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freckle-you are aMAZing. truly. this little girl is sooo lucky to have you in her life, seriously. even if she stays with her dad, at least there is one adult in her life that truly cares, that listens to her, that advocates for her, that knows how much pain she's in. this is HUGE!
sweet story wombat but, the way I see it, freckle is the star.

thankyou so much. and you're right, even helping 1 or 2 can make the difference. it's still just really heavy, bc each time this girl has dealt w/ "the authorities" they always come down against her, telling her she needs to appreciate what she's got (bruises, no food, being left alone) and she needs to be better for her dad. even yesterday, my frustration came in realising that the dss home visit came a day After their rental inspection, bc I know they spent the whole weekend cleaning up for it. the dss worker didn't see how bad the house normally is (I didn't want to sit on any of the furniture last time, and that was just in the living room) which to me still isn't then an accurate evaluation. but whatever, right? lucky break for them / let the small stuff go?

the girlfriend called me yesterday.
scared the holy Shit out of me to see her name on the caller id. I thought ' here we go!' and answered very timidly w/ the phone held far out from my ear expecting her to yell and scream and threaten.
instead- she was cool. nice even. she called and identified herself, and then let me know that she was off work and could pick _ up from her after school club and then would take her back to her house to spend the night and I didn't need to pick her up as had been planned, not a hint of ugly in her voice that I could detect. I was so in shock that she was so nice.. I didn't really know what to say.. there are things I'd Like to say to her, discuss with her, things probably that Should Be talked about together, but I was afraid to break the bubble.

so maybe the girl is right and her dad really isn't mad? that the girlfriend's phone call was a way of breaching peace with me and that they are hopefully maybe still willing to let me/us be a part of her life?
altho, my frecklette did tell me when she got home from school yesterday that _ is grounded from the phone and everything else, which of course I don't think is fair of him, but maybe it's just the principal of the situation, so he can keep face?

thankyou all So Much again, ( I say that a lot and never can convey how much I mean it) for supporting me through this, and reinforcing to me that I wasn't crazi or wrong to do and feel as I did. I lurve you all mucho mucho !

my heart is so going out to you right now sweetie. pm me if you need more hugs,
Dear Family,
I'm sick and tired of getting the message from you that I don't have a right to feel what I feel, that what I feel is silly, or unwarrented, or just wrong, because it makes you uncomfortable or whatever.

You refuse to see that you do this, but you do.

I'm 40 years old and I hate that i"m in this situation. I should be happy now. I'm finally back in my home town, I have a wonderful partner I loved, and I'm expecting a baby--one we desperately wanted and thought we'd never have--and everything is just still so hard.

Frankly, if you'd have been more supportive of me keeping my house I wouldn't be in this situation. But I am, and housing prices have practically doubled since I moved and there is no way we can afford a house now. Even making ends meet renting would be hard at the moment b/c I'm not working (and with a new baby on the way any day that isn't something I can do much to change at the moment.)

I know I need to remember to look to myself for validation and not to expect of you what you can't give. It's important that I remember that. But it doesn't mean that it isn't hard and painful and hurtful to keep coming up against this crap again and again.

I'm fine the way I am. I'm as sensitive as I need to be. In fact, it's a quality I'm really fucking proud of. I'm good at what I do (if I'll ever be able to do it) and one of the main reasons is because I'm so damn sensitive and attuned to subtleties.

I hate feeling trapped.

I'm fine the way I am. Better than fine. I'm terrific.


Dear M,
I love you. I really really love you and I feel like I don't tell you or communicate it to you enough.

Thank you for being supportive, for being understanding, and never making me feel like I need to justify how I feel. And for making such a big fucking change in your life because I needed it.

I love you more than I can ever say.


(No, I"m not writing to myself. We have the same first initial.)
Dear World,
It's smee again, goan and fuck yerself.
Dear B,

Why are you such a miserable person? You are rude to everybody and wonder why it seems like your company if running into the ground. You're so nice at first, and then you just treat people like crap. Take a look in the mirror, and learn that respect and courtesy will make your employees work hard.


(((((((((pixiedust))))))))) Best wishes, lady.
huge learning today.
know better, do better.
now you know.

still kinda cool tho ey? you're a Dork! laugh.gif


you don't even know how much you taught me today tho you think you do.
I'm a better person from this point on, and I really look forward to getting to know you better.


please be kind.
I bought crap food & water to bribe you with.
please don't turn on me and don't be too obnoxiously loud when I am driving bc that may be the scariest ride you experience all weekend.
let's work together yah yah yah.

Mrs X.
Dear Boy -

what can I say? I wrote a really long thing last night in my journal about how at the end, I think that I broke up with you not because of your actions, but because you weren't moving forward on MY time schedule. It's so easy to look at someone as the sum of their issues, and I think - no, I'm quite sure - that's where I was. It's so easy to dehumanize someone and walk away when you let yourself look at them as the sum of their issues.

But you are a living, breathing, wonderful, tenacious, energetic, loving, person. Yes, with issues. We all have issues. But I don't think that the issues were really why I walked away. I was impatient, and I now see that that was a big part of it. That doesn't change anything, and it makes me feel pretty crappy. Now you have moved forward to do most of those things. And the other stuff, you're moving towards. You are a person who loved me. Who I loved. Who I realize in the last year that I still love. Very deeply.

Has damage been done that cannot be undone? I don't know. I do know nothing in this world is impossible if there is love. Is there love on your side? I dont' doubt it. But is there love and the desire to go there? I haven't heard from you. I hope I do.

I think that there is so much love there. We both risk in this. Not just you. Not just me. Why not try?

I love you.
DAMN, DAMN, DAMN, DAMN....I shouldn't have to do this! *shaking fists* Words fail how about a one finger salute! #$%@%%!$!@!*
((zoya)) ((pixie))

Busties: Thank you all for the kind words the last couple of weeks. I'm so glad to be back!

Dear parents, although I appreciate the support that you showed during this whole seizure thing, I really don't like the judgement that I got during this past week. I will not lose my job, my apartment, or my boyfriend. So, quit thinking I will lose everything, and have a little faith. And, quit drinking so damn much. Jeebus! Thank God we all live in different states.

Job: Please be cool next week. I'm really anxious. Please just forget about the last three weeks. Can we start over? I will try to be the person that you hired, as long as you don't bring up the seizures or give me those "pity her" looks.

Dear face, quit breaking out. I thought zits were over by now! Damn PMS.

McGeek, I know that you're still married. You had enough balls to tell me this on the way home from the airport the other night. I'm not her. I know the divorce will be final in Dec. I want you to know that the world will go on with or without you though. I still intend to flirt. smile.gif I know that sounded harsh....

Dear Rob, you rock. Thanks for being the best therapist in the world.

Alec Baldwin, you make me laugh. I dig you.


dear me,

no, don't do that to yourself. be gentle with yourself. it is late, and you are up thinking about ___. i know how much you cried over ___, i know how much you double-guessed yourself, how much you wondered, how you blamed yourself. i want you to know that you did the best you could, given where you were in your own life. given your heart, your warmth, your listening.

___ was there, iridescent, seemed to own the city. for a while, driving into it felt like you were driving down ___'s streets, breathing in ___'s air. but, like the tori amos song, "i know he isn't you."

you had never encountered someone like ___ before. ___'s spirit was new to you, ____'s hands, the way ___ moved. i still love ____. i will always love the people whom, while in a relationship with them, i sincerely loved. it doesn't just go away.

alice walker wrote, "old shit just kept hanging and hanging." i want a space, somewhere free of regret, remorse, resentment, anger, blame, where both people are raw, stripped down, unencumbered, honest, where talking can happen. and then, as though from a dream, awaken, and feel lighter, unburdened, clear.

"all my lovers were there with me/
all my pasts and futures/
and we all went to heaven in a little rowboat/
there was nothing to fear/
and nothing to doubt"

i met with ___ for dinner, only a little after a month since we broke up. i couldn't pretend to "be friends" and "have fun" because i still needed to heal, still needed time to process what had happened with us. ___mentioned the dying plant, and i said, "water it." i remembered ___'s middle finger resting on ___ cheek, how it was aimed at me. let me be free of sarcasm, cynicism, and dour humor, blocking me from sincerity. i wanted everything to be above-board, up front. ___ looked so sad, seemed to be crying when __ was laughing. that was the last time i saw ___. it took me two days to feel what i'd felt that night at dinner, and when i did feel, i wept.

___ told me ___ resented me for not being able to understand what it's like to have an addiction. but, as my friend said, "you don't have to have an addiction to know what it's like, or to be understanding." even when i broke up with ___ once, we got back together.

this letter came out better the first time, dear self, but it was deleted. we are always writing for multiple audiences, it seems.

and i want to rest now.


* * *

dear ___,

i still think about you. and i read something i want to share with you. i know you have always been trying to fully live, i know you are always free. that's what i love about you.

*** *** ***[EXCERPT, QUOTED]
"Dear Clean,

Like you, I think there would be more happiness and less misery in our
little part of the world if fewer teens took drugs. But I suggest that you
simply tell your own truth: how you feel about the drug use you have
observed, and why you yourself do not do it.

As far as policy goes, I agree with the goals of the Drug Policy Alliance,
with one caveat: When I was a teenage drug abuser, if I remember
correctly, well-meaning people did offer me useful information about the
drugs I might or might not be taking. I nodded and looked concerned. I
made them tea and said, "Would you like to sit on the couch?" But if I was
going to not take drugs, there needed to be either A) no drugs around or
cool.gif big dogs and men with sticks between me and the drugs.

If I had known you at the time, a hip, intelligent young person who did
not use drugs, I would have admired you and would have wondered how you
could be so cool and yet not do drugs. Maybe I would have thought it was a
little sad that you didn't get off like the rest of us. Or maybe I would
have thought it was great. It's hard to tell. But I doubt that it would
have stopped me. I was too desperately unhappy and too cunning and
insincere, too guarded, too aloof, too afraid and too afraid to show that
I was afraid.

I was meeting my needs the only way I knew how.

How was a guy like me going to use practical pharmacological data to make
balanced decisions about which drugs to take? My main goal was to get so
high I couldn't see my shoes.

And therein lies my concern about the realistic, common-sense approach: It
seems to assume that the adolescent drug user is a rational actor who can
weigh risks and benefits.

I frankly don't know what anyone could have done to help a kid like me. My
problem was not a lack of pharmacological data. It was the problem of how
to be a human being, how to live in society, how to experience God, how to
grow up and be a man. If somebody had offered me answers to those
questions, I might have listened. In other circumstances there might have
been a wise elder, healer, philosopher, warrior, priest or some such to
help me express and channel those needs. No such luck. Not in that world.

My drug use may have been misguided, but it had at its heart the most
noble of desires: the desire to know the universe, to be at peace in the
world, to liberate the better self, the true self, to allow what is good
in the self to shine, and to know mysteries firsthand, to experience the
inexpressible beauty, harmony and complexity of consciousness.

I understand your dilemma: When you say you're against drug use, you seem
to say you are against certain noble strains of the questing American
spirit -- Beats and hippies and transcendentalists and Expressionists and
all that.

So I suggest two things: 1) Tell your own truth about drugs. But more
important, 2) work to build a culture that meets the needs that people
take drugs to meet.

People take drugs to meet legitimate needs: initiation, profound
experience, encounter with death, exploration of consciousness,
exploration of personal limits physically and emotionally, a certain
derangement of the senses, to feel more deeply, to taste the edge of

Our problem is that we do not know how to collectively actualize the
mystery of the universe so that our children can be ushered into adulthood
confident that they belong. We need rituals that create vivid experiences
of reality, vivid enough to make the drug experience pale by comparison.
We need to live in a way that makes drugs irrelevant.

We don't know how to live that way. We don't know how to live vividly enough.

That is what I would pray for: that we learn how to live."
*** *** ***
dear self,

i'm so proud of you for sticking to your guns and focusing on school. It took alot of guts to do this and the payout will be huge upon completion...oh i dread/hate that word. such finality, such fear and loathing. but joy and happiness will be the end result. and a future to boot. hold on.

As for ___, things work out on there own. take care of yourself and all the pieces shall fall in place.

As for all the other _____, forget them and focus on you. cuz you are the best thing ever. and don't you forget it.

much love and kisses

btw-you are looking great! did you lose weight or something? laugh.gif
Dear "Tim,"

Remember when you told me you were in love with me, and I told you, "Not only no, but never"?

I do. So you can take your snide potshots, and shove them up your pathetic, sycophantic, hypocritical, mewling ass. Dealing with you is like stepping in dogshit. Also, your "friends" hate you, and your writing sucks.


Dear Me,

Thank you for not telling your job to fuck off. I still can't believe they don't believe me. Asshats. Will definately be looking for another job just in case. Anyways, I'm very proud of you.

Job, quit being such fucktards. I mean, you know I have a seizure disorder, you now have a doctor's note stating that. Get off my ass, and let me get back to work damnit. Dan, you're a pussy. Please refocus on going back to school for IT certification as well in the next year. That way you can quit this piece of shit job, and move out west. Keep your goals in mind. smile.gif

McGeek, I think I'm falling for you. This is scaring the shit out of me. Please let's not fight about money anymore, and I hope the puppy is okay. Also, I think the sex is getting back to normal. I plan on going down on you more often. Heh. I just think that we both need to get back into a sexual groove. So great that I'm finally meeting you friends for the holidays. I'm just worried that I may be the transitional girl that is helping you thru your messy divorce. I feel like shit for saying those three words a few weeks ago. So, I'm blaming it on those drugs. Yet, actions do speak louder than words. And letting me spend the weekend without my bitchy landlord meant a lot.

Mandy, quit being a bitch. I know you're jeolous of McGeek. Don't lecture me about money, when you just had to pay your boyfriend's rent. You don't even have a job! I don't want to get in the middle of it, although sometime tells me I already have.

Lewis Black, you're amazing.

Dear Apartment Gods, please send me a nice place to live near a train station, a grocery store, and accepts pets maybe? I'd love to be near Little Five points or Atlantic Station. I'm willing to even pay more money. I also need a place with central a/c and heat. And, I just am really wanting a place of my own. smile.gif


So. This is how things are going to end, eh? Me, pathetically clinging, you, surly and distant. Why do I even bother getting excited? Why did I trust you? Why did I think that this time- that you!- would be different?

I should have known better. Thanks, for showing me that I could finally be open, but then slamming me shut again. I shouldn't have slept with you. I should have been prettier, smarter, funnier, better- then maybe you'd still be interested.

Maybe this wasn't the right time, and maybe things are rough for you, and maybe you aren't ready for a relationship. But if that was the case, why the hell did you make me fall for you?

If you want your books back, you know where to find me.


Dear me,

Stoooooooooop. Just write the freaking paper already and get it over with. No more procrastinating on myspace while watching late night Fresh Prince reruns, kay? Be good. I know it sucks, but deal with it. You've turned into a total lazy ass.

And stop raiding the Halloween candy! Leave some for the kiddies!
Dear self,
You told him to forgive himself and get on with life. Please do the same for yourself. That article you were reading just before you read the e-mail was a sign from the universe. You used it, now please please please please please please apply it to yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty for or be ashamed of. You've handled the whole thing better than can be expected. In fact, I'd say you rock. Now that you've wrestled the demon to the ground go and have some F!@king fun will you! You need a bloody break.

Dear Freckle,
I don't post here very often but I do lurk. I just want to say that what you've done for your daughter's friend is so cool. I work with kids who've been in and out of abusive homes and foster care most of their lives. It's people like you who teach them that there are caring, loving people out there looking out for them even if they can't find them in their own homes or families. You rock.
QUOTE(raincitygirl @ Oct 31 2006, 04:28 AM) *

Dear Freckle,
I don't post here very often but I do lurk. I just want to say that what you've done for your daughter's friend is so cool. I work with kids who've been in and out of abusive homes and foster care most of their lives. It's people like you who teach them that there are caring, loving people out there looking out for them even if they can't find them in their own homes or families. You rock.

thankyou, and I know in my heart to an extent that what you say it probably true, but it's been what.. almost 2 weeks now and we still haven't had any more contact with her sinse.
she has a class or 2 w/ my girl, but they don't get a chance to talk and the brief moments they have frecklette said she now calls her by her real Actual name, rather than the goofy nicknames they had used before. small change but signifigant. she doesn't pick up when frecklette calls her ever either, and as best we can tell when we pass by her house in the mornings now, she must be pretty much living at the dad's girlfriend's house bc she's never at the bus stop anymore either.
.. I'd be ok if I knew for sure she Was Ok... but that's the thing.. I Don't.
and what if she's not? what if things are a different kind of bad for her now? what if she needs me and can't get to me? all the words I've spoken to her won't do a bit of good over the iron clad Law of her Father and it's pretty clear he's told her to stay far far away from us.
..I'm just at such a loss as to what to do, if anything. my heart hurts with worry over her still.
I told her I'd Always be here for her, but I'm not. I don't want her to think that I lied to her, bc that would be so disillusioning to her and any trust she had to seek help again.
it's really a confoundation to me.

sorry to unload this on you rcg, guess I just needed to emotionally vent some bc I was going to post un- (as in there was no new news) Update soon anyway.


you finally responded, but it's like you only read 1/2 of what was written, maybe didn't flip it over to see there was more on the back.
your tone was so pious. you're so much better than me bc you're a Quaker? bc you don't believe in war and bc I what- glorify in it? all your crappy crap about respecting the mr bc you recognize that he follows his true calling and is a natural born leader and schmuckety schmuck schmuck.
maybe I really didn't make myself clear in my letter. as I tend to be overly-wordy more oft than not and kill you with the points I aim to make, this would suprise me, but as you responded to such a narrow vein, perhaps is true.
the funny thing is, you seemed more concerned that you have offended or hurt the mr than myself.
oh That's Right, you're the Open Minded Quaker, able to embrace even the lowliest to trot out for your conscious and your conscientious objector friends? how very BIG of you really.

I am your freaking sister !!!!!!
does our relationship mean NOthing to you?
that you would almost mock me when you brought up religion, " Buddah or the Goddess or whoever or whatever name you want to use or religion you follow" .. maybe you'd KNOW if you ever took the 3 seconds to ask? I'm glad you found a spiritual center sister, I really trully am, but the God I believe in doesn't adhere to one religion. He doesn't fit into one definition of rightness. He doesn't judge and He doesn't stop loving us no matter what, and He is here, present, in ALL things, within and around us.

I really don't know what I feel towards you right now.
part of me Really wants to write you off and stop caring, bc blood doesn't make us true kin.

you can take my silence for whatever you care to interpret it as, and call it " listening more and talking less,"

younger but wiser by the day
dear a,
i'm really so sorry it has to be like this. but i gotta adjust. i'm just so sorry that we don't ever get to be as close as we were--i GOT something in your brain, and vice versa, and it was so good but sex was the catalyst, and since that's not there now.....neither is that connection. and as much as i miss you, as much as i hate the fact that we'll never get that close understanding again, it's opening me up and making me realize how different we are. and this doesn't mean i don't wanna be friends with you, but it means that we've got different goals and i kind of forgot about mine. i've been using the business side of my brain too much since i met you. and while that's gotten me all sorts of successful and awesome places i wouldn't have gotten otherwise, i need to step back and re-assess. i think you were meant for me in that you were how i ended up here. i needed to get here, and you got me here. and you know, i got you here too. i think it was a mutually beneficial karmic necessity but it sucks so much that it's over. i'm always gonna remember how awesome you are, but i'm not always gonna KNOW. and that sucks. but--that's how it goes. and i miss you, i do, but it's fading and that's good. i gotta step back. i can't love you anymore; not only am i not allowed to but also it simply doesn't work. in a couple months we'll try it out, post-karma style, and see if we can have a casual friendship. we might not be able to. but, we'll try.
i hope you're doing well. i hope you don't mind me not being there for you. you have to learn, too.


dear other a (seriously, what is it with the a's, and what the hell is it with the name repetition? i guess they're common names though....when i date my second syeyorzha, then i'll start to worry),
please be there next weekend. please be receptive and flattered and amused and curious. i know you probably didn't expect me to look up the site that you casually mentioned you wrote for, but i did. and i'm sure you didn't expect me to, after i had discovered it, google your full name....but i did. and holy crap, boy, you're translating french media theorists....could i be any more smitten? and could you be any further out of my league? i've gotten so used to this world where my friends are industry-smart, self-made women with six-figure salaries and business degrees, or commercially viable designers with $50/hour dayrates, or uber-hipster party promoters and musicians, that i forgot about academia and how that used to be my place. i know i'm nowhere near as smart as you, but i could be.....and as shitty and snobby as this sounds, i love the idea of dating (if i could be so presumptuous) someone who's actually smarter than me, not someone who just thinks they are. i want to pick your brain and i want you to read to me, and give me homework, photocopy me grainy pages of way over my head, and let me help with syntax rather than pixels cos it's been so goddamn long.


dear freckle,
your sister sounds like she's giving quakers a bad name. i'm sorry, and in my brain i'm singing the george fox song loudly at her until she realizes the error of her ways tongue.gif
Dear C,

I wish I had the guts to punch you in the face. Instead of protecting your own ass all the time, you might think of others. You wonder why so many tragic things have happened to your family. I'd say it's karma punishing you for being such a lowlife. How could you get to be your age without realizing your actions have consequences that effect others? Actually, I think you are aware of that, your heart is just so bitter and black that you don't care.

Sometimes, I see people in a certain situation, and I think that's horrible, they deserve so much better. Not in your case. I think you deserve to be exactly where you are in your life, maybe even worse off. I hope you rot in your pathetic existence. You don't deserve better. May terrible things happen to you for the rest of your miserable life so every moment of happiness is tainted with regret and suffering.


P.S. And watch your back, I can be petty when I feel vengeful.

dear November 1st, 2006:

i hope this is a productive wonderful month.
I know you were only doing your job by calling back, but Thankyou.
if this is any indication of the changes that came w/ the change, then yah, I am loving it.
thankyou for fixing it up for my wee girl at the same time and saving me another fight too.

Mr's Mrs.
Hi Freckle,
Please vent away. I know the system sucks. But you don't!

we saw the girl this morning.
weird, bc it's literally the first time sinse the meeting w/ dcs I've set eyes on her, and she was walking out of her house as frecklette & I drove by.
I pulled over at the same time of yelling ' Roll your window down!!!!' bc I was so excited to see her again, and yesterday was her big speech competition she had worked so hard towards and practiced at our house for. ( she Rocked it in practice btw, and that's even to my super critical Public Speaking critique)
she didn't compete.
apparently, right after the meeting, they (her dad & his gf, now referred to as Her) made her quit the team.
and she's no longer allowed to have any contact w/ frecklette except in school and absolutely NO Contact w/ US Ever Again.

and you know she just looked so sad...
we all almost started crying, she looked so small and so stressed and I told her I Meant what I said, that if she EVER needs me I'm still here bc I didn't want her to think I'd turned my back on her or forgotten about her bc I think and worry about her Every Day Still. that she was still the Other Daughter I Never Wanted and she laughed a little and said I was still the Other Real Mom she never got, but as soon as she said it, we all realised how totally sad and true it was and it wasn't funny but awful.

I told her she can still call me, or get to me, whenever, however she can if she needs to bc I AM STILL HERE, but she just looked even sadder and looked down and then away.

and you know, maybe all those days driving past her house when I thought she wasn't there, when I thought she was at the gf's house in the mornings, I think she WAS there, and probably saw us driving by, but we didn't see her so it was like she didn't exsist anymore and I think maybe I really have just made things worse for her now.
I told her over and over how sorry I was for what happened, bc you know if I Hadn't made the dcs call, we'd still have her in some ways at least.
maybe we could have seagued into keeping her more and more til she was living w/ us more than w/ them, you know how that goes sometimes, but Noooo, I had to be a dumbass and think I could FIX IT and now look at how awful it all is for her.

and you know I'm sitting here sobbing, but knowing it's 1000x's worse for her now that we've seen her and it's all my own freakin' fault.
I should have just left things alone.

as we drove to school then I told frecklette to please not stop being her friend, that she needs her more than ever before and not to give up on her, and how Sorry I was to her too that I cost her such a close friendship, and you know what my beautiful sweet 12 year old daughter said to me?
she said Mom it's ok. you still did the right thing. and then she took my hand and we laced fingers and squeezed and held hands a second as I drove on.

I KNOW I did the right thing, or at least damned to hell I really believed I was doing the right thing at the time, but now I know better.

looking back, we always knew that losing her was the worse case scenario in all this, but I honestly thought that by getting dcs involved, it would make it all better AND we'd get to keep her and I guess deep down I must have been vain and naieve enough to think he'd even Thank Us in time, for bringing him back to his senses and then we'd all sing kumbyya and he'd continue to let us co-parent her supportively.

I was so SURE I was doing the Right Thing.

..part of me still wants to fight this.
I'm a Fixer, and this is just Not Acceptable to me and if it were someone who came to me in need, I'd not let go til I got better resolution or satisfaction.
but what can I do in the face of how things stand now?
me, the great warrior woman who doesn't back down to other people's problems, feel completely powerless over this one and I need to go to my internal quiet place and find whatever answers I feel sure are out there.

I just willnot abandone this little girl.

I believe that people are connected to others sometimes on a spiritual level, and though we may not understand it at the time, we are then compelled to help one another in whatever way we can.
I'm feeling the tug hard right now, and even if it's just of the heartstrings, I won't let go.

sorry for venting again everyone,
anyone w/ ideas of how to fix/resolve/kidnapp this girl, please feel to Pm me.

love & hugs,

Don't beat yourself up about this. You did what you had to do, and you did do the right thing, and I am in awe of all that you have done for this girl. I really mean that.

dear teacher,

i know i've screwed up a few times this semester, but i honestly don't give a shit. i'm not irresponsible and forgetful, i knew exactly what i was doing each time. i hate your class, i hate your style of teaching, and i hate how you kiss your favorite students' asses and let them have the run of everything. i'm too old for this shit. i think anyone above 20 is too old for this shit. i'm not one of your stupid undergrads who worships you. i'm about to finish grad school, i'm too burned out to care about your dumb pointless class, and you know what and you know what? you've been a total bitch to me pretty much this entire semester, even before i started being apathetic toward your bullshit. what the fuck?

kiss my ass
(((((((((freckle))))))))) you did the right thing, and what you had to do. Don't blame yourself; you've done a fantastic job and you are nothing but amzing yourself.

dear housework
please do yourself
(((freckle))) You did do the right thing. You demonstrated to that little girl that some adults will follow through, will take risks and will prioritise her well being. Fwiw, I think you may have increased her faith in people, despite the rotten example she has at home.

It's not only that you felt you had to try and make things better for her, it's that she saw you doing that and it gave her an example of a caring, responsible adult. Wait (if you can) and see what happens after she and frecklette hang out at school for a while. Her dad may relent and let them hang out again.

Mornington, can you get your housework to talk to my housework? smile.gif
dear me,

i know you are going through a hard time right now. it feels very difficult to keep going, to keep trying, and i know that you feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and frustrated.

you are also tired right now, and your body needs rest. pray to the universe that you will find a goodly employer, a job near public transportation, and a safe, clean, decent place to live before the new year.

you will find people who see you, love you, support you, honor you, and who are themselves growing and nurture and support your own growth.

if you keep breathing, it will help you stay centered and grounded. i know it feels hard. i know you are trying the best that you can. be accountable to yourself, for how you treat yourself. i am aware of them. soon, this month, you will find yourself in a place where you can take it all out of the bag, boxes, condensed and smoldering piles.

i know there is work to be done. i know you've been trying to do the work for almost a year, and i know that it's taking longer than you expected. you are trying. you are not a failure. i believe in you. not only are you trying, you are also doing. you are taking action.

i trust you. i believe in you. i love you.


* * *


You may find that you are under emotional assault, like life is wearing things down. Have faith in the fact that you are strong enough to resist and maintain. The question is: How long can you hold out, especially if it's been going on for so long? Love and compassion need to be employed.
Relentless, unchanging reality. The establishment. Feeling battered and bruised.

The Caution: Acting out of stubbornness which can lead to inertia, not growth. Tedious negotiations of all kinds.

Don't become too concerned with one side of issues in the material world. You may feel boxed in with no way out. Simply look around, with a more objective eye and apply simple, active solutions. There IS a way out of your dilemma. Try not to surrender to frustrations. Think outside the square.
Illuminated solutions. Understanding the borders of one's activities. Looking for stability.

The Caution: Surrendering, feeling trapped, seeing only one side of a situation.

Light can penetrate dark, but dark can't penetrate light. Kryon

There comes a time in a man's life when to get where he has to go - if there are no doors or windows, he walks through a wall. Bernard Malamud

Room service? Send up a bigger room. Groucho Marx
Dear ectomorphic self,

Don't take this the wrong way. It's not your fault. But do you have to be completely un-photogenic - especially when naked? How many curls and crunches do I have to do to get your muscles to pop out, for chissakes? And try, for once, to take a picture that doesn't make you look retarded.

Dear irrational brain,

Do you have to go off the deep end every time you see yourself in bleak snapshots? Stop being so critical of yourself. Jesus.

Dear people in my life,

Thanks for being so inarguably hot and standing so close to me in pictures.
Dear A,

Thank you, for being such a wonderfully unique individual. Although you always say that you don't know what to say, you always seem to know exactly what to say to help me. I am not sure what I did to earn your love and friendship, but I really can't imagine my life without you. How I could start off talking to you about to cry and end up laughing by the time I got off the phone, I'll never understand....but seriously, Thank you for everything!!!!

G. Kitty

Dear pup,

I know the trash is tempting, but I feed you well. Do you have shread the trash??? Maybe, you'll grow out, of it? I love you anyway.......

G. Kitty
dear self,
pull it the fuck together, don't be an idiot
Dear wombat!

Spend most of your time and energy making things dance on computer screens, and finding the people that want the dancing things.

Stop eating Halloween candy!! You were doing so well! Congrats on the gym, the voting, the kickass financial disciplines though.


Freckle: I don't think you miscalculated strategy. He was already NOTICING and already GETTING DEFENSIVE AND PISSED that she was at your house so much. He could read the implied criticism -- even though it was more of a kindness toward the little girl than criticism of him. It was coming to a head. And since it was coming to a head, you took the reins in a socially appropriate, very careful manner.

You didn't mess up. If she does end up being molested, neglected or abused in what may be her new step-family, or if someone else down the road has doubts about the father, you put the documentation into place.

thankyou so much, and from that spin on perspective, you're right, I did what I could the Right Way, following my gut and my heart and if more things come up unrelated to me, there Will be a record of it to track from. this is a good thing right?
I just hate what her future may hold in light of what all she's already endured.
doesn't seem fair for so much to be put on one young girl.

when I went past her house friday morning the dad's girlfriend's car was in the drive and I really even turned around to go back and speak to her, but to say what?
when I was at the girl's school picking up my freck for a Dr's appt, I saw the same councelor that we had talked with the morning of the girl's freakout breakdown, and he is keeping an eye on her still, and when I told him I'd finally seen her again and was thinking about calling her dad he think's maybe enough time has passed that it would be ok. my gut says No, but I stil feel like maybe I should anyway.
my heart is Really telling me that custody of her would be what is best, something I honestly didn't even want to consider before now, and now it seems really the Only resolution. .. I want her with us.. as one of my kids. ( & please understand, I am about an untraditional/unconventional Mama that doesn't even really Like kids in the first place.) she needs to be here w/ us; even the mr misses her now.

right this moment, I am caught up in the news that my Dad has cancer and so am focused on waiting for the sugery date to make plans to fly home or do whatever is needed, but this girl is stil never far from my thoughts bc when I think of Family, I think of her.

hugs and more to you wombat the computer dancing queen~

love freckle
((freckle)) sorry to hear about your dad!
dear me:

trust the process. focus on taking care of yourself, what feels good to you, and what you can change. let go of the negative energy, emotions, and people who harm you.

trust the process. be open to change. do not close up and be so protective that change becomes impossible because you are busy trying to stay safe.

you have a voice. you have volition. you have movement in your muscles, a beating heart, and a way to get there. trust yourself. trust yourself.

Dear old friend,
It was good to see you again today...almost like old times....but better! Thanks for saying how happy I look now. Because when you boil down all the shit that happened, I am happier now than I have ever been in my adult life. And few people on this earth will ever truely know why things happened the way they did, but I hope someday you realize some of it had to happen. I think maybe you've already figured some of it out. But anyway, I'm glad I got to see you today...and talk without awkwardness and be myself, and realize I wasn't hiding behind the old pretenses. I don't have to pretend to be happy anymore. Who knows what will happen now, but even if nothing does, it was good to see you.

Dear Mr. Pixie,
Thanks for truely changing my life! For loving me without judging me, and for letting me be myself with you always. You are and always will be my best friend!
your pixie
dear polling place,
please don't have a long line. please be able to find my name, and don't pull any crap. please let me be able to leave blank the things i want to instead of having to blindly risk voting for the wrong person. please let me vote.

dear mailbox,
it might be too soon, but if it's not, please be full of what i want you to be full of.

dear mailbox contents,
please say what i want you to say.
dear britney,
i'm proud of you for divorcing loserboy. please make a badass cd and go on a badass tour so that you can make up for that concert you cancelled on me back in the day when you went temporarily insane over shithead, kay? thanks.

p.s. - girl you looked good on letterman.

dear intestines,
please stop being mean to me. i know i don't feed you well, but that's because i'm lazy and don't feel like cooking. i'll try to do better by you and eat more fiber.

dear former teacher,
dude you rock! thanks for the help! i will definitely stop by when i go back home for winter break.

dear current teacher,
you suck. i hate you.

dear taco bell,
you suck, too. why do you keep screwing up my freaking order? it's not hard, damn you!!!
Dear job, Fuck off. Did you not realize that I had to take off three weeks due to illness? You keep telling me that I can't do this job, but why did you give me a raise? Bastards.

Dear self, you can do this. By this, I mean your job, and everything else. Just focus on your health and the rest will take care of itself.

Boy, I miss you. Please call at some point this week. And, we need to talk about sex.

E, thank you for your support. But, I still won't fuck you. However, you and I can still chill.
Dear Best Friend,
For the most part I am happy for you and your fledgling relationship with Newboy, but your my best friend, my sister and sometimes I worry about you. I am concerned about how quick you are to get into a relationship with Newboy knowing his circumstances and the type of relationship that he only just got out of three weeks ago. I dont think Newboy is a bad person, I think he has the potential to be a very good person, however I think he needs to be single for more then a month before he jumps back into a relationship. I also worry that you dont understand how much the circumstances hes coming from can affect him and potentially you.
All that being said I support you in whatever you do. I just hope you truly understand what your doing.
I love you,

Dear body/health,
Thank you for fighting off that evil cold/flu thing! I promise to treat you better
~*~*~freckle's dad ~*~*~
deleted post. damn lack of anonymity.
dear you,

stop being a passive aggressive bitch. i know i fucked up, but jesus fucking christ it was three weeks ago and it really wasn't that big of a transgression, either. it was more of a slight annoyance. if someone had done it to me i honestly would've just blown it off, and i'm not just saying that.

dear e.y.,

your a bitch.
youre selfish and two faced
i dont know why everyone i think i can trust seems to let me down.
i either have the worst taste or the worst luck.
k, not everyone, but it happens more than i'd like.
i really wanted to believe you cared about my feelings
i really wanted to believe you understood my feelings
i really wish i could go back in time and not tell you the personal details i chose to spill.

i cannot believe some of the shit you have said to me, and i'm still nice, all to not cause a scene.

you don't deserve my friendship

Dear FWB,
I know you have made it perfectly clear that we are not dating and that you don't want a girlfriend and that you are free to hook up with other people. And I've accepted that and haven't placed any demands on you whatsoever. However, it was incredibly rude of you to text message some other girl throughout the ENTIRE evening while we ate dinner, went to a show, hung out with some of your friends, and drove home. Meanwhile you had the nerve to tell me that you were jealous of the thought of me being attracted to anyone else. And then when I told you that you were being rude, you got defensive and refused to speak to me the entire hour and half ride home meanwhile driving 90 mph and racing all the other cars on the road. Obviously that struck a nerve, but you're too scared to admit it, and you would rather anesthetize yourself and cover up your feelings by focusing on finding a new girl to hook up with. Why don't you get your head out of your ass and realize that you have things pretty good with me? Just keep your plans for fucking other girls to your goddamned self, and you won't have to deal with me calling you on your disrespectful bullshit.
Sincerely, me

Dear self,
Why do you continue to put yourself in a situation that you know is going to upset you and make you feel bad? I know the sex is good, but is it really worth all the drama?
Sincerely, me
dear dems,

please don't be like them. be better.

dear boss,
thanks for letting me get part of tuesday off. i haven't seen my uncle in two years, and i know it's short notice but he only called me yesterday to tell me he was going to be in town. i know you're pissed, but quite honestly he's worth a lot more to me than this job, since his money and generosity are the reason i've been able to do pretty much everything awesome i've ever done, and left me without any student loans. and please don't flip out at me like that for taking lots of days off. i'm sorry that over labor day my flight got cancelled and i got stuck in atlanta and had to pay for a hotel room because the airline wouldn't and had to fly back at 5am the next day (a day which, if you'll remember, i did actually work. i drove straight to work from the airport even after all that AND finding out my car had been broken into and my car stereo had been stolen). i'm sorry that the dmv is only open one saturday a month and i had the nerve to have to register the car i bought to ensure that i wouldn't be half an hour late every day due to los angeles' shitty public transportation. i'm sorry that yes, i would really like to be able to see my family over christmas, and i'm really sorry that they happen to live 3,000 miles away (and your snide remark of "oh, well, won't you be able to see your uncle at christmas?" didn't help. no, i won't, he lives in a different COUNTRY, not to mention he travels a ton and in fact will be on the other side of the globe on christmas. like, water spirals the wrong way down the sink there).

furthermore, i'm your best employee and you know it. i'm fast and i always know what you're thinking and the other designer under you spends the last half hour of every day curling her eyelashes. and she's taken off TONS of time, and is late every day.

i don't expect to get paid for these days i'm taking off. i NEVER asked that. furthermore i've clearly expressed that i'm more than happy to stay late, take work home, or work saturdays for you. cut me some slack, please. it's half a freaking day.

dear uncle,

please don't ask me to take time off from work to see you, and then email me saying roughly "i'll see if i can fit you in" after i go through hell with my boss to get a mere half day. i know that i am forever indebted to your generosity and will never even be able to comprehend how grateful i am to you, but lord you're difficult to deal with socially! and i know you want to feel like you know everything about everything and that includes los angeles, but the getty is not 19 miles from bel-air. try FOUR. and please do keep in mind that not all of us can afford to take four months off to go to australia, italy and china just for the hell of it. some of us can't even take a whole day off to go to the getty with their rich uncle.

i think my gratefulness to you and appreciation of all priveleges i've had in my life due to you (which are pretty much ALL priveleges i've ever had, actually, considering that in my entry level design job at which i am a mere peon of the industry, i make more money than either of my parents have ever made) and my inability to show the breadth of it just means that i have to be gracious and tolerant and friendly and loving to you, even when your behavior would not be tolerated in anyone else. but i am letting it slide off my back, because you are a fascinating human being (who teaches themselves chinese with italian-chinese dictionaries in order to not lose the italian they've just taught themself??), and i have no student loans, and got to live in paris for a summer doing NOTHING, and stayed in an italian castle when i was 12, and got to go to the best private school in the area, and had visited ten different countries before i could even vote legally.

thank you.
fake daughter:
missing you, right this second & always.
not giving up & I think you know that now.
hold on toots~
fake mom

love you.
hate that this is happening and hate even more the snails pace at which the med system seems to be moving at, but I am chosing to believe it's bc your're not so that sick ( As If w/ the C-word) that time is still a bit of a luxury? (I'm too scared to think what if that's not true at all and the reality is the med system just sucks.)
I'm scared really no matter what, bc this Isn't Supposed To Happen.
damnit. ( go ahead and tell Mom & see if she makes me wash my mouth out w/ ivory, after your little incident w/ the H word I don't think you should speak biggrin.gif )

anyway, I am here, ready to pack a bag and frecklette and come and do whatever is needed to take care of you ( & Mom).

daughter #2

Rape Crisis Center:
do you want me or not?
2 weeks sinse you canceled the last training, almost 2 Months sinse I first applied to you.
I know you need volunteers, but organization doesn't seem to be Job One w/ you, which makes me question the integrity of your program over all.
soon, much as I don't want to, I am going to withdraw my application and take my time and considerable energies elsewhere to a program that has its act better together and will value my comitment to it.
future wanna be

(((((((((((((((((((((Busties)))))))))))))))))) thankyou all for just being you.
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