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I see skin colour.
just to clarify, the "g" i was addressing was gator. which also stands for another name he goes by. hee.
I see skin color which means I have to admit that racism is alive and well in America. to me ignoring skin color is like saying racism doesn't exsist.

freckle, maybe you can use your expeirence in Panama to understand how it is for people who are citizens in their own country and get treated like that everyday because they are not white.

I smashed my parents car into a lightpost, drove home and said I didn't know how it happened. they thought that it happened while the car was parked in the lot and I never told them the truth
I make widesweeping assumptions about people. These are based on class, or race, or some such shit.

I talk about people I don't like behind their backs, and take pleasure in laughing over thier misfortunes. They don't have to have done anything in particular to cause me to dislike them, other than irritate me slightly.

I wish my mother would stop telling my family members about my depression. I can't ask her to stop, because I was idiot enough to tell her in the first place. But I'm not ready for it to become an acknowledged part of my life - especially as she seems unable to accept that it's just the way I am. I suspect I'm in for a my-mother-in-a-hair-shirt-of-guilt session.

I have been suicidal for nearly a year, and I'm shit-scared that one day I might actually act on those impulses.
when we drive by people's houses at night, I look in their windows if their curtains are open and make up stories about what I think their lives are like.
I also generally assume they are happier than I am based on that, like their lives are simpler and better if their homes and yards are neat & tidy looking.

my home is neat & tidy from the outside, but I don't feel that way about my own family.
I have people who are dear to me that I think I would not choose to love if they weren't related or chosen a long time ago. I find it difficult to stop caring, once I've already bothered to do so. But their homophobia/racism/misogyny/antiquated views get so far under my skin. It bothers me deeply, enough for me to avoid having much contact aside from "how are you?" update phone calls. I feel like a cowardly hypocrite for not calling them on it consistently, like I do with anyone else I come accross. It's not like I've never made my feelings on the matter known, I just feel like a jerk for not saying something every time one of them makes an offensive remark. Not that I never do.
I have become so much more scared of crime and of criminals since the hurricane that I'm afraid some of my own attitudes have changed. I feel like I just want them shot dead and I don't care if they didn't have a daddy or were poor or went to a horrible public school or anything. I have seriously thought about buying a gun.

Ever since the crime has been going back up, I get so excited when I see cops pulling people over, questioning them, handcuffing people...I can't stop watching out my window and I do little dances and make up songs because I'm so delighted. I don't even really care if they didn't do anything...they probably got away with something sometime.

And we have been calling the cops on people trying to sleep in the empty lot next door to us. I sorta feel bad, cuz they need to sleep somewhere, but I don't want it to be next door to me. Some are drunk and loud, but some are just lying down...although, if you are a man sleeping in a lot, you aren't peeing across the street at the gas station, you are peeing right around my house. So, bye.
I see skin colour too. I think it's a way of appreciating/respecting people for who they are and where they come from (their heritage). Race will always be secondary to gender; to acknowledge someone's race is not racist, to acknowledge someone's sex is not sexist.
I make myself see skin colour, because it's an important visible reminder to me that not everyone is experiencing this world with the same privilege that I do, as a white person. I especially notice skin colour when it comes to who is performing what kind of paid job. This habit of mine comes out especially when I travel, where I notice a lot more white people in the desk jobs, and a lot more brown people doing the cleaning.

I tip more to women and to people of colour than I do to white men. I tip the most to women of colour. I don't do it out of "liberal guilt," but out of a need to "get even." I call it "a little wealth re-distribution."

I often wish I didn't know the things I know about people's daily lives and struggles.
Sometimes the Mr. asks me what I think about whilst having sex with him, and I lie and tell him I'm thinking of him (so as not to hurt his feelings) but really I'm either thinking of Henry Rollins or making mental shopping lists. Mostly thinking of Henry Rollins. I don't really like sex and I'm not sure the reason behind the thoughts of Henry Rollins. The shopping list thing is part of my OCD.

I'm scared that I might start cutting again

I wish too much and act too little

I'm seriously thinking about backing out of mandopalooza 'cause I'm scared of not being cool enough

apparently, I still have the emotions of a 13 year old girl too afraid to go to the school dances

I'm afraid I peaked in high school. which would suck. majorly.
I am such a nasty, vindictive bitch when I'm angry.

My sis, my friend Susan and I once TP'd a "friends" house pretty badly because I heard he had called me a bitch. We didn't just TP it though. We mixed up this huge vat of stinky, nasty shit to dump on the lawn. It contained left overs, vinegar, mustard, canned dog food, etc. We wrote in toothpaste on the windsheild of the car in the driveway "They call you yuck mouth, you refuse to brush" (taken from a Too Short rap) and taped a toothbrush to it, because he had pretty fucked up teeth. Yeah and the kicker, we had this weirdo dude from the 'hood take a shit in a paper bag and we lit it on fire on the porch. We never got caught and I don't think he ever knew it was us either. I still feel terrible about it now.
I used to shoplift. Religously, just to feel that high of getting away w/ it. I would add up the price tags and celebrate when I got home.

We told my brother dog food was cereal and he ate more than he should have before my dad caught him.

I have a paranoid personality.
i don't really see colour 'cause i grew up with a rainbow of colour all around. it's no thing to me to get mistaken for about two dozen other nationalities, it happens almost every day and i just say "Hey, Thanks!".

i tip the same across the board, 15% unless you rocked or are someone i love, then you get more.
i figure if you're working for tips you prolly need the money just as much as the next guy. and what a crap-ass job for crap-ass money anyhow. i never liked it much.

as i age i am challenged more and more with the fact that i identify my appearance with my self-worth. i never realized this until my boobs and my ass started travelling south. then i got all wiggy about how i think of me. i try not to deal with it with exercise and trying to regain my former shape, i try to love myself for me, the me i am inside. it doesn't always work though.
if i don't look good i don't feel good.
i check AIM away messages obsessively.

this is cliche, but i don't think/know i won't ever be happy.

i would have blown this career long ago had i not been $100G+ in debt. i think it's the source of 95% of my unhappiness.

my friend gets the shit beat out of her on a regualr basis by her husband. she won't leave, and there's nothing i can do about it.
I'll respond to your PM here, alligator- Thanks for acknowledging the issue and resolving it maturely. I'm glad that no one's feelings were hurt too much and the thread can carry on. I hope you didn't think I considered you a tr**l, you were just verging on acting like one. If I really thought you were one, I wouldn't have even bothered calling you on it.

i hate to tip, and wish it wasn't part of our culture, and yet i feel this disgusting amount of joy every time i hear a 'clink' and see a hand near my tip cup

i can't picture myself with a job. i can't picture myself being old. i can't picture myself being with someone. because of this, i would rather people i love be alone like i think i will end up than be happy and with someone.

i want my dad to stop spending so much money on his stepdaughter and instead mail that money to me on a monthly basis, so i can move out of my house, have a car, and not worry about finding a second job.

i never really know what i want. like, actually never. i guess at what i want to eat, to wear, to do with my hair, and i'm only happy with the result fifty percent of the time
I hate the idea of tipping ever becoming part of my culture, but reading Tyger's post made me want to tip someone - well, to tip Tyger herself, in fact.

I feel quite deeply ashamed of myself for enjoying such a classist, evil violent "sport" as boxing, but I still watch it sometimes and enjoy watching it more than any other sport.
I wish I was wealthy. Yet when I see wealthy people, I get angry with them for having so much money and throwing it around.

I often fantisize (like, every day) about horrible things happening to me. It's what I think about when I go to sleep. Like meeting up with my ex and having him get violent, or being sent to jail for no reason, or people threatening my work with guns. I think about this all the time. I'm thinking about it now.
I loved watching "The Contender" TV show, but wasn't embarrassed about the boxing, I was embarrassed to be enjoying something Sylvester Stallone was part of.

I overtip now to make up for the years I didn't tip because I really couldn't afford to even be eating there (where ever "there" was). I know it's stupid and inadequate because I'm not actually tipping the people I screwed over during those years.

freckle, I know exactly what you mean about race....I think it would be more racist to excuse some nasty old perv for asking if you're a virgin because he's part of a minority.
I am the world's biggest procrastinator.

Actually, I'm just plain lazy.
I can feel other people's energy. It can be very distracting sometimes.

I think that human bengs are going to be the end of themselves.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't know what I want to do for work.

I don't like doing things that don't somehow benefit me.

i obsess over friends who have distanced themselves from me or wronged me. even if it's years and years in the past. even if they might have had a legit reason for going off on me and/or cutting me out of their lives. "just let it go" is not part of my wiring.
Oh cod, the maternal unit sent me an email saying she missed hearing from me on Sunday. Way to go with the guilt trip.
Oh, and... I HATE TIP JARS. I'm sorry, but I do. It's out of control. I'm not going to tip someone who pours me a coffee that I've ordered while standing at a counter. F that noise. I don't care if the "barista" (I didn't know I was in Italy) is working for minimum wage. I'm all for gratuities included in the price of the product, if need be (like they do in France), but I know that will never happen here in the US of A.

98% of the time I make my own coffee at home anyway.
As a former server, in a state where I was paid $2.15, people at Starbucks who are making over min wage, really piss me off. You are taking an order, yelling it, and making it. That is in your job description. Servers, seat you, bring drinks, make recomendations, create atmosphere (the good ones at least) and take their time on you.

there is a HUGE difference. If you want to make tips, become a server, a busser, a bar tender, a cabbie, a hairdresser, etc.
I can do that too, sense someone eles's energy (esp neg or dark), and yes, it's a pain in the butt to pick up on things other people around you are totally oblivious to.

I always run the fan or the water in the bathroom when I pee so no one hears me.
even when I'm home alone.
sometimes i'm scared i'm just like the porter from observatory mansions. moving buttons from jacket to jacket to appear put together and perfect. only having/acknowledging feelings for people when someone else has a chance with them.

i'd take a perverse amount of joy in wearing red eyeshadow to work, because i know it would be work inapropriate.

i eat meat for no reason other than i'm selfish. i was vegetarian for more than a year, and then i just went fuck it, i'm tired of caring about animals/the environment when barely anyone else does
I fucking hate how people at my work are all tight. I feel like I am in high school again. While I get along with everyone, there is a particular group of people who are tight-y
tight-y and I cannot fucking stand it. This is how these people get ahead at work.
I wear makeup to even the most "radical feminist" conferences and meetings, and I'm frequently the only woman there wearing it.

I occasionally pretend I'm not me, when I answer the phone (work or home) and it's someone I don't want to talk to. This doesn't usually work with people I already know, of course...although sometimes I can still pull it off with my fake "high class secretary" voice.

I have a killer singing voice but I'm terrified of singing in front of other people. I get so nervous that I shake, and then my voice shakes.
Background: I was to be laid off in January but it never happened due to an unexpected one-time-only funding source at the NPO I work at.

Confession: I'm unhappy at work and sort of wish had been laid off if only because it would have kicked me in the ass to get a different job.
I pretend I'm not me, or that they have the wrong #, if the person calling can't pronounce either our last name (german), my first name (scandinavian) or both. it's usually both, with the long awkward pause " (dead silence)__may I please speak to________ ah Mrs _________"
my rule of thumb is : if they don't know how to say my/our names, they don't get in to see the wizard. no way. no how.
most affective for dealing w/tellemarketers.
it's my way of foiling blocked caller id #'s.

please note : I am always very polite in these situations bc having been a telemarketer, I know they're only trying to do their jobs & meet quotas.

confession: once as a kid I so hated my weird 1st name that I told everyone to call me by my middle name (Anne) as I had just moved and it was my chance to be "normal."
not only did I never respond when people called me that, after I gave up & went thru the whole explanation of how to say my actual name, people only thought I was that much weirder.
I think that one of my profs was harder on marking me because I'm a feminist. I have no proof, just an inkling, and a lousy C mixed in with my B+ and A's.

I'm afraid I won't be able to get my GPA up high enough to get into a good master's program because I royally fucked up my first year.

I get mad at my older brother who repeatedly fucks up and gets a 'get out of jail free' card. He and his girlfriend got pregnant and got married when he was 20, and lives in a beautiful house despite having a crappy job. But what I'm really angry about is he dropped out of university in the second month because his girlfriend was pregnant and ended up with a 0.0 GPA. He went back this year and they cleared his record. I get a lot of free rides too, but I feel like I'm more thankful for them. The university thing really pisses me off.

doodle, I have a killer singing voice too and I also get terrified singing in front of people. If my friends ask me to I put on a stupid voice and pretend to be goofy but really I'm just afraid. I'm trying so hard to overcome it though because I love to sing.
freckle, oh my! we share the same name issues!

i have an unusual first and last name, and spent a lot of time explaining it and pronouncing it to various people. i used to dream of marrying some guy whose last name was "Smith" or "Jones".

funny thing is, now people tend to compliment my name, and i wouldn't change it for the world.

ETA: lately, i have been feeling i am just not that cool.

there will always be younger, better looking, hipper, more successful people doing better and more interesting things than me.

i have a hard time dealing with that.
Same here, MP and FF, on both the unusual name (used to want to change it; now I know I'm never going to change it and I'm happy with it) and being uncool. Let's be uncool and have unpronouncable names together.
i was like that about singing. my voice was a closely guarded secret, but then i got outed at a senior's dinner when one of the singers got sick. i sing in a little choir now, and it's great because i get to sing but not be the only one in the spotlight.

i collect the fortunes people leave behind at the restaurant where i work
sometimes i just like to hurt people. not physically, emotionally. and i am far too good at finding sore spots and breaking points
I am way in over my head emotionally & stressed to the max.
I hate my friends in my hometown and wish they were cooler.

I'm leaving home this summer because i think I have a better chance finding someone while i hang out with my gay boyfriend.

I'm scared to drive six hours tomorrow because i don't have an ipod or cd player with me

I feel like i'll be alone forever drinking carlo rossi out of jugs and listening to old liz phair.
I do dream of marring some guy whose last name is "Jones" (my boyfriend).

I have repetitive strain injury from pressing the snooze button on my alarm clock, when I should have been awake and doing uni work.
misspissed, the mr & I were just saying that the last time we went out to dinner & they botched our last name so badly even WE couldn't be sure it was us they were calling, and he actually said " you know, maybe next time we ought to just say Jones?" I cracked up!

I was not enough of a feminist (before marriage) to keep my unmarried name, which I like infinitely better bc it is both easier and Irish.

in the 6th grade, the new girl in class & I bonded bc we both had equally strange names. nothing else much in common beyond that, but hey- at 12? it's enough!

ironically enough, my name is now somewhat mainstream, though most people use a different pronunciation than mine so to me, it's still wrong and I automatically correct them and probably come across as horribly Rude.
I am still trying to fit in. I wear different clothes and listen to different music and change who I am as often as change my underwear.

Now I don't know who the true me is.
In regards to the decision to have children, I hear people say all the time that if they had it to do over, they wouldn't do anything different. I have children and I do love them but if I had it to do over.... I wouldn't have children at all. I feel bad about this, like it seems as though I don't love my children. I do, but if I could change things, I would have never had children. People say, think about what you would have missed out on..... well, if I had never had children, HOW would I know what I'm "missing out on" without them? What I'm missing out on NOW is freedom to come and go as I please, the ability to travel the world with NO strings attached, no one else to worry about but myself, the ability to go back to school with no issues like childcare holding me back....
This all sounds really selfish but, I did chose to have my children and I have done everything to give them the best life I can and if wondering what it would be like without them is the worst thing I do, then I guess I'm doing ok.... still makes me feel a little guilty tho, like I'm a bad mom...
i do not suffer fools gladly. and my definition of 'fools' keeps getting broader and more sweeping by the day.
*Spurred by miss_jane* I am excellent at pattern recognition- I can pick up what people do and don't like so damned quickly. I have a new boyfriend, and I've turned myself into the person he wants me to be. I'm afraid that if I always showed the real me, I would never date or have friends again.
my boyfriend casually proposed the other day and I said, "maybe later," simply because nothing in my life has been normal and I would like one, just one milestone to be fantastic. I want the down on one knee, I want the full name, the nervousness, all of it. Because I'm sick of being wierd.
I suspect two of my flatmates talk about me behind my back. It hacks me off, but I talk about one of them behind her back. I don't like her; she was the real reason I didn't want to do the whole "let's move in together" thing with our flat.

Part of me wants my inexperienced male flatmate to fancy me. I'd like the attention and I would lead him on. And on. The rest of the time I would just be irritated by him.

If I ever get married, I want my mother's friend to give me away, not my father.

I cannot change a plug. I had to get a (male) friend to change a fuse.
i say that i'm not sure if i want children and in a way that's true: i'm ambivalent about the sacrifices involved, and i really don't know how i would manage being a mother and having the career and life i want.

but at the same time, i want children on a deep, almost physical level and that scares the hell out of me. it scares me because i have this irrational fear that i will never be able to have children either because i'm infertile or won't meet the right person.

it scares me to want something so much but feel like i have no control over whether or not it actually happens. and i tell myself that even if i couldn't bear children, i could still adopt, but i'm selfish and i want my own.
oh and like tyger, i am really, frighteningly, good at figuring out what people's button's are and sometimes enjoy pushing them. it's not so much that i enjoy hurting people, but i just find it fascinating and sometimes i just can't help myself.

and this ties into my ambivalence about motherhood: i fear that i would be a horribly manipulative mother because of this.
voodoo_princess - if it makes you feel any better, i don't have kids and yet still cannot do the things you'd have the ability to do without yours.

sure i can 'come and go as i please', but, um, go where? for a walk in the neighborhood? i could probably still do that with kids. out to a bar for a quick drink? i guess it's easier not having to arrange a sitter, but all in all i go out drinking so infrequently that it's probably not all that different.

i can theoretically 'travel the world'. except that i'm broke. so i can't. i've always been broke and i'll probably always be broke. and when i'm not broke, i'm working. not many people in this world really do have free reign to travel unless they are independently wealthy. and those people can probably get a nanny or someone to watch their kids while they jet set around. also, outside of the airfare and needing extra room in hotels and such, plenty of people travel with their children. my parents brought me all over the country when i was young. and i had three brothers and none of us were particularly well behaved.

i can't really go back to school, either. again with the money thing, and the working thing. i might take a night class next fall, but then again i probably won't. and having kids or not probably wouldn't change my abilities there, other than making me even more broke. again, one could get a sitter of some sort, or look into childcare facilities in the school. my undergrad college had a very highly regarded nursery school attached that could put one's children on the fast track to the whole new york overachiever madness, and the children of students and faculty were priorities. broke and childless, broke and childful, seems to make no difference to me.

i'm not saying you 'shouldn't' feel the way that you do, but i guess i am saying that the grass is greener and it's possible that what you see as obstacles caused by your kids could still be obstacles even without them. this is off topic, i know. sorry.

my confession? the constant urge to go OT in this thread...

also, i eat McDonald's, and I love it.
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