Nov 10 2006, 11:04 AM
I'm just so glad I did things myself.
Thank you, god or someone like god, for the strength, intelligence, discipline and grace.
And it's mine, all mine.
Don't let them judge me and think I had less savvy and less ability when it is really less money.
I want to be with them. I will do so much stuff and really love doing it.
Be articulate and finish the resume puzzle, then go have fun and live up to the looks challenge.
Nov 10 2006, 05:09 PM
god, you don't know how nice it was to hear from you. it's been years. maybe a decade? but after i read your message that you actually looked for me, and most def have not forgotten about me... i needed that yesterday. it made me grin ear to ear for about 2 hours. i actually let out an audible "squeee!" in the parking lot, and the guy walking in heard me (i didn't care!)
i missed you; you were the only friend to come out of that shitty shitty hellhole from so long ago... i hope you are taking care of yourself, and i hope to see you eventually.
Nov 10 2006, 10:04 PM
ex best friend,
glad you read instead of deleting (and then reading) my email.
I feel better for having gotten the words off my heart and to your eyes and will move forward as I said, remembering the good and sweet and silly that we shared and let the rest go. for a while.. we really had the world by the throat taking no prisoners.
I don't expect you to write back, and please know that I really do wish you well.
peacefully, formerly known as ID
Nov 13 2006, 10:59 AM
ex best friend:
ok so we're exchanging emails.
I still don't trust you bc several things rang my bell as off right away and No way in Hell am I even telling my frecklette about this.
when you pulled the shit that you did, I wasn't the only one you hurt, but I'm sure in your pill/alchohol/mentally clouded state that never dawned on you.
if you don't write back again, that's o k.
communicating w/you like this after so long has demonstrated to me that I was Already ok.
yah I hurt some, but truthfully your apology means nothing bc I sense that there's still a lot screwy going on in your head and I remember only too well how easy it is for you to lie.
you talked about our aura's mixing, do not forget that I always could read you so well it made you uncomfortable, which probably motivated you to a small extent.
regardless, my guard is up and you are at miles of arms legnth where you should have remained from the beginning,
formerly known as ID
keep it together.
she's Got ISSUES.
And she's a BREEDER.
repeat that over & over any time you get tempted to do something dumb,,3 kids 3 kids 3 kids.
Nov 13 2006, 04:46 PM
=== sad Update====
the girl is moving.
frecklette came home this afternoon and announced it to the mr & I, this is her last week and she will be in her new home and new school by Monday.
she/they must be moving in w/ the dad's girlfriend bc I remember her saying she lived right behind a middle school of the same name she said she'd be changing to.
no, I'm not suprised, but it's a different county, even though it's just down the road, so I'm not sure what records will follow or connect as far as Social Services & the like, or what might be recorded in her permenent school records about all this.
I am deeply sad bc I feel she is really going to be Gone from us now, and aside from the brief minutes they see each other in school she & my frecklette won't even be allowed to say a real goodbye.
thankyou all so much for your words of support & encouragement, but I guess it's finally Over.
life just seems to unfair
fat fucker: you win.
I guess there is no other way but to acknowledge that.
you aren't worthy of a day w/ that daughter, let alone the rest of her life.
woman who will be watching and looking for excuses to go out to that area from this point on, formerly known as your girl's bff's mom
Nov 13 2006, 06:38 PM
Nov 13 2006, 06:49 PM
get motivated about something. motivated to slack does not count.
Nov 13 2006, 07:17 PM
freck--she will always remember you, even if she can't respond at this time.
and i thik the records go by state.
Nov 13 2006, 08:30 PM
I miss you so much. I'm excited to see you this week, but I'm already sad that it's not going to be a long visit. You are such a rockin' awesome person, and I hate that we don't live in the same city anymore and can't hang out on a moment's notice. Every time I sit in your chair, I think of you. I know you know that's not weird, and that's why I love you. I hope that we get our acts together and can go back to living in the same area code real soon. You're too good to just let slip through the cracks.
xo rg, the Ethel to your Lucy.
Nov 14 2006, 12:06 AM
Sorry I became whiney, bitchy, paranoid lady today, but closing at 11pm is too damn late especially when we have tons of replenishing to do. I live close, so I'm not nearly as affected as some of my coworkers but seriously getting home at 12:45 am is too late.
Also, I understand that your under alot of pressure but can you seriously stop being a dick. Of course Im going to get "touchy" when you make passive aggressive comments about me and then claim that your just joking. I know we have a friendly relationship at work and its hard to draw the line but some of the things you say can be rather hurtful.
This is motivation to work on your grad school application and to find some other job in the meantime. Dont let this job make you become someone you hate/cant respect, your so much better then that. Also, dont beat yourself up, whats done is done now you have to figure out how to improve it. In other words you need to put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
Nov 14 2006, 01:02 AM
Three weeks until you come back. Or is it two now? I am so excited. You have no idea how happy your myspace message made me the other day. I can't wait to see you again. Can't. Wait. I get giddy. I feel like I'm back in high school. I think about you all the time. I feel silly, I have to keep telling myself I don't know you as well as I feel like I do. We hung out a lot back in the day but we weren't insanely close. Since then some time has passed. A lot has happened in my life and probably yours too. I want to talk to you. I want to know what has happened since I last knew you. And before I knew you. I want to tell you about all the things that have happened in my life although I am afraid. I'm afraid that you still see the girl that you knew back in the day. The girl who was with the first love of her life then. The girl who hadn't been a stripper yet or a pin-up model. The girl who had never been to a rave but wanted to go to one. The girl who had never been to Comic-Con. The girl who hadn't moved out of her mom's house yet. I'm afraid that I will scare you. Overwhelm you.
Thank you for that night at the pub. I'm so glad I came out too! You have no idea. I adore your friends, it isn't often that you feel so completely at home and welcomed by a group of people. I'm looking forward to seeing more of all of them. I suspect I will be.
I can't wait to see you again and hear all about your trip. I want to talk for hours. Although, I suspect that talking may not be the first thing we do . . . ;-) I keep playing it in my mind, different scenarios, god I'm so nervous. Well, I would be if I wasn't so excited!
I think you are going to turn my world upside down. You already have.
By, the way, I will never, ever tell you how many times I have looked at your myspace profile in the past 2 months. Ever.
Nov 16 2006, 07:36 PM
how could you?
how could you take my beloved #8 off your combo menu?
that you would claim it to be UNPOPULAR?!?
you come here & say- that -to- my-face Mister, er, uh, MISS What-Ever.
I am bereaved w/ bereftment and fear I may no longer frequent your restauraunt w/ my patronage.....
sadly & regretably,
ps: you may be hearing from my people.
Nov 17 2006, 07:51 AM
You have got to get your shit together! You need to get a real damn job, quit drinking so much, lay off the ganj, stop lying, & move out ya mama's house. I am sick & fucking tired of you telling me how you're not partying so much & you're trying to work & save money. NOBODY is buying it. And if you keep going into work still half in the bag & reeking of liquor you're gonna get canned just like you did last time. I'm so bored of this shit with you. I was asleep last night when you texted me, I was asleep at 4:45 this morning when you texted me again all paranoid & strung the fuck out. I'll not stand for this much longer & I WILL cut you off at the goddamned knees.
Nov 17 2006, 09:52 AM
Dear right foot,
Why are you being annoying? It's been over a week. Aren't you healed up yet? I have places to go and things to do, but I can't do as many of them because you continue to annoy me! Cut it out already!
the rest of the body
Nov 17 2006, 10:53 AM
Okay, communication is at an end and I'm happy with that as you're not worth speaking to (and it is so pathetic that you manipulate your bitch of a boyfriend to fight your battles) but I need to vent a little.
If you are really under the impression that I'm that vindictive, did it ever enter your stupid, self-obsessed head that I wouldn't waste time over burning a piece of tacky tat? Revenge is sweet and I would have put far more thought and feeling into it than a random act of psychosis. You're the psycho, remember?
Stop with the malicious lies and being a sanctimonious cow and I won't stoop as low as to make your life a living hell and really hurt you where it matters and not some piece of trash costume jewellery that can be replaced.
You chose the wrong person to play with. To think that a long time ago, we used to be friends but I haven't thought of you lately at all. If ever again, a greeting I send to you, short and sweet to the soul is all I intend. Come on now, honey, bring it on, bring it on, yeah.
your ex (thank GOD) friend.
Nov 17 2006, 04:25 PM
Mom & Dad:
I understand why you are not coming for Thanksgiving after all.
money has always been tight and you want to have more for the holiday season and going to cousin m-e's is closer and easier, but it's not really ok.
I mean, I said I understand bc I do, but no.
dad's diagnosis and now finding out that his surgery date is so far off yet is freaking me out all over again bc I don't care What the Dr said, it could still be bad and not 'grow slow' and what if it's 100x's worse by feb?
I'm so scared I'm going to lose dad, and after so many years of living so far away it's just not o k.
and you don't know it but there is No Way I can possibly come home in Feb, just not a chance on earth, w/out pulling freck out of school, which academically she can't support the time away.
I'm at such a loss right now... M & T are both there close to you, and I'm feeling alone and left out and Needing My Dad 600 miles away.
I want to call you & ask you to reconsider, bc Christmas is going to be hectic and I am sure the other in-laws will want to come and harrass and I just want to spend time w/ MY DAD.
there is so much going on and will be going on going into Feb that this is really about the best time for you to come and I am falling apart on the mr every time we talk about this right now but I also don't want to worry you about worrying about me.
please listen to your heart that I know loves me?
Nov 17 2006, 09:07 PM
((freckle)) If you can and haven't yet, I hope you can tell that to your parents- it's important.
Nov 21 2006, 10:13 AM
polly, I did talk to them again and they are coming after all.
unfortunately they are also wanting to bring my nephews here as well now, which will change the Entire dynamic and is almost more upsetting to me than them not coming in the first place. ( see sinbin)
but hey- I got what I wanted right?
thankyou for the 'we both have crazi families' talk last night that led to the hysterical madness laugh about the irony of it all. I know I have been a super wired emotional mess sinse we got the news on dad, and you, for the most part, have remained steady at the helm in my stormy seas. I'm sorry I have been so needy lately and you are being so good to be there for me and please know what it means to me.
mom & dad:
do you really have to get the boys?
I am such a lowlife for not wanting them here but they are destructive and whiny and uber needy "to be Entertained" when they are at our house and not at all enjoyable to be around. I know you say they are different for you, but that has been our expereince and not a good one at that.
gah. I know what you'd say if I said this on the phone and you'd not be coming after all, so I won't but someday, sometime, I wish you'd stop & think of ME, and Just ME
for a change.
still looking forward to your arrival, youngest daughter
Nov 21 2006, 11:12 AM
((freckle))- I understand- we were looking forward to a quiet dinner with Le Boy's parents last week, and got there and they were watching his nephew for the evening. He's only 8 months old, so hasn't gotten to the destructive stage yet, but surprise children are always, well, a surprise.
Nov 21 2006, 09:56 PM
One of the joys of being so far away from you is being able to look at you from a distance, and realize, objectively, that no, it's not me, and yes, you are very much fucked up.
I am sick of hearing about the trivial setbacks to your days that you consider great disasters worth your hysterics. I simply don't get it. Heaters get fixed, hating your job sucks but you've got loads of options, the fact that your insurance hasn't kicked in yet is deeply annoying, but not disasterous.
Can you please think of what you have for a change? like health? and health benefits? a nice place to live? a healthy addition to your family? independence? friends?
You have what matters. Other things will come, but not if you're too busy drowining in martyrdorm to notice them. Please pull your heads out of your asses soon; dealing with you in your state is tiresome.
Nov 22 2006, 01:26 AM
Please don't have the beginnings of carpal tunnel. I will need you to finish my thesis...if I ever get to the point where I can actually start writing it.
Dear Sir that I'm sending the donation request letter to,
Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes. I will be happy and super grateful (and feel special), and the doggies will be happy and super
grateful too because all we need is some decent equipmment to walk them with. And then maybe the shelter people will give me the go-ahead to commence a way bigger fundraising project. *crosses fingers*
Nov 22 2006, 12:09 PM
mom & dad,
no, things haven't "changed" about getting the boys on the list for tomorrow.
stop asking please, which I know you will 5 more times anyway.
they Can't Change. it's just how it is.
true, we don't want them w/ us then, but honest to pete on my fur-kids lives it CANNOT BE SO NOW.
and really, the more freck & I discuss it, it's better this way for all parties.
I know you don't understand why, and I am hopeful that when the mr sits you down and explains things you'll understand better, bc his words should knock your socks off, but somehow I don't think they will.
I think you do and will still feel like this is me, pitching a fit, bc you think I think I'm not getting my own way.
believe it or not, some things are even Bigger than my Selfish Wants.
right now I am so questioning why I did throw such a fit to have you here.
it Always ends up being about Them, and yes I KNOW, they are my flesh and blood but I Also Know they are destructive and spoiled and disrespectful, something you chose never to see.
.. I am feeling the urge to be incredibly bitchy & deciding to not go to the place after all and instead just have a sit down dinner here after all, but doing so in a timely manner where it is too late to go and get them.
I only got a small turkey and enough for dinner for the 5 of us. the boys are like locusts and will literally eat any and everything that is not nailed down, to include scavengening through my cabinets and even then will ask for more as if they haven't eaten or been fed in weeks like I am deliberately starving them on purpose.
it's not just Bad Manner (which it is, a huge issue for me alone) it puts me in an untenable situation bc we Are Not Made Of Money. they are a Fortune to feed and take care of, something I had not counted on when we invited YOU.
why is it so hard for you to get that w/ Dad's cancer I just want to spend some quiet time alone w/ him and you ?
by all means go to them after we have some time, hell go to them Right After Dinner, but don't bring them here bc I am not in the place in my head and heart to be generous and kind.
I can't believe you are acting this way and turning it around to make it all MY Fault.
really, the hurt runs so deep that once Dad is over and hopefully better, you will pointedly have less contact w/ me bc I have been down this road too many times with you before to go thru it again.
hurt crushed and deeply sad,
Nov 22 2006, 04:11 PM
Good luck. I hope the best for you, you deserve it! I'll miss you, but I am glad you're moving on to better places and opportunities. Don't sell yourself short, you are great person. Best wish!!!
Nov 22 2006, 04:40 PM
(((freckle))) I so feel for you and I can see where you are coming from. What did occur to me though is that perhaps with your dad being ill he feels the need to see his grandsons? If you haven't already said so I would stress with them that it's fine for you to visit after dinner, that they can definitely see them but not for dinner where quality discussion would be lost.
please go away?
Nov 22 2006, 05:44 PM
fuck you. i give up. i have a headache from banging my head against a brick wall
Nov 25 2006, 06:03 PM
Dear AZ Guy,
Okay, this is what I was thinking last night:
What is going on here? The night before last you said you weren't turned on by me, now you want to do it? Now you are acting like you want to stay, like you rearranged everything a few nights ago? Why aren't you picking to one plan and sticking with it?
Or is that what you want me to move, so you don't come out as the bad guy?
Nov 28 2006, 10:15 AM
Don't you ever stand in my front yard flipping me off and saying "fuck you" to me in front of our child ever again! Next time you will not leave with her, and I will have the police escort you off the premesis! YOu will not bully me or intimidate me ever again, so stop trying. I am not your bitch so don't you be telling me to "come here" like some dog!
First off, when you come to my house to pick her up you need to get there on time! Not 15 minutes late every stinking day! Some of us have real jobs that we need to be on time for!
Second, do not come to my door talking on your cyborg ear piece to someone. I really don't give a damn if it is business or not, if you can't take 30 seconds out of your life to find out if I need to speak to you about minipixie, you certainly do not need to be watching her!
As for the clothes issue. Anyone with half a brain can figure out that since she looks like she's been rolled in mud everyday, she needs to be changed into something else for the afternoon and then you can change her back before I come to pick her up. Yes, I know that means more work for you..you will actually have to pay attention to her for the 5 minutes it takes to redress her. I never meant that I wanted you to put her in clothes of your to wear over to my house. Otherwise, I'll have to take you back to court to ask for more money to cover the cost of the ruined clothes.
I'm glad your schedule is changing and that it will make it necessary to put her in a Day Care Center. Thankfully, that means we shouldn't have to see each other very often anymore.
But I will be expecting you to pay your portion with the child support. And the bank would really appreciate it if you would start writing my last name on the checks. It's been 7 months, get over it. I've sent you my new last name in several emails. Speaking of which, I'm really tired of this, "I'm not going to respond to emails from you shit." If you can't communicate with me when we have a problem, we'll have to see the parenting coordinator, and eventually he may decide that joint custody won't work because you aren't willing to cooperate.
I have never asked you for anything, or to do anything, that is not my right under the divorce decree. I don't need an account of your personal life, but I will know where my child is at all times. That includes the address of your "weekend apartment".
Just start taking care of our child and doing what you are supposed to do and we won't have anymore problems. But this threatening me on my front lawn shit is not going to fly!
Nov 28 2006, 12:11 PM
Nov 28 2006, 01:11 PM
So you want to return my x-mas stuff, family photos and things that belonged to my mother? Wonderful! But that does not mean we need to talk or have any contact. There is no reason you can't give those things to one of the friends you gave the message to. Perhaps you really are sober now and are trying to make ammends? Thats great for you. Glad to hear your are on probation, but I am afraid whatever punishment you've received is probably not quite enough for my liking. But that is because there is far too much water under that bridge. Bad mouthing me, you and your mother, is just plain low. Placing the blame of what you did on me is just plain pathetic. But, what did I really expect from such emotionally retarded, mentally unstable people such as you and your mother? Yeah. I hear your wedding was postponed for a "variety of reasons" and that you were awfully quick to change the subject. Cat got your tongue? Could it be things are not so perfectly blissful after all? You cannot just go around treating people like garbage, lying, cheating, stealing, abusing, placing the blame on others and get away with it forever. I warned you that Karma was going to catch up with you, but you were so smug. You and your family are reaping what you've sown. None of you will ever know true love or happiness because you are quite simply incapable of it. You see Karma's a righteous bitch and she just happens to be a good friend. I am a far happier person now that I do not have you or any of your drama attached to my life. I never realized how much of my soul was being sucked out just from knowing you and your family. It was utterly exhausting dealing with you and your "issues". My life is finally balanced itself out and I've stopped bracing myself for the next onslaught of high drama. I realize I am not depressed, I can handle things and it's not all in my head. So if you would like to return my things, then please release them to my friends or even to my cousin. He will gladly drive up there to pick my things up from you. Or if you are not comfortable with that, he can pick them up from your mother or whoever. But there is no need for us to have to be in contact. Ever. And newsflash pal: telling my friend you know my address and reciting it doesn't mean shit. First off it's wrong, I've moved. You mentioned sending me a letter, well go ahead. I do not understand why you needed to prove you knew my address. Was that meant to intimidate me? Bring it on. I dare you.
Nov 28 2006, 01:58 PM
prod proddity prod prod. go on, object. i want you to object. i wouldn't tell you otherwise.
i think i shall go mad
Nov 29 2006, 03:01 AM
Ok Goddess and Universe, and all the forces out there that let and make things be. ...
This is my request, please send this package my way. Planned and wrapped perfectly. Everything about it would be more than perfect for me and the babes... It would be so good for me and my twins. I haven't asked for much all year, but just this one time, right before 2006 closes out, please let this happen for us...It would so make 2006 worth all the trials.
Please, please, please...Be for *ME*.
I heard that Bustie vibes are magical and really work...Can you guys please send some for me???
Ain't No Feeling Like Being Free,
Nov 30 2006, 02:15 PM
~*~*~beloved free_spirit! best magic packages!~*~*~
and Mornington! Make the Welshman fish or cut bait? Shit or get off the pot?
Nov 30 2006, 08:43 PM
Still no word yet though...Ill let you know what it is if it happens!
Dec 1 2006, 02:56 AM
You can skip over this, i am so tempted to email this, I had to put it here to get it off my chest.
i dont want to email it because i dont even want him to have the satisfaction of knowing that i thought about this issue this hard and took the time (5 minutes) to type all this out.
i try to keep these feelings to myself and keep the peace and keep it moving. but the nonchalance that you showed towards my kids is just too much.
i want you to be apart of my kids life. to be active and aware of what they are going through, how they feel, and just to love them. to also get them and give me the break that i as a mother deserve. but right now we are no where near any of this. its ground zero. i dont even know where to start. an apology would be a good place.
somehow i see myself holding up my end of the deal as a business transaction. very technical and very precise.
i forsee court establishing visitation for you. at this point i am unwilling to cooperate with you. just as you have not cooperated with me these past 9 months. i think summer and every other holiday (never christmas) would be good for you to visit with them. if you want that senario, it can be, if not, it will be done through the courts.
i want everything in writing and i want nothing to deviate from the plan unless its for my personal benefit or my childrens. i feel we earned that much.
i would love to see my son have his birth father be active in his life, that would mean a lot to me personally. however, not at his expense, you just dont mean that much anymore. if you can not show consistence, consideration, and SINCERE effort then it would be better for you to not waste your time because i wont let you be back and forth in their lives. you will either be in or out. you dont have the option to sway back and forth.
not even to be making comparisons but you know you would never have done T and A this way. how could you even ignore these kids the way you have.
they are INNOCENT and did not ask for any of this.
you have shown utter irresponsibility and irrational-ness.
i understand you not wanting to have anything to do with me, do "get your shit together" thats fine, but your kids still need and require the same support you gave then- now. that part has nothing to do with me.
in my heart i really feel that you abandoned them. i never could have imagined. esp your first born son. that hurts alot.
esp. when i look at my son and see how he is comig along. its heart breaking to think that i can not do and be all that he needs because there are some things i just can not be to him (male role model). even though i try my best to understand and get through every situation with him.
i wanted to snap on you so bad when i was trying to tell you what was going on with him and you said where is my brother, and "i dont know what to tell you"
its like, it is no ones responsibility about P but mine and yours. i looked at the screen like the nerve of this dude. WTF...
you are his birth father.
he has male role models and postive men in his life, but none who is filling the role consistenly that is yours.
i am not opposed to alternative options, but i would perfer his blood father be his main male role model....assuming that you get yourself to a position that is presentable and respectable...basically teach him only the positive lessons that you have learned from all of your mistakes.
P is pretty much ok....
they are getting older, they ask for da da. i just get sad because right now the real father is not there....not that i personally want you in the picture. i can honestly say i want this for them because they should have it. and if they ever get to the point that they dont want you around i wont force them to be active with you.
you seem to not acknowledge it nor apologize for it. you seem to think that you can just waltz back in their life when you get ready to. but this is not a game, and i wont stand to see you try to treat them that way.
i probably could have forgave you a thousands times over for all of the shitty things that i felt you have done to me.
but to misue and mistreat my children is not the same, and will take more than you just attempting to show a meager effort of interest in them to let bygones be bygones.
i know once you have to pay for them by law that you will miraculously want to be involved again, i will face that when it comes. so if you want to keep quiet with them until thats done that is perfectly fine....its not like they are losing out at this point, they are quite accustomed to it now thank you very much.
for you to ignore them on their birthday, no call, no gift, no email, nothing that is just wrong....not to mention PETTY....(if you are or arent still overseas you still know how to reach them)
i havent asked you for anything for them for like 7 months straight. now you are so nonchalant like i will send something when i get a chance...which just comes off as inconsiderate and uncaring or concerned about them.
if you are having money problems just say that.
obviously something there is not quite right with you.
in my heart i believe you lost your job (gym thing) or found work back in the states (not making 90k + anymore ). but i know, because i sort of know you.
didnt see the thing about you neglecting my kids coming, but we learn as we go.
instead of you trying to work with the situation and be mature you want to keep it to yourself. and thats fine. but i just ask of you to have some COMPASSION for my kids, because they are worth it and they deserve it.
i could keep going on as you know...
but for now i will end this note.
i just want you to know that i feel that you owe me an apology as your kids mother and also owe them as their father.
not that you will probably mean it, but just for the record.
RIGHT IS RIGHT AND WRONG IS WRONG.
but any way,
i could not resist...well thats a lie, i could have, as i have these past months, but right now i just want you to know.
this is so not about me right now, its 100% about my son and my daughter. so maybe some of this will actually resonate with you and you can own up to and accept you position in this situation.
Dec 1 2006, 09:58 PM
Thanks for putting up with my mood swings and attempts to push you away when I just want to hurt myself. You are so special and mean so much to me. I'd so have your baby if it were appropriate to offer. I like you and think you are the best shrink ever.
I really love how you love me, but I don't know how to love you back. Love is odd to me and I would just rather fuck.
Dec 2 2006, 12:55 AM
((princess dander)) where have you been?!?!
Dec 2 2006, 10:19 AM
you are a worthless wussy shadow of a being. you cannot make anyone happy, ever. EVER. it doesn't matter what you do, or what you WANT to do, because you are incapable of loving or ever being loved. you are a self-serving, egotistical, selfish BITCH. you should just forget about even trying. you will FAIL. it is inevitable.
your sister the penwee HATES you. you hurt her. you may try to justify it to yourself that you were swamped, that there were other, more in your face claims on your time, but the truth is just that you are narcissistic. you reinvent the truth to suit yourself and make you come out the one with truth on her side. you do not even begin to know what the truth IS. you cannot handle the truth. your sister hates you, and with good reason.
you do not deserve anything but hate. except, perhaps, for pity. because you try to pretend that you aren't wretched, self-centered and as loathesome as a cockroach. it is really too bad that you are NOT a cockroach, then you would at least be telling the truth about yourself and perhaps someone would pull you into reality and let you see yourself as you really are -- just before they trod on you with their boots and twisted you into nothing. that is what you deserve.
elle hates you, too. you were a fool to ever believe otherwise. you cannot keep promises. you cannot give anyone what they need, all you care about is yourself. thankfully god knew this, even if you pretended not to. otherwise you might have had children of your own to fuck up. to ruin. to hurt. which is what you would have done to them. mr. tes number one knew what he was saying when he told you that you would be a TERRIBLE mother. you would have been. you would have lost your temper, and beaten them. and railed at them. and told they how stupid and ignorant they were, because you were afraid that they might find out that YOU were all of these things, first.
all of this bullshit about trying to help other people is just your wretched soul attempting to redeem itself before you have the grace to DIE and leave all of the people that know you in peace. you think you can help people? what a laughable concept. you are so stuck on yourself that you cannot even see what those around you need in order to help them. you are a soul-sucker. you feed on the misery of others. you are bound to produce it yourself in order to exist.
you are lower than the lowest rung on the limbo stick. no one can reach beneath you, because there is nothing lower. why even try to pretend any longer? let yourself die.
not that you deserve to die. it hurts more to live, so you should just have to keep living with yourself, knowing inside your head and your heart that you are scum. that you should have died in utero. then you might have had a chance at redemption. now you can never be free of the taint that is you. dark, black, evil. fucked.
how could you EVER have thought otherwise? stupid cunt.
Dec 2 2006, 10:43 AM
Dec 2 2006, 01:05 PM
Dear Tes's superego,
You fucking fucktard. How dare you invade such a sweet, loving wonderful person and place such detrimental and bogus thoughts in her head? Do you know all of the wonderful things that she has done? Not just for me, not just for other busties, not just for those who have had the good fortune to know her in the real life, but for all the world? I don't care what has happened, if something has not gone the way she has expected it to, or the way she had planned. Tes is the most caring, loved filled person that I could ever hope to ever have contact with in any form.
Did you know that everytime I get so depressed that I think about hurting myself I think of her sweet voice and imagine that she is my mother. That has gotten me through some rough times. Do you know how many people worship every word she writes? Do you know how her words, thoughts and concerns for others has made this world a more loveable place so that people like me who didn't know that there was such a loveable place could make it through another day? You are the one that needs to go, not Tes. If you ever come back to hurt her you will have to answer to me and I am not someone you really want to fuck with.
Everything I just wrote to fend off the bad thoughts is the truth. You have made this world a better place for me to want to be and I am very sad that you feel such horrible things right now. I'd love to talk to you soon. Please know that until we do that you are in my thoughts and that I love you.
Dec 2 2006, 07:35 PM
I miss you. I wish you would tell me how I had hurt you, so that I could never do it again. I think of you a lot and it makes me want to cry. I miss you.
Dec 3 2006, 02:48 AM
dear m -
I'm not certain how to take your form of communication. I think it's communication? I'm certainly intrigued, but hell, man - it's been almost a month... you could certainly engage just a teeny bit more.
dear boy -
what? where are you? call me. i miss you.
Dec 3 2006, 05:57 PM
I cannot believe you. You're in Vegas. It's not typical of me to be self righteous, but in god-freaking-vegas? And you talk about being a Christian and how you don't think Mom can travel anymore so screw it and you're going to have christmas in Montana while Mom sits home alone in Minnesota?
I can't stand you. I mean, really, if you gave a rats ass about Mom you'd be making arrangements to come to Minnesota, then.
You do realize it might be her LAST christmas, don't you? Seriously, of three kids, when you're really down and out and sickly and almost at the end of your life, wouldn't you think more than ONE of your kids would come home? Or even make arrangements for you to even HAVE a holiday?
So much for "family values" republicans, eh? Seems like the "godless" democrat's doing more for Mom this season.
Dec 4 2006, 10:59 AM
You suck. You suck so hard NASA should study the effects of your suckiness. Saying that you wish that you had an illness so that you might lose weight in front of someone who had an illness who had lost weight from it was one of the most tackiest things I have ever had the displeasure of hearing in my whole life and I grew up with a really fucking tacky grandmother who would say fucked up shit to people. And what you said on that day was really fucking up there on the tack-O-meter. This and your many other tacky attributes is why I don't talk to you anymore. That and you depress and get down everyone around you with your self obsessed narcissistic neuroticism. I feel bad for you because as you put it once "All my friends have fucked me over." I tried not to be one of those friends and I can see how you can feel fucked over when no one wants to be around you, I tried but I can't be around. Especially even more so when you couldn't be a friend to me when I needed a friend. That you backstab and have I mentioned that you are tacky?
Dec 4 2006, 12:11 PM
I'm glad that if I had to be snowed in and unable to come up with anythign productive, I at least got to spend lots of time with you! Hope you weren't offended that I was so eager to go to work this morning, but being cooped up for 4 days was driving me crazy!
Dec 4 2006, 01:09 PM
What princessdander said. Go fuck yourself and leave my lovely Tes alone. You've been all over the internets, hijacking a lovely woman and being a shit. Have some freaking compassion, all right?
Thanks for the dress! I forgot how much one evening of haing people saying you're hot can help one's mood. It ws totally worth the fact that I'll have to eat beans and rice till the end of January...
I'm sorry I can be such a brat to live with. You really get on my nerves sometimes but it's certainly not your fault.
Dec 6 2006, 04:44 AM
Dear m -
you are a weenie. don't wuss out, pony up and be a man. ..ask me out, you f**ker!!
Dear boy -
I'm so glad you called last night.
Dec 6 2006, 03:09 PM
Yeah you, you know who you are! I am sick of you so I'm here to tell you to fuck off! That's about it. Just leave me alone, don't talk to me, don't even fucking look at me, I hate you and I can't stand you!
You are a fucking lousy excuse for a "teacher". You are fucking ridiculous and I can only hope that one day you pull that giant splintery stick out of your ass. Until then, I can't fucking wait to get out of here. Oh, and quit fucking around with the dates! You've had them set for months, don't go fucking changing them!!
Dec 7 2006, 05:05 PM
i'm sorry. you tried. i wish you could have known how much it mattered.
i wish more people were more like you.
Dec 7 2006, 05:19 PM
Dear Private Dick,
We will find out who you are you piece of shit. You must know damm well that she wasn't gonna give your ass any info. Try and come find me I dare you. The mister will fuck you so hard your head will spin. He did it. No amount of snooping is going to change that. He is paying the price for all of the life he took and the lives he destroyed. You have a lot of nerve squeezing money out of this delusional family.fuck off and die
He did it. He signed a confession, his fingerprints were on the package and now he is serving his time for the crimes that he commited. He was convicted. You mortaged your house to pay for the lawyer the first time so all this bullshit about him not getting good representation is just that, bullshit. Get a grip on reality and face the fucking facts. Stop wasting your money. It is a losing battle. Accept the fact that he is sick and twisted. HE DID IT!
I forget sometimes how strong you are for making it through all this. It is something that we can never escape. It will always be there. We can face it together. I love you
Dec 10 2006, 04:16 AM
you don't always have to be the Alpha Female.
I know it's disconcerting and disorienting to you to not automatically be given that place in the new group, and indeed might well be that Alpha Vibe you are giving off that is putting off that One Woman you don't get the warm fuzzies from (or should I say, her especiallly, as compared w. the other women who are kinder, but still pretty much ignoring you- YOU!) but take the mr's words to heart.
for a change now, be in the crowd. for the first time in a LONG time, you don't have anyone needing you, or be honest- irritating and dragging at you.
you have the opportunity to sit back and let somone else do the big work and you can do just want you want, easy come, easy go. think hard and focus to realise that this is a Good Thing!
but, what happens to Alpha's when we are no longer needed?
grow up enough to see that They aren't going to "suddenly come to their senses and bow down to kiss your ass" sweetie- Hello- Reality Check- Party of ONE!
seems like you can either boycott the group completely, which only bothers YOU and upsets frecklette bc she's starting to make friends there and won't even be a blip on Their radar at all, -OR- you can stay in the shadows awhile, surveying the scene, contributing here and there and learning to freaking Relax a little.
it's not a crime, really.
re-read this as needed please,
your house is really empty & I think the owners came thru today to give it a deep cleaning, to get it ready for the next occupants.
every-time-I-drive-past-there my heart hurts still.
I wonder if you're ok. if you're sharing a room w/ _ now and if she's treating you ok (bc you are invading Her space & that's no small thing at 13) and if A is treating you good stil, bc really, she does seem not so bad aside from a lapse in judgment here & there and did seem to show a real concern for you.
I wonder if you're doing ok in your new school, 3rd week into it and are starting to make friends, again.
I wonder if you know how crazi much you impacted our lives, all for the good honey, and how as I shop for frecklette for Christmas I cannot help but wish I were able to shop for you at the same time. I wish I could sneak a present over to your new place (which I am afraid to even search for, least I do actually find it and the temptation becomes too great) to let you know we still care. and I know Just what I'd give you, a super cool book bag for you to use for your library books, something I promised you I'd give you, next time I got a spare.
dang but I was getting used to having "2 girls" instead of my 1 and you know as much as sometimes, before I really understood what was going on, I got aggravated in the beginning at how much you were at our house and now I'm so Sorry for not relishing every single minute you were with us.
my sweet girl, whatever your dad has told you, whatever he wants you to think about me and us, I pray that deep in your heart you know and never ever forget that we Genuinely LOVE YOU and will be here for a long time to come if you were to need us. and that most especially, it's ok to reach out and care about people, even when there is the the risk of losing them. sharing the best parts of who you are with someone can never be a bad thing if the person accepts and respects you.
.... so much more I want to say to you.. that I wish I Had said to you.. but all this is only in my heart anyway.
missing you always but maybe more with Christmas coming up,