Help - Search - Members - Calendar
Full Version: The Newlywed Thread--NOT Love and Puppies?
The BUST Lounge > Forums > The Mating Game
msgoofball...just from lurking, it seems that you frequently "go off" or chew out your hubby. Are you stressed from school? is he that irritating? It just seems that there is not a lot of kindness between you. How long have you been married?
Jazmyn, I assume you have good intentions, but this thread is for venting & communing. Not judging. The title of the thread indicates that this is a space for talking about the experience of being newly married and how it isn't always a bowl of cherries.

Like I said, I'm sure you mean no harm, but your post comes off a bit judgemental.
thanks kari for the back up...but let me explain jaz...

this is a venting site..and my posts are pretty random cuz i randomly and usually with a good reason post here. i vent on this site which is its intention and reason for its existance. every relationship has some problems...ours happens to be communication which takes daily work. is not perfect nor am i trying to 'fix' him.

i also am having issues with my own independence and how much time i have to commit to him/myself.

hopefully that will clarify some things.
sorry all, will relurk

suitably chastised :-)

no judgement was intended!
Turbojenn, I officially separated our laundry baskets. I feel a little bad but my mom told me to. She said once you start doing their laundry they never, ever will again. I trust her because she has always been a fantastic and caring wife and mother, so if she doesn't do his laundry, I'm not either!

My computery husband liked the Husband 1.0 thing a lot. Of course it is kind of cliched and retro but sometimes things are just funny!

Karianne, I started this thread, and actually it is supposed to be about judging.

Good, I love judging threads! :-)

No need to lurk, jazmyn. I didn't mean to come on too strong about your post, I suppose I am just sensitive about the topic. You are welcome here.

How's it going for everyone? It's good for us, I think things are ironing themselves out.
aquagirl, that was great.
It's new to me to hear being a newlywed as being equated to love & puppies b/c I've been surrounded by a lot of people telling me "The 1st year in the hardest."

However I suppose just maybe that I live in my naive little world where I figure this won't be the case for my fiance & I when we get married next March just for the fact that we've been living together for 4 years this July.

So I'm just curious I guess how many of you lived with your husbands prior to marriage, if any, that are experiencing the 1st year is actually the hardest thing?

I am definitely glad that we have gotten the chance to live together before marriage. So maybe in a way getting married won't have that whole NEW feeling to it b/c in a lot of ways it is like we are already married, it's just not a legal thing yet. But I remember moving in with my fiance and what a freaking shock some things came to me as and I just can't imagine now going through them AND being newlyweds at the same time. I would have died lol And some of them were just little things too...others big things.

I clearly remember going grocery shopping for the first time together, and how pissed I was that he didn't see the point in buying bottled water lol
Feeling frusturated that he didn't feel my telepathic vibes that I was in the "mood" lol
Realizing that little Susie Homemaker wasn't half the fun I thought it would be
Planning a huge move that was stressful on us both

Some of those things were petty yes, but the bigger things like the would have freaked me out if we had just gotten married and were butting heads and going through those things the first time. We've been through a lot together now, and even though I know there are many new things we are going to experience together in life...going through what we have already I really feel confident going into marriage knowing that we'll be able to handle whatever.
welcome skandelouslala! i lived with mr. gb for 5 years and still the 1st married year was the hardest...because of all the wedding prep, the family events, etc. while i will agree that living together does prepare you for little things and habits, it does not prepare your for the family influence and all the choices that 'a couple' must make together. or that was my situation. yours may be entirely different.

how about some suggestions of 1st year issues that came up from our newlywed busties??? i know u are lurking...
Mr K & I have been married about 7 months. I think our first year has been relatively smooth, there have been a few bumps. We didn't live together prior to marriage. We dated 4 years.

I think one thing that has helped us a lot is keeping our money separate. I think we will eventually join it, but right now is not the time.
Thanks for the welcome msgoofball!

It's interesting for me to hear from your perspective. I see where you are coming from though. I already see things happening in our lives with the wedding and all that where I see us having to come together has a seperate unit away from our families when we've been used to be associated with our families our whole lives to some extent but now we are creating our own family unit. I have no idea if that made sense lol...
I guess I'm not a newlywed anymore, as we're coming up on our 4 year anniversary, but Turboman and I lived together for about 4 years before we got married, and had been together for 7 at the time of our wedding. Our first year wasn't really harder than any other, and for us, it was nice that our families finally accepted us as a unit, and we could sleep in the same bed at their houses! Really, that was a nice thing, as being around our families really stresses me out, and I need as much comfort as I can while there.

Ditto Kari on the keeping money separate....we've never once fought about money. We are starting the conversation about shifting how we contribute to household expenses. We've always split 50-50, because it was important to me. But I make a lot less than turboman, so I'm always draining my bank account by the end of the month, and he's got a nice savings. So, I think its time to redistribute our contributions to match our percentage of the household income.
We're in the same situation turbo, except that he has acess to my account and I do not have acess to his yet due to a bankruptcy. But we have sort of handled it where we pay all of our bills out of Mr. Pixie's account except a select few and then all of the food, living expenses, and discresionary spending comes out of my account. We kind of figure you can't negotiate bills, but we should be checking with each other before spending the rest of our money. So far it has worked out pretty well. We have only been together for about a year and a half...and lived together for about the last year.
So far everything is going fine.(how much can you really fuck up in 4 weeks?)He is just terrified right now that he won't get a teaching job before summer ends and will have to settle for a job he hates and he's very worried that I am going to be disappointed in him and he doesn't want to be like my exhusband. It will never happen, but there is no convincing him sometimes because he is the born worrier.
turbojenn- I was in the same situation w/ my husband... we both contributed equally to the house expenses though I made far less. Finally, we started talking about it, and realized how absurd it was and how tough it was on me (to not be able to save money), and now calculate our contributions based on our total income and the percentage of that total that each of us earns. As Dan Savage wrote in his advice column, paying household expenses 50/50 when your incomes are not equal is what you do when you are roommates, not when you are in a relationship.

But it was still pretty tough for me to accept at first :-)
we are coming upon our 2 year now we can finally talk about
I agree, splitting 50/50 isn't always fair. I make a good deal more than MR K, so I pay all the household bills. Utilities, cable, etc. He pays 1/2 of rent, our car insurance, his share of cell phone bill, & his cc's. He has a lot of cc debt, and I want him to pay it off so badly. That is one of the reasons I took over the household bills, I want all his extra money going towards those damn cards.

you know this is all very insightful. I grew up in a very tradidtional household. My mom is in her 70's and is still horrified when I go out without wearing a slip or hose under my skirts. Anyway, my ex husband and I had multiple bank accounts but they were all joint. Mr. pixie and I only have seperate bank accounts right now because his bank wouldn't add me to his account while I was still going through my bankruptcy. we haven't tried yet now that we are married. And he didn't want to close that account and just use mine. I think eventually we will just have joint accounts but I could also see each keeping a small account for ourselves. For instance, I get a child support check and an equity check from my ex husband each month. That doesn't go into our monthly budget as I believe that money is for me and minipixie. We have occasionally dipped into it for bills(especially when we were paying for the wedding and honeymoon)But He has to ask me before we use any of it.
The Mr. and I just have a joint account. The way things have gone lately, like me not bringing in a paycheck since the hurricane...and the way he handles his finances, which is totally makes more sense for me to handle the finances and combine everything.

Oh, and he owns his own business, so there are times he gets big lump sums for jobs, and if he is left to his own devices, he'll piddle these big amounts away. He prefers to just put those amounts down on the bills, but it would be a pain to track that.

I like being in charge of the money. I'm gonna set us up savings, which he doesn't do, and a retirement plan...I've got to figure out what I'm doing job-wise, and then figure out where I'm gonna roll my 401K funds. And set him up some accounts to contribute to.

At this point, we're in agreement on what our priorities are money-wise...trips and real estate. And our bills are fairly minimal. If things change, I could see changing the way we do it.
today is our 2 year anniversary and i sit here wondering if my life would be better with or without the trouble that is mr. gb..i know i shouldn't think these things but i wonder. maybe my mind is rambling and i am going insane...we have issues to discuss(mostly financial and future goals) and i am reluctant to get into that arena. (maybe cuz thats where most of our fights stem from). bah.
amilita, my boyfriend and i talk about putting me in charge of one joint account once we are married. in your situation, does your husband take charge of something else to "make up" for you doing the banking? my only worry about my future scenario is that i would get resentful that my mr. wasn't doing his fair share.
laurenann-we also have 1 joint account, that I manage. I guess we don't look at the banking as an "Extra" chore to be made up strength happens to be organization and management, so i do the banking. I also fastidously organize my spices. Moxieman bathes the baby...I hate doing that. It all works out evenly in the end. I do think its critical that the spouse who doesn't manage the money be aware of the money and the system all the time, though. That avoids any and all power struggles or fears of "what if something happened to me...".
Laurenann, he doesn't do anything specifically to make up for me taking charge of the banking...and overall, I'd say we are still working out division of labor issues. But I feel like having our money managed in a way I'm comfortable with is important enough for me to do it under any circumstances...he's not organized like me, forgets stuff, etc. And like moxie, I'm naturally good at that kind of thing.

And it so happens that I'm not working now, so I feel like I should be doing all the cleaning, banking, etc. He usually does all the dishes, but I've been doing them lately, too.

I can also be controlling, so I like to be in charge of the money. It's tricky, all this stuff.
I'm with you, amilita - I manage the household account because I'm the more organized member of the household...I don't really regard it as a chore though - I pay bills exclusively online, and aside from writing a check for the dog walker, well...that's pretty much it. Not much chore to it.

Turboman and I are going to talk finances this week. I'm tired of being broke, and him having a hefty pad in his account. I'm tired of worrying about money, when he doesn't have to...and panicking that we can't takes as long a vacation as we'd like to, because my bills are stacking up against me...I hate that getting new contacts and lenses in my glasses makes me broke for three months. If we're a partnership, it needs to be a partnership financially too.

And I am finally getting more proactive about looking for a new job - its time for me to be paid better as well...and then we can re-evaluate again.
i guess the other point i wanted to make, and turbo just reminded me of, is that any wealth or debt that either of us have we accumulated together, since we've been together since our school days. Our household income has always been "ours" since we moved in together right out of school. I think that knowledge made it much easier to officially combine our finances when we got engaged. We probably could/should have done it sooner than that, but the impetus to buy a house (coincided with the engagement) was really what pushed us towards combination.
msgoofball finally agreed with me that we need to start saving so he opened a savings acct and between the two of us..we can save $500 a month if we really try. or more if we scrimp a bit. hopefully we can save 10 grand by december 2007(thats our date to get out of my parents house) and if we actually do it, my parents have offered to match that--but only if we get 10 grand or more. its gonna be hard but so worth it in the end.
msgoof....try getting an ING direct account - they automatically take the money out of your checking and stash it in a savings account - no thinking involved! And the APR is much better than anything you'll get at a brick and mortar bank. ING is the only way I can save, and everything else just gets adjusted around it.
Msgoof, that is awesome! I second Jenn on the ING acct. That is the only way I can save too.

Do you guys ever have days or strings of days where you just aren't connecting with your spouse? I am having that right now. I think it's my fault though, I've been feeling irritated lately. I hope it ends soon.
oh yes...somedays you completely connect to the point of finishing each others thoughts/sentances and others you are like 'who are you and what have you done with my hubby?'...yeah i have those quite a bit. its good right now.
yeah, and sometimes, I feel like I just have a male roommate, when we don't talk alot and just go about our days by rote...we're doing good right now, keeping things balanced. But the slumps happen, and for me, moreso in the winter when I get all shriveled and crabby from lack of natural light.
Well I am bitch some more!

Mr K & I got into it this weekend. He has been staying out late a lot lately. Not out at bars, more like at friends houses. Is it wrong of me to not want him coming home at 4 or 5AM? I am fine with it every once in a while, but it irritates me when it is more often. When it happened this weekend, we had been somewhere together, I had to go home around 1AM b/c I had class the next day. Mr K & a girlfriend of mine stayed at our friend's house to continue playing poker. He knew I really wanted him to come home early, he said "Oh, no, I'm not staying out late tonight, I'm only staying here another hour." Which would have put him home by 2, 2:30 at the latest. Fast forward to 5AM. I was SO pissed. I just felt like he knew how I was feeling & he still decided to stay out as long as he wanted. Last weekend it was 4AM. Part of me just wonders if my schedule sucks so bad right now (Work M-F, school all day Saturday) that I'm just cranky that he gets to have fun. I don't know though. We made up, BTW. I got home from class on Saturday & he had gotten me flowers, wine, & a sweet card.

Do any of you have issues with your spouse staying out late? I think my dilemma is I would like him not to do it as much, but I fear becoming the nagging wife who doesn't let her husband have any fun.
I don't think there is anything wrong with you getting upset about that. Was there anyone else with him and this friend? Honestly, even if it was perfectly innocent...lots of affairs happen between friends because it is convient. Beyond that, married adult people do not need to be out partying with friends till 5 am.Period. What can you do at 3 am that you couldn't do earlier in the evening? Also if one spouse has to leave early, I think it is right that the other leave too.
/engaged person delurking

Karianne, it would bug me too... but I think you have to figure out what precisely is bothering you about him staying late. Pick the battle, you know? If my mister stays out late it usually bothers me most because he wakes me when he gets in. If he hasn't rung to let me know where he is, that seriously pisses me off. Otherwise I don't mind, but then again I probably go out more often than he does.

Pixie, I dunno. I think it's okay if couples (married or otherwise) socialise separately sometimes. It cuts down on potential resentment on leaving earlier/later than one wants to.

I don't have the stamina to stay out until 5am. :-)
Turboman and I live on entirely different schedules - he's a night person, I'm a morning person. I want to be in bed at 10pm, no matter what night it is, and he's happy to stay up until the wee hours, at a friends' house or just playing video games at home. I think for us, the bottom line is that we just treat each other respectfully about what we each want to do. That means undressing in the bathroom, and just tiptoeing into bed in the quietest way possible, and for me, laying out my dog walking clothes in the bathroom the night before so I can just slip out early and walk the dog. But, I do ask that turboman be willing to be up and about by around 10am so we can enjoy the weekend together.

And Turboman and I do alot of things separately, it just works for us. I don't really want to hang out with many of his guy friends, as we don't share interests, and likewise for many of my we do spend a lot of time socializing separately, or if I make an appearance at a BBQ for friends of his I don't care for, I do leave early, and I'm happy to leave him behind to enjoy himself, and then I have some time alone to myself.

But, however your relationship and social schedule works, I'd just say its important for everyone to be in communication about what is happening, and how you feel about those plans.
pixie, i didnt get the impression she was worried about a possible affair. but maybe she was.
I'm not saying you can't socialize seperately...But I have been in her position where my ex husband would stay out or stay up online till all hours. And I also know where that led maybe I'm projecting.
But if it bothers you, you need to let him know. I personally do not sleep well if my SO is not home, and I've always been that way even before there was a problem in my previous marriage. I don't feel safe, and I'm a light sleeper so someone coming in at 5 am is going to wake me up. And it is really inconsiderate to tell you he would only be an hour and end up staying much, much longer.
i think its fine that he goes out while i go and sleep cuz i need it...but he should be considerate and call...and we've had many arguments about this...if you are gonna be period. because its inconsiderate and rude if you don't.

the other nite after hanging out with friends, he dropped me off at home and then went to hang out with the guys and possibly go to the pub. but the guys decided that they didn't want to go to the pub so he called to tell me that he was going to be at the shop and would be home late. he didn't have to but he called to keep me informed cause its what we decided upon. and it works for us. you have to find out what works for you. plus, its also about trust.
No, no, not at all worried about anything between my friend & my guy. They were at my mister's friend's house with the friend & the friend's gf. It had been the 5 of us, I had to leave.

The current issue..I think a lot of things are contributing to my anger/upset feelings.
1. He told me he'd be home in an hour, he was home in 4 hours. No call.
2. When he tells me he's going to be home around a certain time & I wake up way past that time & he's not there, I panic. The friends' houses are sort of far away, one night coming home he witnessed a car wreck, I don't know I just worry. Usually a good % of the people who are out at 3 or 4 AM driving have been drinking.
3. I told him how I felt, I just really would have preferred he come home earlier that particular night & he stayed out late anyway. I just felt disregarded.

We talked about it, I think he gets it. I just wondered if others felt that way about their spouse staying out so late-or am I overreacting.
I totally feel the same way! Mr. Pixie and I talked about it a bit at lunch...even he said it just doesn't seem appropriate to be out late with friends of the opposite sex if your wife is at home expecting you. All 4 of the things you mentioned in the current issue are things I went through with my ex. It used to really bother me because after he had been out later than I expect, I would try to call and he wouldn't answer so then I would get worried about accidents..or doing things you shouldn't. Even earlier in the evenings...if I was cooking dinner , I needed to know when to expect him so I could have things ready at a decent time. It's about respecting each other.
I do agree with Msgoofball that you have to fins soemthing that works for both of you.
For Mr. Pixie and I ...we usually don't go out without each other late at night. And if we are going to be later than planned we call each other.
i definately think your husband should call if he is going to be home much later than planned. you are accountable for each other and need an idea of where the other one is in case (maude forbid) something bad happened. also it is just considerate to let you know about his whereabouts!

This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.
Invision Power Board © 2001-2016 Invision Power Services, Inc.