Jun 29 2007, 11:41 AM
So, this is my first time on here and I've been reading this thread and I'm a little nervous.
I've lost about 40 pounds in the last year through healthy diet and exercise but now I'm getting to the point where whenever I eat anything that I don't deem "healthy" I really want to just throw up and about 60% of the time, I do. Last night, for example, I had some nachos and I loved it while I ate it but immediately felt like a total loser and that BOOM I gained back all 40 pounds.
I'm nervous about telling anyone because I feel lame...
Jun 29 2007, 01:34 PM
busybee: do not give in to neurotic fear. eating nachos (or any occasional indulgence) will NOT make you gain 40 pounds. if you gain any weight at all, it may be about 2 to 5 pounds at the most, which you can take off with exercise and a balanced diet. the only thing purging does it rot your teeth and fuck with your electrolytes. i've said it before and i'll say it again, while i was bulimic i ranged between a size three and a size nine. now i am a consistent size five with exercise and a balanced diet. i think hannah was the one who brought the book up, but maybe you should look into eating intuitively
Jun 29 2007, 07:14 PM
I'm very black-n-white with my eating: I'll eat "good" in a very strict way until my cravings drive me to eat something "bad", and then ALL I eat is "bad" food. Back and forth. So, I'm trying to be balanced (what a concept!) and eat healthy meals while still allowing myself to have my junky snacks. I do feel better---there's not so much guilt and shame. But yesterday it really sunk in that, if I'm ever to move on from all my issues, that I've really got to learn to love myself. I know it seems obvious and is mentioned all the time, but I always shied away (cringed, really) from the concept, partly b'cuz it seemed cheesey, partly b'cuz I feared accepting myself would mean never losing weight, and partly (I think this was subconcious) b'cuz, deep down inside, I felt that I am not lovable as I am: that I will only merit love when I am thinner, and my skin is perfect, and I accomplish lots of stuff, etc.
Whew! So I decided last night to commit to loving myself completely. And so, when I imagined myself, instead of thinking negative thoughts, as I usually, automatically do, I thought of myself as a good friend and just said "I love you", with deep sincerity.
So this morning at the gym, I was thinking about all this as I stretched. Usually I have a slight frown on my face and I avoid looking in the mirror and feel somewhat crappy. But as I thought about it and continued to send true love to myself, I felt peaceful and happy and got this big smile on my face...it was really kinda magical.
Jul 1 2007, 03:54 PM
you wanna know cheesy sass? that post made me get all welled up. it is really fantastic this realization you've had and i am so happy for you. congratulations with all that and i truly hope you continue along a more self loving path.
Jul 2 2007, 09:08 PM
I've been really sick for a few days, and unable to keep any food down. So now I'm hungry again. But I feel like I'e been "good" for so long. i.e. not eating. I don't Want to eat, now. I need to start small, I know, but I don't know what to start with.
and before I got sick I was doing really well with no purging and eating very balanced.
Jul 8 2007, 01:59 AM
glassk: how you feeling now?
Jul 9 2007, 09:37 PM
Well, going home was not good. My mother picked on me about my weight, and now thinks I have diabetes. I know this is not true. It's this mediation that I'm on for my epilepsy, and that's causing the weight gain. Besides, they're retired. I don't have 5 hours a day to work out!
It just seemed everything I put in my mouth was judged. However, my boyfriend and I are going to try to eat healthier. But right now I'm very depressed. So, it's back to eating junk food. And I'm PMSing.
Jul 9 2007, 11:28 PM
((((((((all the ED/in recovery busties)))))))
sassy, oh god, mothers can be the worst about this shit, can't they?? i'm glad that you seem to be bouncing back from the visit really well though-- not buying into the weight issues your mom was offering to you to take on. getting healthy with your boyfriend. not letting working out rule your life.
Jul 11 2007, 12:08 PM
I haven't been into this thread before, not sure why since it could probably help me quite a bit... so here it goes.
I've never been a small girl - was always cubby right through high school. In college we had to eat around everyone else so I ended up eating nothing but salads because i was afraid people would judge me if I ate anything bad for me. So, I lost some weight in my first year of college. In my second year I exercised a lot and my constant schedule of drinking, dancing and being too hungover to eat caused me to lose a lot of weight. Then I started panicking when I didn't eat right so I started throwing up. After that for about 6 months I combined restricting food and then snapping and eating junk followed by purging (about once a day). I reached my lowest weight ever... I was a size 6/8 (usually a size 14). Then I started dating a guy I was comfortable with and reduced the exercising and we ate badly together...
Anyway this story is getting long. Now I'm at my highest weight ever, around 215, and I just can't seem to control myself. I can eat well all day and then it is like something in my brain snaps and I have to eat... I'll eat a tonne of total crap and then purge because I'm already overweight and I want to try reduce the effect of the binging. I dont know what to do - it really is like a switch is flipped in my head and I have no control.
So I'm hoping to find some support and just learn from you wonderful ladies. I've never, ever told anyone about this so this is all a little scary
Jul 14 2007, 01:02 PM
Missjoy: I'm so glad you came to this forum, welcome! I can relate to many aspects of your story, and it wasn't too long: talk all you want. Currently, what's helping me is to allow myself certain foods at mealtimes that, if I were being "super-strict", I wouldn't normally have (for example, foccacia bread with sun-dried tomato mayo). BUT, I eat a small portion and I don't eat any of my trigger foods (cheetos, sweets, ice cream, bacon, croissants, etc), and I don't keep any trigger foods in the house. The second thing that has helped me is to wean off things (what I call my methadone program). For ex: cheetos are my biggest problem, and I couldn't seem to limit the amount I ate. So I substituted a similar item, like doritos, and ate them for a couple of days, till the bag was gone. This allowed me to not feel deprived and to munch on something tasty that was not likely to set me off on a binge. After the doritos were gone, I substituted fresh, homemade popcorn (so much cheaper and healthier than the microwave kind), but added as much butter and salt as I wished. Now I was still not feeling deprived, and still getting great taste, but it was s-l-o-w-l-y becoming healthier. After a few days of this, I eliminated the butter and salt. The first few bites were really boring, and I almost gave in to the butter and salt, but I stuck with it, and a few minutes later, it tasted fine. Now, for my afternoon snack each day, I make fresh, plain popcorn, and I find that each day I'm eating less of it.
So, this is what I mean by doing things gradually and not being "all-or-nothing" about it (which is my usual way). The 3 main points are:
1. Limit portion size
2. Slowly substitute better foods that still provide a sense of "treating" yourself (otherwise, you'll feel deprived and binge)
3. Eliminate the trigger foods (as good as I'm doing now, if I were to eat cheetos or Ben & Jerry's Fish Food ice cream, I'd go straight off the tracks)
I hope this is helpful and that I don't come off bossy or preachy.
Also, one last thing: consider Overeaters Anonymous; anyone, whether anorexic, bulimic, or simply an overeater (basically anyone who struggles with food) is welcome. It is an amazing relief to be surrounded by loving, positive people who have all experienced the same as you, and who want the best for you.
Jul 14 2007, 11:23 PM
sass: just wanna say that was phenomenal advice. it's like, "this is what works".. so simple yet we make it so hard. thanks for sharing, good to keep these techniques/practices in mind.
i'd also like to add that what's helped me stay focused is knowing why i am becoming healthier. i think once we keep in mind not only the how but also the why we are more likely to stick with it.
Jul 14 2007, 11:23 PM
oh yes missjoy, welcome please feel free to share all you like. we all have a lot to say.
Jul 17 2007, 06:36 PM
Welcome, missjoy! I'm glad you've found your way in here! (And yes- I too loved sass's advice to u!) One thing I noticed in your post (and that echoed my own experience) is that mental health, physical health, and being a size 6 don't necessarily go together. I think it's so important to remind ourselves of that, because so often "healthy" is code for "skinny" -- and so often "healthy" just refers to the physical and ignores the mental.
I've been thinking about these connections lately, because for the most part I'm happy with my body and don't have many food/weight issues anymore, but there are times I falter. Times I feel fat, ugly, slobby, dissatisfied with my body and with my looks in general. I'm trying to figure out what exactly these times are-- what triggers me. Some things I've noticed that can trigger me:
-seeing a super buff chick at the gym (not about her being skinny, but in awesome shape and muscular)
-seeing my (judgmental) ex at the gym
-having my knee pain flare up and thus not being able to do the physical things i'd like to do
-not working out for a while
-seeing a bigger number on the scale (or sometimes, seeing the same number on the scale, if i've been working out and i'm not seeing results there)
-wearing one particular pair of tight-waisted pants i've got
-seeing this tall, skinny, hot chick at work
-having a bad break out
-hearing my guy friends check out other girls and comment on their looks
In contrast, I feel great about myself/my body when:
-i've been working out and doing physical therapy
-i work out early in the morning
-i can lift a weight that's heavier than what I lifted last time
-i hang out with body-positive women
-i'm involved with a boy that digs my body
-it's windy and i'm wearing a skirt
-i'm in heels
-my hair and skin look good
-i'm happy otherwise
-i'm in a good mood and smiling
-i'm at a physical location that i feel at peace in
-i'm wearing a sharp, well-fitting outfit
-i'm hanging out with really old people
-i'm the strongest woman in the room
-i see a smaller number on the scale
-my knee pain is not present
-i break a record of mine (eg, in time using the elliptical trainer, intensity of a phys therapy exercise, etc.)
So.... I guess one rough generalization is that I tend to feel crappy when I'm in a situation that it's easy for me to compare myself to another woman whose "better" than me in some looks-related way... and I tend to feel good when I'm more focused on my personal best, and my non-looks strengths, and I'm doing healthy things.
Anyone else notice any patterns about their own feelings? When is it hard for you to stay on the recovery wagon? When is it easy to fall off? I'd love to hear!
Jul 18 2007, 05:01 PM
Octi, I love the "hanging out with really old people"! It made me smile: I can totally relate. In fact, I love old people in general.
Jul 19 2007, 03:57 PM
Feeling a little better. I know it's been a couple of weeks, but it was just tough to deal with a judgemental mother. Especially when she knows that I'm on a med that causes weight gain!! Jeebus! My parents think my ED is bullshit. They think b/c I'm not thin, I don't have one.
Octinoxate, I agree with some of your triggers. It was hard dealing with some of these skinny girls at work. In fact I remember one of them called me "fat" one day! And other said I needed to be on a diet(which the woman that said was about 100 pounds overweight herself) I worked with about 95% woman, and there were some evil bitches.
Sometimes it's just hard not to compare you know?
Sass, I'm working on portion size myself.
((all ED busties))
Jul 20 2007, 01:39 AM
(((sass))): god i'm sorry. women can suck. especially in the work world because you're stuck being around people who arent really your type of people anyway.. you know they're not your friends, you dont CHOOSE to have them in your life. it's a necessary evil if you wanna survive cause you gotta work. ignore ignore ignore. turn your nose up. be sweet. whatever you have to do to maintain. but just remember that if they have the audacity to say that to another woman, they are not strong women, so their opinions dont mean shit.
Jul 21 2007, 08:45 PM
((((sass)))) Sorry to hear about the outside influences (as if we need a voice other than one in our heads telling us to obsess over weight). I had an ex whose family was european and thought it was better if I lived off of coffee and cigs instead of being fat. They would poke my belly and shake their head when I would reach for something fatty. I was 17, and it took me 3-4 years to get over it. I really feel for you...having others be aware of your weight is so so so stressful. Just do what feels right for you!!! Hugs all around.
I've been doing pretty good, but I am still super obsessed with my fitness regiman. I panic when an occasion arises that will conflict with my gym time. I'm trying to see the big picture, will I really remember a day at the gym, or a day out with my in-laws. I need some perspective!!!
Jul 22 2007, 01:37 AM
sorry i didn't post a followup there; just a quick one.
i've been cooking actual meals, but since being sick my portions have gone down. it took me two days to start eating again and i've had a few obsessive days but i'm okay. i think.
i'm off to bed. 'night!
Aug 1 2007, 08:55 AM
hi everyone! how are you doing? i'm ok. been trying to focus on working out and being kind to myself and taking good care of my body. but i've certainly gained weight since being at my skinniest, and i'm having a hard time accepting it and being ok with my body with a few extra pounds. i took an impromptu trip to my hometown to visit a few of my oldest girlfriends, and for some reason that sparked a lot of body panic and loathing. the last time they all saw me, i was much skinnier. i can't help feeling as if i have somehow failed. especially because a friend lost a lot of weight. everyone was commenting and complimenting her. nd she does look great! she's been doing weight watchers, which is how i lost all my weight. so of course i'm proud of her and happy for her, but it's so hard not to compare. i always assume people are thinking the worst of me and judging me, even if i'm def the harshest critic of myself. i'm just so scared that i can't eat healthfully and not obsessively and maintain a thin-ish weight. because i am still careful about what i eat, and am such a healthy person, and the moment i stopped restricting obsessively i feel like my body just wanted to gain and gain. it's been a while now. some days, i feel pretty and ok. some days, i feel deeply horrible about myself. more than anything, i'm so tired of the same thoughts, of still feeling the same way. i just wish i could get over it, snap out of it, spend my energy worrying about more interesting and productive things. i feel like i'm doing all these things that should help: i have a avery smart, supportive therapist, i am taking (pretty) good care of my body, trying to do things that make me happy and reinforce positive thoughts and feelings. but i still feel like i'm caught in this destructive, stupid cycle of self-loathing that i want so bad to escape! yikes!
Aug 3 2007, 07:25 PM
illness + 1 week off from gym + overdosing on carbs + 5lbs = catlady disproportional amount of guilt.
seriously, i walk a fine, fine line of body love and body hatred, and...
sigh. friday night masochism. yum.
hannah, i think we're almost doubly hard on ourselves once we've lost weight and it comes back. it's like we tell ourselves, "you got down to x lbs before, so one, you know it's possible for your body to be there, and two, how did you let it go back up?"
maybesparrow, i get a little anxious too, when it comes to the end of the day and i need to go to the gym, but something comes up... and then i chastise myself for not having more self-discipline to get up in the AM instead, eventhough i love working out in PM to blow off post-work steam...
so, i thought i'd try out octi's trigger list; some do overlap:
triggers: old jeans that aren't even close to fitting anymore, not working out, the scale (
!), pms bloating and carb craving, fri night masochism & random bouts of loneliness
anti-triggers: post work-out drenched in sweat or after summitting a mountain, wearing a trendy and comfortable well-put-together outfit, a good hair day, i wish i could think of more...
and hugs for ((BUSTies)) all around in here...
Aug 16 2007, 09:26 AM
how is everyone doing?
Aug 31 2007, 02:09 PM
Aug 31 2007, 02:27 PM
I've had very little internet access all summer.
I am doing...okay. I'm not completely freaking out over the five pounds I gained while at home this summer. I'm the only person I know who gains weight at home but loses it at school. Well, hopefully I'll lose it again. I dunno, because I'm not taking my usual dance classes, instead focusing on LSAT prep. mmm. It's exactly enough weight gain that my clothes all still fit correctly, but I am acutely aware of the small differences. Crinoboy swears I look exactly the same naked as I did three months ago, but what does he know?
Anyway, I have resisted purging for a month now. However, I have binged a few times, really binged to the point of pain. I know it's stress related with school and everything.
So yeah. How is everyone else doing?
Sep 24 2007, 02:46 AM
crino: good to hear you are resisting the urge to purge ; o thats really one of the stages in overcoming the cycle. you have to be willing to stand there and realize that it's not what you want for yourself and it does nothing to contribute to your well being. stress sucks. various forms of therapy seem to help me with stress.. and engaging a less stressful lifestyle helps as well. glad to hear things are progressing for you and you are moving along nicely in life despite weight issues. i think it's important to remember life is never going to be "perfect" but we can at least try to make the best of it.
how is everyone else?
Sep 27 2007, 10:03 PM
............. i thought i was past this................
but I know I still have problems when I down a large glass of water at least 3, 4 hours after eating, (and all I've eaten today is 1/2 a medium, healthy pizza) .......... and then feel that I really need to purge.
it's fucking WATER.
I felt a little sick to my stomach, but that's no excuse.
Nov 3 2007, 07:43 PM
okay, jesus CHRIST. I've been anorexic for four years. Not deathly anorexic, but definitely falling into the clinical definition of it. A few weeks ago, something suddenly snapped. I have no idea what in hell happened. I've been binging. I've done some purging. I've binged and then purged, or binged without purging. It's gotten to the point where this happens nearly every day.
I eat and eat and eat. If I'm not eating, I'm thinking "hey! I COULD be eating!" I get incredibly strong hunger signals. I hate myself. I don't know how to stop this. I don't understand why this has happened. Has anyone gone through this in the transition out of anorexia to wellness?
Nov 10 2007, 02:33 AM
i dont fucking care anymore.
i dont care about useless senseless people and their opinions.
i dont care whether or not i measure up to someone else's limited &or mindless standards.
i dont care if people accept me or not for looking a certain way.
i dont care if bitches hate.
i dont care if guys wanna fuck me.
i dont care if i eat a big fat juicy brownie.
how is everyone else?
Nov 10 2007, 11:34 AM
knorl0- That's right, girl!! Why should you care what senseless people think? And sometimes a brownie is just a brownie, not a war. (but jeebus, sometimes it is a war) I hope you're doing well, thinking positive.
saebrielle- " I eat and eat and eat. If I'm not eating, I'm thinking "hey! I COULD be eating!" I get incredibly strong hunger signals. I hate myself. I don't know how to stop this. I don't understand why this has happened. Has anyone gone through this in the transition out of anorexia to wellness?" Yeah, I have a problem with thinking about food constantly. It seems that the less I am allowing myself to eat, the more I think about it. If I'm not eating, then I am obsessively planning my next meal or "snack" or whatever. Those are the bad days. I think it's just part of the whole vicious cycle of ED. (apologies for the cliche). The important thing is NOT to hate yourself, struggling with an ED does NOT make you a bad person. Now I just need to practice what I preach, lol.
As for me, I'm kind of in limbo. I haven't purged in a month (yay!). BUT I have binged (boo!). I still have negative thoughts and compulsions. My best friend, a pro-ana fashion major who recently gained some weight herself, commented that I wear everything too tight, which I took to mean that I have noticeably gained weight and my clothes don't fit. But sometimes she just says things like that to make herself feel better, so it's hard to tell. Ugh. Anyway, I'm holding onto my control by a thread, but it seems positive.
How is everyone else doing? ((((((ED Busties))))))
Nov 11 2007, 10:26 PM
I obsess over food like none other. I get anxiety about food related events, and I spend hours looking at "food-porn" blogs, even though I don't let myself eat any of that stuff.
This weekend, my bf's parents visited and brought massssss amounts of "bad" food, and I just about had a panic attack, knowing it would be in the house, and feeling guilty for ruining their kind gesture.
(((((Everyone))))) I hope things are going well.
Nov 15 2007, 02:50 AM
I just binged like some kind of animal this week. I'd been so proud of being very very thin. and then I just ate a bunch of meat which I never do and now I can't stop binging on chips and things in order to stave off the horrid thoughts of loneliness and suicide and things like that I know I should be strong enough to live through.
Nov 15 2007, 09:04 PM
Ophelia: I know it doesn't make it better, but we've all done it. You can't do as much damage as you'd think in a week. I wish there was something to say to make it better, but I know that sometimes you just regret it and thats that. Sometimes I'll go for a long walk and then write in my journal to try and sort things out. It will be okay.
Nov 16 2007, 02:44 AM
opheliathemuse: sounds like you're binging on certain foods because your body is lacking nutrients in addition to the compulsion of the disorder. i've read and learned that specific cravings typically mean your body is lacking [iron, sodium, lipids, etc]. i know that doesnt seem to help matters.. but just something to keep in mind as another reason to eat a closer to balanced diet even if you are restricting.
Nov 18 2007, 09:15 PM
see, I try extra super hard to make sure I have a SUPER balanced diet since I am a veg and multiple health issues, but around my period I go insane with cravings, and generally for meat especially.
It kind of coincides with anxiety and depression too.
Thank you for responding knorl and Sparrow =)
Dec 6 2007, 09:24 PM
I am stuck in a bad cycle of eating too much and beating the hell out of myself at the gym. I'm hungry because I do so much, but I feel like I have to do it because I eat so much. Damn cycle. I need a break.
Dec 7 2007, 11:08 PM
Oy. I just sort of ate way more than I meant to today. oops. No exercise has been making me really nervous.
Sparrow, maybe try it a little bit at a time? I know it's really really hard to hold onto the knowledge that eating and working out are both normal things and do not have to interconnect so much....eating should be enjoyable. Working out should be enjoyable. I'm on this kick where I'm thinking of things in terms of very zen-like moments. Enjoy. Own the moments. Do not control. But experience. I'm rambling on but I know where you are and it's so very hard to just tell that section of your head to shut the hell up and enjoy the ice cream until you feel done with it or exercise until your muscles feel exercised, not aching.
Dec 8 2007, 10:06 AM
maybe: are you drinking enough water? i've read before that many times our bodies misinterpret thirst for hunger..? especially if you work out a lot and are super active, you're going to want to stay hydrated.
ophelia: good call. i've found that to be the most helpful as well, having a more peaceful state of mind. it is all connected for sure. i'd say continue on in that direction...
Dec 28 2007, 08:24 PM
I don't know if this is the right thread, but when I get really stressed I binge eat. I just got into a huge fight with my brother and I ate about an entire box of chocolates. When I get stressed at school I tend to head straight for the ice cream and eat an entire tub of Ben&Jerry's Half Baked. I can't control it, it feels completely involuntary. I hate that I do this to myself, but I always do, and i don't think I can change it.
Dec 28 2007, 08:37 PM
you can change it lananans, if you really want to. but if you tell yourself you cant, you wont be able to. you have to believe in yourself and know that how you respond to stressful situations isnt helping matters. what we emotional eaters have to learn is how to control our emotions and apply them appropriately to situations. if you feel it is a serious complication in your life, i would suggest psychotherapy or hypnotherapy... but if you dont see it as that big of a deal, i'd say just try to remain more conscious of your feelings the next time you reach for a box of chocolates.
Dec 28 2007, 08:42 PM
thanks knorl. I know I can... I just get discouraged. Its not to the point where I need to seek treatment, I'm going to try to get back on track after the New Year... tonight was just an especially bad night and my mom had given me a stocking convieniently filled with chocolate. Thanks for the encouraging words, it really helps.
Dec 30 2007, 10:19 PM
I also binge eat when stressed. I'm trying to make a list of things that are better to do that binge, but sometimes in that mood it's had to control. I find that therapy is helping. I realize it's the holidays, and it's a stressful time. I ate a whole carton of ice cream yesterday, because I was mad at Mcgeek and pissed off at my job, whatever excuse to fill in blank. I then worked out for an hour, and threw up.
Jan 1 2008, 02:41 PM
relapsed!! last night and i'm going to again in a little bit. i've been taking antidepressants that have nullified my appetite lately... and i've not really taken them these past couple days... so my cravings have been huge. only good foods like fresh veggies... nuts... tuna... chicken... whatever... but voracious nonetheless. add alcohol and that was all i did whenever i could last night. it was so annoying being excited about food and eating again
. i havent been that way in like two years. so i just got done binging. about to purge. do i have to? no. do i want to? no. but i hate hate hate this full feeling!! and i dont want to put on weight when i've been so good about controlling my eating and exercising. arg. this will pass.
how is everyone else? especially with the holidays?
Jan 2 2008, 09:54 AM
so i'm thinking i was stress eating.. because even though i had a large appetite, i was not inclined to binge. i also did not enjoy the act of eating so much. it was just that i was overly hungry, which could also have a lot to do with my holiday partying. hmm.
update. i've not fallen off the wagon. it was just a temporary thing i felt like i needed to do. now that i'm recovered, i see that i do not enjoy the cycle at all. it brings me no pleasure and no pain. it does nothing for me except alleviate the anxiety i felt about eating too much. what i see... is that hunger pangs fade and as long as i eat healthy and consistently, i have no reason to freak out about putting on excessive pounds.
Jan 2 2008, 10:52 PM
Bad night. Doing some binging. I'm hoping this is also a temporary thing. I'm fighting a lot with my boyfriend, and I'm just getting over the whole holiday thing. I got very depressed, hence the binging. I'm hoping I don't purge. Yet, I've gained a lot of weight over the holidays, and it pisses me off. argh!
Jan 10 2008, 05:26 PM
Ok I feel like a bit of a fraud here but I'm starting to worry about how much I think about food. I started when I split up with my old boyfriend. I was working most days until 1 or until 8 and I wouldn't eat then I'd go home and eat a slice of toast then go out drinking and dancing most nights or sit in a cafe smoking and drinking black tea. I lost about 2 stone. Then I started seriously watching what I ate. Porridge for breakfast, black tea at work, oat cake and a stock cube for lunch and then some fruit and a slice of dry toast for dinner. Then my ex took me out to dinner and told me he was seeing someone else. I ran out of the restaurant, got home as fast as I could and ran to the bathroom to make myself sick. I've always been a fat girl so my Mum was pleased at first when I lost weight but then she rarely saw me eat anything and the pained faces I'd pull when I had to eat infront of my her and my Father really worried her. She got my brother to have words with me which shook me up. I started eating again. Badly.
I eat and eat and eat and I've went back up in weight some bit. Although my clothes still fit me from when I first lost the weight every time I look at myself I feel fatter than I was before. I think about every meal and every mouthful but it doesn't stop me from eating bad food. I'm not talking just white bread and the odd biscuit here and there I'm talking sugar, ice cream, chips the works. I hate myself for it and although I'm madly in love with my boyfriend I'm starting again to think every time he seems even slighty off with me that he's starting to pull away because I'm getting so fat. I hate it. I never used to care what people thought of my weight.
I feel like if I don't take control of my emotions pretty soon I'll be purging and self harming again but there is a major part of me that thinks "well good, it's better than getting any fatter".
I guess I just wish I knew someone in my position who was a big girl with food issues then maybe I wouldn't feel like such a faker.
Jan 11 2008, 01:10 PM
owl: you are not a fraud by any means. issues with food is issues with food. you may be surprised to know that most bulimics are not underweight, which makes it harder to detect when someone has this particular ed. preoccupation with food and having a poor relationship with it is not good for anyone. especially for someone who used to feel more comfortable in their skin than not. it sounds like you've got more going on with your self esteem and self perception than just your weight. it sounds like your weight is like an "easy out"... or something you can focus on to validate your negative feelings about yourself or your relationship. i would explore those feelings..determine what it is -really- that's bothering you about your man and the dynamic between the two of you, and then communicate that with him. sound pretty accurate? i dont want to assume.......
boo. so i binged/puked again a couple days ago. stress eating perhaps, or drunk eating. because i've only relapsed three times, two of which i was drinking. being sober, i'm conscious and aware of my eating and what i want.. but when i'm drinking, food tastes so good and then i get it in my head that i *can* puke simply because it's not so abnormal to puke while partying. that's awful i realize. just have to remember at all times that the more i do it, the more it will be easy for me to fall back into that pattern/lifestyle and it is something that i do not want at all. what i'd rather have... is to be able to maintain my recovered state and apply myself to greater things. so yeah.
Jan 11 2008, 02:31 PM
Jan 24 2008, 12:22 AM
ey loves. here's a good website with much information on ed's - mayo clinic
specifically: anorexiabulimiabinge eating
and a related topic:body dysmorphic disorder
Apr 4 2008, 10:43 PM
how has everyone been?
just a quick thought i wanted to share that i realized on my run tonight.
when i was all heavy in the ed i used to think that healthy=fat. now that i'm getting stronger i feel that healthy=empowered. i think that is a very significant shift in perception that i feel is worthy of recognition..
Oct 23 2008, 07:19 PM
I've started getting my kicks from starving myself again. It seems to me that the only way I feel happy is by eating less and less each day. I don't want to stop and that's scary.
Tonight I drank 6 vodkas on an empty stomach and i'm actually in pain. I swore off drink but didn't think to eat.
This road only leads to disaster.
Oct 29 2008, 10:36 AM
I've been doing that as well(starving), then binging. It's a vicious cycle. I think it has to do with stress (my parents are coming up, and my mother is always on me about my weight). I HATE the holidays.
How is everyone doing?