Jul 17 2006, 04:50 PM
thanks for the cluster fuck. how about we try for tomorrow, too?
i was right. you are passive agressive. try not being a fucking pussy and talking to me in person instead of doing it through email?
just because you and the other staff don't see me around your circle doesn't mean i'm not WORKING MY FUCKING ASS OFF. I CANNOT MAKE MORE HOURS IN THE DAY THEN THERE ARE. I'M TRYING, FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!!
stop self-medicating with vending machine goodies.
Jul 18 2006, 04:39 AM
(first, as I cannot for the life of me, get this damnable text to not italicize 1/2 my post, excuse the style bc sometimes I meant to do it, sometimes not.)
things are better, sort of.
ep emailed back, just as friendly as you could please, all back-woods fresh off the 'mater truck & happy to hear from me, which is how she is. (eye roll)
didn't mention talking to my _ whatsoever though.
so.. I demanded he email her. right then.
pissed the hell out of him bc he really didn't get that I was that upset (dumbass) & [i]thought I was making way too much out of this, but he sent her a very pedestrian note, saying he couldn't talk to her anymore bc it wasn't right in doing so behind his wife's back. (duh). and she wrote back w/in a few hours agreeing, and how she never meant it as anything but friendship and she'd never done anything behind her own husband's back & it didn't feel right, I think now that it was brought to her attention.
I put my ring back on but truthfully I still don't trust him for shit.
it's so easy to fake emails, and he fwd'd them to me, I just don't trust it.
I swear I'd like to take an axe to our computer and hack it to bits, but I know that's really not the root of our problems.
will I be wearing my ring tomorrow? I don't know. it's not really about the ring. taking it off (something I swore I'd never ever do, so naieve I was once) is liberating, and I enjoy the lightness for lack of weight it affords, even though it's a thin simple band. I'm just so..[/b]ANGRY at him right now... so many different issues and I can't seem to get his attenion on Any of it. I don't know if he thinks we'll just keep rolling though and let it pass over or what .. but we've got some (of his) serious work -related changes that are going to majorly tilt the/my/our world as we've always known it on it's side & flip it inside out, and while yes I am supporting it for him, he really sort of blindsided me w/ that too, leaving me not much of a choice w/out a lot of resentment for holding him back. I don't know.
the older I get, the less I can roll w/ shit like this. I am tired. marriage is not at ALL what I ever ever imagined, and not at all in the good or best ways. those hallmark commericial moments are LIES.
we're going to do counceling. or at least he's aggreed to it. reminding me even that once it was He pushing for it, and I was reticent , which is true so who is more guilty?
if this isn't the life I want, what is stopping me from persuing a different one or at least getting off my big fat ass and working hard to make this one better?
he & I get along great. that is the irony. when the big crap isn't hitting the fan, we have so much fun together, and w/ our girl too.
things that show me that there is a lot left to fight for and protect. everyone else thinks we have this fabulous marriage, that aside from my notorious redheaded temper, we are the picture of a successful relationship. if only they knew.
thanks for letting me vent & all your hugs, it means the world bc there's not a soul here I can say this stuff to in my life,
Jul 18 2006, 08:49 AM
((((frekle))) you and __ have had a hella long, hard road. Its bound to lead to issues, problems and heartache. Marriage ain't flowers and puppies! If you're honest with yourself and him, you will certainly find whatever path it is for you to take. (((frek)))
Jul 18 2006, 09:56 AM
pppplease let me find the perfect apartment by the end of july! i'm beginning to stress out big time, and as september 1 draws nearer, panic is beginning to set in. i don't think that i'm asking for too much, so please let things fall into place.
please let me find something that:
- allows ella;
- is all inclusive and under $700/mo.;
- semi-furnished (if possible!);
- no signed lease;
- within walking distance, or not too far of a commute by bus to the university.
Jul 18 2006, 11:35 AM
(((frek)))) i only wish you healing and understanding thru counseling. Counseling in itsself, sucks, but make the most of it!
catsoup, i agree with plynn.
Jul 18 2006, 12:44 PM
I feel so much for you! My ex Took my ring off and broke the soldering. Then while we were trying to put things back together he kept trying to convince me to put it back on, but I told him I wouldn't put it back on until I was sure it was going to stay on. I never did put it back on! We decided to go to counseling to...but he went to his girlfriends house the night before the first appt, so it was a pretty worthless attempt.
I hope you guys can work things out if that is what you really WANT to do. But I hear my own words, and see all the emotions I went through coming out in your posts. It does get better, one way or another. You are at that point where you are balancing back and forth...work it out, or give up. And anything, no matter how small, could tip the scale either way.
A guy I dated used to say a woman has a light switch of love in her...once it flips off, it fries the breaker and it's over. I think your finger is on the switch.
DO you still love him? Why or why not? Why was I attracted to him in the first plce? Are those things still present in our relationship? If things don't change can you go on like this for the rest of your life? Those are the questions I asked myself.
Jul 19 2006, 03:22 PM
Can you stop? Can you go back? Can we take the Angels' request seriously and just.stop.moving?
I can't really take this. I'm not good at this. I already have a huge gaping hole in my soul, fed by suburban sprawl, destruction of wetlands, the raping of old-growth forests, blowing tops off of mountains for a little bit of profit, the strip-mining destroying water tables and landscapes, polar bears eating other polar bears because their desperation is so great, poverty in oil company-owned countries so great that humans will slaughter our closest genetic relatives in order to survive, destroying families which may not be able to articulate their love verbally, but clearly suffer for it.
It's impossible to actually write this. There really are no words to convey the absolutely gutted feelings swirling through my body and brain. Can't really do it.
I am tired of Israel and Palestine. I am sick to death of Zionists screaming that Israel is an innocent victim, that it bears no responsibility, that is is only defending itself. I am sick of my pitiful earnings being docked for taxes to indoctrinate children in our farcical public school system; I don't want my money being used to kill civilians in aggressive military actions; I don't want to feel as guilty as I do for something so completely beyond my control.
I want every single neo-con and nearly every single self-proclaimed Republican lined up in a row and shot, joined by fundamentalists of every stripe. I want the billions of dollars stolen illegitimately from American citizens returned to the communities that are in desperate need of assistance that never, ever comes. I want the truth about the terrorist attacks on this country told, acknowledged, carved into fucking stone.
I want people stranded in war zones to be evacuated by their government without being made to sign an IOU. I want the justice system to be money-blind.
I want active, comprehensive, ongoing sex education that starts in kindergarten. I want little boys to learn from birth that they have no right to anyone's body but their own. I want men who rape vilified, tied to trucks, and driven through streets naked, post-castration, while they bleed to death. I want the mentally ill to be treated and cared for, not living on the streets.
I want the mythical America back.
I hate this version. I want an upgrade, now.
Jul 20 2006, 10:07 AM
Dear Ignore function,
Jul 20 2006, 10:38 AM
Dear Mr. HMCHH -
I really wanna stay in touch and be friends. Seriously, the sex doesn't matter to me as much as that - although last night I was horny as hell - but I do wanna stay in touch. I do wanna be friends. Hopefully, that will happen.
Dear job gods -
thank you for dropping two of the most incredible job opportunities in my lap. Now please just point me in the direction of which one I should take.
Jul 20 2006, 04:47 PM
Dear AZ Guy,
I don't hate you, but I don't love you anymore.
Instead, I am apathetic.
I don't care anymore, I don't have the energy to care, nor do I really have the time.
The worst thing I could do is to get over you, move on with my life, and not give you a second thought or glance. You hate being ignored, not being the center of attention. You would rather that I put up billboards across town warning girls to stay away from you, that all you will do is criticize them to death.
But no, that's giving you too much.
You think that I should want to kill you, hurt you, and you think my doing nothing is stupid and ridiculous.
It's not. I think the phrase "The windmills of the gods grind slowly but finely" sums up life pretty well, and considering your track record on how you treat those around you, it's only a matter of time before you hurt yourself far worse than anyone else could.
My only regret now is not telling you to fuck off when you told me you were married.
Jul 20 2006, 08:41 PM
dear job gods -
I know which job I wanna take. Because I just realized that one of the job offers puts me in a position at a level that no women has worked at to date in this industry. If I do get the opportunity to do this, I know it will be hard, but I now have an excellent motivation: I will have the opportunity, just by my working at this job, to open doors for women coming up in this industry. Doors that for me, have mostly been opened by cool men who believed in me. Those guys are excellent for helping me, but the next step is for a woman to get in there and lead the way. And if I have the opportunity, I'm gonna take it. The thought of that feels better to me than any perk, benefit, salary, or expense that either of the jobs offer.
Jul 21 2006, 09:15 AM
Green Grocer Guy,
you're so adorable- and that mickey mouse tie you wore today- swoon!
crushing on you madly still,
Jul 21 2006, 12:27 PM
seriously. get over yourself. you're never gonna get through life if you can't even learn how to deal with the smallest things, which are nothing more than minor inconveniences in the grand scheme.
Jul 21 2006, 05:09 PM
You hurt me deeply today. I cannot believe how you defended the rape of iraqui women. You said, it's just a part of war, and oh, our men are so stressed and they need to take it out on somebody and that they don't know who's going to kill them and who won't.
But I have been raped. How could you be so insensitive? You just don't get it. My pain all came back to me today. Thank you so much. You showed me just how much most men feel about women and women's trials.
Sometimes I wish you were a woman. At leat you'd get it then. You just don't understand what it's like to be prey....to be just, an outlet for men's rage.
Who knew? Who knew that the man I loved for ten years, would probably rape me if I were an iraqui woman?
I cannot wrap my brain around this. Does this mean, that if the Iraqui's were here raping people that you'd justify it if they raped me? Do you really value women that little?
I feel betrayed. I wish I could feel innocent again. But, I am of the age where all the men I know are vietnam vets who hate Jane Fonda. And you wrap so much into your military experience.
WELL WHAT ABOUT MINE????? What about MY experience being a woman in America? You talk about how stressful it is to be thinking that around the corner is a killer who wants to kill you. Well, join the fucking club. I live my ENTIRE LIFE like that. What the hell do you think it's like for a woman walking American streets???
I really, really hate you right now. And you're my only one. You're my one confidante. And, you just don't get it.
Do I hate myself for hanging out with you? How can I justify this within myself?
And why is it, that when a woman starts to show rage, it "must be because she had too much to drink"...why can't we just be ANGRY??????
Is it because it isn't sexy? Are we just fodder for your sexuality? And if we don't fit the mold something's wrong.
And I'm a bad person for feeling. For feeling anything except bubblegum love or sexy. If I feel anything approaching, oh, anger, or indignity....you take offense. I cannot confide in you. I listen to you if you are troubled.
There is NOBODY here for me if I am troubled. I'm just a woman who's been raped. And abused. But it doesn't matter, does it?
I don't know whether to love you or hate you. Right now it's closer to hate.
Please prove me wrong.
Jul 21 2006, 08:48 PM
Dear Job Gods -
THANK YOU!! My head is reeling, and the reality of this is just sinking in. I only hope I can live up to everyone's expectations. I will try my damndest.
Jul 21 2006, 11:17 PM
dear querida zora:
you GO, girlfriend!!!
must go and read more about perfect job. you rock. congrats! parabens!!
dear sun: i adore you. you know i do. so much that i wake up at the exact moment that you appear each morning. please, let me sleep through your spendour on weekends. i am always SO tired, i KNOW i am not getting enough sleep.
dear mimi the african attack cat:
sweetie, i know you think you are hungry. i also know that i am NOT getting.enough.sleep.
so, my dear, please don't torture me so ruthlessly in the morning. you would not DIE if you didn't get to eat until a teeeeeeeny bit later. trust me.
lovins and pettins,
Jul 22 2006, 12:08 AM
Dear Tesao -
it's so nice to see you back posting!!!
and thank you!!
PS - I love zora, but I am zoya
ETA: PPS - unless you are talking to zora, in which case, nevermind. (people keep getting us mixed up lately) but thank you anyway! haha
Jul 22 2006, 08:47 AM
((((treehugger)))) There is no excuse for justifying that....and trying to do so to someone who's been through it is just thoughtless.
Jul 22 2006, 04:28 PM
((pollystyrene)) thank you for hearing my pain.
I have another letter for other people now.
To Mary Pogreba and Vernae Skindeling (Wiekling at last check):
I have not forgotten. And, no, I am not changing the names to protect the guilty. Your names are right out there.
Thanks to you I have to take medication the rest. of. my. life. Forever.
You just couldn't leave well enough alone, could you? You had to take the little deaf girl and beat the shit out of her didn't you?
Great. Are you proud of yourselves now? Just know, that with every waking moment, there is at least one person who wishes you dead. One person who wishes upon you the pain you inflicted on her.
Yes, I'm deaf. And I'm different. But you trumped up a reason.
For nearly an HOUR you beat on me.
Two of you.
I thought I was going to die. And my religious upbringing...I kept turning my cheek thinking that's what God wanted me to do. Every time I turned my cheek you'd smack it.
You fractured my skull. You gave me a brain injury.
Brains don't just heal themselves.
Thank you. For the rest of my life I have to take medication. With EVERY DOSE I see your face. Your fists.
You better hope I never run into you. Because, yes, maybe back then, I couldn't defend myself and I was much smaller and I was not any kind of a threat.
But, now??? I'd kick your ass. I'm buff, I'm strong, and I'm self confident. And I haven't forgotten. It's been 25 years now. But you haven't paid.
Pray. Just pray that you don't run into me.
Because if I were to do to you what you did to me, you'd be in serious hurt. I was. I spent a week in the hospital. You'd spend a month, honey. And it'd be worth it, to me.
Jul 23 2006, 07:19 AM
(((treehugger))) I feel for you being in so much pain, it's so raw. Have you been in Survivor's Space in the Fword (for both experiences)? You will find so many lovely, kind and supportive busties who aren't victims but survivors, whether it be of rape, bullying or of lovers who don't always understand (across the board and not just in that space).
Jul 23 2006, 10:40 AM
I love you and you will never know it.
Jul 23 2006, 10:53 AM
i am sitting here with tears in my eyes.
i have no words. none. sometimes i am overwhelmed by the wrong and the hate in the world.
and all i can do is cry. keep writing your letters here, please. i hope they give your wounds some balm.
whoops. color me pink. we need a blushing smilie.
i did, indeed, mean ZOYA. aka YOU.
please forgive me.
hugs and kisses,
damn, i miss you and your hot hard cock.
i know i shouldn't go there, but some days it is just not possible.
i can't wait until we see each other again.
Jul 23 2006, 02:34 PM
I can't do much except send you virtual hugs, I can't even begin to properly relate to what you're writing. But all I can say is you've always got someone who will listen here.
I miss you, you silly fucker. I was really looking forward to living with you, I hope you will come stay as much as you can, and I hope that you'll always be a part of my life. A big part. You've listened so much to me, and made me laugh when I thought I could do was cry, and now you're the other end of the country and I can't do anything except worry about you, and hope that you'll talk properly to me soon.
Oh, and I need my pass. And Daphne's nail clippers. Seriously now. And my book. Give them back, bitch, or I'll poke you to death, and then set the bunny on you.
Jul 23 2006, 10:29 PM
I've been doing some thinking and being friends with you is just hurting me too much.I have thought recently that maybe there was a chance for us to get back
together.But I know that that will never happen.
I have alot of regrets about how we broke up and why and now it's all just coming to a head.
The realisation that we will never be close in a partnership sense is tearing me
apart.I still love you and seeing you as a friend is just making me very depressed.
I'm very happy to look after the girls when you go away in two weeks as long as
I don't have to see you.
I just regret everything that has happened this year and wish that all the other bad stuff that occured during our relationship never happened.I wish to god we could have made it
work but I guess it was'nt meant to be.
I love you and wish that I still didn't.
Jul 24 2006, 12:55 AM
Wow, it's been a while since I've written you a letter. Tonight I had a moment of clarity and everything Dr. P has been saying to me about finally rang true, or perhaps for the first time I heard it. You and I are not destined to be together, I know that. We'll never have children, you'll never marry me. You've decided that we shouldn't sleep together anymore, which is fine...truthfully it was all a game I hated to play. I don't like stroking your fragile ego - that's not a game I'm in to. Nor am I really into the 5 minute wham-bam-no thank you mam thing. You said we were supposed to talk tonight, but you've ignored me all evening/night. Just another realization that you're not and have never been there for me...like Dr. P. says how can you lose something you never really had? I've never had you, I will never have you...that is a fact of life. The fact that you make plans that you don't keep doesn't set too well with me...in fact it infuriates me. But enough about you, I'm tired and want to go to bed. Thanks for disappointing me yet again.
There isn't too much left for us to say to eachother, there's really no point in talking anymore...and to be honest although you were nice to me at the beginning, in the end you used just like those other dudes. I really don't think we should even try to be friends...it's just not going to work.
Jul 24 2006, 01:18 PM
fuck yourself. fuck yourself hardcore in the asshole with a knife.
Jul 24 2006, 02:08 PM
(((treehugger))) my thoughts are with you...
Jul 24 2006, 07:43 PM
((treehugger)) My thoughts are with you. Please keep posting,and know that we're out here thinking about you....
Mom, all I wanted you to tell me is that you missed me. That you were sorry I was sick. I didn't want to hear a fucking diatribe about my seizures, or missing work due to them (hello! They saw me throwing up at my damn desk due to the migrane) or anything else. I just wanted to curl up in your arms, and eat your meatloaf. I didn't want a flamming email about my new job and that you think my new boyfriend is causing these. Because he's not. Please fuck off, and mind your own business. So glad you don't live in the same state anymore.
Dear job gods, please send me some good job leads out west... I so want to move to Portland! I must work on my resume this weekend.
Cunt of a boss, quit being such a cunt.
SC Boy, damn I miss you. Why does this have to hurt so much? I wish you were closer, and I could hold you...and smell you. And kiss your silly beard. So glad you're sending me a care package.
I keep pinching myself to tell me that you're real. Are you?
Jul 25 2006, 03:49 AM
Dear Fucking Neighbour,
Not only do you play shit music (Irish showbands anyone?) but you play it at top volume. At *checks* 11am.
I don't mind you being a fruitcake but I mind when your fruitcake-ness means I can't study because you clearly have no work to do so you can play your crap music and blast me out of my home.
I'd confront you but I know you'd just offer me a drink (see above re. 11am) and attempt to bore me rigid with pointless slurred anecdotes.
Stop annoying us and get a job already. Failing that, just be quiet and let the rest of us work.
Jul 25 2006, 04:42 AM
Wow. How'd that happen? Thanks.
*keeps fingers crossed*
You really really annoy me on a daily basis. I wish you'd go away.
Jul 26 2006, 04:06 AM
You're a wonderful person. And I think we fit together nice. We're two peas in a pod.
I never knew another man to say that Pink's song "dear mr. president" makes him cry. You're special. Thank you for taking me under your wing when I first went to work at the U. You showed me so much about digital controls. And you took it personally when they split us up.
You have such a great sense of humor. I can just imagine you shopping with your wife and when she's picking out steaks and such, you start running around the store yelling "stop the slaughter! Stop the madness!"
Great way to get her to never take you shopping again.
When you retired you took me aside and told me...and nobody else. We have a bond. And if you were twenty years younger and not married, I'd SO be running after you. Aw, hell, you could even be just ten years younger. You take care of yourself.
Thanks for being such a wonderful friend. Too bad I'm too young (or you're too old and married) You're a calm spot to my insanity.
Dear H: Please quit using that infernal pls pipe dope. It doesn't wash out of clothing for shit.
Dear Mojo the cat: Thank you for dedicating yourself to catching flies in my condo. Because I hate chasing them all over the place with a swatter, yet they irritate me. Especially catch the one I caught on my toothbrush this morning.
Jul 26 2006, 12:17 PM
Dear Other Busties,
I feel bad because I don't think I comment enough and try to help when Busties need advice or support. I used to be alot more helpful, but I have a very old and slow computer, so it's easier for me to just lurk or type one-liners. I also don't seem to have quite the attention span I used to.
Once I get settled in my new apartment, I will send you all big handmade postcards from San Francisco.
Jul 26 2006, 12:55 PM
so, we talked & stuff the other day.
ugly, but good.
you don't trust me, tho you say you do, and I don't trust you either.
we have Issues. a LOT of LOT of ISSUES. 10 YEARS of ISSUES even, but, we do still love each other and that is something.
we really need the counceling.
we've talked about all this before and that's as far as it goes but experience has shown us we screw back up again, despite our best intentions. someone who can help us naviagate reality while hopefully inflicting as little additional pain as possible. we need to face up to some stuffs, some really damn ugly stuffs, but we can't get past it if we don't work it through first , yes?
I partly don't know how I feel right now, there really is so-much-distrust-- even when you are being seemingly sweet. my mind still goes to dark places and I feel it isn't fair bc you might probably be genuine but then again, you've fooled me before. as I've fooled you.
butttttttt, last night.
what was that?
the kissing and snuggling and lovliness?
we never do that, ever anymore.
we play and wrestle and are goofy, but last night was nice.
like maybe just maybe?
I am leaning towards willingly traversing a strange new land with you, a place we can be better than we were before.
w/ a hopeful heart,
Jul 26 2006, 01:03 PM
((freckle))) glad you think you've found somthing worth fighting for!
Jul 26 2006, 03:00 PM
thankyou pixiedust, for all you've said and done.
hugs to you sisterfriend ((((((())))))))))
wow, you called back.
I left you that message bc it was the right thing to do, bc the watch really was a custom fit for you & your mr, and ok, bc these months I've missed your friendship.
but you know what? as "nice" as our catch up chat was today, it was also crystal clear why we're not friends anymore either. how tight was the rope around your neck? didn't you feel it choking you the more crap came out of your mouth? clearly you are delusional. but you know what, think what you want to think.
I know the real reason behind your mr's transfer, and if he told you he was notified in an email and that's what you want to believe even knowing you know better, more power to both of you. we all do whatever we have to, to get ourselves through each day.
I am so proud of myself for not giving even the tiniest bit of personal info on myself or our family to you today. shows old dogs Can learn finally. that you didn't ask (hello Rude) was just as well bc I probably would have surely stammered and lost my fragile cool.
I wish you nothing but the same energy you directed my way and nothing else beyond it~
Jul 26 2006, 03:55 PM
is it really necessary for you to be such a beeyotch? i mean, honestly. it was a minor mistake and it's neither appropriate nor is it your place to berate E for it.
Jul 27 2006, 07:03 AM
Now we all know that you know who Paulo Friere is, can you please shut the fuck up about it?
when you have an in class assignment and limited time to do it, it helps if you read the directions instead of not being able to shut the fuck up about what ever it is YOU want to talk about. When you are the professor and have your own class then y ou can drivel on and on about what ever it is you want.
we have just one day left for the love of G-d can we get through it without you constantly having to describe every way in which the coversation relates to something you've done. You are not as interesting nor as intelligent as you think you are. I didn't pay tuition to listen to your inane blather. Shut up already
Jul 27 2006, 12:07 PM
I cannot believe how consistently hypocritical and outlandish you are. Your ability to deflect any and all blame and refusal to recognize how complicit you are in this ongoing saga simply astounds me. It is almost shocking.
You villify someone that you constantly goad (out of a feeling of deservedness even) and are clearly obsessed with someone who has problems not too far off from the very ones that you have. You are obsessed with her and what she has and what you will NEVER have. Why else would you do nothing but drunkenly speak of this person ALL of the time to people who think you are nothing short of a complete moron? You are a joke. You are merely (and barely) tolerated and will never gain the acceptance you seek because of the fact that you are a drunken, self-pitying mess who clearly lacks any self-respect and has no life outside of the one you are so desperately trying to believe is not what it is- a situation of convenience. A classic whore turned into a housewife to help someone pay the bills. You know this deep down which is why you are so horribly insecure. You built your life around someone that does not respect you, who never expresses that he cares about you and more often than not, speaks of you as an obligation or a chore. These things that you believe are so amazing are simply duties to him. He says so. If you only knew.
I feel sorry for you. I really do. No one should be so devalued, taken for granted and used. I wish you could see that you deserve much better (we all do) than to have someone settle for you because they feel they have no other choice or options. If you are as great as you think you are, why in the world would you continue to accept such disregard?
Forget about the boat, the summer house and face the fact that your life is such a spectacle because YOU, yes you, MAKE IT ONE. If you could have restrained from blabbing about things, trying so hard to mark your territory and burning bridges that you shouldn't have a long time ago, you would find more acceptance and not be the brunt of such disdain and ridicule. Believe me, as much as you think I'm against you, I am one of the more kind ones out of those who dislike you. I see the bigger picture and wish this could be better for everyone, including you.
The people you think are your friends and confidants are not. They are tired of you and constantly express their disgust for your behavior. You should be very careful with who you trust. So many people think you are a complete mess that they have lost their ability to even sympathize with your problems. You have become a social soap opera, your relationship is a car wreck that people cannot get enough of because YOU, yes you, helped make it that way.
People are much more tolerant and forgiving when they see human pain or suffering and have respect for the persons involved. When you behave like such a public fool and then cry "victimization" and scapegoat others, they lose respect and no longer feel the need to protect you or care for you. Instead, they don't care, can't offer you any support and, more unfortunately, in worst case scenarios, want to see you fail.
Yes, you dealt with some crap, but until you recognize how poorly you did and have handled so many things, you will never do anything more but accept the shit you are given.
It must be hard to live everyday waiting for the bottom to fall out. That kind of insecurity is very unhealthy and must motivate your attention-seeking behaviors. Don't you know if you felt valued, if you believed the relationship was something more than convenience and were treated with the respect you deserved, you would not feel so desperate and behave in such a comical and sadly pathetic way.
Get help. Respect yourself. Be the independent strong person you think you are. Recognize the enemy isn't who you think it is. You will always have these issues because the bigger problem is your low self-esteem, your lack of a life outside of your relationship and the fact that you know he would leave you if he could. You are in a shitty, shitty place and need to take some responsibility for putting yourself there.
I really wish I could tell you this. You need to hear this from someone who does really care, even though you think I don't. Maybe someday, but for now, this is where these words will have to stay.
Jul 27 2006, 08:13 PM
Why do you persist on keeping me in the loop of your personal life when I have explicitly told you I'm not interested? I can't cut you off entirely, as I often wish I could, because of work. But I can maintain the invisible bubble around me and remember the mantra that I thank goddess you are not my boyfriend. And I can feel compassion for your girlfriend who does think you're all she deserves.
Grateful I'm leaving town for a few weeks and won't have to see your narcissitic face for a while,
Jul 28 2006, 12:55 PM
HI. Here is my friendship. It means: we are silly, not cute. we check out people for each other. we talk about important things in detail. we don't prove our respective coolness to each other because we both have none.
HI. Here is my not friendship. It means I think about your dick at work. It means I need to impress you with anything, everything. It means the above in its purist form is invalid. It means that my attempts at showing you my lamenss are fruitless and awkward.
HI. There you are. I don't know anything. I want you as a contact/friend. I visit you. I sleep on the couch. You introduce me to Hot Friend. We talk about life and feelings. We get drunk and run around singing songs in your house, and then fall asleep separately.
But you're closed, you're just a good time, which is not a good time in the end.
My friendship, HERE. Take this.
Jul 28 2006, 07:18 PM
Yes that's my new nickname for you since you've shown a pattern of firing people for no reason other than not liking them. Believe it or not, people are a bit afraid of you these days. We're all a bit paranoid that you're going to launch one of your campaigns against us and ruin one or all of our careers just because we don't approach life and work exactly as you do. So when you sent me that snarky e-mail to me today, you know what I wanted to say in return? What 'cha gonna do? Fire me? But I didn't. I didn't say anything. Your problem is not my problem. Unless of course you want to fire me. In which case, just F!@#$ing do it already. Why don't you take a ride on the stupid bus, not-so-funny man?
Jul 29 2006, 12:08 PM
i miss you. i miss having you live near me. hell, i miss living in the same COUNTRY that you do. so so so many new and different and huge changes are happening/have happened in both of our lives. i wish that i could talk to you as often as we used to without it costing a fortune.
i'm sorry about pepi. that has to hurt the mister. a LOT. hell, i'm sad, and i haven't lived with her for years, the way that you two have.
i'm THRILLED that you will be moving closer to mr. hotbuns. he needs people to be around, to get him out of his black hole. you and @ can do that. i hope that your schedules let you visit him often. and drag bike boy and light with you. they can do it, too.
thank you for keeping me young. thank you for being a part of my life. thank you for loving me. i know that it isn't obligatory, just because we share blood.
i love you up to the sky and back,
i'm happy for you. i really am. i know that this is what you wanted, and worked for, and that it shows that your company appreciates you. you deserve it.
BUT. (don't you hate that there are always those frelling BUTs????) it doesn't make being away from you any easier. in fact, it takes you further away. i miss you. i will keep missing you. and i know that i will miss you more before i miss you less.
please make it as easy as you can for me.
i wish that i didn't understand.
dear zit by my right eye,
i HATE you. you rotten little white round hard thing, you.
will you PLEASE disappear into the deep dark vast firey pits of hell? i'm waaaaaaaaaaaay too old for you.
Jul 31 2006, 07:45 AM
I do love you. And I am trying to do what's best for you. But I'm scared. For all it looks to you like I'm in control and getting things done and being so patient with you, in reality I'm terrified that once you're here I'll lose my patience. Partly that's because of history - I've become more patient in the last two years because having a child makes you do that. But as the last five days with DW show, that patience still has limits, and what follows when those limits are crossed is not pretty. I might be worrying about nothing. I hope I am. I want to help you and do what's best for you and for everybody. But that doesn't make me any less scared.
I'm trying to do what's right. You know that. Please help me continue being patient with my mother, through all that has to be done in the next three weeks and into the hard months to follow. I'm really worrying here.
Do the lot of us a favor and don't be a prick when we go up to move Mom and Grandpa down here. You're already showing that you still think that you're the only adult in the bunch. Don't make me have to go smackdown on your head. It'll be ugly, and Mom doesn't need to see that right now. One day we'll have it out, but let's get through this move before it happens, and then we can address it some other time. How you came to think you're more mature/adult/in-charge/qualified than me I'll never know. Well, I do, but being fifteen years older really isn't that much, especially when you've acted like a child all your life and I hardly ever have. Both your siblings know that I'm more qualified to run this show, but your stupid ego won't admit it. I've never been impressed with you and never will be, but I can try to keep the gloves on and get through this move in peace if you can, and then I'll be happy to lay the smackdown on you at some point in the future, once things are settled and I've got time to give you the proper ass ripping you deserve.
Oh, and two points:
1) I'm a fucking CPA, and your incompetent lawyer ass once cost me three grand I couldn't afford to lose. Ever say anything along the lines of "you work in bookkeeping" to me again, and I'll rip your fucking face off.
2) Actually, in point of fact, I DO think you're a bad parent. Quite awful in fact. Your child's behavior is your own damn fault, so don't give me that bullshit.
There are no words to describe how angry I am with you right now. I take that back - there are words, but I vented them all at my loving husband - your son - last night and don't feel like regurgitating it again. Suffice it to say, you pushed me to my breaking point this weekend, and I've had enough. I know full well that one day you'll go too far and I'll actually rip into you. And I won't be sorry. You've pushed and pushed and pushed, and so far I've taken it. But did you notice the silent treatment I gave you the last two hours you were here? That was to prevent me giving you a verbal face bashing. One more word out of you and I would have, and I sincerely doubt I would have regretted it. See, your son agrees with me. And he's the only person whose opinion matters to me as far as my actions toward you are concerned. So back off, and shut up. Because that thing you're standing on? My LAST. fucking nerve. And one more step will unleash hounds of Hell's fury like you've never seen.
MY house. MY stuff. MY child. MY way of doing things. Catch that? MINE. I may sound like my two-year-old, but unlike the child who's just trying to learn his way in the world, I know what's truly mine and what's not, and I know that some things I don't have to share. The right to run my own fucking house the way I see fit is one of them. So step off, or your return next week will not be the pretty ending you envision. Your own son yelled at you yesterday because you wouldn't stop interfering, and he's the easy-going one. Push me again next week, and take this to heart - I'll end you.
Jul 31 2006, 05:09 PM
dear you -
you're f**ing pissing me off and I wish I could fire you. But it would cost me more to fire you than to keep you on for the next two weeks. I thought you wanted to do this work. Why did you just not tell me up front that you did not, instead of leading me to believe you were into it? I just wasted a week chasing your ass and trying to work things out so you could help with this stuff.
you've kinda f**ed me on this.
dear everyone -
I HAVE TOO MUCH ON MY PLATE!!!!!
Jul 31 2006, 06:40 PM
thanks for putting up with my long-winded, self-absorbed posts. sometimes i feel like such a tool when i read them.
i love you all.
well... most of you at least. eep!
ok, so technically i guess i just sent this, but still...
Aug 1 2006, 12:12 AM
Housemate, okay so I thought we were friends. You sometimes pick me up from work, and I really dig that especially being it's been like 100 degrees lately. But when I talk about the new boy, must you been an evil cunt about it and always shoot him down? I'm in the throws of total lust over him, and the fact that he sent me a lovely letter/cd is really fucking cool. Show some support, you evil bitch. I know that your man is a dick,and it's a total jeolously thing, but at least be happy for me.
Apartment gods, please bless thee with an apartment in the fall. So sick of living with housemates. Preferrly one that is near public transit, has some utilities, and allows me to get a kitty.
Job gods, please let me stay so I can get a raise.
Boy, I love you. There. I said it. I know you don't know it yet, and I will tell you eventually. Please don't hurt me. It would be too much for me to bear. I really dig that you would write me such a letter. I know it's old fashion to write, but being we have to deal with the distance thing, it's the best way to know eachother (shit, we've only been on 5 real dates....). So hope that I eventually get to be yours.
Eddie Izzard, why aren't you mine?
Aug 1 2006, 03:32 AM
Dear Mr HMCHH -
get your fine ass over here so I can give you a working over! Say yes to my little invitation and we'll have some fun - or at least come to visit in October.
Hot damn, I want a piece of that again!
oh yeah, and I still do want to get to be friends so keep dropping in to say hi. It's nice. And maybe lets talk a little more.
ok..... basically just get your fine ass over here.
Aug 1 2006, 06:39 AM
I'm writing here because I'm not sure it's my place to comment on the following IRL. Also I refuse to contradict you in front of her; she gets enough mixed messages already.
But please: don't tell her to lie to her mother or anyone else. That's a crap thing to do to any kid IMO and I can't see how it's justifiable. Especially as in one case it was to cover your own flakiness. Not on!
Don't snap at her when you've gotten up late and are anxious about getting the show on the road. It is not her fault so don't take out your anxieties on her (or on me btw, but I am an adult so can [usually] handle it better).
Don't use rummaging through the food cupboard as an excuse to bitch me out about what we do or do not have in stock. If you have a problem with me, tell me privately. Don't give me thinly veiled shit in front of her. It's petty.
Don't you dare try and guilt me again about what I should be doing. I wasn't brought up Catholic and that shit does not work on me.
You could have played down your current work sitch instead of almost boasting about it in front of her. She loves and admires you already; focus on her instead of going on about the other.
Learn to fucking multitask, instead of saying how you can't. Most parents do it all the time. I'm not one and I can do it.
I love you to bits and am looking forward to next week. But I had to get that off my chest so it didn't suffocate me.
love to both of you,
Aug 1 2006, 07:11 AM
Dear digestive system,
Sorry I haven't been eating as many veggies as I should. But I hear you now, okay? I get it. So pleaseplease pretty please calm down. I have things to do today.
Aug 1 2006, 01:00 PM
Look here, boobs,
It's bad enough that you are large and in charge, but you really do not have to perk up at the slightest temperature change. I work with men. Come on.
Fuck you and the computer you typed in on. I hope your power goes out for a few days.