Jul 30 2007, 09:15 PM
I woke up better today. I went to sister's and finished the chair I've been working on. I'm proud of it. It looks real slick. And I went to a sign class. I'm thinking about volunteering to work the night shift for the week at a fire down the road from here. Anyway . . .
How are you all doing? Better?
Jul 31 2007, 08:25 AM
I have been having a hell of a time. I think I have a hold on my depression right now, but not a good seal on it as some stuff is getting through. I am in issue land right now and it is so situational based depression or sadness I should say and I am trying to get through this and I will, but I have moments in my day where I lock myself in the bathroom at work and cry for a good five to ten minutes. It is funny because I quit therapy a few weeks ago and that is when my life got so out of control and now I am back on the therapist hunt because I don't want to go back to my old shrink. He was good, but I need something else. Plus he would cry when I did and I couldn't take that anymore.
Right now it is a relationship that I feel stuck in that I just want to end and a terrible landlady who is so fucked up and those two make up a horrible situation that I swear I must have gotten myself in to.
It really sucks right now and i am trying so hard to get out of it, but it is a day by day thing and I feel just like Snarky7 asked about snapping. I am doing that all over the place. Trying so hard not to fall in to the grips of depression.
Jul 31 2007, 01:31 PM
She calls again. I had to call her back b/c my lunch was at the door. And she rudely was asking "Well, you obviously have people there, so I'll let you go!" "No, mom it's just me and the cat and a pizza." "Well, that's not good for your weight!!"
Everyone I know has a job. And you know I was actually haven't a pretty good day until she called. I thought distancing myself from them was a good thing, but these short and sweet phone calls are really fucking evil.
Princess, I used to cry at work.
I'm going to try to for a walk.
Jul 31 2007, 03:03 PM
Gosh toxic mama anyone? I am so sorry that you had to deal with that bullshit. I can't deal with people like that (including my own family) because it would send me in to a deeper depression. I'd say that your mom saying those things to you is worse that any pizza could be. I'm so angry at parents who treat their kids grown up or not with such disrespect. It is so not cool, (sorry, issues coming out)
I had a cool phone call from a friend today and she helped me talk some stuff out. It helped for the time being.
And the women's clinic called be back and they gave me a few resources for lady shrinks who care (and hopefully won't cry when I do). I'm happyabout that, but not at the fact that I have to work again on my god fucking damned issues and the issues on top of that and therapy is so much work! I'm not sure that I have the energy at this point.
Jul 31 2007, 11:24 PM
fiddle, princess, sassy - we all have the ups and downs in our days. today i'm up (thx for asking, fiddle) cuz of the beautiful flowers and the thoughtful guy who sent them, tomorrow i could be in hell. bleck. princess, glad you found a friend to help and call those counselors...just when i think i'm gonna be okay, i go to just one more session, then one more, then one more...well, you get the idea...
i say this as much to myself as to all of you out there reading this: we busties have to be strong. we are beautiful. we are smart. we have so much to offer to everyone/anyone. anyone who doesn't support us should fuck off - moms included. we are not dead. we are not nobodies. we are not crazy. we are who we are and dammit, i like it that way.
cheers to you all! to the good days...may there be many more where those came from! **toast** **drink**
Aug 1 2007, 11:49 AM
Snarky, good for flowers! Thank you for the encouraging comments. I often forget those. And I have the remind myself of those. We do have support (both in real life and our busties). I'm glad we have each other!
I actually had a really good call from a friend last night. That helped. I also have found some good job leads. I'm having a better day today.
My dad called today. He actually told me that my mom thought I sounded "sad." and wondered if everything was okay. I think he thought my boyfriend an I were fighting or something. Yet, it was good to talk to him. We don't talk much. He's not as toxic as much as my mother anyways.
Princess, I'm glad you found a counselor. My therapist has helped over the last 4 years. I know it sounds weird, but we're become more like friends.
Fiddle, how are you?
How is everyone doing??
Aug 2 2007, 09:43 AM
Glad to hear y'all are evening out a bit and feeling more empowered. seriously fuck those that don't get it or try to just cast you off cause they don't want a "debbie downer" or something. IN fact, I think that reaction is a way of feeling helpless to be of help and/or actually needing a bit of help themselves.. so sorry I dropped off for a bit....
I do have a quick question regarding anxiety.
Can one go to their general doctor and request some sortof xanax like medicine based on physical symptoms of anxiety/stress related problems? My mother confessed to me the other night that she got well-brutrin to quit smoking, but that it helped with her anxiety in general. I've tried low-dose xanax and felt normal and relaxed both times, but still able to function.
I don't want to get a therapist yet cause of the move... but it would be nice to have something calm me down a bit with the transition.
I know I'm pmsing this week, but geez.... I've been just so blah and tired and lazy and unfocused. Thoughts of change and leaving my BL crush and going to a new city and being alone... having to toughen up again for a new job, etc....So, Got a little anxious and a little weepy on Tuesday for no particular reason or trigger that I could figure out... just started getting shortness of breath and that dropping doom feeling in my stomach. What is that?!?
Aug 2 2007, 02:04 PM
My doctor SWORE Cymbalta would not make me gain weight and that there were no withdrawal symptoms. The patient info/insert promised the same thing. But here I am: 17 pounds heavier (I'm on weight watchers and count every calorie, so I didn't gain weight from eating). Also, the other side f/x from Cymbalta were horrible--I feel like I'm on fast forward all the time.
I'm now going off Cymbalta under my doctor's care. He swears that I am exaggerating my withdrawal symptoms, but I am so sick I couldn't make this up. (I'm currently in the process of changing doctors).
Has anyone else gone off Cymbalta? What were your experiences?
I am SO dizzy, spacy and emotional. I have bad insomnia and horrible nightmares and night sweats. I am so dizzy I feel like I am drunk and underwater at the same time. I can’t drive, I can’t stand and I feel completely helpless.
Is it just me?
Aug 2 2007, 03:06 PM
I had terrible Cymbalta withdrawl too. It is a drug you have to be very carfeul when you go off of it. I'm sad that your doc didn't have the common sense to read up on that. (Although if you saw a GP who doesn't specialize in psychotropic drugs, they may not have been aware that Cymbalta has a lot of odd adverse effects, as well as a bad withdrawl. Why GP prescribe it then, I can not tell you.) So, not it is so not you. Cymbalta is a very powerful drug that should be presribed by a psychiatrist and then monitored. If you decide to go off an SSNRI, like Cymbalta or Effexor you REALLY FUCKING NEED TO TAPER or will go crazy. Cymbalta helped me a little last year and didn't have as bad sexual side effects like I had on SSRIs in the past, but they were still there and I went off of it cold turkey and yes, I did go crazy. I tapered off at half of my dose and I liked the not going crazy option a lot more.
Thanks for the toast Snarky! A toat to us all!
I am getting a bit under the weather from all of the stress that I have been under that has helped put me in my bleak mood. I am house sitting this weekend in a very nice, clean empty place and it is just what I need right now, to be away from other people and not be responsible for everything. So nice.
I hope everyone can find a little joy today.
Aug 3 2007, 11:54 AM
I had a good morning. Before work anyways. Good swim in the ocean (freakin' freezing even in a wetsuit) and good coffee and treats after with the team. But I've been slipping ever since. I've been slipping all week though. Just retreating inwards. I'm getting overwhelmed by the word. There was a shooting outside of our place a few days ago (in Canada!!! "no one" gets shoot in Canada). A 17 year old was the victim (he'll be ok). I've just been thinking ever since that my brother is 16 and what the heck was a 17 year old doing out at 3am on a Sunday and the people who did it are still out there. And then just the failings of society just start building up. The missing girls in Europe and Quebec that are on the news (CBC.ca), the homelessness all around my city, the attack on the 79 year old by a panhandler outside of the church down the road... it just seems to be building and getting louder and more invasive and literally closer to my home. Triboy and I are looking half heartedly for a new place. We love our place but not the location now as it's just been a disaster in the last few months here. We only want to move a handful of blocks away. We are just waiting on the perfect place (has be similar to what we have now). The mess on the streets and the frustration of this strike aren't helping. It's just all been building all week and now I'm at home and I can't leave to go to work so I think I'll have to somehow work from home but it's now freakin' 11 o'clock and I've answered one email. I can't focus and I am fighting the temptation to just crawl into bed and hide from it all. We're going over to the island for the weekend for a race. It'll be a relief to get away even to go see the parents. But a friend who I can't be around right now (he's just getting on my nerves lately) has asked to stay with us while we're over there and I can't really say no because my parents really like him and will ask him on Sunday when they seem him at the race why he didn't stay with us so I can't say that they said no. So I'm screening my calls to avoid the whole thing all together. I feel horrible but I just can't deal. I should transcribe these posts into my journal (which I'm horrible at keeping which makes me feel lazy and guilty).
((((((all of you))))))))
Aug 3 2007, 03:27 PM
Had a interesting day. I've heard from some old friends--so that's been good. Two of my old friends from college. We may actually see each other next month.
However, ugh. I thought I finally had a decent job lead. The guy called me, and told me to send my resume, we even talked about setting up a interview. And nothing. I'm just not going to have it ruin my weekend. I did email him again, and emailed the resume. Lately, people haven't been getting attachments (freaking email). I just miss having a job. I wish people didn't fucking lie. This dude just seemed so sincere.
The boy and I are going on a little road trip to get the hell out of dodge. I'm hoping it will lift my spirits some.
Aug 4 2007, 10:40 AM
I am starting to feel hopeless and in the middle of a bigger depression. I feel that it is situational, but the situation(s) that are causing it will not end for a bit. i am starting to snap and be very mean to everyone.
Part of the problem is that I feel responsible for everything if I want it to get done. We rescued a baby pitbull for a fighting ring and can not find her a home and her foster is not responsible and now I am faced with having her euthanized. I can't rely on anyone who has offered help and eveything is messed up and I am getting yelled at. I feel like I have failed. On top of that my unemployeed landlady is trying to play my neighbors and myself against each other, is lying and just being a real cunt, not to mention stupid. i feel like I am losing my grip on each issue and that it is all coming at me at once and I have no idea how I am supposed to deal with it all.
I prolly should go back on meds very soon.
Aug 4 2007, 02:00 PM
breathe.. and then read The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh
Aug 6 2007, 10:18 AM
there must be something about the position of the moon or something.....gah! why is it we have to get all sad and depressed? last night i was having a good snuggle and coming off the high of a very fabulous weekend, and crashed....hard.... to the point of tears... um, WHY? i had someone there who gives a damn about me and still i go psycho and cannot deal.... it really sucks. i'm sure i hurt his feelings too, and that makes it worse... when he asked what was up, i couldn't even explain....
someone needs to start passing out the healing water...dibs on a cup if anyone has some....
(((thinking of all of you)))
Aug 6 2007, 12:15 PM
I'll take a sip outta that cup!
Snarky--I know...it's like-I have this great guy, but the sad poop still happens. I know with me it's the impending move in 3 mths that puts a damper on my heart, feelings, etc. though I know I'm making the right choice. I start thinking about all the crap I don't have together right now, my faults, my mistakes, my fat ass, etc.... and then proceed to watch sad movies (WHY?)... I try not to perpetuate the feelings of depression, but...
I know mine is mostly anxiety, social anxiety, etc.
Beating myself up is something I'm rather good at, I'm afraid. and my crush is so good to me...I start wonder if I NEED someone (a man, that is) to make ME feel good and okay with myself, rather than being able to do so myself. I mean... I am capable of doing things to make myself more happy..but it's not as consistent.
Am I just being paranoid? rargh.
((vibes of positivity flowing from my fingers out to all y'all))
Aug 6 2007, 08:54 PM
i have a crazy theory.
we're too smart for our own damn good. we've got over active minds and we're emotional and perfectionists and that leads us to feel inferior. i think the system/society totally sets us up to fail. honestly how many women do you know who arent neurotic? isnt it kind of coincidental that we're all overly concerned with the same stuff? i dunno. something's messed up. i know when i was a teenager/young adult (this is bad but whatevs) i used to think the only way i would find love is if i were a bit more dumb. so i dumbed myself down. and i became completely neurotic as a result. i doubt i'm the only female who has experienced this. thank god for therapy.
what if we just stopped? stopped caring, stopped worrying, stopped feeling inferior.... i wonder what we would do with ourselves.
Aug 7 2007, 08:14 AM
wow, knorl - talk about hitting the nail on the head. sheesh... the "what ifs" in life are what get me for sure. "what if" he breaks my heart? "what if" i made decision x over y? "what if" they think i'm dumb for what i said? "what if" they find me uninteresting? oh i could go on for hours.... inferiority complex...sure i have that. care or worry too much...always. yeah, quite the thought to take to my therapy session Thursday.....
Aug 7 2007, 09:15 AM
that's not that crazy of a theory. it makes sense that being introspective, seeing things from all sides, thinking through situations, taking other peoples opinions into consideration, having knowledge about all kinds of things, and whatever else would make you depressed and anxious.
(((busties))) it is funny how we sometimes all seem to go up and down together. must be something happening in the world, outside forces that we can't control. personally, right now i am feeling totally overwhelmed with being in a new city. i haven't been sleeping and i feel like i need to do it all as fast as i can. it's this weird manic feeling that isn't exactly new to me, but is very scary sometimes.
Aug 7 2007, 01:43 PM
I think being a perfectionist and a "type A" has a lot to do with it. Do any of you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others as a measure of self worth? I have a really bad habit of doing that and I can't stop. It's interesting because if anyone I knew would do that to themselves I'd be right there saying that it isn't right and pointing out all the good about them. I would talk to a friend nor do I ever feel towards a friend the way I talk and feel about myself. So why is it "OK" for me to be hard on myself and yet if anyone was to treat my friends the way I treat myself I'd probably kick their ass to the moon? And even though I realize this I can't stop this pattern of self abuse.
Anyhow. Am having a good day. A really good day in fact. But it was a roller coaster weekend. I raced on Sunday and it was a bad race. I enjoyed myself (ok other then the constant vomiting all over the dang course... nothing would stay done which led to bonking and just a general mess at the end of the race) but I was really disappointed in my performance. So I've been wrestling with that. The up shot was that it was just a practice race for hte one in two weeks but I'm not sure how much I can really fix in two weeks. Ah well. We shall see. I also had a long chat with my mom about a few things. She still dismisses my MDD and self esteem issues repeatably saying that I wasn't sexually assaulted and there for I should be just fine and not have these problems. I haven't told her about being raped as given the situation I'm pretty sure she'd just blame me for it. She doesn't get that this is a disease not a a true state of mind. It's not rational. I know I have a great life and that things are good and I myself and totally at a loss as to why I am suffering. At one point she asked me if I thought she had been insensitive as a mom. And I just couldn't bring myself to tell her that I think that she is selfish and really never listens to what anyone says. I don't dwell in the past and try to leave it behind but what happens in the past (the bullying and anziety of school etc) has really had an impact on me even now and it's something that I know I can't just bottle up as she told me to do this weekend.
Aug 7 2007, 03:02 PM
Wow, it must be in the moon, you're right. I'm crashing pretty hard lately. Just feel like ass. I hate it.
Aug 8 2007, 06:25 PM
hey running...i can relate. I always compare myself to colleagues, friends, random people walking down the street.... and why? we should KNOW we are fab!
kelkello, hope you are ok.
Aug 8 2007, 08:46 PM
I'm as okay as I'm gonna be. I go through a new emotion on a moment by moment basis.
Aug 9 2007, 09:35 PM
snarky i'm gonna share what my therapist told me about the what ifs.... "i do not believe that your experiences are that much different than others...as far as wishing that this or that were different or if i weighed ___ pounds less or if i were ___ inches taller, If i were not so shy, if i were smarter, if only i had more money,.... we will not be growing in height so therefore we accept that we are the height that we are therefore it is also possible to accept other aspects that most likely are not or will not change. Not accepting also will bring about more disappointments."
i sit here in this head thinking i'm the only one who gets down on myself for not being perfect basically thinking i'm the only one who feels this way and i realize the truth is most people feel this way and it's through our feelings of inadequacy that a whole host of other things is created. we can use to motivate us or make us further depressed. i think once we accept the fact that perfection is not possible we are able to work from reality and then make real progress in our lives.
laurenann, good points! i do concur
Aug 10 2007, 01:07 PM
Knorl good point, but I don't think your theory is crazy. You did hit the nail on the head so to speak. I also compare myself to random people.
Been a odd week. I'm just PMSing. I had an interview (sort of) at this coffeeshop/bookstore, but she wants to see me again this weekend. Then I got really down on myself, because I was like "I went to college for this?" Yet, it will be great to have a job. But doubt and anxiety keep creeping in, and I'm setting myself up for failure already.
Plus, I've just felt very bad about my appearance lately. Bloated and generally crappy. Also, getting off this medication isn't helping.
Broke down and told the boy about my eating disorder finally. He didn't take it badly, but it was a hard thing to share. He was like "So you kicked it right? You don't seem like you have one..." Then I started thinking is it because I don't seem very thin?
Also, have to get my ass to an Al-Anon meeting next week. I'm really scared to go. It's a new chapter in my life--confronting those demons.
Aug 13 2007, 09:37 AM
Interview did not go well. She even criticized that I took public transit, and I basically found out that I'd be working at a coffee shop. I'm really depressed. I wanted to work at a bookstore, not a coffee shop. She even got on me for not having restaurant experience. Um, how hard is it to make a latte? "I thought this was a bookstore." (which is why I applied in the first place). I got in Mcgeek's car, and just started bawling. The woman was a total bitch.
I'm just on a high emotional roller coaster lately. I can't tell if getting off this medication is causing some of this or not. I hate feeling like ass, but I guess the only way is to get thru it.
Aug 14 2007, 11:16 AM
sassy: sorry to hear things have been going so crappy for you lately :`( good for you that you have a degree and you are out there looking for a job doing something you will enjoy. school, imo, is simply meant to enhance you as an individual. it is knowledge that enriches your life and your thoughts. if you are able to figure out where you want to devote yourself and your time through school all the better. i do not look at an education as training to get a job.
i wanted to preface with that because it sounds like you are being too entirely hard on yourself. it sounds like you went into this interview feeling defeated. it sucks you were interviewed by a bitchy woman, it seems like she was just trying to make things difficult for you. but i think we have to remember that on interviews we just have to deal with what we've been given. it's rare we have perfect interview conditions. that's why we need to prepare ourselves as best we can before we go in. if you really want a particular job, i have no doubt you will get it. you really have to believe in yourself and know that what you're doing is what you want to do. but then again sometimes you just have to take a job that you may not like to get you where you want to be.
good luck! hope things go better for you... also what was your major?
Aug 16 2007, 05:12 PM
((sassy)) I'm sorry about the interview. That was a little weird about the bus thing.
Oh what a week. On Saturday I crashed while out on a training ride. I crashed HARD. I'm bruised and gross. I cracked my helmet (I remember my head bouncing on the road). I'm ok. Really. A little stiff but ok. I'm going to try running tonight and I think I'll be fine. I'm racing Sunday so I need to make sure that I work. But the crappy part is that my poor beloved bike (like another arm to me) is out of alignment so we have to send it to the manufacturer to be checked out (since it's carbon fibre) and I'll probably end up having to buy a new frame which is $$$. Crap. So I was thinking that I wouldn't be able to race but now I am since my mechanic pulled a few strings and found me a bike (and a great one at that) to ride for the race. I'm exhausted by all this. I know I should be upset but I don't seem to be showing it or really even feeling it. I feel blah and neutral. It's weird, this is a big deal. But I don't feel anything not even relief at being ok. I can't wrap my head around how bad it could have been and that it WAS bad and that if I don't race this weekend everyone will understand. Instead I am angry about not being able to race and mostly angry at myself for getting in this situation from the beginning even though this was an accident and not something I had control over (see my blog for the whole story and lovely photos of the bruising). I actually feel guilty about feeling so blah about everything and towards the race on the weekend. And that I won't be able to perform as well as I need to get a slot for worlds like I want and in that way I feel like these people have gone the extra mile for me to have the opportunity have done so for nothing.
What's really disturbing to me is that I feel nothing; that I feel so blah about such a big thing. Like I am an automaton. Which is a complete 180 from what I'm usually like.
Aug 27 2007, 08:03 AM
I hope everyone is doing well. I'll take this as a good sign that no one's been posting. Either that or I killed this thread.
((((((all melancholy busties))))))
Aug 27 2007, 08:32 AM
no, you didn't kill the thread. speaking for myself, either i'm tired of saying the same depressed thing over and over again, i've gotten busy, i'm too tired to think of anything clever to say, or i'm doing better - depending on the day. here anyway, fire season is beginning to wind down and i'm taking time to tuck in all the stupid little loose ends that popped out over the last few months. i'm taking lots of time to rest.
Aug 27 2007, 10:07 AM
it's true, we're just quiet. how are you doing now, running westward?
i've had monstrous pms the past couple of days and been crying at the drop of a pin. i need to talk to my doctor about that. i have probs with my physical health and i'm slowly doing better physically, but my hormones seem to be akimbo and i'm so damn sad. there are all these little disappointments that all add up and then i feel like i just want to give up on the human race. i know logically that it's not that bad and that my hormones are making my brain all negativey, but arrrgh.
things never quite go the way i hope or expect, but they will get better. my pms-tinted glasses will leave me soon enough.
Aug 27 2007, 11:13 AM
I'm doing pretty good actually. I handled not being able to race with surprising calm. And a vacation did me a world of good. Going back to the boy's home town for a few days was a little stressful and by the end of it I was starting to close up and retreat a bit. But generally good.
I just wanted to make sure everyone else was still out there. I can totally understand the not wanting to talk about the bad stuff. I think we should also talk about the good stuff here to. Keep tabs on each other through everything. Though I know that it can be hard to read the bad stuff someone else is going through as it can be a trigger. I personally find that being able to even just offer a hug and sympathy to someone else helps me. As does celebrating others good days. So YAY! for busties having good days! And boo! on bad PMS ((Annelise)).
Aug 28 2007, 12:23 PM
I've been crying lately too. But, it may just be general anxiety. I don't know. I'm thinking of moving in with my boyfriend next month, and that's brought up a lot of pain from my past relationships.
Also, the job search, and fighting with my family. Then I found out my dad got really sick and didn't tell me. So, it feels like I have PMS, but I've been just going on these crying binges. I feel like I almost cry too much.
Good stuff though-- got a temp job next week.
How is everyone?
Sep 4 2007, 07:55 PM
i was really depressive last week but i knew it was hormonal/stress-related--much as it sucked, i knew it would die down with my period. but then i took a new med for my chronic illness which i had a really strong reaction to, so now i'm feeling weak and sick and scared. i had this sweet weekend planned with my bf, and instead of celebrating an anniversary as i'd hoped, it ended up with him taking care of me.
i just want things to be reasonably stable, you know? last week was crying jags and crazy endless fights with customer service/bureaucracy crap, and this week is sudden health-downturn and the fear and uncertainty that comes with that. i'm so exhausted i can't even cry, but every day i'm looking forward to bedtime, and every morning i wake up disappointed not to feel better yet. world of suck.
Sep 5 2007, 09:44 AM
((annelise)) I hate the effects of taking new meds. It knocks me on my butt for days. I get all the wierd side effects too. Like night terrors on my asthma meds.
((sassy)) are things looking up with the temp job? and the moving thing? Have you talked to him about your fears and pains?
Not much is new here. The meds are doing a great job. I feel stable. And I think that's why I'm taking things like the crash and the fact that my bike is on the other side of the country being looked at and that my physio therapist told me to not do my next race (I was signed up to do the half iron so I might just do the sprint and not tell him) all in stride. It's weird to know that I would normally be so shaken by all this and driven to bed and not want to move. And yet I'm just truckin' along and finding good things like swimming restarting and the fact that the season is winding down so I can just do some road races and start back in the gym again. I've also noticed that it's easier to be genuinely happy for other people's achievements instead of jealous and wanting to compare myself to them and realizing yet again that I suck. But now I'm starting to worry about eventually having to come off the meds and having to start dealing with my old ways again. The meds are like my rose coloured glasses and I don't want to know what everything will look like when they get taken off.
Sep 5 2007, 09:46 AM
I understand about wanting to be stable. I got very upset on Saturday, but the rest of the weekend was okay. I'm getting off this med, so that's messed up my body. Yet, I'm still in this depressive state. I'm trying to be active, and work out. Yet, yesterday I didn't even leave my apartment....
I just wish I would get better.
Sep 5 2007, 08:30 PM
sassy - aw girl. i hope that you can get over things and past this state. i hate that part. i did a similar thing this weekend - i got so frustrated with snarkyboy, then so frustrated with myself for being frustrated with him. i broke into tears when the BF asked if I was okay...gosh, you'd think i'd had some horrible news. same sort of thing that running mentions, rose-colored glasses are great til you strip away the gloss and see the junk underneath.
all in all, i've been more up than down lately. guess that's a side effect from having someone around who loves me....good stuff.
keep the smiles, busties!
Sep 6 2007, 08:21 AM
I did the same thing!! Mcgeek was just cleaning the house, and I just blew up. Then, got angry at myself. I also don't think he realizes how to deal with someone who has depression. The boy's happy all the time. Just not used to someone who is positive all the time.
Going to an interview today, and then have a temp job the next week. I'm just going to have to fake the fact that I'm really sad, and just want to shut off the world.
Still anxious about the move. I'm happy that I got a temp job (I haven't worked in about 3 months). Trying to focus on good things. I've talked to Mcgeek about it, and he told me that he's scared too. I think a lot of the anxiety is coming from my past. I told him that we need to go to therapy together. I think it would help.
Sep 7 2007, 01:29 AM
Fuck. I'm so depressed. It takes all my energy to pretend that I'm not. I played in town today with my sis and her little one. I did have a good time. But shit, I'm so depressed. It totally sucks. And I've been having nightmares to boot. I'm scared to go to sleep. I'm alone tonight. Sweetie gets drunk every Thursday and our agreement is that she sleeps in a different room when she's drunk. I sleep better when she's here but I get so triggered by the booze smell. So I'm depressed and lonely and tired and complaining. Ugh.
Sassy, I hope your interview went well. And good luck on your temp job. Hope all goes smoothly.
Sep 7 2007, 11:26 AM
fiddler: ever hear of the law of attraction.? its an interesting awareness/practice that can be applied to situations when we are feeling depressed &or hopeless and want to get out of it. i have noticed for myself, however, that sometimes i like feeling depressed.. you know, if something makes me depressed i want to feel it. i want to understand where my depression is coming from so that i can get a better idea of it. so really it's a matter of being honest with yourself.. there are many ways to overcome depression (conventional meds and therapy incl) but then we first have to determine if getting over it is in fact what we want.
Sep 8 2007, 02:19 PM
Fiddler, I know the feeling. I stopped trying to pretend that I am not struggling, and just try to deal with how I am feeling at the moment.
Knorl, I think I get understanding depression so you can get a better idea of it, It reminds me a little of mindfulness medatation in a way. I really can realte to asking if not being depressed is what one really wants. A few years ago I think I would have said that no, I am comfortable being depressed and I don't want to stop because it is scary to change. (I would not have really said that, it is what I see in retrospect) Right now I am so motivated to change the areas of my life that have caused me to be depressed ( my relationship, school and jobs) and am working very hard, but some days (like the last few days) I have just wanted to eat ice cream, cry and watch TV because I am so overwhelmed and what I want still seems so far away.
*sigh* I have a two weeks off from therapy since my shrink is on vacation and that really sucks!
Sep 8 2007, 04:55 PM
QUOTE(princess_dander @ Sep 8 2007, 04:36 PM)
I am comfortable being depressed and I don't want to stop because it is scary to change.
it's saturday and i can find nothing better to do than sit here and watch movies and occasionally reload or unload the washer and dryer... at least i'm not in bed.
if i were to diagnose myself i'd say i have anxiety induced depression. i just started school again and i sit with my stomach in knots all day long. i try to make conversation but apparently i speak an entirely different language than these ppl. i think i'll just stick to smileing when needed and minding my business other wise. i don't understand how i can be so open sometimes and so closed other times...
p.s. hello busties, i'm new to this board
Sep 9 2007, 06:00 PM
princess dander: yes, mindfulness.. my therapist introduced me to it and it's fantastic. has made me realize how many of my useless thoughts are not only useless but also contribute to my sorry state. once you see that you control your reality the world really opens up to you. it seems like you've come to that understanding and you've begun to engage your ability to change your circumstances. i've done much of the same work and yes it can feel so empowering but also overwhelming at the same time. i'm to the point that i wonder how much more i think i deserve to improve my life. you know i have all these dreams of living a life that is my own but not like where i am now and then the anxiety kicks in and i think (will i be able to maintain it... do i really deserve it.... will i break under pressure.... will people reject me.... worry worry worry... obsess obsess obsess). i think part of the reason i do that is to make up excuses, you know, so that i put the thoughts in but then dont have to follow through with it. and then i get angry and i realize that it's just me being a whiny little girl and that i need to grow up. this is SO JUVENILE i realize, but it's like, i just dont want to be like them. you know.. i've such distaste to the real world, the normal world, the predictable world, the predetermined world.. that i kind of cut myself off from it completely. when really i need to learn to get along in it if i want to move forward in life. people are never going to understand me, they are always going to try to fit me into some stereotype, but that has nothing to do with me really it's how they interact with the world. they do it to everyone, not just me. so why do i still allow it to make me feel bad about myself? i dont want to be anything close to typical, yet being atypical, i think there's got to be something better.. so i wonder, is typicality really where happiness and fulfillment lie? do they really have it figured out? and the answer is no. they may be fulfilled in what limited reality they know, but it does not fulfill me. so i just have to keep being true to me...... sorry for the rant.
my point of being in here today. i'm depressed. because i seem to keep doing the same stuff... going out, socializing, drinking, dating, sleeping, working a nowhere job, dreaming, etc... and i'm not working toward goals because i havent really set any because my mind is so preoccupied with feeling bad about myself. i just need to change my perspective. i need to get myself thinking well of myself instead of feeling sorry for myself. i need to step up to the plate and admit to myself that this life although it may be individual isnt exactly what i believe in. it's like, i want the best for every other oppressed person but myself. i'm so masochistic, it's awful. leaves me functioning at this level that i need to break out of and realize that part of the reason i'm still here is because i dont occupy my time with enough rich and diverse experiences.
o lord. hope you all are well... (((fighter busties)))
Sep 9 2007, 09:58 PM
my counselor last week pointed out that it is fear... fear of doing something different as princess mentions...scared of trying something new or allowing yourself to feel...really feel. for you. not for anyone else. no matter what the others say, knorl, you can be scared to be yourself, to feel what you feel, to do things for yourself, because you want to do them, not because they'd please anyone else or affect someone else. (again, i have to do what i write here, but y'all know what i'm talking about)
i think it is true that we "depress" because that feeling is comfortable. it is part of each of us. part of how we live our lives. we fear happiness, in some ways. we can't let ourselves have that happiness for fear of it being taken from us once we get used to that.
my guy also says it is easier to crawl into the holes like we do. no one can get you there.
'cept the boogie man....
so, let's embrace our fear...god i know that's so hard to think of...but we have to - we have to try.
Sep 11 2007, 11:09 AM
Hey, the interview went well. I had a temp job for a couple of days. Yet, I'm so fucking depressed. I was trying not to think depressing thoughts, but the job was insanely boring, and they only let me work 2.5 days instead of 4. They probably didn't need anyone tomorrow. But still I was just having a bad day, because I spilled coffee all over my shirt (white by the way) on my way in, and my temporary boss just glared at me. Basically, it looked like I had come to work with a dirty shirt on. Also there was part of me yesterday saying in the back of my mind that this job sucked, and therefore my life sucks...and the ongoing everything just fucking sucks...thinking that I shouldn't be doing a stupid temp job, and really have a career that I love by now. And I also should be the hell out of this crappy fucking state. Yet, I can't seem to ever want to make any goals. Which is bizzare, because I used to set goals. It's like losing my job this last couple months, has almost crippled me with such low self-esteem. I also agree with snarky on the happiness idea. I'm constantly thinking that something horrible is going to happen in my life, that I can't truely be happy.
Mcgeek doesn't really understand depression much either. So, I have to keep most of this feeling to myself a lot. He's also one of the most happy-go luck people I know. That can be really fucking annoying when you're depressed.
Sorry for the rant. ((Busties))
Sep 11 2007, 11:17 AM
sassy: yes totally. re, impending doom.... there's a term i like that seems to accurately describe my outlook.
(so i'm a dictionary.com dork)
1. marked by a senseless, disorienting, often menacing complexity
2. characterized by surreal distortion and a sense of impending danger
"The adjective refers to anything suggestive of Kafka, especially his nightmarish type of narration, in which characters lack a clear course of action, the ability to see beyond immediate events, and the possibility of escape. The term's meaning has transcended the literary realm to apply to real-life occurrences and situations that are incomprehensibly complex, bizarre, or illogical."
Sep 11 2007, 06:00 PM
snow white....I am the same way. If I had to diagnose myself I would also give myself anxiety induced depression. All school year all I do is have panic attacks and avoid people and classes. No one is able to even relate to me sometimes it seems..yet sometimes it seems like I am waiting to jump out of my skin and tell a total stranger everything about me...
Well I don't know if thats how you at all feel...but I think I can mildly understand where you are coming from
Sep 11 2007, 10:01 PM
oh, oh! I can diagnose you. Diagnosing from the DSM IV was one of my favorite classes in grad school. Anyway . . .
My feeling of impending doom has a light spot today. I played fiddle at a really great session and got to see some folks I haven't seen in awhile. Plus, I got a crush. Yes, I know, I'm married, but I won't touch. She's a really hot fiddle player.
Time for sleep now.
Sep 12 2007, 11:29 PM
yes.. i know what you mean. i've attributed that through the years to my high level of sensivity to my surroundings. if i'm around people who are cool and who accept me for who i am i have no anxiety. it's only when i'm around people i dont trust or people who couldnt possibly understand the depths of my mind that i get anxious. because i feel so far removed and so different it makes me feel 'wrong'.. and then with way normal or traditional people i feel like i'm being fake if i meet them on their level. oddly enough, it's only when i get concerned with what people are/could be thinking of me that i act all nervous. i dunno. i act different around different people because i think there's a time and a place for everything... i'd just like to always be this confident pulled together person who knows that there is nothing wrong with being complex.
Sep 14 2007, 08:00 PM
i don't want to talk too much about my own problems b/c i'm sick of thinking about them but i know exactly what you mean. i really do, i spent my entire highschool career evading classes and my classmates, at times even my friends. i always thought i'd 'outgrow' it but i guess it's just me. whenever i'm overwhemled i like to "hide out", recoupe and recover from a fast paced world. sometimes i wonder if it was easier back in the day, before cars and phones. i also know what you mean by jumping out of your skin. it's like all those so-called quiet moments build up and need release. luckily i've gotten better at controlling my release valve.
one day at a time.
Sep 15 2007, 06:14 PM
I really need to vent.
I'm feeling very low tonight. I feel like I can't hold it together and very, very sad. I keep trying to remind myself that it will get better, but that doesn't help at all because it feels like my stomach is in knots and I feel like I can't move.
I know that it is most likely situational. I broke up with my girlfriend and she moved out of state for awhile, I have having the worst interviews I have ever had in my life, I feel like I can't call anyone to talk or hang out and I am so lonely right now. It really sucks and I know a lot of people are having a shit times as well, but I feel like I need to snap out of this before it takes over and I end up hating myself. I would really love some vibes right now.