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On the bus today, I sat near three middle school girls. They were quite self-consciously stylish in a sorta 80s-at-the-mall way and talking about boys they liked and how the boys dressed. One of the girls said, "He's NOT gay, he's just mod!"
I remember listening to a Lewis Black routine and he was talking about this sort of thing. And his example was "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college".

I used to hear all sorts of wacky things. But they are all escaping me right now. Fark.
me (but if the lady who overheard me and burst out laughing was a bustie she would have posted it here already, so i'm going to): 'of course he's a reformed homosexual! when you're dead you're not having sex with anybody!'

(in reference to a creepy gay-curing website which quotes oscar wilde, 'a reformed homosexual)
princess evangeline
overheard my 5 yr old daughter say to my 10 yr old son when he mentioned that someone told him to do something (not sure what).......

"don't worry about that bobo! it's YOUR body and NOBODY can tell you what to do with YOUR body! so you do what YOU want!"

she was quite passionate about this statement (got up and was shaking her fist and everything) and all I could say was "you go girl!"
goodwill, near closing time:

(three mid-twenties hispanic guys walk out of the store)

cashier #1 (gesturing towards guys): so they just come in here and try on dresses?
cashier #2 (like she's seen it happen before): mm-HM!
cashier #1: they don't buy anything?
cashier #2: nothing!
cashier #1 (looking out the window): look at them driving off in that expensive vehicle! that is an expensive vehicle they have!!!

(both shake heads)
Okay, I was actually a part of this conversation.

Friend: I want some of those Sex & the City shoes. Y'know, Mulattos.
Me: BWHAHAHAHAHA! You mean Manolo's! If you want a mulatto, you've already got one, me, duh. We don't come in matched pairs.
[size=1][size=2]overheard in the classroom of pre-K's...

me: P, what's going on today, bud? why are you having a hard time listening to your teacher?
P: oh! well, it's just cuz, i don't know...MY UNDERPANTS ARE JUST TOO TIGHT!!! geez.
My grandma is 90 years old and still living on her own with her little dog and everything. Shes really sharp for her age but getting....weirder? In her old age she constantly wants to pick on me but in funny ways. Like, blame me for hiding her penut butter and stuff.
So I was at her house yesterday with my mom and I hear from the other room
"You know, peg (my mom)? Those tomato plants i got were doing real good until she (me) came over. I think she touched the plant with her fingernail and she killed it. With her fingernail."

and then talking to her dog

"Why do you always lick your tinklepot?'

My grandma is nuts so Ill constantly have more for you from her.

OH i just remember another -

The lady next door had a baby and got pregnant pretty quickly after giving birth again. After hearing over and over about how her husband must be a dog and humping her all the time she said
"You know what? She was 7 months pregnant and he wouldnt get off of her and she got pregnant AGAIN while she was still pregnant! She was 3 months pregnant and 7 months pregnant at the same time! Hes a rascal...."

Oh and reading back a few posts I got reminded of this -

Nots so much overheard as an action. I was at my cousins wedding two weeks ago and my goofy ass Mr.Daisy were dancing on the floor. He startd making up dance moves and did all these moves that are from everyday life. Like shopping, taking out contacts and stuff. I decided to try out the toothbrush and opened my mouth and put my hand in the 'O' shape and pumped my hand in a motion like in and out of my mouth.

Mr.D quickly grabbed my hand "honey!! Not here!!"

I got so embarassed, I didnt even realize what I was doing. I was dancing within 5 feet of my mom, aunt, cousins, brother.... ohmy.gif

That's a good one!
On the weekends i work with my friend who owns a natural vegetariantype soap company. Well, the soaps are normally $6 a bar but we have little slices for $1 or $2.
So we had a little boy who came in and HAD to buy something. So I showed him the slices. He picked one and brought it up and handed me his $5 bill. I gave him back 4 $1 bills for his change and his soap.

His face lit up and he fanned out his $4, yelled "money!!!" and ran to his sister

"Look! If you give her ONE dollar she gives you MORE BACK! Watch! Give her a dollar and see what happens!!"

awwwwwwww! that is so sweet! i wish i had one to share too, but i don't. that's what i get for working at home i guess.

although the dog did tell me a great joke the other day.... unsure.gif
this comment by a friend has had me cracking up for weeks:

"so, if men have their balls cut off, how do they get an erection?"

bunny then proceeded to provide an anatomy/sex-ed lesson.

this is the same friend whose group of friends can be especially "blonde"; she was giving her friend the recipe to make vodka jelly for a party:

friend: "one part vodka to two parts water"
her friend (after a minute and frown of consternation): "so how does that make jelly? where does the colour come in?"
friend (stifling guffaw): "um, you obviously include the block of jelly"
Teenagers on the bus:

"A lamb is a female goat."

The old folks where I live are hilarious. They were talking about drugs one day and one of them turned to the other and said.

"Someone once gave my son that pot stuff. You'd be amazied if you saw it. It's just a little white pill, could be anything, could be a paracetamol but it's not. It's illegal"

My jaw hurt from keeping myslef from howling with laughter. Crazy old people!
QUOTE(edie52 @ May 13 2007, 04:47 PM) *
Teenagers on the bus:

"A lamb is a female goat."

OMG, I'm at work trying not to die laughing right now.
That is the most retarded thing I've ever heard.
So this isn't the funniest thing ever, but I'm still laughing about it hours later and I have to share:

Me: They're thinking of naming him (another friend's baby) Miko.

My friend: Miko??

Me: What's wrong with that?

My friend: That sounds like the name of a transvestite stripper!!

So random!!
Owl_gang, that reminds me of the Thanksgiving when my mom and my aunt got into a discussion about drugs, and my mom asked what the difference was between hashish and pot. I kept out of the conversation.
Reasons I adore working in an elementary school:

5th grader in response to news article about banning junk food in schools:

"But junk food is the greatest invention since the electric guitar!"

2nd graders after seeing me accompany the 4th graders on my guitar, also the first time I wore overalls to work:

girl: "Hey! I didn't know you were a guitar player today! Is that why you're wearing those clothes?"
boy: "Haha! Yeah, you look like you're in a barn!"

Kinder girls in neighboring bathroom stalls:

girl 1: "Are you making a poop in there!"

girl 2: "Yup"

girl 1: "Oh yay! Me too!!"
There I go, killin' threads again.
grr arrrrrrrrrg, nice to see you back in these parts.

last night at a party:

"and then he was like, 'no more jello! remember, you have to LIVE here!'"

definitely interested in what the beginning of that conversation was!
Sorry...Wrong place for this post.

Thanks Treehugger! I'll move it to the community thread.
Yeah, grr arr, I thought those were really funny...I love little kids, too! Nice palindromic name, by the way.

Oh dear, a lamb is a female goat? Oh jeez, I am still laughing from that.

Okay, I have to poke fun of myself here.

One day I was smoking some dope with my ex (who is Mexican, this is an important part of the story)

Me; Hey, can you talk like that little guy who runs fast from the Bugs Bunny cartoon?
Him: What little guy?
Me; Oh you know, that little mouse, ummmm, what's his name? Speedy Rodrigez!
Him; Speedy Rodriguez? That's no his name!
Me; Uhhhh, yah Rodriguez!

I was so sure that his name was speedy rodrigez and not speedy gonzalez I would have bet me life on it.

that is all.
Culture, I had to check this out for you!

The mouse's name IS Speedy Gonzales.
His cousin is Slowpoke Rodriguez.

Gotta love Wikipedia.
It was still so funny though, I was so sure of myself. Hee.
The other night, driving home from the store:

Boyfriend: Drive safely, we have precious cargo.
Me: You mean the rack of lamb in back?
Boyfriend: How about rack of Fiancee, Einstein.
These two little old ladies in the bathroom at the store:

lady 1: "..You know Brenda won't even use them here anymore"

lady 2: "Oh I know, she dropped her cell phone in one, and it just got flushed down"

lady 1: "Scared her death, she didn't know they flushed themselves"

lady 2: "I didn't know you push the blach button if they won't flush, Kate had to tell me..."

For some reason, they were just cracking me up....I was sitting on the toliet trying not to laugh out loud.
I just heard this from Crinoboy in the next room, where he is playing an online racing game with his headset on. *sigh*
" I can't join any groups!?! What the Hell!?! Man, this game is racist!" *sound of controller hitting floor*
Well, it made me giggle.
passing a Suit in the hallway at work:
"I just serviced them, and now you can service me."

tee hee!!
:::runs out of thread...:::
In my (predominantly gay) neighbourhood, guy walking down the street talking on his cell, "Ya. And then he cut the *crotch* out of my *underwear*"...
ginger kitty: funny that. i just discovered the black button a few years ago. wink.gif
Overheard at School
Guy 1:You want to know the best thing about my parole officer?
Guy 2: What?
Guy 3:She's so chill.

Overheard at swanky art opening
(Couple looking at a large painting of Bob Marley, a very obvious picture of Bob Marley I might add)
Man:This is so transcendent.
Woman: I know I love It.
Man:I mean it really captures who Jimi Hendrix was, that was what the sixties were about, you know.
at my sisters house (nephew is 6 years old)

Nephew: *slides $5 to my hubby under the table* We didn't have the conversation!
Husband: *laughs* what's this for?
Newphew: I think you know buddy. *winks and walks off with thumbs in his front pockets.*

Watching a Goofy Movie with nephew

There is a preview for some musical thing. Part of the song says "tickly little buggers"
Nephew who was about 3 at the time burst out at the top of his lungs "tickly little fuckers"

Both time I almost peeded my pants!!!
At the English Dept Meeting at my school

9th ELA teacher: I don't know if we should read that; I think we should read something funner. (how would one even spell
11th ELA teacher: Yeah, we do need to read funner stuff with the kids.

All I kept thinking about was that movie Legally Blond where she says that. Like Elle, I too thought... "AM ON GLUE!!!"
I know my grammar is horrible, but what I don't know I look up for class, but come on guys funner
(two mothers at my work, discussing their children. again.)

oldermom: "yeah [she] is really a good girl, and her boyfriend is a good guy." blablabla.
youngermom: "and she cant cook? i'm surprised that boy still likes her."

ok so it's not verbatim, but that's the idea. i'm like, what. people still think this way? damn.
Catching up with an old Catholic friend: "My brother's becoming a muslim and marrying a muslim girl. Yup, he's cheating on God for a girl."
Woman at the fabric store: I'm not answering any questions until I get my thimble back.
Behind me on the bus: "I cannot tell you how much I hate the Rolling Stones."

Made me laugh since I feel the same way.
My friend, who is Mexican and dark featured:
"I just got a job at a tanning place but I hate tanning. I'm just gonna tell them I'm Irish."
I know it is vain to post things that I have said but I really put my foot in my mouth yesterday.

On the phone, on a bus, talking to my best friend talking about my dinner plans w/my boyfriend:

Me: "He says he not really a fish person but I am pretty sure I can get him to eat fish tonight."

Best friend: *long pause* "Wow."

Then we both bust out laughing as I realized how bad that could sound. It was almost as embarressing as the time that I was comparing my boyfriend to my gay best friend and the roles they play in my life:

"[The boyfriend] fills a hole that [my gay best friend] isn't willing- wait a minute..."
I think my worst foot-in-mouth was when I was interviewed for tv once and I said that I thought Iran should be allowed to develop nuclear weapons. Fortunately, it wasn't live, and the guy interviewing me really wanted what I meant to say, so he stopped the camera and started again.
overheard while sitting in the local diner one night last week... "so, what did you want me to do with a banana?"
worst foot in mouth incident ..

On a job interview, for whatever reason, I said something about "Reese's Penises"

Wtf? I was so mortified. Obviously I meant to say Reese's Pieces but geeze .. ON AN INTERVIEW! Needless to say, I didn't get the job.
I used to manage a Blockbuster Video in college. On Friday evenings the store was nuts. Hundreds of people in and out. And with it being a highly transient college town we were accustomed to every sort of eccentricity.

One very busy Friday night I was behind the counter checking in videos with my little scanner-gun when a guy came HOPPING into the store, right past me. Typical nutjob for a Friday night.

"Sir, this is a no-hopping zone. I need you to walk."

He didn't seem to hear me so I repeated myself, with a little more force.

"SIR. This is a no-hopping zone. Please walk!"

He hopped to the back of the store to the new release wall.

My co-worker at the membership counter saw all this and was looking at me like I'd just shot the president.

"What the fuck---?", he said.

Confused, I leaned over the counter and got a good look at the hopping guy and sure enough... he had one leg.

Okay, so this job was basically paying my way through school so I had just pretty much flushed my tuition down the crapper. I rushed to the back of the store and apologized my ass off but the guy claimed not to have heard me and wanted to know what I'd said to him. I tried to beg him off but he REALLY wanted to know what I said, so I told him and he laughed.

But he still demanded that we give him all his films that night for free. And I did.
I make lists like a mofo.
My boyfriend is leaving on an overseas art trip for a month soon, and lately he keeps saying, "I have to leave soon" and looking stressed out. So I suggested he make a list of things he needs to bring, supplies he has to buy, when and where to buy them, and things he needs to do before he leaves.
Then I said, "Personally, first I would make a list of lists that I need to make."
He was like, "I'm going to pretend that you didn't say that."
"Use protection...seriously! Syphallis is everywhere!"

This is not bad advice, but perhaps a cell phone conversation on a busy bus is not the place to give it. rolleyes.gif
"so yeah, I took the test and there we two lines and he was like 'are we pregnant' and I said 'yeah' and he was so happy he started drinking...I know we did it backwards but I liked having the baby then getting to know each other, it's not like I'm not the same person I was then!"
Kid behind me at school: "Yeah, my mom almost abortioned me but she didn't." Abortioned?

Girl in front of me, whispering (LOUDLY) to her friend: "That's the second time I've got crabs."

And a very recent one, from a concert I went to on the 4th. Two super drunk guys talking to one another: "You see that guy up there, the one with the blue shirt with the 1 on the back and japanese letters on it?" "Yeah." "Do you think he thinks he's number one?" "I bet he does." "We should tell him that he's not number one, because he is wearing Japan writing on America day!" The men continued talking about this, and how they were going to fight this guy for his shirt, which was obviously a sports jersey of some sort.
Guy on balcony party in trendy 'hood: "I hate it when I accidentally press the internet button on my phone. Cuz that costs me, like, 5 dollars every time."

My friend, yelling from street: "GET SOME REAL PROBLEMS!"
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