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Dear beautiful best friend,

Lesbian relationships can be abusive too. Abusers know no gender. Everything you've said, everything she's done, the very idea of her and the manipulation and the domination she has put you through. It's wrong. It's just so so wrong. You deserve better. You deserve respect and support and love and cuddles and sweetness and mildness and creativity and joy.

If your instinct was to take your car and your puppy and leave, then that's what you need to do. I know you said she'd never hurt you. But did you ever think she'd kick in a door, throw a coffee mug, punch a plant and throw a tantrum? And then tell you that it was your fault? For talking to her about something that was bothering you? Maybe you were harping on a topic that she was sick of, but a healthy adult does not react like that.

You are supposed to be able to say anything to your partner without worrying that you are going to trigger a violent episode. Why is it that my boyfriend seems to understand more about your personality than your partner?

Please, honey.

I know that I broke an unwritten rule today when I told you to leave her. I know friends are not supposed to do that. Unless they believe you are in physical danger. And I think you are. And you have to leave. Please?

I love you and I'm worried about you and I wish I was there with you,

Dear Self,

I am proud of you. I don't think you realize how much you are actually accomplishing with your life. You're a working student who devotes 90% of your time to the work that you do. Don't feel guilty for those infrequent lazy days.

Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake here and there. So you studied the wrong chapter and thus failed the first quiz--you might not get an "A" in a course this time, but that doesn't mean you're not learning. Today you were outstanding; you sat in class for four hours and understood everything the prof was saying. E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. And Physiological Psychology is a very technical subject... especially for a fine arts major.

So go on your vacation without regret. You -deserve- this camping trip. I know you will give everything in life your utmost effort. Please the do same for having fun.

Cheer up. Breathe. I believe in you.


dear ____

i need to talk to you about something important to me. something that was bothering me a lot. i just needed you to listen. you blew me off and then gave me an apology so insincere that a 10 year old could have seen through it

and now you don't understand why i am still upset. you are not that stupid. give me a fucking break.

dear kidlet's english teacher,

i've always had a soft spot for english teachers. it was my favorite subject, and those wonderful, caring, perceptive teachers taught me more than anyone ever has. even tho my kid complained about your excessive work load, and your horrendously convoluted grading system, i gave you the benefit of the doubt these past two years. i wanted to believe that, deep down, you WERE a good teacher, and that you appreciated my son's hard work & intelligence, and that you were giving him precious kernels of literary appreciation.

but if you think i'm going to let this out-of-the-fucking-blue D/F slide, you're sorely mistaken. if you somehow think that this is a legitimate final grade, i will make your life a LIVING HELL. and if it is based on some sort of actual reality, why the fuck wouldn't you notify me that there was severe and sudden backsliding going on?!

even if this is a mistake - because YOU fucked up, because i don't even think YOU understand your own grading system - and you correct it, you've proven that you are, in reality, a suckass, highly-disorganized teacher. either way, i vow not to let you ruin the love of literature for my son. and i certainly won't let you piss on his self-esteem.

in fury and disappointment,
mandi, mama bear extraordinaire
Dear you,

I need you to be happy for me when I hang out with new people. Last night I had open-ended, thoughtful conversations like I possibly haven't had for years. That is why I love going out with new people, to hear different perspectives and thus expand mine a little.

Everything else is all good, just be pleased for me that I'm having fun and learning about folks. And I had a little boogie which was the most fun. Fun is good; I think we could do with more of it.

Cheers. I'll miss you when I'm/you're away, probably like a ton of bricks. Take care out there.

dear mom,

hmm..lets see...i have been 'fighting' with you since day one when i refused solid food for a year....was stubborn with school cuz it was 'boring'....and resistant to change and then changing all the time as a teen...when i said i wanted to move away to england at the precocious age of 14, to which you commented "but then i can't visit often" to which i replied "i know" is just scraping off the top.

we've had our big fights and messy makeups...and currently i tolerate you fairly well. However...

when it comes to MY decisions about MY life and MY body, the decision is MINE, NOT YOURS!
irregardless of your decision to get knocked up 3 months into marriage..that was YOUR decision...

Me and mr. gb may not have children of the human species...simply because we can't afford them, have a place for them, or want to deal with them and the responsibilities and heartache and gray hairs that come with it. And you had better respect our rights to not have kids. None of that crap lines "you'll understand when you have your own" here....i have raised 25 sheep, 4 dogs, countless cats, 5 rabbits, even had an eel hand trained to feed, some pigs and even a goat or two...but i'll take a horse with colic over a child. Especially when you disregard my instructions for feeding my cat. How am i supposed to trust you with a child, especially after that comment that other day about how you actually don't like young children? bleh.

you are a big hypocrite....and about alot more than i am willing to share here.

And the Religion-shoving-down-the-throat can end now. Cuz if it is "really between god and me" then BUTT OUT!!! let me and god talk this one out and then we might let you in on it.

I do love you but we are leaving ASAP. For sanity's sake.

-holding it together with crazy glue

PS. btw, all the religious pictures you got from your last trip, its just downright creepy.
if you're going to be an ass the entire 2+ weeks you are on vacation, it's going to be very long & painful, but not just for Me, bc I will ensure that your life sucks too. payback can be a real bitch and so can I.
I know you're stressed, but you brought that on yourself by what you're looking into. I'm still somewhat pissed you didn't discuss it w/me first, that whole 'consideration thing' I tried to make you understand but , whatever.
I flat out told you, or *tried * to voice my worry over my mom's upcoming tests; she could have CANCER. do have any clue how scary that is to me? ? any at all??
for now I will avoid you like the plague, bc I know w/ the mood you're in, nothing I do will be right or ok.
in advance?
fuck you & the horse you rode in on,
dear you -

sometimes I wish I'd blocked you first. But I wanted to keep my word that I don't block people. I probably should have blocked you anyway. 'cause now you've blocked me. I've pretty much let you take the reins on everything, including the shit parts. Whatever, go ahead. It's probably better anyway. They say that sometimes life will do for you what you're not willing to do for yourself and I guess that you just took care of that for me.


Dear Mr. HMCHH -

I sent you that message and I am not gonna contact you from now on. So if you wanna call me when you are in town and our dinner plans are still on, that's excellent. But I'm not gonna track you down. That's why I never asked for your number. You've got mine, you can use it. All I wanna do is try to keep in touch, but I'm not gonna push it. So that's that.

don't be a pussy,

Dear cough -

please please please go away. Please don't get worse and become the crud that is going around. yuck. I don't understand how you can get worse anyway, all I've done is stay around the house for the last few days and lay low. So listen to me and go away!

dear you,
I like you a lot and it's really hurting me to keep in touch with you but never see you the way it's supposed to be and I'm really frustrated with how we could have been really good regular friends but it never ends up like that and probably never will. So there. I hate run-ons, but I'm using them. Please stop being half there, because I'm one of those girls. I thought you knew that when I started crying that time. I don't enjoy being awkward and lame unless there's a reason for that. YOU put an end to any sort of reason quite some time ago. I don't think it's meant to be that we have any kind of real friendship. What a fucking shame.


dear self,
that was dumb and pointless. I'm tired of telling you to stop it and get over it and do something with your life because clearly, you're not. ever. going. to. I don't know what to do with you anymore.
Dear Next Boyfriend,

Hey there! I hope I meet you soon! Like, tomorrow. That would be okay with me. Now, let me warn you ahead of time that I work full-time and my schedule is nowhere near predictable, but I promise I will make plenty of time for you!

Here is a brief history of my brief list of ex-boyfriends. The first one I didn't really like, but I'd never had a boyfriend and I was 15, so I accepted when he asked me out -- online. Later, I decided I couldn't go on pretending I liked him, so I dumped him -- online. Lame, I know, but I figured it was justified since he didn't have the balls to ask me out in person, even though we had been friends for at least 8 months beforehand. Anyways, I haven't talked to him for a year or so. The last I heard, he was trying to get this Christian girl who rejected him because he just wasn't Christian enough. He's also on drugs for depression, trying to cut himself for whatever reason and his parents are now getting a divorce.

My latest boyfriend was fantastic. I was really into him, loved seeing him every day and talking to him for hours every night, but he just wasn't ready for a relationship like I was, and we ended up breaking up after a week because he "wasn't over" his ex-girlfriend. I haven't talked to him for about a week, but last I heard he was happy with his new girlfriend, although he's still visiting this one girl he slept with a few months back because he was lonely and she was easy... whatever.

Anyways, that was my dating history. I'm ready for a real relationship that will last longer than three weeks, and an emotionally stable man who doesn't talk excessively about his ex-girlfriends. I am positive that I would make a great girlfriend if given the chance. Since you ARE my next boyfriend, please find me soon.

Love, me
Mom, why must you be such an uber mega bitch? For one, my new boyfriend is not 60 he's almost 30. Second, I'm was all bloated this weekend due to period water weight. So, quit bitching about me being on a diet. Third, my idea of a great holiday is not spending two days stuck in a cabin with bad cable in NC. I know it was Dad's birthday, but jesus. Something must royally be up your ass lately. I appreciate the job advice, but you can be such a total bitch.
Dad, quit playing good cop/bad cop with mom. And don't freak the fuck out b/c I've had an insanely long weekend that I want to self medicate with a good pint of ben/jerry's. I realize that it's not on "South Beach." Don't get into a fight with me in my local Kroger over it, and call me fat in front of all my friends. Not cool.
Dear Hair,
Stop looking like dick! Please! I know I've done some nasty things to you in the past, what with frying you with curling irons and bleach, but I'm trying to make it up to you. You've gotta meet me half way, here!
dear people or person who was banging on the wall of my building steadily for three fucking hours last night between the times of 2 and 5 AM,

WHAT THE FUCK????!?!?!?!?!??!!?!? Seriously. What could have possibly necessitated that? I hope you die. Really. Karma can go fuck itself. I hope you die.

-the girl who WILL pour boiling water on your heads tonight if you are back and if she can get a clear shot
dear editor,

please write back. i hate to think i didn't do something well, and i am a total neurotic freak, and i like working with you. just get in touch, please?

dear lounge,

im writing to say hi and i want to thank you for being around for me to lurk through and be amused by (and sometimes saddened by). i feel like the women (and men) here are my mentors because they go through all these things and share their experiences with me (and the world). im going through a lot right now too so i decided now is the time to share my own story with everyone. cheers!


dear life,

you are in a world of hurt right now. cancer. but i still love you and im going to take the best care of you that i can muster.

chin up,
Dear cute boy by the window-
How's the espresso? I just got water and a sandwich- I'm trying to go off caffeine, again.

I'm single, y'know, and you're cute. We could hang out a few times, being all nervous, until one of us kissed the other. Then it would lead too quickly to sex. I'd get really attached, but there's no way in hell that I'd let you see how much I cared about you- because I wouldn't trust anything you said to me. I'd complain about you to my friends, but I'd smile to your face and pretend like everything was ok, until I got fed up and left with very little warning.

Right then. I think I should stay single for a few more months. You are cute, though.

Same shit, different year. I do not trust you; I don't trust anybody. You can tell me over and over that you want this to work, that you see how much I mean to you, that you have changed, that you can be who I need, but I only believe you for about five minutes. Unless you can put your hand on my shoulder every five minutes ant reassure me that you still want me here, I don't know how the hell it's supposed to work.
dear grandma,

so, you died this morning, huh?

*checks something*

nope, still don't feel bad

ciao and all,
To whatever higher power there may happen to be in the universe:

Every other facet of my life is going according to plan and thank you so much for that. However, why must everything related to the opposite sex be so difficult for me? Where is the one person who completes me? Why can't I find him? Send him to me please! I'm sick of waiting. Thanks.
Dear Boy,
I'm sorry I had to go home early.
I'm sorry about the door, and for waiting until the last possible second to call you & leave a message.
If you have any conscience, you'll call me right away.
Dear Luci,

My Grandma died on New Years, and I am still waiting for a real twinge of emotion, but not the time to time guilt feeling for feeling nothing at all.

Love ya,

Dear Life,

What gives?

Dear boy across the pond,
Could this be it? Can this be the real deal?
I'm so mad for you and I think you're mad for me,...but this is crazy right? Too fast, right? I need to know if this is real or rubbish! Ugg, if I dont see you soon I will burst.
--the girl across the pond
Dear Too-Many-Men-In-My-Life-For-Me-To-Address-This-To-Any-Particular-One-Of-You:

We do not have a connection. We do not have "free-flowing conversation." We do not have conversation, period.

What YOU have is someone who grew up listening to men blabber and for whom that role is entirely too comfortable. What YOU have is someone who can nod and smile and say the right things and generally tune you out. What YOU have is someone to make you feel less lonely in this world.

What I have is the facade of your attention. That is no longer enough for me to stop in Central Park and "chat" with you every day while you clean your saxophone and stare at my legs; no longer enough for you to corner me in group gatherings while your more-assertive-than-me girlfriend has interesting conversations with interesting people, leaving me to listen to you talk about dog breeds; no longer enough for me to put up with even if you're fantastic in bed.

Now, let's have a conversation. I'll like you more that way.


PS: No more unsolicited comments about my body anymore either. Or hers, or hers, or hers.
just a dream.
let it go.
no worries about mom, or mr or anything else, bc regardless of your own wishing, it'll work out as it will & nothing you do can change that.

heart/body: I'm going to get you checked out.
first thing monday am calling to get us an appt to hopefully persuade the dr's to put in for at least a few majorish tests, like another ekg & a stress test, and maybe that dye-thingie too?
I know we went thru this already in germany once, and the ekg showed nothing, but I wasn't having heart pains then either and I knew nothing would show up. I don't care what That dr there said, it's Not Normal for a heart to feel like a hand is squeezing it. not just " something your heart does" bc out of everyone else I polled, nobody else's does that and w/ the history of heart disease/stroke etc etc in the family, a good top to bottom will do us good, even if it does just verify it's only stress and we get ways to deal better. yes I am a little scared right now.
today was scary as shit. I wasn't honest w/ the mr about how shitty & weak I was really feeling & hearing mom tell me I needed to go to the er didn't help. it's Probably Just Stress.
that's not er justification. that's Embarrassment. - remember the panic attacks that led to the er at campbell?
breath in
breath out

monday morning.


for all our differences, you know in the best ways I know how, I do love you, and I feel it's probably the same for you w/ me, only sometimes you do better. marriage is damn hard work.
you're going to kick ass monday morning and all the rest that follows. I Believe in you.
and I'm telling you this now (& yes in person some too) bc I need to not be such a caretaker & cheerleader for you right now, bc you've been biting my head off like sybil every other time I blink and I literally cannot do that right now.
I'm here, but cautiously so, you know?

supportive but wisely,
Dear "friend"

um, why are you repeatedly compelled to tell weird, pointless lies about me all over the place? Its becoming increasingly frustrating.

Everyone knows you're (supposedly) my friend so they have no reason to suspect that you're putting words into my mouth and making this shit up out of your ass.

As for me, I'm at a complete loss. WHY do you keep doing this? It isn't like I'm not likely to see your blog or T's website or your interview in that magazine you know I subscribe to. Doh.

Either you're deliberately trying to get me into trouble (you've succeeded at least once), or you're subconsciously trying to mess things up for me, or else whenever we have a conversation you actually HALLUCINATE the whole thing? You get so damn defensive about it that it's impossible to tell what the deal is.

In any case, it's disturbing and very off-putting. I'm going to have to watch what I say around you and always bring a witness. Neat.

Your ex-real-friend,

Dear Me,

I know I havent treated you as well as I should be doing- well, with all those late night snacks, self-negativity, self-doubt... no exercise, haha... I promise I'll make it up to you, I just need to get my life back in a more positive outlook. Even with all my loved ones, you're honestly all I have... and I will try to treat you better. I'll eat more right things (though not cut out junk food COMPLETELY, haha), I'll actually exercise... and most of all, I'll try to have more confidence in myself, confidence I feel I lost somewhere along the way.

Dear Lover,

Thank you for loving me with my flaws and all. You're the only person in my life I've ever been able to feel safe, comfortable with and loved by. I only hope your love for me will never fade- as I know I'd be lost without you. You're not just the person I share my bed with- but also my bestfriend, and I truly hope you'll always know I mean that. Whenever I feel low, you lift me up and make me laugh and smile... I truly cherish you.

Dear Roxy,
You're my puppy, my little maltese... and I'm so thankful you came so suddenly into my life- you lift my spirits like only a white furball with a wagging tail can. You may chew on my belongings and poop on my carpet- but I'll always love you, as cooky as it sounds, you're my furbaby. hehe.

Dear lounge,
I am soo glad to be back! I missed you so much the last week and a half(was it really only 10 days)! I can not wait to learn how to use all of your new features!
Love, Pixiedust
Dear girlbomb,

Yesterday I was stuck in a tiny town with a broken down car, and I felt pretty awful. And then I was flipping through the April Marie-Claire, which someone had thoughtfully stuffed into a pile of Popular Mechanics magazines. And I saw the written blurb about your book. And "seeing" somebody I "knew," from a place I feel at was the only cheerful thing that happened to me in that tiny town, until they told me my car was ready. So thank you.

And yes, I now know it's a sign I need to buy your book. (Just as soon as I finish paying for the car repair.)

dear shmp,

you know this may shock you but i forgive you for L. i dont forgive the things you told her about me, but as far as cheating goes, i can get over it.
however, honestly... il never forgive you for K. why? because you made me feel like i was the most unimportant person in the world to you when she was around. call me bitter, call me pathetic but whatever, i was standing right infront of you and you couldnt even see me. that was and is the only time you ever broke my heart. despite it being 5 months after we broke up. you dont need me to "melt into you" you have sexy exciting K to do that with. it makes me so angry to think of you together. pure anger and i cant help it. im sorry, but as long as shes around, there cant be a me and u.
question for you... how am i supposed to love you when i dont know who you are anymore? you dont have to pretend and you dont have to be strong, ive seen every side of you, i know you better than anyone. come back to me. be the person i know you are. i miss you.
after harry and eddie, despite the fact that it broke us it also sealed us together thru time, as something that we will never go thru with anyone else. something not L or K or J or G can touch.
i know ive been a pratt. but im still hurting. you seem to be ok. im happy for you.

i want you to know, no matter what il always be your fc, you just have to work out how to find me x
Dear doodlebug,

You have no idea how hard I sweat you.

Like, "maybe you should get a restraining order" hard.

For somebody I've never met, you bring me an awful lot of comfort and joy. I really like knowing you're out there doing what you do. If you ever wonder if you're making a difference in the world, I hope you'll know that you are, to me.

Yer Frend,

Dear Mr. HMCHH -

oh good god you rock. And you are a good student too! An A- for you! (because there is always room for improvement... hahahhaha)

I really hope you were serious about coming back to visit. It would be so fun and I would be completely stoked to have you here and show you around for a bit!

oh yeah.
oh yeah baby.
Dear self,
I had no idea trying to improve would be this hard. Please stick with me through it. Help me sleep soundly without meds and dreams. Help me make smart financial decisions. Help me feel secure with my relationships. I don't feel my mostly negative state of mind is justified by my mostly positive life and asserting that I'm doing things for the right reason helps some days but others it doesn't at all.
Try not to think about planes and moving. Just slow down and focus and enjoy the people around you who are amazing because there are a few of them. January will be another time of change where moving can be looked at. For now I just need to focus and progress. I know things are getting better.

For the adorable male cardinal who was perched atop the telephone pole I can see from the living room window in my treetop apartment:

Please come back tomorrow. Your sweet singing totally made my night. I hope you found a girlfriend cardinal tonight, but that doesn't mean you need to abandon your human friends. I'll be waiting for you.

Dear girlbomb,


*toes ground bashfully*


*pulls girlbombs hair like a cowardly boy with a crush and runs out of the thread*
Dear People Having Wedding #2 of 5 I will be attending in the next 8 weeks, also known at TB's Annoying Friends --

Fuck you for not putting my name on the invitation. Fuck you for putting "TB and Guest." TB and I have been together longer than you two have. Bride, you have only known TB as being in a relationship with me. You have met me at least half a dozen times. You have been to our apartment. Groom, I knew you back when you were engaged to that other girl. YOU KNOW MY FUCKING NAME! Put it on the fucking invitation!

I'm so irritated with this that I might leave the gift-buying responsibility soley up to TB. Which probably means you won't get one.


Dear World,

I hate feeling like my relationship is not as important or valid as others' because we are not married. I hate that we got an invitation addressed "TB and Guest" and it has pissed me off more than I can express. I hate that I am so defensive about this. I hate that society has me feeling like we need to get married even though I really truly am happy the way things are.

Dearest Children of the World,

Yes, the doggies are cute. They are soft and they are fuzzy. They are also animals. They can be dangerous if treated poorly by larvae such as yourselves. See how I'm wrapping the nice doggy's leash around my wrist and dragging her to walk between myself and the building? That is to protect you both. So don't come running up to that doggy, threatening to hit her with a plastic bottle. It will only upset her, and frankly, her safety is more important to me than your hurt feelings, so piss off.

Oooh, it's a big fuzzy smiling golden dog! I know she looks like a Nana dog, Peter Pan-style, but she is not. She is a dog who gets very very excited around children such as yourself. She will jump. She will knock and scratch and love you to pieces, but you will interpret that as hurt, because you are smaller than she is. And then you shall cry or something, and that will suck.

Where are your parents? They really need to teach you better manners, or ask your nanny to make some effort in that direction if they won't do so themselves.

And finally, three little girls in the park - I love you. Seriously. You were awesome. You asked permission to pet the doggy, you listened carefully and attentively to my instructions about petting her, you followed them, the doggy was in doggy-bliss and you were all smiles. Yay for polite children!

Dear cat,

Why the hell did you pee on my clothes again?

well FUCK, ok.
going to roll w/ it bc it is what is it and really, what choice do I have regardless? clearly my spine left my body somewhere along the lines of ' I do.'

I feel drunk though I haven't had anything, I think it's all on the inside.

heart: stop hurting, you're really scaring me now.
or is just that you're actually breaking?

do not forget the deal made w/ the jerk about signing up for a class.
it's legit. you GOTTA do it now.

ep: it's high time you & I had a little Big Sister to little sister TALK.
co-dependent? not on MY time. damnit. and he's no better and I called him out on it. but still, as I don't trust him one flying Fuck anymore, I'll deal w/ you directly to make sure we have no "misunderstandings." I thought you were My friend? I had you sleep over at my fucking house while both of them were deployed.
you're the potentially scary type to get delusional and all grandious about what might be. as if. try leaning on your Own husband for a change? marriages don't get better if you go to someone else's, as shocking as that might sound to your innocent virginal ears. (bitch)

looking forward to chatting soon~
your former big sisterly person who once trusted you

ps: tell your husband bc if you don't? I WILL.
catsoup, the "guest" invitation thing is f*cked up. And I think your idea about the gift-buying responsibility is divine.
I emailed you.
a short, cursory note very friendly in tone, please respond.

we used to exchange emails occassionally, and chatted on the phone now & then as well.

I really don't think that you have ill intentions here, but see, as my world is seemingly falling apart around me like rain from the sky, only bigger larger pieces so maybe it's more like airplane parts crashing down around me, that I need to be sure[/i] and you are the key, or a clear visable piece of the key for me there.

I'm seeing now that while I always had thought I was the bad one in my marriage, that bc I was the one who had the affair several years ago, it would always be that way and I would have to forever more do penance for my crime, never altogether worthy ever ever again and constantly be ready to defend myself against his insecurites and acusations. it was like being on edge, always ready to lash myself w/ the whip I willingly carried.
but now I'm seeing a new pattern here, that this is the second, maybe even the 3rd time he's done this sort of thing. no, I don't think there's been any physicality. not w/ you anyway, and I am at least mostly doubtful of anything before that.
-but- having gone down this road from the other direction before, I know better than most maybe, how easy it is to slip from confiding in a friend to having feelings. he's older, handsome, established & distinguished; I know so much more than you know little sister, what an aphrodisiac that can be. heady. and he listens to you. God what power that alone can wield.

am I blaming you right now ep? not really. you're young & do have a very co dependant personality, and in ge those times you sought me out, me thinking there was something wrong when really you just wanted to hang, well, I better understand it now. as well as for the last time we were in close contact & you came here to stay. it's ok. but you're married now. I know from _ things aren't going well. (yes he told me, suprised? you shouldn't be) but this is Not the way to fix it.
I've insisted that _ emaile or call to tell you about the trouble this has all caused.
it's not that I mind him talking to you, bc I do know & do really like you, it's that he felt the need to keep it from me, which is, as I told him, shady. he said it was bc he knew I'd react this way- doh[i]! yes, His Problem, but as I also strongly suspect you've not told your marital parter you've been talking to _, then no, it's not ok and much as a bitch & a shrew and a fishwife as I'm going to sound like, until this is ALL completely on the table & in the open, I'm not ok w/ you talking to him. I know it'll probably cause some problems, but isn't that where it all started from anyway?

I'm not sleeping (it's almost 3:30 am here), not hardly eating, and I cannot for the life of me, even touch my wedding ring from after I took it off screaming and throwing it at _ yesterday.
I can only sit here & stare at it w/ some foreign feeling akin to curiosity, bc it feels like nothing appealing.

answer my email ep.
I'm trying to take the high ground, at least w/ you.
_ & I have a very long road to traverse together, of which you are a tiny pebble embedded in the many rocks & dirt.

[size=1]in genunine peace & concern,
_'s wife
Dear Haters,

I know things are probably tough for you right now, what with my book being out there, everywhere you fucking look. It must suck, knowing that I've accomplished something I set out to do while we were all still "friends"; meanwhile, you haven't done shit with your lives except try to throw shade on other people. You all really think very highly of yourselves, sitting around and dissing other people (including each other, when you're not in the room -- I'd love to tell you the things your "friends" say about you when you're not around). But really, what makes you so much better than the people you dis? Because you read the New Yorker, so you think you're smart and informed? Honestly, I really have no idea where your superiority complexes come from. As far as I can tell:

You're nasty. You give off bad vibes. You enjoy giving off bad vibes. Ick.
You talk about the same shit over and over (each other and the people you're superior to), and you've been talking about it for years.
You've been in the same clique for ages, and all you do is dis each other and play head games. With the same people. Who you dis all the time. For years.
Your "art" is going nowhere, because you're too busy famewhoring and grooming each other like gorillas.
Your "art" is not particularly good.

And ordinarily, I wouldn't even take the time to type all this out to you; I'd just continue to avoid you, even if it meant going out of my way, because there's no point in engaging a hater -- you love it when I come around, so you can be as gratuitously nasty as possible (hissing when my name was announced at that show was a lovely touch, you pathetic, jealous hag -- too bad you've had to get used to the sound of everybody saying my fucking name all the time). But we're all going to be at The Event together, and it's our mutual friend's Event, and I don't know what the hell she sees in you but it's important to her that we all be there. So let me tell you something now:

Hiss all you want, bitches. Say what you want. Stand there in the corner of the room shooting pointed looks over your shoulders, and then turn to each other and giggle. You're almost forty -- some of you ARE forty -- but that's okay. Act like eleven-year-old girls. Do your worst. Because it's your big chance. Make me feel as shitty and excluded as possible, because as soon as I leave I'm going to go home and open my laptop and fire up my work and I'm going to finish my NEXT book, which has already been contracted by Random House for publication in Winter 07-08. And I'm not going to give a shit about you. Maybe I'll write a letter in that BUST thread, so all the other women who have to deal with haters like you can see that they're not alone. But I am rubber, baby. And you're a pile of shit.


((((((((((Freckle)))))))))))) I don't know what could be said to make you feel better. Please know that we're here for you whenever you want us.

That is indeed severely fucked up. Is there a chance that there was a mix-up & that maybe a seperate invitation is being mailed to you? I only ask this because I know first-hand that planning a wedding is a nightmare. I suspect that the job of addressing the envelopes for the invitations may have been delegated to someone other than the bride and groom, which may explain the "and guest". However, if your suspicions are true? Then yeah ... that's truly fucked up. Definitely let the boy pick out the gift.

After knowing you from The Lounge & your blog & your articles in Bust & your book ... well, I feel quite confident in saying that you are a truly fantastic, amazing, loving woman. You are sensitive and bright and we're better for having you in our lives. Unfortunately, your sensitive nature means that you are vulnerable to idiotic self-consumed assholes like the ones you mentioned below. So as you attend this event, I hope you stand there with a genuine, peaceful smile on your face, knowing that there are many many people in this world who, rather than feeling jealous at your success, feel joy. If they succeed in knocking you down, just come back here where we can lift you up again.
Much love & admiration,

It may be nearly 50 minutes away, but you can find it. And you can find a parking place. And you'll have a nice time. Don't let your fear of this new place paralyze you. Just go.
dear d;

i remember you from high school, we were acquaintances, but i always admired you from afar. you were smart. you were talented. you were *gasp!* actually a nice guy. and you were really. really. hot.

i saw you in a bar about 2 years ago. i didn't say hi because i felt fat, and secretely feared you wouldn't remember me.

everytime i saw your mom, i asked her to pass along a hello. she gave me tidbits about your life, and i realized that there were some eerie parallels to mine; however, i knew you were still smarter, still more talented, had more friends, and was generally leading a happier life than i.

when our proximetry narrowed recently, i wondered if there was ever a chance that i would run across you in various professional circles. (but then what? i probably wouldn't say hi, because i would probably still have felt fat.)

i found out at 8 am monday morning, an email from an old friend. the hometown newspaper, an article, cut and paste, paraphrased "aspiring physician and _ _ hs grad died last night in a freak accident."

i don't know what to feel. mortal? should i start "living my life" more fully?

mostly, i feel guilty. guilty that you loved you life and lost it, and that i still have mine and wished it were something else.


For some reason I feel like I should do something for you today. As if it's your birthday (or maybe mine somehow). I'm not at the festival and I feel good about that but no one is around for me. I know that if you were still here I'd be there with you and it wouldn't matter that no one else is around.

As I haven't been able to think of something appropriate I'm just at home. I'm dancing to good music and doing stuff for school. I know you would have approved of this change in path and it's hard to think that you'll never see me do it. I just made a mental connection with you as a photographer. Also, I want to read your journals. At first when we found them I didn't think I would but I think I've changed my mind. I think how I connect to people (or don't) is really similar to you and I feel like reading your thoughts with it might be revealing. Or maybe it will just make me feel close and connected to someone.

dear person (potentially) offering me a job -

I know I told you that if this job came up I would not say no. And I know you are going to call me this weekend to let me know if it's available, and potentially offer it to me. Here's the thing: there are so many reasons for me to take this job. Good ones. But I tossed and turned all night last night with the thought that I might take it. You see, my priorities are changing. I have the opportunity to do my own thing right now. It won't make much money right off the bat, and lord knows I'm in debt up to my eyeballs, if not over my head. I know your job would pay all my bills and then some. But the things I've been doing are making me happy. For the first time in my life, I'm happy being in one place and putting together my own work. I'm beginning to think I would be happier taking smaller projects that pay the bills and working to establish my own stuff than to take the all-consuming job that it seems that you will very likely offer me.

I am really nervous to tell you this, and I haven't made my decision completely yet. Your pending offer is very tempting, but I'm trying to build up the balls to turn it down.

I'm sorry. Whatever I decide, I am not afraid.


dear god, universe, whomever -

give me courage, faith and strength to do whatever is the right thing. And help me to trust that you'll show me what's right.

You know who you are:

No, no, let me make this clear for you: EVERYONE was, indeed, not invited to the party. You are such backhanded assholes for not inviting me (I guess at least giving me a choice in the matter is no longer an option?), and then having the nerve to hold it over my head and say all jokey-like, "everyone's coming over! Want to come?" No, I don't want to come over and socialize with your Neanderthal companions, especially when it's like I'm some fucking AFTERTHOUGHT. No fucking thanks. I am just appalled that I don't even have the choice anymore. I am even more appalled that I care enough to write this letter.

Oh no, you know what? I've got an anniversary coming up, one I'm sure you've forgotten about, so I'm going to be too busy celebrating MY OWN accomplishments and not following the sheep mentality that all of you seem to hold so high on a pedestal. Your value of the external world is such bullshit. I don't know why I think you're ever going to change.

I could throw the hate right back at you, but I have bigger pieces of tofu to fry.

girlbomb!! you rule!

ah, yes, the people who think "good books" are the ones that are in New Yorker.

Ack!! I know them well.

The ones that think PoMo language is still happening -- that try to "one-up" you on matter of opinion by referencing THEIR opinon with some smug, cliquey, web site that gives more weight to the New Yorker.

the Grad Student nazis.

the Feminists Who Only Like Those With Wealthy Husbands.

Alas!! I know them well.

Don't forget the Controllers and Owners of the Transgressive Sexuality Trendoids

*Heart* them (sarcasm)

Yep, they're not being able to be superior any more when they had all that pampering and privilege really really bugs them.

Hooray for you. Serious. Bug them some more
(((freckle))) We're here.
I have a Catsoup-related confession to make: I addressed my sister's wedding invitation to her and 'guest' b/c I hated her abusive fuckup of a boyfriend and hoped he would pick up on the subtle diss and realise he was deeply unwelcome.

However, I tried really hard to make sure I got everyone else's significant others correct, even if I had never met them. So, I'm much crueler to family members than I am to strangers.

I am a terrible person.

I suggest you buy them a pointedly lame present, like something you'd get for an office gift exchange where you've pulled the name of someone in accounting you've never talked to. Like a $10 gift card for Walmart, or maybe a sample-size gift basket of cheap bath broducts from the drugstore. Don't wipe the dust off the bow.
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