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thankyou for letting me know the mr called you today.
believe it or not that was partly MY Doing, bc I told him a few times you needed to hear his voice again, but he kept putting it off.

that you expect Me to call you every-time-he- calls (or emails) and then you don't do the same for me?

huh uh.
chica don't play that game.

screw you & the donkey you rode in on, and forget any courtesies on my end bc truthfully you don't deserve it.

disgruntled and stocking up on floor wax...

thankyou for calling.
I miss you dreadfully, and don't be mad when I am Sad; isn't it better than the alternative where I don't pine for you at all?
and yes, my line of you don't know what your absense is like here made perfectly good sense, to ME.
laugh at me.... but really, you are such an incredible dort and I love you so.


ps to Sybarite:
sweets, if I were you, I'd get your stuff once and for all and call it good.
over the years I had whittled my memory things down to just a few boxes that I didn't think was a big thing, til my parents acted much the same . sometimes, it's just easier. hugs ~
powers of the universe:
thankyou for wishes granted.
Dear DSCE.

I hate you.

I really do despise you. No thanks for making my life harder than it has to be. This has completely attempted to ruin my day.

I had a very good and special day that was supposed to be today. It is 6:00 in the morning and I am trying so hard not to cry. I have to get up and get in the shower and get dressed to start the first day of my new life and I have all your bullshit in the back of my mind.

I am BEYOND PISSED and really disgusted at this whole process and senario.

And T***** you are such a BITCH. I wish you were p******** and had ***S.

You anger me to no end. You are so sneaky and think you are so slick. I hope you save up, because one day this is going to come back on you and I will not feel the need to try to accomodate you in any way at all. have a blast out in Kuwait. You were lucky to get out of Afghanistan in one piece. I hope they send you to I*** on convoys every other day.



-Determined not to let *anyone* steal anymore of my joy,

PS You fuckers,
You guys really got me twisted. mad.gif
Dear K,

Thank you so much for being there. You have such amazing wisdom, and you have helped me see things for what they really are. You have pointed out things, and then let me figure them out for myself. You are wonderful, and I am so glad we are friends.


it would have been my turn to choke on gum, if only i had been chewing some. when you told me that your "friend" was rox. i just about died. that tranny has fucked just about every young tranny chasing ass in town, and somethat were passing thru. and while i am super glad that you weren't a notch on her belt (so you say), i still get the feeling you are gigaho. you talk about way too many girls, and WTF is the deal with you calling your gf an "off again-on-again?" you have a standing saturday and valentines day dates with her. that doesn't sound like off again. really. i was thinking you were kinda cute-- which is a rarity for me. i usually don't go for the boys-- but one thing that ALWAYS gets on my nerves, is guys who downplay their relationship, or call an ex "crazy". it just sounds like you are trying to come around my way. that ain't cool, and if you keep it up, you will go from cute to str8 balls. and once you are bawls, i keep you at arms length. f'r right now your name is bawls. narly, stinky, sweaty p-bawls. and next time we talk i'ma call you on it. so cut that shit out.... balls.


um, yes, i think you are low hangin' dirty balls, but can i say how much i admire your ability to screw every tranny chaser that comes in to town. i have to say, you are my idol. i love that you just tie em up, bend em over, love em and leave em. i only wish that i was interested in boys enough to do the same. fuck those assholes! lol... go ahead, mama. this ones for you, screwing them before they screw you. there needs to be more t-girls out there like you,

but you are still stinky swolen bawls.
yeah, i know, bills for the 'mones are a cute chunk of change, but do you really have to screw every artist you come across monitarily too? cut that shit out, dumb ass.

sincerely, your almost fan....

Hope your friend "rox" has someone who isn't you to identify her body at the morgue.
dear m -

you, my dear, are being a pussy. what is it? i know you like me. it's obvious. I like you. I'd like to get to know you better. nothing is wrong with that. Frankly, I'd like to date you. And frankly, I'd like to date you and then have insane sex all over the place with you. Cause I know it would be fun. But I digress... So anyway, I'm not certain where things dropped off, but I'm just letting you be you. I always have anyway. I did really want to go hang out on your roof, though. (and why did you say "next time you're over") I think you're confused. or just weird.


Stop being such a prick. It's been 2 & half months now. You're a self righteous little bastard now aren't ya. Well you're missing out on being my friend,

Au revoir, and don't forget je me souviens

lol... womat, rox isn't a friend of mine, were aquantances at best, and i doubt she would even rembember me. i haven't seen her in years. but in my city, she's like kevin bacon and we're all playing 6 degrees of.... everybody knows rox, or if not then someone who has been screwed over by her. for me i know quite a few people....
so how do i know rox?
a kazillion years ago, when i was a, dumb, neurotic, hypercloseted, crossdressing boy, i got stinking, near falling-down drunk trying to get up the courage to do drag, which, at a mere 1.5 blocks away, seemed like a marathon of public humiliation at the time. i stumbled the distant distance, nearly breaking my ankle cos of the vintage wood/leather western motif 70's mules i had to wear. i swear at the time those two blocks were the longest 2 blocks ever. anyways, this bar (which is the same bar where the lead singer for scissor sisters used to do drag under the name cubic zirconia, btw), was having a drag contest. i lipsync'd mary j. blige, (don't even remember walking to the stage), won a bottle of bubbly, which i immediately downed, called my girlfriend, told her i loved her for the first time, stumbled home and threw up all night then passed out. rox was a judge and co-host that night. back then, in this city, if you've been here long enough, everybody knew rox. she's still a fixture. she was the first tranny i'd met. she wasn't a dq, she lived it full time. she lypsinc'd stevie knicks and cher more often than not. but her side kick was awesome, i adored her, she hosts drag shows in nyc now, blonde wigs lipsynced to babs ONLY, with a voice like gravel... sigh. those were the days. drunken, sad, depressed glad that's not me anymore...closets are horrible, horrible places...

not so dear closet,

why did i spend so much time in you? worried about what everyone else thought? every now and again i visit you, and i am never better off for it. every day away from you is a good day, and i hope that this will be the last year i will ever see you. you suffocated me, and robbed me of my life, made me addicted to fear, and i am just now getting free of. you are useless, and why i ever listened to you is beyond me.

good bye, and good riddance.
Dear UltraCold,

Please be at a thirty micron vacuum when I arrive today.

Dear Viltar,

Please quit leaking R-12! It's way bad for the environment! Hope I fixed you.

Dear Boy,

You're the sunshine of my life. But you just don't get PMS. Just bear with me, okay?
treehugger i love your


i feel kinda sad, cos i am realizing how much better i feel without you in my life. lord knows it isn't the way i wanted, but now that i've closed the door to you, i find myself making choices that are all me. i don't feel like you are looking over my shoulder, i'm not waiting for you to accept me anymore, and it's so liberating. in a weird way i think i owe you one for your biggotry. i still love you very deeply, but i've spent umpteen years trying to be what you wanted, and now that that isn't an issue, i feel like i am hitting the ground running. it's like this dark cloud has slowly lifted since i cut you off. i used to be so cynical, angry, but now there's like these rays of optimism. everyday i go to work i smile because i think of all the stuff i want to do, stuff i have been putting off, because i've been concentrating on you. i guess i'm sad cos as much as i miss you, i really am sooooo much better off without you.

awww, thank you GT. That's my kitty, Mojo.


I found out today that I had way too high of standards for you. You don't need a thirty micron vacuum. 150 microns is well good enough. So here we go. You're full of those exotic refrigerants and I will wire you up on Tuesday and, please, for me, get down to -80 C. Please? I'm an ultracold virgin so it'd be really cool if you work.

Dear me,

I know you get frustrated and feel stupid. But you should be very, very proud of yourself. Not many people get to learn cascade refrigeration. Even men. It's frustrating now and you want to give up. Don't you dare. You know more than you think you do. Prove em all wrong. Women CAN do this! Not even many men can do this....but do it. You owe it to yourself, and women who come after you.
many MANY hugs to you right now sweetie... I know so well what you are feeling and I how lonely/desolate/bereaving a feeling it can be initially. I keep a worn and not washed shirt (s) under my pillow for the smell-factor in the absense, but only allow myself the luxury of it sparingly, bc I'm always afraid I'm going to use up the smell too quickly.
and re-claim that space, despite that your heart is demanding of you to do the opposite.
sometimes I would positively Freak OUT if someone inadverntentedly or unknowingly moved something of the mr's after he was gone and would yell at them and be all sore in my heart at them, at myself and then at the mr for leaving me in the first place. re claim just as soon as you can, with someone either on the phone w/ you or there with you in person. you're not betraying anyone or anything by doing that, but are making your life a better place by doing the sane thing. trust me on this one, you're only prolonging your own torment. (says the woman who is still using the same mug that says ' I heart my husband' that I was using on the day he left weeks ago now. (yes I wash it out each time!)) and then allow yourself small indulgences as an act of extra kindness to yourself while you are getting your bearings.
it gets easier, I promise. ((((((((((((((rudderless))))))))
love freckle

I'm going to say just what I was thinking when I read your letter here (not that this is a place that asks for feedback or response so forgive and excuse me this but) I am so proud of you right now.
I see you getting stronger here and it's a beautiful thing.
you are such an amazing woman.
many many hugs, ff

oh and Ps? I am still ruminating on your 'find what you love to do and then work it backwards.'
the words won't stop echoing in my mind which is good, so Thankyou.

I'm sorry.
I'm just not feeling the brunette- thing and I am sorely muchly and most fragiley missing my lovely firey red locks.
I know I just tried to "naturalize" you back to our quieter and humbler auburn beginnings, but I'm not sure I can go through with it.
this is so much more who I am, the kick-ass Celt warrior woman, even if you have to be fudged some to folically reflect that. something that is apparently important after all.
we'll see how long we can stay with it, but I'm already pretty antsy so be ready and I am sorry for all the chemi's I torment you with, that was one of my reasons for trying to be more natural.
forgive me and don't spaz or fall out or anything ey,

wearer and bearer
dear "family" of my husband,

Wow. Just freaking wow. Well, at least we know exactly how petty and selfish you are. I'm sorry that your inability to acknowledge things outside of your own experience renders you blind to the amazing man Mr.Luci has become. Thank you for shitting all over him, and us.

I bet if I was pregnant you'd all be falling all over yourselves in happiness.

Fuck you hard and no love forthcoming,

not even worth my name, you stupid Bush-supporting fuckers

dear friends,

Again, wow. Is it really that fucking hard to utter or type the word "Congratulations"? Really? You know, my ex-boyfriend even managed that much, and we had a really shitty break-up and his brother just died. I don't really ask for much - or anything, really - and I listen to your sob stories and your heartbreaks and I nod along when you're making decisions which, frankly, are stupid. And if you need to be called out on it, I do it. Because I'm your friend, and that's what I do when I care about people.

What friends DON'T do is, after receiving the first genuinely-upset-and-needing-your-help email from me EVER, is to not answer it within, oh, let's say, a week. A week. And all I want is some sympathy and happiness. I'm not keeping score, but hearing one of your friends got married is a time for excitement. And hearing one of your friends is having issues with her family-by-proxy is a time for support.


What the hell?


dear everyone who was apparently entitled to know we got married,

I'M SORRY. Okay? I mean, I stupidly thought that how we wanted to treat our marriage was sort of, you know, OUR business. I wasn't aware that we were supposed to have a big white tulle-swathed extravaganza wedding, invite people we don't know but who exist because our relatives had unprotected sex somewhere back in time, go into debt to entertain you, and basically make everything about pleasing other people.

Next time I decide to make a huge life-altering decision, I'll be sure to ask everyone's opinion about the best way to present that decision to the world. Because apparently doing things quietly and intimately is wrong wrong WRONG and everyone else knows better what is good for me (and us).

So let's see - maybe I'll call you all up and ask who you think my new gynecologist should be? Or which is the best time of year for me to get my tubes tied? Or maybe I should give you all the details of Mr.Luci's vasectomy, or talk about how hot our sex life is.

Seriously - you all don't see how fucked-up you are acting?

dear mum and dad,

Thank the flying spaghetti monster for you. I feel like I should get down and kiss your toes for how amazing you are. Mom - I'm sorry people at work don't understand and that you have to tell them to congratulate you, that it's all right, that you're actually HAPPY that your daughter eloped - because the person she married is an incredible human being. Thank you for seeing that and for loving us enough to want us to be happy about this. 'Cause everyone else seems to think the best way to greet the news of our getting married is to treat us like criminals. It's sort of harshing my buzz, you know?


- ok. I think it's out of my system now -

sorry for posting so much in this thread, it's just a good place to get my bs off my chest...


don't do it.

i know you feel trapped, and that it's the only way to leave your po-dunk town, but there are other ways.


i know all your friends are doing it, and you want to be there for them, but don't.

please don't.

i haven't seen you in forever, but k always shows me pix of you, and you've grown so much. you're a man now, and sometimes it's kinda hard to tell what that means, so you look around to figure out how to prove to yourself that being a man means something, but don't.

i really don't want to hear about you getting your arm or leg blown off. it's not worth it. it's not. this war is bullshit, and everybody knows it. if you need to give yourself to some cause, shouldn't it be for something that means something? shouldn't you stand for something real? something important? i thnk of all the things that life can hold for you, and the thought of you going over there breaks my heart. you are so good. i know you have this great fantastic heart, and to see that ground down to see your view of the world soured in the most profound way-- i don't want that for you. i don't want it for anyone, but don't. please don't. you are still so young, and this will change you in ways you don't even understand yet. i have a friend who's dad has post traumatic stress so bad, all he can do is pump himself so full of drugs and liquor. he went from being one of the sweetest guy to an abusive asshole, who can't even tell his daughter that he loves her. i don't want that for you. have you heard about the guys who came back from the war and killed themselves, but not before killing their wives? these guys loved these women enough to want to spend the rest of their lives with them, and they kill them, not with guns, but strangling them. that's what war does. it's not heroic, it's not macho, it's not cool, it's not fun. it's fucked up, and i don't want that for you.don't get me wrong, i don't hate soldiers, i have the utmost respect for people who give themselves for a cause, and soldiers do it at the expense of everything else. it's admirable. but what i don't admire, what i don't respect is our fuckstain president. anyone who thinks of these people who give their LIVES so lightly, who views soldiers as little more than disposable, that makes my blood boil. i blame him for this stupid war, for those stupid choices, those lives ruined, those people killed. this war was bullshit from the start and he knew it. he ignored world wide protests, for his own selfish little bullshit, and people died, are dying for nothing. and i know when you are young you think, not me, it's not gonna be me. but don't you think all those men and women before you thought the same thing? don't you think my friend's dad thought, "not me?"

i promise you they did, just like you do. there is something better out there for you. so don't. please don't.


bush sr:
do you really think you did i good job raising your son, that he would turn into such a monster? not only has he got the blood of thousands on his hands, but he has turned the constitution of a country that you love into toilet paper. do you see where all your coddling, money hording, selfishness, and back room deals have brought you? and the worst part is, you don't even have to feel the worst of the pain? you don't have to watch your own children come home in body bags. but you do have to know you brought that monster into the world, and all that blood is on your hands too. i hope it haunts you all of your days.

bush: i hope the blood on your hands torments you. i hope it keeps you up at night, i hope that some day you realise the amount of evil you brought to this world and you cry unceasingly. i hope the guilt of it weighs on your soul the way it does for some of the soldiers that you made kill, a thousand fold. do you have no soul? do you really think this world is meant for you alone? did you really think you could do no wrong? that god was on your side? you are a fool. i pray all your lies will catch up to you, and those who made your sickness possible.

gt: so, now you've spouted. feel better? fuck you. it's time to stop being lazy, bitching but not protesting. get back to those streets. remember WTO? remember seeing your city taken over by people? remember how beautiful that was? how you thought, "this, this, this is democracy. this is what it's about." remember how it felt to stand up? don't go back to apathy. write, call, talk, design posters, do graff, make motion, make waves, make sure that your representatives represent you. impeachment comes from the bottom, so if you believe in it, you gotta do the work. no one else can or will. so you call yourself a dyed-in-the-wool pacifist, then stand against war. they are more than willing to give their lives, shouldn't you be willing to give somethng as small as your time, energy, and work? hey, you've been arrested for things that mean a hell of a lot less. you say you think there is nothing better than someone willing to put up and shut up for what they belive, well, if your goal is to be your own heroine, then shouldn't you be doing that too? tranny up, chica. get your ass up, and do something.

dear girltrouble -

your letter to Bush(s) pretty much sums up exactly what I've been thinking. I used to be so involved in backing what I believe in in a much more vocal and constructive way. I sit on my ass far too much. This speech of G.W.'s the other night has made my blood boil in a way that it hasn't in years. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he says he 'made mistakes' in Iraq and is going to fix them by sending 20,000 more troops. He's fixing his mistakes by sending 20,000 kids to risk their lives for this shit? He's finally pushed me over the edge and back into activism, so that I can help get him the hell out of office. 2008 can't come soon enough.

it's good to hear I'm not the only one who feels this way.
tollster mann,

ich kann gar nicht sagen, wie sehr ich das schätze, dass du heute vormittag mitgekommen bist. und dass du es sogar noch freiwillig angeboten hast. auch wenn du mir da ja körperlich nicht selbst helfen kannst, macht dieser großartige emotionale beistand doch ganz viel wett.

ich finde es auch ganz toll, dass du dir so viel sorgen um mich machst. auch wenn ich nicht damit umgehen kann. weil ja niemand weiß, wer hier eigentlich schuld hat. wenn man überhaupt von schuld sprechen kann. und ich fühle mich auch total bekloppt, dass ich dich damit reinziehe. aber irgendwie geht uns das ja auch beide was an. und es ist eben nicht selbstverständlich, dass männer mit zu frauenärzten gehen bzw. sich fast freiwillig einen qtip in die harnröhre schieben lassen.



p.s.: ich glaube, ich muss gleich rülpsen.

p.p.s.: ich liebe dich.
There was a very interesting article in Adbusters magazine a few years back (maybe during Bush's first term), speculating about the damage his childhood has caused to him. It was very interesting.
Dear S,

I'm over you, and you'll never get the same from P and K, as what you experienced from me. You'll come crawling back though, all it takes is for you to see me flirting with a man friend at the bar, and this makes me laugh inside.

See ya,



That kiss lat weekend, I was hammered, you need to know, I'm not into the dating thing, you're a great person, and I'm glad we are friends, but, romance is not going to happen with us.


Dear fucking moron drivers in Winnipeg,

It never fails to astound me that there are so many bad drivers in this city. I've been driving here for years, and I really didn't think it was that hard to take a half fucking second to use a turn signal! Wow, then it makes the rest of us realize that you are turing and not riding oyur break on purpuse, asshole. Also, green means go, red means STOP!!! Not cram as many fucking cars through the intersection on a red light. And what is it with the fucking mini van drivers here. It's like you are the worst of the fucking worst. Driving in a passing lane, going 90 kilometres an hour on the highway and talking on a cell phone is MOTHER FUCKING stupid. Geez, it's fuck heads like you who get expereinced highway drivers like me, killed! I learned how to drive on the highway, I know what I am fucking doing! Piss head, if you are afraid of driving over 60, here is my suggestion, one, do not drive on the highway, or anything place else where the speed limit goes above 60 km/h. That's all.


Dear Lewis Black,

You are one of the funniest comedians, I love your stand up!

dear m -

come on. you can do it. promise.

dear m -

ugh. ok, well thank you for at least calling and letting me know you couldn't make it. BTW, you know, you don't even know me. You don't even know the tip of the iceberg. You're kind of missing out. Just sayin'.

Dear Pete,

Holy fuck, what corner of my mind's prison cells did YOU sneak out of, and how, and why? I must have been - what? Twenty-two, twenty-three then? The era of my "wild" days - all those lovers, and the wreckage of my misspent coming of age. And now, here you are. WOW.

It's weird, but I almost totally forgot about you. Wow, would that have been a sad and sorrowful day in the universe, should it have come to pass. But yesterday morning, when I awoke, you poked up into my consciousness out of nowhere. Literally, nowhere. I don't even remember dreaming about you. But in the morning, there you were: a ghost, come to visit, for the first time in...ever.

You were a cutie. A musician - a guitar player, from Vancouver. Twenty-eight, tall, lean, with long, straight, dirty blond hair. And you had this gentle, sweet, good-looking face - like a folk art carving of a broadly-smiling moon. Yeah. Heh. A cute, sweet, laid back, happy guy, and probably a bit of a pothead, methinks. biggrin.gif

You were completely into me from the very first second we met, at a party in Calgary, where you played and I sang, impromptu. You practically velcro-ed yourself to my side for the rest of the evening, devoted to my every need and desire, as though I had suddenly been crowned regent somewhere. I believe if I’d wanted a pedicure, or a ten course feast, or a pathway strewn with flower petals, you would have gladly obliged.

It took me a long time to even notice, isn't that awful? My mind was wrapped around some unrelated misery, one largely of my own making (lessons never learned). Still, you were smitten - you really thought I was beautiful and amazing. And my voice had clearly already won a place for me in your heart.

As we tumbled down into my bed, I remember saying something, nervously (or was it a warning?), about the way you were fondling the roll around my waist. I don’t remember the exact words, but it might have been: “Why are you playing with my fat?”

You sat upright, pinning me with your arms on either side of my hips, and looked down into my eyes for a long moment. “I like your fat," you growled, groping my thick flesh with eager fingers. "I want to make love to your fat.”

After another long, long moment of staring at me, moon-face clearly brimming with desire and awe, you then dove for my belly to mash your lips against my skin.

You were hot for me. You were hard for me, more than once. Or twice, even. We had made love six times when the sun started coming up. Or was it going down? Yes, jesus, it was going down.

You were completely, absolutely, one hundred percent into worshipping every centimetre of me and my rounded body. The whole fucking package. The real deal.

So I sent you away.

Yes, I did, didn't I? Oh Pete, I'm so sorry. What an ass I was.

It all came back over the last couple of days, like pieces of a puzzle. It took me awhile to find them all. I'm still sifting through some of them, and the most important one - the ending - has only just made itself visible to me. That means it was probably the first thing I forced myself to forget. How else could I not know, until late this evening (fifteen, sixteen years later), that I was the one who sent you away?

Yes, it was me, when you would have stayed, and perhaps even run away with me, "rain on the windshield, heading south."

I was so fucked up back then. I don't even think I could find the words to explain it to you. I was a white hot mess. And having you come onto me like scared the shit out of me. Why? Because I thought something must have been seriously wrong with you, for you to be THAT into me. I didn't even understand how such things could even be possible. Yeah, that kind of fucked up.

I didn't know how to deal with you. I didn't know what to DO with you.

I fought to forget you. For some reason, I tricked my mind into remembering you as a shameful memory, and that made it easier to leave you locked away in my past. And after that, you seemed to be gone from my consciousness. But you weren't the shameful memory. It was me that I was ashamed of, so filled was I with self-loathing. I didn't know who you thought I was, but I was so sure it wasn't me you were seeing! I felt so unworthy of your adoration. I thought you were a freak for adoring me.

Looking back now, through the lens of time and healing, I see the lost, scared child in my younger self, just as clearly as I see the stupid mistakes I made. But at the time, I saw only demons and chaos within. My behaviour back then - that remains the only shameful memory to me now.

It's a funny thing, Pete. As these memories have come drifting back, I cannot help but smile at the memory of you. Your arrival at the surface of my consciousness fills me with a joy for having known you, and with a hope that one day you will know - maybe not even in this lifetime, but sometime - that you have given me a lovely gift after all, in these later years, now that I've found peace enough to see your spirit through softer eyes. And I'll never lock your memory away again - that, I can at least give you.

Dear, sweet, gentle, moon-faced man. I hope you are well and happy and loved.

Dear DM,

It has been 8 months since we broke up, 8 months since I have seen you, and 8 months since you took our dog away from me. I have to tell you, that you leaving me was the best thing you have ever done for me. I have never been happy, granted I have had some bad days, but I feel free.

I harbour no resentment for you getting me arrested, in fact, it was a wake up call when I had three police officers recognize an abusive relationship when I didn't. Those three police officers told me that if you called (which you did), to ignore you and your calls, they told me that if ou told me you loved me and you were sorry (which you did), to not go back. I never spoke to you again, nor will I ever. I feel sorry for you, you have serious mental health concerns and you need help. In order to be the best person you can, and there is some good in you, get some help and cut most of your family out of your life.

I must say that you were right about me and PR, we were carrying on, I was cheating on you with him, you didn't make me happy, everything you thought about him and I was true. We were meeting in parking lots and where ever we could. We cared about each other very much.
Don't forget that the threesome was your idea, I loved it, but it brought out a monster in you, and your jealousy is what drove me into PR's arms.

I am not sorry at all, not for one thing. You helped me see a jealous controlling asshole when I see one. You taught me to go with my instincts and red flag someone when they step over the boundaries which I have set up.

On the other hand, you have also caused me to have very serious trust issues with people I know. I trust few now, for fear that I will get hurt or betrayed.
You have also caused me to e afraid of getting into another relationship.

On the bright side, I have begun to live again, I have rekindled relationships which I thought lost, I am beginning to rediscover myself, and I know that I will continue to grow and I know that I am capable of unlimited success. You leaving me helped me accomplish this.

I was upset at losing you for three and half days, I cried hard for that amount of time, on Tuesday afternoon, I felt great, after six years, this really said something about the state of out relationship.

I wish nothing but the best for you, be the best you can be, what's done is done, all the best. I know I have been experiencing it, I miss the dog more than anything, and even now she is dead to me,

Good bye,

it took them seven fucking years to get over and accept br. What makes you think they will just be nice and kiss y our hubby's ass because you think they should. You can't control them. They are grownups and they don't have to be nice to anyone they don't want to be. I have tried to suggest how to deal with this but y ou insist on banging your head against a wall so that you can stay so angry at them.

You married a total fucking asshole with a drinking problem. I don't care how rude he thought our dad was to him or what a bitch the hostess of the party was that is no excuse to call her a fucking cunt. it is really sad that you are making excuses for his obnoxious behavior. You blame it on everyone else instead of him. If you both hate her so much then may I suggest the next time don't show up to her party.

You are a fucking crazy bitch you married a total arrogant loser who is a fucking douche bag. I feel sorry for the child you are about to bring into this world with him.

The best thing that can happen is that he leaves you.


So what is this, your 5th break-up over the past year? Listen, honey. I love you and all, but there comes a point when I get tired of listening to your wimpering. You keep talking about how these men have disappointed you, but it is becoming more and more clear that you share a good deal of the blame. In fact, I now believe that you are commitment-phobic. That is glaringly obvious with this latest break-up.

Yes, he made a little mistake, but you are JUST as guilty as he is! You admitted it! You did the EXACT same thing! But what confuses me the most is that this is something that happened BEFORE you two started dating. Why are you all worked up about this? Talk about the pot & the kettle! This is something that you two can work through, but it takes time and patience and communication. And as usual, your first response is to lose all hope & give up. Heaven forbid you actually have to work at a relationship.

I know that you think that my husband and I have it all perfect. I know that you've developed this odd idea that we have never had a fight (no matter the evidence to the contrary). The fact is that it has not been a smooth road for us. He and I both have some MAJOR skeletons in our closets. It took time and effort and understanding for us both to come to terms with all the baggage we brought to this relationship. And our relationship has survived because we were willing to put forth the effort.

My hope is that someone or something will enter your life aand inspire in you the maturity you need to have a successful relationship. I wish it was something I could teach you, but I guess that isn't to be. Until that happens, I'll still try to be the best friend I can to you. But pardon me if I try a little tough love with you.

dear zoya -

you are only feeling like this because you're sick. You totally rule. You're intelligent, beautiful, fun, interesting, and a whole bevy of other stuff. So why not you? No - you just feel physically shitty and of course this is coloring the way you see and feel about everything.

it will all be fine.
Dear Zoya,

You are le shit. You juggle shit that my lazy ass couldn't even imagine. I can't keep my fridge clean, but you can be up at six am in a hotel in Copenhagen doing your thang. I bow before you in your infinite glory. Feel better. It'll be all right.


what aural and zoya said.



have i thanked you for every time you called me? from every fiber of my being, from everybeat of my heart, thank you. you will never ever know how much those calls meant to me. you are my oldest, best, friend, and you know as well as i do, i have lost more friends than most. but you've been there. always since highschool, hanging out with our little theatre clan and the part of the school we took over. baby sitting everybody whil we got drunk, took acid and shooms. you were the straight man. the rest of us, jerry lewis. picking my sorry ass up in the stix so we could go clubbing. your numberous crushes. ok, enough about natalie. i suppose i was just as bad about calie. god we were so green. you were always calling. talking about the newest playboy, while i'd roll my eyes. (thank god you got over i thought you were a dork, but then-- so was i. we'd find ourselves laughing about what ever stupid thing that came along, debating films, talking about politics. bullshitting. i didn't know what to think when you moved out to oakland, and we got a place together. but you put up with me. i was glad you did. we both needed to get out of colorado. i remember when i was reviewing movies and you asked how i got into it, and you took the ball and ran with it, out doing me by a mile. and i couldn't have been prouder. you were always more focused than i. that's what i loved. i was the flake and you took it in stride. just like when i came out to you. here i am sweating bullets, thinking you'd reject me like some of my friends, need some time to think, like my mom. but not you. i'd bet you didn't even bat an eye. i swear, if i live to be a hundred, i will always remember your reaction: "well now i know why you were so good in 'baby with the bathwater." i know you were smirking when you said it-- even over the phone. it was one of the funniest, sweetest things anyone's ever said to me. and so smart. i think i will always owe you for that comment. there is no way i can ever repay it. it was so accepting. and you never missed a beat. or forgot to call. i remember you asking if you could still call me chuck. i told you, i wouldn't have it any other way. and i still laugh when you call. i can hear your voice-- "hey chuck! how ya doin', girl?" and it always seemed so effortless, how you'd do that. hold onto who i was, but honor who i've become. goddamn it, i'm gonna cry, you asshole. you really are the best friend a girl or a guy could have. i am so lucky to have had you as a friend too. you tried to help me understand where my mom was coming from, and see things from her point of view, when i was angry, and even kitty couldn't talk sense into me. you are the one constant in my life, the one person who was always there. and i cant begin to tell you how much that-- you-- mean to me. i'm not a very good friend, i am sure you know. i rarely call, and i am moody, but i am trying to get better. i want to be as good as you are. things are fucked up right now, but they are getting better. when i can i will call you. this time it's on me. i guess since i haven't heard from you in a while, i miss that space in my life you'd always filled. i've realized just how crucial you are to me. so you sit back. i'll carry the weight. it's the least i can do.

jayna to your zan,
your gal pal,
anna k
Dear sis,

Grow up. Stop drinking till you can't see straight, find a better job, lose all your heavy weight so you don't die an early death or want to kill yourself, and act like a grown woman instead of refusing to accept adulthood.


doodlebug, that was a great post.
Dear Emily (puppy),

Sorry I haven't been able to take you for a walk, it's just a little too cold out there for you and me both. -50 with the windchill isn't fair. You aren't a husky, malamute, or anything other arctic dog. Nope, you are a crazy (but highly lovable) border collie, and I know you like it outside, but I am not risky frost bite for either of us. Once it warms up I promise I will take you for a walk, hey I like it too!



Dear weather,



if you're going to reject what I submitted, could you kindly do it sooner rather than later please?
I realise yesterday was a holiday and all, but as this is pretty huge to me, your timely attention would be much appreciated.
oh, and if you could do so in an email form would be best, so I can cry in the privacy of my own home and to myself (rather than to just not have you respond or were you to call me and Then reject me) and move on from there?

tepid submitter who thinks I might be able to do good -to-great things for your paper if given a chance

and go work out!

so, here it is, the day you've been waiting for, and.. it's been a train wreck. one of those days where those mean little things dogpile you till you're buried and suffocating. then the bad part hits. i know it feels like you have been thru hell, and it was good to see her, wasn't it? but tomorrow's another day. and yeah, your world has taken another huge shift, before you've had a chance to get your balance. it'll be ok chica. hold fast, but let go of the past. you've been thru worse. it doesnt seem like it right now it's true. when you cry try to remember your rule of thumb on those bad days when your bones would ache and you couldn't force yourself outside; in a year, in five, in ten, you won't even remember today. while that won't exactly be true, the pain won't go as deep, or feel as sharp. have you learned your lesson yet, or are you still a masochist? time will tell if you ever get the chance to make things right, to do them better. but don't stop living, please. bite your lip, breathe thru the pain, and know this too shall pass. keep your head up mama. you'll be ok. you'll be ok. trust me, you'll be ok.

((((((((gt)))))))))) we don't forget how amazing and strong and how much you rock, don't you forget it either.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. None of the BUSTies should ever forget how great they are and how much you rock!

Dear SC,

You don't know what you're missing! I know you won't forget me! Ever.



don't break.

you submitted your work, then you screwed up the courage to follow up, and hey, even if it's only published in a 'Reader's Work' generic section of the paper, it's Out There and that's something you didn't have before.

don't hurt so much.

you have a voice.
you have Always known this.
don't let one small setback throw you off the horse--- did you really expect them to throw you a party and fall at your feet just bc YOU thought the essay was so good?

please don't shatter so, everyone starts somewhere and learning is a good thing.



I would never even have your courage to submit.
Thank you soooooo so much for hanging out with me last night. It was so sweet of you to just drop everything just to hang out with me, especially since we haven't seen one another in so many months! We must do that again soon. Mustmustmust.

Dear weather in the Pacific Northwest,
Please be kind. I accept that it will not be warm and cheerful outside during this trip, but it would be grand if the sky would stay fairly clear. Just a suggestion!

Dear people who will be sitting next to me on my flights,
Please be considerate. And quiet. And please bathe before the flight.
dear ____ -

I just want you to know that I am not the girl you might think I am were you to know what happened. I kissed your husband. The devoted father of your beautiful little one and the man who loves the hell out of you. I have no excuse. I have always been someone who runs the other way at even the mention that someone has a significant other, I'll run even faster if marriage is the case. I absolutely believe in the committment of marriage and all that choice entails. Why did I do it? I was weak. I could have gotten in a taxi on my own like I was going to do, knowing that it would put me out of jeapordy, but instead my drunk ass shared a cab with his drunk ass. Being drunk is no excuse. I've been drunk and walked away from situations like that before. I don't have an excuse. I kissed your husband and I am so so sorry. I know it doesn't help to hear that he and I have had a talk about it and set up parameters for when we have to be around each other in a social situation. Your relationship is as important to me as it is to him. I have no ties, I have nothing to lose. He has everything to lose and I will be damned if I even become the tiniest shred of a wedge in your relationship. I would rather walk away and never talk to either of you again, knowing that everything is good in your relationship, than stay around and be the cause of any doubt on anyone's end.

I'm sorry. I fucked up and I'm really bummed at myself. I know in the general scheme of things its not a huge thing, but it is to me.

dear pup...

im sorry you have to live with other people, i hope you werent too scared when you were brought to your new home. i promise you they will take really good care of you and they have way more time for you than i will ever have. and thats all you need to be the best pup you can be. i miss you more than i could ever even think i could miss a human. i hope you have more outside time with a yard and people that attend to you when you need to cuddle or play.


your mum

P.S. i forgive you for peeing on me.
dear s -

I have the utmost respect for you. Someday I'm going to be with a man just like you. And yes, I said man. Because you are one. Not a guy, not a boy. A man. An exemplary man. You've shown me that there are exemplary men out there and I know that there will be one for me soon. I'm so glad I met you. In the short time I've known you, you've taught me so much. Your wife is a very lucky woman to have you.

Dear Self,

What's going on with you? You're feeling all down and shit. Try and cheer up. I know you want some alone time, it'll come you will get it after tonight. I promise.

ok realising this might go in the shameless self promo thread but here I go anyway...........


and I'll stop shouting now, even though I am still feeling pretty heady & HIGH from it! biggrin.gif

I am so-totally-psyched now, y'all don't Even know!
the pic & bio are so my byline will say something like " my name & then Contributing Writer..."

- would Con Writer be the same as a Freelancer?

yah yah yah!!

= end of shameless self promotion==

bc I have never ever wanted anything for myself quite as badly as this ever ever before.
call me.

freckle congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! biggrin.gif
anna k
That's so fantastic!
dear body-
i know the last couple weeks at work have been crazy stressful, and i'm asking a lot more of you than you should be able to give, but thank you for not breaking down on me. this last week especially has been rough on you, what with people calling in sick and being on vacation and crazy long and varied hours. but just give me a couple more weeks. there's that long weekend in february coming up and i promise if you haven't broke down or gotten sick yourself by then, we'll spend it in portland. doesn't that sound like fun? no kids, no work, no mom, just you and me and four whole days of total relaxation. we can lounge around the hotel's heated pool, go the museum for that egyptian exhibit, ride around on the max all day, go to saturday market for some tie-dye, get some coffee people at the airport, go to shelly's on pioneer square for those huge burritos with the sweet tomatillo sauce you like so much. just a couple more weeks, and we're outta here. hang in there!
((freckle)) Well done you!
thankyou all much!!

it's not a total done deal yet... the paper wants to print it but on my end there are some logistics (picture, all that) to be worked out still... I had no idea what all actually went into these things from the back side .... will let you all know!

ideally, this will run, the readers will LOVE IT, they will get Such a response that they ask me to do more for them leading to a regular gig but for now? I'll settle for this - hee! tongue.gif

thanks again! smile.gif
Dear Brut,

I wish you were here right now, curled up on the futon sofa next to the computer as you usually are. Instead, you're in the hospital, with your liquid and solid intake/output being closely monitored. I hope you're not too scared or depressed.

We're putting you through this chemo because it's giving you a good shot at siginificantly extending your life, but I feel terrible that Wednesday's treatment has made you so ill. Hopefully the new anti-nausea drugs you get will prevent this from happening again. And I hope that you're feeling better now and can keep down some food and water, so that we can bring you home tomorrow. Ratboy and I really miss you, and are keenly aware of your absence!

So please hang in there, you tough little guy. We'll see you soon, and remember: We LOVE you!

stop daydreaming about how all the spouses at the mr's workplace will suddenly want to talk to you, and how you will snub them in response, after your essay is printed and you become famous.
also stop devising underhanded means and situations to ensure that people that have spited you here will be sure to see it when it is printed also.

1st- it's just one tiny piece. you don't even know if anyone will read it at all!

and 2nd- how old are we now?


to say the least it is Very Bad Karma, and if That doesn't shake some sense into us and scare us straight I do not know what will!

do not make me have this talk with you again mad.gif


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