope that my man wont think of it. I think she like my boyfriend though

I promised my siste that I will pay her college fees next year. But Im not sure I will be doing that from the bottom of my heart coz I dont htink she would haev done the same thing had the tables been turned
I've done some lousy things in my life and I want to straighten them out. I'm feeling some tremendous guilt. I feel that things will straighten themselves out for the better because I do feel so bad. at the time I did these things, i was in a very unhealthy time in my life. I was not okay in my noggin.

I hope that I don't rot for this.

I am afriad that I may not get the one I really want as retribution for what I've done in the past.
It took me four hours to write an email to someone, and I'm still worried that I come across as too stupid and too glib.
I'm wondering why it took folks so long to see that the child was crying out for love, affection, and attention since her father isn't in her life, and her mother is an ass. It was just a matter of time before she fell into the hands of a guy that told her all the bulls*** she wanted to hear. Now she's pregnant at 16 and everyone is looking shocked.

Go figure. All the birth control in the world is no substitute for actual parenting and some damn common sense. Geez.

Also, I really think there's something wrong with me physically. I'm too scared to go find out what. I do hope I'm NOT knocked up. That would suck.
confession: i feel like i don't have the strength to fight for myself to contest my training decision.

confession: i wonder if i fit in this field anymore.
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