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yeah, i agree with stargazer. i'm suspicious of why this person gave you trazadone, instead of referring you to a psychiatrist, or giving you a sleeping aid that's not an anti-depressant. i mean, why would you dr. give you an anti-depressant sleep aid and tell you you aren't ready for psych meds? cause that IS a psych med. and why would she say to take it only 3 times a week, that's weird.

can you see a psychiatrist? also, maybe you can make a list of your symptoms so you remember whenyou see the dr. i alllllways forget stuff cause i get all anxious and spacey. tell the dr. about the nightmares, and how often they are waking you up. tell them about the waking up earlier and earlier, and the not being able to fall asleep. tell them about the constant crying/long crying jags. maybe even take a look at a depression screeing tool online-to see what your symptoms are.

here's one from NIMH:


* Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
* Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
* Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
* Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
* Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
* Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
* Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
* Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
* Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
* Restlessness, irritability
* Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain

Also, I think the ruminating is part of it too. I don't know whether you are also struggling with PTSD stuff...?
does anyone feel like they are "functionally" depressed?

i've been going through the motions, job hunting, trying to get out of a shitty geographic/housing situation, and at the end of the day, i don't feel very good about myself.

i despise my family and i need to be away from them to sort it out, and i even drove to several out of state jobs for interviews. none of them are biting.

i feel stuck. i'm not sure what would help me. i've been running to help me breathe.
persimmon_grrrl~i blame those damn pharmaceutical ad for some medications, which make people feel they should be happy 24-7. it is unrealistic. society plays a part in how people feel. i would tell my patients that happiness is a temporary feeling like sadness, anger, anxiety. if we were constantly happy, then we would be like stepford wives...mechanical. i thought i was functional this summer with my depression, but, given the time to step back and look at my emotions and feelings...i realized i was not managing myself well. i was irritable, sad, and crying off and on. i hid my pain. maybe you could see a therapist to help with some of the feelings of self-worth. or, journal your thoughts. keep in contact with us in here. running does help with endorphines and promoting self esteem.
Oh man, I am NOT going back to my doctor. I've only been seeing her for three weeks, but this is it. My mom and I are going through similar problems but hers is much more serious, extreme anxiety attacks, etc. But she also has a legitimate health problem that she can't get anyone to look at. She has this chest pain and it goes around to her back and under her ams. They told her at the emergency room that she has a risidual bronchial infection and that her doctor could take care of it, but she keeps getting passed around like she's crazy when all she wants is this problem to go away.

So today she went in to see our doctor for the second time this week and she told her that she's making too many appointments and if shes "going to be like that" then they can't treat her there. My mom just called me in tears and I could hear my dad being angry in the background. I mean, what the fuck? She has a problem that she just wants treated and you tell her she's coming in too much?

I cancelled my appointment immediatly and called the Find a doctor Line and have an appointment with my new new doctor on Monday. I'm just going to start over with him, tell him the pills I got don't work and that I want a referral to an actual clinical psychologist. One of the weird things bad doctor said is that she couldn't talk about my anxiety, lack of sleep, etc, in the first appointment, but the secretary at this new place said it would be no problem.

I did get a decent nights sleep last night so I'm doing okay right now. I'm feeling better about cutting ties with this doctor because I didn't feel like she was doing much. She seemed really promising at first.

good job erin-that seems like a great decision. this dr. seems very weird! i can't believe they said that to your mother, that's awful. it's the whole "oh she's just a hysterical woman" thing. grrr....and yeah, why couldn't she talk to you about your anxiety? That makes NO sense! I'm glad you found someone new, hopefully you'll get some relief.
I can't believe someone would pass over a patient with your mother's symptoms. They sound like something that really needs attention--like a case of pneumonia, something for which your mom should be watched during treatment. I'm glad you changed doctors and I'm glad you were able to do so without too much trouble.

I really hope you can get some help with your clinical psychologist, too. Good luck Erinjane, I have my fingers crossed that you and your mom will finally get the attention you need.
Thanks for the support! (slight update) My mom went to a walk-in tonight and the doctor found she has a bad rash on her chest and under her arms that he thinks is from stress. He said that the pain in her chest and back looks to be a pinched nerve and muscle stress. That was all it took, and she's calmed down so much. Our doctor did not examine her once in her four visits.

having worked in a hospital and observing doctor-patient relationships...i would see patients be more emotional when they did not feel understood by the doctor. bedside manner is important and they teach it terribly to doctors. BUT, not all doctors are that way. i'm glad your mother was able to be seen and her anxiety decreased.

Now, erinjane...

don't forget about yourself! i'm glad you are going to get a referral to a clinical psychologist. if you feel you need meds, then don't be shy to ask for something. remember you need something longer acting. good luck with everything! keep us updated on how you are doing.
I am sinking very low into a depression and I'm not sure how to stop it. I've been taking Sam-e for a few months and have loved it. I don't want to up the dose because I can't afford it. And frankly, I don't want to up the dose when my depression is probably situational. Relationship issues. What do you do when you have a wonderful man who loves you, who turns you on like crazy, who will always be faithful, who will always be kind, but will probably never marry you? I never thought I wanted to get married until somone told me I couldn't. Long story, but his first wife fucked him over good, and I think he's pretty much done with the idea of marriage. And living together is out of the question for quite a long time because he has a houseful of four daughters. There's no room for me there even if we wanted to move in. Do I stay in what is pretty much a great, but limited, relationship or do I throw it all away in hopes Mr. Marrying kind will come along? Please, I need advice. This is eating me up.
I'm sorry kelkello, i have no advice but (((kelkello))).

I was doing alright today until I got home and my mom was being carted off to the loony bin...sort of. In my city there's a program called the Mobile Crisis Unit who are available 24 hours a day to come to your home and talk to you and offer advice or resources. So they suggested she go stay at the Crisis Stablization Unit which is a house for her to talk to a pyschiatrist and relax and they provide her with meals and her own room and things like that. I think she really needs it but it's another thing that I'm going to be dwelling upon tonight. My nana has been staying with us all week because my mom wanted her mom and after my mom left my nana, who is 89, started to cry and i hugged her and then i started to cry and it was all very crazy.

Geez, i feel like I'm monopolizing this thread, but I'm so glad it's here. You gals are really a great support. :-*
I think it's up to you to figure out what to do. I mean, you need to decide if never getting married is a deal-breaker. If you're already getting depressed about it, maybe it is. But maybe you just need time to get used to the idea. Maybe you'll start to feel like marriage is just a formality, a piece of paper to prove what you already know. Maybe you'll be able to move in together once some of his kids have moved out.
However--if you find that not being married to this man means the relationship is not completely satisfying to you, forget it. You shouldn't settle for less than what really makes you happy. If being with this man but not being his wife leaves you longing for more, then he's not the guy for you. You deserve a guy who loves you, turns you on like crazy, will always be faithful and kind, and will marry you if that's what you want.
Also--don't think it's impossible that he might change his mind. Lots of people do! Good luck, girl.

Erinjane, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. It must be really exhausting to be dealing with your own issues and also trying to help you mom. Hang in there--things will be better.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, littleidiot. I think I'm going to stick it out for awhile. We've only been together a year. I'm going to adopt a wait and see attitude for a bit. If after another year (or six months, whatever) I still feel this conflicted, I will have to make a decision.
(((kelkello))) sorry to hear about your situation. if you want more feedback, then you might want to check out the threads in the mating game. perhaps someone who lurks in there can give you some feedback.

(((erinjane))) at least your mother will get the attention and help she needs for herself. i know this situation doesn't help you. please don't forget to take care of yourself during this time and seek support from your family and friends.
erin-is your mom's stress because of you disclosing to her? or is it something else?

kelkello-that just sounds like hell! if he didn't have the kids, it'd be really different, i think. how old are they? 4 of them, geeez!
I'm sure that's part of it, but definatly not all of it. She's really just started menopause in the last few months and her friend who is a nurse thinks that has a lot to do with it. But I think it's also that she's always been the one to hold everything together and it really feels like she just sort of snapped with the weight of everything. Similar to how I feel but to a much stronger extent. She's probably coming home today and she'll be seeing a therapist on Friday.

Now it appears that my Nana may have gone through the same thing and my aunt told me she was on anti-depressants when she was in her 20's. My mom and my nana's experience kind of parallel eachother because when my nana was my mom's age she had a daughter in an abusive relationship with two kids, and a son who was (is) a drug addict. My mom has a son in a not-so-great marriage and a daughter in law whose an alcoholic. doctors appointment today so my fingers are crossed.
ah, i see. my mom is kinda like that actually. sounds like it's really good that your mom is getting help, esp. if she's been the one kinda holding things together for a long time.

good luck with the new dr! hopefully it'll go muuuch better this time. i can't believe your old dr. didn't even LOOK at your mother once! that is sooo bad.
(I started to write this last night but the effects of the pill hit me and I couldn't even stand up)

So the new doctor is better, he's right to the point, but listens and I also like that he's older, wheras the other doctor just started practicing on her own in the last month.

Here is what old doctor told me about Trazadone: Don't take it for depression, don't take it everyday because you can get addicted very fast, it will work right away.

Here's what new doctor (And pharmacist) told me: Take it every day to treat my depression that he feels is situational (I agree). It is NOT addictive, you cannot become dependent on trazadone. It will probably take about a week before I start to feel the effects on my mood. He also upped the dose because he said that 50mg was too small. He said to try 100 for two weeks and if I don't feel better to come back. He's also getting me a referral to an actual psychologist.

So now I am feeling much better, just having things cleared up and having someone actually listen and feeling like they're helping me. But I took the 100 (which was two 50mg pills) last night and christ, they knocked me out. I actually felt drunk and I could barely move, but i think this was mostly a result of having not eaten all evening when I should have taken the pill with food.
They're different looking and have a different ___-trazadone on the bottle than the ones I already have so I don't know if they're exactly the same. I actually think i'm gonna try just one or one and a half tonight because the effect was super strong, where as with original 50mg i felt nothing.

Okay, now that my little doctor saga is over I'm going to try and refrain from posting in here as much I think. Phew.
yay! yeah, that's what i thought about the trazadone. i'm so glad it worked. try the pill and a half and see how that goes. definitely eat something with it. it used to give me dry mouth and make me feel kinda stoned the next day...which at the time was kinda nice wink.gif i definitely would get that paralyzed feeling-like you are sooo heavy and drowsy.

i'm so glad you're getting a referral-that makes a huge difference to see someone who actually specializes in these meds.
Hello everyone,

I thought that i would pop in here to share some experiences and many get a little support. I think this was the very first thread I posted in when I started busting and when I couldn't stop crying the other day and my shrink asked that age old therapeutic question ("Is there anything that you can/could do that would make yourself feel better?") among many other shrink-y questions I thought of this thread and felt that I almost needed to be here.

Right now I feel pretty bad. I have a lot of depressive relaspses around this time of year. I was so sick two weeks ago that I spent two days in a hospital where all I was asked was why I didn't take care of my asthma (which I don't have). I felt like I was not taken cared of. I also have a lot of flashbacks which make me feel anxious and just all around nutty.

Over the summer when I was toying with meds I tried quite a few and found none in the ssri/ssni class to be helpful. My psychopharmocologist tried one last drug, Strattera which had no effects, adverse or positive. I don't expect meds to be a panacea, I have been seeing my super groovy shrink for 9 months, which is an all time record for me! I think I just need to get through this time of year and find some peace within myself in terms of triggers for depression.

But as bright as the future may be, right now seems unbearable and dark as can be. I have self-injured and pushed my girlfriend, friends and my shrink away at times. This is behavior that I want to stop, but when you feel worthless, it's so fucking hard to get it together, act normal and not want to just hurt yourself in any way you can. I'm safe now, but I just wanted to share the place that I am in right now. Is it odd that I fear that I am being too depressing posting here?
Princess_dander~i can understand feeling depressed about posting in here. it is actually admitting that there are problems you are dealing with right now. but, i think it is a good sign that you are reaching out to post in here. i don't think you have to be depressed to post in here. it is a great way to provide support for those busties going through what i've struggled with my whole life. so, yeah, post away in here...

strattera wouldn't help with depression. that's for ADHD/ADD. at least, from my experience. there is alot of medication out there. medication coupled with counseling will be very helpful. it's good you are seeing a therapist. i know i will need to go back pretty soon. with your therapist, things will get worse before it gets better. is there any issues being brought up currently that is stirring the flashbacks for you? you don't need to answer in here. but, it is just something to think about and talk with your therapist about.

i would encourage you to take it one day at a time. it sounds corny, but it's true. i am slowly feeling better, but there are days when the anxiety just hits me. it is happening less for me.

i'm glad you are safe. please let us know how you are doing.
Thanks for replying SG. It's nice to get feedback and feel that it's okay to say "Hey I'm sad and need to vent" without the fear of pushing others away. It's the most comforting feeling I can think of, in fact right now.

Even though strattera is indicated for add/adhd, my psychopharmocologist, or old psychopharmocologist rather thought I might give it a go as it has less of an effect with dopamine receptors as well as the reuptake of serotonin. I go off SSRI's as soon as the anaorgasmia hits and I know that sounds counterproductive to my treatment, but I get more frustrated and sometimes more depressed if I can't come. I know it might sound odd, but as someone who has always had control of her orgasms, not being able to is a very odd and frustrating situation for me, and one that I would not rather be in. Yeah I understand that crying all day and letting my post trauma get in the way of my life is not how i want to live, but not being able to orgasm is something taht I don't feel I can tolerate or live with. I had stuck with Zoloft for a few months vbefore I went off it and was able to cum again and was like "fuck you Zoloft, I'm getting it on again!" I also experienced a lot more sucidial thoughts when I was on Zoloft two years ago.

Well sorry for that I can't cum on meds so I'd rather feel sorry for myself all day speech.

My GP scripted me some Cymbalta, but my shrink is going to refer me to another psychopharmocologist for further options tomorrow. I'd rather talk shop with psychopharmy than my GP about these drugs anyway. I trust my shrink which is something I fel very grateful for, as he knows when I am pushing him away and he can deal with that and help me with why I am acting out. I would have never explored meds as an option if he didn't feel it could help me and I feel that he wants to help me which is something I have seldom had before either. It would be nice if I could find a med that works with me before I sink so low.

As the flashbacks are concerned, it's a mixed bag of issues that bring those out at times. The more I talk about them, the more power I feel they have.

The one day at a time idea really what I am clinging to. As much as I want instant gratification and just to feel overjoyed or even that things will be okay again. One day at a time seems like something I can do.

Sorry for the long, unedited post. I type when I am anxious.
((Princess Dander)) I hear you on the Zoloft. I was on it for about 6 months, and the second month in, I got into my first relationship (still in it, in fact) and I had the same response to it, sexually. I guess it did make me feel less depressed, and i never had the suicidal thoughts, though I didn't have them before. My depression was more of the "I want to sleep all the time and not get out of bed and not do anything" kind, not the "I want to kill myself" kind.

I hope you feel better!
Hey Polly!

I'm glad it worked for you in terms of your depresion.

I am actually counting down the hours until I can just sit on my shrink's sofa and just cry and cry in that safe space. I love that much.

Today it's like walking through jello, but a bit less dense jello than the days before, not theatre class walking through jello, but like jello up to the knees. Does this metaphor make sense to anyone? Anyone want some jello?

I made it through my speech class which was hard as it is hard just to move (again jello) I byullshitted my way through class and I hope to make it through the next two weeks of classes and get my A to keep mu GPA up, but when you just want to cry and the classes and the people teaching them are just pointless and the material is too and the time used to be there just feels wasteful it's hard to want to even care about that A or my GPA or what happens when the class is over and why I was there in the first place.

Okay I said that today was better right? I meant it.

Love to all!
Maybe one of you all has an idea of how this works....I think i really need to be on an anti depressant. I have no primary care physician, or dr. i see regularly. It took me like two years to finallyget the courage go see a therapist at my university, but i quit going after a few months because it was not helping at all. She just wanted to find a reasonfor why i felt bad, but i really have none. she just wanted me to keep a journal, which i tried to do, but then i was too embarrassed to show her. I have actually seen several therapists in my life, and hated it all. anyway, the question is - do you think that if i just went to a regular campus doctor and asked for an anti depressant, they would give it to me? it is very hard for me to get the balls to talk to anyone, so i dont really feel comfortable shopping around forever. what do you all think i should do?
seethroughdreams~i would check out your regular campus doctor. if you have insurance, then i would go see a psychiatrist. you should see someone who specializes with psychotropic medications (e.g. antidepressants). keep a track of your symptoms (decrease/increase in sleeping, eating habits, loss of weight, suicidal thoughts, loss of pleasure in things you'd once enjoyed) to help with your diagnosis. i would encourage you to keep journaling. i would also encourage you to re-enter therapy when you feel comfortable again. one thing to keep in not expect things to get better instantly. you are unraveling years and years of experiences, which cannot be done in just a couple of sessions. do you have a support system right now? also, some campus counseling centers have group therapy, which could be helpful and not make you feel alone.

about zoloft...yeah, i've heard people having hard times with orgasms, suicidal thoughts, and being tired constantly as a problem with this med. decrease in sex drive and inability to reach climax is a big concern for most people and reason why they go off meds. i'm on lexapro and have not had any problems. it helps with my depression and anxiety.

princess_dander~yeah, i understand the whole jello thing. it is how i felt this whole summer. just going through the motions. trudging along. crying off and on. just hoping it would pass. feeling confused and irritable with people. i did not feel like myself. really.

i'm glad you found a therapist whom you feel safe with and he is working with you. that is key. you want to feel a collaborative environment with your therapist, for example, being given space to explore and experience your feelings. i hope you share with your therapist your belief that these flashbacks have more power when you talk about them. at least, you could get more support.

yeah to having a good day!!
bumping just for the hell of it!

I hope everyone is doing okay. I wonder if maybe the lack of posts in this thread is a good sign...?

As for myself, I've actually been doing pretty well. I was having some issues with my dad (we always seem to have issues) but I had a good long talk with him and we've been doing pretty well for the last few days. Other than that, school is over so that's a big load off my shoulders, and a lot less stress to deal with.

How's everyone else?
Today was a bad day for me. I stayed home because I thought I was going to have a seizure. Also, had really bad cramps.

The holidays shit is killing me though. And, depression hit me really hard. I slept and cried the majority of the day.

Having some issues with my family, as well as my sister. My mother and I are getting along better than usual, but my father and I aren't. I also have to see them next weekend for Christmas.

Thank goodness for therapy next week. smile.gif
i think i need to break up with my therapist, because i don't feel comfortable with her anymore.

there's too much getting to me (as well as some nasty hormonal depression, i suspect), and i'm feeling really horrible about how my relationship with my therapist has ebbed. i guess i need to find another one, but it seems like such a big deal to face up to.

it's been a bummer of a winter. i was just thinking today how i can't wait for spring. just not happy with where i'm at right now. last year, i felt happier. though, i really wasn't. christmas eve was interesting for me. so, maybe it's that i'm actually allowing myself to feel this year that my emotions have hit me so hard in these past months. i am feeling better though. if it makes sense. i feel about 60% back to myself. i still have some more work to do.

hugs to everyone else
blurgh, blargh. that's how i've been feeling since last monday.

i've got trauma crap going on, so i know tha'ts what it is.

BUT, every time i get this depressed, it's kinda the same thing. I want to write this down on here so that I can come back to it next time I feel like this.

I mean, I always feel like this, it's just a constant undercurrent that sometimes rises up and gets really really big,like a big wave that breaks over my head every now and then and totally slams me into the ground.

It's basically self-hate. I'm not good enough. I'm not a truly kind, giving person. I don't try to help people enough, or change the world enough. I'm not smart enough. I wasted my privileges, opportunities, and education. I don't call my parents enough. I have practically no friends. I do'nt make enough money, I don't work hard enough at my job. I don't exercise enough. I smoke too much weed. I'm late to work too much. I'm lazy, I watch too much TV.

I spend so much time wallowing in guilt, instead of just doing the things that i need to do.

I feel like the energy and effort it takes to do all of the things I'm "supposed" to do is all the energy i have.

((maddy)) it sounds like you are being very hard on yourself. instead of using the terrible "shoulda, coulda, woulda" words, just allow yourself to be where you are in the moment. sometimes, those words can be like anchors that weigh you down. seriously. it seems like more work. it feels more restrictive and oppressive. when you are given the emotional space to take care of yourself, you will feel the freedom to make the changes you need to make for yourself. also, not taking on all of these things you want for yourself at once will help you.

i know i get overwhelmed when i feel i need to accomplish all of the things i want for myself--yesterday. unrealistic. then, i get mad at myself--in a similar way to you--i'm not good enough because i can't accomplish these things. in reality, it is hard to accomplish so much in so little of a time.

i hope this helps you.
I know that i'm being hard on myself, but it helps to hear it from someone else.

But, then i think oh puhleeeze, i'm being hard on myself, yeah right! my life is so easy and uncomplicated and stress-free. yet i can't/won't even do these fairly simple things to make my life better, myself happier, and less guilty! there are so many people out there who work so hard, juggle many responsibilities, etc etc.

i'm reading these interviews from people living with hiv in africa, and they don't 'even have food. they are always going to funerals. it's sooo sad. and then i look at my life and i'm like god, i'm such a fucking weakling! so many people have such adversity in their lives, and i'm just sitting here feeling all sorry for myself. sad.gif

then of course, i feel more guilty smile.gif lovely cycle i've got goin' on here.

I mean, I always feel like this, it's just a constant undercurrent that sometimes rises up and gets really really big,like a big wave that breaks over my head every now and then and totally slams me into the ground.
It's basically self-hate. I'm not good enough. I'm not a truly kind, giving person. I don't try to help people enough, or change the world enough. I'm not smart enough. I wasted my privileges, opportunities, and education. I don't call my parents enough. I have practically no friends. I do'nt make enough money, I don't work hard enough at my job. I don't exercise enough. I smoke too much weed. I'm late to work too much. I'm lazy, I watch too much TV.

I spend so much time wallowing in guilt, instead of just doing the things that i need to do.

I feel like the energy and effort it takes to do all of the things I'm "supposed" to do is all the energy i have.

damn maddy, you reading my mind? minus the weed and parents part... i actually stalked the herbal section of a store this weekend, wondering if i should pick up some st. john's, and then i realized... the were all out. apparently we're not alone, even though it usually feels like we are.

i have a friend who a while back said " i don't believe in depression... i think people who are depressed need to get over themselves" or something to that effect. and i've been thinking about that. on one hand, i can see where she's coming from--how i get into navel-gazing periods and can't get out of my own head. on the other hand, this bitch (god knows i lover her) has always had a ginormous support group of family and friends and husband and pets; she has big tits, is blonde, loves to party, is going to be a doctor but has never had to deal with bigtime life-changes. how easy it is for her to play buddha on the mountaintop.

it is very important not to compare yourself to other people. seriously. i have done the same myself. but, you are you. and i think it is too harsh to use your situation to someone with hiv in africa. if anything, it helps to put into perspective what i am happy for myself. my health...but, depression is part of your health and you are not functioning at your fullest potential. that's all. you can't live your life like everyone else because you are you.

i hope that makes sense...but, sometimes, we are our own worst enemy.
crazyoldcatlady, I can't fucking stand people like that. I mean, on one hand one main point of my therapy has been to focus on the positive things in my life because I never give myself any credit for the good things I do but when I first went into therapy it felt like there wasn't anything positive in my life.

maddy, I understand how easy it is to be hard on yourself and it's a really difficult habit to stop. But one thing my therapist has done which has helped me which is not just to be like "I'm a good person" blah blah blah, but to actually look at the things I've accomplished because they're more tangible, y'know?

I feel like I'm rambling a bit but I hope that helps.
DEPRESSION IS PART OF YOUR HEALTH, like stargazer said. when you have problems with your health, physical or mental, it's going to be a challenge to deal with, however it may seem.

your brain chemicals can mess with you something fierce, and it's not willpower or laziness, it's chemicals going awry.

there are things that can be done with drugs, you can try to refocus your perceptions through therapy. it's not about "snapping out of it" or any of that crap. beating yourself up for things is easy to do (and counterproductive), but you can learn to give yourself credit for the things you can do, like candycane said...and go from there. it takes baby steps when things feel overwhelming, as they commonly do with mental health issues. it takes time sometimes, because you're just not ready to face that next step.

you have to respect your body, and know that deep down, you want to heal, and things will get better.
so much of what you're all saying is hitting home for me right now. thank you.

my therapist is telling me "to be kind to myself". i don't even think i know how to do that.

i keep telling myself fessing up to my doctor, going on meds and starting therapy - probably years later than i should have - is at least a first babystep of learning how to be kind to myself.

the thing i'm struggling most with right now (and this is all new to me yet, like, weeks new) is, how much of myself can i really change, and/or learn to live with? i know how i'm wired. (ie: i've always been a "nervous nelly", but am now trying to cope with new and improved heh anxiety issues).

catlady, i'm so stealing buddha on the mountaintop. i've had a few of those myself. well-meaning friends, who love/d me, but who counseled (ie: lectured) me in the worst, most exact WRONG way, which only made my walls go up higher. i'm more of a bees-with-honey type. tough love makes me see red.
i have physical illness issues as well as depression, and i remember someone saying once that when she felt horrible about herself being so sick, she learned to see herself as a baby bird that needed care and compassion, that could be nursed back to health. i like that sort of gentle outlook. it's hard to think of how you could deserve care when you feel so awful about yourself, but think of the way you'd care about a close friend in trouble. you deserve that sort of care and understanding for yourself too.

i have very little patience with well-meaning people who expect problems to be easy to solve, and refuse to see the complexity of health situations. screw them. it takes patience and perseverence, and time. (and you need to give yourself credit for all that patience and perseverence!) the people who are understanding are the people who really matter, and sometimes it's surprising who they turn out to be, when the going gets bad.

my bf has major depression issues, and sometimes he'll talk about how he's afraid of losing himself to drugs or therapy. or how he can never change, so maybe he should just not bother. but when he's doing better....he's very much himself still, only more balanced emotionally, more logical about his outlook.

depression and anxiety might influence your life, but they don't define who you are. you might always be wired to be nervous, but then you could be worlds more healthy about it through drugs/therapy/whatever. there's jittery-about-certain-things nervous, and then there's full-out-debilitating-panic-attacks nervous. obviously, it's much better to lean toward the former on that spectrum.

i know someone who had some anxiety that escalated to really really bad OCD after her mother died. she was always frantic and cleaned things so obsessively that she didn't sleep, and it interfered with her everyday life in really extreme ways. now, with drugs and therapy, she's a more everyday level of obsessive--a neat freak rather than someone who's all-out sick. it's a really big difference, and it's really changed her life for the better.

big hugs to everyone going through depression/anxiety.
wow, i'm so glad you all are here. i mean ya know, not glad you are depressed...but it helps a lot for me to read that you know what i[m experiencing. i "know" all that stuff, but i'm at this point where i feel like, ok, i'm supposed to be better, so i can't keep cutting myself all this slack!

mandolyn-getting on meds was the biggest gift i ever gave myself. i was SO against meds for years. i was suicidal and miserable and having daily panic attacks, etc, and i refused to go on meds. i finally realized that i just had nothing left-no reserves, nothing to "dig deep" and use, just nothing left. to me, meds was like a last desparate attempt. and GOD it was amazing! especially the xanax. the first time i took one, i fell asleep and had the best rest i'd had in years. it allowed me to get out of the house without having panic attacks, to actually have a social life! imagine! because i didn't have to worry about freaking out in a crowded place or wherever. so yes, give yourself a LOT of credit to be getting meds AND therapy-very awesome

it is weird, like annelise said about her boyfriend-it's like sometimes i'm just me, and i feel ok, but then it's like this totally different person takes over, someone who is totally afraid, pessimistic, etc, and i just can't shake it. when i'm in that state, i think my "normal" self is SO LAME and SO STUPID for even bothering to try so hard. it's weird to bounce between these very opposite states/personalities.

i guess i just DO feel like i'm lazy. i mean, i AM. i don't like working hard, i'm a slacker pothead, i'd rather lay around in bed watching tv or reading a book then going out and doing something. my boyfriend keeps me active, which is great, but it's always a struggle. and i feel like if i had more discipline then i would do all the things that are good for me-like quit pot, workout most days, etc etc.

i know that beign hard on myself doesnt' help though, it's true. but i feel like i've been really easy on myself in a lot of ways over the past few years, and now i need to start holding myself to a higher standard. ok, i'm picturing my old therapist laughing while i write this. she would laugh and say maddy, when were you EVER easy on yourself? huh.
the funny thing about the friend who made the "snap out of it" comment is that she has *no* idea that i'd ever been there. she was talking about her depressed grandmother (!), and i'm thinking, "if only you knew 24 hours prior i was seriously debating getting an SSRI."

mando- it is hard to wrap your mind around "shaking your spots". i suppose the trick is just working with what you got. Whatever way that might be. Scientology, anyone? wink.gif

maddy- you always hit the nail on the head and articulate what i can't.
i feel you regarding the statement "when i'm in that state, i think my "normal" self is SO LAME and SO STUPID for even bothering to try so hard. it's weird to bounce between these very opposite states/personalities."

when i get this way, everything becomes "what's the point [of anything, really]." hell, even when i'm even-keeled, i often wonder this.

i'm also often debating whether i need to be coddled or kicked in the ass.
QUOTE(maddy29 @ Dec 20 2006, 07:57 PM) *

mandolyn-getting on meds was the biggest gift i ever gave myself. i was SO against meds for years. i was suicidal and miserable and having daily panic attacks, etc, and i refused to go on meds. i finally realized that i just had nothing left-no reserves, nothing to "dig deep" and use, just nothing left. to me, meds was like a last desparate attempt. and GOD it was amazing! especially the xanax. the first time i took one, i fell asleep and had the best rest i'd had in years. it allowed me to get out of the house without having panic attacks, to actually have a social life! imagine! because i didn't have to worry about freaking out in a crowded place or wherever. so yes, give yourself a LOT of credit to be getting meds AND therapy-very awesome

it is weird, like annelise said about her boyfriend-it's like sometimes i'm just me, and i feel ok, but then it's like this totally different person takes over, someone who is totally afraid, pessimistic, etc, and i just can't shake it. when i'm in that state, i think my "normal" self is SO LAME and SO STUPID for even bothering to try so hard. it's weird to bounce between these very opposite states/personalities.

Hey Sister!

I did not seek help until three years ago and it has been amazing. I have debilitating panic disorder. I know how it feels to not be able to drive anywhere because you are freaking out, etc.

Just wanted to stop in and say, I know what you are going through. I went through a little bit of the, 'tyring to find the right pill" cycle, which was traumatic, but once I found the right one, it was all worth it.

I still may have a panic attack, here and there, but now I know what it is, and I always have Xanex!
I've lingered and read posts in this section for a couple months and wanted to add some thouhts: First, though, I am a 45 year-old man so my experiences are likely very different than those of most of you.
That being said, I have battled depression most of my life. My first real bout was probably 25 years ago, while at university. (A combination of poorly chosen major and a poorly chosen girlfriend!) I have had minor bouts ever since. This past year, though, I had a near complete breakdown that almost hospitilized me. I finally went and got help. Found a good therapist and talked to my doc about meds. The net result is now, 12 months after being worried that I'd never function again, I am feeling better than I have in many, many years.
Some thoughts about my journey: Meds, for me, really helped. They didn't change my mood, though: All they do is allow me to kind of seperate my moods from my thoughts. By going on the meds and getting myself stabilized, I was able to really work at my therapy. (Meds are 20mg of Celaxa per day.)
I think the therapy is key but you have to work at it. It was really tough, though. I had to be really, really honest with myself and really look at the things I was doing that were sabotaging me. I read a post about someone worrying that they couldn't "change their spots": I don't know if you can change them but I do believe that, with comittment, you can move them around.
I still get "down" and sometimes those lows are much lower than they should be. I know, though, that it's not "me", it's just this disease and I now have the tools to move through those lows.
My heart is truly with those that suffer from this disease. It is such lonely, lonely place when you are in jaws of the "black dog". If you've never suffered, you can never know. I wish you all peace, happiness and the strength to carry on with your own personal battles.
welcome, ChingusKhan ... and thank you for sharing. i'm glad you're doing so well now.

and you too, ggg.

catlady, i like the "shaking your spots" analogy. good one.

maddy, i'm the laziest person on the planet. hence my procrastination to do this until it got sort of serious. i've always taken the easy route. that's one of my "spots" i hope to "shake".

it's funny, i didn't think i have a debilitating panic disorder. i don't get short of breath or have chest pains, etc. i just get a little lightheaded. like i'm going to faint. like reality is about to go away for a second, but then it comes back.

except just now i told my lil cousin i might come up to visit her next week, when i'm off from work. and after i hung up, i realized, shit, that's 45 minutes. on the wind-y scary parkway. there's NO WAY i'm going to be able to drive that. just the thought. *shudder* so the fact that i'm probably going to wimp out and come up with a lame excuse to not visit my poor cousin who's laid up, very pregnant and could definitely use some TLC, well, that IS debilitating, isn't it? sad.gif which makes me feel like i suck. which feeds the cycle. gah.

how does one get a large prescription for xanax? all GP's seem reluctant to prescribe. i have a prescription for .25 mg ativan, but i'm only taking half as needed. but the doc is only giving me 10 at a time. i just asked her for 30, though. but i feel like a drug addict, asking.

which may be moot, anyway. my therapist is going to refer me to a pyschopharmacologist, and if i'm covered, i'll do it. it seems to make sense, to have someone who knows the drugs better than a GP or a social worker, and will be monitoring me closely.

today's day two on the higher dose of wellbutrin, by the way. it's making me a little speedy. ick.

(((group hug)))
((mando)) you might need to take an antianxiety medication to help was your panic. there are longer acting antianxiety meds. wellbutrin is good for depression. xanax is suppose to help ease the intense panic you have. i was given klonopin when needed. i took 1/2 a tab every day for the first 2-3 weeks of my onset of symptoms until the lexapro kicked in for me. i haven't had to use it lately.

i have internship interviews coming in january. i got a little nervous, but know i will be fine. plus, i have my meds if i need it.

mild, moderate, debilitating...i've known many people who have suffered from depression and anxiety. many people in helping professions me. so, it affects everyone. but, it is a helpful reminder to me that these people got through it eventually with the help of meds, therapy, and/or support.

i have backed out of making any obligations right now. my family and friends have been supportive. they are giving me the emotional space i need to take care of myself without taking it personal. it has been hard to not see some people during the holiday season, but i figure it is only 1 year and i have many more holidays after this year.

what's this psychopharmacologist i keep hearing about? how are they different from a psychiatrist? just curious.
Mando, I think you need to find a psychiatrist. They are better at pinpointing what kind of medication you need, and if you told a psychiatrist about the dread of the parkway, they would prescribe you Xanex immediately.

I have a problem with GP's prescribing meds. I went to my GP when everything was in a downward spiral and was put on something VERY WRONG, that made me slice up my wrist. The psychiatrist pinpointed what I needed, ( I have generalized anxiety, panic disorder and agoraphobia, with depression as a result of the aforementioned, not depression) and put me on effexor. I have been on it ever since. When I told her I was still having p.a.'s she immediately put me back on Xanex.

I only take them when I need them, which is less and less. But, the parkway driving, makes me feel like if I had to do it, I would need a Xanex!

i guess i did things assbackwards. i went to my GP first - a new one, because the new GP i tried in september was a horrid cold witch - because i wanted to rule out any physical ailments. she was thorough and kind and wants to help me. i asked for the wellbutrin and xanax (she gave me ativan, said it was longer-acting) to tide me over, til i could find a therapist. on a whim, i called a therapist i had spoken with once before, and even tho she's 'only' a social worker, she and i clicked over the phone, which made it ALOT easier to actually get myself into her office. i thought she'd talk to my GP about medication, turns out she refers out to her psychopharmacologist (who isn't a psychiatrist, i asked, but is an MD) ... so that's where i am now.

everything you are all sharing is being processed and mulled over and appreciated more than you know. you are all being so kind and helpful and understanding and generous, it's making me weepy. last time i tried baring all in here, it was all about the condescending lectures, which made tuck tail and run.

does klonopin make you sleepy, like xanax?
klonopin knocks my butt out!

My prescription for Xanex is only 25mg, which I take half, which I find keeps me relaxed, by not sleepy. If I take more, it tends to knock me out.

How is the wellbutrin for you? It made me spastic, plus, *thanks to my awesome GP* I had a seizure, becuase I had no appetite. I did nothing but smoke ciggarrettes and drink diet coke. I have a history of eating disorders, which you are not supposed to take well butrin, if you do.

The effexor just made me feel *normal*. Not high strung and crabby all of the time.
The only thing that sucks about it is when I miss a pill, it makes me feel really sick and dizzy.
(((ggg))) good for you to find a good psychiatrist to work with. i'm sorry about your experience with your GP. i have major issues with GPs prescribing meds too.

(((mando))) it doesn't make sense to lecture to someone for baring all. that sucks. if you can, i would go see a psychiatrist.

klonopin makes me feel relaxed. i only take 1/2 a tab when needed. i even forgot i have it really.
mando, as other people have said, a psychiatrist is your best bet for getting a prescription that's right for you. I had kind of a weird route. I started seeing a psychologist and she told me I could ask my family doctor for a prescription for anti-depressants. Then after getting the prescription she decided to also send me to a psychiatrist so that he could monitor me and make sure that what I was using was right for me. I started off on Paxil which wasn't so great cause when I got depressed it was like, I would want to drive into oncoming traffic. Plus I gained 20 pounds in two months and wanted to sleep all the time, not even depressed sleep like, just worn out physical tiredness.

ggg, I just have to say that I LOVE your icon. and of course, I'm glad you found a psychiatrist to work with who could give you a better prescription.

Welcome to the thread Chingus! I'm on Celexa as well and I feel that it's working pretty well for me. Well that and of course seeing my psychologist regularly. I agree with you, sometimes it's hard to accept that you actually have to work to make therapy successful but I think we're all better for it and it helps us in the long run.
hey all-i'm leaving for the holidays in a few hours, just wanted to say hey to depressed busties smile.gif i'm feeling decent, although i know the week ahead will be stressful-going back home always is, even though i like my family now.

just fyi-i take 60 mg celexa, and 150 wellbutrin. i added the WB because the celexa was killing my sex drive. i also take .25 xanax three times a day, which i'm working on slowly weaning myself from. i don't think i "need" them exactly, but cutting back is incredibly painful, cause my body is soooo used to them.

i was on 10 celexa, then 20 for a bit, and my GP gave me like 20 xanax, but it wasn't until i was on about 40 celexa and had a full xanax prescription, that i really started to feel better. part of the thing for me about having the xanax, is just knowing i have it, if i need it. so having to ration it to myself in the beginning was really bad....

anyways, hope everyone has a great weekend and low-stress holidays (ha ha!)

i'll be back next thursday and i know i'll be in bust withdrawals by then. my parents don't have internet, much less cable tv....
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