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Full Version: *sigh* ........the depression thread
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Good for you Muffy. One of my favorite sites to find yoga classes is "yoga finder." Then I call the places around me and ask about a free class. 'Cuz I'm poor and I want to make sure I like the instructor and she doesn't make me do head stands!
I had the same kind of issue before of wondering if people really liked me. But lately I've actually had a stronger feeling of self confidence and y'know what? As cheesy as it sounds, I think that people actually do like me.
snarky: that sucks. sorry to hear it. you're probably just being too hard on yourself... i agree with what muffy said about nurturing friendships vs competitive. i tend to be friends with women who are a lot like me so that negates any sort of competition. but i do completely understand the whole "odd girl out" dynamic. i'm not friends with a whole ton of women for this reason, because i do feel typically women still carry this fear into adulthood and respond to eachother in this manner. anyway. i'd say, instead of getting down on yourself, perhaps acknowledge the fact that you've got amazing friends and let that be your confidence to know that they obviously like you for who you are. having super great friends, imo, is more reaffirming that anything else.
I was up all night with anxiety last night. I think I'm being pushed to my limit right now. With the holidays coming up and moving this weekend and a new job starting on Monday and still having to finish stuff (like writing articles and finish the testing) for my current job while at the new job and not having a single free weekend day from now until January. And going back east to see my partner's family is EXHAUSTING at Christmas and they just keep feeding us huge meals since they all want us for various holiday events which stresses me out food wise (I have issues there). Then he pulls the "oh I don't think we'll have time for a run while we're there" which is just not an option for me if he wants me to be somewhat sane. I've tried telling him how stressed I am going back there and while is is super understanding about everything else he just doesn't listen to this. And so with all this I was panicy all of last night. And what was I obsessing about last night in my state? The wedding. Did I mention that in my list of stress factors? Yeah the wedding in the summer. And I was worrying about everything and that we haven't done anything for it and that it's looming and I have no idea how to go about getting anything we need and that Triboy isn't listening to me most of the time about it and just leaving it all to me to deal with and I don't think I can and that right now trying to talk to him is freakin' impossible because of the goddamn football games which are ALWAYS on and I would love it if we could just NOT watch EVERY SINGLE ONE. GAAAAAAAAAAA.....

calm blue ocean calm blue ocean. I'm not going to get any work done to day in this state. I want to go hide in my bed and not deal with anything. Can I hide under my desk instead?
Has anyone tried using affirmations? Like plainly saying to yourself "I use my time efficiently" or "I am a responsible person", etc, making sure not to use the words "will be" or "will do"-the goal is to try and convince yourself that you are responsible (or whatever), to kind of "trick" your brain into believing these things. So you're not promising to do or be these things in the future, you're stating that you are that way right now, that you always were, as if you live your life that way.

I've tried to do it a little lately. And it says a lot that every time I try to do it, I feel a pretty intense anxiety. It almost feels like it might work a little too well, but I might actually be afraid of realizing these things. If I can clear my head enough to make these statements and mean them, then I think it could work.

I was just wondering because they seem like an easy way to give yourself a boost and maybe help change negative thought patterns, which I have plenty of.

running, I hear you on the boy's football games...and not listening...ugghh. You should get a Tivo so the games can be paused or even recorded~
We have the Canadian Tivo but he LOVES all things sports. I'm getting him cordless headphones for Christmas. Which is a bit of a cheat since they really are for me smile.gif

I had a friend calm me down a bit. But I'm still pretty worked up.

The affirmations scare me. I hate committing to things because I feel so angry at myself if I don't finish it. So I think "will do" statements might be a bad move. I think I need to actually start talking to someone about my negative thought patterns and why I feel the way I do about myself. Until I get extended medical I'll pretty much up the creek without a paddle for that one though.
humanist77, I've tried to write down things that made me happy that day. I read about it somewhere. It was in some article online about ways to make yourself more happy or achieve happiness. Its like a little boost of confidence, most times I find myself writing things like I took a nice bubble bath & hung out with friends.. but I realized those small things made me happy.
I'm totally going to try the affirmation thing. I've read a lot about it and my shrink has tried to get me to do it. I think if you name something, it's spinning around you, like a gentle reminder. Thanks!
I hope it helps for you, Kayla : ) I think it's best to take it slowly.
I'm trying it little by little. When I say something like "I am a peaceful person", or "I am a responsible person" to myself, I immediately feel a little more peaceful..or responsible-whatever it is. If I say it plainly, almost frankly, as if 'duh, I was like this all along' then I think I'll start to believe it.
I know it has a kind of corny connotation "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me"...but it could be a powerful mental exercise, a way to help reverse negative thought patterns that keep us back.
This is the first thing they taught me in massage school, and I'm beginning to see why..5 years later~

runningwestward, they scare me too. But more because I'm as scared of success as I am of failure. ("I am not scared of success"..or rather, to avoid negative statements, "I welcome success" or "I look forward to success"...sorry, just trying to counteract that thought) You have to remember though that it's not really a promise, it's more like a reminder. It's also specifically better *not* to say "will do" because that can feel like too much pressure or commitment. Try to phrase things in a positive way-"I use my time efficiently" instead of "I do not waste time".

Muffy, at some point I began doing that too. I was on hormonal b.c. last summer and at my worst point, and I didn't even know that it was the hormones making me feel that way. I had to force myself to write down things I was grateful for because it was the only thing that I could hold on to. Then I went off the pill and felt much better.

Right now I'm extremely stressed and not getting anything done, so it's piling up and getting worse. It's a vicious cycle.

*I do stay on top of things*
(not "I will stay on top of things")

take care, ya'll~
humanist - I understand the part about being extremely stressed and not getting anything done. It's exam time for me right now and I just took a three hour nap instead of studying. Why? When I get really stressed, I sleep, I just completely shut down. And now I have even more to do tonight because I didn't do anything earlier. Great.

The affirmations thing sounds smart, because I'm often thinking I'm not good enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not this I'm not that, but thinking the other way around would be better, definitely going to try it.
ugh, I know lananans! Exams for me too, and I just don't want to face the books right now...

*I do enjoy studying*
i wonder if there is anyone who is free from negative thought patterns, insecurities, feelings of inferiority, or self defeating thoughts.......... you know?
I wonder about this too. If they are, in fact, free from these thoughts---do they have enough reflection and improvement in their behavior? Or do I just tell myself that these thoughts are productive, but instead they are just exhausting.
of course there isn't anyone like that, but I think many people dealing with depression tend to have them more often and more destructively. At times when I haven't been depressed or so stressed out, most of my thoughts were either neutral or positive.
i called the suicide hotline today, not because i'm going to do anything, but because i keep thinking about it. and all they do is say,

"Oh it sounds like you're confused. Sounds like you care about people and wish they would reciprocate." No kidding. I know that. I just want someone to solve it for me, and hold my hand. argh.

sorry for just jumping in here cold. i'm usually in the mating game threads.... but of course that doesn't belong there.
Glassk - have you told anyone? have you seen a doctor? Even you FP/GP can help. They want to know that you are having these thought so that they can help you get the help you need. You are always welcome in here to open up and talk. We can do a little hand holding. At least it's somewhere you know someone will "listen" to you.

are you alright? Do you have a regular psychologist or counselor or something? In my experience with professionals, they always ask if I've been having any suicidal thoughts.

I hope you're okay, just know that we're all here for you.
i told my roommate a month ago, but then i felt i was burdening her so I made an effort not to. I have an appointment on wednesday, but i'm scared- it's through my school-

thanks you guys
i keep telling myself "just hold on a little longer" and it always works. only a few more days till winter holidays.
glassk, don't be scared. I mean, I know it can be a bit scary to finally open up and be honest about your feelings but trust me, it feels so much better once you get them out. I've been seeing a counselor through my school and she's pretty good so I hope you have the same luck that I had.

KNORL05 said: "i wonder if there is anyone who is free from negative thought patterns, insecurities, feelings of inferiority, or self defeating thoughts.......... you know?"

My first thought was, "Oh, my God, if there is, I'm insane with jealously!" But really, everything that I am, even my depression, has kind of made me who I am. It sounds kinda corny but I think I'm a more compassionate, loving and understanding because of all the things I've been through. I'm just starting to see the light after a major two years under the coveres in the DEPRESSION ZONE. And the better I get, the easier it is to fight off the bad feelings.
kayla, I agree, I mean, I enjoy being a happy person but at least I know what it's like to be really down. I know that I can get through certain things and I think that experiencing depression myself has made me more sensitive to other people who might experience it.

by the way, is that your blog in your signature?
not only that, i think we are more adept at handling life's hardships and minor disappointments. well, that is, once we get help/treatment for the depression. i know for myself not only am i more sensitive and empathetic of other's concerns and situations, i am also grateful for the small joys in life like love of family and friends.. because i've been through so much. so i mean, we can sit here and be depressed about being depressed, but i think we really need to try to see value of whatever it is we go through in life.
CandyCane Girl,
Yeah that's my blog. It sounds sexy but it's really about my depression and trying to overcome it. In two years my cousin died in a really tragic way and then my mom had a nervous breakdown. Me... I just got so depressed it freaked me out. Writing the blog has been so freeing, like I'm telling the truth for the first time in my life. I have always journaled but this is different, maybe because people are so sweet and let me know I'm not alone.

kayla, I just wanted to let you know that I've really enjoyed reading your blog (I'm slowly working my way through the archives) and I think that just about everyone here can relate to a lot of the things you talk about. Especially the staying in bed part!
Thanks so much!!! You made my day, Candy Cane Girl smile.gif
QUOTE(kaylafresh @ Dec 13 2007, 11:44 PM) *
Thanks so much!!! You made my day, Candy Cane Girl smile.gif

Kayla, your blog is so cool!! I had to check it out since Candy Cane girl mentioned it. smile.gif So is yours Candy Cane!!!
Haha, thanks konphusion. I actually have some things to write about but as I said, with school and everything I just didn't have time. However, the semester is now over so I can get to writing!

I've been pretty lucky lately and not feeling depressed but unfortunately I feel horrible physically. I really hope I'm not coming down with something but my head hurts a lot and I feel a bit nauseous. sad.gif
I'm pretty new here, but I wanted to know if any of you are familiar with panic attacks.

I've just had the worst one I've ever experienced- it's lasted for hours and the only thing which has made it subside was writing for pages everything that has me worried in my life, and ways that I can help solve these problems. Normally I can head them off at the pass but this one was a doozy. I was terrified there was something physically wrong with me, even though I knew what was going on. I felt like I was dying.

I guess I just needed to share with someone.
astoreth, yeah panic attacks are scary even when you know that you are in fact having one. I used to get them alot my senior year of college... a few times it was due to maryjane but the rest were due to stress and my total lack of 'burdening' my friends with my troubles. I was usually able to calm myself down but one time my job had to call the ambulance because someone found me on the floor in a walk-in refrigerator hyperventilating. I never ended up going to the hospital by the time the ambulance got there I had started breathing normally and lied and said that had never happened before. I was afraid they were going to lock me away in the psyche ward. Now I usually just end up worrying so much I become depressed over all the things I'm worrying about. I can't figure which was the better option the panic attacks or feeling so depressed I all I wish to do is sleep.

astoreth: yes. panic attacks. for me they began in high school. i've tried to recognize patterns or triggers in my panic attacks so that i can cut them off at the gate. one thing for me is crowd feedback in large rooms... say like restaurants without a whole lot of sound absorption or no music. the way the voices echo off eachother really trips me out. also general or social anxiety can prompt an attack. if i'm real nervous before an event or something, i begin to worry that i'm going to 'go crazy' or have a nervous breakdown or some other irrational fear that would lead to my complete and utter humiliation. also in the midst of an attack i worry that my screwed up brain chemistry (due to drugs, alcohol, toxins, unhealthy choices) is going make me ravel out of control and i'll have no way to stop it. the way i calm myself down is i remember that it's just an attack, and that i've overcome them before.. and this one is not the one that's different than all the rest. also to remember that no matter what happens it'll be ok, that calms me down too. like, oh the fuck well, so i'm crazy. what's the big deal anyway.

ps. on the med tip. doc's got me on celexa.. although when i first started taking it, it caused nausea and whatnot... now that my body's adjusted to it, i like it well enough. anyone else have experience with it?
knorl, I was on it about 7 years ago, and what I remember most was having the most horrific, violent dreams-night after night for several weeks. When I stopped taking it, they went away. weird.
I was a teenager then, so my body chemistry has changed and I am thinking about seeking it out again. Like any psychotropic drug though, I'm scared of further depletion of my sex drive. It seems like one of the most common side effects with most drugs.
I'm on 20mg of Celexa a day. I started off with Paxil but it made me so tired and I gained a lot of weight. The celexa has been pretty good, I don't really have any side effects with it.
humanist: that sucks. same thing happened to me when i was on paxil... or more specificially when i was getting myself off paxil. i would get these weird buzzing noises in my head too. blink.gif vowed to never take that again. after the initial nausea and loss of appetite with the celexa, as with candycane_girl, i've not noticed any other side effects. my sex drive is still intact as well. as far as my dreams are concerned, i do notice they are more clear -but not so much more bizarre as that would be almost impossible- and i remember them in greater detail as well. i realize all drugs affect everyone differently, but that's been my experience with it thus far. have you discussed other options with your doc?
I've heard Wellbutrin is supposed to have a low chance of affecting your sex drive- anyone have experience with that?
Kayla, I love your blog. smile.gif

Polly, I was on Wellbutrin a while back, and it didn't affect my sex drive. The other meds did.

Been really sad the last couple days. I can't figure out if it's the holiday blues or just hormones. I've been crying over everything. Also, my sleep has been bad as well. Then again, my mom telling me that she misses my sister isn't helping.

Glassk, how are you doing?
I was diagnosed with GAD and Panic disorder about 5 years ago. I would get this horrible pains in my stomach, I would breath rapidly and I felt faint. I told doctors that I was in extreme pain and needed something to help me just make through the day. I honestly felt that I had some sort of illness inside my stomach, but the Dr. that I went to at the time said that it was all stress and that I needed to calm down. I was given enough Xanax to keep me pretty sedated for the duration of the day. I decided that I could not function that way. My students began to notice how groggy I was. The Dr. gave me Paxil....The bouts of pain were still coming....they then changed it to Lexapro.....yeah, the medications did absolutely nothing for me, but if I didn't take them I was dizzy all day and I began getting pounding headaches. I was on pain killers galore and the Lexapro.

The stomach issues continued.....after what seemed like dozens of emergency room visits one doctor finally decided to not give up on me. It was found that I had diverticulitis. It had gotten so bad that I had surgery to remove the part of my colon that was infected. It still makes me wonder if I really did have anxiety issues or have the doctors given them to me.

I am now on has worked for me, I take it for headaches and is supossed to have a pain reliever in it. I don't know..... I have tried to take it and I feel awful without it. I feel as if I am walking in sand and my head is going to erupt....I am really scared that I am going to be on meds forever.

How have any of you gotten off meds?
I feel really awful right now. In fact I just cried quite a bit which I hadn't done in a long time. Part of it is my fault, I forgot to take my meds yesterday and today so I just took some. But the other part is that I'm only in town for another few days and my best friend (who I've only seen twice since I've been home) canceled on me. We were supposed to hang out tomorrow but she's busy working and then cleaning cause her bf is visiting. It just pushed me over the edge. I feel like I'm never important enough for my friends to make time for me. I feel like I'll never find romantic love and that the only people who will ever love me are my parents (which I know I should be thankful for but it hurts to feel like no one else cares).

I hate feeling like this and I'm fucking tearing up again as I type this but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I feel so alone most of the time and like no one ever really cares about me or rather, no one cares that much.

sassy-- i'm okay now. for awhile over christmas i was really distant, but i think i'm back on my feet. i hope. i feel alright, and i have counselling planned for the new year. so .... i'm okay. sometimes it's hard to see past the dark parts.

candy-- that "no one cares that much" is what really gets to me too. ((hugs))

i am appreciating reading your comments about drugs, because i'm considering getting some.
I've been really depressed since after Christmas. I can totally understand the "no one cares that much" feelings, because two of my friends bailed on my last week when I really needed them. I'm just in a total shitty mood, and have felt a lot of anger lately. I don't know if it's just due to the holidays (I'm really hating my job, and getting stuck in a rut emotionally). Mcgeek and I got into a huge fight last week because his ex wife called.
I was just sitting there on the futon next to him while he was talking to her, fumming with anger. I wanted to smack the shit out of him. It just hurts because I was beginning to trust him (and maybe begin to love him).

Just been in a "Life fucking sucks" mood lately, and can't shake it.

sassygrrl, the holidays are just not a good time when your not happy to begin with. I understand. I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling.

I've had a crappy year and I think it all caught up to me sometime around October... that is when I kind of stopped sleeping. I get a few hours sleep a night. People keep telling me 'things will get better' I'd really like to know when.

Candy, I hate being like one of the only people I know who is still single. One of my best friends is single, but she never seems half as miserable and lonely as me. I've tried being at peace with it and trying to believe what everyone says, that it will eventually happen. I'd really like to believe it.

happy new year to all.
I'm trying to work out and journal more. That seems to be helping. Yet, I'm glad I'm not alone in this feeling.

I'm hoping 2008 will not be crappy. 2007 was mildly crappy, and I didn't like it.
I'm doing better now. It's funny cause I'm now back at my place where I live alone, but I don't feel as lonely now. It's weird though, after being back home for 2 weeks I miss my family a bit, even though they drive me a bit crazy.

Let's hope that 2008 will be a better year for all of us!

I am really going to try to journal more, it's something that I always put off but I shouldn't. It might sound silly but I like to watch Bridget Jones' Diary as inspiration to write my own journal.

CCG, I'm feeling that way too. I was being around people (mainly Mcgeek) thru the holidays, and now I'm back at my apartment. Normally I'd feel really lonely, but it's not bad right now.

I don't think it's silly. I take inspiration from that movie as well. smile.gif
I hate to say it but it has made me feel better than others are having the New Years Blues. Just in the way that I say to myself, "Okay, this is Normal." What's weird is I have been totally overeating at home. I HATE THIS!!!! It's how I act when I'm depressed. but I am trying to journal and blog about it to get past it. I'M ROOTING FOR ALL OF US!!!
unsure.gif rolleyes.gif

Hey, Ladies,
Here's something I wrote on my Blog and I wanted to share it with you. The beginning (which I didn't include here) is about how I now consider my 2 year depression a gift because it's forcing me to examine and take action on my life now rather than robbing me of more time.

Here's what I wrote:

Depression called me, beckoned me, it said, “I know, it's hard to slow down. It would be so much easier to be moving 1,000 miles an hour, RUNNING HERE THERE AND EVERYWHERE, and never have to think about anything, including how UNHAPPY you are. But how did that work for your mother? Yeah… not so good, huh?

I know you want to be happy, SO JUST STOP. Lay down. I know you're scared because you don't like to be alone with your thoughts. I know it's going to feel like darkness, it will be scary. But in that aloneness and in that quiet, dark space, you will start to hear yourself. THE SELF that's in you. Can you hear it?

“Hey, it's me! WHY HAVE YOU BEEN IGNORING ME? There's things we gotta do! I mean, yeah, we gotta get over David's death and we gotta figure out why you always get into these bad relationships and confront some fears about your Mom. But then WE'RE GONNA GO LIVE IT UP!

“Remember how we used to go on ROAD TRIPS just because? Ooo, and how we'd go to CONCERTS that were sold out, all by ourselves, and scalp tickets and DANCE OUR FACES OFF? How about POOL HOPPING? Oh, and WEDDING CRASHING IN EXPENSIVE DRESSES from Saks Fifth Avenue with the tags still tucked in the back so we could return them???!!! WE USED TO LIVE, LIVE LIVE!!!!

Don't you miss that?”


“She's still there, you just got to listen to me, which is really you, and I'll have you two reunited in no time.”

So yesterday the only person I spoke to all day was the guy at Blockbuster.I'd just selected the five weekly dvd's for $10 and when it came to swiping my card the guy at the counter informed me that I had quite a few outstanding fines.

'Fuck this shit" I thought.Fuck.....this.It ended up being a computer error.The guy erased the fines.But not before I nearly broke down.

I wish I sould erase my life so easily.

Ok so I'm really depressed at the moment.So depressed that if anyone talks to me (friends included) I'll cry.Seriously.I'm not fucking well coping and I have to go to work tomorrow and talk to coleagues and customers and fake it all.I just want to quit and not work and live off junk food and grow fat so then no one will want me and then no one will use me.

But anyway.

So of course at Blockbuster I was looking for Girl Interupted,Prozac Nation and any really depression shit I could find.Girl Interupted wasn't available but Prozac Nation was.I'd read the book and it was a tedious read.Suffice to say the film wasn't much better.But there's a bit more self harm in the film so that kept things somewhat interesting.I also got out a documentary film called Tarnation by Jonathon Caouette.It's a series of short film,sound bites and photo's from Jonathan's childhood.A fucking harrowing doco about his mother's mental illness and him being taken away from her and put into foster homes and being abused.I also got out the doco on Linda Lovelace too that was pretty cool and another doco on the musician Daniel Johnston that I haven't watched yet and Magnolia.

I'm actually dreading leaving the apartment for work tomorrow.

Maybe I'm turning agoraphobic?
kayla, I really enjoyed reading that. It sounds like you're doing a lot better.

datagirl, are you seeing a therapist or anything? I remember when I was the same way that you described. I would burst into tears for absolutely no reason. I still remember one of my profs looking at me one day in class and asking "Are you okay?" I nearly lost it and had to fight really hard to hold back the tears. But believe me, once I started to talk to someone things got a lot better.

Thanks Candycane Girl!

Data Girl, I've been where you have been. When I was really depressed instead of somewhat depressed, it was like I had a social phobia or something - I didn't want to be around anyone. And the idea of going to work, was soooo overhwlming, especially after isolating after the weekend. I hope you can find someone to talk to. That, journaling constantly and getting on a lose dose of anti-Ds was life saving for me.
No to the celexa over here. It works well enough, and I thought I could get down with it, but it turns out its been causing really weird side effects. I wasnt aware that's what was going on until I started having menstrual irregularities. I'm pretty chill when it comes to strange happenings in my body (recovered hypochondriac) so I wasnt too concerned about the abnormal sleep patterns, body twitches, trouble breathing, sporadic ringing in my ears, temporary diarrhea, or loss of appetite... what's really got me concerned is that I have something like a UTI, but it only affects me at night/early morning. It just started the night before last, so I wanted to wait a day before I went to docs. Then it happened again last night, but today I'm fine. It's weird. So with internet research I have found that this is also one of the side effects of the drug. I'm still going to go get tested for a UTI, because it is very likely that I have one, given I'm more sexually active than I have been in about a year.... but I'm just saying. I think menstrual irregularities and urinary trouble is a bit more serious than just minor side effects, so I'm no longer going to be putting this drug in my body.
Im pretty down in the dumps tonight. I'm in that place in life when I have no idea what i'm supposed to be doing, i don't really feel up to doing much of anything really. I can't find a job, and its too late for me to go to school this semester. BLAH... Its like i'm wasting my life here. I'm sick of sitting in the house alone. But I dont wanna go anywhere LOL theres really nowhere to go. My husband thinks I'm just sad.. no, its much deeper than that. I just feel empty and lonely in a room full of people. What the hell is wrong with me?
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