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celimene - the end of your post just made me love you.
Thanks to the world of on-line dating, I have had more dates this year then ever before, and I am not sure what I thought I was missing. It is just not as fun as I thought it would be and I am more than a little frustrated. I am not sure what I should do next.
Hello y'all. I have been single for exactly one month now, after dragging out a four year relationship. The break-up was mutual and while at first it was liberating and I relished my alone-ness, its starting to get dull. I have friends but they are all coupled so I dont have a gaggle of single gals to hit the town with.

I am interested in the conversation y'll were having a month ago, about serial monogamists, cuz I think I kinda am one. I dont consider myself a dependant person per se cuz I've never lived with a guy (yup, even in the four year deal, I just couldnt give up my own place) yet I am usually part of a couple.

I like to have it both ways I guess: my own independent life AND a boyfriend to love and play with. I'm starting to want a new one already (not that I have any lined up) especially cuz eventhough I just got out of a relationship, I feel like we were out of love way before the break-up, so really its felt longer than a month....BUTTT,...I guess I want to know how long y'll think I should be alone before I venture out into the dating world? (if I can remember how to flirt again) And, Katie I do mean with an emotional component not just sexual, because I'm a hopeless romantic I guess.

Sorry for the long, jumbled introduction!
Hey greenbean. I can tell you are independent even when in part of a relationship, but, if you are, as you say "always part of a couple" maybe you do need to give it more time. I dont think there is anything wrong with going out and dating though, bc you might find it harder than you even expected to actually find someone you want to date exclusively. but dating in and of itself, just a few guys here and there, is much different then a relationship.

I don't really think it is a question of your emotional ability to be attached to someone else, bc as you said, it felt like it was over a long time before it actually ended (which is totally what happened with me !). but, the fact that it was drawn out long after it ended kind of points to the fact that maybe you just like having a BF around for the sake of entertainment, and you didnt want to lose that, regardless if the love was gone or not.

Although, I understand how having fun as a single girl is really hard if all your girlfriends are attached. In fact, it may seem just impossible. But, you CAN have fun on your own as well. Part of the reason that hated being in a relationship is that i could never seem to just go off and do my own thing during the day, especially on the weekends. and "by my own thing" i mean, without ANYBODY, even friends. Also greenbean, maybe try and find new groups to join where there will be single people. I just think that if you are always in a relationship, that maybe its time to take longer than a month before you get back into a new one. Also, I dont know where you live or how old you are, but i realize these things can all be more difficult depending on those issues. If you do happen to be in the nyc area, we can hang out!
Bummer! I'm clear on the other end of the country in San Francisco. and I'm soon to be 27 yrs old.
I dont know why I just cant relax! I'm freakin' gonna be in Europe in a month! I'm bound to meet some guy to hook-up with. I guess I'm just having a bad weekend because its really hitting me like, "holy shit! I'm ALONE!"
Greenbean, since you're single for the first time in four years, I think it'll take awhile to settle in. That bad weekend you talked about is probably your mind finally beginning to accept the breakup. I'm sorry, that sucks.
Yup, weekends COMPLETELY suck for me now... but after having been broken up with my ex for 2 months now, it finally begins to sink in... though this weekend was much less sad than last weekend. I just stayed in while rain has been soaking when I live and watching movies and reading books and having a nice, quiet time! I never thought I would get back to that place again.

I'm still semi-involved in a fairly unhealthy emotion/physical way with my ex which might be preventing me from totally moving on, but in some others ways, it's actually helping me find closure, too, as I am constantly exposed to the reasons why we broke up. I'm also hanging on a bit for the sex because I am VERY picky who I sleep with and am totally afraid it's going to be YEARS before I sleep with anyone else.

All my friends are coupled up, too, and it's frustrating. Greenbean, if I were you, I'd wait a little while longer... there's NOTHING saying you can't date, meet people, but you may want to try just being alone for awhile.
weekends do suck greenbean, all of a sudden your source of entertainment is gone and that SUCKS
i am officially tired of being single.

my roommate (who i do have feelings for, it's true) is on a date. i am ok with this. i understand (in my mind if not in my heart) that he doesn't have feelings for me and that we'll never be together. that's not what's bothering me.

what's bothering me is the knowledge that i will always be alone. nobody has ever loved me. i have been in love three times. all three were unrequited. watching my roommate date other people is like being in a wheelchair and watching your friends run marathons. i want to run marathons! i do! and i've tried a thousand times, but it seems like there's just something about me that prevents it from happening. i don't know exactly what's wrong, but the bottom line is that i am completely unlovable. i will never be loved. i will always be alone.

i know that there's nothing wrong with not being part of a couple. i know that it's possible to be completely fulfilled and happy and also single. believe me, i do. i've certainly had enough happy single years (and enough shit relationships) to understand that.

it's not fulfillment i'm looking for, anymore than a paraplegic is looking for fulfillment in the desire to walk. i just want to be loved. i want someone to share my life with. i want someone who will be there for me when i need it, and who i can take care of when that person needs it. i want the physical presence of someone next to me, walking the same path. i want to have sex that is meaningful. i want the sensation of two heads being better than one. i don't want a knight in shining armor so much as i want a fellow traveler. and even that is denied to me.

i don't even get to have a cat!
bklyn, you just articulated EXACTLY how I feel.
never say never, though.
while i completely empathise with everything you wrote, don't be so pessimistic.

i know how you feel, because i am pretty much right there lately. but there is a faint glimmer of hope somewhere (very deeply hidden). i don't consider myself stupidly optimistic nor naive to the realities of life. but i have seen folks find companionship at all ages and places in life, and that is kind of encouraging.

\end hopeless romantic post.

what i've been feeling lately, and i am a bit embarassed to admit it, is envy for those in functional relationships. like i am the butt of some karmic practical joke, and man oh man...does it suck! i'm stuck in a catch-22 -- i hate dating but love being in a relationship. :-(

xoxo to all my lovely singles!!
i've been out in the dating world for 10 years now and had a few relatively long term relationships. and i've never even so much as gotten flowers. or an 'i love you'. or any sign that the people i've dated were in any way interested in me beyond sex.

so i feel like my pessimism is warranted. i mean, i'm as physically attractive as i'll ever be. i like to think i'm smart, funny, caring, and all the other things people say they're looking for. i'm bi open to finding love with either a man or a woman. i live in a big city and meet a lot of people. i'm at the point in my life when i'm statistically most likely to meet the person i'll spend my life with.

and still nobody wants me, nobody ever has. at this point i can only assume that this is an inherent thing for me -- i'm meant to be alone.
let me tell you, being single is about 500 times better than being in s shitty relationship which for some reason, is how most end up i think. arent you only like 25 bklyn?

trust me, i understand what you are saying as well, but to be so pessimistic (esp if you are that young) seems to be jumping the gun a little when it comes to thinking you will always be alone.
i see what you're saying (especially about the shitty relationship thing, i don't envy anybody that). i think it's more the fact that i've dated a few people relatively seriously (more than a few months, spending tons of time together, one person i even moved in with) and never got the sense from any of them that it was anything more than the sex or maybe minor conveniences like having someone to spend valentines day with.

i mean, at the age of 25, after dating for ten years and being in a few somewhat serious relationships, shouldn't someone at least have given a shit? once? ever? i mean i guess men get better about this, but with women it's been the same.
well, bklyn, i'm 28 and i've NEVER been in what i would consider to be a serious relationship. not sure how that happened, but there you go. bizarrely enough, i'm still confident that it'll happen. maybe because my parents didn't meet till they were 31, and they have one of the best relationships i've ever seen.
naaa bklyn, one of my best friends from college in 24 and never been in ANY relationship. if you dont click with someone, you just dont click. and its better that happen then you trying to fool yourself into thinking that you like someone more than you do.
i see what you are saying about your past relationships, but is it possible you are underestimating their feelings for you bc you are so down and out about this? of course, i have no idea, its just a thought.
and the way i look at it is, i am 24 and have been in 3 long term reltionships. however, i am no longer in ANY of those relationships. ok i guess what i am TRYING to say is that the only relationship that matters is the one where you end up together for life, so what it actually means is that all those relationships before dont mean anything in the end ultimately.
i know it has to be really really frustrating for you and sometimes being in a long term relationship would just help reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you, however conversely, sometimes there is ALOT more wrong with people who are serial monogamists who are ALWAYS in a relationship.
i dont know, this all makes sense in my head, i just dont want you to think you are unworthy of a loving relationship, or that it will never happen.
Can we all agree that no matter HOW old you are, being single can at times be frustrating? Dating is also frustrating.

Katie, I think that your point of the only relationship that matters is the one you end up in for life is good, but at the same time, how many of us find that relationship at 20, or 25, 30 or even 40? To think that I might not be in a loving, serious relationship that "matters" for 15 or 20 years? Now THAT's frustrating.
well, I'd have to say that all of the relationships, or at least some of them matter. not in the stupid sentimental sense, but in the sense that they help you to become a stronger person. or some shit like that.
i would say that emtee. maybe i am thinking along the lines that i just rather not have a meaningful one for an undertermined length of time then have a crappy one every year or so. either way, its frustrating bc it makes you wonder if anyone is out there for you ever. and yeah, i think we can all agree that dating can totally suck.
Like stillveryangry, I completely disagree with the idea that the only relationship that matters is your lifelong 'one'. In fact I think that the idea there is 'one' person out there for you is qute a poisonous one.

To me, all our relationships matter - friendships or family connections or brief sexual exchanges or romantic flings or long-term partnerships, they are all connections with people that affect and change us. That's a reason not to discount any kind of relationship and not to put up with crappy ones whose effects on us we don't like.

I do agree with everything else Katie said - that we shouldn't beat ourselves up for not having long-term partners and that we shouldn't pursue any relationship just for the sake of it, and that not having found someone by your twenties means absolutely nothing.

Me, I'm in one of my phases where I'm totally happy being single and wouldn't know what to do with a relationship if the perfect person suddenly inserted themselves into my life. Though I do worry about it from time to time - I'm 24 and have had two major relationships in my life, both over three years ago and neither with a woman, which is what I would want now. I am moving to another country in a few weeks and I always think that maybe something will happen then, but I probably won't - and I may well be too accustomed to self-sufficiency to deal with it if it does, though I would like to have a loving relationship in my life.
Busy busy life. School and work and writing pieces for magazines and fulfilling school credits so I can graduate and afford a place to live and be a mature grown woman at 22. It's hard to keep up relationships with friends in the city, much less anything romantic or even sexual (too many people and it's a crapshoot).

I like it when I make eyes with men in the streets or in close encounters. Like today when I was watching some women hurry around like nervous hens, and I turned to smile at this cute young guy in a suit behind me. We both smiled at the sight. It was a quick moment, but it was cute.

I like getting along with different people and observing people. I commute to summer classes every day, and on the way home it's the 5 o'clock rush, so I am crammed with people, and I make mental notes of people near me and observe them with interest. I like making up stories in my head about the people, or listen to their voices talk about anything.
i actually came off in a way that i didnt mean to, bc i do believe every relationship you have, while varying in degrees of how much they affect you, the fact remains that they all do in one way or another. i think what i meant to say that just bc you have not had a long term relationship by a certain age and others have, doesnt really mean anything in terms of who you are. you aren't better or worse than someone who has had 5 long term relationships and it doesnt mean you wont find someone eventually. but i guess that is obvious. still doesnt mean it isnt frustrating but i see women like bklyn getting so upset about it and since i know (from your posts anyway) that you are such a cool girl and have so much to offer that it gets ME upset to read stuff like that, even if i cant take my own damn advice half the time:-)
(((bklyn))) I feel you, sister. but there is NOTHING about you that is inherently unlovable. I am 26, relatively good-looking and single as hell. I don't even get so much as a glance on the street from men. I dunno what it is. I just recently called a guy who I thought was flirting w/ me only to get rejected. ouch!! I guess it's tougher than I thought to get a date. I have always acquired my bf's on the party scene but I don't party anymore so it is so hard. I have been single for two years now and I have not dated even once. sometimes I feel like you do but I just keep holding out hope that one day I will run into some awesome person and it will click. Not "the one" or anything. I totally agree with maryjo in not holding out for some special "one" person. I just want someone to share with. anyway, that's all I have to say.
When you have been single for extended periods of time, it's really hard NOT to get down on yourself and feel that there is something inherently wrong/unloveable with you. I've been single now for years - just a date here or there nothing exciting. But it's hard when you watch your friends pair up and the realative ease with which they seem to acquire dates/boyfriends and that nagging self doubt eats away at you. I often joke that I have the word "repulsive" written on my forehead in ink only men can see:-) People laugh and the remark is meant to be self-deprecating, but it's really how I feel most of the time.

It didn't seem so bad to be single in my early/mid twenties, but now that the majority of my friends are married/engaged/serious it's harder and harder to reconcile the concept that at 34 I'm still single and never been in a really serious relationship. This bugs me more now than it ever has.

And to top it all off, I just got a wedding invite in the mail addressed to "October & Guest" it might as well read "October & 0" or "October and Nobody" in large blinking neon letters! It sucks, 'cause I can't not go due to the fact that this is a close family friend's wedding and everyone my age that I know IS bringing a date. ARRRGGGHHH!

I guess it's just nice to know I'm not alone in my frustration - it makes it a bit more bearable. Solidarity Busties!!!
Okay. I'm frustrated, but can laugh at it.

Last night, I went out with friends to celebrate finishing my degree and signing my job contract. One of my friends brought along a guy he works with, with intentions of setting us up. We really hit it off, were talking and flirting all night- he even walked me home!- but at the end of the night, it occured to me that he had exchanged phone numbers with EVERYONE at the table EXCEPT me.

"Closing" is always the hardest part for me! Any advice?
This is my favorite thread at the moment -- it is so comforting to hear from other singletons, especially those like me who only get a date once in a blue moon. I've only had two relationships, both ending in under a month. The last one was great -- I thought I had found someone wonderful, but he turned out to be something of a player. But luckily, I ran before I could get played!

Still, it's sad to wake up every morning and have little more to look forward to than a drink at Starbucks and a few conversations with my interesting coworkers. They all seem to be in happy relationships, saving up for their first house, expecting a baby or just looking forward to going home and having dinner with their husband/wife/boyfriend/whatever. I'm more than jealous. =(

I try to live life to its fullest, making the most out of each day as it comes, but I can't help but hope for a real, romantic relationship.
I am so sick of seeing couples holding hands and making out and being so damned "happy"! I wish they would all ship off to an island and just be "happy" over there somewhere! yes, I'm frustrated.
cloverbee, I know how it feels to see happy couples- articles always say to remember that they are prolly different behind closed doors, at least some of the time.

And for some laughs, something making its way round the web about pick up lines.

I'm sure we've all suffered through some real winners.
Hey cloverbee, I totally hear you. I try to be all positive and think 'oh that's so nice, good for them'. But it always turns in to that unnerving angry laughter.. HA HA
well, yeah, bella coola; but do you know any couples who are going through some rough spots right now? I always try to think of those ones whose *couplehood novelty* has worn off when i get jealous.
it's just, like, "oh, there's another one I can't have". ya know? does everyfuckingbody have to be attached nowdays? whatever happened to casually dating several people including me???
I feel that people are too eager to settle down w/ eachother out of fear of being a frustrated single I guess. or maybe I am just angry and projecting my non-committal attitudes on others. I freaking hate not having a date for Friday night. I do not hate not having a bf however.
i agree cloverbee. it seems like everyone is a couple. but, i think it is just cuz i want to be in a relationship so that is all i'm allowing myself to see. it does get tough. especially when i'm around my friends with their great husbands. i feel myself saying, 'i want a great guy too.' oh well. it will happen.

i keep playing the ramones "i wanna be your boyfriend." great song. helps with the frustration.
Dude. I so wish Joey Ramone was in my shower like in RRHS. I wanted to *be* PJ Soles.
O ya glassk! o ya o ya. There's a couple couples that seem to have a constant battle to keep it together, it's like they can't for the life (of their relationship) find a common ground. It's really hard, there is definetly another side to it. There's good and bad about both situations, right? Personally I have learned SO much about myself, and grown so much in singlehood. Now I just want to share it with someone worthy! On the other hand, it seems like these troubled couples don't understand/love themselves enough, how can they expect to understand/love each other!! Like cloverbee says, maybe they're too eager to be paired to do the groundwork to prepare for it. Look at this, I got all the answers.. hah! Just ideas. For as many of us fantastic single chicas, there's got to be at least a few cool fellas
I'd like Joey Ramone in my shower, too, ha ha! I keep meeting guys who are in "open relationships" and I just can't deal w/ that! My ex wants me back, he says, AND he has a live in girlfriend! WTF? Is the world changing that much? Does monogamy not exist anymore? Think I'll stay on my own..
no freaking kidding... "open relationships" my ass......
so where is the best place to meet men? do you really have to know someone who knows someone?
anna k
Oh yeah. I've been hanging out with this guy who has a girlfriend who is in California, and they do the open relationship thing. I don't ask too much about it, I just enjoy his company.
bella coola
Hey clover, I'm a fan of internet dating myself. It's hit-and-miss like anything else, but at least you get *somewhat* of a feel for what they're like before you even have to talk to them. Seems like nobody can truly disguise themselves, even online.

I met a nice hunk of manliness last night, hoo! Don't know how good we would be together but I don't mind having to look at the guy.
I'm going to x-post this in a few threads, sorry for the annoyance!

Has anyone tried speed dating? Or, specifically, the speed dating service offered by (or in canada,

I got and email about it that appeared spammy at first, but was then intruiging and seems legit. I'm having a bit of a single's pity party over here, and when i'm not at work, I'll post at length about it!
Ok, I am just really REALLY sick of being single. It wasn't too bad when I was still in my 20s and it seemed like there was a limitless supply of men out there, but these days..... Most of my friends are married or about to be. I live in London, where exactly ONE of my friends is single - she's unemployed and always poorly, so is never up for going out. Meanwhile, while I wasn't paying attention, it seems that everyone in the whole world managed to pair off. Boys I know through friends used to spend all their time in strip clubs; now all they do is bang on about how great their girlfriends are. My annoying attached friends tell me that I "set my sights too high". I'm sorry. I don't expect to hook up with a boy who looks like Wentworth Miller (although I wouldn't say no!), but I do at least need to find him attractive. They're also fond of saying inane things like "it will happen when you least expect it". Oh yeah? The same people who say this have been single for about 6 weeks since the age of 18. You could forgive me for not taking their advice! It's really frustrating, I feel like I have so much to give, but apparently nobody in this world wants to take it. Bah.
anna k
I hear you, thepointybird. I often read about women who are writers or designers or artists, and they usually have a boyfriend or a husband. It's almost like a trophy sometimes.

I don't even know how to deal with a guy in a romantic bf/gf relationship. I'm used to being on my own or seeing guys as casual friends or hookups, never a one-on-one relationship.
anna, i am failing to see how writers designers etc have anything to do with pointybirds problem? or were you just elaborating.

and wait are they the trophys or are their men the trophy's for them. cause that would be a really interesting turn around fo sho! almost nice to see.

all that being said, i have been single now for about a year after breaking up with my BF of 4 years. i was bored, i dated him all thru college, and i just needed to mooove on. now, i feel like i am ready to have a boyfriend, but i dont even know where to go about meeting one. i mean, part of me still loves my ex, and that maybe i needed a break, cause now we get along so well. however, there is always the boy who basically made me realize i needed to break up with him, and hes my best friend who i totally fell for.

he of course, is completely emotionally unavailable but its like he always keeps me hanging on thinking that maybe, one day.

i am just being stupid. perhaps i need to branch out more completely. i just dont know how! i have tons of guy friends, most who are interested in me, but in whom i have no interest aside from maybe a hookup here and there.

i feel like the only person i really really want more than anything else in this world is the one person who i can never have. unforunately, this is an entirely new feeling for me, so i dont really know what to do with it.

anyway, enough about me, i just think its about that time where i enter the frustrated singles busties thread.

although, i should come out and say that i love being single, and i wouldnt mind just meeting guys to date, not necessarily a steady, one on one relationship. i would be happy with having a ton of dudes to go out with who i was romanticaly interested in, outside of my guy friends who very often, i am only marginally attracted to.
anna k
I meant that the mention of a husband or a boyfriend with lots of women profiled as artists or writers or whatever can make the men sound like a trophy or an addition to their greatness. I meant it more along these quotes:

Meanwhile, while I wasn't paying attention, it seems that everyone in the whole world managed to pair off.

They're also fond of saying inane things like "it will happen when you least expect it". Oh yeah? The same people who say this have been single for about 6 weeks since the age of 18.

Your quote:

i have tons of guy friends, most who are interested in me, but in whom i have no interest aside from maybe a hookup here and there

Me too. I have guy friends who I hang out with, and who I could hook up with, but I wouldn't feel much from it and it will only serve to feed my ego of being sexy and beautiful. When I have little sexual interest in someone, it often feels boring and uninteresting rather than hott or creative.
Unfortunately, I don't even have the luxury of having friends that I might be able to hook up with. Pretty much all of my male friends are spoken for. I sometimes feel like I'm just not going to meet anyone I can hook up with ever again. I rarely even see hot boys, let alone actually meet them. I tried doing the internet dating thing but gave up after a while cos I was just getting too many mixed messages from all these boys. That or they were only interested in getting their leg over, and I never saw them again! It's weird, I sometimes hate myself a little bit for thinking it, but I'm just really lonely. I have a life, I have lots of friends, I'm busy, but I just really want someone to come home to, someone I can just hug and tell them about my day. Apologies for being so maudlin, it's just been on my mind a lot lately!
Thepointybird, I hear you loud and clear. I've always been in relationships, however bad, or I've had a couple people that were easy and non-issue hook-ups. Now, I'm actually on my own with no relationship possibilities on the horizon. I am so incredibly lonely, I just don't know what to do with myself.
It pisses me off. I'm supposed to be the type of person who makes the best of the situation, forges ahead, and relishes the time to myself. But I feel like i'm half of a couple. I sleep on "my" side of the bed, I buy food that I don't eat, I talk too much to my cat, I rip out recipes to cook when I'm dating someone again. I've put my life on hold, and there's no one out there.
I'm at the scary stage when I feel frustrated and lonely, but don't want to give up the little conveniences of being single. I find my standards seem to be getting higher and higher. When I go into town, there are thousands on the street and on the tube, yet I hardly see anyone I'm attracted to. I know that's superficial, but that's where the spark starts...
Are my standards getting tougher because I've come to like having all this control over my time (if not my life)?
I'm 19 years old and every day at some point I get the crushing feeling that I might never feel love again. Evreyone seems to find it so easy to get a boyfriend or a girlfriend whom they fall instantly and crazily in love with. Everyone seems to have someone, even if it's just a sex buddy. I had one of those and he treated me like dirt and made me feel even worse. I feel like i'm the bottom step that guys use to boost thier confidence before treading all over mine and dumping me for someone prettier, thinner, more interesting. I feel unattractive and angry and I just want to scream and cry and stamp my feet but then that would mean that they'd won and even though they have because they've all but destroyed my self confidence. I can never let it show because it makes me the "weak woman".
Ok that feels WAY better.
Hcbeck, I totally know what you mean! A guy who I was chatting to online (from a small town in Sussex) said to me "only in London could a girl like you be single". I found that... bizarre. If I can't find a boy that interests me in a city of 8 million, surely my chances of finding one in some rural hamlet are way smaller still? iT'S SO DEPRESSING. WHO KIDNAPPED ALL THE CUTE BOYS???
The cute boys are not in NYC! Or if they are, they are gay or otherwise taken or just plain out of their minds. I think "normal" boys (the ones who aren't model obsessed or with other dysfunctions) might be in the suburbs. Of course, people who live in the suburbs might disagree! The grass is always greener on the other side, blah, blah blah..
Caroline, they're not in GA either. Everyone here is gay or trying to be a rapper....or nuts. Or a great combo of all three. sad.gif
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