Oct 14 2009, 05:12 PM
not so dear universe:
par for the course.
Oct 15 2009, 08:23 AM
Rudderless, I know you aren't asking for advice or anything, but I feel compelled to tell you that you should call your friends out on their shit. All 3 of them.
The friend you posted about today is probably just going through a major freak out. Give her some metaphorical smelling salts. You're a wonder with words, so I'm sure you will say the right thing.
As for the other two ...
I went through a looooong phase when I complained to my girlfriends about my (now ex) boyfriend. I bitched and complained for years but I kept going back. Of course I had to decide on my own when I was ready to go, but before then some of my friends said some key things that stuck with me. Their words helped me realize that, no matter how shitty my boyfriend may or may not be, I was still responsible for my own life and my own happiness. Either I could stick with things as they were, or I could DO SOMETHING and make the changes necessary to make my life happier. I could confront the boy, go to a counselor, leave him, whatever, but SOMETHING had to be done. As it was, I was just being passive and annoying. Yes, I was in pain and I had legitimate reasons for that pain, but for my own sake I needed to do something. My friends told me this because they loved me and because they wanted to be there to support me no matter what. However, because they loved me, they needed to be frank and honest with me. It wasn't easy, but in time their words sunk in and I began to take action.
Okay. Zipping my lip now.
Oct 15 2009, 09:23 AM
You really, Really, REALLY don't want me to say what I think about you to you. You really don't want to know everything that I think and feel toward you. You really shouldn't try and call me out on Facebook. I could be a lot worse than I am now - all I'm doing is avoiding you and not speaking to you, not trying to get my back up, but what you just did ruined all my attempts for decency. You do not want me to actually speak to you. Let me repeat that for you: you do not want me to speak to you because you will not like what I have to say. If you think "I need to grow up" because I posted some photos from your wedding on my Facebook and didn't oooh and ahhh over how you looked/how excited I was to be at your wedding then you are more pathetic than I originally thought. I was not even remotely unkind to you in my photo captions. I didn't say anything rude or mean or uncouth. Just so you know, I'm not a liar. I don't tell lies. You didn't look all that spectacular and I would have rathered been tortured instead of spending just twelve hours with you that day, but I still went and didn't bitch you out on Facebook like you did to me.
Guess what? I'm done. I'm not your doormat, I'm not your "sister", I'm nothing to you anymore. I'll keep you on the fringes to maintain proper decorum and to keep up appearances, but don't try to get me back in your good graces because it won't work this time. Just because you are married now doesn't mean you are grown. I'm only sorry that now the only thing that defines you is your marriage. That's the saddest thing in the world to me. Have fun with that.
Like I said, don't try to talk to me. Don't e-mail me, don't text me, don't message me on Facebook. Keep your mouth shut or you won't like what you'll hear.
I really, Really, REALLY love and appreciate every single one of you.
Oct 16 2009, 06:11 PM
you're just a little bitty chest ultracold freezer. But you're the first one I'm building and starting without ANY help. And, the building isn't the hard part, it's the charging and the tweaking. Soooo, I'd appreciate it if you'd just be kind to me and toddle down to ultracold land....-80 celsius (-112 fahrenheit) would be wonderful, I'd love that. It'd make my day.
*pats little revco on the back...you know you can do it....I have faith in you.
Who said machines have no souls???? I actually am starting to think they do. Some are very cooperative and do exactly what they are told. Others are cantankerous and just obey when you change one little thing, the thing that they thought was important. Others are just plain bitchy...they will fight you every step of the way. I am hoping this little revco is one of the cooperative ones...just because I'm inexperienced enough to be completely overwhelmed by a cantankerous one.
*okay....maybe I shouldn't have said that "machines with personalities bit" out loud.....waits for the guys with the straightjackets to show up....
Oct 16 2009, 08:23 PM
You deserve better. This situation, it sucks. You need to either move on or things have to change in a really big way. Now. Saying things will change, saying 'I'll try' is all talk and you know it. Either do it or you will have to live like this. And we both know you are not one to settle for very long.
Oct 16 2009, 11:30 PM
to think i actually thought you were pretty amazing at the start of this week. i can't remember ANYONE falling so far so fast in my book. i'm pretty forgiving, but your behavior, started with game playing, and now you are just being stupid. really? look, i know that you're not into me. that is so crystal clear, but to go that far? now you're just being a dick. honestly, i am astounded. but you know what, better to find out your not worth my time of day, my energy, my affection, my friendship, my company, my attention, my ANYTHING, early? heh. you did me a favor. cos now i don't have to give you and your horseshit anything but my disgust and disdain. my only regret? that i every liked you for a goddamn hot second.
[eta:sorry needed to vent]
Oct 17 2009, 10:52 PM
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Oct 14 2009, 05:12 PM)
not so dear universe:
par for the course.
I find myself in the same shit I was in 15 yrs ago. When you went on to find yourself and every willing punani. you hurt me. I was a virgin saving my self for that special person which I thought was you. You got in me debt and I lost all my closest friends trying to make it work with your ass. I moved and lost lucrative jobs because of you. I was too blind to see that all you cared about was somebody to slave after you and your ungrateful heifer of a mother. I really think if it was not for her we probably would have made it. U f***king need to cut that unbillical cord.! I was trying to make it work for the sake of our son. But this shit is not working. I need a life and since you are non committal there are other willing fish in the sea.
That shit is old. No one is good enough for you in your mother's eyes. WTF she needs to marry your ass since you are too fucking stupid to see a good woman right in front of you. I know I need the money right now but I really would not have bothered with your ass. Now I find myself in the same rut. Our son loves that he gets to see more of your but this shit is old I want out! I hate your mother and I try to work with her ass but she fucking makes me want to choke her ass! She is a self righteous jesus freak that needs to take the fucking pole out of her eyes before she takes the speck out of mine!
I detest people who get on their fucking high horse thinking they are sooooo dammn perfect. I will not stand for this because my ass is going to be saving some money to get the fuck out of your life. I hate this shit ! Uggggh~
I used to be happy but you guys are fucking draining my spirit.
Oct 19 2009, 12:38 PM
do not let pessimism destroy everything. I'm really trying so very hard to change my thinking right now about a lot of issues, and pessimism is the #1 destroyer of anything i'm trying to accomplish. Sometimes i feel powerless to stop it.
please send signs. i need guidance now.
Oct 19 2009, 12:51 PM
Please, can I have this?
Oct 19 2009, 03:38 PM
Please realize that it's kind of hypocritical to get mad at him for not having time to see you when you don't have time to see him this week at all. Or next week. Maybe around Halloween you will have a chance to breathe. Until then, you should be reading.
Dear university administration people,
You have handled this whole situation horribly. First we have three weeks of no class and now we have some new prof who wants to take the class in an entirely different direction. And suddenly we have an essay proposal due in a week with instructions that don't reference what we have learned at all?! What the fuck is this? Are we even having a final exam? It seems like the entire first half of this semester has been a total fucking waste because you people don't know what to do if a prof gets seriously ill. I'm already trying to talk to my student union because you are all a bunch of fuckheads who seem to think you can just do whatever the hell you want with us. In the meantime, fuck you all.
p.s. new prof, gratuitous swearing isn't going to make us think that you're cool. It just makes us think that you're a stupid old person who thinks that swearing will make you look cool. It's pathetic.
Oct 19 2009, 04:37 PM
FUCK YOU, town and state i live in, for reasons too numerous to list here.
FUCK YOU, P- you text me digging for info, then let it drop that you're hanging with J, mortal-enemy by association? well, P.S. i know where you're living next year, you don't have to brag to me. but i find it very interesting and shady that you fail to mention your new fiancee (P.S., i know about that too).
Oct 19 2009, 06:41 PM
one more leg kicked out from under me.
i'm waiting to see what you do with the bar situation.
thumbing my nose, because you'll fuck me anyways,
Oct 21 2009, 10:00 AM
I am trying to ... I don't know what I am trying to do. Because I don't really understand what you're going through, and I am trying to accept what I read and what I've been told, but I don't know anything and I don't know how to HELP and I just wish you would get better because I miss you so bad.
Oct 21 2009, 11:07 AM
i know your poor sad type. you are so terribly insecure in your masculinity, that you felt the need to say very loudly, "that's a boy!" when walking by me with your baby mama, your baby and your friends. consider that your one and only 'get out of jail free card' or more accurately, your 'don't get humiliated by getting your ass beat by a tranny in front of your girlfriend card.'
you are truly fortunate that my mind was elsewhere when you said that and it took me a second to register. long enough for you to get to the crosswalk with your baby carriage. a second later i would have confronted you, and you would have backed down. not only am i taller than you, i'm starting to really get practiced at confronting pricks like you. trust me, when i'm calling you out 2 feet from you with my deck in hand? you will back down with a quickness. because of late i've had very little to lose and my ability to suffer fools like you is seriously impaired. and that deck i mentioned? see my longboard? it isn't just an accessory to look cute, it's a weapon. i drilled a hole in the tail so i can grab it, and swing it easily. i've practiced using it, and you would not like having that smart ass jaw of yours dislocated. i'd bet neither you, nor your baby mama would like telling her friends how you lost some teeth and got served. so sweetheart, tonight when you are jerking off to pics of trannys, you better think next time you might not be so fortunate. you might be seeing stars instead of thanking your lucky ones.
Oct 21 2009, 11:36 AM
((gt)) Kick some ass and take names, honey.
Oct 21 2009, 12:55 PM
yeah, gt. totally. Kick some ass! ((((gt))))
Oct 21 2009, 03:22 PM
You're more girl than most girls I know, love. More than I am, for sure.
( I have a fantasy about that poor sod getting decked by you tho. So pretty!)
Oct 22 2009, 06:27 AM
Ugh, some people are such assholes.
Oct 22 2009, 09:02 AM
Kick his ass!!!!
Oct 22 2009, 09:19 AM
GT, that guy sounds like such an insecure tool who cannot back up his big mouth. Such a waste of skin and cells.
Oct 22 2009, 01:29 PM
Please, I need the answers. I ask you for them, I get answers in meditation. It is cryptic. I am afraid.
Oct 23 2009, 12:37 AM
I was out walking because I have a lot on my mind, I'm in love with someone who doesn't love me back and I am trying to chose between job security and pursuing my career. I'm lonely got stir crazy in my apartment and needed some air. Since you were in the middle of something and drunk, I didn't feel like explaining myself to you, especially since I don't think you really cared about the details in the first place. Also, the hallway where everyone can hear everything is not the place where I want to be spilling my guts. I give out glib answers like "why not" to people I don't want to give my life story to and you are one of them. Not that I think you'd spread rumors, but I get the impression you aren't going to help me with any of my problems anyway, not at this time of the night.
Oct 23 2009, 03:21 PM
WTF? Now I'm angry, because I thought one path would be good, and I'm getting answers that it's the wrong way. I thought going back to school would be good, and now I'm beginning to wonder if it would be a waste of money. I hate being an adult.
Oct 26 2009, 09:44 AM
I had no idea you were going to email me via FB. Damn! Now I'm crushing on you again. I have to keep telling myself that I'm getting married in a few months, and you have a girlfriend.... Ugh. I'm now just going thru my mind as "as if".... fuck.
Oct 26 2009, 10:20 AM
I know you are in a bad place right now but mayonnaise is not the answer. Yes, it is delicious. Oh so delicious. But seriously, it doesn't need to go on everything.
Oct 27 2009, 05:58 AM
i agree. when i realized that is what was on honey walnut prawns it was all over (me). i wanted to take a bath in the white stuff. i try to resist it, but it will not remain silent. it's my latest kink. i'm totally miracle whipped.
OD'ed at the mayo clinic,
Oct 27 2009, 11:31 AM
Quit with the guilt calls. I asked if you and mom wanted lunch on Sunday, and you said no. Don't ring me 2 days later and bitch about it. This makes me mad, and also very upset. I don't like you bitching at me for things I can't control like the job and house market.
I'm sick of your drunken ways, but I can't stop it can I? You really need rehab. You made a fool of yourself at the restaurant, and I can only predict this will happen at the wedding times a million. You drink in the afternoon now? When did that start?
I love you for being my best friend.
Just keep swimming.
Oct 27 2009, 01:09 PM
Oct 27 2009, 01:46 PM
Oct 27 2009, 09:36 PM
It was so good to hear from you today. Even if just IM like long ago. I am yours forever
Oct 28 2009, 06:51 AM
Fuck you. I knew I was right about you. How dare you manipulate and twist what I told you in an honest attempt to make things civil between us. I have worked really hard to accept you and respect you and appreciate what you have to offer, and I think I deserve the same from you, but all you've done is disrespect me, try to fuck up my life, and then complain about me. I wish so badly that I could let you have it right now, but guess what, I'm going to be more mature than that, and really, you don't deserve me putting any more energy towards you anyway. Sorry, but no matter what you wanted and tried to do, you're stuck with me, so deal with it. I can only hope that for the sake of everyone else who's involved, you can grow up and learn to deal with your feelings the way I've had to.
Oct 28 2009, 11:55 AM
You really need to stop with this shit. I don't know what your problem is. You need to look past your immediate surroundings and see how other women in the world actually live. Maybe that would get you out of your rut. Brides in India are sometimes burned by their groom and his family because her family doesn't have a big enough dowry for her. There are women in Africa who live in huts that barely keep out the elements and who cannot feed their children. You most likely will never have to worry about these situations! You live in a warm, beautiful two-bedroom apartment (that you don't even need; you barely ever go in the living room or the office space!), have enough income to make sure that you never go hungry and can have luxuries that others can only dream of, and even though your job is boring and you are over-qualified for it at least you have one (especially now). What is wrong with you? Stop being so damned sad, stop wallowing, stop letting those thoughts creep into your head. You're better than all of this. You are lucky and yet you are acting like a big, stupid mope. People love you and you really don't need to worry about anything and yet you are doing this to yourself. Again.
Get. Over. It.
Oct 28 2009, 01:32 PM
Dear Little Sister,
Seriously, what the hell is your problem? I've written you countless messages/e-mails. I send you texts. Do I ever hear back from you? No. I know you're in your second year of university but come on. I know you don't study as much as your mother thinks you do; I know that you have/can find the time to write me back. I haven't been mean to you or anything so what the hell is your deal? I'm not usually paranoid but I am pretty sure that your other sister has told you to be on her side and refrain from speaking to me because of this whole wedding debacle. If that's the case, wow. You're not the person I thought you were.
Anyway. I won't ever send this letter. Or another one for that matter. Talk to you whenever, I guess. I'm almost done with all of you and don't you ever come crying back.
Oct 28 2009, 04:06 PM
you've been really good to me lately (or at least changed my perception of the times you shat on me), and i appreciate it, i do.
but i want--need--this to be a good weekend.
Oct 28 2009, 04:43 PM
I realize you don't talk to your family ever. Yet, I need their addresses or they're not coming to the wedding. I need to send this cards out, because I'm a constant to-do list for another 4 months. It's an insane amount of pressure. How hard is it to make a 5 minute phone call? Enough said. It's your family not mine. I'm not about to step into their drama with my own family shit going on. I believe you can do this. I don't think I'm asking for much here. I'm not trying to be the bad guy. I just need you to give a little.
Also, don't yell about me the house please. I'll knee you.
Some days I miss being single. Having a partner sucks ass some days.
Oct 28 2009, 07:18 PM
thank you for the wonderful, amazing, supportive friends I have. Without them, I don't know where I would be.
could you see to COCL's letter and request?
Oct 28 2009, 07:33 PM
you're flaking one- again.
when you need me, I'm totally there for you to cry to, but when I need you- you screen my calls.
I tolerate this bc I love you & no one on earth gets me like you do- when you are in the mood.
the cards you send are nice, and I think your way of saying 'I'm doing the best I can right now' and it's appreciated, but it's really not enough.
sometimes I think I am just too needy, but then I realise nope- a lot of the time it really Is You.
wishing you had more to give or that I needed less from you or I could cut the cord finally,
Lucky my beloved Golden Boy:
I still miss you. SO MUCH.
the anniversary is coming up and it's breaking my heart all over again.
Bella, Blue & Little Zep are wonderful lovies & I know you'd adore them & teach them all sorts of silly smart things, but none of them are you Sugar Boy.
my heart and my hands long for you so painfully still.
I hope where you are, you can still feel all the love for you we each carry; I know I hear what you whisper & the click of your nails & you settling in your spot in the hall, bc I KNOW you are still very much with us.
always & always loving you,
Oct 28 2009, 07:36 PM
What the hell is wrong with you? Why couldn't you just leave well enough alone? You know, as sad as I was, I was also happy with the way that things went Saturday. We both cried, we both said that we loved and cared about each other and then it was over. Why, why, why did you email me the next day? And then, I respond with how I feel and you completely lash out at me! So why did you email me in the first place if you didn't really want to know how I was feeling? Were you expecting me to be upset and unable to get out of bed or something? Is that what you wanted to hear, that I was so distraught that I just couldn't go on without you? Well, sorry but that's not me anymore. I finally called you out on your shit and you can't handle it.
Oct 29 2009, 05:20 AM
((((CCG, Freck, Sassy, & COCL))))
Freck, the second part of your post has me thinking it was about a furbaby. And your words were so eloquent that they almost made me cry over my cereal. I hope you are okay.
Dear Self (again),
Seriously, make up your mind. To date or not to date? I know you like men. You like men a lot. But are you ready to get back to it? Don't do anything serious yet and stop toying with the exes. You know you don't want them back and it's not fun to play around with people's emotions - well, not for them, anyway.
You know I love you, even if no one else does,
Oct 29 2009, 05:40 AM
I'm ok, just really missing my boy. we have 3 pupper's under the age of 2 (+ one cat) in our house,and I adore them, but it's not the same. Luck really was that one in a million baby's.
gentle w/ your heart friend ~
Oct 29 2009, 10:33 AM
(((freck))) I can't imagine how hard it is to lose a dog. I always refer to them as puppies and babies because they stay in that child like state their whole lives, so innocent and loving. *hugs*
Alright, you're back in the good books. I know it will be a long time before we can even try to see each other as friends. I'm worried that if I see you that all of my emotions will come flooding back. I'm already missing you. Your touch, being in your arms, your kisses, and all of the other good things that came from being with you. I know that I will move on but it hasn't been a week yet so it still hurts terribly.
p.s. I get the feeling that I'll never really know how you feel or if you are really sad about us ending.
Oct 29 2009, 01:07 PM
((((CCG)))) I hate the end of relationships. Stay strong, girl.
No problem, Freck. Is Lucky the dog in your avatar? Dogs are the greatest. I've never owned one but every day I hope to one day soon.
Sweet holy fuck, I love you two. It's 4:17 in the afternoon and I can't wait to get out here in forty-three minutes and head home so I can see your lovely little fur-faces. You two are so beautiful and sweet and you make my day, even when you are being bad. Seriously, these past three months would have been so much harder without your constant love and companionship. I know it sounds stupid but you two are what keeps me going every day with your kisses and cuddles. There is nothing better than watching TV in bed with one of you curled up on each side of me.
With so much love,
Oct 29 2009, 03:32 PM
I am sorry that I am taking over this thread. I love you all. I just have a lot to say lately.
I swear to God, I have no problem going hungry(ish) and eating shitty food for a month if it saves me the money to get to see you in three weeks. I haven't seen your smiling face and gorgeous sky blue eyes in over three years and that's just effing ridiculous. You are my one that got away and I'm sure that we will never happen again but just being in your presence will be enough for me. Just being able to sit across the table from you over coffee will be enough to last me a lifetime. Okay, maybe not, but I long to see that coffee-coloured birthmark on your hand because it's just one of the best parts of you. You are the most beautiful man in the world and it's insane that you don't know & believe that. I can't stop listening to Third Eye Blind and remembering all those things that happened between us nine years ago. You're the best and I can't wait to see you. I only wish I could get my mouth to say these things to you when you're standing right in front of me, but alas, we both know how clumsy and bad I am with verbal words. But I try; honest-to-God, I try.
Love(!) forever and ever and ever,
Oct 29 2009, 03:36 PM
Dear gods of fate and such,
Please PLEASE let this work out. You know how hard it is for me to come back here after visiting "home". You know how hard I've been trying to get any little tiny scrap of opportunity in this town. If you could please just make this work, it would mean so much. I've been trying to bloom where I'm planted, but the growth has been so so slow. But if this happened - if I got this part - it would be the big break I need. Yes, not just want, but NEED. So please PLEASE smile down upon me and grant me this one little thing.
Fingers crossed tightly,
Oct 29 2009, 04:54 PM
((((((rv)))))) that is exactly
how I feel about living here in Fay. volunteering w/ planned parenthood is by & far the
best thing that's happened to me in the almost 7 years I've lived here- this time. I'm even starting to make friends w/ a staffer that works in the DURHAM office (for real) but comes here often.
I hope soooo much you get that part ! ( & then who knows.. maybe the mr & I could make it to a performance?!)
rogue: no apology needed. you're supported here, as you lend support to others.
and yes, that is Lucky in my avatar, while the mr was deployed & he was "signing" a greeting card we sent to Daddy & being a total Clown about it and totally cracking me up.
that's what I get for magic markering Luck's paws & stamping it on the card I suppose
ccg: thank you. ((((((ccg)))))
I <3 all of the wonderful writers here. your hearts are as incredible as your mids.
Oct 29 2009, 07:10 PM
So yeah, I think it's over.
I'd like to say it was nice having you as a friend, but you weren't really much of one, were you? You would blow me off, forget about me, not answer your phone, etc. I put up with it because there was nobody else that I could get along with. Now I'd just rather not see you at all.
I know all your excuses now, work (not so much anymore), your fucked up kids, school, your sister, your parents, the married ex-lover, blahblahblahblah.
I don't know how many times I asked you to go to the theatre with me to see our friend's play. I started asking a full month before it opened, even. You wouldn't give me a definitive answer because of money woes & I don't like to lead with the wallet. Then you went with somebody else (who paid for your ticket, natch) & didn't even have the decency to call me.
I was lonely & not in a very good place, you happened to be there. So I made a mistake in befriending you & I'm sorry. Good luck to you & yours.
Oct 30 2009, 09:04 AM
Jesus H. Christ, will you ever stop ruining my plans/dreams/life? God, I hope that one day soon you just die and I can finally be free of you. That sounds awful but I totally mean it. I wouldn't miss you even for a second and would probably laugh at whoever called to tell me. I'm a horrible person sometimes, but that's okay with me.
I'm not going to Quebec with you next month. If you want to know why, ask your stepdaughter. Please don't call me or e-mail me anymore. You have two perfectly fine daughters to replace me with, which you've technically already done anyway, so it won't be that hard. What's that saying again? Two is company, three is a crowd. I've never really been in your life anyway, so please just forget I ever existed and this will be easier on everyone involved.
My dear, dearest of all friends, Vinnie,
You have put up with so much shit from me over the years and I am so grateful. I do love you. A lot. More than a lot. I miss you so much and I wish I could have come to visit but it's not meant to be I guess. Please come visit soon. You have so many places to stay in my city, so many people would take you in (myself included), so it's a lot easier for you to come here. I wouldn't want to impose on you or your roommate or I would ask to stay with you. I could put up with twelve hours in a car there and back with her if it meant staying with you for four days, but I would never, ever ask you. I'm so sorry. Please come home soon.
With lots of love,
Seriously, what have I ever done to you? Is there a reason why you hate me so much? I'm so tired of living in this Cinderella story (I know that my name is similar and my mother did name me after Cinderella because she loves the story so much, but come on). I seriously idolized you as a child and for what? Nothing. To have you never look at me and ignore me and rat me out for things that never mattered to you anyway, just to get me in trouble. I'm just sorry I ever loved you.
Okay, I'm finished now. I wish I could send every one of these and I know I should but something stops me every time. It's quite depressing. I don't know what I'm so afraid of.
Oct 30 2009, 11:11 AM
Gods of fate,
I don't get it. I seriously don't. Do you WANT me to be unhappy here? Do you WANT my soul to shrivel up and die? It certainly feels like it. I've been trying SO DAMN HARD to bloom here. But every time a shoot of green peaks through the soil, something has to come along and stomp all over it. I don't get it. I have been giving and giving and giving SO MUCH. I just wanted this little thing in return. But no. Because of one little 2 hour conflict on one stupid night, I don't get what I want. They wanted to give it to me! They were happy, eager to give me what I wanted! But for stupid, shitty reasons, I had to say, "No thanks".
My heart is shattering. My soul has been scooped out and replaced with despair and resentment. I can't keep living like this. It's ruining my life and hurting my marriage. I need more than hope and faith right now. I need results. Something real.
Oct 30 2009, 11:31 AM
Oct 30 2009, 04:46 PM
You see how I tried to fuck this up last night so you can be the one to hate me and run away so I feel like I exhausted it, like the walls fell in on the room and there is no place to return to.
Not that it's OUT THERE somewhere and I'm just never going to be in it again.
Like there's a fucking difference.
But there is. Thing like you, I just don't know how to walk away and leave it beautiful. I pick flowers and chew on them until they look like shit. I have no letting-go mode. I have to destroy to not drag this through the rest of my life like I did the one before. The one who started it and you came to finish it.
But how can this be finished?
So I have to destroy to not call you in the middle of the night a month from now and tell you to read me a story cuz I can't sleep. And you'll step right in and read, oh, how you read, and I'll masturbate to your husky voice and then it will NOT BE OVER. But it will not BE, either.
It's the in-between zone I can't handle.
So I was vicious. And you were SO good. You did everything. You were there. You withstood my fucking tsunami.
It was the hardest thing I ever did to not fasten the chain back on, to watch you offer your neck waiting and to tell you you are free, not mine, not mine.
And it hurt ME more than it hurt you and you knew it, and everyone was right you had all the fucking power all along. The only thing I have control over is NOT to destroy this, and it is SO hard.
How am I gonna do a damned thing well enough? Knowing you are out there? And you want more?
Ah you beautiful, beautiful thing. Run fast and don't look back you don't know what I can do to you if I lose it. Oh baby boy.
What the fuck am I gonna do with this chain now?
- The one who never let you say you love her