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anna k
If I trusted the guy enough, I would do slight choking too, with thumbs on the throat and giving up control and being released. Problem is that i dont' trust any guy enough to have that kind of sex, and am not attracted enough to anyone to give myself completely to them.

I am a closet sexual deviant with no one to be deviant with.
definitely nothing wrong with a little deviance in sexual adventures!

ggg....psst....LUSH's "T for Toes" takes away even the most rank of foot me, I never let turbomann take off his shoes in the living room, and after just a week of using TfT, his stank-ass-skunky feet are gone forever and smellin' sweet. check it out.

confession: I'm all out of my homeade nutella. boo.
My boyfriend and I are planning on having 2 threesomes: one with a girl and one with a boy. We've always talked about it, mostly to titillate each other, but it seems like the ball is actually rolling now and we're probably going to do it. I know it's not the best idea to have one as part of a couple but I'm kind of excited to have sex with 2 boys!
every time i get drunk, the next morning i feel guilty and i don't know why, regardless if i did something "bad" per se.

i don't like having people over to my place because it feels a little too invasive. i'd rather go to someone else's; that way i can leave when i want.
I have not had a real guest in two years. I don't like having my space invaded. I am cleaning like a demon today & have found all kinds of scary stuff.
I have managed to put myself in quite a mood today and I get out of it. When I should be relaxing I'm listening to depressing songs over and over.

Sometimes I wish things didn't make me so mad.

I am kind of lonely.
I whine waaaaaay too much. Not about emotional stuff, just physical. It annoys even me.
I confess that part of the reason I agreed to go to a political function this evening is because I'm broke, and there will be desserts there.

I confess that if I didn't know there would be long-term health repercussions, I could probably live on desserts and cheese and fruit and French baguettes.

I confess that I prefer having people over instead of visiting them, because I like to be in control of my environment. And also because it makes my boycat happy, believing they've come to visit him.

I confess that, minutes ago, I gave an interview to the local newspaper, and I have no idea what I said.

I confess that I've learned to speak to the press in sound bites and "money quotes." *sigh*

I confess that I really want my life back.
This is a really dark, difficult secret, and after a lot of thought, I decided I should really get it out.

I kinda think Michael Bolton is a little attractive now that his hair is short.

I don't think I've ever heard one of his songs, in fact I've probably gone great lengths to avoid ever hearing his music (if you can call it that).

Please don't judge me, I've bared my soul.


I would like to enter 'X-Factor', and secretly believe I would get through the first few stages.
I am also a sexual deviant, having sex with two men at the same time was lovely, I would do it again, outside the confines of a relationship.

I think that the local tr*ll is a fuckhead, but ever since the ignore function I can ignore what he says, and I love it. What I also find so highly amusing, is the fact that he keeps on spewing out crap, and he is talking to himself. Its pretty funny, and I derive great pleasure from it.

I have given three men the royal brush off lately, just ignoring phone calls, and not returning e-mails, text msgs, or phone calls. I feel bad about saying I'm not interested. But I still have major issues with what my ex put my through. I am over him, but not quite over the crap that went on.
While I love the ignore function, I really wish one of the local bridgefolk would just go away and do something useful for a change. I know that will never happen, though, so the next best thing to do is to ignore it. I think that has to be one of the greatest things to happen to the lounge.

Today I really lost my temper and I cried this morning, the fourth time in as many days. The last time I was like this was before I went on antidepressants and I have recently gone off them (it was mutual decision between my psychiatrist and I since I really wasn't responding to them, I was doing better and I don't really care to be on them in the first place.). Right now I'm wondering if I did the right thing.

Living off of baguettes, cheese, fruit and desserts sounds perfectly lovely to me and a little too close to my diet right now.

I'd like to have sex with two men at the same time, and with the guy I'm with right now it would have to happen outside of our relationship. Most of the time I think monogamy is overrated, but I know I would have problems with either myself seeing someone else or AZ Guy seeing someone else while both of us were still together.

I confess that marijuana is better at treating my fibromyalgia than any of the pharmaceutical drugs they have given me to date. Plus, my body doesn't "acclimate" to it so that it stops working, as happens with every painkiller I've ever taken.

I confess that I haven't used marijauna for the last three months, the pain has started coming back full force, and the painkillers stopped working altogether about six weeks ago.

I confess that my next "shipment" is on it's way.

There. I said it. I'm a flag-waving medical marijuana supporter.
QUOTE(doodlebug @ Oct 13 2006, 01:09 AM) *

I confess that marijuana is better at treating my fibromyalgia than any of the pharmaceutical drugs they have given me to date. Plus, my body doesn't "acclimate" to it so that it stops working, as happens with every painkiller I've ever taken.

I confess that I haven't used marijauna for the last three months, the pain has started coming back full force, and the painkillers stopped working altogether about six weeks ago.

I confess that my next "shipment" is on it's way.

There. I said it. I'm a flag-waving medical marijuana supporter.

I'm right with you doodlebug.

I do Not understand why something so natural is seen as so evil when used medicinally? where do the stupid lawmakers think modern day pharmacuticals derive from anyway? isn't the answer in the 1st 1/2 of that word, the pharm part?

when the legislation comes around, I will be a sign carrying, letter-writing supporter of it.

I hope your shipment arrives soon and you are feeling better soon.
I confess:

I don't actually enjoy writing. I enjoy having written, and I super-enjoy being published. But the writing part kind of blows.

I was hoping more of my exes would be at my high school reunion, even though they all hate me because of what I wrote about them in my book.

Sometimes I want to sign up on these boards under another name, one that doesn't link so easily to my real identity, but I'm too much of an egomaniac to let some fake person take credit for my posts.
"But I still have major issues with what my ex put my through. I am over him, but not quite over the crap that went on."

That is an awesome statement culturehandy! I so identify with that! I am really totally and completely over my ex, but still pissed as hell about the shit that went on and it continues to bother me.
I too think that the medical use of marijuana should be legal. It's (probably) less dangerous than some of the drugs prescribed willy-nilly anyway. Hope you feel better soon Doodle.

I spend about a third of my food budget on desserts and cheese. Expensive ice-cream, expensive chocolate and expensive cheese that I can't afford to eat every damn day.

I lied to the doctor today.

I am going to spend the evening lying on the sofa eating sweet things and reading.

I feel faintly apathetic about going back into first year. I am not looking forward to feeling old.

I think marijuana should be legal, period.

I am all about not being down with forcing low-income tenants out and the gentrification occurring all over brooklyn, but I also love love love LOVE my new, beautiful, clean, quiet neighborhood, and feel totally guilty for living there. I think I'll get over it, which is also problematic.

I'm being so lazy and unproductive lately, my diet is awful, I haven't gotten any exercise in MONTHS, I've gained weight, I feel shitty, yet I am really having a difficult time finding motivation. I hate being depressed. I hope that the new neighborhood motivates me; I was really inspired to go running this afternoon, while walking around. It's so chill and the sidewalks are clear enough to run on! I didn't, 'cause we haven't actually moved yet, but once we do, I'm going to start again. I gotta.

I am afraid of balloons. So much so that I have run out of shops and places that have balloons. I avoid children who are carrying balloons. I have to email hosts of parties to make sure that there won't be any balloon otherwise I can't go to the party.

I fake a latex allergy at work so that I can use the nitrile gloves because latex gloves are too much like balloons.

I love sex but my partner insists on condoms (a few friends have had accidental pregnacies and even though I'm on the pill he will not not use one) and condoms remind me of balloons and I find it tough to have sex because of that.

But I can handle latex swim caps.

I blame my friends for making it worse in the last few years that it's come to light because they would terrorize me with balloons by chasing me with them and laughing at my terror.

I love my partner for accepting all this and being patient when I am uncomfortable and for putting himself between me and the balloons and for steering me away from them when I don't see them and for following me out of countless shops and places when there are balloons.

(((runningwestward))) i suffer from arachnophobia, and although it's not as debilitating as your phobia, i can feel your pain. seems like every fucking store i walk into right now has a hugeass furry fake t*r*ntul* lurking where i least expect it. and even friends can be pretty heartless and cruel with the teasing.

i miss posting in this thread. but ever since the 9/11 ... debacle ... i'm just not comfortable spilling anymore. and not just because crazy strangers might be reading. it makes me beyond sad and - a little petrified - to even think i might not adore the lounge as much as i used to anymore.
(((mando))) don't let the bastids get you down. or the spiders (does it help that mandoo -your namesake- eats them?)

I think egg nog is a vile creation.

I am excited by the prospect of "the red cups are coming" in starbucks, this makes me pathetic and a hallmark/capitalism buyer-in I know.

eta: I did something dishonest today -didn't hurt anyone/thing- but feeling bad unsure.gif .
Confession: I am in charge today at work....and we have done absolutely nothing!
Feh. Sometimes I can't decide if I'm seriously letting myself down all the time or if I'm just not giving myself a break often enough.

I confess I'm part overachiever, part procrastinator.

All I wanted to do today was knit and bake muffins and read books.

I love my work, but it's so draining. The steep learning curve still gives me vertigo. I suck with making plans for after work. I feel like I never take enough advantage of living in the city. I'd rather come home and putter around, trying to decompress.

And I seriously need to make more friends in my neck of the woods, because keeping in touch with everyone all around the planet just makes my head spin. The voice of a good friend on the phone isn't the same as that same friend coming over to watch Desperately Seeking Susan for the hundreth time. I feel torn, because old friends can't be replaced. Ugh.

I still think we should revive the idea of a Bust commune. I'd be the resident muffin maker and sock knitter.
I'll sew everyone's clothes and bake the non-wheat, non-dairy, non-egg muffins wink.gif
I'm bored.
Except for being stuck in mandatory meetings at work and such, I can't remember the last time I've been bored. It kind of scares me.

(Can I just remind people that natural does not equal safe? I'm not commenting specifically about medical marijuana, but just wanted to say that this as a general point. Lots of things in nature are incredibly toxic, even deadly.)
I will gladly make rag rugs for the commune floors on a loom.

I miss weaving.

I confess I am still extremely confused as to what I want to Offically DO when I grow up, and I am almost 36.
I am terrified of committing and making another mistake and changing my mind.
"I am terrified of committing and making another mistake and changing my mind."

oh freckleface i totally feel your pain.

my secret: i've held myself back in life because enough people/messages/images have told me there's something wrong with me that i've believed them.
A friend told me she was moving to town and the first thing I thought was how now I'd have even more competition. dry.gif
I confess:

I've done not enough today

Monogamy IS overrated--so is marriage, but it's often pretty good anyway

I love writing in exactly the same way Girlbomb loves writing (complete with the hatred of writing) and wish I could do it for a living far more often

I think Oriana Fallaci was very curious and fearless intellectually, but ultimately too biased to nurture that curiousity and intellect so I think that she came off looking tyrannical in the end

I'm afraid I'll never figure out what to be when I grow up and I'm approaching senility already (I've already started to lose my nouns); or, alternately, that my head is spinning because I'm doing a bunch of what amounts to what I feel is nothing

And, even though I want to see marijuana legalized and available wherever it needs to be I still know it's a dangerous substance after all.
I confess:

I still don't really have any more of an idea who Oriana Fallaci was and keep thinking I should change my tag line so I'm not a hypocrit, but it's just so damn much me I can't quite make myself do it.

I confess:
I sent my sister a pretty caustic email this afternoon, telling her I'd be glad to do a favor for her, but on the condition she never again critisize my & our choice of lifestyle in the military as she's been so vehemently & occassionally unpleasantly outspoken against it. 14 years is enough of her spew against something we embrace. I was a little harsher than maybe I needed to be, and in that sense am a touch regretful, but secretly, really, not so much.
I confess I am trully sick and tired of being "the nice one" between she & I.

I especially confess that while I don't ever smoke/am not a smoker, I still keep a few ancient packs stashed away and have the urge right now, even tho I'm not stressed for a change, to take one out & puff a little just to let the ash burn and hang off so I can tap it off. and I'd so totally smoke pot if I had access to it, altho, probably not if it were still illegal.
I confess:
I'm SO READY to tell my dad aobut how much of a slut my (newly) pregnant sister is, but I'm holding myself back from getting into a fight with him cause my bday is on monday and I want to receive a gift from him tongue.gif
But after that he's gonna get the whoooooole deal mad.gif
I think I'm ready to share my dishonest thing from earlier in the week:

I bought my friend a book journal for Christmas; it came with a really cute bookmark that I wanted and I thought "well if I took it out before giving it to her, she would be none the wiser" but couldn't do that to her so instead, I slipped another book mark into the journal before buying it ohmy.gif . I'm going to burn in hell, aren't I? I'm a bad, bad person, even a gasp shoplifter.
I know what you mean, Freckle...and I used to think Oriana F. was like a beacon, just because she was committed to finding out what she wanted to know despite all obstacles. But that last book she wrote: well, on my last post, I said she came off sounding like a tyrant, but originally I wrote she came off looking a lot like Hitler. Her last book did read a little bit like a xenophobic tirade against Muslims and all people who call themselves Arab. Ah, Italian racism at its best; particularly when part of my own Italian ancestry was heavily influenced by Arab culture and it truly pisses me off when people who share it vociferously deny that fact, like it's something to be ashamed of.

So, yeah, I get what she says about "objectivity" and using your own senses to know truth, but if you can actually expand what you experience with empathy so you can view the world from someone else's perspective, well, that's just so much more that the limited amount you can contain within the range of your own skin.

I confess it bugs me that this is how she ended her life's work. I try to keep in mind that she was suffering from cancer at the time of her death, and that disease does do a number on your intellect and emotions, that's for sure.
I Confess:

that I am seriously thinking about sending this article to my mother in law bc I am so damn MAD that they still let the mr's grandmother drive a car. (she & I just had this talk 2 days ago)
she was a Horrible driver when I first met the family a decade and a half ago, and now can no longer see or hear well. I don't give a damn if she hurts or kills herself, it's that she'd take others out with her.
stupid fucking selfish jerks. don't want to be more inconvienced by her.

I confess:
as callous as it sounds and gosh knows I will probably feel differently later on, but I've long told my frecklette that when I am old like that, and unproductive or useful to society, to put me in a Home.
it doesn't have to be fancy, just one that keeps me clean and fed, and then go on and live her own life.
it's such a waste, a Selfish waste to me, to use the last decades of your life sitting around doing nothing but feeling sorry for yourself and making others feel guilty. for that she ought to just go ahead and, I'm going to say it so don't be shocked, die.

confession: I'm not sorry for saying that bc it's how I honestly feel.
Chacha! Once again I adore you.

Because, if it weren't for the arabs, we would not have mathematics and medicine today.

They kept it going when Europe was so medieval and christianity disdained medicine in particular.

And in the year 1000, Europe wasn't even using the numerals we use today.

I have met many middle-eastern, muslim people that are very feminist, progressive and modern, many female professionals, engineers and the like, who unfortunately had to flee their homeland because of fundamentalists, and even the men can be progressive on all issues including women's issues, counter to stereotype.

We wouldn't want to all be seen as being exactly the same as Jimmy Falwell, just because we look like him and come from HIS country!
oh freckle, i hear you girl. i'll take the home at the end if i'm incapable of caring for myself and too much of a bother but dang it all, i ain't taking no pills man. prolong my life for what? and it all gets peed out into the water table so kids can drink it and grow tumours. at that point, just put me out of my mysery already...
I would never put my parents in a home or ask anyone to put me in one. I watched my grandma waste away for 6 years until she died in August and it broke my heart every time I go to visit her.

1. Everytime I walk by the centre my grandma lived at (which is everyday) i either cry or almost cry thinking of how I should have visited her more. I miss her so much and for some reason it's really been on my mind this week. I want to hold her and tell her I love her again. I still can't believe she's really gone.

2. I don't tell my friends how depressed I actually am because I think they'll think that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. In august when my grandma was dying, my sisterinlaw was drinking again and i was having a horrible time dealing with my rape my best friend and I got in a fight and she told me that i had to stop "over-dramatizing" everything. I will never forgive her for saying that to me at a time in my life where I truly felt alone and severely depressed. That is the main reason I don't want to tell anyone how I'm feeling right now. I haven't been able to talk about my problems earnestly since I was raped three years ago and I feel like it's too late now.

(Sorry, this was more of a downer post than intended. It's been a downer week though.)

I have a hard time with my grandma, too- she's still alive, but she's lived 600 miles away my whole life. I used to see her 1-2 x a year when I was a kid and we'd take vacations down there, but since I got older, had real jobs etc., I only see her every couple of years when I can take time off to go down there. I'm much closer to my dad's family, especially his parents, who all live around here. But I hear how much my cousin, who lives even farther away from her than I do, calls her, like weekly, just to talk....I feel like I wouldn't know what to talk to her about on the phone, so I just don't call. Today's her birthday. She sends me a card every year, always has, and I haven't sent one to her since I was little (I do send Xmas cards, and I did send her a Mother's Day card this year, though.) I wasn't even sure what day her birthday was....guilt, guilt, guilt....I was going to ask my mom earlier this month, then didn't, got sucked up in work, and I found out it's today. I feel so bad. I'm going to send her a belated card though. She's a nice lady and I get along with her in person, but I just can't make a connection with her via phone or whatever. Anyway, I told my mom to tell her I said Happy Birthday when she talks to her. unsure.gif I know she understands and knows that I love her, but I feel guilty....I'll send her some pictures of the mountains here in Utah (where I'm on a business trip) and she'll understand why my card was excuse for the last 15 years of birthdays???? Um.....
my nana is quite ill just now and I feel bad cos she's in Ireland and I don't visit (until 2 years ago she lived literally around the corner and I saw her practically every day). She's visiting here in a couple of weeks though. I've spoken to her on the phone but at her instigation whereas my ten year old sister speaks to her everyday. I feel that we can't connect either, I don't know what to talk about but I feel guilty. I received a congratulations card in the post from her this morning for obtaining my master's degree which was very sweet of her. I need to make more of an effort, she's 72 y/o and I know that she won't be around much longer.
((bunny, too)) Sorry she's sick. My grandma's 82, I think.
anna k
I love that a friend of mine physically compared me to Angelina Jolie and Rosario Dawson, meaning that I'm thin all over but have big boobs. It's shallow, but I liked hearing it.
why do we apologize for feeling bad? i know i've done it, i know i've felt like a burden when i really needed to talk about stuff. is it because society tells us that it's not ok to feel upset?

erinjane: dont apologize, we are all human, we all have emotions... some people just experience more extreme circumstances that have a lasting affect on their overall well being. it helps to be in touch with how you feel- putting it off because you dont want to burden others with your concerns, only prolongs the pain. i'm sorry some of your friends can have a tendency of not being supportive. i know how isolating that must feel. i'm sure you know you've got love here whenever you need to vent, so dont feel bad about it. smile.gif
Oh ((((((Erinjane)))))). It is never too late to talk about what you need to express, in fact it's absolutely necessary for you to do this, especially if being silent about it only compounds sadness.

Wombat! I've missed you, girly. I will pull out all my teeth with a corkscrew before I ever think about North America or even the USA being "Jerry Falwell's country". Sheesh.

Have you ever read that book Reading Lolita in Tehran? Amazing look at women (and their families) forced to live in a theocracy. Like an autobiographical version of The Handmaid's Tale, which I believe is the North American woman's (fictionalized, but, really, only for show) account of living in a theocracy we don't want to admit exists.
Why, thank you, chacha! And I will check out that book! Right now I'm sitting in a library because I need to reconfig my new computer to my new phone # in my new house!

So -- I mean "check that out" literally!! Ha ha!

BunnyB -- and others -- well, I feel the same way, because we went to my boyfriend's Dad's nursing home yesterday with some great fall flowers. I feel bad we don't visit more often, so does the boy. His dad's a tough old mix of Passamaquoddy and German. He was living alone and doing all his own stuff till about two years ago when he fell on the ice and got braindamaged. He's still got all his hair and teeth and is a real sweetie. He's getting pretty demented, but we just sat together on the screened porch and watched the sky change and looked at the orange and bright green autumn leaves and the birds.

We picked the place for him because the people were nice and the views and nature -- we knew he would like them. He would have needed 24 hour supervision and a trained nurse for care -- just no way we could do it.

It's sad to see the person that way, it's not the nursing home, it would be just as sad if he or she were sitting on your couch.

In 'dads' case, I think he wlll be happy to go when it is his time.

EJ, I second people who tell you not to let people shame your negative emotions and the process you need to go though. Unfortunately, people do that all the time, even here on the Bust board. You're not sick or mean to have negative emotions, they are an APPROPRIATE and NECESSARY response to negative events.
This is a big one for me but sometimes I worry that my youger step-sister is going to grow up to become someone I will not like or have a lot of respect for. I feel that if she was not my step-sister, I would think she was an idiot. She cannot spell, and it seems to be a choice with her. For example, when she emails me, she spells "girl" as "gurl" and cannot put together a coherent sentence. Now I am not the best speller, but even at 15 I could express myself somewhat articulately. I don't know how to share these concerns with her without making her feel bad. I already get the impression that she wants boys in her life b/c they can buy her things and all of her boyfriends are these scrawny, greasey-haired, chin pube sprouting hicks that do nothing but remind me why I never dated in high school.
Is it me? Is it her? How can I help her from becoming just another casualty of the pretty-girl mentality that some man will take care of her? All she talks about is Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie and bling. She hates to read and has nothing that really intrests her other than boys.

Have I just gotten old and is that what 15 is supposed to be about? I know that I was a basket case at 15. I was a geek and was not pretty so my experience has been very different than hers (she is gorgeous.) However, I just want her to stop being such an...airhead.

I feel like a bad step-sister that I think all of these things about her but it scares me what she will become. A good portion of my strength of character is from the books that I read. I had influences like Laura Ingells Wilder and all of Judy Blume characters. With her, if it's not happening on Hanna Montana or That's So Raven (both good shows, I admit) I don't think she notices it. And her mother is a good mother but she is also uneducated and does not seem to care about the things that she does not know. I just don't understand. unsure.gif
anna k
My sister is 25 and reminds me of the women who worked with us when we worked as summer aides at a special-ed school. These women were overweight and middle-aged and crabby and obnoxious to listen to. My sister may become that someday. She's quick to judge people, has become very overweight in the past couple of years, doesn't read much and isn't aware of world events outside of reading People magazine or watching The Daily Show, and can act like a complete jackass. She graduated with honors, yet didn't do anything with her life, just lounging around my parents' home for three years getting fat and lazy and pissing her life away. She only moved out now because my parents moved away, yet she had a year to find a new place and didn't do it until a month before they moved. Her life is better now with her own place and a steady job, but I still think she's a pain in the ass who could grow up to become a bitter old hag.

My sister also doesn't read much apart from buying Star magazine, especially if it features something about weight loss on the cover. She can be so vacous and stupid, and say nasty stuff about people who are "fat hicks," yet if she didn't have my parents' financial support she wouldn't be any different. She curses a lot, and it sounds lazy and immature coming out of her. I'm two years younger, yet feel like more of an adult because I managed my own life's direction while she just let it sail by.

We hung out this weekend, and I tolerate her, but can't stand how judgemental and immature she can be. She calls any woman who does something snide a bitch immediately, like "Ew, what a bitch!" She makes "ew" faces to me when we pass homeless or dirty-looking people, is impatient and prone to whining, and can just be a whiny bitch herself.

kitten, when I was 15 I was a geek who read a lot, didn't have any friends, didn't have any chance of dating guys, and lived like I was in a cocoon. Sometimes I wish I was a happier teen, dating boys and being cute and well-liked, but I wasn't. My life is much better at 23 than it was at 15.
You're right, anna_k. I am being hard on her. I try so hard to hide my concerns from her. The last thing I want is for her to figure any of this out. I am happy that she has more of a social life than I did at that age and I know there is some weird jelousy on my part. I do love her very much and I just want the best for her. Maybe I need to stop assuming that I know what that is.
((kittenb)) ((annak))

Erin Jane, I understand about your depression. It seems one of the only people that I can talk to about it is my therapist. For instance, today I had the whole house to myself (a rarity), and I just cryed for about 2-3 hours. I then realized that this was the first time I had been by myself in over 3
weeks maybe more (with all my health issues lately). It was healing, if that makes any sense.

((bunnyb)) I really miss my grandmother (on my mom's side). She always gave awesome advice on everything.

Confession: I ate half a pint of Haagan Daas ice cream today, and I have not been out of my pjs all day, and it 7:11 pm as of right now. And I don't really care about getting out of them until tomorrow...

Confession: Even though this freaking scary house has NO heat right now, my room is my own space. And that's awesome. smile.gif

thanks for the hugs.

I was in my pjs all weekend and today I smelled. A shower felt oh so good, but that was only because I was going out; I coulda happily stayed in the pyjamas albeit minus the body odour. eugh.

I forgot how to spell "could". That may have been due to inebriation.
(((Awesome Busties)))
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