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tree, I hope things went ok.

Dear universe, I need help figuring out how to put things to the MIL. I've just been trying not to think about it because it's going to be a really amazingly horribly uncomfortable conversation that's going to hurt her to some degree no matter what, and when I do start thinking about it I get sidetracked into wondering how likely it is that the anger I haven't expressed to her for the past year is going to, you know, come out explosively and damage things more than is necessary. Just help me remember to start drafting my remarks in gmail, please. Like, what I've wanted to say, the angry stuff, vs what I will actually say, the stuff that will lay out my boundaries and that she can't cross them and that won't hurt her feelings more than the objective reality of protecting my health has to. That's the first step. Help me to get going on this.

Dear potential employer -

please contact me today. I am pretty sure I can make the time frame work, my other work is willing to juggle my schedule, but I need to hear from you asap. I know that I have been recommended for the job (cause my friend bcc:'d me) but I also know that it would be bad form to contact you at this point, so can you please just get a hold of me? I really wanna do this!


Dear Universe -

I'm ok with whatever happens, but wow, this good fee + this really short project span would be a really really welcome thing. can you help me out here? smile.gif

((anarch)) ((zoya))

Mom and Dad,

Please don't die over seeing the wedding budget. I am busting my ass to get the prices down. I hope we can reach an compromise. Know that I love you, and I'm not my sister. I know you'll freak out though.

Dear future employer,

I'm worried about my phone interviewer, but know that I am a valuable employee. I would really like this job. I know the pay is shit b/c it's Americorps, but little money is better than no money.


Stay strong. I'm proud of you for writing the parents the email on the budget. That took some guts. Mcgeek has PMS, but don't like that piss you off. I'm worried about the wedding. I'm just concerned I won't pull it off in time. Mcgeek also doesn't seem to want to help either. That's another thing that's making me mad. I don't know if he just wants me to do the whole thing or what.


Good things please.

Dear Idiot,
If you can't make the meeting just say sorry I missed it. Don't lie and tell me you were looking for us when I know for a FACT you were not even there because after we were done I passed your office with the door closed and lights off. Why lie to my fucking face? You truly are an asshat. I hope given enough rope , you will hang yourself.

Dear J,

Sometimes I really, really, REALLY fucking don't understand you.

No. Wait. It's that I do understand you that is the problem. Total dick move tonight. Total.

So we reconnected. YOU called ME. We had one long talk. I felt good about it. It gave me some weird measure of peace to know that you were okay & that I did the right thing by you in the long run.

Since then we've had a few brief IM seshs. Idle chit chat. Most often started by me & no longer than a few minutes. Yeah, you almost always toss some juicy morsel out there at me. I don't take the bait.

But here I am writing out ten seconds of a twenty minute conversation so I don't lay up in the bed obsessing about your words.

God, you were/are so goooood with words. I know that's how you talk to all the cool girls, but somehow you still have this ability to make me feel like I'm the only woman in the world.

So. Again, YOU contacted ME. We were rolling along bitching about insomnia & laundry & all things SAFE. Then you said what you said. Which made me feel shitty & it's not even a legit problem. I'm not the one who is paranoid, yet here I am feeling guilty even though I've done nothing wrong. AND I WON'T.

How far apart are we? How long has it been since we've seen each other? The fuck is the problem with me & why did you feel the need to say something about it to me? Fuckstick.

Eight years, baby. Eight years since I broke your heart. Remember that next time you feel like being stupid & using me as a buffer, huh? Because trust me, neither of us will feel sorry for you.


PS. It was the fortune cookie, huh? That's what got ya didn't it?

I seriously canít thank you enough for everything youíve said to me and done for me over the past two months. Itís been a really fucking hard battle but itís nice to know that somewhere out there someone actually gives a shit about my wellbeing and what might happen to me. I know it shouldnít be this way but it feels even better knowing that it is a man who cares, just because every man I've ever had in my life has been positively horrible.

Last night when I told you about my family and how all of my siblings seem to have their own crazy idiosyncrasies and then told you about my own and you actually listened it was really nice. You are probably only the third person (in real life) who I have ever told that I am a former cutter, but like I said last night I donít think that former really applies in situations like these.

I wish that I could fall in love with you Ė if thatís what you even want Ė but I think that I have been damaged so far beyond repair that itís going to actually be impossible now. Either way, I am completely grateful for whatever the hell we are.

With everlasting and undying appreciation and some form of love,

I miss you. I think I may love you. It is unfortunate that I realize these things too late.

Dear Sister,

Fuck you. Fuck you and your stupid fucking wedding that I never wanted to be in any way.

I will not cut myself because of you. I will not let your fucking bullshit drama trigger me. I wanted to - I really wanted to this morning after reading that e-mail - but I'm better than that. I am better than you. I would never treat someone the way you have been treating me for the past month + 21 years. I am better than all of that.

Enjoy your wedding. You can have your cake and eat it to. I'm done.

Most unsincerely,

Your Sister.
Dear institution,

Know that when I emerge with an innovative, comprehensive and rigorous project it will be despite my time with you rather than a result of it. I arrived with an excellent qualification from a first class programme and prestigious funding. What I got was a committee more interested in scoring points off of each other than helping me tease out ways to approach what has been acknowledged as a novel idea. I received more and better suggestions in a single year of my previous education than in the entirety of my time with you.

Know too that I got my current job because of my previous qualifications, area of research and experience--not because I was working for you. You people became too interested in generating funding and less interested in guiding your students, which as I understand it is part of your job description. Your approaches are narrow and provincial and your reputation is becoming less impressive each year.

I will be beyond happy to be finally free of you and will contribute to any further critique of you that I can. You let me down, for no reason but collective laziness and threatened egos. You are not about students, or even the research, you just want to see the money. Well, good luck with that.

Rogue, I completely understand. My sister pulled the same damn thing at her wedding.

Dear future job,

Please call back. Give me the job dammit, or at least tell me I got it or not. The anxiety is killing me.


WTF? Maybe I should just call off the wedding. It's not fun to plan. This sucks. Perhaps I should just get on a plane to Australia or something with 5-6 people, and just wed on a beach. I hate this. The best part will be the reception, and I know it. I also don't know if I want to get married. Will I be a good partner?


And thanks. =)
it's ok. it really really is.

stupid fawkin' memories from the past.. don't even have the deceny to come back under the cover of darkness and sleep this time.. but it's Ok.
it's good really. bc this is more stuff that you now realise you never really actually blanked out on, just pushed way way super far back and when you saw that woman on tv talking about what had happened to her, it wasn't her words so much as her body language that spoke to you. that protective covering of herself, like she/you want to protect yourself, defend yourselves, the From What is what scares you most.

so it's ok to be scared and vulnerable and shaky & need quiet to process this, and to need to talk to L really badly right now too. - see if she can't bump you up to tom?
she said things would come back as you were ready to handle them- this is another sign of how strong you are getting, even if it feels like a deep heart wound.
I love you self, and I'm sooooo Proud of how far you've come.

from a place of deep sadness,

Fake Daughter :
I love you. and I'm crazi happy you & frecklette are able to talk on the phone every now & then & esp that your Dad is starting to forgive me finally.
you are growing up so wonderfully... you're so smart it just amazes me & makes me feel more pride in you than I have a right to.
thank you for letting me talk to you about sex. I worry about you honey, for as smart as you are, you're still so very young baby.
you have no idea how you melted my heart when you said I love you Mom.
my beautiful other daughter in every sense, I am so blessed.

missing you madly but feeling more hopeful,
Fake Mama

Life: I feel like throwing up a challenge to you & screaming is that all you got (FUCKER!!!!!!!)?!?!
but I think this is all turning into more than enough.
really though- Is there a point ?
just wondering,
QUOTE(rudderlesschild @ Sep 20 2009, 04:40 AM) *
. . . spam musubi.

Proactive apology: there is a lot of eff-words in the following letters. You may want to hit your "back" button if you don't want to read LOTS of profanity.

Chilly guy: I am soooo fucking pissed at you! How fucking DARE you take my flexicool off the hoist, just chuck it onto the floor? Seriously, would it have hurt you that much to LOOK at what you were tossing around? It wasn't a fucking air dryer!!! It was a flexicool!!! Remember when YOU were working on one, it took you TWO MONTHS to get it to work right?

Yeah, that's fucking right. I've got one I'm working on now. How DARE you tell RM, oh, go ahead, you can "look at it". Sorry, but my fucking project!!! I'm the one trying to nurse this thing down to -120. ME. This thing might not look as grand as one of your ultracold freezers but it has the SAME EXACT SYSTEM in it! It's just tiny, which makes it HARDER to work on.

"oh, RM, go ahead, what I would do is add some R-22..." I fucking know you told him what to do and what to add, because there is no fucking way somebody who all they've done is install McDonalds stores, there is no fucking way in hell that he would even think to add R-22.

You fucking gave him tacit approval to fuck with MY stuff.

I am so incensed I can't even see straight.


You saved yourself a little bit. But, seriously, it was MY fucking project. You should've had more respect for me than to bypass me and ask CG if you could "look at" my project.

Yeah, you can fucking look at it. Fucking fix it if you think you are that fucking great. You've got four hours left. I wanna see that fucker at 120 below in four hours.

Make my fucking day, asshole.

Oh, and for both of you??? I had the high stage down to -27 yesterday-13 degrees away from target point.

Now, after you, Chilly, encouraged RM, and you, RM, fucked with my refrigerant charge, guess what? I can't get below -12 now!!!!!

((((tree)))) fuck them freaks.
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Sep 24 2009, 07:28 AM) *
((((tree)))) fuck them freaks.

((tree)) fucking assholes.

Future job,

WTF? Did I get it or not? You said one of the people would call today? No response yet.


Thanks for being understanding about the reception, but your email still made me feel like a little girl. I'm just trying to plan this whole wedding, and not get into a fight with you. I understand about the economy (and restaurants), but don't make me feel like an idiot okay?

Your daughter



Company that didn't give me the job,

I went thru two interviews for nothing? I thought your "Let's all hold hands and be diverse and share a coke" school was a little too uppity for me anyways. Fuckers. Well, you didn't deserve me to began with. I think I caught your second interviewer pulling shit out of her ass during the interview.


I love you, and hope we can be adults about this wedding. However, it annoys the hell out of me when I call you specifically, and I can hear Mom in the background yelling at the phone.


I need a awesome orgasm and very good ice cream tonight. Yes we're trying to eat healthy, but I'm craving some yummy Jake's ice cream or Ben and Jerry's. Please understand.

Your loving fiancee/soon to be wife....


I need a job. Please come thru. Soon. So I don't rip my hair out.

(((Tree))) (((Sassy)))


I know you're mad at me. We're not on speaking terms. But I STAND behind every word I said: It was your drama, not ours, you queen-y crackpot. I honestly think you are one of those people that spent too much time in therapy & now sees the boogeyman in everything except for when it COUNTS.

Yesterday I was ready to scream "I told you so!" from the rafters. Today? I want to club you like a baby seal for not following your gut instincts. You KNOW something is rotten in Denmark, why would you let somebody convince you otherwise?

This whole thing has stunk to high heaven since the word go. I called it a year ago when the first red flags started popping up. All of the excuses, the bullshit, the obfuscation, etc? Are you really so desperate that you are willing to ignore what's really fucking going on here?

Also, it's amazing to me how somebody that thinks they are such a smart, wizened cookie (Constantly doling out advice to others from "experience" in your patronizing, academic manner!) gets sucked back into the same trap over & over again. You've admitted your track record isn't stellar, but insist that you've learned when you quite clearly haven't. It's rich.

But that's just my .02.

(((((sassy and tree)))))

Dear Tummy,

Please feel better I'm sick of feeling lousy.

fuck you, fuck you, and oh, yeah fuck you again.

i finally get motivated, start working towards something, busting my ass every day, actually liking what i was doing, finally felt good enough about things and the way my life was going to the point that times when i knew i should be horribly depressed, devastatingly stressed out, i was too busy getting things done. i get a small little victory, two of them, and i was floating on clouds.

couldn't have that.

you blew it up. promised me things that would change things and really give me a shot at this short term little dream of mine. the payoff, not so i could do those personal things that i'd been neglecting for years. no, things so i could actually make a living. you had to dangle that in front of me. get me to daydreaming. thinking about how nice it would feel to actually be happy for a while.

and of course, you shit on it. you pull the rug out from under me, and shit all over it. i would have been so happy with my little bumps if you just couldn't leave well enough alone. and it's always the same. always the fucking same with you. me being happy for 24hours is just not in your game plan. i just wanted to try. and i did. but why bother? you always just suck me right back down. fuck me over and leave me fucked up, depressed and wondering why i even try. the result is always the same: you fuck me up, i end up in the same old shit.

fuck you very much.

anna k

Bailey puppy,

Please stop coughing. I love you, but I'm sick of going to the vet every week. It's draining my funds, and I wish you didn't have this pre-existing condition so we were able to have pet insurance. I just hope you don't die. It will kill Mcgeek.

Your mama

((((((GT))))))) You're talented enough to do whatever you set your mind to. I know this.
thank you all. i <3 busties.

dear r,

honestly i do not know what i did in a past life to deserve a friend like you. if the tables were turned i know i could not have done half the job you have, been half as supportive, or have been half as generous as you. it's been about 2 days since your letter, and... you said things, that made me cry. i tried to write you a couple of letters, but to be perfectly honest, i left me speechless. i don't mean that i didn't know what to say, but rather, that there were too many things that were crowding my mind that needed to be said then and there, i had so much to say, but none of it, not a single word seemed up to the task. none of it really conveyed the depth of my gratitude for all the encouragement, the calls, the letters, the little jokes, but most of all, the acceptance, the complete and utter acceptance of who i am that you showed me, no matter what my body looked like, no matter what clothes i wore, or what my name was.

you wanna hear something funny? granny's death was the catalyst for my transition. she was pure love and the thing that always broke my heart about not coming out to her because of my fear of rejection was one question: what if i short changed her. why did i think so little of her that i didn't think she could see beyond all of this and love me inspite of it. what if she was that person i always thought her to be, so full of love that it wouldn't matter. what if i came out to her, and she didn't bat an eye? what if she understood that the core of me was the same. that she understood we are so much more that the shell of our bodies... i held my breath with every single person i came out to. some people rose to the occasion, some didn't, but i was hoping my mom would. and she did the worst. but you, who, my family would look down on, an outspoken atheist, got it. you got me, more than anyone in my family. it's not god, or religion, but just being a good person that made you such an amazing friend. i am so very, very lucky to know you, and to count you as a friend. i know i tell you this a lot, but, it's because i can't say it enough, and it's so very important to me that you know it means the world to me. thank you, thank you, thank you.

n, aka chuck.

Dear MBM, ET,

I don't want to go back to your college program. I started crying yesterday when I thought about going. I had to ask myself why I was crying. I realized that you treat me like less of a human being because of my bipolar disorder. I have bad days and when I do, you treat me as though I'm lazy. I have ADA status and you deny me accommodation because what I want isn't reasonable. I get no ADA accommodations from you, and when I have bad days I'm not sick, I'm lazy. the problem is that I thought for the longest time that I deserved to be treated this way. I thought that I was less of a person because I am damaged, and diseased. I let you treat me like shit because I thought I was shit. I let you deny me compassion and oppress me.

So what changed? I was shocked when another professor from another department treated me with dignity and compassion when I told her I was having a bad day. I realize I shouldn't be shocked. I was shocked because I was under the impression that I was not deserving of dignity and compassion. I realized, in all that I am, diseased, damaged, imperfect; I am a human being with full worth.

I have to ask myself now, do I take your oppression? Just go on and submit to your degradation. do I go to your superiors without telling you first and rat you out? Inevitably pissing you off because I didn't come to you first even though you refuse to listen. Do I change my major? I love my major now, but because I have no ADA accommodations I have to fail each class once. To answer that I have to ask how much I love myself. Do I love myself enough to stand up for my self worth, dignity and educational rights? I have to ask what I'm willing to give up. Am I willing to get into legal and ethical battles with the people who decide whether I get into the program and ultimately graduate? Am I willing to give up a major that I love because I can't pass due to no ADA accommodations, compassion, or dignity?

I don't want to go back, and it's your fault. Not mine.

Fuck you,



Dear You,

Fuck youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

You're fucking useless.



It's kind of ridiculous how much I miss living with you and we only co-habitated for a month-and-a-half. Just knowing that you were there made everything better and made life a little bit more bearable. I miss you every day.

You are the best big brother a girl could ever ask for. I know you're going through a lot of shit right now and I wish I could tell you exactly how much I appreciate and absolutely adore you without you brushing it off like I'm insane. I think Death Cab for Cutie says it best: I will follow you into the dark.

With all the love that I can give,

my friend said that you're indifferent, and for him you are. he's always had it easy, so for him to coast means the odds are in his favor, but for me? you are fucking prick. you thwart me at every turn, and every little bit of momentum i might have you actively work to ruin.... and you've done it again. as if i wasn't already reeling from the other times you've fucked me up. so i'll just coast. what's the point after all? i'm not going to work my ass off for your amusement anymore. it's just not that much fun for me. besides, i'm going to end up at the same point, aren't i?

thanks for the special (and unwanted) attention,

obviously yours,
(((((GT))))) (((((Rudder)))))) (((((Dechats))))) (((((CH)))))

Dear H,

What the ever living bug fuck is wrong with you? I have not seen you or talked to you since 2003. I have had plenty of opportunities to return your calls/your letter, yet I haven't. I don't want to. I don't care anymore. I've moved on. I'm done with your little melodramas. WHY ARE YOU STILL BUGGING ME?

get your fucking shit together. if you want the painting, fucking buy it. it's starting to feel like you are stringing me along. it's been about 2 fucking weeks. it does not take this long. give me the money, i will pack it and send it out the fucking door. honestly, you are testing my patience, and i have had a gut full of your shit.


wtf are you up to? yes, i know i've been telling you to fuck off a LOT lately, but are you doing what i think you're doing? this is usually your pattern. lord knows, i've stopped complaining already, and heaven knows this isn't even close to a done deal, but in these matters you've never let me get ready. you always sneak up on me. perhaps i ought to just suck it up, close my eyes and try to grow up in more ways that one. [sigh] i just hope you aren't trying to pull the rug out from under me again.

the one with the bullseye on her behind,

dear heart,
please wait. i am feeing a cooling. just wait and see, k? expect nothing. i know brain tells you all sorts of things, but it doesn't know jack shit about these things. just toughen up.

dear head,
why do you do this? really? how many ways can you find to make me hate myself? please stop. please? you aren't helping you're hurting. just stop.
Dear universe,

how about some love and peace of mind for the Busties here, please?


what anarch said.
I hate when people I love hurt so enough already eh?

oh, but thanks so much for sending Zepplin to frecklette & us.
he's such a total babydoll of love & frecklette (who is singing to him in her bedroom as I type this) positively glows with love for him already.

fighting to stay on an even keel, even if it's 1/2 imaginary,
frenjA (freckle ninja)
anna k
((((rudderless and friend))))) What a scumbag.

sorry, just felt like keeping my thoughts a little more private after posting....
Dear DT, ADA,

We are going to fight together. I just hope that your help won't be anemic and half assed. I have to fight with people who decide whether or not I graduate. I am facing the possibility that I may be expelled from the program I really want to major in. You better help me and make this worth my while. Remember, you are not just going to help me, you are helping some one else with a disability who probably hasn't graduated from high school yet. Please, I have faced injustice and oppression, I want some one who will fight with me even though it will make them unpopular. Toss aside this need to be liked and march with me into the abyss. I know I'm alone in this situation, I just need to know there is a war room I can go to. Be my strength, my army, and my war room.


Dear J: When I ask you to hold the baby while I attend to one of the many jobs you prefer never to do (like scooping out the cat shit boxes) I'm asking you to HOLD the baby. If I wanted to leave him alone on a blanket to scream and sob until my return, I could do that without your help. For all your smart-ass remarks about how easy I have it here with the kids, I've noticed countless times that you are incapable of handling the things I do on a regular basis. (We don't even want to think about what happened while I was in the hospital giving birth and you were left to parent/run the house all on your own). I know your job is miserable and humiliating. I know you go to work every day to support our family. But, I did not make you take that particular job. If you hate it that much, find another one. I'm happy to support you in any way that I can...don't take your frustration out on me and the kids.

really? i mean, you obviously know how amazing you are, and you've got guys falling all over themselves to be with you, and everyone who meets you, myself included gets an instant crush. you're smart as a whip, charming as fuck, and very cute. and you know this. so why is it that you still pine for the jackass 3 guys ago? i don't get it. i know all the particulars, what you've been thru in the past year would have crushed most people. i doubt i could have handled it, but don't forget, that insufferable prick couldn't be bothered to stay the night with you after a solid month shitstorm. even 3 days after, when you were still trying to recover, he forgot your birthday. i get that he was consistent, and believe me, i know how much of a virtue that can be, but do you really want to be with someone so emotionally cold? someone so debilitatingly selfish that when you are seriously hurting cannot deem you worthy enough to lift a finger to even give you moral support? [headdesk] that's awfully stupid for someone so smart.

i guess this is beyond my grasp. i still admire you, hell you are a roll model for me in so many other ways, but you are, it's obvious, a bit of a drama magnet. don't get me wrong, i'm glad we are friends. but i am going to actively step around the drama. i don't need it.

Douchebag neighbour,

I've taken the high road with you so much I've got a nosebleed. You really are a selfish shit, and I now realise that there is no treating you with respect in hopes that you'll return the favour. So I'm giving it a little time, and guess what? When you find out that someone has finally complained about that crapped out junkheep you've abandoned in front of my house? That'll be me. Only I'm gonna wait a couple of months, and you'll be forced to get it towed through two feet of snow.

Also. P.S. That girl's not going to stick around. Sure, a workshy loser, living in a house his mom bought for him, smoking dope - that's fun for a couple of months - but she'll be gone before the year is out. Enjoy the five minute long sex (Yes, we can hear you!) while you can. Then you can lapse into another 2 year dry spell.

You friend-less, hope-less, brain-less, yoga, Buddhist, hypocrite. I know you believe in Karma, and from here on out I'm going to be giving it a helping hand, any way I can.

Your neighbour,

Thermo-Fisher Scientific:

How dare you? How can you even live with yourselves?

Seriously....$675.00 for freaking door gaskets? For one freezer?

It's just a couple strips of rubber and it's worth six hundred seventy five dollars???? WTF?????

I should buy stock, I'm thinking. You've got the monopoly, you've bought up Revco, Puffer Hubbard, Cue, all the biotech research instruments, you own em all. Now you can charge 675.00 for a set of door gaskets. Well, yay for you.


Dear Dad,

This is going to sound really, really stupid and childish and I should have grown up by now but I can't help the way I feel.

After what she did to me with her wedding two weeks ago, I won't be coming over to your house anymore if she is going to be there. Not for holidays, not for vacations, not even for just a weekend visit. If your stepdaughter is going to be there, I won't be. I am not going to sit by and tolerate the way she treats me anymore, like I am not your daughter, like I don't deserve to be when I one hundred percent and completely am yours. Your blood runs through my veins, not hers. And as much as she hopes that it will one day, it won't. She feels like she is entitled to you and that I'm not, when it should be the other way around.

To be completely honest, it makes me really sad. Our relationship (yours and mine) was fragile enough to begin with and I know I shouldn't let her get to me or lessen what small amount of time I get to spend with you, but I can't help it. It's going to be worse now. You're "married" to her mother so of course she is going to be there. But I won't. Thank you for your invitation to spend Thanksgiving weekend with you but I must respectfully decline. I'm sorry that she had to ruin everything and I really do hate that I won't be able to see you because I really want to, but I have to stand up for myself and stand by my principles for once.

With love,
Your daughter.
((((rogue)))) you've been through way too much with that whole wedding fiasco.
Dear sis, I know you mean well and that you don't get how often what comes out of your mouth or emails is actually different from what's in your head, and also BLOODY EGOCENTRICALLY ANNOYING. So you'll never know, but in some cosmic sense, I hope you appreciate that I'm going to go back into my email and delete the three annoyed sentences I just typed in my reply to you.

Yes, I am, even though I just spent a few minutes sitting here thinking "Well why should I? Wouldn't she benefit from knowing how what she wrote is coming across?" Yes, I am, because I'm too annoyed to put that nicely right now. Right. Off I go to do what's right. I'll promise myself that I can bring it up in a few days if it's still pissing me off.
Dear Universe,

Did this happen for a reason? Is this an STD in the future be glad you stopped now type thing? Or is it what I've been wondering about for many moons.



Dear K,

WTF???? I mean really. WTF??? I return something would be nice.

Ass hat.

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