Jan 11 2010, 08:26 AM
Dear Universe -
just trying to trust you, here.... it's been proved to me in the past that everything is part of the big picture, and to just flow along with it. You are looking out for me ultimately. I'm trying to be zen and not force my will upon anything. But please keep my desires in mind?
Jan 12 2010, 10:45 AM
I'm sending you this letter to remind you that HEY GUESS WHAT?! I ACTUALLY DO EXIST!
What am I talking about, you ask? Well, here's the thing. I'm not materialistic in the least. Not at all. If my house burned down tomorrow and all I could get out were me and my furbabies, well I would be just fine and dandy with that. However, it pisses me off to no end when you call me at Christmas and tell me you're going to mail me something (this was on Christmas Day) and it's now....January 12th!....and I still haven't received anything. But wait! Here's the kicker - my stepsister (and her husband!) got her (their) gifts on DECEMBER 16TH! She isn't even your biological daughter! DO YOU SEE HOW FUCKED UP THIS IS?!
Again. I don't care about material things. A card would suffice - albeit, I'd like it to be ON TIME FOR ONCE. I shouldn't be surprised. I shouldn't let this affect me. After all, there were times AS A CHILD when I didn't see a birthday or Christmas gift from you - but every one of my stepsiblings did, no matter what, and they aren't even yours! You have got to be fucking kidding me. I'm so sick and tired of this that I could vomit. And I hate being mean to you but I'm so disgusted that I don't even care anymore.
It's obvious that they mean a hell of a lot more to you than I do. And that's fine. But you know what? When you chose their mother over mine all those years ago now, you should've just kept going and forgotten all about me, too. Last night my mother asked me if it would be better if you had died (in her opinion it wouldn't've been), but I think it would have. See, when you're dead, you can't come see me. You can't send me things. You can't call me. So it's kind of pointless to get mad at a dead person. But you? You're alive. You've had every opportunity in the world to see me and spend time with me and everything and you chose people who've treated me like shit my whole life instead of me, the person you should've chosen.
So I'm done.
Blame only yourself.
P.S. Don't you dare call me to tell me about S having a baby because I don't give a fuck. I had to find out indirectly from someone else over Facebook. So fuck off with that news. I'm going to be an aunt to my best friend's forthcoming baby, not hers. She can go rot for all I care, her and her stupid baby. If that sounds childish, I don't care. I'm through being the mature person in this shitshow of a family.
(I honestly might send this because I'm so enraged and none of them get the point when I tell them how much I can't stand them. I usually do it sobbing. Maybe it will be better if I'm sarcastic and screaming.)
Jan 13 2010, 06:08 PM
Dear Universe -
Jan 13 2010, 07:59 PM
I am sick and tired of the little jibes. Next time you say something that pisses me off I may snap. Don't be all fucking surprised!
Please let me do well Friday
Jan 13 2010, 09:59 PM
The next time you come in my office and accuse one of my staff of leaving the butter out on the counter... I will seriously consider accidentally smearing the fucking butter on something of yours.
P.S. - You know we all call you FuckFace behind your back, right?
Jan 14 2010, 03:41 PM
This fucking rocks.
Jan 15 2010, 09:04 PM
Fuck you. You broke my heart. And I'm pretty sure you were using me. If you didn't want a relationship here's a couple of things you could've done differently: not spent the night with me every single time you visited me, especially the nights you had to be at work at 6:30 the next morning and especially since you live one block away. Not brought me a care package as I was working on my last final. Not given me anything for Christmas (since we were barely even dating at that point. I didn't get you anything!). Not spent New Year's Eve all alone with me, ditching your other friends so you could just be with me.
Every single time I've ever been dumped I've sensed something changing in the relationship, some unhappiness on the guy's part. Not with you. You seemed goddamned thrilled with me up til the very last second. So again I say fuck you.
Jan 18 2010, 07:10 AM
Jan 18 2010, 10:41 AM
Quit fucking with me. Please.
Please quit admitting members of my family (or in-laws) in your hospitals for awhile. This has been a triple header this weekend with Bailey, mom, and dad-in-law. Just stop.
I never really liked you much but figured that I would only have to see you once in a while. Now all this family drama about blackmailing, money, etc has gotten to me. I'm so happy Mcgeek got out of this weird clan we he did. I'm amazed he doesn't just stop talking completely to them. Then again, I don't blame him. Matt still owes it over a lot of money, and is lying to our faces. His wife could be a whore, and the mom is clinically depressed but won't seek treatment b/c she's giving all her money to her son to take care of her sick grandchild.
I know the wedding will be a total blur, but I'm really happy I don't have to see you very much. You make my family look normal. I'm just so happy we're not up there right now to directly deal with this shit.
Jan 18 2010, 11:02 AM
Fuck Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! I will disappear for a while because you've been such a fucking tit lately.
Jan 18 2010, 07:33 PM
Knowing you has made me a little sad. I told your dog that I liked her, but that I didn't think I wanted to see her master again. I felt sad because you were not what I was looking for, but I was hanging out because I really missed having someone to snuggle even though you were not a snuggler. Also, I loved your name. A is my imaginary boyfriend's name and I loved calling out your name in bed. I should have left that morning after you seemed upset that I am expressive when you are not, after I called you out on your homophobic remarks and dude, you asked me to cut off your skin tabs! Gross!
I think it bothers me that even though I know I could do so much better, I was just hanging because you were there and I have a hard time being the breaker upper. So, thanks for having the balls to tell me. It taught me that even though I am getting better at it, I need to learn how to truly take care of myself. I wish you the best.
Jan 19 2010, 06:01 PM
I am so happy to hear the news. Now it just needs to come from you. Please tell me so I can congradulate you for making the right decision. I am on your side and will be there now that you have kicked his ass to the curb. Please make it permanent. Please.
Jan 20 2010, 09:46 AM
Dear Lost Boy,
I am jealous of your girlfriend. I am jealous she gets to wake up next to you, I am jealous .
I am getting over it, but it isn't easy. I just have to remember that we both want different things when it comes to partners. I want an adult--especially for a fling--while you want what the Voyagers called a "winter wife;" someone to cook, clean and get you off without complaint. I wish I could be what you wanted, just like I wish you could be what I want.
Dear AZ Guy,
Can we please have this conversation about our future in the next couple days? I do not want to be the one who is making all the decisions here because quite frankly, my judgment hasn't been the best in the past. Remember Wyoming? I can offer you my thoughts, what I've found for options, but I need input from you.
Jan 20 2010, 09:26 PM
There are a number of things I really like about you, but I don't think we should hang out anymore. I have a crush on you and I cannot deal with having a crush on anyone right now. I just had my heart broken, and right now I feel too vulnerable and spazzy and crazy to bring anything positive to anyone (not to mention I'd rather not completely self-destruct).
In addition, I feel like our first date went really well but our second date - if you can call it that- was a complete disaster. That is not my style, and I have a number of good reasons for that not being my style. Not least of which is that I like to remember what I did on any given night, and although the evidence suggests our night together was pretty fucking hot, I wish I would've waited a bit longer for things to get sexual.
Also, the fact that you won't give me details about the parts I can't remember leads me to believe that you are the exact type of manipulative asshole that I am trying to avoid.
I miss our friendship. I'm over you and I don't wish we were lovers again, but I do wish we were friends. I miss our incredible amount of in-jokes and the fact that you knew almost everything about me and liked almost everything about me. I wish we could hang out again and just be friends. I think it might even work, if we took sex out of the mix. I know that it's unlikely we'll ever be friends, though. I won't contact you because you asked me not to, and you won't contact me because you probably think I'm still in love with you.
Thanks, by the way. Thanks for ending it when I couldn't. You taught me a lot. I forgive you.
Jan 22 2010, 10:09 AM
I dislike you immensely. That is all.
Jan 27 2010, 07:34 AM
Please, please get me through this last hurdle unscathed. I have vowed not to veer from desperate scenario to desperate scenario despite my nearest and dearest's predilection for drama instead of productivity. I am working so hard and well. I am doing my absolute best here. Please let this be okay.
I know you don't know how this works. I know you have problems with pressure. I haven't given you a hard time because I don't actually respect you enough to talk to you as a thinking adult. However, now your actions may have an enormous impact on the next year of my life, and you don't even understand how that works or how that might feel. I don't expect you to. What I would like you to do is apply some thought to your next action here. If you come through and sign off I will forgive all the unnecessary stress you have caused me and will simply hope you learn a bit more about how your profession works.
If however you cause me to lose a year, through your own ineptitude, I will make sure you get yours. In your career, in your personal life, in every aspect I can. I will enlist scary help to do so. You don't deserve any of the responsibility you have.
I already hate you. Don't compound it.
Jan 29 2010, 12:24 PM
You are now off the hook. Cheers.
Jan 31 2010, 12:58 PM
Dear person this is to,
You are horrible. This whole week I remembered why I never tried to get in contact with you. You are selfish and can not see past your own needs and interests. I remember when you stayed up all night when I was trying to sleep and when I asked to to keep it down it was a burden on you. I remember how you stole from people who didn't give you what you wanted from them, sex, attention, validation, ect. I was younger, so I let it go.
This week you didn't contact me until you needed something. You came in to town to see me, but you stayed with the guy you were fucking until he bored you,. That is when you wanted to hang with me. You had no ability to do the things you wanted to do in town alone and I am guessing you felt rejected when I was unable to be there for you because I had to work. When I was too tired to go out last night you pretty much threw a tantrum. My insecurities told me that because I am in recovery from abuse that it was me being selfish because I wanted to go to sleep and take care of myself instead of hanging out with a friend I no longer felt a connection with. When I tried to talk and apologize and to try to see things from your point of view you were still in defensive mode ready to argue. I went out to make you happy and I drank because i really didn't want to be there with you.
When you lost a piece of jewelry that you knew I loved soon afterwards, I told you how sad it made me that you were not careful with something that meant a lot to me. You slammed the car door after saying "This whole night sucked! Fuck you!". I very much believe that you stole it because you were angry at me for not being able to be there when you wanted me to. I told you in advance my schedule and you kept telling me that "I sprung it on you".
Your actions hurt me and when you texted soon after the car door slamming telling me that you loved me and that you were just tired I recognized it as part of the cycle of abuse. I told you it was OK to humor you so that you won't try to hurt me in other ways. Your anger scares me and I have no intention of ever seeing you again or letting you near anything or anyone I care about. I hope you heal from your own abuse and learn to be able to be alone and take care of yourself and never try to make anyone feel bad for wanting to care for their needs first.
Seriously. You need to learn to make better choices of who you let in your life. You have been through so much and have amazing strength, but finding friends and lovers who are people of substance and character is not one of them right now. You deserve to have quality people in your life who will not hurt you and are available. I know somewhere you believe that these people are out there, but learning to comfortable with feeling lonely might be part of this process. You already have made some serious steps to getting there and in a few months I am sure you will look back and see even more progress.
Hang in there,
Jan 31 2010, 02:30 PM
Dear Universe -
I have no idea where the fuck this is leading me, but I'm here, and I'm following this stuff and really trying to remember that you have the best in mind for me. I know you're taking me out of the way of a lot of shit, and overall making it easier for me in a lot of areas. Doesn't mean it makes it feel good, though. I'm really curious to see what the big picture is, and I'm just hanging in there and doing this. Parts of me are afraid, most of me is talking myself through it. I don't really have much choice. I asked, you provided. I jumped. It's the only thing I know to do that has never failed me. I just am looking forward to what this is all about being revealed. Meanwhile I'll keep working on this stuff. It's all I know to do.
Feb 1 2010, 09:22 AM
Feb 1 2010, 05:29 PM
If you want to play video games to distract you from the grief that's okay. He was your dog. Please just do not yell at me when I'm figuring out wedding details okay? I know you don't seem to care as much as I do, but we're getting married in 40 something days, and there's a lot of my mind.
However, the grief won't go away in just one day. Know that.
I love you.
Your soon to be wife
Even though I only knew you briefly, you were a great happy dog. I keep hearing your bark, and think I'm going mad. We did the best we could the last year of your life, and made extreme financial measures because we loved you and gave you as much unconditional love as we could.
The house is too still without you. Please say hello to Cher the dog, Spikey the cat, and Brett the other dog. I hope that wherever you are there are many doggie treats, and you're not longer in pain. I miss you, and I know Mcgeek does. He just doesn't want to admit to it.
Please! Please make 2010 better. I'm sick of dealing with an sick mother who seems to be getting sick for show, I have a great wedding to plan, and my birthday is coming up. No more weird shit okay? At least get me to March 15th.
I'm trying to go with the flow as always, but too many road bumps lately. Oh yeah, having to kill our dog? Not really great!!
Chill the fuck out woman. I love you a lot, but I can't handle the crying phone calls three times a day. Just call your therapist and book an appointment like the rest of us. I just ask to get your fucking bridesmaids dress so I can stop bugging you. I get it. You're broke. So is everyone else, and your son works at a shop where you can get a discount. Go there. I'm sick of hearing about your ex, the drama that's involved in that, etc etc.
Breathe. Smile. Relax. Laugh. Have much sex.
Feb 2 2010, 04:41 PM
Please look past the fact that I haven't had a job interview for at least 7 years, and any stupid stuff that may come out of my mouth as a result. You don't have to offer me the job (although it would be much appreciated if you did), just please go easy on me so I don't walk out tomorrow feeling like a complete idiot.
It would be nice to get the job, but it's not as if your life depends on it so try not to get yourself worked-up as if it did.
Feb 2 2010, 05:29 PM
*~*~*job vibes for funnybird*~*~*
Feb 3 2010, 07:01 AM
Thanks stargazer! It went okay - at least I didn't sabotage my chances by saying anything too dumb.
See! You're more capable than you think.
Feb 3 2010, 11:41 AM
Just rest up. Your body has been thru a lot lately. Don't worry about the wedding, don't worry about whatever the hell Mcgeek is going thru, etc.
Feb 3 2010, 01:06 PM
Dear Self, Mrs. Rouge,
You are beautiful!
Thank you for giving me the best years of your life. You and I were thrown together by the universe. I needed a reason to live, you needed love, food shelter, and a place to belong. When we were brought together I made a promise to you to take care of you the rest of your days. I know that feeling sad about losing you means that I have fulfilled my promise. It means I gave to you all that you needed. I'm making two final promises to you. I will not prolong your suffering, when it is clear that you wish to rejoin the stars, I will let you go. I also promise to hold your body in my arms when it is time for your spirit to depart.
Feb 3 2010, 02:31 PM
Feb 5 2010, 06:03 PM
you do not need to speak about her that way. especially to me. I understand how frustrated you are but that is not okay.
calm the fuck down, I am handling it. If you think you can do better, fly up here and fix it. there is little we can do at this point and are doing the best we can.
Once the dust settles, I am going to take some time to myself and everyone else can go fuck themselves.
Feb 5 2010, 06:36 PM
Dear Everything -
I am sober and you can still fuck off.
I'm not dissing the universe though, I know everything will work out the right way.
But I'm frustrated all to fuck and I still feel like saying fuck everything.
Feb 6 2010, 12:47 PM
Please help me learn how to make friends as a grown-up. I really need some cool people to hang with.
Everything you say scares me, but I really like what you have to say. I am hoping I will learn to understand more.
Feb 9 2010, 11:33 AM
Dear work mate,
you are not my boss, I don't answer to you. Fuck off.
P.S. you chew loud and it's disgusting and country music fucking sucks so turn it the fuck down.
Feb 10 2010, 09:15 AM
Letters from cranky-land!
Dear boy from the past,
See how I've added other mutual acquaintances but not you? That'll be down to you. Despite increasing indicators to the contrary, FB is, at least nominally for me, still friends-only. I am especially bemused that you'll see I added a certain someone who I know about as well, but always thought was far more interesting than your 'artistic' and angsty ass.
No hard feelings but you could have done better.
Best, Me (from afar)
If you don't want us to be friends, that's okay. But don't be CCing me into invites then K?
P.S. Why can't Irish people just say what the F they mean already?
I'm thinking of you. Honest.
Thanks for vastly improving my day yesterday. You are awesome.
Feb 13 2010, 10:48 PM
Dear BD, I am still seething about that txt message you had the gall to send me. I would love to respond to you, but I know it would get ugly pretty quickly, and I don't think that's in anyone's best interest. You got exactly what you wanted, and you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into, and I see no reason for you to complain to me. I have no compassion for you anymore anyway, so it won't get you too far. None of my actions have anything to do with you. Every time I think about you and what you said, anger overtakes me, and it makes me want to lash out at you even more. The reasons I'm not staying involved are for me and have nothing to do with you or your feelings.
Feb 14 2010, 02:26 PM
You are a selfish asshole. This is the absolute wrong time to take a vacation from your responsibilities. It's killing p and m not to mention F. It was heart breaking to see her in such a state while you are out doing G-d knows what with G-d knows who. All I want to do now is be there for p, m and f. you and G and the other E can all go fuck yourselves.
I hope you remember the blue sky, the cold air and the snow angels that we made together. I hope you remember that when you said " Help me" I gave you my hand and said " You can do this yourself" and you did. You stopped asking for help and said " Give me your hand" and I did. When you said help me, I gave you my hand. I hope this is what you remember. I hope you forget asking where is mommy and that I couldn't answer you because my eyes welled up . I hope you remember summersalts on grandmas bed. I hope you remember going up the stairs , the balloon that grandpa drew on and that when you asked , I gave you my hand. I will always have my hand out all you have to do is reach for it. always
Feb 14 2010, 06:00 PM
that was a beautiful letter to F. It made me cry.
Feb 14 2010, 07:14 PM
Missladyj, What a beautiful letter. It really teared me up. I hope F is able to remember you are there.
(((missladyj & F)))
Feb 15 2010, 02:40 PM
You have not read ONE WORD of that mail i sent you. I am so done with you guys acting ike diva's. R and i have put a lot of time in this event, the text for publishing has to be in tomorrow, and now you change plans? We work in the grid of an ongoing exhibition programme, EVERYTHING HAS TO BE ACCOUNTED FOR. When the theme is eastern europe, you do not change the idea into something else.
There's a CURATOR. SHE HAS TO AGREE WITH EVERYTHING and we are trying our best to work out something that will please all. YOU CANNOT JUMP IN AND SPOUT YOUR IDEAS and then expect we reorganize everything around you guys. I will not engage in an endless discussion where everyone shouts and no one is heard. It's about eastern europe. It's about comics, but in a broader sense because we're working with a curator who has her entire yearly programme based on conceptual art. That is hard, but we're lobbying like mad and we try to get the job done. We put free time and effort into this. STOP SABOTAGING. EITHER YOU'RE IN OR YOU'RE OUT. I don't give a shit anymore.
Seriously, when do you people learn to take a step back for real???? It's NOT all about you.
i can't believe i have to deal with this while sick at home with an infected throat.
Thanks for thinking about yourselves and not give a shit about the others.
Feb 16 2010, 05:45 PM
I know you are a baby, but my day doesn't start at 5 am. Please just sleep though the night.
Feb 16 2010, 06:47 PM
Dear Tree, Star and Futura
Feb 16 2010, 11:00 PM
don't do what i think you are going to do. don't, ok? chill the fuck out and give me something to feel good about. preferably fast.
Feb 17 2010, 04:51 AM
Wow. Just wow. Who the fuck do you guys think you are? Clearly the faux-celeb status has risen to your head. Just becuase you don't get your way you try to torpedo our plan. Whatever.
Just don't be a part of this awesome thing we're working on, ok? Saves us the headache.
Don't you think that mid-thirties and grey hairs should go with some maturity? Grow up, you're not 25 anymore.
Feb 18 2010, 06:41 PM
Dear F -
Thanks, you fucking asshole, for telling me when I showed you how much definition my arms are getting from my work outs, that I should work out my mid section first before worrying about my arms. Yeah, so I know that I've gotten pretty out of shape the last couple years, but jesus christ. I know this, you know I"m sensitive about it. I've just about gotten to the point where I accept the fact that it's the hardest place to make headway on, thus will take the longest to get rid of - and now you decide to point out that Im fucking out of shape. Way to go, instead of congratulating me on my headway, which is fucking AWESOME, you asshole. Oh yeah - you're not mean, you're "just being honest," cause you "don't ever bullshit." Well guess what? I hate fucking "honest" people like you. You're not fucking honest, you're just fucking MEAN. You sure as shit don't know how to be a good friend, you shithead.
Feb 19 2010, 04:10 AM
F. Just F, no dear.
Fuck you! FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR! That was a shitty thing to have said to Zoya. Are you retarded or just a completely insensitive cockbite? I'm a truth speaker, too, but I also know that there is such a thing as not being a dick just to be a dick. So once again, FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU RIGHT IN THE EAR WITH A BIG PINK RUBBER COCK!
P.S. Had you said that to me, I'd have knocked you down & smothered you with my great fat belly.
Feb 19 2010, 08:10 AM
Hit F the next time he says that. Maybe you should "just be honest" about the size of his peanut dick or useless little man ego.
If you said that to me, I'd take my friend's truck and run over you.
Feb 21 2010, 04:08 PM
AAARRRGGHHHH! Fuckity fuckity fuckity fuck fuck fuck fuck.
You knew this was coming. You should have prepared yourself for it.
Pull your socks up.
Feb 21 2010, 08:48 PM
Why are you letting your insecurities get the better of you? You fucking rock and fuck 'em if they don't have the balls to put you above the others, cause that's where you belong. So stop sliding into that mode. Stop it.
ps - you're going to do fine tomorrow. Breathe.
Feb 22 2010, 11:34 AM
((Zoya)) That F-person is a total jackass.
P.S. You rock.
Feb 22 2010, 02:23 PM
Dear Husband and In-laws,
To be honest, I think you're all being "a bit weird". It's a baby, not state secret.
Yours in bafflement,
Feb 22 2010, 04:23 PM
please please please try harder to accept yourself. its been rough lately but you can't keep letting things and comments get you down. you are always going to be a small, tiny girl. that doesn't necessarily mean theres something wrong with you, you've always been this way. so what you're never going to be that tall, curvaceous hour-glass figure you've always wanted to be? so what you're never going to be the type to turn heads when you walk in the room, you don't want that attention on you anyways. people like you how you are, at least someone does. you have a tiny body, but it could be a lot worse. you are pretty healthy, and you should just be thankful for your health. try to be more positive.
Feb 22 2010, 05:44 PM
zoya, you are awesome and cool and have so much going for you.
And I hate assholes who say they're "just being honest." No, they're being rude assholes, and CH is right, just be "honest" about his tiny dick or any of his insecurities. Who is he to say those things?!
buttercups, there is nothing wrong with being a small, tiny girl. It's unique and beautiful and it's you. The idea of the tall hourglass woman as sexy is cliched. Lots of short, tiny women are sexy as hell and get attention because of their confidence and charisma. You are wonderful in your own cool self.