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Dear family,

I have made my decision but I still fear your judgement or disappointment. I feel defensive because I feel you may judge me on this, but I know this is the right decision for me. It feels too flashy, too dramatic to fly in like this when for all those years I didn't make the trip. It feels to me this says: we can get the resources together when it really matters. I should have gotten the resources together when it mattered more and seen her more. I'm dealing with how I feel about that, but scooting over for 3 days is not going to fix that for me.

I am glad you are going and really hope you are happy to be going too. I appreciate your offers of help but feel manipulated by them too, as if the cost of the tickets is leverage for persuading me. I accept I am not being wholly rational about this; all I know is I am grieving and working and trying to get everything done and not lose my mind in the process. Let me do this, and in turn I will try and be as supportive as I can from here.

Love you both. Please understand. Love, Me

Dear family,

Thank you; I feel I can breathe easier now. I'm so glad and relieved you understand.

Love you so much, Me
Dear Santa,

Please bring me a monkey for Christmas. I know this is a strange request, especially coming from a twenty-five-year-old woman, but hear me out.

If you get me a monkey for Christmas it would save me a lot of time and stress at work. Why you ask? Because most of the tasks that I'm given are something that monkey could do! I'm not kidding! So if you get me a monkey for Christmas I'd be a lot happier in my professional and personal life. And I think the monkey would be happy to because imagine the praise that it'd get! People here would love it! And it'd get lots of treats too, since people are always bringing in food and we have a lot of catered events. It'd be the happiest monkey on earth. True story.

Okay, so that's what I want for Christmas. A monkey. Because I can't stand doing this kind of mindless crap anymore!

With Love & Cookies!
Dear Santa / Hannukah Harry,

If you could double that monkey order and drop one off at my place, it would be very much appreciated.

Also needed: tomato juice, vodka, celery, tabasco sauce, horseradish, and some vegetarian Worcester sauce. Oh and some nice olives. I'll share.

Dear Old Man Winter,

I know you just arrived - and are not even officially here yet - but please go away. My lips are so dry and my hair is so static-y and I can't stand it! I don't think I can take oh, five more months of this. It'd be great if you would just pack up and go home now.

Dear S,

You are a man and I am a Lesbian. It'll never happen.

Dear Self
Stop procrastinating and get shit done! Seriously!

Stop comparing yourself to other people!

Take the vitamins and get on with it, they are supposed to help but take time they will NOT work immediately!

Clean up, seriously, clean up!

(((Sybarite))) I'm glad your family was understanding.

Dear Men In My Life (Supervisors, Colleagues, Random Joes),

You are completely draining. Do you really need that *much* attention? Are you really that greedy with female attention? Really? I'm sorry to break it to you. But, you are not that interesting. Those *great ideas or opinions* you have (insert sarcasm) aren't really that innovative. You are not as interesting as you *think* you are. I do not want to hear your supposed great ideas or opinions. I actually have thoughts of mine own, thank you. Women are not empty receptacles waiting to be filled with your ideas, opinions, and/or guidance. I am not just sitting here wondering what I should do with my life. So, don't waste my time with your trifling issues. Don't talk to me while I'm working out. Here is a newsflash, when I'm not looking at you or engaging you in conversation, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN YOU OR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.

I'm not looking for a father figure. I do not need to be told what to do. No, I don't need to know what type of program I should do on the elliptical machine to burn off a certain number of calories. No, I don't need to be told to wear my winter boots in this weather. I have 2 fathers and I'm not advertising for a third. If you are the type of man who needs to feel needed by a woman being completely dependent on you, then know we will not get along. I am mature and capable of asking for help unlike you. I know I have created the life I want for myself through my own awareness that I need others to help me in life without acting passive aggressively. Yup, I can be a mature woman. Surprise!

Know that, I value my individuality, thoughts, feelings, and if my being is not being received by you, then I have no problem NOT talking with you. I wish I was the type of woman who can pacify this type of behavior, but, I can't and I WON'T. I will snap at you. I just can't fake it. I have too much respect for myself as a woman.


(((for all the other Busties who have posted in here...I want a monkey too!)))
SG, your post reminds me of a random dude at the pool who used to comment on my swimming technique. I didn't know him from Adam and I was busy, um, swimming and not there to chat. Who chats when exercising half-dressed in lycra anyway??

Also, thanks smile.gif It was a rough few days there and I had no energy/time to post further.
Dear self,
For god's sake, ease up on yourself. So last night didn't go as planned; you at least got to hang out with people you haven't talked to in a long time, provided support and besides, friends are more important than some guy you're trying to hook up with anyway. Just apologize today or tomorrow and make plans to hang out with him again. It's that simple.

Oh, and hang out with your friends more so last night doesn't happen again. Sheesh.


Dear J,

I don't know if you've noticed this but the last time we had sex was about a month ago. You don't seem to mind, and I'm sick of putting in the effort. Don't know why you can't tell but I'm physically and emotionally drifting away from you faster than I think you can catch me now. Have barely talked to you all week cause I think I'm on my way out. sorry if this causes you any pain but how could you not see it coming? I wish you all the best though and hope you can be with a girl that's happy with your fear of intimacy. I need to be treated the way a woman should and I deserve some physical affection.

Love, B

p.s. it would be great if you could find some new friends that aren't racist assholes, I know you're too good to hang out with people like that and I wish you had known how much the things they've said have hurt and disgusted me. I know youre non-confrontational, but a real man would stick up for his girl.

p.p.s. I'll definitely miss how sweet you are, hope you stay kind and never turn into the people you associate yourself with (though I've always told you you are the company you keep). Hope you miss me too.
Dear J,

Why did you have to come over tonight and be so cute? Why did you have to tell me you love me and that you're crazy about me? Why did you have to pull all the moves tonight and finally do all the things I've been asking for because you know you're that close to losing me? I can usually put my feelings aside and move on from any guy, but when you tucked me in tonight before you left I'm not so sure anymore...

Love, B
Dear Travis James,

I guess I should call you that because I always have (instead of TJ, like everyone else always did), but it's strange for me to know that you actually go by Travis now instead of TJ. I guess you're reinventing yourself too, just like I've been ever since I got out of that horrible relationship where the ex wouldn't let me be who I wanted to be. I can't go by my given name anymore, not when he used to say it like a curse. It's funny how you and I are so similar, isn't it?

Well, no, it really isn't. We've always been this way. I just found you on Facebook and a part of me so badly wants to send you a message to tell you that I miss you even though we haven't spoken in over three years. I do miss you. You were my very best friend. I miss your always-too-blunt honesty and the colour of your eyes, even though we were best friends for five years before our "fall out" and I still don't know what colour they are - how strange is that? I do. I miss you so much it hurts - I haven't cried in months and months and (when I foolishly looked you up on Facebook this weekend after having the strangest dream about you before I woke up) your image is the only thing that has made me cry in all that time. I sat on my bed with the cats and just bawled because you have no idea how much I miss talking to you. Or maybe you do, but I doubt it. You might miss me too, but I doubt it. You aren't the type to miss people. You've always been a nomad, a ceaseless wanderer, leaving people behind. You left me behind a long time ago, and maybe I'm just too stupid to realize it.

But oh, do I want to send you this - or anything else - to let you know that I'm still here. Still missing you, still thinking about you. You're my one that got away, and you weren't even mine. I do love you - not the way you think, not anymore - but I don't know. Maybe this is for the best, that we no longer speak. I'm going to think on it for a while. We'll see.

Somewhat desperately,
dear karma gods,

i don't know what i did, but i take it back! can you pleeeeeeeease stop dumping on me? we're into the second month here... i know there's plenty you could do to make me more miserable, but it doesn't seem fair if i don't know why in the first place.

wishing for a deserted tropical island,

Dear Co-worker,

SHUT UP. Shut up, you annoying twit. Do your work. Stop using any old excuse to NOT work and dump the rest of the load on me. Just shut the fuck up and do your job.


PS - it REALLY pisses off that you make more money than me to do the same job, because you've been here for a hundred years, as opposed to my one year......and you don't even do it as well, nor do you do the same amount of it. Yeah. It REALLY pisses me off, you lazy slackass cunt.
Dear you,

I've just realised it's really simple. I don't want to live with someone who doesn't pull their weight.

Previously it was about taking on board the situation and responding to changed circumstances. I have resented picking up the slack when I never signed up for it. That, however, is my own issue to work with--because in a big picture way, I did agree to this, and I stayed.

But now? You're older, and you're settled now, and I'm happy for you. But you know what? Living with you is a one-way street. I have too much work of my own to take on board the extra, tedious, mundane work that living with you entails. I'm older and wiser, and I'm pretty damn sure of the way I want to live--and this isn't it.

You're a good person and I couldn't ask for better, in your position. But I wouldn't live with most of my best friends, and living with you may be a compromise too far.

I've tried, but I'm sure as fucking hell not your maid. You're allowed to be yourself: it's the privilege of your age. But I leave it to your parent/s to clean up after you. It's not my job.

Love, me
Dear you,

I love you. But if I wanted family life I would have pursued it myself. I've felt this way for over 2 years and I will not live a life of stifled resentment.

I don't know what to do, but you need to know how I feel. It's not 'stress'. I know how I want to live, and this isn't it. I have compromised enough.

I will talk to you about this (rather than, say, apply to more jobs in China/Australia). I refuse to be a bitter person. You chose this, but I did not.

Love, Me
Dear Lazy-Ass Co-worker,

I am watching you. I've tried to play the boss's way - she thinks the problem is that no one here accepts you. So I've been kind to you. I've been compassionate and inclusive and peacemaking. I've gone to visit your garden and brought you homemade jam in exchange for the veggies.

But it hasn't done a damned fucking bit of good, has it? You are still the laziest fucker I've ever worked with. You don't pull your weight. You disappear from your desk and stick the rest of us with the telephones, not to mention the workload. And even when you are here - exactly what do you do? How on earth does it take you twice as long to do the same amount of work as the rest of us? Especially considering you've been here longer than anyone - 15 years, hello!?

The last time I confronted you on your crap behaviour - let's see, you were an hour late for work, then after an hour at your desk, and with the mail arriving, you decided to take a coffee break. So I called you on it. And you turned into a mutinous, petulant toddler. I SAW your face. I haven't seen that face since I last babysat a small child.

I've tried going to the boss. But it does no good, as you certainly know. She doesn't know how to discipline, or maybe she can't, because she's only the team lead and not the manager. Plus she believes in positive reinforcement, which works on everybody on the team....except you.

So here's the scoop. I'm watching you. I'm documenting every move you make. I'm documenting every step I take. I'm going to take my documentation back to the team lead. If that gets me nowhere, I'm going to the manager. I'm seriously done with your shit.

I can't believe you still have a job here. I seriously can't believe it. You don't even know how lucky you are to be working here, with your great pay and great benefits and retirement package and no one to take you to task.

But yeah. I'm going to take you to task. You cannot get away with it. I'm hoping to get you fired, eventually, but at the very least, I'm going to have you reined in. Because frankly, you suck. And I'm tired of doing your share of the work.


P.S. - here's a thought: maybe no one here accepts you....because you're FUCKING LAZY!
Dear Inane Co-worker,

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Shut the fuck up.

God, you are so annoying.

Dear M,

I am really crushing out on you. Please state your intentions ASAP.

zoya -

If you're feeling like this, then it's your problem. You knew exactly what you were getting yourself into if you walked the line, so don't take it out on someone who isn't even a party to your feelings. You're the one who needs to take a step back if you need to take a step back. You're the one who needs to choose to look at this all from a different perspective. If you're feeling shitty, you're the one who needs to do what it takes to stop feeling shitty. There is no other party in this for you.


((((doodle)))) ((((zoya))))


I'm having a hard time deciphering your text. What does "I was thinking of you anyway" mean? In the context of you and I, it's really hard to understand. You were thinking of me because you platonically miss me? Or you were thinking of me because you miss me in an entirely different way? I'm on the fence about all that, too. If you lived here and not two provinces away I'd really want to try and work things out with us - romantically. But I don't know if that's what you want. I don't know what you mean. I wish I could ask but I don't know if I want to open up that kettle of fish. You know me - I'd rather just sit back and let things happen.

Either way, I'm really confused.

With love,
I would have put this letter in with my other one but! we don't have an edit option. *HINT HINT*

Dear Son-of-one-of-my-organization's-VPs:

I think you are really, really cute. Really. Like when you call and need to talk to her I really hope it's because you're telling her you're coming in to visit. Just so I can see you. You make my heart go pitter-patter. And you're unconventionally cute so I don't really know if you get this kind of reaction often. But seriously - you have great eyes and a great smile and-and-and....yeah.

Now if only I could find the courage to be like, "Hey, wanna go out for a coffee?" and not get fired in the process.

S -

can we please ignore that attempt of mine to turn that platonic kiss into something more and just chalk it up to those christmas drinks we had? We did have a lot to drink, so it's entirely plausible.

thank you,

ps - either you have wills of steel, or I got my answer as to how you feel about me, because not reciprocating at all has clearly got to mean one of those things.
S -

ps - I love you.

Bear-yeah. You're with your family over christmas.

Greg-yeah. You're with your family over christmas.

Brother #1: You've got the "perfect family" and you've invited me, but last time I went I ended up getting dissed for a weekend, seeing my mother in diapers and throwing tantrums, children ripping my knitting apart, and YOU GAVE ME A BAG OF BEEF JERKY for my christmas present. While I watched the kids EACH easily rake in $1,000 or better in xmas gifts. So I don't feel like I'm being petty for being disappointed in the beef jerkey. Worst. Christmas. Ever.

Brother #2: I love you. I wish I could feel safe driving to your place for christmas-last year I had a great time. You don't have any money, hell, we had spaghetti for christmas dinner, but you harnessed your horse up and we went for a sleigh ride. The blizzard coming makes me scared to drive the hills in your area though.

Jerry: I may end up taking you up on your christmas offer, although I feel horrible being the local "charity-she has no family of her own so we have to invite her" christmas guest.

Christmas fucking SUCKS.

((tree)) Come spend Christmas with us! Weather shmeather.

dear Mom, Dad, siblings over at their house today -

you FUCKING "DIDN'T THINK" TO CALL ME??? I have been online all fucking day, waiting for the time to be late enough for you to get online to video chat. Apparently the 30 minutes I was not online was when you were on, and when you didn't see me, you just "didn't think" to call??


I'm fucking 5000 miles away and I'm fucking alone on Christmas, and you DIDN"T THINK TO CALL ME??????

thanks. Makes me feel awesome.


{{{zoya}}} Oh wow! I am so sorry.


WTF? Yes, we weren't there b/c one dog was sick in the hospital (um, heart failure), and the other one basically now hates kennels. Look, these are our family. Our families that happen to have fur. How dare you say that we need to kill them? You thought you needed an operation, and now you're better. We can't just jump in our car. The way you act towards our pets makes me think you'll treat our kids there. They are NOT our prisoners.

The only option I could think of was to send your gifts via mail. This Christmas sucked. Although, I have to thank my dog for acting up over the holidays. You've been such a mega bitch. Mcgeek got me about 13 books (b/c I'm always saying I don't have enough to read... I had no idea he'd get me so many books!).

I do miss my dad. At least he doesn't put me thru this type of shit.
I know this is all grief. Your grief. You're pissed off I'm getting married.

Damn this is such a freaking weird short story.

Ex-wife over the fence I saw on Christmas day,

Bailey is my dog now. Yes I had bed head and pj's on, but that pissed me off. You hadn't seen him in 6 years. This was too freaking weird to see you in the flesh over my fence and you acting all nice to me. I walked away. Not out of fear, but out of not knowing what to say. You did congratulate me and Mcgeek. Mcgeek told me everyone was civil. Ex-wife was abusive and we have a door to prove it smashed in. Mcgeek told me that we'd have to see her over the holidays b/c we live next to her aunt. The only thing I could really do in this situation was realize I was cuter, and I was marrying Mcgeek not her. It was just odd. Another weird end to a fucked up Christmas.

Neil Gaiman,

While you don't know me it was lovely to meet you and your audio books have made me feel so much better over last week.

A fan.

(((everyone)))) ((zoya))))

QUOTE(sassygrrl @ Dec 27 2009, 09:49 AM) *
How dare you say that we need to kill them?

Cod, my jaw dropped when I read this.

((((sassy, mcgeek and dogs))))

Glad they're doing better now, sassy. I would have done the same thing.

I understand what you mean. My father has forgotten to call me many times at Christmas (even when I was a little kid and waiting for him to do it). And he's forgotten to send anything as well. Not even a card. I'm not one who cares for presents so even a card would be nice. Just to know we're being thought of, eh? I'm sorry that your family didn't contact you. That really sucks.


I'm sorry that you're having such a hard go of things with your wedding (or at least that's what I'm getting, correct me if I'm wrong). You're an awesome person and you don't deserve that shit. I'm also really envious of your thirteen books! Lucky girl! A friend of mine loaned some to me and I just ordered three more so I'm pretty pumped about that. Yay reading!

Now on to the letter:

Dear Vinnie,

You're really, really confusing me! You were here in our home province (where I still live) for a week. You missed the opportunity to get together with me - or you didn't want to, I don't know, because you were just up the street at a mutual friend's place and I'm sure she wouldn't have minded if I came over to see you. Anyway! So twice you texted me to tell me that you were really sorry that we didn't get a chance to see one another. Then on Christmas Day you tell me that you're going to give me a call over the weekend because you think we need to have a talk. I asked if things were okay, you said yes, and that you just wanted to chat. It's now Wednesday. You haven't called. What the heck?

I'm soooo confused. I'm a blunt and honest girl, I don't tiptoe around the truth. If I have something to say you'd better believe I'm just going to come out and say it. Even at this very moment I'm waffling on sending you a text or an e-mail to ask what the hell is up with you because this is just weird. Because of our past history I'm thinking you might be interested again - or maybe never stopped being interested - and you're testing the waters to see how I feel. Well, I haven't really thought about it because you're a twelve hour drive away and I don't have the cash to fly up and visit you. Unless you're moving back here I don't even think it'd be a good idea to try.

Anyway, I digress. I don't know what the heck you're thinking but it would be great if you'd tell me. I love talking to you but I don't want to be the one to do it all the time. It'd be awesome if you'd reach out to me for once.

Still love you no matter what,
Try something, you little cretin!
(((((Zoya))))) I'm so sorry, that is rough. FWIW, my mom sometimes does something similar; she doesn't place significant importance on connecting on Christmas Day--which just makes me feel more distant from her. I am sorry.
((hugs to everyone))


Seriously could you THINK before you open your mouth sometimes? Sometimes you make offhand comments about people (celebs, people we know) and you just don't see how that can affect me? It's not that it's about those people but how *I* look like those people you are bashing. If you have something to say just fucking say it, stop hiding behinds insults to other people. You sure as hell better wake up in a better mood today or I will be actually sending/telling this letter and you'll be sorry!



What a mega bitch you are!!I realize we're both in the same meetup group as organizers, but all this bullshit about demoting people is utter shit. I know you're turning into a 501c3, but you used to be my friend (hell my bridesmaids!), and I so don't trust you anymore.

While I know I'm not a scientist with a Ph.d. I still have a general interest in science, and guess what bitch! Both Laverne and I have worked in non-profits before! We have experience. Experience that you think AST doesn't need.


Revenge is a dish best served cold. We're take our science organization grant(that I wrote) elsewhere that has Dr. Brian Greene (you know, of Nova??) speaking next year for the science world fair. He wants to bring the gap between scientists and the people.Take your meetup and shove it up tour ass.

Oh yeah one last thing: You aren't welcome at my wedding. I want real friends there.
By the way, Mcgeek will side with Josh and me. He's marrying me. I know that pisses you off. Tough titties.

Dear housemate-whose-friend-I-let-crash-in-my-bed-last-week,

If you will insist on coming into my room to tidy up, even though (a) I told you not to as I would be home before the party, and (cool.gif my room is reasonably tidy anyway, then you've only yourself to blame when you find a large blue dildo by the side of my bed.

I am very happy for us to continue ignoring this, but know that I am not ashamed, and will leave it there full-time if it teaches you to respect my privacy.

Your satisfied housemate

Dear Butternut Squash

You failed to get along with potato and sweet potato last night, and will not be invited to my multi-vegetable mash again.

Your cook

You are one crazy ass bitch! Holy crap. Once again, you are texting me from his phone pretending to be him?? Really?? Have you not learned at all. Well, this time I did. I saved your messages, so even if you delete them from his phone, I still have them. Just as I told you. you think you are such a strong woman yet you hide behind someone else's name, yah, I'm totally jealous of you there! Listen to me, you are FUCKING PSYCHOTIC! When I fucked your boy, you two weren't together not my fault. Maybe you should be having words with HIM and not me! I don't want your man, not by a long shot. I have men dropping at my feet like flies and they don't have women who text me pretending to be hime.

I'm serious, if I hear from you again in any capacity I will be in contact with the police and my lawyer. I am keeping your messages and I can play very dirty. I keep things lawful, but I use the law to my advantage.

Further, you are the one who chose to stay with him after what happened, this is not my fault whatsoever. Own up to your mistakes.

Regards you psycho woman,


So glad you came over today (even if it was for 10 minutes). Your compliments to my house and me losing weight really helped me. I'm hoping we can get coffee later on in the week.


Dear Nancy,

Please make it through this. I'm not ready to have parents of my friends dying. I had a bad feeling when I saw your feet in the hospital last night. I've wondered if what they said in that movie The Savages about people's feet shortly before they die is true. Hopefully it's not.

Courtney needs you.

(((polly))) sad.gif

Dear Self,

You're doing it again. You're letting people who don't matter and who don't even know you get the better of you. You are - you know you are.

You also know you're stronger than all this. Please pull up your socks and put on your game face and fucking act like the warrior that lives within you. You know she's there, you feel her all the time.

You know I love you, but sometimes I wonder if you can keep doing all this alone.

Give yourself a hug and pick yourself up off the floor. And also, crying isn't a bad thing. If you have to do it, do it. Don't feel ashamed. I know that's your issue.

With lots of love,
I may send this one day, but I doubt it even matters. I wrote it as a counselling exercise. It has helped, and didn't consume me the way I thought it would. It was supposed to expose and help me to avoid some of my victim-mentality mental traps, and it definitely came across more "you're evil and I'm the innocent victim" than it should have, but...fuck it. I wanted so badly to say these things.


I really don’t want to write this letter, but I can’t get it off my mind, so I’m just going to do it. The fact that it’s been so hard to get around to means it’s probably the right thing to do.

The last time we spoke, you asked if there was anything I wanted to say to you. I didn’t bother to tell you because I didn’t see any point. I don’t believe you really wanted to know, or even cared. You just wanted to feel like you were doing your part. I knew that, if our old patterns are any indication, you would have started arguing with me as soon as I started to talk. The fact that you forced the issue after I’d repeatedly told you I wasn’t interested in discussing it with you really didn’t help your case much.

What you really wanted out of that conversation, where it ultimately led us after you marched ahead with it, was a chance to tell me (again) that you know it sucks for me, but you “made the right decision.” What does that even mean? That you know you hurt me, but you don’t regret a thing? Why would you even bother talking to me if that’s all you have to say? What does “the right decision” mean, anyway? The decision to leave, or the decision to immediately start a new relationship with one of my friends? If you feel the need to defend your decision to break up with me, don’t bother. I don’t suppose you noticed, but I’d been trying for months to have an honest conversation with you about our relationship. I knew you were unhappy, and you were making me miserable. I never wanted anything but honesty and respect from you, J. You can honestly and respectfully break up with somebody, you know. You don’t have to pretend you’re doing it for the sake of preserving your friendship when really it’s because you’ve found someone else to fuck. Pretty much any kind of breakup would have been more honest and respectful than our relationship had become, except for the one you eventually chose. You tell me that it was the right decision because we were unhappy - we had lots of reasons to break up, and very few reasons to stay together. How come none of those reasons was good enough until you found someone else to be your backup?

And don’t try telling me that your sudden rebound was just a coincidence, that it shocked you as much as it shocked me. I might believe you if it had only happened once, but have you already forgotten about Y? How you broke up with me out of the blue one day and told me two days later that there was “something” going on between you two, exactly the way you broke the news to me about A six months later? I remember finding Y’s clothes and jewelry in our apartment, in your car. I went away to clear my head and when I came back our bed smelled like her perfume. There were the nights you didn’t come home at all, didn’t answer your phone. It was all fair game, though, because you made sure to break up with me first, right?

Yeah. But then it didn’t work out with her, so you let me back in. And I came back, like an idiot, even though I had told myself – and you – that I wouldn’t. I still don’t really know why I came back. I couldn’t reconcile the way you’d been acting with the person I’d fallen in love with, I guess. I thought there had just been some horrible misunderstanding, and if I just trusted you and had faith in the relationship and tried to do everything right, we’d figure out what had gone wrong and everything would be ok. I wish to god I’d just followed my own advice and stayed away.

Look - the truth is painful, but the fact that you didn’t tell it to me is what really did the damage. Sure, you’ve been very “open and honest” about your relationship with A since you first told me. But giving me full disclosure after the fact is not the same as honesty. The fact is you strung me along for months. Whenever I tried to confront you on the way you were constantly starting stupid fights with me, or yelling at me when a civilized conversation was perfectly possible, or making belittling comments about my skin or my breath or the things I said, or the fact that you never wanted to have sex with me, kiss me or even hold my hand – or when I ultimately suggested that we should break up if you were so unhappy – you would just shut me down. You’d tell me these problems were all in my head; that I was just being “too sensitive;” that “if I could just see things from your perspective, we’d be fine.” You let me believe that I was the problem, when you knew perfectly well that you wanted out. I shouldn’t have let you, I know. I thought I was putting up with your shit for the right reasons – out of trust, out of respect, out of love. Maybe I was. So what the fuck were you doing?

And then one day you came to my apartment to do laundry and told me you wanted to talk. You told me you were unhappy and hadn’t been treating me right; that you’d been starting fights with me, yelling at me, making belittling comments; that we never had sex or kissed or even held hands anymore; that the most honest and respectful thing to do would be to break up. Such an enormous change from all the conversations we’d been having the previous months and weeks, when I’d been the one saying those things. I was so relieved. But the truth was that nothing had changed between us. The only thing that changed was the realization that you had another opportunity with someone else. Can you even see how cheap and weak and deceitful that is?

When I talk to you these days I get the sense that you’re annoyed at me; I don’t know if it’s for the same vague reasons you were so resentful toward me during our relationship or if it’s because I haven’t returned (i.e. validated) your efforts to be “friendly.” If you’d like me to be honest about the latter, I don’t know that I can ever be friends with you after all this. I may forgive you one day, but what you did? How you treated me? That was unforgivable.
All my best to you and A.


((((Polly, and everybody else who needs 'em!))))
(((letters folks)))

Dear dudes who are about to embark on some kind of visionquest/period of celibacy/etc. and seek me out first:

I am not some goddamned oracle. I may have some special qualities, but I am a regular gal, on the regular dating scene. It should not be surprising that I want regular things, like sex and a partner who is not 1000% self-absorbed. If you are looking for a virgin or a buddhist or a celibate person and I am not one, maybe you should get that out there in the beginning, rather than a few months or a year into a relationship. It is not as if when we met you were running into the woods shouting, "Leave me alone!" and I was chasing you saying, "Please, please, be involved with me!!" I understand why you are doing what you are doing, but I also have every right to think you are utterly ridiculous for starting a relationship with me first.


Dear universe:
Seriously? Again?


God, I fucking hate you. I'm not even kidding. Like, serious hate. And I always say I never hate anyone because it's such a strong word but it's been almost four months since your train wreck of a wedding and I still feel as much animosity toward you now as I did that day. I'm not joking when I say this: I hate you with every fiber of my being. Every single piece of me hates you.

I really want to cut you out of my life. I've been keeping you on Facebook to keep up appearances but I don't even want to do that anymore. It makes it seem like what you did and how you acted was okay, and you know what? It wasn't. You acted like a selfish little spoiled brat, which is exactly what you are. It's what you've always been, it just took me twenty-one fucking years to realize it, and maybe that's my fault. But God-dammit, do I ever hate you. It's not jealousy because I could care less that you're married and I'm not, it's that you've always managed to ruin absolutely everything that I hold dear to me, so much so that I just want to push everyone away and have them leave me alone. You're my bone of contention with all of them. You're it. Thanks for that. It's not me isolating myself on purpose, you're the cause. You're the catalyst.

I just deleted you from my MSN list. Facebook is next. And don't you dare send me a message and ask why. Don't even try it, because I won't hold back. Part of me wants to e-mail you first to tell you off, to tell you exactly why I'm doing it, but it's not worth my time. You won't understand. You never do.


Dear Vinnie,

Please stop ignoring me. When I e-mail or text you, I want to hear back. Some part of me still aches for you, even though I know it's wrong and I know you're still entirely effed up. I'm sorry for whatever part I played in that.


Dear Andy Blueman,

Fuck, your music is amazing. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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