I understand your situation. I have been in a relationship for almost 9 years now. My significant other is really a wonderful guy. He is sweet and caring and GREAT in Bed and very well endowed.
Well, I relate to your question as a person who has been in your shoes. About the 8th year into the relationship. I started fantasizing about romantic interludes with handsome strangers, I started having a fierce appetite for erotic fiction and other material that would feed my fantasy. I assumed that this was a phase that would pass, however, I became concerned when months later the craving for that feeling of “newness” started becoming all consuming. I started becoming rather “horney” for lack of a better term, just about all the time, I felt I was in such a frenzy at times that I was going to loose my mind.
It wasn’t even really the sex I was craving so much, it was more that feeling you get kissing someone for the first time, that spark, chemistry and euphoria you feel when you meet someone and you KNOW that the other person feels it too, and you know that something is going to happen, very soon and the anticipation and electricity that zaps through your body when your on the verge of a new romantic encounter.
Granted, I had had the opportunity in the past to cheat with a guy I worked with. I was in my early 20’s, and this guy at work would always flirt very obviously with me. I had a huge crush, but my boyfriend and the fact that my girlfriend also had a huge crush on him and she could easily kick my ass, so I didn’t flirt back.
However, one day I dropped the “potential affair” off one day and he invited me in for a minute, and I could tell right away where things were leaving when he started asking if I had a boyfriend but “not really” as he put it. He had a girlfriend but “not really,” and I just knew that if I didn’t leave soon, I could have made be a huge mistake. What really got to me was imagining never being able to look in my loved ones eyes ever again without knowing I cheated, or saying I love you and feeling like a fraud forever. So I got out of there lickety split.
Now, before you get the wrong idea about what im gonna say, know that theres a lot more to this story. I have been holding this inside and I am so glad to finally have found an outlet for my inner turmoil.
Fast forward about 5 years. Things are extremely rocky between my boyfriend and I we fight all the time at an escalating rate. We are pushing thirty, and responsibility and our declining economy & government has taken its toll on our healty relationship.
My thoughts and cravings for a fling have only gotten worse. Our bedroom activities had dwindled due to all the tension and fighting. Then, an old boyfriend gets in touch with me from about 10 years back. He was this extremely gorgeous guy, in the ranks of james dean or any of the handsome leading men from that era, I mean he was HOT.
We started talking and he told me his ex had broken his heart. She cheated on him and he hasn’t been close to anyone since. He intimated that he was a hurt and lonely man, but not wanting to get close to anyone, ever. However, he was simultaneously getting very close through letters and phonecalls and in my mind, I suppose I read a lot more into what he said than I should have. He was very clear about not wanting a relationship or getting involved. he poured out his heart about how bad he felt about our past, how things ended and started blowing my mind by unveiling this person who was so much more intelligent, with so much depth, sensitivity & understanding. We would talk every day for hours about all sorts of amazing things. I fell in love I think, it was a classic Emotinal cheating situation. We started hanging out, casually, I told him all about my thoughts and cravings, but that I did not want to cheat because I knew I couldn’t handle the repercussions. He said he understood, just wanted to be friends, and that I seemd so emotionally fragile, that he wouldn’t take advantage of that situation anyway. He was a perfect gentleman, and that made me even crazier. The fighting at home got worse, and all day I was in a fog. I felt litteraly drugged. All my thoughts were consumed with the other guy, he sent me these profound and beautiful letters that were pure poetry. I would read them over and over again when the fighting got worse. I was obessesd.
One day, I sent the other guy a somewhat sexy letter. That only led to more letters with more and more sexual tones and it drove me to the point where I thought I had to have him. But I was in denial at the same time. We decided to get together to “hang” like regular friends do one night. I kept telling myself I wasn’t going to cheat, I wouldn’t let it go pass kissing and then I would stop if anything happened. Meanwhile, I was shaving my legs for the second time and putting together my most ravishingly casual outfit. I even packed a bag for just in case.
Things went well until night fell. We got pretty wasted (which I never believe is an excuse) and he kissed me. We didn’t even have sex that night, just did everything else, but the next few days changed that. We slept together for the next few days. I amazingly felt fine at first, I guess I was so tired and in shock that it didn’t really hit me. The next day however, I was a wreck with guilt. I was paranoid that everyone KNEW the look on my face said it all, I mean I thought I had a scarlet letter on my face or something. I felt sick, I couldn’t eat I couldn’t sleep. And I almost became clinically depressed. Not for the guilt, but the “other man” started withdrawing and becoming alittle cold and distant. Then he tells me hes seeing a few other people and we decide to be friends, but we hang out and end up having sex every time. Cold, meaningless sex that makes us both uncomfortable and makes me feel very empty.
I think in retrospect that I just wanted the experience of cheating. As horrible as that sounds, but I want to be very honest with my feelings here. Right now, I feel I should feel a lot more guilty for what I had done. When the ex came around, I think I justified my actions to myself in my mind, because I had already slept with this man before I even met my boyfriend. I feel if it had been someone who I just met, the guilt would have been ten times worse.
I felt led on, started playing connect the dots with the other man, you know where you obsessively think about the guy and everything that transpired, until you find one bad thing then another, then another, until you’ve painted a picture of a horrible evil person, a liar, a cheat who toyed with your emotions, and so on and so on.
I overcame that horrible compulsion to obsess about how he led me on. I realize now that he was probably just as confused as I was, knowing I was in a relationship, wanting to be friends, then alittle scared by the attachment I had afterwards. That’s what he finaly told me anyway. I believe him, because I have no reason not to. Were still friends, but mostly over the phone.
I put my heart and soul into finding out why I did what I did. I realize that cheating is all related to other issues that are going on in the relationship. It’s a cry for help that somethings not right. I did a lot of soul searching and spent much time in the nonfiction area of the library. I read a lot of books about different topics related to womens relationships and that has really helped me understand a lot more about why it happened, how to prevent it and how to get on with life.
My only advice to you would be to read about topics surrounding women, relationships, men and affairs, before you do anything you may regret. It was a painful experience and the moment of bliss was not worth it. I plan to never tell my boyfriend about it. I don’t want to hurt him. I ve been cheated on in the past and would never want him to feel that kind of pain. The saying “why do we hurt the ones we love” runs through my mind, because the only person I ever cheated on, was the only person who has truly loved me unconditionally with all his heart and been there for me through thick and thin. It sucks, but its what happened. We are in a good place right now, but Im working on it as best I can to keep it that way. It takes a lot of effort and open communication, but I never want to do anything like that ever again. An affair is a positive experience for some, for me, I found I was emotionally incapable of carrying out such horrible thing. They lying manipulation and potential to hurt your most loved one is not worth anything. Good luck, I hope my story give you some perspective. Take care.