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Since the night I left that message I have been eating more but then I feel incredibly guilty and depressed, it just tires me out so I'm going to cut it right back again. I've not been eating anything terribly bad for me and part of me knows that compared to my usual binging I'm doing really well and probably still losing but the sheer quantity of food (still not a lot but 3 meals a day GASP!) is just making me feel like an absolute tub. I think it's just because I feel stranded at the moment without a boyfriend or a regular sexual partner I feel lonely and it makes me terribly nervous and anxious so I need to starve to get some control. It's working right now and I don't feel like it's getting out of hand. My friend is going through a bad break up and she claims to lose interest in food when that happens but I can see through it. She doesn't ever freak out or get preachy when I talk about starving on purpose so I'm pretty certain she's encountering the same issue.

(((OGG))) (((sassy)))

I've been doing pretty good. I've had a few overeating/panic moments, but I haven't purged in months. I'm trying to focus on school and crochet. The crochet helps a lot, it helps to have something to focus so much time/effort on that I can't think about food / weight.
Falling back into "old habits" (if you catch my drift). I have to control this before it controls me again.
This thread hasn't been very active for along time, but I'm so happy it's here. Just this week, I seem to have fallen back into binging for the fist time in about four years. I mean, I've had minor times when I've eaten too much & felt bad about it. But this week, it's been affecting me & been cyclical in a way it hasn't in years.

I'm searching for a middle ground right now - a place where I can think about my feelings and understand the things that have lead up to me binging. but also a place where I don't dwell on those thoughts or let them take negative forms that make me begin to feel hopeless (because then I'll go put more food in my face.)

I don't have to get depressed about this. I've made this a thing of the past in the past. And I can do it again.
man. binging is like some emotional OCD thing for me. i start it without realizing & end up knee deep before i realize what's happening. today i woke up late, then was about to go exercise when i get called in to work. getting called into work is a very good thing. but it also means that i don't get to go to the gym. where i haven't been in a week b/c of being sick. after spending the weekend traveling (getting force fed by family members, struggling to find edible food at fast food chains and gas stations.)

i wasn't hungry when i got up, but i saw a tin of nuts sitting on my dresser & unawake ate them all. probabally didn't help either that the pair of pants i grabbed to put on feels really uncomfortably tight. they look good. but they FEEL like they're a size too small & this always makes me feel gross.

then i figured i should make some coffee. there were some mini pasteries sitting on the table. i ate 2 instead of just trying one & felt guilty. and i was also upset about not being able to go work out. so then i just started shoving these little pasteries in my mouth. i ate 2 more when i realized that 4 mini scones really wasn't that much YET. and that i could still stop.

i think i need to not keep food in my room, not wear clothes that make me feel uncomfortable, and maybe even put a little coffee/tea maker in my room so that i don't have to START out my day like this.

if nothing else i'm getting a handle on what is triggering this. feeling fat & inactive makes me want to eat. which is weird. because being over full forces me to be inactive & makes me gain weight.
{{{mumblestutter}}} Just so you know, even if no one else posts here, I think if it helps you by writing things out then keep the thread alive. You'll never know who read it and benefitted from what you wrote even if they didn't respond.

Good luck!
((mumblestar)) Please follow kitten's advice.

I had a bad B/P this past week. This has been months since it happened Last weekend I found out the dog is really sick and among other bad things in my life. Before I knew it I ate half a can of cookie dough, and purged it. This was in the morning!! Also, I was on my period so craving sweets didn't help.

Mcgeek and I have been fighting over money and our relationship in general. So, it's been a bad week. I've also fallen into a bad depression.


thank you kitten & sassy. i really hope things get easier for you sassy.
i know there are many threads on here that i've learned from, that have helped me in many ways that i've never felt the need to ad to. writing has been therapeutic for me... and perhaps helpful to someone else.

i'd been a couple of years without incident, so i know i can do it again. i think i've been having alot of stress/anxiety issues & physical pain. i need to think about my actions... differently than i have been lately.

thank you for the kind words.
Some positive news. For the last couple of weeks, I've been tracking what I eat on It has been very helpful. I always feel like I have overeaten by some gross proportion. Sometimes, at a certian point, I feel like it just doesn't matter since I've already eaten so much. That's when the binging happens.

Using the fitday site, I've been able to record what I eat & see how the nutrients accumulate through out the day. It's shown me that while the food I eat, by and large, is nutrient rich but not always calorie dense. There have been several times I haven't wanted to record what I've eaten because I was sure it was an enormous portion. Only to record it and find it had far fewer calories than I had figured. Which helped me make realize wanting more food was perfectly reasonable - that felt hunger because my body needed more nutrients. This has directed me towards choosing nutritious snack rather than starting a binge a couple of times. I really hope it continues to be helpful.

Sorry if this sounds like a commercial endorsement. It's just my life lately.
anna k
Hi ED Busties, long time no see.

So. I have majorly relapsed.
I'm back to that point where I can no longer feel full without feeling nauseous and having an absolute need to purge. After months of normal eating habits I slid right back into it in the space of a week. It started with overeating some birthday cake and then needing to purge.
Now I'm back to purging after every meal. I hate feeling hungry but I just can't STAND the feeling of food in my stomach.
I panicked a bit earlier because Crinoboy wants to visit some friends for a few days, and they only have one bathroom so it's very difficult to conceal my problem ( the boy doesn't know, I have a feeling he would be very angry if he found out). *sigh* I really thought that I was done with this bullshit.

rolleyes.gif so I've been reading....what my problem is sounds soo small compared to what you ladies are facing. I wish you all the best and hope that weight, food, and/or depression stop being major problems for us all VERY VERY soon. I choose the roll eyes icon just for that. I will share my problem and hope it helps someone, and/or someone can help me.
I started having a problem with my weight when I left my bio mom when I was 12 then I was 100.5 lbs. Right on target....normal. I played sports, band, softball, cheerleading.
My bio mom made sure I had 3 meals a day, and I was physically healthy. Not so much emotionally though. I would sneak into the cabinets and eat whole cans of corn or peas or spam (yes, I like spam, only because it is useful on hiking trips and dehydrates well.) I once found a box of semi sweet chocolate and ate the whole thing even though it was gross! unsure.gif I wasn't hungry I was just in need of something. I refer to my mom as my bio mom because she was great physically, but emotionally and mentally I was alone, and grown, by the time I was like 6. She fed me, paid for my stuff whatever I needed at the time but was emotionally absent my entire childhood. I would find the candy stash on top of the fridge and eat most of that as well.
When I left my bio mom, I went into a scared depression, I was quiet, didn't trust anyone and was an outcast in school. My guardians decided that I could not do any sports, although I did do volleyball one year. So for the 2 and a half years I lived with them I sat 95.9 percent of the time. I was in middle school so no recess, in school we sat unless we were changing classes, (how can a teacher teach with a class full of screaming running students?) they drug me to church which you stand for like 15 minutes tops and then you SIT! I begged to do ballet, they said get your grades up, I DID they never kept up their end. Heartbreaking...for me at least. I trusted them lived up to their standard and then still was majorly dissapointed. To make a long story short, meals were not balanced here and I gained 81 lbs in 2 and a half years. 181.5. At this weight I was only 14. I hated my body.
So my guardians decided they could not put up with me anymore and sent me to a year round outdoor wilderness camp for girls. MY LIFESAVER! I lost, and went down to 163. It was the only thing that kept me from hating life altogether. Well one of the only things....there was one other outlet that I found to keep me going, but in that instance I was a leach, I found one person that when I was with them everything was okay, when I left them, it would be okay for a little while cause I felt revived after seeing them or spending just a few minutes with them. Weird huh?! (If souls look down upon the world and were able to choose the woman who would raise them, I would have chosen her.) Wish in one hand and spit in the other and see what you got more of. Forget that.
Now I am 22, a mother of one, a survivor of domestic violence, and soon to be married.
Two months after I had my child I was 200 lbs. The highest weight I have ever been. I met my fiance in July of this year, and since then his mother has been helping me lose weight. I went from 200 lbs, to what I am now 175.0 in a little under 4 months. I've been drinking protein shakes twice a day with as much water as I can stand. I am so proud, and so relieved and so thankful, and protein is gross!
What is your problem then you are asking, I can't stop thinking about food. When I start eating, after I'm fed up with the protein I have like 2 sandwiches, or 5 pieces of candy, I can't just stop at one. I am so needy. I've had all the blood tests done, don't like taking appetite pills and am just disghusted that I think about food all day. Medically I need to be 136 to be condsidered healthy, I am 39 lbs over that. Am I afraid to be healthy. I believe that would make me happy about/with my body. What is wrong and how can I stop fantisizing about food?
QUOTE(kittenb @ Apr 15 2009, 10:53 AM) *
{{{mumblestutter}}} Just so you know, even if no one else posts here, I think if it helps you by writing things out then keep the thread alive. You'll never know who read it and benefitted from what you wrote even if they didn't respond.

Good luck!

Yes, you are soo right I just keep reading and it's very encouraging. I just wish I knew how to fix everyone so we could talk about other girl stuff like our fav brand of tampons or something. lol
((crinoline)) I'm so sorry to hear that! Don't give up, you beat it once so you know you can do it again!

sgtmgirl, I have to give a disclaimer that I just dropped in to this thread for a visit ad I don't have an eating disorder, so you can take my advice or leave it. I do think about food a lot and know I could be healthier and eat less emotionally, but it's no disorder. Anyways, are you sure that you aren't obsessing about food because you're not giving yourself the right nutrients in the first place? If you're dieting, its normal to be hungry, and if you start your day with plain old protein shakes every day, they're going to leave you feeling hungry, that's the way the body works. Having an egg with toast and a piece of fruit would leave you full longer, and wouldn't actually be much more in calories. Also, I don't know how tall you are, but don't think that you have to be a certain BMI to be healthy. I have a BMI that places me at the very upper edge of "healthy" but I know I'm quite healthy, I just have more muscle than the BMI scale accounts for. My best advice would be to relax about food, and make sure you get out and stay active to boost your metabolism and keep your body feeling better.
sgtm, this is just personal opinion but, i'm pretty sure that the experience of feeling satisfied is more than just eating nutritious or well rounded food. i think there are different ways of being satisfied after a meal. eating a large meal might be very filling, but if it didn't taste good it might leave me daydreaming about food that i enjoy. i think actually the amount i enjoy a food plays into how satiating it is. who i eat with/good company, whether i sit down for a meal, or eat on the fly also seem to affect my appetite & how much i enjoy meals.

in anycase, best of luck! it sounds like you are entering an exciting new phase of your life. congratulations for taking care of your health and surrounding yourself with people who care about you smile.gif
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