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I slept with a stuffed animal until I was 19 too. It was a cow I got when I was six, and it's in my closet. If I could get away with it, I would probably still sleep with it.

Buttons remind me of my grandma, who had several jars of them in her house. I used to play with them and still wonder what happened to them.

If I could get away with it, I would drink a lot more too.

I want to try cocaine and a host of other drugs.

...and that's enough for me today.
I will always resent my partner's parents for trying to convince him that I wasn't good enough for him because I didn't answer the question of whether I wanted a cup of tea in a chripy voice like his brothers ex. Also because when I was unemployed for six months and completely depressed, they tried to make him think I was a bad person because I hadn't cleaned the house - even though we lived with three other men.

I stupidly felt like a piece of crap for a very long time. Although I like to believe that fogiveness can set you free, I cannot forgive these people. It's so bad that I'm not sure I want to get married anymore as I do not want these people at the wedding. The same goes for his brother.
missladyj, ditto on the dark bathrooms. Any room actually. Usually if the light isn't near the door, I just don't go in, even if I really need to. Even opening the door on a dark room really freaks me out.
I had a similar fear, but about having children. I was scared I would hurt one.
my own childhood was so messed up from having an abusive & crazy older brother that there are sections of it I only have flashbacks of,, scary holy fuck flashbacks.
I had a kid anyway.
I worry sometimes when I get super emotional that I am going crazy like him too, like the blood in our family is just cursed.
makes me think of running away from my girl & the mr to save them the agony of watching me go nuts.

I resent that my mom favors my crazy brother.
she's made it very clear that 'the one who needs a mother most will always be her favorite.' and in the same breath then exalts my "stability"as justification? only makes me feel that even if I ever did need her, I'd be s-o-l so I no longer confide in her anything but the mundane. she doesn't realise or doesn't care.
but bc I am so "stable" I have to pretend it's ok so I don't seem ridiculous and petty.
Windows without some kind of covering (blinds, shades, whatever) at night freak me out.

When I was little I had a couple of nightmares about scary things outside of windows- Jason (which is funny because I never saw those movies, or the Freddy movies, either.), a abominable snowman (how did I know what that was at 4-years-old??) so now I'm still freaked out by it. When I stayed at my boyfriend's aunt's house a couple of weeks ago, her back door had no covering on the window and it was at the bottom of the stairs, so I couldn't avoid it. I made him get me a glass of water because I could't make myself go near it.
When I was 20, I decided to cut my ties with all my friends. I still read their Livejournals/MySpaces and some times I type their names in ZabaSearch just so I know exactly where they live and what their phone number is. I also use Windows Live Local to look at where they live up close (if they are in a town that has that capability). Hmm, sounds a little stalkerish but I view it something casual that I only do once and a while when I'm bored and is slowly fading away. I also miss a friend I've had since 1st grade. I really miss her and wish I could tell her that I'm not a flake and I was just going through some stuff and can we be friends again? I haven't had a friend since I've done this and I'm 24 now. I would like to be able to see some friends I used to know but I just can't.

I also look up people who make new threads whose name I've never heard of. Why does everyone who does that and/or trolls leave their name or email in their profile?

I've done that to sallyglass aka Liberation Iannillo which I got a kick out of. Now I'm doing that to Azrael717 who also left their supposed full name and email address. I'm off to ZabaSearch!
I have two jars full of buttons, and I used to have a beaded door curtain that I made of buttons. I have never heard of that phobia.

I used to sleep with a butcher knife under my pillow when I was 12 & 13 because I lived alone with my Dad, and he worked nights sometimes. To make matters worse, my room was in the basement, next to the furnace room, the creepiest room ever- the cold cement floor, the woodpile, the noisy furnace, my Dad's tools, our meat freezer. I seemed to think that if anyone came into my room I'd just slip my hand under my pillow and kill them. I'm so lucky I never got hurt.

I can't smoke pot because I'm too much of a basketcase, and it makes me go into all the dark places in my head that I ignore otherwise. I love alcohol because it's kind of the opposite.
Part of me wants to start writing to my college friends, but a larger part of me just KNOWS they all have fulfilling interesting lives and want nothing to do with me.

I wish I hadn't dropped out of college the first time.

I wish I could stop thinking about all my failures.
Gingerkitty, I did something similar in high school.

My first bf ever broke my heart, so I went on a date with the school lothario, carefully made sure everyone heard about it, and got the word out that I intended to sleep with him for my first time.

Lothario and I had a lovely time but didn't sleep together (I remained a virgin for another 8 months) but apparently ex-bf heard the rumour and was indeed jealous. Success.
I used to sleep around. I always used protection and (except for the single scary passed-out scenario I posted earlier) believe to this day it did me the world of good.
I had an alterior motive for getting my nipple pierced. I did it mainly because I wanted to, but the absolute decision was done because a man I want to fuck likes piercings.


I still sleep with a bear. And I'm not ashamed of it.

A hairy gay man, or an actual bear?
I still sleep with a bear. My bear from when I was a baby was stolen (she was in my bag) when I was visiting my dad. I cried for hours. I still miss her - and I occasionaly have to apologise to my new bear - yes, my mother bought me a new bear - for calling him by Snowy. I still miss Snowy.

I would like to be able to sleep around. but I fear I'm too fucked-up and emotionally fragile to do it.

I'm going to become addicted to purging in this thread
Sometimes I hate, hate, hate my husband. And yet for some reason I really don't expect us to ever be divorced. I believe deeply in that "thin line between love and hate."

I read a coworker's email who I thought was my friend and found horrible stuff about me. I was never able to say anything because it would have made ME look bad. Hmph. I also believe deeply in "If you snoop you'll find what you're worried about."

Today I ate a donut off the trash on the floor in my classroom. :D
Miss LadyJ, who doesn't pick their nose in the car? I pick mine everywhere and I'm sure I have absentmindedly picked it in front of my high school students. tehe. Speaking as the person who started the peeing-in-the-shower bandwagon, I'd have to insist you let yourself off the hook on that one.

Doodle, for some reason I keep wanting to respond to all your posts...:D Everyone has some weird thing that makes their brain snap I think. I have a perfectly normal friend that can't look at things that "jut" out, like bookcases. I freak out when people file their nails in front of me, and anything having to do with eyes especially injury to eyes, and also I get all itchy when I see things with lots of holes in them, like swiss cheese or a lawn that has been aerated with one of those machines that punches holes in the soil...ugh. I have spent hours filling up crab-holes on beaches.

I also eat my froot loops one color at a time. Orange, yellow, green, red, blue, purple in that order.

I love reading weird things about other people that no one talks about but everyone has millions of them and you feel all warm inside seeing how we're all weird! I love this thread.
i use food as a reward.

i used to have a fear of showering when i was home alone until i lived by myself and had to get over it (or be dirty all the time, or call someone to come over and hang out while i cleaned myslef ). i still always sleep with my bra right next to my bed. both weirdnesses come from a fear that a natural disaster will occur or an attacker will break in while i'm naked. it somehow seems like i would be much less likely be able to respond well to such incidents if i were naked. i don't feel fully prepared if i'm not wearing a bra.
oh, and i have also been known to pick my nose in the car.

doesn't everyone?

but i don't pee in the shower.
Ijust spent a bunch of money I don't have for some products that are supposed to make my cellulite go away (yeah, right). I couldn't seem to help myself.
Alligator, are you holding out on us? You keep making jokes about other people's posts, yet all you've confessed to is mayonaise. Is there something in particular that you wish you could say, but can't, that compels you to keep coming in here?
Word. That's pretty cowardly. . .to put it euphemistically.

I am reluctant to post my own (mostly b/c I rarely use this site for anything personal anymore) but making fun of other people is more than a little obnoxious and kind of defeats the point of this thread.

I will say that I still sleep my teddy bear, but I'm able to substitute him with a pillow when I'm away from home. I think I just like holding onto something (or so I keep telling myself).

I'll try and think of something better that I'm able to share. It's not like I don't have a wealth of material to mine.
I really like to take my clothes off in front of a camera. It makes me feel sexy.

Rathter then 20 pounds, I feel like 10 off would make me happier, which is stupid because I often feel really sexy.

I'm going to get my first tattoo on July 2nd, and the only people who know are my mom and my SIL.

I think I'm better and prettier then most of the people I've come in to contact with in the everday world. Sometimes I think I'm prettier then my friends and it makes me feel guilty.
A man-eating bear...
When I'm feeling low I go to the supermarket and buy all of my favourite foods for a massive binge. I have expensive taste. It's all so beautiful and far too much but I have to eat all of it. Then I feel worse.

I rate my happiness on how far my hip bones stick out.

Despite the above, I am 100 times more confident naked than clothed and I use my sensuality to get what I want.

I know how to play with a girl's mind and make her become infatuated with me. I see new sexual partners as a challenge. I want to make them submit to me emotionally, especially if they are hard to break. I do this to feel safe. I hate that about myself and it scares me that I will never let anyone get close to me.

I am in the process of doing something absolutely terrifying. I know that I will be judged and made extremely vulnerable, but if I pull it off the opportunities are immense. I feel like I'm on a rollarcoaster and screaming *stop* but it's too loud for anyone to hear me.
I like it here a lot and lurk every day yet I don't feel creative, witty, or smart enough(to borrow from others' posts)to post much here. I've only managed a few and mostly in the american idol thread (not sure why)
I've been absolutely traumatized by something that happened 5 years ago to someone I knew. I don't even feel right about going into detail. This still effects me every single day-my sleep, my concentration, my mental/emotional state. Some days are better than others, but I don't know if it will ever end. I've never sought help or talked to anyone about it.
((la sirena)) Get help- it sounds like it's really affecting you.
When I am in a relationship (or just starting one) when things start to change a little (ie: he pulls back a litle which is normal) I think that it's signaling the end and my head starts to spin inside and I start creating chaos and I sabotage things. And then I'm devastated when he gets freaked out and ends it. I've done this numerous times. I hate it.

I have not washed my hair for a week. I work from home and I am too lazy and no one sees me anyway

I struggle with depression and anxiety and no one but a couple of my really close friends know. Everyone else describes me as happy and lighthearted all the time.
I lost 15 pounds. I am not happier.

btw: thanks, venetia
La_sirena, we won't judge you.

Erinjane I also love to take my clothes off in front of a camera.

I think that without money I am nothing.

I am scared I'll be a failure in my career.

I am am exibitionist.

I come here to purge, sometimes a few times daily. It makes me feel better to get ot off my chest, and i feel like I am somehow improving my karma and am no longer rotting on the inside.

There is a man who I want, and I desperately want to know wha he thinks of me, but I know I will be devastated because I don't think he feels the same about me. I can't walk away from him, though, because it seems like something is right and we were meant to be together. I think it is destiny.

Yup, I also pick my nose in my car.

Hmm, speaking of karma, it's the reason why I no longer shoplift or get with guys that my friends like. There was a period when I did both a lot but I felt horrible and bad things happened, so now the promise of good karma drives me to be a half-decent human.

I got caught shoplifting twice- some cookie dough when I was really stoned (they took my picture and banned me from the store), and for eating some candy from an opened package at Zellers (okay, I opened the package the day before but they couldn't prove that). They tried to give me a fine, I never paid it.
Yeah, still scared of the dark.
Yeah, liked cocaine far too much.
Yeah, would like to be thinner (despite being already 20 pounds underweight according to my doctor).
Also, I think I may be clinically depressed, and I want to have a baby.

Phew! Glad this is 'anonymous'!
i laugh at offensive jokes & racial slurs because i'm afraid of offending the people telling the jokes. i am polite at the expense of my soul.

i go out of my way to avoid confrontation of all kinds. as a result, i'm passive-aggressive to a fault.

i have far too many regrets.
I (married girl) am ass-over-teakettle sloppy in lust with an also-married guy of my acquaintance. It's not a big deal, as I would probably never do anything about it, but I can't help feeling rather guilty.
I still cyber stalk ( that sounds so harsh bc I really only still read in the threads I know she used to post at, but I don't harrass or post back) my ex best friend who I "broke up with" like 2 year ago now.
I don't know why I do it. I know she is crazy & toxic and lied to me about pretty much Everything in our friendship, but sometimes I still miss the good times and her.
and I know (from her posts) that she has more kids now, and that worries me bc I honestly feel I'm probably the only-one who knows how deeply disturbed she really is, including her own husband.
I feel like maybe I can catch her craziness in time to intervene and save them all?
This isn't something I'm necessarily ashamed of but I've never told anyone this (by the way I'm surprised so many people list peeing in the shower as a secret confession. I do it when the mood strikes and I've even peed while taking a bath. Hah!)

My mother and my stepfather divorced when I was 8. He used to physically and verbally/emotionally abuse me. Which is interesting, on a side note, what preceded their divorce was when I was caught shoplifting with my friends at the mall (if I had just turned around and went home I never would have been caught!). The security people had to call our parents and I didn't want them to call my step-father who was home at the time so I told them no one was available to call. When they said I'd have to go with child services until my parents came, that's when I broke down and said, "You can't call my dad or he'll hurt me." So, naturally they called protective services or whoever as well as my step-father and my mom. Anyway, that was the straw that broke the camel's back. Later on after custody battles, I know longer saw him. This is when he began to stalk us up until the time I helped my mother move out of town when I was 19 and I later moved out of town as well. He would drive by our house 30 times a night and look in our windows. When we were living in our old house, I guess he still had a key because once we came home and he had been on the computer playing mah jong and ran out the back door. He never did anything violent. He was just annoying, embarassing and harassive. Mainly he just drove by our house and occasionally sent us stupid letters saying, "I hope you're okay, Happy Birthday" or something like that. Of course, my mom had an order of protection and a restraining order and we went to the police whenever he sent us letters or drove by our house a lot. But the police would never do anything about it because they said they couldn't prove it. He would also stalk my mom's friends and boyfriends and that would really set off her bi-polar-ness even more. My mom also took it out on me when we went to the police. I really didn't want to go and give statements (I was 9,10,or 11 at the time) - sometimes I did but even then she would say I wasn't telling the police everything I knew like I was trying to downplay it or, "what the hell is the matter with you! Do you want them to put me in the ground! That's what you want, don't you?! He said he was going to ruin me financially and you're going to let him!" That's also something I'll always resent my mother for - not just her emotional abuse but how she can create scenarios where we are arguing about literally nothing and we're screaming at each other and she just won't leave me alone know matter what so the only thing I was able to do to get away was to hurt her or hurt myself. Ended the argument everytime. Back to my step-father for a minute. When I was in 11th grade, I was walking down the busy hallways to go to lunch and this teacher-guy is to my right and says, "Hi." I gave a shallow hi back and kept walking. I was stunned. It was my step-father. He got a job as a substitute teacher at my fucking high school. It took me a few minutes to accept that it was him. I hadn't really seen him in a long time. Sometimes I saw his car drive by and I knew it was him but I was very good at ignoring it. He looked a lot older and greyer and smaller than when I was a kid (of course). I cried when I came home for lunch and called my mom and I couldn't even speak so she came over and found out what happened and called the school and threatened to sue. When I was a kid, I was really embarassed by all the stalking but now that I'm older I don't necessarily feel embarassed by it. I just wish I had had different parents (surprise, surprise). I really can't relate to my mom at all and if we didn't look so much alike I would think I was adopted or something. And I really resent her for putting me in bad situations with her ex-husband and boyfriends when I was a kid. That I could have done without. I really don't and haven't told anyone about my mom or my past.

Hmm, what else... I think I might have been molested when I was two. I don't have any memory of it but when I was that age my mother noticed I was acting different and I think she might have said I was sucking my fingers or sucking at things a lot. I'm not sure exactly what she said. My mom took me to a person she knew who was getting their masters in psychology and had me draw good touch, bad touch on a stick figure. Green crayons were for good touch, red were for bad touch. I drew the mouth red. Honestly, I have no idea whether I was just drawing red lips or whether I was molested. My mom told me that her friend said it was possible that I might have been molested but it would be hard to prove. After that, my mom asked my babysitter about it and the babysitter became upset and I think she left me with some teenage boys who were relatives of her's. I'm not sure. I can't really remember the story accurately. So I guess those teenage boys made me perform oral sex on them when I was two. I guess that's what the good touch/bad touch drawing implied. I'm not sure. And I'm assuming my mom at least fired the babysitter. Looks like I'll have to ask her about it again someday.

Well, that's all for today! This feels strangely therapeutic and I feel, like... good. :-)
(((gardnerella))) My SO had an abusive stepfather as well, so while obv. I have no idea what you went through, I see what effect it has had on him.

Are we supposed to reply to other peoples posts? I don't know.

When I was little my mum told me it was ok to pee in the bath because it is good for your skin :-)

My pet rat died today. I spent half an hour stroking and hugging her body. Nobody knows because my mum - the only person who understands how upset i was - would think I was weird. It made me feel a lot better. I spent a long time wrapping the body. Just so she would feel comfortable in the box.

I, uh, know all the words to all the songs in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
((miss jane))
i'm sorry to hear about your rat, a pet is still a family member and it still hurts; made me think of my poor kitty... can't cry... have... fake... eyelashes on...

(and i suppose it's ok to reply?)
I don't care whether or not it's ok to reply.

(((miss jane)))
when my guinea pig, soda, died, I spent a while talking to her. And wrapped her up myself - before crying with my remaining 'pig in my lap. A pet is definitely family, you have every right to cry and mourn.

I want two dogs, not one. They will be my subsitute children.
((Gardnerella)) I hope you feel okay!

((Miss_Jane)) I am sorry for your loss, when my dog dies I was a mess, particularly when we got him cremated and we got the ashes. Ugh.
(((missjane))) don't feel wierd about that. When my parrot died unexpectedly I held her for about an hour. And I pet her and told her how sorry I was. I also took special care in wrapping her and burried w/ a few of her favorite things and a photo of my husband and I. We were closer to her than we are most people. Pet deaths are very tramatic!

must leave before I get teary....

((((miss jane gardernella))))))
I hurt for both of you in different ways.
I've been watching this thread, wanting to post but avoiding it too. This thread scares the hell out of me too. I've typed out posts several times and then just closed the browser.

(((miss jane))) the loss of a pet can be just as difficult, they are loved ones too. That does not, by any stretch, make you weird.

(((gardnerella))) I'm sorry sweetie. I had an abusive step dad too. He used to slap me around when mom wasn't there, and always intimidated me when she was. I always thought she wouldn't believe me, because he used to turn on the water works and cry to her about how all he wanted was me to be a "good girl" and how it broke his heart when I would talk back to him and why was I so difficult, blah blah blah. As the eldest, was the target of his rage and his favorite scab to pick on. Mom worked long hours and was gone a lot of the time so I had a lot of responsibility. I was a really good kid, straight A's, I did housework beyond normal chores, made breakfast, our lunches and cooked dinner, cleaned the entire house (god forbid there was ever a dish in the sink or a piece of laundry unwashed), did everyones laundry (and was not allowed to use the dryer unless it was raining, so I had to hang dry EVERYTHING), cleaned the pool, picked up the yard after the dogs, cleaned mine and little brothers room, all while babysitting everyday after school, helping him with homework and still maintaining my own grades. I even did the breakfast dishes before leaving for school. I was never allowed to go to a friends house or really play outside, too much work to do. Whenever wicked stepdad was angry about anything, even if it was about a neighbor, something on the news, the car breaking down, etc. he would stare straight at me while he was yelling about it. I grew up feeling like everything was my fault and as a result was a very worrisome, depressed child. It has also caused me to be defensive and prone to bouts of depression as an adult. I'm sure that is where my excess weight stems from too.

When I was fifteen, things began to fall apart or him. I grew taller than him and mouthy. One morning I "accidentally-on purpose" tripped and spilled the hot coffee I was serving him all over him. I fantised about running him over in an 18 wheeler big rig. He was supposedly teaching me to drive but it was so traumatic, I refused to get drivers license until I was nearly 30. The worst was when I had strep throat and it was sprinkling out so mom told me to stay in bed. A neighbors son and close friend of mine, and my best friend were there watching tv. Stepbastard cornered me in the kitchen and told me to go out and clean the pool. When I said mom told me not to do anything, he hit me as hard as he could in the right ear. My head rang, but the pain my ear was so exruciating it bordered on numbness. My friend/neighbor went after him and therfore was banned from our house. My mom took me to the ER when she got home and I lied about what happened and said I was hit by a basketball. I still have partial hearing loss from that. Soon after my best friend and I were hanging out at the house while mom was at a church meeting. I had a tee shirt on that said "God's Last Name Is Not Damnit" which at the time, I thought was the coolest, heh. He was bitching at me about something as usual and he said "And GODDAMNIT..." so I looked at him while pointing at my shirt. He grabbed me by the hair and pushed my face up against a wall. I elbowed him and ran straight out the front door accross the street and in the front door of our neighbors house, sreaming. He came after me sreaming that he was going beat the living fuck out of me, but the husband went out and told him to get the hell off his property and that I was not coming out until my mother came to get me. He made my poor bf get in the car and took her home, crying and scared. The neighbor drove over to the church, pulled mom out of her meeting, demanded that if she did not get us kids out the house of that abusive monster immediately, that regardless of how much he loved her and knew she was a loving mother, he was going to report her to social services. Apparently they had been waiting for proof of his abuse and had spoken to my mother about it earlier that same day. We moved out that evening. He stalked us too. Eventually he moved back to Chicago. I had the chance later in life to make him squirm and in 1998 he killed himself with an overdose of heroin. This from a man that never so much as smoked a cigarette. At his funeral people thought I was crying when really I was laughing with my hands over my face at all the morons carrying on about what a loving man and father he had been. Yeah, that was not the one I got, that's for damn sure.


ETA Sorry for the length of that post. It feels damned good to get it out though. Be back later for shorter, juicy confessions...
Years later, I still hold the tiniest of torches for a jackass I never should have gotten involved with. I'm not even friends with him anymore, yet I can't help but think of what could have been, how we would have turned out as adults had we stayed together.

I never drank until after I graduated from college because I'm a huge control freak. To this day I have never gotten flat-out wasted, blacked out, or barfed from drinking too much alcohol.

I'd probably like to try a whole host of drugs, given the right opportunity with the right people.

A writer who I have a lot of respect for, who shall remain nameless, once told me that my writing was better than a lot of his graduate students. He encouraged me to apply to the school where he was on the faculty. I never did. I turned my back on getting an MFA in creative writing because I was afraid of success. I don't even consider myself a writer anymore, and it's kind of liberating to say that.

In all reality, I would never do this, but sometimes I get so annoyed at how slow the weight is coming off that I have these fantasies of slicing it off with a knife. Too bad there's not a bloodless way to do it.

I HATE TAMPONS. There, I said it. On the first two days of my period, the last thing I want to do is shove a wad of compressed cotton (or whatever) up my hoo-ha. I want stuff to come out of me; I don't want to put more stuff inside me.

I have fantasies of dropping out of the career world I've gotten myself into so I can settle down in one of my favorite neighborhoods in one of my favorite cities with a boyfriend and a little fuzzy dog. I don't know if a kid is part of this fantasy world. Probably not. A couple of my friends have taken this route and they seem so content with life over there. I want a simple life. When did things get so complicated? Do I live off of the drama? I constantly have to remind myself that work does not equal life, but it's so hard to do that in our culture. That's why I'd move to another country.

Still, staying with the career and bachelorette-hood, I want to see the world by working in different countries. I am scared shitless to apply for the job in Africa.

I want to be in a Prince cover band, but I get massive stage fright. I have too many fantasies involving Prince. What can I say, we're the same height.

There's so much more I could say. I know there's a lot I won't. (Damn you, G00gle.)

p.s. Miss Jane, don't feel bad. When my first bunny died, I was so upset that I took the following day off of work. It's okay.
huh. this thread has become addicting. there are some depths i will not dive into on this forum, but some i don't mind sharing...

i am an exhibitionist. if i could walk around naked, i would. i am also an attention whore - i love it when people compliment me.

i am an absolute, total flake. i am horrible at making and keeping plans, constantly double-book myself and end up cancelling plans as a result.

i have tried a host of illicit drugs. i don't regret it, and loved every minute of it.

even though i know it won't make me happier, i still want to drop 20 lbs. the reason i DON'T want to lose weight is i am afraid of losing my boobs.

i am secretly way too competitive with other people.

i have a watermelon phobia. for real. i hate hate hate watermelon with a passion - always have, since i was a kid. the smell makes me want to vomit, and i can't watch anyone eat it. it makes me physically ill.

i, too, have peed in the shower. the last time i peed my pants i was 16. and i won't even explain how that happened :-)

i have days when i hate everyone and everything, and wish i could seclude myself on a mountain somewhere.

i think i am a fraud, and fear that one day someone will realise i am not smart/talented/pretty/etc.

i think i've divulged enough for one day.

The majority of my friends and family annoy me horribly lately, for no reason and I constantly feel guilty about it, but I can't stop it.

I'm upset with my best friend for telling my other best friend the address to a private LJ and for telling her about my rape. I'm more furious about my best friend knowning then I am about my guy friends because I think my guy friends, whilst sympathetic, have already put it out of their minds, while I know my best friends will always remember. In our self defense course last week we watched a video that had to do with people being raped that I'm taking with my two best friends and I got really angry because I think that they were thinking of me during the sexual assault parts. I don't know why it gets me so furious. I think it might be because I've lost the only sense of control I had of the 3 year old situation.

I used to think of myself as an open book but in the past year I've come to realize that I am the most secretive person that I know.

To use the quote from Grey's Anatomy...I always think of myself as scary and damaged. I have a scary (extended) family and have had very many damaging things happen to myself. I think I am the most damaged person I know yet the most mentally sane.

I'm afraid to go back to my ex-boyfriend because I know we won't be together forever, but I also know that I still love him. I feel like I'm only 20 but I have to be on the lookout for 'the one'. I foolishly believe 'the one' exists for me. I miss the feeling of new love so badly.

My secret livejournal was full of confessions just like this but too many people know about it and I like this as my sanctuary.
I look at myself in the mirror a lot.

I think I look good.

I think clothes make it worse.

I wish my stomach were thinner.

I turn around and look at my back in the mirror instead.

I resent my best friend because she's in love.

I'd rather not have some of my closest friends as friends at all.

I can't light matches. I fumble with lighters.

I was scared to post in this thread because I was afraid people would remember my username and the lame shit I posted three years ago/still post and think I was lame.

I'm kind of stoned.

I want to find true love.

"Years later, I still hold the tiniest of torches for a jackass I never should have gotten involved with. I'm not even friends with him anymore, yet I can't help but think of what could have been, how we would have turned out as adults had we stayed together."
raisingirl, you are not alone. I, too, was beating myself up over this today and lots of days in the past.
(((busties))) Thanks. I feel much better today. I've got this following week booked off work anyway which is useful. Unfortunately its for my birthday.

When I have period cramps I have a recurring thought which pops up randomly about taking a huge needle and stabbing myself in the uterus with it and using it to draw out all the blood so as to take away the pressure in my insides. Its a really bloody big syringe.
I want to meet someone who is totally enamored of me, will take care of me, buy me stuff and pay for everything. Including all my bills. And I want to have babies with them and be a stay at home mom.

(how's that for a feminist transgression!!)
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