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Dear T,

Why did you trick me into loving you? I tried so hard to get rid of you, and you kept coming back and I gave in. I fell head over heels in love with you. And you never told me in the beginning how hard loving you would be. How hard it is to love a man whose wife left him for another man. How hard it is to love a man with four daughters. How hard it is to love a man who, even though his wife left him, still spends time with her for the sake of the kids. How hard it is to love a man who inadvertantly gave me a STD I can never be rid of...even though you didn't know you had it. How hard it is to love someone who loves me but doesn't want anything more than what we have. How long will I accept that, as long as I stay with you, I will only be your girlfriend? What do I want from you? What do I want from me? Somewhere in the middle is the answer, but I have no idea what it is yet.


Dear Dad,

You are an ass. She just died two months ago, your wife of 23 years. She wasn't my mom, and I didn't even like her. But have some respect. Don't date someone 3 weeks after you bury her. It's seamy and mean to everyone who knew her.

dear parents -
I love you, but if I snap at you it's because I have been trapped in this house with you for 2 days while this damn snowstorm blocks us in. You're making me nuts. I understand that in your eyes, I will always be 15 years old, not a 30-something, self-supporting adult. Usually I can let that roll right off - that is, when I have space to get away. So please forgive me if I get short with you at times, because I can't get away from you.

I love you, but there is a reason we move out when we get to be old enough.


Dear snowstorm -
I need to go to the store, I want to see a movie, and I really want to visit Auralpoison.
so please stop.

Dear m -
i still don't get you, but that was a nice little email this morning.

dear boy -
where are you?

dear zoya -
hammer down and get your work done, dammit! You will have so much more fun in the next couple of weeks if you do.

dear letter thread -
I'm sorry to hog you, but I just love you. you are excellent therapy.
dear kitty:

have i told you i love you? yeah i guess i have. and i am sure that you took it to mean that you are my best friend, etc. but i mean i LOVE you. there isn't a day that doesn't go by that i don't kick myself for ever letting you go. i loved you more deeply and more intensely than i've loved anyone. and i thought i knew true love before i met you. but i never knew i could be loved until i met you. when i think of all the stuff we went thru together... some of the stuff i put you thru. i don't think i'll ever forgive myself. not that i could help it. i decided i needed to transition before i met you, and then here you were, the girl i had been waiting for. the love of my life. but it still seemed like i screwed up. a lot of it i had to just to grow into me. and now i know how to love better. and you are gone. i know we said it was a mutual thing when we broke up. i wanted to support you moving to a new state, i would support you if you said you were going to buy the moon. i just love you and anything you want, i just wanted to be on your side, bitching out anyone who said "boo." and i said i needed to find out who i was after i'd transitioned. yeah. i thought it was the mature thing to do.that was my thing. i felt like i had done my last gf wrong and had screwed up ours enough, that once we found our equalibrium i guess i just didn't think i deserved you. today i heard a woman on the radio. she was a ts too. she had just gotten the operation and she was talking about how she and her wife were still together despite everything, and i wanted to cry. i thought that could have been, should have been us. if we weren't to smart for our own good. we had found a love deeper than anything even our own selfishness and because we believed so forcefully in supporting eachother, we'd even give each other up cos we thought somehow life would make us happy. and i believed it for so long. i thought love wasn't always enough. horse shit. love is always enough if you love someone you should hold onto it like it's the only thing there is. and now you're with your many years? 3? 4? how come i still love you like we broke up yesturday? i dated someone for a year, and you're still my heart. ha. wubbie and i went to a show the other day and there was a girl sitting in front of us who had arms like yours. wubbie teased me saying i have a thing for arms, and perhaps thats true. but i miss you joking about your "pythons" and "guns" and laughing as you flex. perhaps i am still just chasing pieces of you when i get all crushed out on some girl with perfect eyebrows or your honeybrown skin. you were my lady sun, and without you it gets cold. especially now that i get the feeling we'll never get back together. my heart broke a little when i found out you were coming to town and i realized i wouldn't get to see you. i susupected that you were with your bf and he doesn't want you to have anything to do with me. hell, if i was him i'd want to kick my ass too. i did everything i could to see that you two never got together. i deserve that. i wish i still had that part of me that could just be happy that you were happy-- even if it wasn't with me. but i think that girl-- the one who thought that way-- was a naive fool. now i'm just jealous and sad and in love with what we had.

have told you i love you? yeah, i guess i did.

Nobody cares a flying fuck anymore about all the bad things that have happened to you! After a certain period of time, you become responsible for your own happiness! Continuing to wallow or throw your little pity parties is really very pathetic. Enough time has passed, get up and make a new life if your aren't happy with the one you have. You were always so weak!

ETA: for clarification...this post is not directed at anyone in this forum.
Ever deal with someone who was, like, help me, help me, praise me, encourage me, and then after you do, over a long period of time, no less, they turn around and give you a boot in the face?

Yeah, I'm done with that.

No more "helper girl" for me.

Fuck it.
Dear Dad,

As much of an asshole as you may have been, I understand why now. Thank you for teaching me how to drive on snow & being an all around dickhead about driving in general. I've been watching a girl try to back her car out of the trench of our drive way for about a half hour & in spite of the pity I feel, I've been laughing. It's called rocking, ya'll. Forward, back, forward, back. It's slow going, but it works. If I could walk, I'd take her down some kitty litter to help her get some traction.

P.S. She finally found somebody in another car to push her, but the girl still has the car in gear instead of neutral.

P.P.S. My shouts of "neutral" have been heard. She is free.

P.P.P.S. If I gots to hop on one muthfuckin' leg to see Zoya today, I will gotdammit.
You have to put it in neutral when you rock it, aural? Or just when someone's pushing you?

When we got 16 inches here in Chicago a few weeks ago, I was sitting here in the office laughing at someone who was trying for 20 minutes to get their car out. They didn't really get the rocking concept. The strange thing was, eventually they gave up, but then sat in their car, with it running, for like 45 minutes. WTF?
Nah, not for the rocking. Rocking requires gear. When pushing you're gonna get better action in neutral.
Dear M:

Hope you had a good holiday. I didn't. I had to hold Mom while she cried herself to sleep because she thinks she lost her son. She said, "M's gone forever. He has his other family and I'm old and no fun anymore".

Seriously. I know it's hard visiting somebody with Alzheimers but, really. I thought you were supposed to be all "family values"?

Mom's not that far gone yet. She knows her son chose to not visit her for Christmas.

Sadly, I think this may have been the last Christmas where she's conscious enough to know it's a holiday.

Ya know, I'm the youngest. I could buy it if you were struggling financially and couldn't afford to visit. But, you who takes at least ten vacations a year....maybe you could trade one of those trips to Vegas, with a trip to reassure your old Mom?

Don't ever play that family values "i'm such a good republican/christian" crap with me again.
Everybody know that when you're rockin', you need to drive it forward and then drive it in reverse! Several times!

Oh, we're talking about CARS in SNOW, right aural?!
I grew up very close to you but have lived here in the hellish fake south for the last 13 years now;
the first time I got caught in an unplowed lot (drove into it never thinking twice bc Hello, in YankeeLand it's no big thing right) and damned if the old tricks didn't kick right in and I rocked us right on out of there.
I was much proud of myself.
sadly, little did I realise that would be the Last Snow this craphole area would see from that point on.
all of my xmas cards sent back home begged everyone to * 'send snow.'*

(((((treehugger)))) you're such a remarkable and strong woman, I really admire you in so many ways.
your mom is fortunate to have you as a daughter.

can this be a better year maybe?
a year of Action and Positive growth?
willing to meet you at least 1/2 assuming I don't get lost,

loving and missing you but doing ok.
keep your head down and your wits about you and never doubt how crazi proud the girl & I are of you always. tomorrow we start the real actual countdown on the new calendar- yah!
oxoxo, your lonely Bette'
Dear 2007,
So far, you are looking pretty spiffy! I'm am looking forward to getting our credit cards paid off and being more financially stable. I am also looking forward to getting the Mr.s new car since 3 kids will be a tight squeeze in both of our sedans. Can you manage to send a really sweet teaching job to the Mr. this year to pay for the new car so he doesn't have to work in teh ghetto anymore? Pretty please?
For myself, my biggest request is that it not be 107 degrees in August this year! I know I am goign to feel like a beached whale by then anyway, must I really suffer in so much heat? Heck, I am sweating today and its nearly freezing outside! And please pass quickly! I don't want this pregnancy to last forever!

stupid white trash neighbors/neighborhood:

stop setting off fireworks already!! it's only 6:00PM- 6 whole hours before Midnight yet.
can ya wait? well can ya?!

the person who would love to move away from your shitty little subdivision ideals

ps: neighbor w/ the 10 trillion yappy dogs:
I really think I may sneak over to your house & nail or seal your doggy door shut so that you will have no choice but to listen to their incesant yipping and yapping as those around you must, all hours, day in and day out. I love animals and advocate for them whenever possible, but seriously, a bb gun is looking mighty inviting these days.
psp: and oh yah, when 2 of them escaped your backyard the other day, I was the one (w/ the mr too) who tried my best to corral them back to your fenced yard so they didn't get hit or worse, only to have them both nearly attack me when I discovered your fence is locked w/ a thickly wrapped paddlock.
after that, they, and you, were on your own. next time I won't care at all. (or wish I didn't.)
Dear N,

Why the fuck are you still dating that crazy bitch? She's physicaly/emotionally ABUSIVE & crazier than a shithouse rat. Seriously, man. Yeah, she' purdy. Real purdy. But is that all that matters? You're gonna have to tase her one of these days & I'm just gonna laugh at you for being such a slave to your schlong. It may be big, but it's shallow.

dear nervous boy,

goddammit, why couldn't you have been cocky? you are so terribly adorable-looking. i don't know whether you're a missed connection or a lesson learned, but either way--too bad. and maybe you learned from it, too.

-girl in gold heels
Dear universe,
I'd just like to give a few thank you's to people & things I am grateful for at the end of 2006:
My therapist - for making Christmas with my parents not just tolerable but enjoyable.
My cousin - for shoiwng me the way to lead an honest and fulfilling life.
My friends who've moved away to make new lives for themselves - thanks for staying in touch
My friends who've stayed - likewise
My brother - for having the courage to ask for help
My sister - for letting joy into your life
My parents - for your generousity
My job - for keeping me challenged and interested (& for helping me pay the bills)
GS - for being such a shining example of compassion and strength and for giving me the opportunity to learn how to lead.

The bust boards - I don't post often but every time I lurk here I find some golden nugget of strength, inspiration, and/or humour. Please keep posting.


P.S. Don't forget my resolution to have more fun. If I forget please remind me.
Dear self,
Next time, don't drink two americanos in a row, or else you will be up all night.
And yes, it does hurt now, but you will survive this.

Dear AZ Guy,
I try to get a hold of you four times last night and you can't find the time to call me back?
Fuck you.
If you can't treat me right, then get out of my life.

P.S. Your friend called. He wanted to hang out with you but since you couldn't call, you missed out. Asshole. P.P.S. And don't tell that I should have told you to call me, that is a copout. I'm as socially retarded as they come, but even I know that.

Dear 2007,
Okay, I've got some big plans for you, so let's have everything work out well.
I want the courage to get the jobs I want, to go to Europe and to finally get some dead weight off.
I know I can do these and more, but I'm really, really scared.
So try to make this as easy as possible, please? Make sure all the people I care about are safe and have a good year as well.
dear 2006.

i'm tempted to bad mouth you, but on the upside, there wasn't another american war started by our fuckstain president, so i guess you're ok. really, i should have known that i was in for a rollercoaster ride when your theme was "2006, full of tricks!" and you were. after umpteen years of waiting a year of hoping for my mom to come around, i finally wrote her off. and really, that is a good thing. hell it's the best thing this year. i've been waiting for me to get sick of being "the red-headed stepchild" or the black sheep in the family, and 2006, you kicked that shit in the ass, so thanks. i started painting in earnest again, and since it is such a centering activity in my life, that's good too. and while i started you unemployed, and couldn't get hired to save my life as a parting gift you gave me one of the best job interview experiences i've ever had, and a new job i am looking forward to. although it would have been fantastic to win the lottery.....i lost touch with no friends this year, and that seems to be stablizing,OH! my girls. thank you for my girls. tenderfoot tiff, laurelita, trixie and saint kat all rocked. a girl could'nt have asked for better, and thank you for making our relationships deeper. i love my girls, even if the romance w/ kat was a no-go. cos i got back in touch with and hang out with wubbie, from my years with alison, and i missed her. she's one of the few people in this town who really knew me when i was a boi, and god, if she isn't the cutest thing ever. so while you didn't do much in the way of romance (really, you should have tried better!) i'm always lucky in love, so i'm not worried. all and all, you were pretty freaking fantastic, so now that i think about it, thank you.


dear 2007:

i do hope that you will meet or exceed the work by the year you are replacing. i have high expectations. i've given you the motto--"2007, 7x heaven" so you need to be very very good. 1) job front- ought 6 got me a great job, so you need to make sure i am going to move up quickly and prosper, and love it there. 2)money - i'm so tired of being broke, so do be dilligent in this arena. winning the lottery would be a start, and i am talking the mega ones, not those podunk $20 wins. i want to be able to travel, k? and you know some of the other things i want so, that plus. no struggles this year. that is sooooo 2006. ought 7, i want my most uttered phrase to be, "don't worry. i got it" i wanna pay for drinks with the girls. they've been awesome and covered my ass. this year it's my turn. 3)luck - since we are talking about fortune, let's change this up. i want that feeling i had in the bay area, where i simply cannot do wrong. that you-can get away with murder kinda luck. 4)self- 2007, you are the year of building girltrouble inc. build my confidence till i'm a bulldozer by next year. 5)friendships-- again 2006 kicked ass with my girls, so this one's up to you, just make it better. 5) frienships-- new people are cool, but i wanna be tight with my girls first and formost, and since 6)romance- i would love to date wubbie. really. it might be a disaster, but god is she supreme. but as i said, i'm lucky in love, so this one, you really have carte blanche on. i'd be open to guys, but no bullshit guys who aren't comfortable with t-girls. really. somebody's ass will get kicked, and mine ain't on the list. 7) art/projects-- oh six got it started, you gotta take it to the next. writing projects (you know the one) will not only get completed, i expect them to find easy success. so start on that NOW. blow that shit up, kid! art wise, i want inspiration and success too. new ideas, new ways of work, including scupture. some SL stuff too. but find places-- no. have places that want to show my work find me, buyers who want to buy and people who want to write and talk about my work. i want to get back into film production or film festival work, so let's kick some ass this year. a'ight? a'ight then. let's do this. you've got my seven. 'member: ought seven, seven times heaven." i want you to be a really great year.

Dear Internet Guy:
I'm flattered that you drove 2 hours in the snow for our first date. We were getting along so brilliantly over email/phone. Lunch was nice and then you wanted to go to the movies. Well, Night at the Museum was the worst fucking movie ever...but I sat through it and pretended to like it b/c you didn't want to see the movie I have been dying to see for two fucking weeks. Nice. You held my hand minutes into the movie...a little weird but I went with it. Well, there was no way you were getting back home in that weather so you would have to stay over. Fine. At that point I was excited to have the company. It's been a little lonely here lately. We watched tv and cuddled a little bit and then you kissed me. I felt we were moving a little fast, but I was really excited to meet sounded perfect. I was NOT expecting any of this. Fuck, i didn't even shave my legs--after two weeks! Well, after a few glasses of wine you got me. We got carried away and I gave you head, you went down on me and then we fucked. You weren't even that good and your sex face is uber creepy. The next morning, it happened all over again. I am such a fucking idiot. True to form, you were sweet the entire time. We even went out to breakfast and had great conversation. Two professionals--sounded great on paper. When you left, you kissed me goodbye and honked and waved. I made the idiot decision to email you before you even got home to tell you what a great time I had and couldn't wait to see you again etc. I also said I wished we hadn't gotten to the point we did becasue I wanted you to respect me. I want to puke all over. You didn't email me back or call...and I could see you were online and had to have read it. You tortured me all night...on New Years Eve for fucksake. Well, I DID go the movie I wanted to see and it was fucking awesome. It's day two of feeling like a cheap fucking whore. Thanks. I see you were online again, you asshole. Oh..hey you finally wrote back! So personal and meaninful. Nice to hear you're still hungover from NYE. "How is everything?" the last fucking email I sent! Everything sucks because I liked you, you seemed to like me, I feel like a total confused slut and I have to go back to work tomorrow and I can't sleep. Fuck you. I didn't email you back. I will tomorrow and it won't be epic. Short and sweet mother fucker. So, are we on for a second date? (goddamn I hate me)

You mind keeping us posted in one of the dating threads? I want to know how this turned out/ ended....

Dear 2007,

Please be the best year ever! A lot is lined up and in the works...Please don't let me down

Dear m -

The ball is in your court. You know where I am, you know I want to hang out, you have my number. Use it. I know you will, but soon would give you extra bonus points.

Dear "dad,"

I am coming. Give me a day or two or three and I will get the pictures from your life to you. Please hang on until this weekend at least!! We need to talk about the meaning of your life before the end. You should not have lost touch with everything.

Your loving wombat
Oh free spirit, thanks for the hug. Just seeing your reply made me smile. I did post something in the dating site like you asked and will continue to update...if it is 'updatable'! Thanks again smile.gif
dear girl A,
You so rock. Please don't abandon me in this town. It won't be the same without you.

dear girl B,
You don't have to fear me. But have some class. Seriously.

dear girl C,
Cut my hair and then let's make out.
dear m -

You're killing me. What the hell was that? Just "hi?" Maybe my response was a little aloof - but hell man, if you're interested, come the HELL and get me! You're the one who's been asking about getting together (very trepidatiously, but still. I applaud you.) Do NOT choke now. I know I could just ask you to do something, and I probably will take the bull by the horns if you don't do it yourself pretty soon, but it would feel so much better if you'd ask me to do something. Make a suggestion. I'm going to say yes. You have nothing to fear. Just DO IT SOON you dork.

you're all such boys and you all slay me.
show me you have some cajones.
call me.

ps - ok, you do get some bonus points for at least contacting me soon. But not as many as you'd get if you'd just ask me to do something.
Dear F,

I know it is hard and people are shit, but killing yourself is not the only viable solution.
You are hurting me and scaring me and I don't want you to do it. I have never been a quitter and
neither should you.

*wishing for a miracle*

I love you,

ok, i'm crushed out on you. i have been since i met you. you are everything and more that i would want in a girlfriend. you're the smartest person i've met, more that alison's professors, with all their dime-store ten-cent lacanian worshiping words. you speak that language, without missing a beat, but without needing the security blanket of big words. funny as hell, from dirty jokes, to oblique art references, you get it, but you stay true to you, and hey, i don't see the point of the ramones past one song either. art, theatre, movies music, food, design, books, and politics-- and gender. so much we have in common. honesly, i think you are sooooooo the shit. every way shape and form. i love drinking in the kitchen laughing while you bake cookies, or listening to obscure soul and punk. i love you when you wear your shark skin men's suits, i love you when you wear your vintage dresses. and i know right now you feel like you aren't that attractive with your salt and pepper hair and the androgenous thing, but i think you are. and i don't know if intellectually i'm your match, but i think i can give you something else. someone who would adore you, cheer you on, and show you how kick ass you are to me. i cant stand the thought that your bf doesn't like to touch you, or be touched. when i hung out with the both of you for the show the other night, i swear my heart skipped everytime you touched me. i'm not the kind to break up a relationship, but if you broke up with him i would have to ask you out. i've known you for ten years-- i think you were my age when i met you--i would have to see if we would work. you're just too amazing not to.

Dear You,

What weird karmic forces are exacting justice for whatever good I did in past lives?...yeah, right, like I believe ANY of that stuff...point is, you are my big juicy cosmic reward.

My extra hot dog at the ass-numbingly boring ballgame of life.

I am damn talented with the bad metaphors lately.

You give light to darkness in ways I could never imagine, my darling, imperfect Partner. Who knew such seemingly silly little words could do so much?

Your selflessness is unmatched, and, anxiety-riddled cynic that I am, worries the shit out of me.

Don't lose sight of you in your efforts to help me, mmkay?

There is a type of person I call "The Crazy-Eater." They themselves have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and veer madly from thinking they are the lowliest of worms to thinking they are magnificent, benevolent princesses.

They survive by trying to be as good-looking and sexually appealing as possible, having position, money, churchly virtue, etc. Some other claim to fame, or bookish intelligence, doesn't hurt either. They often get themselves into some sort of "helper" position, in charities or the medical professions or even in just being the most popular neighbor who holds the best parties.

They survive their own deep fear and hate and insanity by feeding off others. Here's how it works. When they are low, they reach out for the sympathy of others, and it is granted, because they ooze out nothing but love and kisses when they are high again, to compensate others for having helped them when THEY are low. They are motivated by the fact that they will be low and vulnerable again, one day.

They latch on to those who are mentally ill, like the "friends" of my mentally ill father, who robbed him, his wife, and his children, blind. "I'll be your friend even when other people aren't!! Oh, do they stigmatize you? There, there! Look how successful *I* am! I've had problems too! You can do it!" They love depressed and isolated housewives, and people just coming out of detox. They love naive young people who feel lost in the world and are trying to be rebellious. They love love love people who don't think they are attractive enough to get love and sex in their lives.

Such succulent pieces of meat walking around for them to feed on. "I'll be your friend! We'll be crazy TOGETHER! And I'll teach you how to get this and get that! You're so sad and alone, aren't you? You wouldn't mind giving me THIS little thing, would you? After all I've DONE for you? Oh, and, could you turn against THAT person for me? Could you help me push her out? She thinks she's ABOVE us now ((((may God help the person who wants to move themselves and their relatives towards honesty, independence, self-respect, and other healthy things))) "

Just wait till you actually DO get something good. Or, just wait till you actually do have friendship and acceptance and respect in the community. "OOOHHHHHH, don't you just REALLY WANT some of this delightful indulgent sweets and drugs and alcohol and sex and nutsiness? Nobody really exercises, you know! Oh, it's so dull to do all that schoolwork! Don't you want to come over and help me bake cookies for the children? Don't you? Remember how we're friends? Remember when I was the only one who stood by you? How do you know it won't happen again? HMM?"

When I was mourning the death of my mother and having to cut my father and sister out of my life, and deal with a stressful job, I soldiered through, going to the gym, finding lawyers, and finding a cheap therapist, went through many of both to find someone who could be trusted. I also cried, and raged, and didn't do some of my house chores, but it was the toughest time of my life, and I soldiered on. I went to see a therapist to try to remove the burden of my blubbering from my boyfriend's shoulders, mainly, and to make sure that I did NOT have to take drugs, be insitutionalized, or harm myself. I was making sure, I was having strength.

There were people I met then that had spent their entire lives in misery, pitying themselves for being "the ugly one" and "the stupid one" who had done drugs to the 'confined to detox' level, who could never keep a man in their lives. They latched on to me and tried to take things from me with great glee, finally "the pretty one" and "the smart one" was brought down. They said that my grief and my consulting lawyers and therapists showed that I was "mentally ill" and trashed my name to everyone. I meet people years later who speak to me as if I am a "patient" "are you feeling better now? ..." etc.


Avoid them.

Don't stick up for them.

They can't really help you get what you want out of life. They reinforce your illness and offer what turns out to be cold comfort so they can control you, because they don't know what else to do with themselves.

dear you,

i moved 3000 miles to uncharted territory (for me, anyway). "people move all the time". tell me about it. bitch.

dear self,
hey, thanks for being such a prick. now *nobody* wants to be near you. way to go. keep up the good work.
you're doing really good- way better than you expected! rock on mama, rock on!

I know I know, you're stuck w/ just me and the girls now and your heart is broken, but we're lovin' you extra to make up some the best we can, and you're the # 1 boy here for now.
tomorow, we'll go for our first long walk at the muni park and you will be so Happy!
we'll get thru this together little one, please no more pining, it makes me too sad.
Dear BestGalPal,
Thanks for calling me today while you were on your way to the cupcake shop. Can you believe we haven't seen one another in 9 months? NINE MONTHS! And yet I still feel as close to you as ever. Thanks for that. It means so much to me. Enjoy your environmentally-conscious cupcake!

Dear Person,
So, what's up? I'm wondering if I should call you or if you'd rather I didn't. I know you get busy with work and all, but you haven't made any effort to contact me in quite a while. It seems like I'm the only one who is trying to keep this friendship going. Could it be that you don't actually want to be my friend? Or are you just soooooooo crazy busy that you don't have time for me? I hope not because I feel that we have plenty in common & I've really enjoyed your company. Give me a ring, okay?

Dear other person,
The reason why I think the above person may not like me so much is because I see her treating me much the way that I treat you. And I hate to admit this, but the fact is that I really don't like you that much anymore. In fact, I've always found you kinda irritating and loud and brash and even a bit offensive. You can be funny sometimes and even sweet ocasionally, but not often enough. And I don't know why you've taken up this pattern of calling me every couple of days. We haven't even lived near one another since back in 2003 when we both just happened to be in England. I usually heard from you about once a year, but now it seems like you're trying to turn me into your best friend. You're even talking about moving across the country to my area! And I reeeeeeeeally really really don't want you to do this. I'm doing every thing I can to convince you that this isn't the right area for you. Please don't make this so bad that I feel compelled to "break-up with you. I honestly don't want to do that.

it was cool meeting you, i'm glad you like my paintings, and i'd love to have a show in spring. but you're a flirt. i know you were feeling me out, with your little complements. yeah, the phone call after you left was cute, and so was the call today asking me out for coffee. i love that you want to champion me in front of your art friends. that's sweet. really sweet. but i can't trust it. i know you played it off like you wanted to help a fellow artist out, but i know there was something more.

about a year ago, your p/t gf emailed me cos she wanted to have a threesome. she and i never met--but she told me you got a t-girl thing. yeah, i know she does too, but i know guys and threesomes. it's almost always about what the guy wants. 9 times out of 10, the woman wants attention by proxy, and that's why i don't do threesomes anymore. and i do not trust tranny chasers. not the boys atleast. i know enough from talking and emailing her that you like to have your fun. it's an open realtionship, i'm cool with that. hell, my last two were open. but still--you make me nervous-- you know how to work that artist charm. there were hints when we were talking. but i've seen it before. i know too many girls who are taken in by it. and i will be damned if i am gonna be a notch on your belt.

you're tempting, i know you're a flirt and we have all this in common, hell, and it might be fun. but i am starting to think sleeping with an artist is a lot like sleeping with the drummer in a band-- everybody's done it. no thanks. not me. besides, i still kinda got a crush on your gf....


dear me,
now is not the time to fall for someone. particularlly someone you know likes to play around. it's been a year, and you said you were going to stay out of a relationship for atleast 2 years. you haven't even been celebate for one week. things are just starting to click with you. there's too much at stake for you to fall for your addiction. no relationships. period. get your shit together first. this is your life. make good choices.

don't make me kick your ass.

Dear Report on the Impact of Welfare Cuts,

Why can you not finish writing yourself? Tell you what: I'll take tonight off and see if you've come up with anything in the morning.


Dear Self,

No, you cannot fill an entire report with "fuck you, you lying bastards, just wait till the next election" over and over again.

Your left brain

Dear Drummer Boy,

I am sorry I was so evasive. Though you were pretty good at leaping over my walls in the short time we connected, I still managed to hold the fortress. And now I have no idea where to find you.

I have to admit, there is something about you that keeps you on my mind. I walked away from our conversation feeling contemplative and uplifted...and intrigued. It's been years since any person captured my attention so strongly. I'd like the chance to at least discover what possibilities are there.

So. There are 89,898 other people in this town to sift through. How about it? Find me? Let me find you? Meet me halfway somewhere?

I'll even try laying down my armour when we get there.

I hope I will see you again soon.

The Woman Who's Way Too Old for You But Doesn't Even Care

Dear Goddess/Universe/Whatever,


dear beloved cousin,

with all this anxiety crap i'm going thru, if you are really serious about my coming down to visit you, i would actually *shudder cringe weep* get on a plane. by myself. and throw caution to the wind, family-wise. for you - and only you - i'd do this. but you gotta ask me again. because i don't think you really were serious. i know you love me, but i somehow suspect i'd be the last person you'd want to entertain on your winter holiday.

please take better care of yourself down there?
and please please come back? i'm trying not to be clingy, but ... i do need you. i can't lose you again.

loving you to the moon and back again,
cousin xoxo
Dear lurker from my pregnancy boards,
Why? Do we really have to go through this all again? I am having a hard time believing that someone just happened to join a month ago, right after I announced that I was pregnant, seems to be online quite regularly...and it always happens to be in my pregnancy threads, but has yet to post a damn thing. Please get a life!
If this is who I think it's time you move on...You won't find anything there that you want to read...I don't about you mean NOTHING to me. Now you are just being creepy.
dear boy
I guess i could go downstairs and find your email address and write you something, but a., it would have to be in italian, and b. it would make me sadder. I don't want the hassle of communicating, i just want you under the covers right next to me right now because just being there and holding me is enough to make me aware that you do know just about everything necessary.
I've been thinking superduper seriously about your two-year promise and i'm having serious doubts about betraying you in the event that it is possible here. I remember the last evening we had, when I embarrassed us both in front of your friend and the rest of the bar and I have serious regrets. I think about the day I didn't wake up for you when you traveled 40 minutes to get to my house to ease my lame ass backache. i think about how i threw tantrums and went psycho at least half a dozen times.

I think you love me. or if you don't anymore, you did when you told me you did.

I think I was too terrible to love you back when I had the chance. I love you now, and miss you terribly and feel that I don't deserve you.

oh fucking god. i don't know if I have the money to see you again. I am really scared that you were something important and I fucked it up.


Dear you,

We had this amazing kiss. It was electric and satisfying and made me wonder what you were like in bed. Would you explore every part of my body, like you explored my mouth and my soul that night at 3 in the morning. You offered me a ride home, and maybe i should have taken it, but I didn't trust myself to say no, so I declined. But you asked for my number. Doesn't that imply a call?
So I waited and eventually you texted me.... a text? really? But ok fine. I'll let that go, I texted you back, but I guess my response was too eager and prompt. I'm not used to these 30 year old games. I keep having the feeling that I'm in way over my head. 11 years difference didn't bother me when it was you we were talking about, but I don't know the rules, this waiting game you are playing.
So, texting over Xmas, far and few between. We're both busy; I get that. No biggie.
But then you call. And you do want to see me. And stupid stupid me, I get all flustered talking to you and sound like a ditz. But we have this 'date', this wonderful picnic idea and I'm was so excited. I really don't connect with people like this often. Not just the kiss, but the conversations. I say smart things around you, at least in person. Maybe it was the happy pills, who knows.
Then you call me tonight and cancel. More work, you say. I'll let that go too. When can I see you again, I say. What? you're going to thailand, eh? You'll get in touch with me when... February?! February! Right. Well ok, how about Never.
I'm am so tired. I had given up men, until you distacted me with your smell, taste, lips... But I don't have the energy to wonder anymore if you'll call. I don't have enough room in my life to give you time, only to be cancelled on.
But really, it's you that's missing out. I'm awesome. I may be young in years, but my soul is aged and this could have been beautiful. Maybe I'll see you at the next event, but by then I won't care.

dear filmmaker's employers,
Please let him off work early, or at least on time. I really really really want to have sex with him and this waiting is making me crazy.
dear m -

i like you. and just so you know, you scored bonus points when you came and walked me over. keep it up. like i told, you - the world we live in is very fast, and i'm not in any hurry. I'm not going anywhere.

dear hotmail and microsoft in general,
The only reason i made a stupid ass account was so i could talk to the boy on msn. And guess what? Your stupid password protection doesn't stop spam! And your thirty day limit for not checking email is BULLCRAP. I hope you swallow a dick and die. and when global warming kills us all, I hope bill gates gets eaten by diseased animals!

dear m -

come on baby... you can do it!

come to mama,
Dear Fella,

What you did still sucks and fucked up my ability to function in many ways when I needed to function the most. The stupid thing was that it was all so unnecessary. That will never change. So, while we take this time off, you to think, me to study... I want you to think about how very, very lucky you are that my beautiful awesome self is so benevolent and forgiving and I am even considering giving you some of my precious time in the near future. Seriously, ponder it.



p.s. My brother still wants to kick your ass.

Dear Self,


your biggest fan,


Dear World We Live In,


You suck.


Dear Brain,

Well, thank goddess you finally snapped back into place for this one last little hurrah.

Finish this report by Tuesday night. Or else.


Dear Anyone it Matters To,

I'm sorry this report will not turn out to be what was originally envisioned. But you know, I realized something really important today. This report, my dear Anyone Who Cares, will be my last and final "fuck you" to the bastard government that is pushing women and their families deeper into poverty. And I need to write it like that. Not necessarily with the "fuck you" parts. But there's gonna be some naming.

And the truth is, no one - probably not even Any One of You To Whom It Matters - will notice the difference between that and the report I was "supposed" to write, anyway.

dear antidepressants -

how the HELL, after I've been on you for 6 months, are you causing a reaction? it's really bumming me out, not least of all because I'm really scared I'm going to go back to that self-defeating place in my head and the pit of my stomach that you have helped remove. No, I don't want to go on a different brand of you. I've done loads of research and you were the only one I was willing to take. Its crazy, you've been out of my system for about 4 days now and I can't tell if the places my head is going are real, or just a product of my fear of going there. I guess that's that old key word - fear. I've been on you long enough to know that fear is just fear. That good old acronym - False Evidence Appearing Real. In my case, that is true. I know I can just walk through that, knowing now that it's not real. But you, my little antidepressant friends, make it so that I don't have to do the mind over matter thing. You make it so there is no question. It makes everything so much easier. I honestly just don't get why you're causing a reaction now. It's nuts.

stop it.
Dear Self,

I know you are scared of becoming involved with someone again. After him, it is hard to trust again. It is hard to give yourself to someone. It is time for you to let go of the current play thing, s, it is not a good thing for you to be in such a position. I know it is hard, I know that you care about him, slightly, but you know just as well as I do, that it is a bad idea. Granted it has been 7 and a half months, but you know that you absolutely aren't ready. The time is not right. You are happy, with little lulls of sadness, but are you honestly prepared to deal with someone else right now? Can you deal with someone else's shit? you cannot. You deserve better than him. Granted he is a nice guy, but, what the hell are you thinking? What is wrong in your brain? Why on earth would you ever EVER do that? Oh dear. I can't believe I liked him!?!? To hell with relationships and with men, why is it important, just realize that you and S, not cool, not working and ain't gonna happen. Mourn it, feel jealous, but, girl let it go, and when things are meant to happen they will. Don't you worry one bit about that, you didn't before, and you won't now. Feel good about yourself! Rememer that if someone wants to be with you, he has to work for it, make it hard for him. If he really wants to be with you, make him work HARD! Remember what D told you, remember? He's right. Remember that no one loves you, but you. You are wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, giving. You are you, never ever sell yourself short. Never settle for less. Give yourself all that you are entitled to, and that, girl, is everything.


your sassy, sexy little self and your brain, your best feature of all.

Dear C's friends weed,

Fuck, this shit is mother fucking crazy! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, you rock!

Culturehandy, GREAT letter. I'm not entirely sure what you're going through...but it sounds VERY familiar. It was inspiring to me and I thank you. It sounds like you're going to be just fine!!
rough night yes, but you know much better than to watch the national news.
it was like a train wreck.... you knew you needed to stop but just couldn't quite pull your eyes away.
and this is where it got you.
no, bc you are a mess now and even when C called you made her uncomfortable w/ your honesty over how you were feeling tonight, you who are always so Strong. carry it for them, and it makes them feel they are doing their part in this.
you'll get it together again, but work on the resentment issues w/ the mr ey, he's following his joy and you know that's an amazing thing to be privy to at all.
it's still ok to not always be strong and you Have re-claimed the bed, the oh so fluffy wonderful bed, but try to keep it to yourself better next time.
in solidarity,

or, I don't know, don't, bc if you do, it might make me worse and I'll cry on the phone which I know you hate bc it makes you feel bad and worry about me, when I am totally o k and when you worry about me I worry more about you bc you are distracted from your job and it's my fault.
I watched the news. that is what I wrote in my journal to you tonight. that is all I really needed to say bc I know you understand everything that line means.
but I also wrestled the rebates for frecklette's new computer finally, and helped her w/ homework and did computer picture stuff ( even if you hate it please lie and tell me my new hair makes me look younger/thinner or both please) and several things you would normally be doing yourself.
and then I cried into the new denim throw pillows on the new still being broken in sofa.

I miss you honey.


your mrs.

ex boyfriend/gold's gym

thankyou for being such a horrendous abusive jerk all those years ago, bc it lead me to where I am today, in the life I was meant to be living.
but going through the doors to the gym today I totally could have done w/out the icky flashbacks to having sex w/ the ex, I realise now he Smelled of the gym!
== thinking I need a clean air machine hooked up to purify my lungs ==

better, smarter and happier
dear life gods,
please stop messing with my family's emotions! Please don't let my parents split up or leave my sister behind or any of that nonsense! Please give my mom a fucking break! And let my dad realize that he is me except 70 plus years later and a dude. And therefore should deal with his depression accordingly, AS I DO.

dear death gods,
let my grandmothers die knowing that I loved them, with as little pain as possible. And keep my parents safe emotionally during the process.

dear sister,
please don't be scared of me. I love you so much! high school will be over soon!

dear my own life gods,
Give me a period, a healthy pap, and decent grades for last semester's booze-and-boys-fest that it was. By the way sorry for that.

dear h and d,
you two rock. Thanks for having my back and making me laugh and being super awesome in general.

dear dreams,
why are you so weird??

dear sleep schedule,
fucken sort yerself out!
I have to do actual work this semester!
I need to prepare to wake up before the sun goes down!

dear job gods,
I need money to travel to italy twice and india once. This is expensive! My life relationships are expensive! Aka give me a lame job at the thai place or the library or wherever that doesn't make me vomit and allows me spend the rest of time in studio.

dear letter thread,
I missed you!


Dear parent,

WTF is your hurry? Why the incessant decluttering? You have 2 big bedrooms and a shed but need to either send stuff to me or sell it, like, immediately? You can't wait a week for a decision?

Look, I'm old enough that this stuff shouldn't matter which is why I'm not bothering to talk to you about this. In the big picture I suppose it doesn't matter. But seriously, what is the rush? I wish you would try and understand what it is like for me, carting stuff around once every year or two, rinse and repeat over the last 10+ years. I chose it so it's okay, but it means I don't have a lot of sympathy for you and whatever 'clutter' you may have.

It's such a mixed message too. All wistful 'I still have your stuff'... Maybe it's better I have it back if it's such an issue.

I'm being a little unfair because I'm exasperated. Suffice it to say your life is settled, as it should be and as you've worked hard to make it so. Mine isn't yet though: again, my choice, and overall I feel very lucky. The result is less common ground than there could be, but hopefully this is temporary-ish.

I do love you. Me
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