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thanks ladies, I'll keep all your suggestions in mind
hey ladies,
i'm a little nervous about posting here, but i would really love some advice as to how i should approach some issues i'm having with my boyfriend who suffers from depression. he's graduating college in two days, and as i am not, he and i are living in a tiny minnesota college town which has little to offer in terms of exciting job opportunities for the next year. needless to say, he's got nothing lined up for next year, which is putting a strain not only on his peace of mind, but mine and our relationship, as well. his depression is rendering him pretty inactive and is preventing him from doing anything about his job situation, which is leading to a self-defeating cycle of disappointment and lack of initiative. i'm at a loss for what to do, given the fact that he is pretty resistant to advice of any kind. i would love for him to get professional help, as i'm not proving very helpful, but our options are pretty limited here. does anyone have any advice? are there any good books or websites he might look into? anything you've got, i'd love to hear. thanks!
JB, I'm sure there are some great books about depression. My advice is to just listen to him.

Ugh. Bad day. Mcgeek isn't here, and I'm blaming facebook. I just feel like utter shit. No job, and feeling very frustrated. I see all these people living their lives, and I'm feeling very down. I need to probably just write down some goals.

Mcgeek and I got into a fight this weekend, and it was horrid. I mean finding his ring really hurt. I thought it was gone. I knew that we were getting closer, and then this incident.

How is everyone?
It's been a while since I've been in here. I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago and I'm not dealing very well with it. I cut myself a few times among other things. I'm trying so hard to have hope but everything feels really hopeless right now. I just want to be with him. I'd be willing to just take a break because he says he loves me but he can't be with anyone right now.

I wasn't sure if there was a self harm thread but I figured I should just post in here because my cutting and depression are related. The worst part is that I talked to my boyfriend, um, ex, whatever yesterday and I told him about the cutting and of course now he feels guilty like it's his fault. But I can't help it, it's just how I deal with things.

I probably won't do it again but in the meantime I just feel awful.
CCG, how are you doing?

It's been such a shit week: I didn't get a fellowship, and one our pets died yesterday. I also found out that one of the universities I wanted to go to doesn't have a library science program, so I'm feeling down do to that as well. I'm just having a hard time being positive right now.

Hey guys,
I figured I should probably be posting in here. I went into a bad depressive episode about a month ago, due to end of school stress and relationship stress. School's over now (yay) and I ended the relationship, but the depression has gotten much much worse (losing my boyfriend has been a pretty excruciating trigger). I just started taking Celexa (5 mg for a week, then up to 10). The only other experience I've had was with Prozac 5ish years ago and it was awful. So I'm fairly freaked out, but I feel like I need to try everything to feel better. How has everybody's experiences with medication been? Does it really help?
anna k
I've felt down the past couple of nights, and I shouldn't have. I keep myself busy with work, I run errands during the day, I attend a dance class 1-2 times a week, I stay being a creative writer, and I've been more social than ever. But I don't like being alone with myself at night, I just don't like being inside of my own head sometimes. It can feel depressing and self-defeating, and I can feel so negative about myself, it's ridiculous. I would feel like a freak, and think that none of my friends feel like this, being down on themselves.

(((((odyseeylily)))) I hope you're feeling better today, more rested. I took Paxil for ten years, and it really helped, and two years ago I decided that I didn't need it anymore, that I had matured enough to live without it. I had a little bit of withdrawal symptoms, but haven't missed it.

candycane_girl, I think you're an awesome person, and I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time. Please love yourself and know that you are worth so much.

Anna k - 'I just dont like being inside my own head sometimes'

that is exactly why i have decided to start getting involed with the Bust lounge. Im so sick of spending all day thinking about all the possible reasons why i feel down day to day. I moved to Australia from the Uk about 18 months ago, after spending 12 years of my teenage life there. and oooh my gosh it was not a good idea.
All my family are here, but i've never felt more secluded and alienated. I have totally reclused into myself, have no friends and no social life since i've been here. All i have is my head, which seems like such a shit place to be sometimes.
It's great that you're filling your life with things you enjoy, but yeah, the nights are the worst.

hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better x
QUOTE(shoveit @ May 24 2009, 08:21 AM) *
Anna k - 'I just dont like being inside my own head sometimes'

that is exactly why i have decided to start getting involed with the Bust lounge. Im so sick of spending all day thinking about all the possible reasons why i feel down day to day. I moved to Australia from the Uk about 18 months ago, after spending 12 years of my teenage life there. and oooh my gosh it was not a good idea.
All my family are here, but i've never felt more secluded and alienated. I have totally reclused into myself, have no friends and no social life since i've been here. All i have is my head, which seems like such a shit place to be sometimes.
It's great that you're filling your life with things you enjoy, but yeah, the nights are the worst.

hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better x

Hey Shove It,

I know how that feels. Try reading. It really helps. I would recommend The Golden Notebook by Doris Lessing. It's about women who are trying to sort themselves out and it's a very engrossing read. Actually, any of Lessing's novels are really engrossing. Get inside someone else's head. I know that's an avoidance tactic, but sometimes the day just needs to end and when one can get through that - you can start again tomorrow.

I don't know if you're up to it. But, being on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist twice a week also really helps. And helping others, too. I'm starting volunteer training on Saturday to help relieve the endless barrage of negative thoughts.

Hope this helps!

Hello, all, It's been many years since I've posted in here on a regular basis. I suffered from a deep, horrible, suicidal depression at the beginning of this decade and, with a lot of work and time, I managed to resurface from the darkness and get better.

Unfortunately, I can feel the darkness creeping up on me again. Things are not going well for me. After putting my life on hold for a couple of years, I recently tried to step out and go back to doing the things I love. I exposed my soul and went after my heart's desire. But I got completely shut down. Denied. Not just once, but 14 times. And now I feel like the world is telling me that I'm not good enough. That it isn't going to happen. I have talked to other people in my area who might be good connections for me, but none of them have had anything optimistic or hopeful to say. It's all hopeless. It seems that I need to accept that I will never be able to experience that joy again and I should just move on. Even my husband seems to hope that I'll just get over this and find some other diversion.

But it doesn't work that way. This is a huge part of my soul - the light that is ME - and if the world is telling me to snuff out that light, then it's the same as the world telling me to kill my own soul. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's honestly and truly how I feel. My soul is dying here and it hurts so so badly. I don't even know who I am now. How to define myself. I look at the future and I see nothing to look forward to, nothing to hope for.

Lady Politik, I've never read The Golden Notebook, but now I'm intrigued. I found a place where you can read it on-line. Just click here.

(((((rose))))) I'm glad you've been sounding better in kvetch up.

I don't know if I should be posting this in here, moving on or the general health question thread. A while back I posted in the general health question thread about how I had been randomly throwing up. I went to my doctor and I'm not pregnant and from his examination and my blood tests he couldn't find any reason for it.

Anyway, as almost everyone knows A and I broke up about a month ago. Since then I have found that a lot of the time when I cry I end up throwing up. I don't know if I'm crying too hard or what (not that I can help it). It's just that it's making me even more upset that I am actually reacting physically to this whole situation.

What's even weirder is that last night I was really upset but I was thinking about my issues with my dad. And yet the whole time I couldn't cry at all. I don't understand how I can go from not being able to cry to crying and vomiting at the same time.

sorry if this post was gross or tmi for anyone.
Candy, just curious here ... how frequently do you usually throw up? Once a month? Once every 6 months? Once a year? I'm just curious as to how unusual this is. I have a friend who has a super-sensitive gag reflex & she seems to throw up almost every week. I, on the other hand, have not thrown up in about a decade, so if I were experiencing your symptoms, I'd be really concerned.

As for the crying, I think we've all been there. Sometimes you feel like your body can't cry hard enough to express the depths of your pain. Other times you want to cry, but you get nothing. Who knows why. I'm sure my guess is as good as yours. Maybe your body or mind was too tired of crying to do it anymore.

Thanks everyone for the support. You kick some serious ass. It's a comfort to know you're here.

As I mentioned in Kvetch, there's been a small sparkle of hope this week. I'm trying to stay optimistic about it. I didn't cry at all today or yesterday, which is a good move in the right direction. Things are still far from perfect, but I'm trying to plan a few little things to look forward to - visits from friends and family mostly - which will keep me motivated. I find that I hold myself together better when I'm planning things like this. Sheff is helping a lot, too. He's made a point of getting me out of the house, which I've discovered during past depressive episodes, is vitally important to my personal healing process. Also, I've decided to start reading some different books. In recent months I've read a lot of non-fiction - anthropology mostly - and I've decided I might be better off reading some good fiction. Let my mind get lost in another universe for a while, you know? Last night I started Neil Gaiman's "The Graveyard Book". I know it's odd to think I might be cheered by a book about a boy who lives in a graveyard and is raised by ghosts, but I'm really enjoying it so far. Kinda puts my own problems in perspective, too. Not that perspective ever had any real affect on depression, of course! That would make too much sense! wink.gif Besides, you can get a lot darker than a kids' book by Neil Gaiman; Sheff is sitting next to me reading Lovecraft as I type. blink.gif

Seriously, though. I'm making a real concerted effort to fight this. It's only been 6 years since I was living down in the darkest pit of clinical depression. I don't want to go back there again if I can help it.
I usually have only thrown up when I've had the flu but I haven't had the flu in years. The only other thing that caused me to get sick was a really bad hangover so I guess that would make it about once or twice a year that I would usually throw up. Yesterday I threw up twice in one day. I do have a sensitive gag reflex but this is getting ridiculous. I don't see how crying is affecting my gag reflex.

Rose, it's good that Sheff is getting you out of the house. I know how hard it can be when you are really depressed. At my absolute worst point, I didn't go outside for 3 days straight. It's good to get out of the house even if it's just for a 10 minute walk. There's something therapeutic about it.
Rose, I always find that Gaiman's books have a hint of optimism. Mcgeek is always trying to get me out of the house which is usually an battle. I find that if he doesn't, I end up barely going to the mailbox outside.

I thought that this new project of selling the house would make me feel better about losing my job. It hasn't. I just heard from an agent that said no based on my neighborhood. For some reason, that really depressed me. I mean we put in a bathroom and everything! I realize that I don't live near downtown decatur, but gah. It's not my fault my neighbors don't take care of their houses.

Bleh. I gotta go work out or something.


ccg, when I get really upset and I cry, I do get physically ill, it's just the way my body reacts to my being so violently upset. It's been like this since I was a child.

I'm not really prepared to talk about other stuff at this moment, so I'm going back to lurking.


At this point I'm not even crying before throwing up. It's just happening. It's now been four times in three days. I'm going to the doctor. I'm pretty much convinced that it's my nerves but if it is my nerves then how am I supposed to make it stop? I'm quite frustrated. I have never felt so nauseous for such a long time.

Sassy, the whole real estate thing can be so frustrating. Trying to sell a house, trying to find a new place it's all a lot to deal with. It might take a while for things to get rolling but I'm sure that eventually it'll all work out.
CCGirl, I think it's a good idea to see a doctor. Maybe you've picked up a bug. Stress can weaken your immune system, so it makes sense.

CH, do whatever feels comfortable for you. We're here if you need us.

Sassy, I'm finding that one of the coolest things about Neil's books is that the lead characters are so brave, even in the scariest situations. Just think of Coraline and all she went through. She could have curled up in a ball and cried at any time, but she squared her shoulders and kept on going. The main character in The Graveyard Book seems to have the same quality. It's reassuring.

Overall, I've been doing better over the last few days. I feel like I've backed away from the ledge. Today I freaked out & felt a bit panicked about things for a while, but my mom called during that time & she calmed me down. The biggest problem is I haven't left the house in days. Granted, I've been bleeding a lot & a feeling reluctant to leave because of that, but I know I've also used it as an excuse. Tomorrow I need to force myself to get out & buy groceries. My favorite gourmet shop is having a sale, so I think I'll focus on that.


candycane_girl, I vomit a lot when I am going through a stressful situation. When I was in high school, my family moved and i puked every morning before school for an entire year. Now, I vomit when going through super-stressful things like break ups, long-distance moves, etc. However, I haven't had a stress related vomit in a long time. I am well medicated. I have a number of anxiety issues, so I take an anti-depressant to deal with that. I used to also be on some anti-convulsants to combat the anxiety. My doc also prescribes just a few half-milligrams of xanax each year to help me through stressful times--visits with my family, big moments for my career. Please do go to see a doctor. At least for the short term, you can get some anti-nausea pills, like the ones for migraines, and some xanax while you find a bigger, more long-lasting fix.

((((depressed busties)))) The trick is to keep breathing, if only for a minute, imho. I've found that one day at a time stuff can be for the birds, sometimes, it's enough to just make it through the next five minutes.
RV, some days it's hard to get out of the house for me as well. I'm been trying to force myself even to take the dogs for a walk. Losing my shitty internship really pissed me off. So, I've been basically hiding and crying. Yes, I've been working on trying to get the house ready to view, but I've been inside. Mcgeek always tends to think my depression is based on him, and his only goal is to make me happy. It's a sweet thought, but this is all me. Some days it is hard to breathe though. I do find that yoga helps if I have the energy.


anna k
I've been feeling down lately. Despite that I have an internship that I like and a good PT job, I doubt myself a lot, and sometimes lose confidence. I'm 25, but can feel more girlish than womanly, and make mistakes sometimes. Part of it has been from having pervasive developmental disorder (kind of like Asperger's), and having to work to be more social, more empathetic, more proactive in work, and I've felt like I've made strides in that this year, but still get mad at myself whenever I make some unintentional mistake, and have to break a bad habit or check myself, and feel guilty or less mature. I would just love to be a self-possessed, eloquent young lady, full of grace and talent and intelligence, but feel more ordinary, with just average intelligence, decent writing ability, a quieter demeanor, and someone who can be playful and silly when in a joking mood.

Sometimes I can get down on myself, and wonder how others can like me. I can smile and be polite and sweet and a good person, and love engaging in good conversations with my friends and acquantinces, and get a little surprised when someone greets me so warmly and happily, like I just underestimate myself.


(((period_monster)))) I'm so sorry you've gone through all of that, I never would have guessed. Kudos to you for being a survivor and persevering.
Hi, guys. I've been having a rough few months. I've mainly been posting about it in the Moving On thread. Long story short, I got my heart broken twice by the same girl, and I'm a complete wreck about it. We (officially) broke up over 2 months ago and I still feel desperately lonely and sad and angry and hopeless and while a lot of that is totally rational given the circumstances, I do have a history of depression, and right now I feel myself crossing the line from rational to depressed. I feel like I can't shut off my brain, and all my brain wants to do is pick apart every fucking detail about the breakup and the 6 months of shittiness that preceded it. I'm torturing myself. My feelings for this girl were so strong and I would have been perfectly able to channel that into a good friendship when we broke up, but when I found out 3 days after the breakup that she was already dating one of my close friends I just couldn't be friends with her, and now these feelings have nowhere to go and they're just tearing me apart. The past week has been really bad. I moved in with my aunts 3 weeks ago, putting 1200 kilometres between us, and other than one short "got here safe" email and a Michael Jackson text I haven't spoken to her since. This is the longest I've gone without seeing her, let alone contacting her, since we met 2 1/2 years ago. She was closer to me than anyone else, and cutting her out of my life like this is really scary. I think I'm just hitting the low point where I miss her more than ever before I finally start getting over her. At least that's what I'm hoping. Because I feel like a fucking basket case right now. I've got it really good here and I'm so lucky to have such a good, safe place to come to, but for the past week all I want to do is cry. I suddenly feel, for no reason, like all the wounds are fresh again.

((((((all you other depressed busties))))))
((epinephrine)) and everyone else..

So I am having a bad day. Last night I drank so much that I blacked out. I didn't even realize how much vodka i'd had because it was in a couple of mixed drinks and then I was out. Luckily I have good friends who took care of me, but today is really rough.

I know that my drinking is related to my depression. I get carried away, and also I know I'm not supposed to drink on my medication, yet for some reason i can't help myself. And once I start drinking I feel like I can't stop. It's bad. So I've decided to go see a counsellor on campus. Lucky for me now that I'm doing my Masters I have access to the campus health services for free... but I just need to talk to someone about how I can stay strong and stay away from alcohol, because it is very very bad for me. I always say I'm going to stop drinking, and then something like yesterday happens and it's the same stupid cycle. I think maybe counselling will help me break it.

((depressed busties))
lmaomao: you suck. if your website building skills were so brilliant, why do you need this horseshit?
I started taking St. John's Wort last week. I'm on 3 caps a day - one when I get up, one after I get home from work, and one before bed. I didn't really do any research - I know some people who've taken it and they haven't told me much except that it's subtle and there are no side effects. Except one guy I know who's already kind of psychotic and he tends to react really badly to it. I'd be as happy with a placebo effect as anything - happier, in fact, because I'd be feeling better all by myself and not because I just altered my brain chemistry with magical plants. Anyone else here taken it? There's not much on this thread about it.
I've never heard of it, but maybe someone else has... whatever works is good!

St John's Wort can stop contraceptive pills working properly, but apart from that I don't know of any side-effects.

Hi ladies. I'm starting to worry that I'm feeling depressed again. I'm kind of getting back into that old pattern where I will be totally fine during the day but then get really depressed at night. I don't know why, but that always seems to be how it goes for me. I'm just getting so frustrated and there's a lot on my mind so I guess I should break it down.

1. Money. My dad isn't getting paid right now and my mom doesn't earn that much. For the first time ever my dad has told me to apply for financial assistance. What's pissing me off though is that he has said that my parents would rather use some savings to pay my tuition so that I don't end up in a pile of debt. And yet he still wants me to go through all the hassle of applying. In addition to this, I have to tell the OSAP (that's the name of the financial assistance) what I earned last year. I don't know what I earned because our family's accountant has my T4 slip and still hasn't called us back to tell me what the amount was. I should have sent in all this info like two weeks ago but apparently no one around me understands the concept of a deadline (mainly my dad and the accountant) and I'm just getting frustrated when my dad is saying that we don't really need it anyway.

Anyway, the even more pressing issue is that I think I really need to work this coming semester. I worked during the fall semester last year and most of my grades dropped an entire letter grade. I'm worried about trying to balance work and school and a social life. I feel like it's impossible to find a job that will just give me a few hours rather than wanting me to work all the freakin time. In my experience managers always want you to come in when they say and they don't care what else you have going on.

2. My weight. I keep saying I want to lose it and yet I'm not even trying. I've been eating absolute crap lately and I have no one to blame but myself. I don't know why I keep doing it. I hate the way I look right now and yet I'm not doing anything to change it. This also goes back to the money issue. I've been wasting money on fast food. I could be saving so much money if I just made a sandwich or something at home but instead I go out to Burger King or Taco Bell even though I don't really want it. WTF is wrong with me? I mean, I don't even know if there's a name for this. It's one thing to actually have a craving for some bad food but at this point it's like I'm forcing it on myself. I really don't know what my problem is.

3. cc_boy. He has been so great lately and yet it's like I have to remind myself about all the sweet things he does. Also I've been feeling a bit schizo when it comes to him. Like, one night I got annoyed with him because I wanted him to come back to my place so we could hook up but he just wasn't in the mood. And yet then a few days later I was worried that he only wanted me for sex and not for a relationship. One minute I want to jump his bones and the next minute I'm worried that things are too physical. Gah!

I'm really just feeling out of sorts. I have a really close friend who is getting married and my cousin and another friend both just had babies. These are things that I would normally feel excited about but I just don't care right now. I don't feel like myself. I'm worried about my weight, about money and about my future grades. I feel like I can't do anything right. Like, I couldn't find a summer job but if I'm going to be 100% honest with myself I know that part of it is because I didn't look hard enough. So maybe I should just suck it up and get a crappy job and hope for the best. I don't know.

Sorry for the novel. Also, I'm sorry I don't come in here that often to lend support to other busties.
ccg - i'm sorry you have these $$ issues stressing you out. it's no fun - been there, done that....technically still in it! i can't really advise you much on the $$ thing, but maybe there is a financial advisor at your school that can give you some pointers? point you in the right direction?
for eating - i hear you on the eating out thing. if you don't go grocery shopping and you're just mainly eating out, for a single person, you're still not wasting too much money - though it is more finance-sensible to eat at home. i'll tell you what my registered dietician told me - stop counting calories and/or beating yourself up when you have something high in calorie/fat/sugar. focus instead on eating more veggies and fruits. you'll find, hopefully, as i have, that you have more energy and you're more full, so you're not craving the bad carbs at the fast food places.
ccboy - he could have still come back to your place with you even if you were not going to have sex :-) maybe he was just tired, and wanted to sleep so the next time together was quality. anyone is schizo in a new relationship :-) you're worried about other things - but since you know what you're worried about, maybe soon you can filter it away from the boy, so it's not like you're "taking it out on him" - does that make sense?
good luck!
Thanks, p 176. I just hate it when I act stupid around cc_boy. Like, after that whole incident I thought to myself "If the situation had been reversed and he was the one insisting on sex I would have called him a sex crazed pig." And it made more sense for him to go home that night since he had his bike and I had to take the subway to get home. And you're right, two days after that he came over and we had the most incredible sex ever.

The money thing is just so frustrating. I feel like right now I don't want to look for a job because I know that in a few weeks I'll be back in my hometown spending the week there for my close friend's wedding so I feel there's no point in getting a job and then saying that I need time off right away. I'm really hoping I can get a job on campus because they pay well and they don't make you work insane hours.

As for the food, I think that eating out is crazy expensive. Just today I went to Subway, got a six inch sub, chocolate milk and two cookies and it was just under $10. Ten dollars could get me a loaf of bread and all the ingredients to make egg salad which would provide me with sandwiches for a week. Also, I have a ton of food in my freezer so I'm really going to start eating it up and eating out as little as possible.

I'm feeling better now that I'm back in TO. I can't get over how bad my mood is when I'm back home. It's just like, being back in that shitty city plus dealing with my dad and my brother...gah.
ccg - what i used to do when i lived in my apt was i bought a food saver vaccum seal thing. then i bought a bunch of hambuger/groud turkey etc, and made patties then froze them. then when i made a meal, all i had to do was make the sides and defrost the meat. helped save money for a bit.
cc - I have a lot of the same stresses right now. I'm not sure what's happening with my OSAP application and I have to go see a financial advisor this week. I don't think I'm going to get as much money for the fall term as I did for the summer, and that worries me.

I also waste money on eating out, one of the reasons why I am just completely broke right now.

Also, doing my masters has caused a big strain on my relationship. I really don't have time to put into it right now and I think my boyfriend is getting kind of annoyed/worried about me because I'm really moody and tired these days. But only two more weeks and I'm off for three weeks until the fall term starts!

I hope things are looking up for you. Reading your post was kind of like reading about myself. I think maybe I'll stop taking my debit card/cash to school and then I won't spend money.


The house. The real estate agent said it wouldn't sell in this economy, even if we cleaned it up and fixed it. This put me into a deep depression, because it was the only thing standing in our way to move out west. Now, we have to put graduate school on hold as well.

Wedding stress is getting to me. We may finally have a caterer, but now trying to pick the venue and date. Mcgeek isn't helping much. All he does is play with his new laptop.

Also, ghosts from my past are popping up. Bad dreams about abusive horrible boyfriends. My sister as well. She abandoned me, and I am feeling horrible almost grief from it. She wasn't the best sister in the world, but she left due to her wedding. My parents and her in-laws were the leading cause. This was 5 years ago, but it still aches.

It also doesn't help that I don't have a job. Maybe I should volunteer. Staying in this house and crying isn't helping me at all.

I want to crawl under my duvet and hide.
Thanks ladies. I'm feeling better now. I notice my mind keeps going to negative thoughts and I'm trying so hard to just stay positive. It's kind of like, I could have a wonderful day but I'll focus on one bad thing. I'm really trying to change the way I think. Like, I'll ask myself "how much does this actually effect me?" or "does this even matter?" It's helpful. I let way too many little things bug me. I think I'll have to ignore the cob thread because it's too easy to get annoyed by little things. I don't want to be the cynical person who complains about everything.

I'm still having money issues, like I just can't believe how much I can spend. It's like money slips through my hands. The worst part is that I'm not spending it on anything crazy, mostly it's just groceries!

(((sassy))) I've never been engaged but I've heard all about the planning secondhand from friends and cousins. It sounds totally stressful. As for mcgeek, I'd have to guess that most guys aren't really into wedding planning. I would just say "fine, I'll do it but then don't complain if there's something you don't like".

(((lananans))) I would suggest only taking emergency money or maybe a credit card to school. Two things I always have on me are my OHIP card and a credit card. I don't know, it just feels like a safety net to me.
((ccg)) Do you think getting a check card/debit card would help? I do that. I only put enough money on it for food, clothes, etc.

My mother went mental on me yesterday b/c I brought up my sister ). I was basically just thinking about her. She thought I was talking to her again, and got very paranoid. Mom just laid into me about the wedding, not having a job, depression, etc. That made me feel worse.

However, we did pick a date I think (Pi day 3/14), and we have the reception nailed down. We're doing it at a local restaurant. I can breathe a little sigh of relief. Mcgeek is trying to be more helpful. I'm just going to give him simple tasks like book hotels and stuff.

I went out to eat with friends last night. It helped so much! I may go see "Funny People" tonight.
it's been ages since I've posted anything (long time lurker...), I am really shy but I'm hoping that someone here has some advice or comments. I am pretty convinced, from what I've read about it, that I have "body dysmorphic disorder" (BDD), meaning that my obsession with my looks is affecting my life in an increasingly horrible way.
I think most people with this disorder obsess about a specific body part and spend a lot of time looking in mirrors, trying to "fix" whatever "flaw" they have. With me it's a more general problem, I feel that I am basically an incredibly ugly-looking person and there is something just "wrong" with how I look. Being fat doesn't help things, however, in the past I have weighed much less than I do now and still felt the same way.
I can't deal with mirrors or any reflective surface as looking at myself makes me nauseous and will ruin my day (if not my week!) It is really an incredibly bizarre experience - on the outside I am a die-hard feminist who can quote from "The Beauty Myth", but on the inside I feel like such a shallow person who cares so much about something so superficial!
I'm hoping that someone else here has some advice or maybe has experienced something similar. One thing that I did to try and get over this is to do volunteer work (to get some perspective on my life & realize that other people in the world have it far worse than I do, with problems that are not only in their heads!) It does help a little, although it's kind of funny that I am known as "the fat girl" at the homeless shelter where I volunteer!
(((miss-e))) I'm not experienced in this area so I don't feel comfortable giving you any personal advice, but I do know that you can't go through this alone and you need to talk to someone right away. Talk to a doctor, a counsellor, a specialist, a psychologist/psychiatrist, anyone. That's an extremely dangerous and debilitating illness. Keep posting. We're listening. I think a lot of people are just scared of saying the wrong thing when someone's truly in need. How are you doing?

I've had a rough few days due to PMS, which always seems to send me over the edge when I'm already depressed. Thankfully it's over now, and I'm feeling better than I have all week. Interestingly, I had an especially shitty day this week when I felt awful for absolutely no reason, and all day at work people were telling me I seemed "off," and when I got home I realized I hadn't taken my St. John's Wort that morning. I usually take 600 mg when I get up and another 600 mg before bed. It could have just been a coincidence, because I'm not sure if the effects can wear off completely with one missed dose, but I remember wondering what the fuck my problem was all day, and I wasn't yet aware that I'd missed my dose. So it wasn't a placebo effect, and if it wasn't just a coincidence, I guess I have conclusive evidence that my St. John's Wort is working! I'm feeling ok most of the time when I don't have PMS, and I can't even remember the last time something made me cry, which, when I think about it, is leaps and bounds beyond where I was 2 months ago. The sadness is still there, it's not like I'm in a blissed-out haze and can't remember why I'm sad, but the sense of raw despair is gone. Most of the time, anyway. So I haven't forgotten who I am and what my problems are, it just doesn't all seem so awful now.

I work at a health food store that sells a lot of herbal supplements, including several brands of St. John's Wort, and I did some price comparison today and found that, with my 25% staff discount, the highest-quality brand in the store is cheaper than the cheapest value-sized bottle I could find at Zellers, so I bought a bottle. Right now I'm taking Weber's Naturals, which is an extract in 300mg gel capsules. The new one I bought today is by Flora Health, and it's an oil-based extract in 450 mg softgels, so not only is the dose higher, but it's supposed to be more potent and pure. I've had no side effects from the St. John's Wort, either, and I can be sensitive to certain things. I tried Holy Basil for relaxation and it consistently gave me such awful, loud, obnoxious dreams that they disturbed my sleep, and I ended up feeling less rested than I did before.
Miss-e: I have much empathy for you - I relate to everything you said. There are days (most of them) where I have such negative thoughts I don't even want to leave the house. I don't want to make this all about me though, so let me give you a little perspective.....I think volunteering is an excellent idea to improve your self worth, but if people there could be making things worse for you if they are calling you "the fat girl" to your face. That's terrible! Maybe you could volunteer at an animal shelter or something like that?
I know how hard it is to improve your feelings about yourself. I am with you on the whole "being a hardcore feminist" on the outside, but on the inside it's like you are falling in sync with everyone else. I am the same way. It's very hard to ignore the ways of the world. I have realized taking up new hobbies or going to a yoga class always helps me feel better. So do walks outside during the day. Is there any trails or parks where you can go near you? Sunlight produces feel-good chemicals in your brain, and on days you're feeling particularly crummy, it helps. I try to avoid fashion magazines at all costs, seeing the "perfect" women often gets the ball rolling for me. Those things are poisonous. Talking to a therapist could really be beneficial for you, if you feel comfortable with that sort of thing, some people don't, but maybe that could help you work through some of your issues.
((miss-e)) - I would talk to someone about how you're feeling, a therapist, best friend, doctor, or anyone you feel comfortable with. I agree with Madame Hooch, walking outside gets the endorphins going and gets you out in the sun for a while, it would feel good. I find the hardest part with exercise is getting out and started, but afterwards I always feel great.

epinephrine -- sometimes I have an off day, and I realize I didn't take my pill that day (Celexa).. I know that there's enough of it in my system by now that I shouldn't notice, but sometimes it does seem to affect me, I guess it could be the same with the St. John's Wort.

((sassy)) good luck with the planning!

Cc -- I think I'm just going to take emergency cash. My credit card is maxed out wacko.gif so that wouldn't really do me much good. *sigh*

I've been seeing a therapist for the last month or so, and I have found that he's really helped me deal with my issues that I tried to forget about before. I would try to keep things in locked boxes in my head, but those boxes always leak out the negative thoughts... dealing with them really helps. I still feel anxious and depressed about certain things, but I know that I can deal with them.
I need some good vibes for Mrs. rouge. She forgot to pick up her medication and had to go with out it. She's feeling it and there is nothing I can do.
((Mrs. Rouge)) ((deschats)) I hope everything is okay.

I've had about a week of the blues. I'm hoping my therapy session helps me. I've been still overwhelmed, and can't figure out. Maybe it's the wedding planning, or the dog being in the hospital. I just feel really sad. I can't seem to cheer up. I did work out today, and hopefully the endorphins will kick in. I just want to go back to bed.
I'm sorry Sassygrrl. I hope you feel better.

So, it's my first week at college. Not the third day I'm here someone writes on my door "your ugly." At first I don't feel too bad about it because they're obviously stupid if they can't use the right "you're." Whatever. I still am feeling kind of upset about this whole college experience because I keep getting comments about my weight from complete assholes. I'm not allowing it to get me depressed, but I am a little sad.
twelve, those people are assholes! I lived in residence once and to be perfectly honest, it was one of the worst experiences of my life. So I hope that yours is okay. Just try to remember that people are idiots.

I'm feeling frustrated. I just tried to cry and I could barely cry. I don't totally feel sad, I think it's more like frustration. There were a few times earlier today when I was thinking about all the stuff I have due for school and I just wanted to cry. It's even more frustrating though when it won't happen! On Friday I went to this show/discussion that had a lot of slam poetry. There were so many times that night that I could have just cried and cried, it was a really emotional show but in a good way. However, I held it back. And now when I don't want to hold back, there's nothing there.


Thanks for the vibes. Mrs. Rouge is much better now.

For starters ((((ccg, sassy, 12%, lananans))))

I am finally somewhat ready to open up about my depression.

A few months ago, I as diagnosed with depression, I believe it was May. It'd had been a rough ride before I finally went and got help.

I was a social worker (job unhappiness is putting it mildly), there is a substantial family history of mental illness. I remember one day I went to work late, and was there for only an hour, for the next three hours (the entire drive home) and at home, I was lying on the bathroom floor crying uncontrolably. I got physically sick because of it.

I tried things holistically first, counselling, change of diet and working out more. Which helped, for about a half day, then it was back to very destructive behaviour. Things got progressively worse and worse, where I had active thoughts of suicide (I had a plan and everything). I went to my doctor, was put on meds and monitered very closely (like going every two weeks). I went to a different counsellor. at first I had issues with the fact that I had to take a pill in order to maintain my mental health, and I still have days like that.

Things are mostly good, but I'm finding the week of my period to be absolute hell. This week has been really rough for me. Today I felt numb, and not so happy. I just want to curl up and sleep.

There's more, but I don't want to be a thread hog and I just don't want to get into some things yet.

that is all.


If there's one piece of advice I can give you it would be to keep talking to different therapists until you find one who is right for you! Unfortunately, that may require going to a professional who actually requires payment. When I went through the worst depression of my life (wow, about 5 years ago) I first went to the local community health centre. I had an intake and then they told me it would be a long time before they could pair me with a social worker so in the meantime I saw a psychiatrist. He was useless. Since he was a psychiatrist he was really clinical. He had me do cognitive behavioural therapy (bo-ring! and didn't help much) and it really bugged me when he would ask me things like "What do you want to take in school?" and then when I told him he would be like "Well you can't really get a job with that."

He was really mostly there just to monitor my med situation. Finally they paired me with a social worker. She was also..bad. I felt like I would be really upset about things and her response was along the lines of "don't worry, be happy!" Obviously she didn't actually say that but she may as well have. She was just totally useless and I felt like she didn't take my problems seriously.

Finally I eventually ended up seeing a psychologist but she charged $100 for a one hour session, and that was her reduced rate. However, she was the only person who made me feel like she actually understood what I was saying and could understand my problems.

How is the new counsellor working out with you?
(((CH))) I'm glad you felt comfortable to share your story. I hope you can post more as you feel comfortable. I found the board to be a good place to get support when I was going through a severe depression coupled with panic attacks and agoraphobia. It sounds like you are making changes for yourself which is a start. I hope things continue to improve for you.
I've been incredibly lucky with my therapists. I was set up with a woman through EAP, who was amazing, but I wanted this to keep this separate from EAP. There was also an event which prompted things to change, so i went to my doctor and had a referral made to what is called a shared care counsellor, she works in the same office as my doc, and had access to my medical files and could makes notes in my files. she works very closely with my doc. The day i went was the day the referral was made, I got a phone call that day from the counsellor and had an appointment the following week.

She is amazing, we bonded right away. She got me set up with meditation and mindfulness as a start, I did CBT with the work woman, which worked as well. So, I've been so so fortunate. The counseling is going amazing. It's just that period week has turned into a fiasco. It's like everything I've learned in therapy goes out the window completely.

Thank you for love.

(((ccg and star)))
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