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(((letterwriters))) ...
especially (((keenkitty))).

dear bad mandi,
you know what you have to do.
just do it.

stop falling back on the old familiar excuses. i'm lazy. i'm a born procrastinator. yada yada yada. stop perpetuating the self-defeat. end the self-sabotage cycle.
love, good mandi xoxo
Dear Mrs. R,
Please let us rent your house! It's very cute and we'll take good care of it. Promise! I'm even willing to learn how to mow just so we can have this place. You can trust us! Honest!
Looking forward to hearing from you,
Another Mrs. R

Mrs. R's daughter,
You seem really kick ass! Please put in a good word for us with your mom. And if we get the place, feel free to stop by any time. I need friends in this new town & you seem like the exact sort of chica I had in mind.
Cordially & such,
Dear Mrs R, *raising eyebrow*
Does this mean you are going by Mrs. R now? You don't know how much I wish you were still here! I am suddenly having flashbacks to you standing in during the rehearsal dinner and such at my first wedding. And I didn't even know you that well yet! You are probably the only person who can relate to the fact that I am looking longingly at my left over Lexapro. But I know it isn't going help much in the short term, and I don't want to be medicating regularly again after I worked so hard to get off.

Dear Mr.p's family,
I am trying very hard to keep it under control and not freak out or become a bridezillah about the fact that you are ALL packing up and going three states away less than 1 week before the wedding! I feel sick and disgusted that I am waiting impaiently for the old lady to die. I am truely sorry for your loss.
Your selfish daughter in law,
Dear Dr. B,

I am very angry with you for changing my medicine - especially with what I'm going through right now. It's hard enough for me to go to school right now, but add the medicine that makes me drowsy it's even more hard. I haven't been to my internship because I don't know what days I'm supposed to go and the woman hasn't responded to my email. I don't like this medicine. It makes me extremely drowsy and I'm still fucking ANXIOUS. I thought this medicine was supposed to help with anxiety - well it's not working. You changed my medicine when I was on my fucking period - already emotional and now I'm emotionally drained, physically drained and mentally drained. I have had to cut four people out of my life this past week and I'm working really hard on it. Even if one does include my mother. I wish it weren't the case, but it is. I'm so mad at you right now.

dear raskel,

it's one last project! get off of your lazy ass and just get it done!! i know it doesnt count for anything, but you should really learn to at least finish what you start. it would be good for you. so come on, put down the remote and get to work!

Dear D,
I miss you. I hope you're doing OK in there. I know you're OK, but I worry about you anyway because I'm your sister and I love you. There are some tough times ahead but I know you are strong and ready to face your demons. Keep on learning and growing, and come back to us in two months clean and full of life again.
xoxo IG
dear body,

just do it... you know what i'm talking about. i promise to take really good care of you. and yeah, it might require us to be out of work for a while, but this is something your heart and brain really want. so, get on it!

thanks in advance. really.


dear green bud,

stop calling my name. you know i'm gonna pick you back up again later. i just need to take a little break. it's necessary. so please, cut me some slack and stop the siren song, m'kay?

Dear baby,

Holy crap, we're moving maybe soon, I'm not sure, I'm broke I can hardly make ends meet.However, your arrival is so exciting I cannot stand it!


Dear Doula,

Thanks for being amazing, I know you'll do a great job.


Dear baby's father,

Your a freaky ass fuck! but I don't even care anymore.If I would have gone to a sperm bank that would have been better.

You've been nothing but crazy, through out this pregnancy.However, it's alright now the baby is here I have forgotten.You can go on being you and hopefully will not do too much more damage.

It would be nice if you weren't crazy though, oh well, at least I have creative control.I love not caring about you anymore.I'll try not to care as you slowely slip into insanity and distortion.You'll think I used you for this after giving you far too many chances.I am too good for you, you forced me into that position by fucking your life up and mine temporarily.


Dear Me,

Wow you kick but..


Dear old me,

It took a while but you've been shed.


Dear birthpartner and friend's,

Thank you so much for having faith in me, I'm really lucky.It makes not having a partner amazing, it seems like a good choice, I am more than lucky.


Dear old disfunctional friend's,

Nah Nah Nah nah nah, I don't care anymore! Say what you want.The old me made you comfortable but the new me thinks your a waste of my time.

dear super fucking awesome universe,
I don't feel like you're super fucking awesome, but I don't wanna be mad at you. being mad's not fun. I can't decide whether or not to go home. really. I have too much shit in here.
i gotta find a way to finish work, pack, and make money this summer.
I have no attention span, so it will be tough, but I can be a good girl. I promise. I can be a good daughter, and friend, and girl girl if i want to. I know i've been given many chances and many days to do this, but it hasn't been working. Please, just find somebody to love me, like that, fucking soon man.

I'm tired and restless and don't know how to handle myself.
I'm gonna make it, somehow, with difficulty, disappointing a hell of a lot of people along the way, because I just can't get it together. I want to make stuff without being in my head the whole time. That's what I fucking want. And I don't want to hate the crap that comes out so much. Just give me some kind of hope in the next couple days, hope that i'll do something worthwhile.

dear NYC,

I lurve you.

I'm lying, a little. I know we can never be serious, that much is true. But I want to be your girlfriend; I want us to announce it to the entire town; I want you to hold my hand when we're all out on Fridays. I want us to pretend, I guess. We could ignore the future and just go ahead and fall in love with each other. Yeah, we'll get hurt in a little while, but it would be so much fun until then.

Because I'm doing it again. I kill relationships before they start. Before we get serious, I point out why it wouldn't work in the long run. I force the choice of "Fuck-buddy or Nothing", when that is the LAST thing I want to do.

So now you're out of town for a week. Who knows, maybe I'll keep flirting with L, loudly enough to drown out my conscience. Then you'll get back and we'll end up as fuckbuddies, and just like it was with R, I'll feel like you're ashamed of me in public- because we've agreed that we can't act like a couple.

What would happen if I told you this stuff?
Dear universe,
Do you think you could stop making my world turn upside down so often? I'd really like a chance to get my mental health up to speed before the next crisis comes up.

Dear AZ Guy,
We both agree this is for the best. We both know this is what needs to done right now, that neither one of us wants this level of commitment and it would be healthier for us to be apart.

So why do I feel like crying? Why do I feel so hurt when I knew a long time ago that we needed to slow down and we were trying to beat some extremely high odds? I just want to cry, drink, and watch TV, even though I know I have to work, look for a new job, look into grad schools, study, and get better at managing this depression.

I should have left you up in Alaska.
Dear you,

Please, please I beg of you, get the fuck over yourself. Please.

Dear everyone,

you rock. Tell yourself this everyday.


the equally rockin' chichita that is me!
dear self,

get it together, mmmkay?

Dear Mr. Raskel's dad,

Thank you for trying to get me a new job. I hope you can work it out. I promise you I am a hard worker. You won't be a disappointed boss.

I am so sorry about the loss of the baby(ies?).

tried to call last night but your cell says it's not in service right now, am going to track down your mr & find out why.
I hate that you are so far away & I can't Really be here for you in this right now. not the way I think you probably need.

...something I won't tell you but will forever carry the guilt of in my heart... the last few days, have been really really Meaning to call you, to tell you ' be careful! stop and just WAIT' bc I felt strongly you were going to miscarry. but how do you say that to someone?
actually.. I think I could say that to you w/out you thinking I was crazy or wishing you ill will bc you know how I am and we get each other.
makes my guilt all the more deep bc I didn't make the time to do it.
I am sorry.

hurting for and with you,
Dear fantasy man,
Yes I love you as my fantasy but reality is you are married and we shared some forbidden passion but thats it. Now leave me alone. you will never leave your wife and I am in love with someone else, please just go away and if IF I do call please dont answer or say you love or want a future with me because it will never ever work. Now go away!!
There could never be any trust between either of us.
Dear God,
I know we need the rain. And I am not opposed to some, but if it at all possible could it not rain between the hours of 2 and 7 Saturday? At least in the little patch of land known as Muskogee? And thanks for keeping the old lady going for a little while longer. And thanks for everythign else starting to fall into place.

Dear Last-Formal-Class-Ever;


Dear Tonight,
I want to have fun, I deserve to have fun, it will be fun, right? Please don't let the shit hit the fan, like my gut is telling me it will.

Dear Self,
Why are you procrastinating on the VIP (very important paperwork). This is your LIVELYHOOD. This is your RESPONSIBILTY. You don't get to hide behind "Oh, I'm just a student" anymore.
Work through the denial, already. Christ.

Dear Lady who just walked into Caribou Coffee-
Unless you're fucking BLIND don't bring your fucking MUTT into a place where i am EATING. It's NOT CUTE. IT's FOUL.
Dear Self,

Congratulations on your body pericing, it looks fantastic, only now you want more more more! What can you pierce without looking unprofessional? Well how about the other?



Dear man,

WTF? That's all I can say, I am not too sure what I should be doing with you anymore. You have no idea what is going through my mind, and I would love to tell you, but, alas, I am afraid. Yup me of all people, scared fucking shitless. Why? Because I am afraiding of losing everything, sheesh, I don't know what to do. I would like to know if you feel the same way, and I think that a big part of that has to do with the fact that I want you to feel the same, but you probably do not. see! Catch 22 for me. boo.

dear god,
oh, fuck.
please help me do ok.

Dear R,

Perhaps I'm writing this here with the hope that perchance you'll see it. I don't know how I feel about you...still. I know I enjoy your company, I enjoy the cuddling, but it's not you I want in my heart - it's him. You are helping me get over him, but I'm still not all the way there yet. I haven't talked to him in days and don't know if I ever will again. That's frightening. I don't like you spending the night, even if we sleep in separate beds. You asked me if I was ashamed of you, and I said yes and then I said I was kidding, but I really meant yes. You're too young for me. It'd be like dating my brother (who isn't really my brother but is more like a brother than anyone I've ever met). He's your age. You guys have the same interests. I want a man. Not a boy. You still order off the kids menu. I only order off the kids menu because their portions are better for me health wise. We can't have sex because of your religous convictions, but it's causing you physical pain. You won't masturbate to get the backlog of cum out - you just say you'll deal with the pain. I think that's stupid. I think sex and masturbation are wonderful and people should do it all the time. You won't let me touch your cock. Heaven forbid I try to grind my pelvis into you. It's like we have to talk about "how far we take it" every other day. I keep you on your toes because I don't know how I feel about you. My mother's words repeat in my mind everytime we're in public. Ben's words replay in my mind everytime we're together. I don't know if I like you or not.


Dear X,
So I got home for my first free evening in a long time. I pick up the ringing phone and there you are, telling me that something is really wrong with Mr. Loli's dad.
Really wrong?!? Oh, shit. Mr. Loli's mom just told us that her cancer is back, so this does not sound good.
I ask you what is wrong.
You pause, repeat yourself, then proceed to spit venom into my ear about how angry you are at Mr. Loli and his dad. Apparently, Mr. Loli's dad posted your email address on an obscure geneology website.
Now, I KNOW that you are paranoid. The sign by your front door that says "Do not ring my bell if I don't know you. I am serious. Not responsible." says it all. The post office box for your mail says more. The hours of "they are out to get me" conversations we have had hammer this home. The constant weed that you have smoked every day since age 13(40-odd years ago) may be the culprit.
Whatever the reason, I am pissed at you for:
A) scaring me.
B) thinking that this is a big deal.
C) failing to understand that Mr. Loli's dad is quietly frightened about losing his wife and is trying to reach out to you.
D) making everything about you over and over and over again.
E) turning my evening into a damage control session.
F)calling incessantly while Mr. Loli is on the phone with his dad and terminally ill mother right now.
Don't even think about having a civil conversation with me anytime soon. I deal with this shit all day at work. I am done with you, in-law family or not.

PS: That apology message you left for me just now regarding your intensity still annoyed me.
Dear S,

Well it's been almost a week since we've talked. I'm not crying on the floor, I'm not suicidal, I'm not anything. I miss you. I miss your voice. In the past week I have survived a drastic medicine change, found a new "friend," gone to school, and found out I was co-dependent and took active steps to deal with it and fix the problem. I have started a 12-step program. I am reading books on codependency. I have found a boy that likes me - not just for my body, but for who I am in reality. I do miss you, greatly, but I know I will survive without you. I detaching with love. I still and will always care about you and love you.

great boob day!
great hair day & ass day too!
see what a little fasting and not eating so many poptarts can do for you?
learn, you're not So old quite yet.
hugs good lookin & I'll be back to check you out later~

thanks for calling.
am glad you did, and totally understand your need for space right after.
glad we talked as openly as we did too, bc w/our shared age concieving again isn't a given & a lot of well meaning people don't get that.
still here for you and not feeling as guilty as before,

12? 1 2 ?? are you Sure??!
started reading a book on raising a strong-willed child last night bc baby,if Ever, it's YOU.
hope it will help me parent you in the ways You uniquely need.

am thinking of including some of the poetry I wrote for you in the art card I bought you, but don't want you to think it's hokey, but also want you to see where your love of writing really stems from. watching you that day at the shore and outlined in the shadow of the skyline I was just so blown away at the beauty of who you really are. don't think I stop often enough to really see that and it hurts our relationship.
please know I am trying.
loving you ever & always,
dear hair,

you're looking pretty sassy today. go you.

dear you -

I thought you were my friend. true friends - especially the kind I thought we were - work through shit, are able to find that communication again.

now I am beginning to think that it was all a ruse. That you were just after me the whole time. My basis was in friendship. Yours? I'm not so sure now.

And that really fucking bums me out.

But you know what? Its YOUR FUCKING LOSS.

I AM the girl you were friends with. I have never changed. Bobbled a bit, yes. But we all do that. I am still me. And I am still extraordinary. But you, my friend, you have done pretty much a complete 180 from the friend I thought I knew. Something I NEVER thought you would do, considering .

Will you ever own up? Stranger things have happened, so perhaps you will.

I miss you. I miss what I thought was a really special friendship. Or perhaps I just miss what I am now wondering was just an illusion.

Am I wrong?

Prove it.
Dear you,

What the hell?

Tell me there is something else I should think, when you leave at midnight to 'stay in a hotel'. I have no reason to think you are seeing someone, because if you were that would mean you are so far from what I thought you were. It would mean I have been living with someone else, someone I don't know who keeps things from me. It would mean I would have been complicit in my own self-delusion, perhaps.

I have been unfaithful. Not to you, but I have been in the past. The reason I wouldn't again is because the resultant lies are an instant wall between you and the person you profess to love.

I have loved you for your integrity. If that is a sham I will be as hard on myself as I am on you. That might not be fair but it is how I feel, and I shouldn't feel that way because I've done NOTHING WRONG.

I am responsible for us fighting and you were right to be upset and angry. But storming out like that, and not returning, is a little out of character. You could well have stayed a few different places, and it is far more logical that you did, that you're still angry.

Which is another issue. I am sorry for what I did, but you are not my disciplinarian. It is not for you to punish me.

It would hurt me beyond anything if this were to end. I can't truly believe it might. But know if it does I will cope, I've done it before and God help me this time may even be easier. I've already lost sleep in my life over you, I won't do it again. If it ends, then you're not worth it anyway.


Dear myself,
The above is the worst case scenario. You know that. He just wants to hurt you, which is shitty enough. If it all goes to shit the world is big. I can't even type anymore, I can't envision this.
You, again.

You made your point. I'll even do it. But know this isn't the only problem here, by a long shot. What do you think prompted this in the first place?

What I think: I'm happy in my life, happier than I've been in years, and as you know (or maybe you don't, to the fullest extent, although you damn well should)it's a hard won happiness and the dark days were certainly not helped by you back then. I love my work and am getting praise; everyone but you respects what I'm doing and are impressed by the quality of my work. I'm confident, but less so than I should be, because you undermine what I am doing at every fucking stage. And why? I don't want to believe something so reductive as envy, that you didn't do it yourself. I would have thought that is unworthy of you. Yet I can find no other explanation why you continue these veiled criticisms of my work.

Would you have been so angry if you were working harder at fixing the source of the problem, going ahead with action you must undertake for that person's actual happiness? But no; you do nothing on that front and take it all out on me.

I cannot understand why someone otherwise so bright is so clueless about the workings of their own mind and motivations.

During this time you need to take a long look at yourself. I'm far from being the only one to blame here. Hell, maybe this will end up with both of us availing of what you describe. I'd say we could bloody well use it. As long as you keep saying the problem is mine alone we will continue to have problems.

So let it blow up. Then maybe we can make some sense out of the rubble, if sense is to be had.

I can't believe you're doing this again. You're a coward, which is the worst part of all of this.

*sorry for hogging the thread everyone*

Dear me,

Worst case scenario: It ends. You finish your work and go to Africa. With your savings, meant for the wedding. Like you wanted to do anyway. You will be in pain and feel you can't breathe or bear it. But you will. And in time you will be better.

Remember what Judi said: 'the next love of your life', and she's fifty, so knows a few things.

This probably won't happen. But would it be so bad if it did?

Love yourself. Don't lose ground. He has put you off track from your life before and it will not happen again. Your work rocks and you know this. This is arguably the start of what you were born to do. It is your vocation, your talent. Trust it, sleep and be good to yourself.

Snarky aside: because the person who is meant to care for you sure as fuck hasn't. Which begs the question.

love ya babe, me

Dear you,
you are not here to answer these questions. The clarity provided by your absence may not produce the result you're looking for.

Just a thought.
Dear Sybarite

You aren't hogging!


Dear me,

Oh fuck what did you do? You know you are in deep now! You were going to be open and going to honest! But now, you don't know what to think. Is it destiny he asks? What am I supposed to think of that? in what way. Not a day goes by when I think that maybe, just maybe, we were meant to be together, or connected somehow! I want to tell you, I need to tell you, but I have a feeling I will be rejected. I adore you. We work well together, things just feel right and fit right. I don't know what to do. Can't you just tell me? Please don't avoid me. I can't deal with this. I am so conflicted. You told me you cared about me a great deal, but in what way? Obviously you do, as you have been there think and thin. I have told you things I have told no one else, this is how much trust and confidence I have in you. But when I write it seems so silly.


dear friends,

Would it kill one of you - any of you - to respond to my emails? I'm sorry, but I didn't get the "let's all ignore Kat for some unknown reason" memo. But seriously, I am racking my brain over here and I cannot for the life of me figure out why I pulled the very distinguished honors of suddenly being ignored by everyone in my life whom I thought cared about me.

Seriously. What's going on? I really don't think I committed any serious trangressions, and I didn't know that you were the type of people to hold grudges anyway, if I DID do something unspeakably bad or whatever. Gar, this letter is totally rambly but I am really really really hurt by this and completely confused. I know everyone is busy, but it takes all of two seconds to write "Oh my gosh, that is so exciting! Write more later! Love!"

Is this because I wouldn't make myself available to work for free on Jenn's show? Is that it? 'cause it takes two hands to count the number of times I have helped bail her out due to poor planning and her entitled little attitude, and no fingers to count how many times she's helped me.

Is this because I said something about L and D? 'Cause if it is, y'all need to get over yourselves. That IS a potentially abusive relationship, I don't care how nice it looks from the outside. I see the inside and I hear the stories and I've seen them together and trust me, it is not.good. D is isolating L, controlling her car and mobility, telling her that she can't masturbate because it's cheating, monopolizing all her time...did I tell you all that I actually got L alone for fifteen minutes at a coffeeshop once, before D came barging in and told her that she had to leave, and L did it? Doesn't this concern any of you at all?

In case any of you were wondering, I moved 350 miles away from all of you. Maybe someday you'll try to call my cell phone and realize that the number doesn't work anymore. Maybe then you'll go back and, I dunno, maybe open those emails I sent you all and get a little shock.

Fuck you all very much.

dear pregnant sister,

did i not see this coming? did i not tell you 6 months ago NOT to get a cat, because you were trying to get pregnant, and you had other things to worry about? did i NOT tell you that you'd end up getting rid of it? did i NOT tell you the same thing when you wanted a dog 3 years ago?

stop running through animals. you know better.

and stop calling me if you're going to be all hormonal and psycho and crying because you think you have toxoplasmosis from holding the cat. jesus christ.

dear mr. saturday night,
you're still hot, but seriously, i'm not here to train you. take the reins. i'm leaving in 3 weeks, i don't have time to fuck around and do the usual dance.

dear unconsciousness,
is it not enough that i'm tortured in my waking hours that you now have to torture me every time i go to sleep? i'm tired of having dreams that prey on my worstcasescenarios. i'm so. freaking. tired.
Dear You,

I love more than the moon and the stars and I know that you are going through a difficult time, but that is no excuse for what you did and how you behaved here tonight. You know full well what kind of situation I just got out of. The way you acted tonight smacked of someone elses behavior a bit too much for comfort. So you decided to go off of your meds, I get that now. But that still is no excuse for the way you freaked out on ME tonight. You are so fucking lucky I didn't call the cops myself and let you wake up in the mental ward. I meant what I said, tomorrow you go see your doctor and get this stuff straightened out or there is the door. I will not accept this emotional hostage taking bullshit you pulled tonight. Ever. From anyone. EVER again in MY life. Got it?! Nobody deserves it and the fact that you watched someone else do it to get their way with me and decide to pull it on me to see if it would work, is such complete bullshit. It is betrayal of the highest order as far, as I'm concerned. I know you are sick, I know you are depressed, I know the meds are screwing with you, but GET YOUR ASS SOME HELP. There are people out there who are wasting away from cancer and other degenerative diseases that are seriously painful, and they do not throw fits and break windows and try to excuse it because they are just tired of being in pain. I'm not trying to minimize the pain that you are suffering, but there is NO excuse for physically and emotionally intimidating others, EVER. Period. And it is not just the physical pain, it is depression too. Yes, you are depressed. Admit it. SAY IT OUTLOUD. You are creating your hell with your behavior. Stop moping around, feeling sorry for yourself. I know that was hard to hear and take from me, but that is no excuse for screaming at me and freaking out on me in my own fucking home. And breaking that window, thats just fucking fantasic. Where am, I supposed to get the money to fix it??? You know I'm broke, you are broke, we are all struggling just to make ends meet. FUCK! So what now? What the hell am I supposed to do? What do I tell the fucking property manager? I swear to fucking god if you ever, in your life disrespect me or my home like you did tonight, you will be a self fulfilling prophecy and be completely alone. I have always been your cheerleader, been on your side and by your side, but you have shown such little appreciation lately. It's like you resent me, your miserable to even be around, you make it so uncomfortable for everyone, that you are being avoided. Your'e blatantly seething with jealousy and you blame everyone else for your misery. I know being chronically ill sucks, I know that being depressed sucks, and having the doctors be such morons with your care is frustrating beyond belief. But hurting the ones who love and support you the most, that is not wise. Please, tell the doctor the truth, let them help you. I can't do anything more for you, it is up to you now. I will always love you and always be here for you, but that does not mean that I have to put up with this bullshit from you.


dear sf,

i hate that you've infiltrated my sleeping hours;
i hate that i can't stop hating you, that every day i wish for something terrible to happen to you, as repartion for all the terrible things you did to me;
i hate how i want a front row seat to your misery,
but knowing that you'll never get yours;
i hate that you took 2 1/2 years from me, and i hate that i let you;
i hate that it's been six months, and instead of dissipating, i despise you more each day;
(i hate you i hate you i hate you)

and i hate that i can't be the be the better person anymore, and that i want to stoop to your level because that's all you can understand.

grocery manager guy-

you are SO cute!
and I have to tell you.. this flirtation we have going, is hysterically fun bc you're short and round and old and simply adorable and it puts me into fits of secret giggles when I see you in the store,bc as I'm approaching, I'm always thinking '... is he going to see me? is he going to acknowledge me?' and while I do realise it's your job to be approachable it's the way you
-stop- and sorta stare and half stutter and blush when you do speak that gives you away.
you're not the first man to stutter in my presence you know! ;) :-)
for awhile I thought they'd moved you bc I hadn't seen you in several weeks but am much glad you are you still there. you were so very kind to me that day I locked my keys in my car and was so upset.
I know this whole thing is silly but you really make shopping there more interesting.

fondly, the freckly redhead

crossing guard lady at freck's school:
thankyou So much for *always* stopping traffic for me to let me turn out when I drop frecklette off every morning. might be a small thing to you but to me it's a lot and it shows me you like me too, which is nice bc I'd been trying to wave a Thanks to you for some time. am probably going to get you a small bouquet of flowers when school lets out bc I really do appreciate it.

lady in the green car w/ cubs plate on the front

your good vibin' mojo is On today, do as many people-related tasks as you can think of while it lasts. you rock!

please cooperate when I bathe you? please?
no shakey shakey on me once you're done and please climb in & out of the tub on your own bc you're hard for me to lift. there'll be extra treats in it for you if you do this for me.

fake son-
I'm so proud of you !!!!
hopefully the mr will invite you to dinner tonight as he was instructed a little while ago, bc I'd like to celebrate your promotion!!
we do still need to talk some anyway.
I tried to explain to the mr why I really feel Compelled to continue to help you.. that bc freck & I were such a huge part of your inital recovery from your injuries when you first came back from iraq drives me to make sure you're really ok.
mental stress from what you experienced can harm just as much and I do trully feel a bond w/ you that doesn't let me just walk away.
the mr is getting it. taking him awhile maybe, but he's getting there.

bring some soda tonight will you, bc I just realised a I forgot whilest at the store, seems I was a little distracted..

fake mom
Maybe. Lunch with you (not! a! date!) will be interesting. You are a male version of myself. Bizarre. But I have no urge to rip your pants off.

Maybe. I need to tell you exactly how I feel but first I need to figure out how I feel. And none of it matters, because you're driving.

And I'm going out to lunch with L tomorrow. But I would cut you out of my life if you went out with the girl who shares my name. Double standard, or slightly different circumstances?

And I DO have the urge to rip your pants off.
Dear powers that be,

Please let this turn out all right, in the end if not immediately if that's what's necessary. This could be the start of things being better, which would be awesome. Please, please let that happen. I will be grateful and, more importantly, will stick to my promises. Just let me make them.

Thank you,
dear mr.luci,

please don't do that to me, okay? remember how we talked about how differently we adapt to things? this is a hugely new experience for me and I have to take it slow. i'm a big ball of anxiety and neuroses and you know it, so quit trying to make me do shit i'm not ready for.

i know your intentions are good and i love you desperately

dear love of my life,
it makes me feel bruised when you shout at me and I understand that you regret it and you haven't shouted at me since the fall so that's really great progress and i appreciate it, and I appreciate your apology this morning and how bright & busy-tailed you're trying to be today, but I hope you understand that your email about these issues makes me cry because it's fucking DISORIENTING to deal with your jekyll-&hyde personality. I know you haven't gone Hyde on me for months and that kind of makes it worse because my defenses were completely down (but it also makes me think, christ, how did I stand the first 2 yrs with you when it was happening every week?).

It exhausts me, I can't get any work done for at least a day after, and you really can't expect me to be all sunny just because YOU feel "enlightened" about the shit going on in your subconscious. And you can't god-damned well blame me crying for "making" you feel guilty. You're responsible for making you feel guilty. Duh.

When you shout at me I regret marrying you and think about having S-A-I-N-T tattooed all over my body.

However I have faith that your behaviour and self-awareness will continue to improve as they have from Day 1, and that this was just the 2-steps-back part of 3-steps forward, so do PLEASE bring this up with your therapist. And yes, we do need a budget, you stupid ass, and you do need to get a receipt for everything and bring the receipts to me so I can enter them, if you want to avoid credit card debt. Get your ego the fuck out of the way.
dear S -

I so totally hooked your friend up, and I didn't even get a thanks. I gave her my number and got no call, no nothin. You asked if I'd met her or if she'd called and you were convinced she'd call to say hi. Nope.

I totally ran into her out of the blue last night and recognized her from that pic and your description. All she could say to me was "wow, it's really expensive here" no thanks. no nothin.

Honestly, for the hook up I gave her, that is really fucking lame. Not that I hooked her up expecting anything, but come the fuck on. Common fucking courtesy, especially for what I did for her.

I hooked her up for you. Because I do that for my friends. I enjoy it. And I like you.

I know you say you don't have any bullshit friends, that all your friends are really cool, but honestly, I am unimpressed by this particular friend. I thought there was something fantabulous about her by the way you always gush over and seem to think she is the best thing since sliced bread.

Personally, she came off as a little fucking girl who got what she wanted (the hookup I gave her) and doesn't give a shit about anything other than playing to you and whatever your "friendship" is.

What the fuck ever. I have no use for little girls who are so lame they can't appreciate what someone they didn't even know did for them.

I may be a nice person, but I am not gonna be taken advantage of. So she can find herself another hook up next time.

not real impressed...

ps. I'd really really love to say "temper tantrum" to you, but I'm afraid that'd just set off another one. If you had your inner toddler under control you'd be able to recognize that a temper tantrum is, indeed, exactly what you had without going off the deep end. I know I know, you're working on it. Work on it fast, because it's wearing me out.
P.S. I hope you're not bringing your dog over to her house. It really freaked her out last time.


Dear Friend

I am confused. So so confused and conflicted. Do you care about us a friends? Do you care about me at all? All those time that we talked for hours, the things I told you. I want you mon cheri.

Dear S,

I refuse to play games with you, thus the need for the talk. I know you don't want to see me in person (why I don't know), so we'll just do this over the phone. I will tell you that I have found a replacement for you. I found someone that overall treats me well and actually likes to hang out with me, someone who doesn't want just sex and money from me. I will tell you that I am detaching from you with love. I will tell you that I'm not going to be your friend anymore because you don't know how to be a friend to me. I will tell you I don't have time for bullshit games. I will tell you that I was and am confused as to why you called me why you were at the bar with your ex-girlfriend. When you call that late at night, I can only think you want one thing - but you said you didn't want that anymore. It hurts like a bitch that you can't hang out with me in public, but I was never your friend, only your cunt.

Dear S,

You will think about seeing me in person? Why do I even bother? I don't need to be friends with someone who has to "think" about seeing me in person. I wanted to tell you about R, and how he and I are sorta in a relationship, but aren't official because I don't want to be...yet. I wanted to tell you that I don't want to talk to you unless you can learn to be my friend and invite me places and do things with me. I wanted to tell you, that I'm so drugged and numbed to what you do now days. I wanted to tell you how this person treats me so much better than you ever did/will. I wanted to tell you that yes I still love you, but I can't control you. I wanted to tell you so much, but if you don't let me see you in person, how can I?

Why all the insecurity? I don't get it but just the mention of him hanging out with them today made you wince. You were at work and it's not like it was hidden from you. You hang out with him alone sometimes so what does it matter.
I want to find some way to deal with the insecurty but it's new and I'm not sure where to go. Don't get wrapped up in it because it makes no sense. They all love you and that is secure and stable. Stop worrying. please.

Dear self,
Would it kill you not to be such a bitch? You've been in their shoes, you know what it's like (on both sides), yet you act even worse than everyone else. Please, remember karma and to watch your mouth. You aren't being funny, you're being mean.
--your concious

Dear AZ Guy,
I am very confused and kinda wish you'd stop acting so nice and affectionate. Last week you told me you didn't want this, but now you're acting like you do. I'm not a mind reader and am afraid to ask you what you're thinking.
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