Sep 9 2006, 10:02 AM
Maddy, I totally know what you mean about your friends. I have like, almost no one to call. I was always flaky, and people just started dropping away. I usually don't even feel like doing anything, but last night I felt awful. It was Friday night, I was sitting around doing nothing, and I couldn't really believe this is what my life is turning out to be. I"m also trying to quit smoking so I can relate to your quitting smoking up...I do ok for a day but then I have problems with my husband, and I go buy a pack.
My husband left again, he's from Europe, went back there, supposedly for a month, this is the third time in two years we've been married he has done it. I'm starting to not even want to be in this relationship anyway, he makes me feel like an annoyance for wanting to talk to him, and then I just spiral into self-pity. And cry. He has actually turned his cell phone off, how nice! I'm not even sure therapy is working. She keeps saying that there is something about me that makes me put up with a relationship like this, when can't it just be that I'm scared to be alone? Even though I'm alone anyway. I don't even feel like talking most of the time I go to therapy.
I'm going to Long Island to see my family, and I dont even feel like doing that much, it's just an excuse to get out of the house. Which by the way, looks like a bomb hit it, but I can't even begin to imagine really cleaning.
Sep 9 2006, 08:55 PM
Ugh. I felt so shitty today. Bad stomach ache, and just cramps.... severe pms does not help either. And got into a major fight with a boy I had a crush on. But, I feel everyone on the dropping off of friends. Most don't want to hear about it, and just give me this "things will pick up" speech. I'm so fucking sick of it.
All I ever due is cry and sleep. Therapy is helping a little though. I planned an emergency session for next week. Also job anxiety about a work review, but that's another thread.
Sep 9 2006, 09:20 PM
I hate depression. It creeps on me when I'm feeling lonely or bored and am alone with my thoughts too much. I haven't gotten to hang out with anyone in weeks, and have been busy with school and work. Despite my personal successes (finishing school, being published in known magazines, working for a famous magazine and being praised by my boss), I can get really depressed when I'm alone. I don't have close friends and it's rare when I can spend some time with somebody and hang out. I crave sexual touch but hate being touched by strangers and get turned off easily. I just feel like a solitary career woman at 23 and miss having relationships with people. It doesn't help that I live in NYC and life feels transitory and fast-moving.
I hate it when I have to make plans to see friends, who are nice and sweet to me, but never call me to hang out. I hate having to be the instigator and make everything happen in my life, and seeing my brother party with his friends all the time, livin' it up at 19. Even when I was 19 I was shy and reserved and had very few close friends. None of those friends are in my life due to life changes.
I've studied my astrological sign in astrology books a lot lately. It makes me feel special in the world, like the combination of planets and the moon and numbers make me so gifted and special. I'm also a cusp, which gives me two different sides, and I was diagnosed with mild autism as a child, which made me feel like a reserved freak. So all of this made me think, what was going on when I was born?!
Sep 10 2006, 09:32 PM
I hate depression. Tomorrow is going to be a bad day because I'm super depressed about 9/11 . At least today, I got out to go see a movie. But even that took some effort on my part. Yet, I felt much better once I was out. It just took a lot of effort to even get dressed.
I'll also been studying a lot about my sign in astrological books.
Sep 11 2006, 02:12 PM
crazyoldcatlady- what are your fears about medications? i was VERY resistant to meds, and refused them for years and years of suffering and hell. Now I'm not sure why
Meds have helped me a lot. They aren't a cure all, they do have side effects, but man have they helped me a LOT. they kind of give me a more stable ground to stand on, so that i can focus on doing the things in my life that will really make me feel better. but, what are your worries about going on a medication?
dandelion-i read your letter in the letters thread, and it's very very sad. your hubbie sounds like a poophead, really. i hope that's not offensive to you, but he's a poophead. doesn't sound like he deserves you, or realizes what an amazing person you are. you deserve to be with someone whose eyes light up at the sight of you, who couldn't imagine being away from you for so long, who appreciates all of the kind things you do for him. i can't even imagine how terrifying your situation is, being so depressed and unhappy, but being so scared to end the relationship.
sassy and anna, how are you guys managing today?
i've been noticing what a huge role GUILT plays in my depression. guilt about not working out, not eating right, not having enough friends, not cleaning the house, not volunteering, not working more, smoking too much, blah blah blah blah blah. anyone else?
Sep 11 2006, 02:46 PM
I'm fine, but I still hate being lonely. I'm going to a trivia game show tonight, being held at a local bar. And I'll go to the next NYC Bustie meetup.
Sep 11 2006, 03:24 PM
I wanna try to make it to the next NYC meetup. Did we decide on Oct or Nov??
I'm okay. I was dazed at work. Almost told my boss to fuck off. It was 4:20, and apparantly there were some big whigs dicks from our Washington DC office, and my co-worker and I were giggling. And, my cunt of a boss came by and said: MANAGE YOUR VOLUME!!! What-the-fuck-ever.
Just really sad and angry. Although, I didn't lose anyone in the 9/11 incident, but I wanted to cry all day long. I'm going to try to have dinner with a friend to get my mind off it. I tried to go to a memorial service, but there weren't any in my town. Weird.
Guilt happens to me as well. That's why I was so glad that I got off my ass yesterday afternoon. The hardest part for me lately is even agreeing to do anything. Does that make any sense? It's just an effort even to smile lately.
Going to try to hang out with some old close friends this weekend. Maybe that will help a little bit.
Sep 11 2006, 05:04 PM
ugh, i Still feel like crap.
today is one of my best friend's birthday. we used to have big virgo bashes every year, great party, it always ended in singing. blah. she lives so far away i can't even give her a hug.
Sep 11 2006, 07:05 PM
Sep 12 2006, 08:11 AM
ahhh, you are in the medical profession-explains a lot of the fear! I totally hear you on the stigma, I was a social worker (ha ha) and woulnd't go on meds, partly because of that. As soon as I quit my job/career I went on meds. I know what you mean also, about insurance. It is scary to think/know that they could deny you for coverage later, or people finding out. Nowadays though, SO many people are on meds, or have been on them, that I Think the stigma for taking meds is less and less. But I hear you, considering where you work and live.
if you think that it mostly is situational, then i can also see your reluctance. What is the situation?
St' John's wort-i haven't taken it but many have-I think there was talk in the alternative health thread maybe? People have had mixed results with it, so it could be worth a try-that way you could avoid the record-keeping part of it.
as for side effects, yeah-you don't really know until you're on them. i was on prozac for a few months and i lost weight. now i'm on celexa and i don't really notice any side effects. i guess i'm lucky, cause i know others have bad side effects.
Sep 12 2006, 09:36 AM
St. John's wort was great for me for a long time. No side effects. I took it for about 6 years but then quit when I went on the Pill (as St. John's Wort makes the pill less effective). I just recently started taking SAM-e, anyone have any experience with it? It's only been a few days so it's too soon to say if it's helping, but everything I read about it looked great.
Sep 12 2006, 09:41 AM
so depressed. just don't want to do Anything. ugh.
Sep 12 2006, 12:59 PM
pepper-i'm sorry if i added to your burden by being all upsetty in the sex thread
i wans't trying to single you out but you kept responding
i must say i'm learning a lot over there.
have you eaten anything today?
Sep 12 2006, 06:44 PM
maddy, not to worry. nothing that gets discussed in here affects my depression one way or another, or i'd avoid the lounge entirely. i'm a tough cookie, my current state of mind is because of something else.
eating, no. not so much.
Sep 13 2006, 07:10 AM
i'm always bugging people about getting something to eat, even if they have to force it down. if you don't have any fuel, there's no way your body will be able to function-depression or not. Even if it's just ice cream or chocolate, it's important to get some calories in there. are there any comfort foods that sound at all appealing?
(i figured as much about the other thread but just wanted to make sure...)
Sep 13 2006, 09:10 AM
i ate half a block of cheese late last night because my bod was so starved but i couldn't be fucked to actually make something.
i'm feeding the kid but honestly, i am just not interested all that much. i force this and that down but all i like anymore are apples.
i just posted some fabulous recipes in barefoot though. now that is odd.
Sep 13 2006, 10:18 AM
cheese is good. i mean, really whatever you can get down and keep down is fine. i used to eat a bunch of dove dark chocolate squares, when i had no food in the house (too depressed to shop), no appetite for real food. i figured, at least i'm getting some calories in, however i do it.
apples are good too.
i wish i could smoke you up, that'd probably help with the appetite
Sep 13 2006, 04:34 PM
I ate two royal dark cadburys bar at work yesterday. I realize that my lack of eating is due to this depression. I'm almost having to force myself to eat.
I hate this. Most of it is job related, and I'm trying to work on that end of it.
Going to hang out with some good friends this weekend. And going to Tom Petty next weekend.
Trying to get sleep is really hard. My mind doesn't seem to ever want to shut off lately.
Maddy, come over here!
Thinking of smoking up this weekend... maybe on the second date with the boy. I could really use a joint.
Sep 13 2006, 06:33 PM
dr today, classic symptoms of clinical depression. no, i will not take serotonin boosting drugs unless it is a last resort. she told me to start with st john's wort but then said it can take SEVERAL WEEKS before i feel any effects. wtf? several weeks eh? no problem, i can hack this for several more weeks.
Sep 13 2006, 06:42 PM
I tried St John's Wort, and it didn't work for me. But, I have been on SSRI's before, and I don't want to be on them again.
Fuck. I just can't stop crying.
Sep 13 2006, 06:51 PM
that sucks that it didn't work. did you take it the way they say your supposed to? three times/day in a regulated dosage is what the doctor told me, that's what the did in the clinical trials.
sorry you feel so shitty. i'm better a bit now that i'm home and it's starting to storm out too, which i love, and there is an enormous double rainbow over the mountains right now that is absolutely stunning so... all that and some wine and i'll feel fine. or at least be sleeping.
Sep 13 2006, 07:15 PM
Maybe I'll try it again. It's been a few years, but I'd rather do St John's than meds.
It's been raining all day, which I loved. And, I got to wear my rain boots today which was nice. Watching the Golden Girls and eating more Cadbury. It seems to be helping.
Maybe I just need a good night's rest.
Cool beans about the rainbow. Sounds pretty.
Sep 14 2006, 03:11 AM
Bleh. I know I've been posting all over the lounge but had crap nightmare about Canada shooting, and now I'm up wide awake at like 5 a.m.
At least Eddie is helping.
Sep 14 2006, 12:09 PM
hey sassy and pepper
yeah, forcing yourself to eat sucks, but it really does help, otherwise your body will keep getting weaker and weaker. the weaker your body is the more the depression will take a toll on you. find a few foods that you can manage, milkshakes are good-you can throw in protein and fiber powder, fruit smoothies, stuff that goes down easy.
in the alt health thread people say flax seed or fish oil is great-i'm taking flax seed and evening primrose, i dunno if it's helping my mood, but i guess our bodies need it-the omegas.
ok blah blah blah food. sorry
that was just one of the first things i learned that actually helped my depression on a daily basis.
yah, i mean i smoke way too much weed, which definitely contributes to my depression in some ways now. but, it's not bad to relax every now and then.
i'm going camping this weekend and hopefully the weather will be good. i need to get outta the city for a while, cause it's soooo fucking busy here with all the billions of new students (boston). and i need some nature. that always helps too, clears my mind. man,i wish i had a mountain view! my view is the fire station across the street and the dirty street. sweeet!!! i know you are so jealous!
Sep 14 2006, 04:29 PM
HORRID SHITTY DAY.
I stepped in human shit literally at work. I threw up due to it, b/c it got all over my clothes. And then almost had a seizure due to the stress of situation, and a bit of an anxiety attack. I almost broke down in my supervisor's office crying my eyes out. My face was flushed and red.
"Why are you so red??" Woman, I just stepped in human feces! A little shaken up here. Gawd.
I forced myself to eat lunch, and threw it up. So, now I'm just drinkin water and ginger ale. I tend to go to bed really early tonight.
They're already angry at me for taking a few days off work, but Christ all mightly I stepped in someone else's poop for God's sake.
Camping sounds awesome maddy! Very jeolous.
I'm going to try to spurlge this weekend and get my shop on. I'm using the fall weather to buy some new clothes. Also need a few new books, dvds, and cds. Going to get BestBuy and Amazon.com I think. Also hanging out with one of my best gal pals this weekend.
And then I have date #2 with Mccrushie. He sent me the sweetest email.... Aww....
Sep 14 2006, 04:40 PM
eating udon noodle soop, so gggoooooodddd! i got beef because i suspect that my iron is low and i prolly really need the protein but the vegetarian in me is cringing a bit with every mouthful. oh well.
it's easier when i don't have to make food myself, i'm way more inclined to obey the hunger signal if there is something right there. otherwise i just ignore it. not so wonderful.
i had an ok day. not great, not terrible. i'm having a harder time than usual with people making arguements personal and name calling. it's ugly, it's ignorant, it's immature, it's rude, and it's a way to provoke more of an arguement instead of facilitating discussion.
this is a Discussion board! it's not the monty python house of pointless arguements, that's for sure.
*just breath and let it go...ahh...*
the house is still a wreck but meh. i got some stuff for the fish tank and i'm going to dismantle it and change it up this weekend. poor wee fishies, they just got used to it in there! oh well, i'm a habitual rearranger so, even though MY house is a disaster, the fact that i actually want to change things around is probably a good sign.
going to do something productive now. i'm not sure what but i'll choose one of the many neglected tasks and get it over with...
Sep 14 2006, 04:51 PM
Pepper, Monty Python House of Pointless Arquements... heh.
I think I'll watch Holy Grail tonight. John Cleese never fails to make me snort giggle.
I love udon noodle soup.
Stomach is feeling crappy (for obvious reasons) so I'm just eating saltines right now. I really want to go on ice cream run, b/c I'm craving sticky toffee pudding ice cream, but won't have cash in account until tomorrow.
Love to everyone else.
Think I may head back to bed or take a long bath. Shit, it's only like 7 pm, but it's been a long day.
Sep 15 2006, 07:50 AM
pepper, i just read your post in confessions but wanted to reply here-about your "knock out pills." do you think you could get something softer, like a bit of xanax or something like that? it's fast acting, and it's not so strong that it'll be dangerous to be taking care of a child. it might help you get to sleep at night....just a thought- i take xanax and love it
yay for you eating food! take out and delivery are the bestest things ever. i used to order indian food delivered every friday night-it was my big treat, and the only night i ever used to feel full-cause it actually tasted good to me.
these boards are a good opportunity to change how we react to insults or to things that upset us. it IS hard not to be mean, call names or just be nasty, when you're feeling upset. esp when you just can post it, you don't have to look the person in the face and say it...so that makes it pretty easy to be mean. but, i agree, name-calling an dthe like are just sinking to the level of the trolls...bleh.
sassy, are you at home today? that is just soooo grody about the pooh. that is a total health hazard and they should've immediately helped you clean up and sent you home to burn your clothes and sterilize yourself in the shower! giving you a hard time? wtf! it's POOOOOOOP. yuck.
catlady-are you around? how are you? any more thoughts about meds?
Sep 15 2006, 09:24 AM
i just got a summons for jury duty. i'm wavering between laughing my panties off and crying my eyes out. wtf are they thinking? i know, i know they have no idea that i've broken my mind, of course they don't. but it's just amazing to me that i can feel like this and the whole world doesn't know it. when people ask me 'how are you?' i just feel like 'what? are you freaking Kidding me? How Am I?!" seriously, making me bitchy. gah.
ok, i am having coffee in an effort to prevent myself from going back to bed. i need to have a shower, i am seriously dirty. i can't even remember when i last washed my hair. i have really, really curly hair though so it's actually good for it to not get washed very often but still. there is a LOT of housework that needs doing and i have to make my kid a lunch and bring it by the school And i have plans with the neighbour to go to the pet store in the next town and get things for the fish tank. so, at least i have a plan, if no motivation to carry it out.
and i'll get a note from the doctor about the jury duty. it's just hard to do that because my regular doctor is on sick leave until november and they are hesitant to fill out any disablilty forms or the like for patients they don't know so this new doctor is lovely but i just met her like two weeks ago so... i can't ask her for much but there are things that i need from her.
it's funny, she'll put me on seratonin drugs but won't give me a note for employment insurance. weird. she's doing what she can for me though and i am making regular appointments with her and stuff. le sigh, it all makes me so tired.
maddy, i've worked really hard in my life to not be a reationary person, i try to talk about the issue instead of the person but some people just don't want to hear what you have to say in an impartial light. everything is about them and they can't help themselves, they get so defensive and nasty and personal back at you. it really sucks on so many levels, it's hard to continue what could be a great conversation with differing view points (which i really like, it's boring when everyone agrees) and it invalidates everything you said by diminishing it to whatever personal thing ticked them off in the first place. it's sad to take the time to write a great huge post (or conversation), to get your feelings and thoughts into a cohesive parcel of words and deliver it to someone only to have them dismiss it with some kurt nasty response. i'm not talking about anything in particular at this point either, just communication in general. anyhow, can't get caught up in that, it'll drive me crazy.
hope everyone is doing alright today...
Sep 15 2006, 03:52 PM
Sep 15 2006, 04:13 PM
Thank God it's Friday.
No, I went to work today. One of the supervisor just backed up from me like I had the black death glaring at me, and was all: "Did you go to the doctor? Are you contingous?" "L, I stepped in shit. Not my own!!" It pisses me off that it got around the whole fucking office. It should have just gone as far as my supervisor. Hence, I don't trust her worth a damn. I keep thinking I'm going to get fired. It wouldn't be the worst thing, but.... I should know about my three month review or if they will keep me by next week. Shit, I know this should go in another thread.. sorry ya'll.
Work was random. However, my boss got on me for not making a series of calls that I was supposed to make in the morning. I had about 50 appointments to collect on.. and then she sends this really rude email telling me to explain myself. She also sent it to her boss. I did, and I told her the truth. Of course, this is like right at 3:30. I had to go to the bathroom in the stall, and just scream.
There's a bottle of Pinot Noir, and Golden Girls dvd waiting for me right now. At least some of my appetite came back a little. I was able to eat lunch.
My girl friend had three teeth pulled today, so we were supposed to go out tomorrow. I'm going to make a point to at least go window shopping and try to catch a movie tomorrow. I need motivation to get the fuck out of bed this weekend.
Think I'll order some takeout too...
Pepper, jury duty sucks! I'm sorry! People at work were asking that too, and I wanted to tell them to fuck off. "How are you?" I know they were trying to be nice, but... "Not good. Get the fuck away from me." I just gave them death glares.
No one was in a good mood at my job today though.
Oh, on a side note. I bought some Aleve and some heat wraps for my cramps. I intend to eat some Phish food, and watch some silly tv tonight.
Have a good weekend everyone....
Sep 18 2006, 02:06 PM
I really hate being depressed. I hate having to make social dates with people to feel more open and less lonely, or finding things to do at night so I won't be sitting in my room watching TV. I feel very solitary, and I always wanted a pack of girlfriends or some college group of friends (even when I was in college, I felt lonely among college groups). I can feel like a lone freak.
Sep 19 2006, 11:06 PM
oh goddess, chest hurting, can't breathe ~~ breathe breathe breathe~~
i tried to work today at my friend's shop, so not ready. i'm feeling freaky about not being able to take care of me and little. i mean, i've been on my own since 15-16, i am the only one doing shit for us. (not true, my sis just sent me some dough to cover some of my overwhelming credit card bills. my little sister, can you imagine how much that sucks?)
anyhow. i am still in the process of being approved for temporary disability (when i can expect 55% of my regular pay each month, oh joy) and i have to Jump Through Hoops getting paper work together and having my doctor fill out forms. of course, my doc is still on her own medical leave so what the fuck, i am up the creek in that respect. every fucking inch i gain i have to fight for and i have to do it in the fucking welfare office of all goddamn places. nice. i haven't been humiliated enough? i paid that fucking money out in taxes to cover just such an instance, is it so much to ask that they actually just give it back to me in a timely fashion without torturing me in the process?
holy maude damn hell, i am Trying to Not Be so Fucking Depressed over here!! what is with the road blocks and hurdles that a normal f-ing person would find challenging?
oh my god, i hate this.
i seriously am having trouble breathing.
can i get an advocate? i can't deal.
Sep 20 2006, 08:36 AM
so sorry you are going through all of this. i really can't imagine how hard it would be to feel so awful, and have to take care of a child! that is truly amazing to me. and the fact that you've been on your own since such a young age, that takes incredible strength and will and courage.
is the disability through your work? like i pay a bit each paycheck for short-term disabiltiy coverage, is it like that? and you have to go the welfare office to get it? that seems weird.
Sep 20 2006, 09:54 AM
thanks. i don't know how mamas do it, we just do. some hidden reserve of strength that having someone totally dependant on you brings out. some mom's don't thought i guess so at least i'm still handling that.
the insurance isn't through work, it's through the employment insurance office. are you in canada? if not, here we pay out in taxes a bit each paycheque towards employment insurance to cover such a time of unemployment, then we are eligable for 55% of our previous wages (over the last 6 months) for a period of time. but it takes them forEver to process your claim so in the meantime what to do? instead of changing their system so that you aren't totally financial screwed there is a process whereby you can get temporary support from welfare, when your claim has been processed the payments are backdated to the time you applied and that first payment goes to pay back the welfare payment. the government paying themselves back. it is really stupid.
i'm calling the doc today, i really am having trouble breathing. ack.
Sep 20 2006, 10:22 AM
ahh, i see ok. i'm in the US, but we have unemployment compensation too. my friend did that a while back, and it was stressful and took a while-she still had her 2nd job so she managed, but she didn't have a child, either!
yeah, you gotta have the strength if you don't wanna fuck up your kid-some parents just let it go, but you are taking good care of your child and that takes a lot!
that does sound like a really stupid and inefficient system, yeah. how long do you have to wait to get the temporary support? do they put you through the wringer and treat you shitty? that's how it is here....they look down on you and treat you like a moocher, etc.
have you been back to see your therapist? i remember you missed an appointment awhile back...
Sep 20 2006, 10:56 AM
actually, getting the temp support part was really easy. of course i had to ransack my filing cabinet (thank goodness i'm so organized) for a thousand documents they wanted but they gave me money right that day. it's the other part that's ridiculous.
the therapist called me but i got a weird document in the mail from the benefits office at the bank and now i think that he won't actually be covered if i don't apply for benefits through the bank. i'm not doing that, i don't work there and i never will again and i can't have bank benefits and provincial benefits at the same time so i'm looking at a total mess of paperwork and phone calls to sort this out. i just hope he doesn't go and bill me for the sessions we already had.
can you see what i mean about jumping through hoops? it's maddening, all i want to do is rest...
Sep 20 2006, 11:15 AM
aaaaaaaack! yes, you need a nap! that totally sucks about the insurance. once you get on the other assistance, will you be covered for therapy? seems like too much to deal with right now though. it is ridiculous, cause like, if you were able to do all these things, you'd be able to work, and not have to do these things. grrrrrr.
Sep 21 2006, 08:06 PM
I think I'm feeling close to suicidal. I feel so alone and so hopeless. The only thing I had that was good in my life was my job. And now that's gone to shit. Everything I believed to be true about everything seems to be unraveling. I just want an off switch or a coma. I don't want to think anymore or hurt anymore or worry anymore or cry anymore or feel like I need to be punished anymore. I want it all to just stop hurting so damned bad.
Sep 21 2006, 08:41 PM
Got really depressed last night. I have no idea why except for hormones.
I started crying for no reason last night for like 3 hours. It was weird. I'm not sure if this was due to anxiety about new boy or work situation.
I've also missed therapy for like 2 weeks. I sent my theparist panic attack sort of email last night flipping out.
Sep 21 2006, 09:45 PM
cried in the kitchen last night. or was that night before last? can't remember but it was Bad.
kelkello, girl. ((((you))))
this too shall pass. when i feel the lowest i can't beleive it will ever get better, but it does. a bit, a bit more. i am considering the serotonin medication. sometimes i think i really, really need it. would you talk to your doc about something like that? it isn't supposed to be addictive, just a temp measure to get you through it.
Sep 22 2006, 09:00 AM
it's funny, cause i was just thinking about meds for pepper-cause really, you could use a small dose for a couple of months, to get back on track, and then go off of them. i think it can be a good bridge back to health.
kelkello-sorry you are feeling so bad. i don't know if this applies to you, but i've found that when i want to die, or when i say i wish i oculd just curl up and die, what it REALLY means is "i feel extremely overwhelmed." That's what I'm really saying. i finally figured that out like, 2 weeks ago
It's like, I can't handle everything, I just wnat to curl up in bed and put the covers over my head and pretend the world doesn't exist.
oh yeah, about me-i'm feeling shitty this week. i didn't work out, which i'm sure is a huge part of it. but of course i feel guilty about that and i should know better so then i beat myself up. nice.
also the boyfriend is just pissing me off a lot and making me feel sad and hurty and unwanted. bleh. stupid head.
all i wanna do is go home, smoke weed and finish my puzzle, and watch my taped angel reruns.
Sep 23 2006, 10:18 AM
Pepper: Thanks for the concern. I was on seratonin meds for 8 years, and they worked okay. I went off for two years and when I went back on I felt worse than I did before I took them. I felt I was viewing the world through a hazy bubble. I had no emotions other than feeling like I wanted to die. And to make matters worse, I couldn't have an orgasm when I was on them the second time. It's like my body rewried itself in the time between being on and off of them. I terrified to go on them again. I'm on an anti-anxiety (klonopin). It keeps the worst of the panic away, but not the depression.
Maddy: I haven't been working out as much either, and I think that is a huge part of how I'm feeling. The problem is, of course, when feeling this shitty, it's hard to get off my sorry ass and get active. I'm going to have to force the issue.
Overall, I feel very scared and panicky about a lot of things. My job, my relationship (bf being a bit of an ass), my fear of another herpes outbreak (yeah, that was a bomb that got dropped last month. BF gave me herpes. He didn't know he had it because he's asymptomatic), my crappy past (which I know I can't do anything about, yet for some reason it's been haunting me lately). I dunno. I just feel lousy. I don't think I want to die right now. I think you're right, Maddy. I feel so overwhelmed. I just want to hide from the world. I sometimes wish hosptitals would put people in voluntary comas.
Sep 23 2006, 12:07 PM
Voluntary comas... That is something I would love to sign up for. Every winter I just want to go to sleep and wake up in the spring.
But--I wanted to post this for those of you who are struggling and aren't sure about taking meds. I was diagnosed with dysthymic disorder when I was 14 and I've struggled with periods of depression for almost 10 years. I started taking nortiptyline when I was 17 for chronic headaches, and I haven't been able to go off it yet--I've tried a few times, when I felt my headaches were better, but I end up a wreck, bawling and hopeless, within a few days. Anyway--here's the point. I've been having a really hard time lately (graduated college in May, still haven't gotten a job, want to move away but have no money, so on and so forth) and I felt like I better do something about it before I became a real mess. I did some research on SAM-e and thought it would be worth a try. I've been on it for a little over 2 weeks now and I really think it's helping, a lot. I haven't been crying, I've been sleeping better, and I'm SO much more motivated. Seriously, before starting this stuff I was so apathetic about things, not caring if the house was a mess or if I ate anything. Now I'm like cleaning the litter box every day and doing dishes and washing floors--my guy came home the other day and couldn't believe how much I'd gotten done. Oh, and my headaches have been a lot, lot better, too.
So I shouldn't make it sound like a miracle cure--I don't know that it will work this well for anyone else, but it has made a huge difference for me. And it's not a prescription, which is great--I took Wellbutrin a few years ago to quit smoking and the side effects were ridiculous. SAM-e doesn't have any known side effects and it doesn't interact with other medications. You can get it at Target or GNC. Oh, people who have a history of manic depression or mania shouldn't take it, as it could trigger a manic episode, I guess. God, I sound like one of those commercials on TV for some drug or another. But seriously, it has helped me a lot. Doctors prescribe it in Europe as an anti-depressant but it's not approved here in the US. It's worth a try girls! I didn't care that much about feeling better until I actually started to feel better. Does that make sense?
Sep 23 2006, 04:46 PM
I have heard about Sam-e, little idiot (i feel terrible typing that, but, hey, you chose it!). I hadn't heard much about it from anyone who has used it. I'm going to look it up now and see what others say. Thanks for the tip. Maybe it will help.
BTW, little idiot, how many milligrams do you take a day? Sam-e looks expensive if you have to take more than one a day.
Sep 23 2006, 05:15 PM
I have 200mg tabs, and I take one in the AM and one in the PM. Has to be on an empty stomach for it to work well. I got mine at Target, 30 tabs for 14.99 so I guess it'll be around $30 a month if I stay at this dose, which seems to work fine for me. Some people take way more, though, I've read. It's not cheap (especially for barely-employed me) but I think it's worth it. I would take St. John's wort as that worked for me for a lot of years but I'm on the Pill and I need it to work.
Sep 23 2006, 05:37 PM
Thanks for the advice, LI. I'll give it a try.
Sep 25 2006, 05:12 PM
Little Idiot, with you on the voluntary coma. What are SAM-E side effects? Just curious.
KK, I feel the same way. Work is killing me (I'm on massive deadlines), and new boy is being a bit of a fucktard (new relationships are always confusing) and just roommate situation is getting to me. I really need to get my own place. Also, ghosts from past are popping back into to make appearances....
Just feeling very over-whelmed at the moment.
Sep 25 2006, 06:57 PM
I'm with you on the ghosts of the past thing. Mine keep haunting me. Work is hell, my relationship is going I don't know where, and I just feel so tired of being awake. My therapist is feeling bad because he isn't helping me enough. How bad must I feel if I make my therapist feel crappy?
Sep 25 2006, 08:27 PM
Yikes, Kello and Sassy. That sucks, I'm sorry.
Side effects of the SAM-e have been nil--well, I guess I do seem to be kind of giggly for a while after taking it. But that's a side effect I'm ok with. The only thing I came across when researching it was that people with a history of mania shouldn't take it, as it could trigger a manic episode. But there weren't any side effects listed anywhere and I haven't had any, besides the laughing, but that may be just because I feel better.